Writing Feedback / It's hard to define happiness - why? The intrinsic and extrinsic factors [3]

This is a very well "researched" response to the prompt. You approached the essay as a research paper instead of following the prompt instruction that asked you to discuss the essay based on your personal experience and ideas. Therefore, the essay response did not meet the prompt requirements. There are several problems with this essay:

- Lack of proper prompt paraphrase
- Lack of personal experience references
- Lack of personal ideas or ideas based on observations of other people (Research not required)
- Lack of the use of personal pronouns to represent information being discussed / presented
- Lack of a proper conclusion

In other words, the essay itself did not follow the prompt requirements and will be given a TA score of 4 because the format used to answer the prompt was incorrect. The minute you failed to follow the TA instructions, you already ensured that the essay that you wrote would not reach the 5 mark at all. Considering the TA score plus the other deductions that will be involved in consideration of the other rubic criteria, you will definitely not have enough points left-over to come close to a 5.

Research is never required nor allowed in these essay presentations. There will not be any time for you to do research at the testing center. Mostly because there won't be any internet access since the computers will be locked down to the LAN. That's why you should not get used to writing your essays based on researched information. Trust your instinct and respond using personal knowledge / know-how.

Word of advice, where the essay prompt says use your personal experience and ideas, do not do research to respond to the topic as you did here. Think about it instead. think about what makes you happy, then consider the discussion instructions, work on the final response based on that insight. Then you will properly represent the TA requirements. Focus on making sure you properly understand the topic and the instructions for the discussion so that you can get a good TA score, which will help support the rest of the scoring considerations and possibly limit the deductions your essay will receive.

Writing Feedback / Reducing traffic accidents by penalizing drivers? [IELTS WRITING TASK 2] [5]

The score for this essay will be lowered by the way that you chose to discuss the topic. For starters, you have actual cut and paste phrases from the original prompt (reducing traffic accidents, road safety.) You need to show an ability to use similar terms and phrases so that you can score well in the LR and GRA sections of the rubic. The vocabulary rand grammar / sentence presentation range will be seen in how well you can rephrase the original prompt.

Next, You have to use the proper audience representative phrases to indicate that you are not yet discussing your personal opinion. Instead, the first and second paragraphs need to show that you are reviewing the public opinions in relation to your possible personal opinion. Terms such as "Public support for" or "On the contrary, some road users lean more towards..." Before saying "I believe that..." This mistakes have a direct effect on your TA score. This type of discussion will be considered as giving only a minimal response to the essay.

Remember the concluding paragraph is a summary of the discussion. Restate the prompt, deliver the 2 points of view, then close with your personal opinion. That is how the essay should be ended. In this instance, your conclusion does not totally summarize the discussion you presented.

Writing Feedback / Student behave badly these days. Why occurs? Give solutions [3]

Since you did not provide information as to whether this essay was written as an exercise for a specific English test or if you are just writing a simple English class exercise, then the only review that you can be given is one that looks into the general grammar rules. For this exercise, I will assume you are writing in British English and review your work based on those requirements.

You have made several spelling errors. You need to recognize that there are grammar and spelling differences between British and American English words and grammar rules. Therefore:

(American) behaviors - (British) behaviours

Try to remove terms that show uncertainty in your writing. Since this is not a comparison essay, all your words must come from a position of support and strength for what you want to say. Also, regardless of whether your are writing in British or American English, you should never use contractions such as "they're". Always spell it out (they are)

These are just a few of the grammar rules errors that you have in your essay. There are more I can talk about but I need to know exactly what kind of English exercise your essay writing is being used for. Please let me know the next time you post here for a review. Thanks.

Writing Feedback / [IETLS ACADEMIC - WRITING TASK 2] MOBILE PHONE - ANTISOCIAL INVENTION? [4]

When writing a personal opinion paper, as indicated by this prompt, you MUST use first person pronouns in the presentation to indicate ownership of the discussion points. The essay clearly indicates that you are to give a measured response based on your personal knowledge of the issue. In any prompt that uses the reference "you", the expectation of the examiner will be to hear directly from you. Therefore, the first person pronouns must be used in smatterings within your essay discussion.

Try to keep your essay short but informative. Writing over 300 words means you will not be leaving enough time for the editing of your response prior to submission. A 275-300 word paper is always more than sufficient to maximize the scoring potential of your paper. In this case, you wrote a little too much, which could affect the essay in a negative manner just the same. Use a timer to get a better idea of the number of words you could potentially write, without having to watch the clock.

You have not used enough various word representations in the essay to convince the reviewer that you did not just cut and paste or use memorized phrases from the original prompt. You should have looked for alternative words to the terms anti-social and banned in certain places. Those come directly from the original prompt without changes. Therefore you will lose points in the GRA section.

By the way, as a measured response with personal opinion essay, you cannot simply say "While I agree that the use of mobile phones has some harmful effects, I am also for the idea that it is unnecessary to prohibit mobile phones." That is because it does not follow the expected format for the response in this type of prompt. You could have worded your response in the following manner instead:

[i]I partly disagree with this statement due to several reasons.[/i]

Partly means that you have a 50/50 stance with regards to the discussion. Your next paragraphs should reflect that divided opinion on your end. The discussion points you presented are numerous but not fully explained. Hence the cohesiveness and coherence of your discussion was affected, causing confusion for the reader and an under developed discussion path for your presentation. That is too bad because the essay presents good reasons. The problem was the lack of explanation for your reasons.

The last problem for this essay is the lack of proper conclusion. The conclusion should be seen as a summary of your personal discussion points and a reiteration of your stance. The concluding portion was only a run-on sentence, which reflects badly upon your English writing skills.

Possible Score: 5

Reason:
Based on these observations and the requirements of the rubic, it appears that your writing skills consistently fall under the 5 mark. That means the work is acceptable but could use improvement. In order to reach the 6 score, you need to focus on a better discussion ability. Develop your explanations based on a singular or 2 connected reasons in a paragraph. That way you create cohesiveness and coherence in your presentation. That is where your improvement should begin. Learn how to present clearer discussions for your paragraph presentations through the use of topic sentences.

Essays / Any idea on how to go by this Sweden Scholarship Essay? [5]

It will be easier for you to respond to this question if you are familiar with the UN 2030 Agenda for your nation. Do you work for the UNDP? Do you know anybody in your country who works in that sector? The strongest applications come from students who clearly relate the UN Agenda for Sustainable Development with the existing UN programs in your country, in relation to your field of work.

By first relating the UN and UNDP agenda in your country to your desire for a higher education, you will manage to strongly explain the first part of the essay which asks you to discuss the application of the knowledge and experience in your line of work and home country. I have advised and helped students formulate their responses to these very questions before. The ones that got in were always the ones who highlighted the UN Agenda in relation to their additional training. The essay should be written as follows:

- UN Agenda 2030 in your country. Describe why the agenda is important and which particular field you are participating in.
- Explain the importance of further developing your skills to help a specific part of the agenda in your country. What specific cybersecurity program in Sweden are you interested in learning about? Why do you think a similar program is implementable in your country?

- If possible, relate any cybersecurity breaches that the country failed to address. Why were you powerless to stop it?
- Explain the course, what subjects you feel will specifically address the agenda, how you plan to participate in the development of the program in your country based on your theoretical and practical skills development.

Undergraduate / Help with my Waterloo AIF! (Comp. Sci / Math [Data Science]) [3]

There are two keywords in this essay that will weaken your consideration for a student slot. The words are "childhood" and "father". These two words signify that you did not understand the discussion instructions and what the goal of your response should be.Let's break this down into sections:

Educational Goals in Relation to the Program
Your response has to show a degree of self analysis regarding your current skills and your future considerations for a career. These cannot be based on childhood fancies and parental humoring. Rather, this has to highlight your interests in a manner that justifies additional education in the field. What do you specifically want to learn about? Why do you think that Waterloo offers the best academic and practical training for your career aspirations? How does your chosen major at the university address your motivation and objectives?

Only after you have responded to these 2 basic questions can you develop a response that highlights your plans to hone your technical skills through the co-op program and other activities. Try to be more specific. You will need to look into related activities and training at the university. Do research. Read the blogs of former students and use whatever information you can that relates to your chosen major and university choice. These researched information should help you present a more personal response that considers all of the required information from the prompt.

Undergraduate / Middle school teacher - The most memorable person in your life [3]

The introductory sentence is missing the subject "person" as indicated in the title of the statement. The sentence does not have a subject in its presentation and therefore does not create a sentence with meaning. There is a word choice error in the second sentence. A "bout" is defined as a period of activity. While the term "about" means "reasonably close to". See where the mistake lies? When you choose the wrong word to use in a sentence, you can and will change the meaning being delivered. It will not relate to the topic you wanted to talk about anymore. You should also be using a comma after the term "relationship". The comma will indicate a secondary sentiment that relates directly to the first part of the sentence. The pronoun "she" should not be capitalized in the middle of a sentence. That is always written in lowercase unless it is used at the start of a sentence.

Nice work in presenting this statement. You still have some ways to go before becoming truly proficient in English writing but this essay shows that you are putting in the hard work towards achieving that goal. Keep practicing. you will get to that point.

Scholarship / Education reform gaps - Australia Award Scholarship [3]

Revise the essay to provide a clearer reason for your course. You can do this by rearranging the paragraphs as follows: 2,1,3. By rearranging the first 2 paragraphs, you will deliver a clearer reason for your course choice and what you hope to accomplish by completing the course. The part that requires a major revision is paragraph 3. The thing is, you have chosen 2 different universities to possibly attend in Australia. As such, you cannot lump the discussion as to your university course under a single explanation.

Each university must have been chosen on the merits of its masters course offering and possible training you will receive at that institution. Each university has a different academic and training focus, even if the masters course carries the same name. By offering a different explanation for each university choice, you will be able to expand upon your academic goals and expectations explanation in the essay. If need be, you can relate each masters curriculum to a problem area in your line of work, then explain how the curriculum could potentially help you solve the problem/s upon your return.

Letters / Motivational Letter to Study in Germany - Master in Computational Mechanics [2]

Pull back on the undergraduate references. Highlight your research ability and thesis, but connect it to a more definitive motivation on your part. Speak heavily about how the masters program would contribute to enhancing the current workplace skills that you have. Equate your motivation clearly with your current work opportunities and desire for advance skills build-up on your part. The essay is severely lacking in a clear motivation or motivational points.

The motivational letter must be clear about how you plan to use this training in the future based on your current professional background. A masters student always has a professional motivation / reason for higher studies. I don't really get a sense of professional application in your current motivation explanation. This version fell into the trap of becoming an academic biography for you, which are not really useful information in a motivation letter. Those information belong either in a personal statement or a statement of purpose. I base this statement on commonly known criteria for each type of essay, without knowing if you are responding to specific prompt requirements for the application.

With regards to why you chose Germany, relate the response more to the University and its internship programs. That makes more sense than saying you want to study in Germany because of the chance to train at those automotive companies. The country does not give you the training, it is the university that does that. Therefore, the reason to study in Germany should rely heavily on the capacity of the university to train you based on your professional development needs or requirements.

Writing Feedback / Different views about the amount of money paid to top sportspeople. [5]

You do not use ownership phrases throughout your body of paragraphs to represent the public points of view (2 points) prior to discussing your point of view. The whole essay comes across a total representation of your point of view. The prompt paraphrase is incorrect and that led to the mistake on your part. Compare the two:

OP: Discuss both views and give your opinion.
YP: While there are some ... in my opinion they receive fair salaries.

A prompt adherent representation of the paraphrase can be seen in the following:

There are two points of view regarding athletes salaries. Some people believe that sports people are paid too much. Others believe that the games players fees are commensurate . This essay will compare the two points of view in order for me to arrive at my own opinion regarding the discussion.

The prompt paraphrase should always showcase a restated version of the following:
- Topic for discussion
- Discussion topic 1
- Discussion topic 2
- Discussion instruction

The ownership phrases (ex. While some groups believe that... , Another discussion crowd explains that... ) help to indicate what point of view is presented (pro/con /personal opinion) in each paragraph. By using the ownership words, you create a more coherent and cohesive presentation of the discussion. Rather than mistakenly representing the discussion as a personal point of view. A mistake that you made in the overall discussion of this topic.

Undergraduate / 'amazing, a wonderful friend and an even better person' - Other people's opinions of me [2]

If you just revise the beginning of the statement to exclude the reference to your brother and focus instead on a time when you observed your parents, the essay should be off to a very good start. The reason I want you to exclude your brother is because he did not really have anything to say about you in the presentation. Unless that person will be included in the statement, he should not take away from the word count which can be used to expand the statement with additional information. Discuss instead how your parents found you to be an introvert and worried about you not being sociable. Then say that their fears were quelled when you began to come out of your shell.

This is a creative approach to the statement. You did a good job in delivering the POV of your friend and then explaining why that is so. This is a unique approach. You just need to revise the presentation about your parents and add a short paragraph about the POV of the community. The community could be represented by a religious leader, a community group leader or member, or even a neighbor that you help out sometimes. The idea being that you can represent how you participate in the various communities, in the various positions that you represent (offspring, sibling, friend, group member, etc.).

Before I forget, do not overwhelm the reviewer with your personal achievements. Just pick the one you are most proud of, as requested by the discussion instructions, and build your explanation of that achievement. Pick one that you believe best represents your personality that was not represented by the discussion covering how your family, friends, and community members would describe you.

Writing Feedback / General Training - Task 1 - Type: Job Application - Subject: Social events' organiser [2]

It is important that you know that just because other people tell you how the might have written the letter, does not mean that you made a mistake in the way that you wrote your letter. There are no errors in your presentation. This is how you would like to write the letter and the opinion of others should respect that. There should never be any advice that undermines your confidence in your own writing abilities.

You did just fine with your letter. I do not ever want you to doubt yourself. The way you express yourself is, as I always say, the way you will be scored by the examiner. The examiner will not care how other people would have written their version of the letter. All he will care about is how you expressed yourself in the task, how you made yourself understood. That is what you will be scored on. Nothing more, nothing less.

Now, basing your general work on the requirements of the rubic, it is more than likely that you would get an average of 5 in all scoring areas. That means, you are doing a good job in writing. You will get a passing score. What you have to do is increase your ability to use more advanced British English vocabulary so that you can increase the LR and grammar range and accuracy of your presentation. Your vocabulary is simple enough to get the job done. We are looking for an intermediate vocabulary use at this point. You are still sticking to basic vocabulary, which hinders your ability to score better in the LR section.

Your presentation is acceptable but could be improved. Try to perform more English sentence development exercises, aside from the writing task tests. By practicing to write and/or complete English sentences using various exercises (all available online), you will begin to develop your writing style from beginner, to intermediate, then hopefully, to an advanced status. I will be extremely happy once you start writing complex and simple sentences in an intermediate state. That means you can score at least or more than a 6 already in the given task.

The sentence completion exercises will also help you in your essay writing because you will begin to develop your complex writing skills while also improving your vocabulary. Not to mention, you will also learn how to develop coherent and cohesive sentence presentations. Don't just keep writing the essays, practice sentence development alongside it. Otherwise, you will be limiting your writing style to the band 5 score.

Undergraduate / UWaterloo AIF Help (Computer Science and Data Science) - reasons of your program choice [4]

The response you wrote is quite impersonal in approach. It delivers only bare information, commonly known to people, without much of an explanation. I see that you declared 2 majors of interest. The prompt asks you to discuss each course individually with 300 characters allotted for each course discussion, the final 300 allotted for your university choice sentence/statement. Adhere to the instructions, discuss your interest in each course individually. Only after individually discussing your 2 course major choices should you discuss your interest in Waterloo either in a collective or course individual manner. The current statement is too wanting in proper representation of explanations. You need to rework your statement to deliver a more individual, focused, and relevant explanation.

Undergraduate / My Younger Brothers Cancer [3]

Unfortunately, it is not your brother who is applying for admission to college. The essay speaks volumes of his plight in all its seriousness, but refers very little to the claims of affecting your maturity and coming of age sooner that you were normally expected to. The focus of the essay cannot be on your brother and his plight. It has to reflect how the plight affected you. I believe that the part where you said "...my brother had no one. I was forced to morph into a mother figure..." That is the most important part of this essay that brings the focus of his illness onto you. This is the background that is essential to your story. Explain how becoming his mother affected your sense of maturity. How you developed your sense of responsibility because of the situation. Why you believe that this was a pivotal character building event in your life.

You don't have to shy away from Cancer as a topic. You just need to know how to frame the discussion to make the Cancer a discussion about how you are a person well prepared for college today because of the demands that your bother's cancer heaped upon you. If you became the caretaker of your family because your father was an alcoholic and your brother was struggling with cancer, then refocus the presentation on that. Lessen the focus on your bother, focus more on the skills and mindset that you developed during this time. Make it clear that this experience is one that will help you tremendously once you begin to attend college.

The experience and how it helped you mature as a person and prepared you for college must be the focal point of the essay. You may want to consider writing a new essay with a new focus instead of trying to revise this one. It is more difficult to revise than it is to write a new essay.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS WRITING TASK 2] Pros & Cons Technology affects Social relationship [7]

Since you have a specific band score in mind, it will be best for me to rate your work based on the appropriate grading rubic. This should help give you an idea as to whether you are anywhere near your target band score. A review explaining the score will be included.

TA (6) - The problem with your task accuracy is that your discussions per paragraph remain under developed. Underdeveloped statements are the result of including too many discussion topics in the paragraph instead of focusing on only one well discussed topic per paragraph. There is also a lack of transition sentence use at the end of the paragraphs to help create a cohesiveness between paragraph discussions. In addition to that, you do not strongly advocate for the point of view that you supposedly support. The use of the term "possibly" indicates that you are not convinced that you have a strong and defendable position for your chosen side. Avoid terms that connote uncertainty in your presentation. These essays require you to have a strong supporting argument / evidence for the side you opt to support.

Coherence and Cohesiveness (6) - You have created connected reasons in the paragraphs but you need to work on better using transition sentences to connect 2 ideas within one sentence. That means, you have to train yourself to have 2 transition sentences per paragraph. One transition mid-paragraph to introduce the second idea for discussion (as it connects with the first idea), and a final transition sentence that will help introduce the next topic for discussion.

Lexical Resource (5) - You don't really have a wide range of English vocabulary yet that can help you present a more advanced form of discussion. Some words used affect your word formation in a negative manner. Making the sentence a bit confusing to understand at times.

Grammar Range and Accuracy (5) - You lack a proper balance of complex and simple sentences in each paragraph. You have a tendency to write run-on sentences instead of using full stops. Avoid discussing two ideas in one presentation / sentence to help keep the presentation clear to the reader. You also have some grammatical errors in relation to conciseness that resulted in additional point deductions.

Based on the above considerations, I believe that your current writing skills might be under the 6 scoring bracket. That means, you have to work just a little harder to hit the 7 mark.

Research Papers / I need commentary. My essay is about the justification of college vs its alternatives. [3]

To provide a stronger foundation for your argument that college is not always the best option for students, you need to look into the historical reasons regarding why some secondary education graduates tend to fair better in the workplace than those who have an undergraduate degree. Cite some historical figures and their lack of a college background as a strong explanation and example of how a college education is not always required to succeed. Before you go for the modern examples like Steve Jobs and Mark Zuckerberg, go for the early examples of non-college successes such as Abraham Lincoln, Andrew Carnegie, Anne Beiler, Benjamin Franklin, Coco Chanel, Henry Ford, among others. Pick some notable names and give an explanation of why they did not go to college and why that did not prevent them from succeeding in life.

You may also want to consider discussing how the current government is supporting the advancement of vocational education to help those who cannot afford to pay for college or, who simply want to get started working immediately. Programs such as the Pledge to American Workers ( of which Google is a member and offering free training and support for those who wish to participate in the program), WGDP, (that finances women worldwide who wish to go into business but lack the training and financial support to do so) and the Perkins Act, which has traditionally supported the non-college programs (recently revived). These additional information will help to further enhance the reasoning that there are more than a single alternative to going to college. It is important to highlight that the government is focusing on technical and vocational programs precisely because of the almost unaffordable cost of college fees. Imply that the government itself has acknowledged that a person can be a success provided the training and supporting programs as in place to ensure success for the person. There are mountains of records regarding employment that will attest to the effectiveness of the alternative education training programs. It is readily available through online sources.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS WRITING TASK 2] ADVANTAGES AND DISADVANTAGES OF TRAVELLING ALONE [4]

Basically, your essay did not follow the original prompt at all. The original prompt is:

Some people like to travel alone, while others think it is better to go together with someone. Discuss both views and include your opinion

As you can see, this was not an advantage/disadvantage/personal opinion essay. Rather this was a companion/no companion/personal opinion discussion. It is a comparison essay. As such, it will be clear to the examiner that you did not truly understand the prompt requirements and score you accordingly in the TA section. That means your TA score for this essay will be no higher than a 3. That means, if the deductions for the other grading sections are added up, there is no way you can reach the 5 band score with this sort of writing. You are scored highly on English understanding skills. Fail to prove that and it will be extremely difficult for you to make up the score to get the passing mark.

Your full discussion was based on your personal point of view. You did not discuss the public opinion for the two points of view before presenting your own assumption. That further weakened the essay because you only discussed a partial requirement instead of all the discussion criteria. You must consider all of the scoring options primarily in the TA section and ensure an appropriate response to the expected discussion so that you can be sure that you can boost your overall score from the first paragraph onward.

Scholarship / NFGL member - how you can apply the knowledge and experience gained from your time in Sweden [2]

The application to the workplace setting is acceptable. However, I feel like the application is a bit shallow and standard in terms of responses. There should be a sense of how you will do intellectual transference to help the other departments or enhance the method by which program presentations are enhanced and sped up overall. Somehow, simply saying that the knowledge you gained will help speed up the application process seems a bit lacking. Try to think of other ways that your acquired skills and knowledge will further enhance the office setting and/or national program implementation.

Your networking response needs to be better presented. The networking reference should indicate how you will use the contacts to facilitate cross-border partnerships and training programs. Don't focus on just how the network can help you and how you plan to use it for your country's interests, Show a collaborative networking system. That way you will be able to say that there will be a regular exchange and development of knowledge and expertise, even after you and the others have completed the program.

Scholarship / GKS Graduate Program 2020 PERSONAL STATEMENT - Urban Planning [4]

There is a strong sense of your connection to Korea in this essay. One of the strongest points of this essay is how you established that you are familiar with the educational system, being a foreign student in the country once before. You may want to play up your Hangul skills in this essay. Just to help further convince the reviewer of your strong Korean connection. A reference to your previous TOPIK score will also further boost your consideration as a contender for the scholarship. Since you are applying via university track, you should highlight the specific programs of the university in relation to Urban Planning that you feel will help better your current skills as an urban planner. Actually, that is the one part of this essay that is under represented.

Try to better discuss your current skills as an urban planner. Work experience in relation to your current research on the given topic will help further increase the interest in your application. Make sure to represent how you have hopes of basing your new urban designs on the Korean model, something you hope to learn from the university. If possible, discuss more about how the 2030 Seoul plan further influenced your motivation to go to Korea to study. Imply how you hope to set up a similar plan in Indonesia after you complete the course. That should help to better establish the work relationship in relation to the GKS program.

Again, this is already a good essay. It just needs further enhancements through the addition of information that will better establish your Korean relationship and interests.

Writing Feedback / Discuss about child begging in Vietnam and state my opinion on it. (approximately 150 words) [4]

If you are writing this essay as part of your IELTS Task 2 preparations, I am sad to say that you will not be able to get a passing score for this type of work. You have written an essay that is 100 words under the required minimum word presentation. That means your essay will be graded with severe points deductions for the missing 100 words, which in turn will result in a failed TA score. The TA score requires the student to meet the 250 word minimum. So it would be useless for me to try to advise you regarding the content of your essay and points for improvement. It will already have failed anyway. Next time, write the 250 word minimum before posting here for advice.

Now if this was written simply as a practice essay for no English test in particular, I have a few observations regarding your adherence to grammar rules that may be of help to you in writing your next essay.

You need to learn when to use complex words and when to use simple words. When writing a simple sentence, use simple references such as "establish - set up". The difference being that to establish means to bring something into existence or to institute (something, such as a law) permanently by enactment or agreement. While to set up means to "...make carefully worked out plans for " The latter meaning is what you wanted to imply in the relevant sentence. You also need to learn to use more specific language, without additional word fillers such as "actually address". The more straightforward writing would be to lose the "actually", since it adds clarity to what you want to say and removes uncertainty in the presentation.

Next time you post an essay for review, please indicate if it is for an English test or just for English practice so it can be reviewed accordingly.

Writing Feedback / Computers are regarded as the most influential invention of the last century [3]

The whole discussion does not follow the required parameters of the original topic. I am not sure why you decided to change the discussion instructions for this essay which are:

OP: To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
YP: From my point of view, the advent of computers is essential because of wonderful benefits they bring about.

As you can see, you totally deviated from the task assigned fro discussion based on your response to the question. This is a combination response essay. Meaning, you have to present a measured response based on an opinion. The measured response explanation will be based on the discussion instruction which was:

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

While your body paragraphs will be scored in accordance with the evidentiary response you gave, you will still be scored lower in the TA section as you did not properly address the question being asked with an appropriate measured response. In addition to that, there is no proper summarized discussion presented in your conclusion. The conclusion did not follow the required information presentation for the Task 2 essay.

Even though you wrote over the required number of words, 309 words tells me that you did not time yourself while writing this task, please use a timer to help you gauge how well you write within the time limits, the long essay will not help improve your overall score because of the problems I indicated above. You could have presented a strong argument within 275-300 words if you only remained on point throughout the discussion paragraphs and concluding presentation.

Writing Feedback / Extreme sports are dangerous and should be banned - is it a good option? [3]

A proper review of your essay cannot be made due to the incomplete posting. However, a review of your adherence to British English grammar rules and other non-TA related considerations may be completed. Sorry, this is the best anybody here can do without having the complete prompt and essay to read, review, and consider.

Try to use more descriptive adjectives in your essay. For example, you said "hard conditions" when the situation normally finds the athletes dealing with "HARSH conditions." I know you meant to use the term harsh but did not recall the proper term to use while writing the essay. Don't use a word that sounds similar to what you want to use if you cannot recall the correct word to use. You might use it in the wrong context and in effect, harm your GRA plus C&C scores.

Your sentences also need to be more concise in presentation. Use simple words to refer to certain discussions (as to = to) will be more helpful to your score instead of complicating the presentation in a manner that could affect the clarity of your presentation. It is better to present straightforward discussions as opposed to overdeveloped but wrongly worded sentences.

Scholarship / REVIEW ON PTDF MSC MOTIVATION LETTER ON ENERGY AND ENVIRONMENTAL ENGINEERING [2]

The motivation letter does not respond to the most basic question being asked: "What is the professional motivation for your studies?" You seem to not have enough professional experience (if at all) as you refer to your undergraduate studies more than the required professional application for your graduate studies. Your motivations should reflect upon your professional exposure to the oil and gas industry within your country. The motivation letter only speaks of your academic accomplishments but does not address the logical professional qualifications that you have which can be used as a reference for the strength of your motivation. Without focusing the message of your essay on the proper topics, the motivation letter that you wrote doesn't really help your application and in fact, weakens your application credentials.

Writing Feedback / General Training - Task 2 - Type: Agree or Disagree - Subject: television, laziness, socialisation [3]

Try to write at least 275 - 300 words for the Task 2 essay to receive the maximum possible scoring considerations based on the grading rubic. You have done a very good job in paraphrasing the original prompt. You have totally changed the presentation of the sentence, while keeping the subject of the original prompt in your presentation. This shows that you have a good grasp of the English language that goes beyond memorized phrases. You also showcase an ability to use various vocabulary. The overall discussion shows a good understanding of the prompt requirements and uses a balanced mix of complex and simple sentences in every paragraph.

The only problem with your essay is the concluding paragraph, where you reiterate you position on the discussion. When reiterating your position, you must include a summary of the supporting discussion topics from the body of paragraphs. The concluding statement needs to remind the reader of the previous positions in order to help them understand why you concluding statement is so strongly supported by the essay facts.

This is not a bad try at writing a Task 2 essay. Like I said, your score will be helped tremendously if you have the confidence to write more than just a little over the maximum required words. You have shown the potential to score well in this task, build on it.

Graduate / Review My Letter of Motivation for Masters in Finance and Economics in Germany [2]

I believe that paragraphs 4 and 5 have the most required information for a letter of motivation. However, both paragraphs need to be further developed in terms of motivation and goals to help it become a more solid representation of your motivations for studies in Germany, specifically at this university.

In paragraph 4, you do a good job of explaining your current job, work duties and responsibilities, and how it has motivated you to pursue advanced studies. You should continue the discussion to add a reference to a clear career path that completing advanced studies will help set you on. The motivation is somewhat implied in the paragraph. You need to spell it out based on your work experience. What skills do you lack, why are you motivated to become a better worker in this field, and what you hope to gain career-wise upon completing the course.

For paragraph 5, you should be specific about the course in relation to the university. The two discussions will go in the same paragraph and hopefully, represent your professional motivation on an academic basis. That means the academic motivation should be based on:

Professional shortcomings + university course offerings = professional motivation addressed

Using only those 2 paragraphs, completely developed, should help you better discuss your motivations without going into details that are better used in the statement of purpose.

Scholarship / Global Korea Scholarship - Personal Statement. Medical Doctor. [2]

The essay can be made stronger. Your motivation to pursue this line of study is clear. However, you do not show any actual participation in the development of lunch programs in your country. Try to establish reasons as to why you are lacking experience in that department. Your background is also heavy on the consultation side, without reference to any research background. You need a stronger research background to prove that you can survive as an MS student. Remember, MS students do mostly research work so you have to depict yourself as an effective researcher either by explaining your final year thesis or highlighting a continuing development of your research skills. As for the Korea reference, it is too general to be used to illustrate how an education in Korea will help you improve the nutrition of Indonesian children through lunch programs. Try to explain the existing lunch programs in your school and compare it to a specific Korean school lunch program. The side by side comparison should help you explain the motivations by which you chose to study in Korea. It has to be stronger than just having watched a TV program about a Korean lunch program in once school. Overall, the essay has the potential to make you a good candidate. You just need to better develop certain aspects to enhance your application potential.

By the way, are you applying via embassy or university track? If it is by university track, don't forget that you need to discuss the reasons why you chose the university, based on your academic goals and university course offerings.

Graduate / SOP for MS in Industrial Engineering; to make connections within the field and ultimately land a job [4]

Discuss the SOP in reverse, keeping only the relevant information for the presentation. Omit the useless information such as your interests in childhood and other similar topics. As an MS student, you are expected to have mature influences on your decision to attend graduate school. This should stem from your line of work and the foundation / introduction you received in college. To revise this essay use the following:

- My six months job as a Junior Design Engineer ... (Add information about your regular job. An internship is acceptable but does not carry the same weight as an indication of proper, professional employment related to the MS course.)

- I did Lean Champion Course for 1 .. making, and communication.

- In my 3rd year of college... less required energy.
- In my final year of graduation...skills in this project.
- Talking about my internships... in an Industry.

What should your additional information focus on?
- A clearer purpose for your studies (academic and professional)
- Course curriculum related reasons for choosing this university
- Technical reasons for choosing the university (training programs, networking opportunities, etc) and why it will be helpful in achieving your purpose of studies.

Your reference to the university needs to be based on actual job application settings rather than what you hope to learn, without spelling out why you need to learn those information. This should tie in with the purpose and motivation for your desire to complete this course.

Writing Feedback / Ielts task 2. In recent years, people are likely to live alone instead of starting a family [5]

The essay prompt asks you to choose one side to discuss in the essay. This is not a measured response essay that will allow you to discuss the degree of agreement and disagreement in an equal manner. There is no middle discussion point here. It is either you see this as a positive OR negative development. It cannot be both. The reason you need to choose one side is because of the format for the discussion which is:

- Prompt restatement
- Opposing public view
- Reasons you do not support the public view
- Conclusion

The essay is asking you to analyze the problem based on your understanding of the situation presented. Based on what you know from public examples, public knowledge, and personal information, you should be able to present a strong supporting position for an opposing point of view. The format could be:

- ... I view this as a negative development.
- In other countries... (use only one reason)
- From what I understand though... Hence my belief that this should not be considered an affirmative development.
- In the end, considering the worldwide view that... Then allowing for my personal opinion that... It is easy to understand why this discussion leans more towards a bad result.

Again, the task 2 essay is all about your ability to analyze a given situation / topic. Make sure that you understand the question enough to be able to write in the required format. Normally, one reason per paragraph works better in this type of discussion topic. Just make sure the paragraphs relate in the discussion presentation.

Writing Feedback / (IELTS WRITING TASK 2) Population aging: effects and solutions [3]

This is a task 2 essay. That means the first paragraph should be a paraphrase or restatement of the given prompt in a factual manner. The first paragraph is never used to begin the discussion. The TA score is based on your English comprehension skills. That means the TA score is mostly focused on the way that you represent the requirements of the introduction / paraphrase paragraph. The requirements for the first paragraph are:

- A clear and cohesive restatement of the prompt topic for discussion. Include repetitions of the reasons from the original using a different sentence structure and keywords representation. This is to be done in your own words.

- A restatement of the instruction for the prompt which is represented by your response to the instruction. In this case it would have been:
... This essay shall discuss the outcome of the decline in birthrate and increase in the aging population.

Now, forgoing the mistake in the requirements for the first paragraph, your current introduction and the following discussion paragraphs would have functioned very well as supporting evidence for your topics. It is well thought out and clearly based on a thorough understanding of the topic, without requiring research. The common sense approach to the discussion helped you create a good mix of complex and simple sentences. Word of caution though, do not use ellipses in formal essay writing. The ellipses are better used in informal / casual essay writing. This is an academic paper that expects you to follow basic English grammar rules in your presentation.

There is a possibility that you may face additional point deductions in the TA section for offering solutions to the problem. That is because you were only being asked to discuss the effects, not possible solutions. You ended up deviating from the given prompt which, ended up changing the whole discussion point in the end. Do not offer information that is not asked for in the original prompt. Otherwise your essay will be scored based on a tangential response score in the TA section.

The essay is not properly concluded. There is no concluding paragraph presented because you discussed an additional, unsolicited topic in the last paragraph instead of simply summarizing the full discussion for the concluding wrap up statement as required.

Scholarship / Masters is Security and Information Assurance at KFUPM - Statement of Purpose [3]

Please write a totally new statement of purpose. What you have written above is an autobiography of your academic accomplishments and participation. Which is not the required information for the statement of purpose. The statement of purpose needs to present a logical and career related reason for your desire to study this masters course. This essay does not provide that explanation. However, there are points that you can use to create a new version of this essay. You must use:

- Saudi Vision 2030 in relation to the development of security technology in your line of work. This will be the purpose for your application.
- My undergraduate thesis research ...(DDoS) Attack Using General Regression Neural Network". This will prove your research background and ability which is an important skill to have as a masters student.

- An explanation of your current professional position and how the course relates to the progression of your career. Relate these to the Saudi 2030 Vision program.

- I was ever attended in some seminars ... Surabaya City Government.

The idea is to prove to the reviewer that you have the theoretical and / or practical foundation in Security Information that has prepared you to undertake this course. You also need a definite purpose for your line of study. If you can relate one of the 2030 Vision programs with your career and academic goals, then your essay will be more purposeful in presentation and actually showcase a career direction for you that will benefit from these advanced, additional studies.

If that professor will not be writing a recommendation letter for you, do not mention his name. It will not help your application. You did not intern with him. You only attended a seminar, which simply makes you are only one of the many whom he taught that day. That does not heighten the profile of your application. Additionally, you mentioned that you tried to attend additional seminars / training. Tried to and actually attended are two different things. If you try, that means you did not qualify for the seminar or training, which means you are not prepared to attend an advanced masters course. Never use words that show uncertainty or a lack of preparedness. That will be negative considerations for your application.

Do not enumerate all the subjects that you took. Just focus on highlighting your participation in current training programs and seminars. Since you need to have at least 2 years work experience for this type of masters course, most of the consideration for your application will be on the actual usefulness of the course within your workplace setting. Therefore, you must indicate more recent training in relation to the course.

Scholarship / Global Korean Scholarship Study Plan for Improve Language to reach my goals [2]

While your expertise in English writing is probably just as bad as your Hangul at this point, I can sense the effort that you placed in your response to the study plan. Unfortunately, you focused your response only on how you would like to improve your Hangul before and after you come to Korea. The study plan requires a presentation of language learning plans for at least 2 languages, English and Korea, along with any other language that might be of interest to you. I believe that this essay requires you to revise the content.

The first part can focus on discussing how you plan to learn Hangul (good plan by the way) and the last part, could be about how you plan to better your English language use (before and after), with a focus on scoring well either in the IELTS or TOEFL test so that you can have proof of your English proficiency as well. Remember, the books you will be reading as a student will be either in Hangul or English. Therefore, you need to present an interest in learning the 2 languages that will help you study better in Korea. The focus on English learning will be to also help you get a better social life in Korea. Most students will be exposed to an international student community where English is more often than not, the de-facto language in use.

After you revise the essay, you may need some editing help to finalize the presentation grammatically. Just to make it easier to read and understand on the part of the reviewer.

Writing Feedback / Eating vegetarian of Vietnamese people [3]

I am not exactly sure what the point of this exercise is. There is a severe disconnect between the title, the focus of the early essay and the point of the last part of the presentation. It appears to me that you just wrote this essay as a simple English writing exercise. Therefore, I will advise you as to how to further improve your writing skills based on that assumption.

Please be conscious of how to spell words. You need to consistently spell the keyword vegetarian properly. You misspelled the word once in this presentation. You also need to make sure that you properly refer to your readers in this essay. You have word choice errors in the presentation ( you= your). You also have problems with your noun phrases. The correct term is 43 thousand, not thousands. The hyphenation problem can also be seen in the way that you mistakenly wrote one-kilogram sans the hyphen.

The sentence structures are problematic. It lacks coherence due to the mixed-up English words that you used to create the sentences. This tells me that you are a beginner in learning the English language. I strongly suggest that you brush up on your basic English vocabulary. Reading English comic books and watching shows with English sub-titles should help you become more familiar with the way English sentences are developed, constructed, and presented to the reading public. You will definitely learn from those examples.

Don't worry, the essay is simple enough to understand. The point of your essay can still be found in the writing, although reading the essay causes some confusion for the native English speakers. You should just keep writing and posting at this forum so that we can collectively help you improve your English writing skills.

Writing Feedback / Countries should try to produce all the food for the population and imports [2]

Based on the original prompt for this discussion, it appears that you have cut and paste some references from the original. That means, you did not try very hard to paraphrase the presentation. Hence your GRA score will reflect your inability to formulate original phrases and sentences with point deductions. You also do not have a very good grasp of how English words are formed. The word is "cannot", not "can not".

Now, you are asked to write a minimum of 250 words based on common sense, basic known information to the writer, and public opinion. It does not require researched information just to unnecessarily expand the word count. The essay contains researched information. Do not make it a habit of doing research when you write because the testing center will have locked down computers, No internet access. Use only your basic knowledge and ability to write the discussion for the topic. It is useless to write almost 400 words if you do not properly reflect your analytical and discussion abilities in the essay. Writing 275-300 words of your own inductive or deductive reasoning words will be more beneficial to over 300 words of researched information. You cannot do research during the actual test.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2: DISCUSS BOTH VIEWS AND GIVE OPINION [2]

You are still confused as to how to approach the public point of view with personal opinion essay. The format for the discussion is, in no particular order:

Par. 2 - Mental health is important PUBLIC POV
Par. 3 - Strong and fit PUBLIC POV
Par. 4 - Personal opinion that considers the reason for each discussion before presenting an informed opinion.

The opinion statement in this type of essay must always consider a personal comparison of the 2 public opinions before presenting a final personal opinion in the discussion.

The TA section of your score will be affected due to the lack of clarity in your paraphrased introduction. There are several confusing sentences in that section which includes:

- critics contend that lusty competitors are more likely to achieve stunning victories than the rest.

What exactly did you mean by saying "lusty"? Lusty could be taken to have either a sexual or general meaning. In this case, I believe you meant to indicate "full of strength and vitality". Word of caution, do not use words that could be misconstrued in your presentation. It is okay to use simple words instead of complex vocabulary when you are still a beginner in using the English language. You won't lose points for using simple English vocabulary. If you use a word out of context, or it is misunderstood, it could lower your LR score. Don't just grab a dictionary or thesaurus and use the first impressive sounding word that you see. Make sure it will be used properly and the meaning of the word is clear to the reader the first time they come across it.

Writing Feedback / A survey related to studying the purpose of adults and the distribution in their academic cost [3]

You have not written enough words to truly represent your LR and GRA scores. In terms of the TA assessment, you properly identified the content of the illustrations. However, you failed to properly identify the types of drawings provided (bar chart and pie chart). This is supposed to be a detailed summary report. Part of the presentation of information requires an identification of the measurement types.

Your GRA will be affected because you wrote long sentences that included 2 information presentations instead of individual sentences with one data presentation each. You have not written enough of a mix of complex and simple sentences to get a good GRA score. Next time, use full stops. Avoid using commas because the information presented in the drawing is independent of each other. Regardless of the comparison discussion required. The discussion presentation per paragraph requires at least 3 sentences, or 200 words in total. 200 represents the magic number of words required to reach a good C&C and GRA score.

Scholarship / Scholarship in a center for talented-student of Vinschool school (Vietnam) [2]

I am not sure what question you are trying to respond to with this personal statement. I wish you had included the prompt when you posted this essay because it could have helped me make more sense of what you are trying to write about, what you are trying to discuss. At this point, I am confused about the content. You are using a defeatist attitude to help you win a scholarship, regardless of the Pippi Longstocking quote that you used. It still doesn't erase the fact that there is nothing in your statement that can say you have been trying and succeeding, regardless of the obstacles in your path. The "woke" reference to you trying in a field where boys are known to succeed is good. However, it doesn't push forth the idea that you have had even a little success in this field.

With such a weak background, you cannot expect to win the scholarship. Reviewers do not take well to "poor me, pity me" stories. Those do tug at the heartstrings but it doesn't make you a competitive candidate. Try to refocus the story towards some semblance of success based on self training, self teaching, ambition, and truly overcoming obstacles, regardless of the absence of your father.

Be truly "woke" by showing that you succeeded at the start, regardless of the difficulties present in your life at the time, and that you presently continue to succeed. Convince the scholarship reviewer that you have the inner strength and desire to learn to make a go of Robotics as a career, and that all you need is someone to believe in you and support your ambitions in life. That is how this can become an effective personal statement.

Scholarship / Global Korea Scholarship GKS 2020 - Master of Business Administration - Personal Statement [2]

The only part of this essay that you can use is the reference to the preparations you have made for your possible time as a student in Korea. The reference to the why Korea became the focal point of your interest is too weak. It must relate to your current line of work and the success and breakthroughs that Korea has made in the field. Your interest should be in the potential of Korea to increase your abilities in relation to your work interests. Your motivation is non-existent. A strong motivation must show that you are someone who has the potential to become a leader in your field based on your educational and work accomplishments. You have neglected both aspects of the presentation in those cases. In addition to that, there is no reference to your ability to complete intricate research. While your participation in student government is admirable, that is not of interest to the reviewer. True, it is an academic accomplishment, but it does not prove your ability to be an effective researcher nor does it speak of your experience in the research field.

Review the masters degree personal statement prompt requirements. You can clearly see that you have not properly addressed all of the requirements as it relates to the GKS and your professional future. Fill in the blanks. Write a new essay that responds, by paragraph to each prompt requirement. The prompts are not suggested topics, those are required topics so these must be fully discussed in your personal statement. Otherwise your application will fail in the first round of considerations.

Graduate / Bioinformatics personal statement for graduate school [2]

It sounds confusing, self-defeating, and illogical. The presentation needs a lot of work. Since the course you want to study for your masters does not directly relate to your job, you need to find the most minute reason (least reason) that it can connect with data science. Attending a boot camp is good. However, it does not really indicate a full preparation for the course. It just means that you have a basic understanding of the course requirements. Unless you can prove further self-study and a method by which you can apply data science to your current job, your personal statement will not be believable. Which is it? Do you want to be a good data researcher or just a researcher within your profession? Your essay does not really focus on a proper point of view. If you want to be a data scientist, then focus on that. Don't muddle the issue so much by discussing your current job in a manner that does not relate to the masters course. You should try to write another personal statement. Don't use this current one. It just doesn't work.

Writing Feedback / Cost of living is rising. Effects and solutions? [3]

I am not sure if you are writing a Task 2 essay here or just a practice essay for general English classes. Regardless, your original prompt was: In many countries, the cost of living is rising. What effects do higher prices have on individual and society? And what are better ways for people to deal with the high cost?

In any essay, a writer's representation of the given discussion is a requirement. Based on the above prompt, one can clearly see that your paraphrase is incomplete in presentation. You need at least 3 sentences to represent a minimum, complete paraphrase such as:

Nations across the globe are affected by the constant elevation of the cost of living. These increased costings directly affect the international community. This essay will focus on presenting information regarding the effects of the uncontrolled price increases and methods by which the citizens of any country can address the regular increase in the cost of living.

You only have a limited amount of time to complete this essay in a coherent manner. Your second paragraph has too much information for processing which resulted in a confused form of writing. Next time, try this format:

Par. 2: Effects of prices on society
Par. 3 - Ways to deal with the problem

Do not try to discuss both instructed discussion points in a combined form. That creates incoherence in the presentation since you are not a native English speaker. Your grammar structure tends to confuse the reader because your sentence formation can be difficult to understand. However, if you group the discussion by sentence topic, there is a chance you will be able to better explain yourself and in the process, keep the discussion points clear for the reader.

Writing Feedback / It is right that university graduates should earn more money than less well educated people [3]

Being a degree discussion essay, your paraphrase will be seen as lacking in addressing the task requirement. You cannot simply disagree with the presentation. You must present a measurement of that disagreement. The measure could be strongly, partially, totally, wholly, agree in part, etc. Remember, you cannot present a balanced discussion because the essay is asking you to discuss a strong opinion based on the degree and/or strengths of the perceived merits of your opinion.In this case, you could have said "I totally disagree..."

Now, while your essay is on point with the second paragraph, the third paragraph created a prompt deviation because you said : I would also argue that students should not pay all the cost of university education.

The prompt never asked for your opinion regarding the cost of university education. Therefore, your paragraph has a misdirected discussion topic. This will cost you in terms of TA considerations, definitely lowering your TA score in the process. Stick to the given topic. Do not make additional discussions unrelated to the question posed. While you may have thought you were helping your essay by expanding on the discussion topic, you actually hurt your chances of getting a better score by discussing an unrelated subject.