Undergraduate / Academic and Practial World - University of Waterloo. AIF. Reason for choosing to study CE program [4]

Nathan, spell out your academic goals. Your being interested in the CS and CE program in relation to your enthusiasm for Math and logic do not create an academic goal for your learning. This does not indicate a need or reason for your academic desire to attend Waterloo. Academic considerations would profile specific training programs or subjects that caught your interest when reviewing potential universities to apply to. An explanation of how these classes will create a better professional by the time you complete the course requirements will better develop the academic reasoning than the generalized reference to the co-op program in your essay. Try to do a bit more research into the university offerings for your chosen major(s). That way you will give the response a sense that Waterloo is your first choice university based on academic / educational goals. These will also create your list of reasons to apply for admission to the university.

Graduate / Statement of Purpose for Social work and welfare masters program [2]

Ari, this is more of a personal statement than a statement of purpose. The personal statement comes in at paragraphs 1 - 4. The statement of purpose, is given a foundation starting at paragraphs 5 - 8. Based on the division of your essay, it would be better for you to write a new statement of purpose using the last half of the essay as the foundation. Paragraphs 5-8 give the required academic background but can use some strengthening when it comes to the professional experience. Add an observation of the problems you wish to address as a social worker plus an explanation of how the masters course can help you develop a solution through a tentative presentation of a study plan and you will have a better statement of purpose. Fully explain how you hope the university can help you achieve these professional and academic objectives on your part and the essay will be in a better statement of purpose form than it has at the moment.

Undergraduate / Colgate University Supplement - three words your friend uses, which tells a lot about you [2]

Ria, considering the maximum word or character count for this prompt, is there any way that you can use one marked event to explain each characteristic that your friend has used to describe you? Your explanations are too generalized and unimpressive. The presentation isn't eye-catching or attention grabbing at all. There is no real hook for each description that would interest the reviewer to get to know you from the eyes of others. You have to make the essay more impressive by using notable situations that better explain the chosen word descriptor. That way, the reviewer will have a chance to assess your character in relation to the overall student community personality existing in the university.

Right now, you are even using additional words to describe yourself, aside from the descriptions given by your friend. Unfortunately, the added descriptions do not help to further improve your friend's description of who you are. So you need to revise the essay in a manner that will stick to the description used by your friend, expanding on it via the use of situational explanations as applicable to the word used to describe you.

Scholarship / Purpose essay for the gilman scholarship. a study abroad scholarship. helping me go to france [2]

Darrin, as a statement of purpose, I do not believe that the LGBTQ topic factors into this discussion. The scholarship committee really doesn't have any opinion regarding your sexual preference nor does that factor into your qualifications as a future scholar. The question here is focused on the purpose of your desire to study in France. Now, from what I know of the Gilman Scholarship, it encourages and supports the study of their scholars in other countries to help them learn about new technologies, work methods, and international trends, that they can apply to help further develop the United States society upon their return. Aside from the low-cost tiny home project and the use of shipping container homes for affordable housing, what else do you hope to learn about? Say about the professional setting or society that you wish to use to enhance your abilities, skills, and potential as a future professional in the field upon your return. You have to highlight how you will become an overall enhanced student once you return from France. That is one aspects of the purpose discussion that you need to properly highlight in this essay.

You are repeating information about your work situation on campus in the essay. Either introduce it in full at the start or take it out from the beginning and present it in a more appropriate paragraph later in the essay. I feel that the essay is running too long and contains some irrelevant information. The problem, is that you have not supplied the writing guidelines for this essay so I am unable to properly assess how to edit and correct the content. Well, maybe next time. For now, these are the observations I have made which I hope can help you improve your content.

Writing Feedback / SHARING INFORMATION IN SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH, BUSINESS - DISSCUSS AND GIVE OPINION [2]

Hoang, the prompt for this essay asks you to discuss both public points of view first. You are required to give a clear understanding of why each side believes that (a) information sharing should be done freely and (b) Information sharing should not be done at all. Only after the public discussion can you discuss your personal point of view. This type of discussion requirement uses the 3 paragraph reasoning method. Therefore, your essay is not properly informing the reader as you are not disclosing a public POV first. You have converted the essay into a solely personal opinion paper based on the given statement of the public point of view. That alters the discussion pattern completely from the original instructions. That is not how the essay is to be discussed so this essay will get a score, but I doubt it will be enough to be considered a passing one due to the missing discussion requirements.

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay: Should everyone follow a vegetarianism diet? [5]

Nguyen, I have to point out the main problem with your work. You spent a tremendous amount of time researching the prompt information before you wrote the essay. The Task 2 essay only requires a personal knowledge or interpretation of the discussion as there is no time to research, nor will there be access to research information during the actual pen and paper test. As such, this essay is not a conclusive representation of your ability to write a topic centered essay, based on personal information, within a 40 minute period. That is why I cannot begin to review this essay, nor can I point out mistakes in your presentation. This is not the sort of Task 2 essay that can be done in an actual test center. Please write another essay, based on actual test center conditions (40 minute timer, personal knowledge or information only) to receive a proper review of your actual essay writing abilities in reference to Task 2 requirements.

Writing Feedback / PROS AND CONS OF TRAVELLING TO REMOTE NATURAL ENVIRONMENT [5]

Nguyen, indefinite article reference rules have always indicated that "a" is used for consonant starting words, while "an" is used for vowel beginning or sounding words. This is a GRA mistake you committed in reference to the following:

... tourism is also beneficial from a economic perspective...
... AN economic...

You have also added to your GRA mistakes because of a problem with your noun phrase presentation:

Once outsiders flock to these fragile environment...
... fragile ENVIRONMENTS...

These is the plural form of "this" and must follow the appropriate plural description in a sentence presentation of a subject. You made this error several times in the essay presentation. Please be cognizant of the plural presentation rules the next time you write a practice essay. Include a review of word capitalization rules as well as the "Sahara Desert" is a proper noun, it refers to an actual place name, desert is not a descriptive term in this instance and must be capitalized. Also, make sure you use the appropriate punctuation marks at the end of every sentence. Specially at the end of a paragraph. The period is used to indicate a complete sentence presentation.

Now, I have to point out the obvious here. Your response is incorrect. You have deviated from the singular opinion essay presentation by discussing both points of views and delivering an unrelated response in the prompt paragraph. This caused the essay to alter its objective from the original. The correct presentation is:

People from all walks of life can now visit the most hard to reach places on earth. An example of this hard to reach place is the North Pole. I believe, that although there are advantages to this travel ability, the disadvantages far outweigh the benefits this form of travel offers.

From that point, your 2 reasoning paragraphs should be focused on explaining what these reasons are and why these are considered disadvantages. There should not be a discussion of the advantages because that is not the main discussion point from the original prompt.

Writing Feedback / Some people think that the detailed criminal description on newspaper and TV should be banned. [3]

Cao, as I have stated several times before to other students, there is a difference between the UK and American English spelling of certain words. The UK spelling tends to favor the use of vowels in their spelling of words and changing the spelling formation of words when compared to the English counterparts. This is something that you need to be more familiar with in the future so as to increase your LR score. In this essay, you spelled (UK spelling) behaviour in the American way (US spelling) , behavior. While the reviewer tends to overlook these small spelling errors, using the UK spelling when possible could help to boost your spelling accuracy considerations.

Familiarize yourself with the rules regarding comma usage. Normally, any sentence that connects 2 ideas in the sentence presentation using the word "but" needs to have comma before the conjunction. That was a GRA mistake that you made in this essay. There is also a punctuation convention ruling you have to follow when using a comma known as an Oxford comma. This is a multiple usage comma that is used to represent the final data in a series of information presentation such as:

The struggles between criminals and jurisprudence, chaos , and order...

Okay, now that we have the punctuations out of the way, you need to be called on the writing mistakes you made with this essay. For starters, you cannot write more than 275-300 words (ideally) since you only have 40 minutes to complete this task. Your opening paraphrase is the main reason why you overwrote in this essay. Rather than simply providing a prompt restatement, you create a whole backstory and flowery response to the simple question posted. Your paraphrase should have been as simple as:

With an over focus on illustrative information for acts of lawlessness, it is believed that the news media has become a negative force. As such, there are groups that believe limiting society's exposure to these type of news should be prevented. I fully disagree with this statement based on a few factors.

Your first paragraph did not approach the presentation the proper manner and caused a long winded approach to something that must always be straightforward in this type of presentation. Please remember that next time. Simply paraphrase, in a direct manner, and do it within 3-5 sentences. Your reasoning paragraphs are also not in line with the given topic for discussion and has altered the whole conversation in the process. Hence you created a prompt deviation which is definitely a scoring consideration concern.

Overall, this is not a well developed, nor properly discussed essay. It is a good effort in terms of a language and writing exercise, but it doesn't deliver the proper requirements when it comes to the overall Task 2 considerations.

Graduate / 25 interesting facts describing myself - Duke MQM [3]

Siren, This is very much a ready to use listing of fun facts about yourself. There are still some sections that I believe you can change though. I am suggesting that you do not include the statement about your mother's cancer scare because the information included is not fun, nor is it about you directly. You should separate the mention of Mendelssohn from the piano playing. You should include him as a separate fun fact with additional information about why he is one of the fun people you admire. Explain why your family was surprises to learn that your fave sport is basketball by indicating what the common family sport is. The part about Key West is not important in the section you mention it in. Again, presenting it as a better developed fun fact separately would work best. Make sure you do only one fun topic at a time in each number.

You don't sell-study, you self study. Explain why learning Kaggle and its application to house pricing predictions is important. Do not indicate wanting to become part of Duke's student government. The focus of the sentence is only the fun fact that you have been a student union participant for 3 years.

Review the essay listing again. Take note of mis-grouped facts and place them in appropriate sections. Lose the sectioning of fun facts in the final presentation for a smoother presentation.

Graduate / My inspiration to pursue a degree in information- personal statement [3]

Shrijesh, you need to develop your academic goals in relation to the university course offerings. Why are these particular courses of specific interest to you? How do these courses influence your professional goals? What do you hope to learn from these educators in relation to your academic interests and the learning opportunities offered by the university? The paragraph regarding the academic motivations in relation to your university choice is a bit weak. You can still develop that further using the guide questions I provided.

While the introduction your mother gave you to this particular field is of interest to the reviewer, her own story of education is of no importance to him as his only desire is to learn about the motivating factors during your undergraduate studies. You can remove your mother's participation in the presentation because of its non-essential quality to the discussion. The reviewer doesn't need to know what your family background was in relation to your desire to study in the U.S.

The last paragraph of the essay can remain intact, without editing because it is an acceptable closing statement. Although, you may need to enhance the last paragraph after you develop the earlier content of the essay. Everything needs to be balanced in terms of presentation and impact in the eyes of the reviewer.

Graduate / Computer Science and Learning - Statement of purpose for HCI [2]

Faiz, while your initial writing could use an overall development of information, that is not the only problem of the essay. You also lack a representation of your professional experience in the field. It is the discussion of the professional experience that should lead to the development of your purpose for a masters in HCI. I am not really reading any solid professional purpose for your interest in Human Computer Interface at this point. Your academic background can be further developed, but it also lacks in proper representation of your background in relation to your chosen masters course. You will need to build on that academic foundation before you can even begin to properly represent your professional interests and goals. Try to develop a clearer discussion for the purpose of your studies in relation to your professional goals within a 5 year time frame in order to create a more integrated SOP draft for further review and consideration.

Writing Feedback / Humans and Music - IELTS WRITING TASK 2 [3]

Tran, your presentation, though fulfilling the word requirement, does not meet the minimum paragraph presentation. That is why your discussion comes across as weak and under developed. You could have discussed this essay as a 5 paragraph direct question response essay based on the following format:

1. Prompt paraphrase
2. Expanded explanation for "Why do we need music?"
3. The writer's POV regarding the importance of traditional music
4. Reasoning paragraph pertaining to whether international music is more important than traditional music.
5. Concluding summary of the 3 reasoning paragraphs starting at paragraph 2.

You should also have given a clear response to the direct questions in your opening paraphrase. For example, I would have said:

Our airwaves are filled with the representation of international music. This is a notable development in the evolution of a culture and society because music represents the development of a global understanding of one another. That is why, even though the native melodies have an important role to play in music, world music also has its benefits for its listeners.

Please note how my opening paraphrase basically also set out the discussion points, per paragraph for the essay (as I would have written it). The reasoning paragraphs would have been composed of:

1. A discussion regarding the need for music
2. The importance of traditional music
3. How international music provides benefits to its listeners

These 3 discussion points would have created a highly developed discussion paragraph per topic and increased my overall chances at a higher score.

Undergraduate / Traveling and exploring the world - UBC University Undergraduate Prompt Response #1 [2]

Dan, you need to represent 3 different people in this discussion based on the prompt requirements. These people are (1) your parents, (2) your friends, (3) community members you deal with. Therefore, you should remove the reference to your siblings and pick only one of the 2 teachers to offer a description of you as their student. You have to represent your friend in the statement as well. These are the 3 people whose points of view the reviewer will use to assess your possible ability to integrate into the university community / setting. While your discussion approach is good, the represented descriptions are not proper so you just have to fix the description representation part of the essay. You have to present one specific reason why you feel that your international exposure is something that you are proud of. At the moment, you are separating that discussion into 2 parts. One at the start and one at the end of the essay. To keep the essay within the prompt presentation requirements, discuss your accomplishment as one solid presentation at the end of the essay.

Undergraduate / My cousin - write a paragraph about your idol's trait [2]

Giang, advise is different from advice. The action is spelled as "advise" , while advice means a suggestion for a beneficial course of action'. In this essay, you meant to use the term "advice". There is a subject - verb disagreement in the way that you use the term "buy". You mean to use that term as a current action so it should be in the present time presentation of "buys".

I am uncertain about what you mean to say by ". The characteristic of her I love to is cheerfulness". I believe you meant to say "... I love is her cheerfulness." Remember that when a word, such as "obvious" is used in a sentence, it is preceded by the indefinite article "an" not "a". There are other grammar issues in this essay that I can no longer mention at this point as I would end up having to rewrite your whole essay for you. Just know that you are showing promise as an English writer but you need to become more familiar with the English grammar rules so that your sentence structure and word usage will also be improved.

Writing Feedback / Imposing heavier punishments on dangerous drivers is the solely way to secure traffic [3]

Minh, as this is not a cause and solution essay, your response to the given prompt is incorrect. This is an agree or disagree, single personal opinion defense paper. Therefore, your prompt response should have been somewhat as follows:

Original Prompt: Do you agree or disagree?
Your Response: From my personal perspective, this solution associated with other measures should be adopted together to promote better driving habits.
Correct Response: I agree disagree that an improvement in road violation penalties is the only method to better road safety for a few reasons.

The reason that instruct my students to place their response at the opening paraphrase is simple. The question is being asked in the original prompt, which means the response should be a part of the prompt paraphrase. In this case, a simple reference to the disagreement with the statement at the start will also help the student outline the discussion for his upcoming paragraphs.

This is a single opinion essay and as such, should use 2-3 reasoning paragraphs to support your opinion. It is not a comparative opinion essay since you are not required to discuss both points of view. Unless otherwise specified, all Task 2 essays must be discussed from a single point of view. The concluding paragraph is always presented as a summary of the body of paragraphs and prompt statement. That is the main reason why you cannot present your response to the prompt question in the last paragraph. You need to close the paragraph, not continue the discussion. Remember, you cannot go over 5 paragraphs for the Task 2 presentation. When you do not summarize the last paragraph, you create an open ended essay, which will reflect badly on your TA score.

Writing Feedback / Disadvantages of travelling by air [4]

Quang, you spelled "even though" as one word when it should have been spelled as two words, separated by a space to indicate 2 words of connected meaning. You should have also used a comma because of the conjunction in the presentation of; "... minutes is not serious , but a long delay can force passengers..." Remember use a comma to connect 2 different topics of relevant discussion in a single sentence. There are also instances when you should have considered using verbs instead of nouns such as in the case of the following:

... before making a decision to travel....
- ... before DECIDING to travel...

... benefits but there are a number of disadvantages...
- ... but there are SEVERAL disadvantages...

Since you did not specify if this was supposed to be for an IELTS test or just an English writing exercise, I decided to review your work using US English. These are the corrections specific to that type of English language.

Graduate / Letter of Intent for Master of Business Administration [2]

Tuyen, your opening paragraph is weak. It does not really catch the attention of the reviewer. The reason it does impress the reviewer is because there is no real information presented in the paragraph and there no hook that tends to indicate an interesting series of paragraphs are to follow. My suggestion, is that you better develop the second paragraph presentation by giving a simple nod to your academic interests in relation to a summarized version of your bachelor degree information. Remember, you are writing a letter of intent, not a personal statement so the educational autobiography is not necessary. You may however, discuss that in detail within the statement of purpose, if required to do so.

Your passion for business and is clear and your professional goals are spelled out for the reviewer. However, your academic goals, which are part of the reason for your desire to have a higher academic profile, is missing from the presentation. Just as you are professionally motivated to study, you must also be academically interested in further developing a specific skill of yours in relation to your profession. Explain what that is to cover the academic side of your motivation.

Your description of Thompson River University is too vague. You obviously just got the information from the website and worked it into the essay. You need to do more research about the university. Be specific about the training possibilities and academic highlights of your masters course that further motivated you to choose the university. That way the reviewer knows that you chose their university as your first choice university.

The last paragraph is superfluous to the discussion and can be deleted without affecting the overall presentation of the essay. The changes I am suggesting should be more than enough to improve the content presentation.

Student Talk / McGill University - application essay to write? [3]

Karim, McGill is a government funded university in Canada. As such, you are not required to write an application essay unless you are looking for a scholarship sponsor. For Canadian universities, they rely mostly on the grades and national exam scores of the students for admission decisions. So there is no need for you to worry, there is no need for you to write any sort of essay for your application to McGill. Just provide the required transcript of records and other documentation as specified on the website. It is pretty much a direct acceptance process based on merit (grades). Now, if you are thinking of applying for a scholarship, then inquire as to what sort of essay or essays the scholarship program will require you to submit and prepare those instead. When it comes to university applications though, just follow the onscreen instructions and your application will be set for submission. Good luck!

Writing Feedback / Bringing up the mentally and physically healthy children had been a constant concern of families [3]

Ramin, this essay will get an automatic failing TA score because you changed the discussion requirements and method of information presentation. This is an extent essay which uses a measure of (dis)agreement with the given statement. You turned it into an opinion essay based on researched information. The error can clearly be seen in the following breakdown:

Original Prompt: to what extend do you agree with this statement?
Your Response: In the following article it will be discussed how both parents and schools have the impact on children healthy lifestyle and why the role of family is more important than school in this case.

As you can see, you totally changed the discussion instructions for the given topic. As such, you will be viewed as having failed to address the task requirements and therefore, you delivered the task requirements inaccurately. This will get you a TA score of 1. To add to that, your essay is not focused on discussing an unhealthy lifestyle but mental health instead. Now, while you may have justified the inclusion of this discussion in the original prompt statement, you were unable to properly respond to the prompt, which made your discussion slant irrelevant to the essay topic. Since you never properly quantified the measurement of your opinion, and what that opinion might be in relation to the given topic, the essay has failed to meet the required prompt information. While you made some sort of representation of this in the last paragraph, that is not the place to discuss your extent response as the concluding paragraph should only be a summary of the discussion. The response to the prompt is always given in the first paragraph to help the student represent a discussion outline in the essay.

You also do not follow the proper English writing rules regarding capitalization as there are instances when you use a lower case letter to start a sentence (after the period). Every first letter of a new sentence is always capitalized.

Undergraduate / Tenacity, humility, and responsibility - Colgate - three words describe you. [2]

Steven, you are putting words into your friend's mouth. Do not speak for your friend. Allow your friend to speak for himself. The words used to describe you have nothing to do with "adamantly" believing how your friend will describe you. This is a statement that has to be written from the second person point of view, or even third person point of view. Besides, why are you adamant about something that you cannot be sure of? Are you absolutely sure your friends would describe you using those 3 words?

Remember, the essay is trying to help you present the type of friend and community member you will be to the reviewer. This is all about how you get along with people. Not your perception of your best character traits. Tenacity, humility, and responsibility are all words YOU use to describe yourself. Those are not the words that describe you as a friend or community member who knows how to work with other people and get along with them. This is about figuring out if your character, in relation to social settings, will be something that can blend well with the existing community, or help to improve the student community experience of the other students who will come into contact with you.

The best way to write this essay is to have a friend actually write about you. Give the friend a copy of the prompt statement. Ask him to give 3 words to describe you and why he chose those words. Then, write is from a second person point of view. That way you appropriately describe yourself to the reviewer, without influencing the essay comments as you do in this version. That is how this response statement should be framed.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2: NOT HAVING CHILDREN AT A YOUNG AGE [3]

Ta, due to the fact that you did not understand the discussion prompt and you changed the discussion format for the essay, you will automatically receive a failing TA score. The TA score requires you to show a clear understanding of the discussion requirements by showing that you properly responded to the prompt question or represented the prompt discussion requirements. You failed to accomplish this task because the original discussion question was:

Do advantages of this outweigh disadvantages? Why?

and your response was:

This essay will present some underlying reasons of this modern choice.

While your discussion topic representation is correct, the discussion response was so off the mark, I had no choice to give this essay a failing score for the TA section. Now, as you can see from the review given to you above for your actual essay writing, you have several other mistakes related to other scoring considerations that would definitely grant you a low to failing score in some instances. Therefore, this sort of essay writing will not find itself getting anywhere near a passing score had this been an actual test. You would have failed due to overall scoring considerations, but mostly because of the TA section failure on your part.

Before you continue to write practice tests, read the various Task 2 sample essays at this site first. Learn from those presentations. Discover the right and wrong way to respond to specific prompt instructions. That is the only way you can pass the test. Familiarize yourself before you write any more practice tests.

Undergraduate / Potential to be a leader- CASE WESTERN PROMPT [4]

You are not directing a response to the prompt at all. You are being asked to envision yourself as a future leader. As a future leader who will bring changes to the world. So the proper approach to this essay would be to acknowledge that you have specific leadership abilities which have influenced your belief that you can make changes to the world in the future. Nobody cares about the competition and the team members supporting your being assigned as a leader. Not unless that experience opened your eyes to not only your leadership abilities, but also to the problems of the world and a specific problem that you believe you can help to resolve in the future. Then discuss how you see yourself solving the problem using a group based solution. That is the best way to approach this essay. That discussion method will allow you to portray your concerns and highlight your leadership skills in the process of developing the solution to the situation.

Undergraduate / Impact of people on social media [3]

Sunny, the topic for the essay has come too late in the presentation. You have spent too much time discussing the backstory and almost no time discussing the actual topic. You should reverse the presentation. Kick it off by setting up the opinion of the adults regarding cyber bullying and social media then discuss your experience regarding these two topics. Although, instead of explaining your experience and wasting time with your 2 different experiences, explain why the world of social media, as it relates to cyber bullying is an interesting and fascinating topic for you to explore instead. Right now, the essay is more focused on creating the backstory than actually discussing the prompt requirement. A few presentation adjustments should fix that problem immediately. Remember, you don't need to build the backstory. You have to build your interest in the topic instead. Don't digress from the actual prompt requirements as you did in this essay. By the way, you need to come up with a more imaginative and relevant title for your essay. The current one doesn't really say anything about the discussion that is taking place in the essay nor the topic of the essay itself. The title should be a contained summarized discussion presentation to be more effective.

Scholarship / Personal Statement for Erasmus : GLOCAL Programme Global History and Creative Cities Pathway [5]

Fulvia, this is a much better developed essay that covers all the major concerns of the prompt except, you seem to have missed out on providing your masters thesis statement or study plan. That is a requirement of the prompt which, after several readings of your essay, I could not find in the discussion paragraphs. The reviewer needs to see your study plan to prove to himself that you have an academic focus that has a reality based application. It helps him consider whether you are serious about your plans to succeed in this course or not. Therefore, you should develop a thesis that can address this need.

I believe that you can work in your master thesis into the presentation of the card game. There should be some aspect of the game that can help you promote and/or indirectly influence the mindset of the public towards real-time participation in the development of the country. Or something like that. You know what I mean. You need to show a thesis statement that relates your previous academic background with your current professional accomplishments in order to produce an intensive research paper that will not only build both your academic and professional skills, but also contribute to the improvement of your field of work. Do not confuse the thesis with your future career goals and plans. That is a different discussion.

Another possible topic could be the empowerment of local government and local people towards resource optimization. Explain how you will use the facilities offered by GLOCAL to develop a paper that can be applied both locally and internationally for this purpose.

Undergraduate / "What Political Party are You?" -Georgetown question too open-ended and common app doesn't fit [2]

Wow! I have never read such a sincere, heartfelt, and educational personal essay such as this ever at this forum. Good job Rachel! You have successfully educated the reader regarding several key points in this essay, all of which helped to deliver a better understanding of not only your personality, but your background as well. The key points you delivered which helped in explaining your political and religious beliefs are:

1. The idea that one can be both Jewish and Liberal. Yes, you have proven that there is a possibility for compromise in your essay.
2. A simple explanation of what your religion means to you and how it is applied to your life and political considerations.
3. The realization that you are still evolving as a person, learning more about your religion, and finding the middle ground where all of these opposing points of view just might find a unique home in your personality and character traits.

You have written a well rounded essay that you should be proud to submit with your application. I am sure the reviewer will finish reading your essay and find himself informed about you, Judaism, and liberal ideologies in more ways than one.

Undergraduate / University of Waterloo-AIF-Response for choosing to study CS or CE programs. [2]

Nahin, since you are not being asked about who influenced your desire to enter the field of CS or CE, the story about how your family played a hand in your course choice is irrelevant. That narration does not give an answer regarding your educational goals or your interest in the chosen program. Your interest in the chosen program needs to coincide with your academic goals because, if you are not academically inclined to study either course, and you were only influenced by your family, then the reviewer will view that statement as you having a greater tendency to not complete the course. Therefore, your academic goals need to align itself with your personal interests in the courses as opposed to merely being influence by your family.

The Co-Op program is always the strongest influence that students have for choosing Waterloo and yet, every student I have read as an applicant so far has failed to provide solid reasons as to why a student would be attracted to the university. Your essay suffers from the same problem. Don't mention the program alone. Explain how your interest in the course(s) was further developed by the opportunity to study via this program. Based on your academic interests, how will the Co-Op program further heighten your academic interests regarding the program?

For the work program for international students, you need to be clear about how you hope to participate in the program. Indicate a desire to work in a line related to your major(s) so as to continue your education while you earn income to help support your additional student fees during the semester. Don't be general in reference. Having a direction for all your intentions can only help your essay as the reviewer will see the seriousness of your application and a solid academic plan to back up your claims.

Graduate / Graduate Application Statement of Purpose Essay for Interaction Design Program [2]

I have reviewed your essay and come to the conclusion that you are not delivering the required prompt requirements. The question asks you to explain your current interest in Interaction Design. It is not asking for your educational background, nor the influence of your parents on your career decisions. This is not a personal statement but a statement of purpose. Therefore, the discussion should address the following information:

1. Your college background in relation to your interest in Interaction Design. Mention your college academic accomplishments whenever possible.
2. College thesis project and its relation to your increased interest in this field.
3. Professional experience in relation to developing your skills as an Interactive Designer.
4. Your perception of your professional weak points that could have drawn you to further develop your skills in this field.
5. How you hope to improve and contribute to the future of Interaction Design based on this program.

Your response to the hopes and dreams prompt is yet another example of your ability to misinterpret the prompt requirements. You are being asked to visualize the kind of development and improvements that you hope to contribute for the betterment of your profession. How do you see Interaction Design becoming a pivotal field for advertising, social media, or virtual reality in the future? How do you think that this can be achieved? Your idea as to how you can contribute to the future of Interaction Design will be response to the "hopes and dreams" part of the question. The future leader part, will all depend upon how you see yourself as a professional within 5 years after completing the program. Where will you be as a professional by then? If you see yourself as a business owner, what sort of service do you hope to offer that will set your company apart of the others, thus establishing you as a leader in this field?

I have offered you guidelines for both prompts that, if you manage to follow to the letter, will help you develop a more responsive statement for your application.

Writing Feedback / Physics - CBEST Writing - describe one class which you faced difficulty [2]

Zhu, the best accomplishment that you have with this piece of essay writing is that you were able to prove that your English skills have reached the point where you can properly understand the instructions being given to you in a test. Your essay has remained on topic throughout and you have shown a connected discussion going from one paragraph to another. You have done excellent work in regards to those presentation requirements. Now for the bad news.

Unfortunately, your English writing skills and vocabulary is not at the same level as your English comprehension skills. Since this is an essay test that focuses on your English writing abilities, you are expected to write clearly and coherently. That is why I am sad to tell you that I do not believe that you can get a score higher than 2 for this essay. The main reason that I believe your work is only at this level of scoring consideration is based on your writing skills and paragraph presentation.

Your word choice and usage is not always correct. You are using broken English throughout the presentation, without making an effort to try and create a properly structured sentence using proper vocabulary. Your sentence structures are all choppy and do not show any sign of you approaching at least an intermediate English user skill. Your paragraphing and sentence structure errors are so distracting, the reader tends to give up in trying to figure out what you are trying to say. There is a lack of clarity in your presentations due to your inability to properly format a simple sentence in English. You are trying to write complex sentences when you are not yet capable of doing so. Keep your presentations simple.

Try to work in some English sentence structure exercise time into your study period. Don't focus on the essay writing test at this point. You will not be able to pass that part of the test if your writing skills are this mediocre. Develop your sentence structure skills first, increase your vocabulary knowledge second, then do the essay writing test third or last. Only then will you be able to develop an essay that can properly inform the target audience.

Undergraduate / Essay for Common App: Technology-What I think [3]

Aleena, this sounds like an IELTS Task 2 essay prompt response rather than an open topic essay. The open topic essay was created to help the student introduce an aspect of your personality, family background, extenuating circumstances, or any aspect of personal insight that can help the reviewer better assess and consider your ability to be a student at the university. It is supposed to help you prove that you are a "fit", for want of a better word, with the university in terms of your academic goals, student community interaction, personal development interests, and other aspects that can help you prepare for a solid adult and professional life.

The essay that you wrote, though insightful, doesn't really address the purpose of the open topic prompt. While this essay works, it only works as an opinion essay for a given prompt statement. It does not sound and does not reflect as an open topic prompt based on the expected information for the open topic essay. It introduces an insight that you have regarding technology, but it doesn't add any personal information that can help with the application assessment process.

I can only guess that you are some sort of computer or technology major, which is why you decided to write this opinion paper. However, this is not an open topic essay subject. With some adjustments to the content presentation, the more appropriate prompt for this sort of opinion paper writing is:

Describe a time when you challenged a belief or an idea...

If you compare your line of reasoning in this current essay against the required discussion of that prompt, you will find that what you wrote "fits" better with this prompt.

Undergraduate / UBC Personal Profile questions. Who are you? A persistent and meticulous person. [2]

Harry, this essay will have a stronger opening if you immediately start with "My parents often refer to me as a bulldog..." Rather than the tired and often irritating "Since I was a child..." as reviewers tend to really dislike such over reaching statements. The statement that you used as the description coming from your parents is sheer perfection. Now, if only you could have supported it with a more concrete example of why they would call you that instead of the explanation that you offered. It would make for a more animated response. The same goes for the collective statement from your friends and community members. Examples always better highlight the explanation instead of a dry explanation of the meaning.

Now. I am not sure of the example you are using is the thing that you are most proud of because use the term "embarrassingly" in the presentation. So, maybe just remove that reference so that the narration will be firm on the "proud" side of the prompt? Yeah, that should work just fine. Between the suggested example improvements and a revised "proud of" paragraph, this essay should suit your needs just fine.

Undergraduate / Common App Prompt 3: From the Bonds We Share Until Further Notice [3]

Dylan, the first thing that will happen when he reads this essay is that he will get irritated by the exaggeration that you opened the essay with. Never open your essay with "As a child..." because the reviewer will be in disbelief. A child has no capacity for the type of mindset and thinking that you are portraying in this essay. The best way to open this essay would be to instead, reflect on the time when you came to question the friendship that you had and how you came to question the friendship because of her comment. You may also want to skip the reference to Google for the meaning of friendship. Instead, you should pose a challenge to the belief of your friend. Defend that you believed that friendship was based on trust because of some personal reasons. Then show how you compared the two beliefs and how your new understanding of friendship evolved from it. Only then will this essay be more reflective of the prompt requirements.

Undergraduate / Graphic Design as an extracurricular activity - ALA essay. [2]

You have not understood the prompt requirement. The essay is not asking you for several activities nor a competition that you have participated in. It is asking you for an activity that highlights a character or personality of yours. Your activity needs to be a singular activity that has created an impression upon you. This is usually a community service related activity. Sometimes, it is also represented by a particular hobby that you excel at which has brought honor to you. The problem, is that this activity that you chose is not impressive enough because you did not win.

Only winning activities in a real competition can show an actual importance and impress the reviewer. You were only mentioned as a participant. There is a big difference between the two. This was not even an actual competition of note. It was only an FB participatory activity. Therefore, it is not impressive because the others who would use a similar topic would be using actual competitions where they placed in a real winners circle. You did not win this competition because it was not an actual competition.

Frankly, I would rather you use the fact that you work as at Freelancer and UpWork. That shows a more interesting aspect of your personality and depicts a drive to succeed. That would be a more impressive use of your Adobe software talent than the participatory program in FB.

Graduate / Data Mining - KGSP for Graduate Studies [2]

Kristian, you have not created an appropriate goal of study and study plan for this essay. The approach that has to be taken in representing the requirements are the same as that of your college thesis. You need to think in terms of the following:

1.Thesis statement
2. Abstract
3.Methodology / Scope of research
4. Expected outcome

The goal of study will be the subject of your master thesis. The methodology should explain how you plan to complete the research in reference to possible internship requirements, access to company related information, and other research and metrics concerns. This needs to be a project proposal, not an explanation of what you hope to learn and how. You can review the previous KGSP Goal of study and Study plan essays available at this forum to help guide your writing towards the more appropriate format.

Writing Feedback / DIVERSITY CAN BENEFIT ORGANIZATIONS IN MANY WAYS [2]

Minh, your essay requires more than simple grammar editing. The content is also poor and lacking in substance. Aside from your presentation of topic sentences and examples, you do not really build up a believable supporting reason for your topic sentences. Even though this is not an IELTS test, the guidelines remain the same because you are still writing an academic essay and thus, needs to be properly supported as an opinion or research paper. As with any academic paper, it is always better if you open each paragraph with a topic sentence rather than a word count method.

There is no need to count out your paragraphs because it does not help to move the essay forward. It is nothing but a word filler meant to help you meet whatever the word count is for this academic essay. The use of topic sentences to open any paragraph clearly shows a command of the topic and a confidence in your writing skills. The confidence in your writing skills are not clearly seen in this essay either as your paragraphs are too short to portray any real discussion knowledge on your part. Longer paragraphs with properly explained topic sentences could have helped to elevate the writing level of your work.

Writing Feedback / Air pollution and emission - Writing- Ielts- task 1- line graph [4]

Le, I can understand that with only 20 minutes to write this essay, you would be rushed in presenting all of the required information. With that said, it is still of the utmost importance that you properly identify that sort of image was presented for review in the summary overview. You must identify the type of illustration and also indicate the discussion points, based on the items provided in the graph to fulfill the TA requirements properly. You only have a partially representative summary overview at this point which will lower your scoring consideration in the TA aspect.

Do not use words such as "Besides" in this essay as the word connotes information that is not important but has to presented anyway. All of the information in the graph is important and should be noted. Therefore, a straightforward presentation of the information would be best, without room for question regarding the relevance of the information presented.

Writing Feedback / Products price fluctuation - fresh fruits and vegetables, sugars and sweets, and carbonated drinks [5]

Nguyen, you have to complete your prompt overview when presenting your report otherwise your TA score will be low. The prompt overview basically outlines the type of information presentation and the chronological order of the assessment you will be presenting. That is why all the information for discussion has to be presented beforehand. Your prompt overview only indicated the type of graph, a reference to the three different food groups, and the trend of the measurement. What you neglected to present, to complete the paragraph are:

1. An enumeration of the graph color guide details
2. Source of the information as indicated at the bottom of the chart
3. A clear trending statement. That is one sentence, not 2 sentences.

When you claim that there is a similar upward trend, you need to cite the information that will prove this statement. Remember, you are writing an analytical report. Without evidence, your statement becomes questionable. All of your information must be supported by data from the image.

Undergraduate / Why USC? Supplement - Environmental Science Major/ Economics Minor [2]

Jordan, the way that you will pursue your academic interests at USC should help to establish the platform for your future professional aspirations. Now, while the story about the success of Elon Musk is notable, the explanation is not necessary in this essay. Rather, you should be explaining what your future professional goal is. What change do you want to create as a conscientious business leader? Indicate the kind of business person you hope to become then tie characteristics into the Environmental Studies Program field experience. The "how" of your development into the type of leader you want to be needs to be supported by the programs the university offers. Follow through with the practical experience that you will have in the Bahamas and merge the two experiences to describe a unique way of pursuing your academic interests at the university.

The courses will already explain the problems to you and offer solutions that you can consider for your professional development. There is no need to mention the obvious in this essay. The classwork is not even a major consideration here because the main focus is how you should be able to constantly develop yourself academically, far beyond the classroom and coursework framework. While this essay makes sense, it is a "safe" response to the answer. Try to develop further into the professional aspect of your academic pursuits.

Writing Feedback / Punishing murderers with death penalty vs life in prison - IELTS Task 2 [4]

Annatha, you are using a template response for this essay. I have seen you use this format for responding to other essay questions in this forum. Unfortunately, the template response would cause you to fail this test because of your failure to accomplish the Task Accuracy requirements of the essay. The discussion question is given in the prompt, so are the possible responses, along with the response presentation requirement. You failed to present any of these aspects properly.

Original Prompt: To what extent do yo agree or disagree with this statement?
Your Response: Personally, I support the idea that the killers must spend their life in prison, however, I would also argue that death penalty is the best punishment for the killers.

Proper Response: I partially support the idea life in prison is the best punishment for murderers due to a couple of factors.

The missing aspect in your response was a proper consideration of the prompt topic and the method of discussion. Where is the "extent" of your support for the statement? The "extent" is the measurement of your agreement or disagreement with the given discussion topic. While your reasoning paragraphs support your POV, it is not aligned with the required POV of the original prompt. Therefore, points will be deducted for this mistake. Along with other scoring bracket mistakes, it will be difficult for you to get close to or even a passing score at this point.

Do not use template responses. Learn what the Task 2 questions are, how it is presented, and how you should respond to it in the prompt paraphrase. The Task 2 essay cannot use cookie cutter or a template for your response. That is the surefire way to fail the test.

Undergraduate / Literature and Foreign Languages - Autobiography to apply to university [2]

Brenna, while the term that you chose to describe yourself is impressive because it is not an English word, I do not think that you are familiar enough with the meaning to want to use it to describe your character. The word refers to "an impractical contemplative person having no definite business or income". Being a contemplative person is fine, but being of an impractical character will not impress the reviewer. Please consider using a different word to describe yourself. Don't try to impress the reviewer with your vocabulary, just be simple and direct to the point. You are not really describing your character here nor as you really referring to hobbies that you do for fun.

When you describe your character, try to describe your character from an insightful angle. What do you think your strongest and weakest character points are? Discuss those two aspects to show a balanced representation of the type of student community member you might be. As for your hobbies, try to find some hobby that you might be able to share as an interest with other residents of the campus. That way you will have something in common with the others and show the reviewer that you might be able to immerse yourself successfully with the campus community and its other members.

By the way, change the Chinese characters to the English alphabet. The reviewer's keyboard will not be set to translate Chinese characters so you will leave him wondering about what those characters mean in English and how it applies to your essay.

Writing Feedback / Finding safe replacement powers which have less side-effects on environment are vital in the world. [4]

Mosi,. this essay will automatically get a failing TA score because you changed the prompt discussion requirements. You have not structured the essay to respond to the given question which is:

Original Prompt: To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer.
Your Response: Finding safe replacement powers which have less side-effects on environment are vital in the world. I will explain it in details in the following paragraphs.

Based on this major error, it is clear that you did not understand the question being asked, which is why you did not respond to the question properly. Hence, the essay will automatically get a failing TA score, which is a significant part of the scoring consideration. That is why a test taker who fails the TA section will automatically find that his essay will get a failing score.

TA MIstake + Other errors = Non-Passing Score

Due to this, I cannot even continue to review your essay for other errors, nor correct them. You did not follow the discussion prompt, this essay will not pass. You should have paraphrased and responded to the question in a manner similar to this:

It is said that humans need to find a safe alternative to non-renewal fuel sources. That is why there is a keen desire to find and harness these other sources of energy across the world. I am in total agreement that other sources of fuel and energy need to be discovered and enhanced worldwide for several reasons.