Writing Feedback / The map illustrates the development of Stokeford village over 80 years. IELTS TASK I [2]

Hi..., you need to include the picture. It takes time to follow what you are trying to say with no pic attached.
The map illustrates the development of Stokeford village over 80 years. Listen, a good paragraph has at least three sentences.
For the following essay, we suggest you to follow this;
1. Introduction (one or two sentences that introduce the graphs briefly. I prefer writing it with a passive form as to show a formal tone)
2. Overview (briefly talk about the most obvious trends)
3. Details (talk about trends in details with the support of data or statistics)

Writing Feedback / Social Life in Apartment Buildings - IELTS Writing Task 2 [6]


This is good. However, you need to show that you have very strong argument(s). To do so, presenting an outline prior to ending the intro is a worthwhile idea. But nevertheless, some students failed to present such a way. Let me give a try for the intro ;

Living in residential tower is arguable. Despite of some opinions ...
People have different preferences where to live. It is believed that living in a tall apartment block offers lonesome experience. This seems to be true but nevertheless, others argue that people living such a place are more likely to build close-knit community compared to ones who are in residential houses. Therefore, I would argue that apartment blocks offers more comfortable ambiance

Writing Feedback / IELTS-TASK1 : Revenue Sources and Expenditures of a USA Charity in One Year. [3]


I suggest constructing your introductory paragraph with a formal tone. To tackle this issue, you need a passive form. by doing so, the intro looks more appealing. I am completely confidence to tell you such a way.

A breakdown of the proportion of revenue sources and amount of money spent in a charity event in the USA over 12-month period is presented in the two pie charts. As seen, there is a slight gap between the amount of revenue and expenditures in total charity. In any case, the proportion of donated food breaks a record as the majority of the income, while the conserve would be noted in program services.

Writing Feedback / A breakdown regarding the Attendance of student in four Senior High School between 2000 and 2009 [4]

A breakdown regardingOF the Attendance of student in four Senior High SchoolS between 2000 and 2009 is served byshown in a table. Overall, it is noticeable that there were a significant alteration throughout of the schools. However Community Schools became interesting one to discuss because the trend witnessed slightly increase since 2000.did seem to be remarkable range of record attendance in different schools. As seen, the proportion of the students enrolling Voluntary-Controlled Schools showed by far the most impressive start, but then decreased dramatically.This was in stark contrast to the figure for Community Schools over the period in question.

Noted, introduction plays an important role in IELTS writings. For this reason, I suggest learning more how to write an appropriate one. This can be done by reading sample answer as many as you can.

Writing Feedback / Silkworms experience their life in five stages and spend about 10 weeks from eggs to become moths [3]


This is good. Yet, the sentences presented are too short. You need at least three sentences in a paragraph.
A life cycle of a silkworm is broken down into four stages. Having started in eggs, such life cycle ends with cocoon and continues to grow into an adult moth over the following days. This diagram demonstrates the most advanced form of metamorphosis .

Writing Feedback / I consider it as a natural behaviour that the human beings rely more often nowadays on one another [3]

As human being reliance too much on others ...
... is the great way to enrich the quality of life.
This is good. Yet, it seems that you are trying to use BIG words, which interrupt the flaws.
Human beings' reliance too much on others is natural behaviour. This idea is true when it comes to the bygone era. Past life led people to be more dependent, since they lived in strong close-knit community, while I believed that the converse would be appear to be true for today's life due to the frantic pace.

Writing Feedback / Televised Talent Shows Have Become Popular In Many Societies. [3]

The greatest path to [...]
... satisfaction like moral support.
As I read, this is very good attempt. Yet, the paragraphs contains lots of BIG words and uncommon English expression. And as a result, some sentences interrupt the flow. I suggest rewriting this with a simple way. A closer look at my sample;

Today's TV programs focus too much on talent shows. As such, the proliferation of people watching the shows has grown in widespread popularity. It is believed that the best way to make people famous is to conduct such shows, while others argue that it is no more than just an entertainment program. Therefore, I would agree that the main objective of the shows is to entertain the viewers.

All in all, I think program [...]
... audience to be more active.
Since I have some changes in the opening paragraph, it is necessary to show you how to keep your conclusion succinctly and to the point. Here is my sample:

In conclusion, although the benefit of TV programs, particularly talent shows, helps people become famous, some still feel that such shows merely offer popular entertainment programs. However, as long as people keep in mind the main purpose of such shows, there do seem to be that we all are not being addicted.

Writing Feedback / The wind turbine design and the proper position to locate it in order to generate more energy [3]


The diagrams illustrate how a wind turbine is designed and where this lies. As seen, there seems complicated equipment needed, while some steps should be taken into account. In any case, some appropriate places are proposed so as to gain to generate more energy from the wind.

Firstly, a wind turbine consist of a high steel tower ...
A wind turbine is equipped with a high steel tower and installed scraps. This consist of fiberglassed or wooden blades.

Writing Feedback / Companies should allocate a certain percentage of job positions to women. Do you agree? [3]

Hi..., this essay is good. Yet, the introduction stated is too long. Your task is only simply restate the prompt given. Then, you need to present your claim, which should be debatable. By doing so, I believe that your opening paragraph looks more appealing.

As many students do, when it comes to the body paragraphs, the task is to introduce your claim by stating a good sentence for the topic. Here, you merely need to express your topic with the simple sentence structure. Then this is followed by an example. I did not see you write any detailed example in these bodies. This is the biggest mistake that could deduct your score. You can start asking journalistic questions: 5W + 1H. This formula leads you to have better example.

Last but not least, prior to closing your essay, you have to write a very powerful concluding paragraph. A concluding paragraph consists of a signal paragraph, like 'to sum up', all in all', 'in conclusion', etc. Afterwards, restating your point of view taken from the thesis statement is a must. Which means that you try to recall the information to the readers. Finally, it is always good to leave your personal thought in the end of the sentences. There are many ways to do that. One of them is your render suggestion. By doing so, your conclusion shuns being repetitive.

Good luck, mate.

Writing Feedback / Many people use distance learning programs to study at home [3]

It is always good to include your prompt, so this can be our guideline.

The influx of cutting-edge technology helps student conduct long-distance learning. Hence, it is argued that students with online-learning activities tend to gain more insights rather than those who prefer taking traditional classroom. However, the latter study method bring more benefits, such as better human interaction and immediate support.

Writing Feedback / Money is a measure of success- Agree or disagree? [4]


Well, I think you need to rewrite this intro, since I did not see any overall improvement on the way you present this. It is always good to develop your intro into:

1. Background information
2. Thesis statement
3. Outline

Money could change people's lives. As such, it is argued that a successful person can be measured by how much they could earn.While this idea is more acceptable, it is claimed that other factors should be taken into account.This essay will discuss how luck and hard work bring people a change of success

Writing Feedback / 【TOEFL】Do students learn more effectively in team work? [5]

This paragraph is good. You need a slight improvement on the way you arrange the sentence. Here is my try;
When it comes to working in a team, students are more likely to have more opportunities to learn a school subject in details. This chance leads them to have better understanding of the subject. According to psychology research, the scientists discovered that the students who worked in a group had better learning effect due to the collaboration and the discussion between team members. If a student is too shy to ask questions during the class, then she can discuss the subject with their team members of what she is confused, and this has meant that she with her peers has conducted effective learning. As a result, the opportunities to gain comprehension of the size of the subject are fully open rather than those who study alone.

Writing Feedback / 【TOEFL】Do students learn more effectively in team work? [5]


It is always good to mention what the outlines are. This helps readers follow the logical order from the intro to the body paragraphs. Let me give a try for your intro;

Working in a team broadly educates people. As such, some people argue that students are better to work together so as that they could lean with peers. While some say that this tends to lead drawbacks to students, it is argued that team work helps students gain more valuable insights, such as communication skill improvement, sharing information and work responsibility.

- The body paragraph 2 is too weak. I did not see any overall progression, since you use too many "somethings" which are a vague phrase. Try to define clearly what you want to argue there. by doing so, your paragraph looks more appealing :D

Good luck for the exam

Writing Feedback / Tim Berners-Lee launched "WordWideWeb". The Powerful tool. [3]

The greatest discovery over the last 30 years was started [...]
[...] influential invention for human beings until present.

The Internet is probably the most significant invention of the last 30 years. Without it, our lives would be completely different.
To what extent do you agree or disagree ! Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Introduction:
The Internet has shaped the world. As the number of users grows over decades, the Internet has affected the way people behave and think.Yet, it is claimed that the influx of the Internet also brings adverse effects on face-to-face communication.

Conclusion:
The aforementioned evidence shows that over the past 30 years, internet revival has brought positive impacts on everyday life.However, it is claimed that people were more socially aware of taking direct communication in the era of pre-Internet . Where possible, people should use the Internet more safely.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: The vehicles are favored by workers in Houston, Texas [3]


Good. Yet, this needs a slight improvement on the use of formal tone.
A breakdown of the proportion of commuters in average ages using different modes of transport in Houston, Texas is presented in the table, while the bar chart shows total CO2 emissions of different travellers generated. As seen, the car records by far the most popular form of transport. In any case, this transport produces the most pollution if compared to all figures

Writing Feedback / Gain a better experience by traveling to another country - IELTS Task 2 [2]


A closer look at how I develop my introductory paragraph.

TV and films as the best entertainment unlock the world. ( this is very good try to attract readers' attention. Remember, write a short sentence)
Such entertainment introduces people insights about today's world from their own home without having to venture out at all.
While I agree with this statement, since I could learn about different culture, people and places,
It is argued that short excursion brings a sense of adventure.

TV and films as the best entertainment unlock the world. Such entertainment introduces people insights about today's world from their own home without having to venture out at all. While I agree with this statement, since I could learn about different culture, people and places, It is argued that short excursion brings a sense of adventure.


- Try to write no more than 10 phrases in the first sentence. By doing so, your opening statement looks more appealing.


It is always good to present your essay with more formal tone. What I mean here is to shun writing personal pronoun "you"

Writing Feedback / Shopping's responses of society in the capital city of Auckland [4]

Some changes in para 1
- The table compares how shoppers classified by genders render their values to both shops and restaurants, while the pie chart shows the proportion of people's values by design.

- In any case, the highest percentage of both males and females feeling satisfied was noted in design sector

Some changes in para 2


- The percentage of males who feel very satisfied in shops is at around 17 %, compared with the figure for females showing twice as much as that of males. This proportion has no differences in the number of females and males giving no comments.

- A gap between males and females being satisfied narrows down, while there seem to be 20% of females and males being dissatisfied.

Writing Feedback / What is the life in a media-rich society? [3]

Some changes in para 1
- It is firmly ARGUED that media reliance affects daily basis.
- The influx of media...
- How media are more likely to be over-exposes and cause adverse publicity

Some changes in para 2
- Media play an immense role. Media has capability to raise people concerned about being famous.
- Donald Trump, one of the US president candidates, become famous
- media immediately drive people's mindset.
- information content being published.

Some changes in para 3
- serious impacts ON
- media broadcast unwelcome news
- Regarding the proprieties of broadcasted news
- Group with One another
- Also, the expenditure of media published is extremely costly

Some changes in para 4
- (where possible,) people should be smart enough to avoid being provoked by media published.

Writing Feedback / The problem is whether the printed media will disappear because of the e-books? [4]

Some changes in para 1:
- It is undoubtedly that the influx of modern technology like e-books is getting more popular currently.
- As such, most people argue that the presence of e-books are more likely to replace the printed media, such books, newspapers and magazines.

Some changes in para 2:
- efficiency in providing information storage
- moved to release news with these typeS of media

Some changes in para 3:
- online media like e-books achieve great progress and are still available
- There seem to be several factors why this occurs.
- It is one of media which are extremely accessible. As seen, there are now a few low cost smartphones that offer much help to people accessing ebooks

- incident occurring in the world
- Also, these media are bound to be free access, or downloadable, compared with the printed ones which people need to purchase.

Some changes in para 4:
- ... can fade away and will become dispensable in...
- I strongly believe that online media will be commonly acceptable, while the it is forecast to disappear...

Writing Feedback / Using an automatic photo booth [3]

Some changes para 1:
The picture shows how an automatic photo booth works. Overall, there are two indoor and outdoor sides used in this session. In any case, the photo is produced in either 1 large format or 4 passport-sized images.

Some changes para 2:
- an adjustable chair which people can sit...
- This side is completed with a mirror hovering at and eye level. People who want to use it should see and focus on eye level.

- After three seconds (A COMMA) the light single directly will appear. Before photos are taken, it is necessary to close the curtain in order to obtain good quality photographs.

Some changes para 3:
- this photo box is only available for certain format...
- a square hole where the image result is printed
- This process usually takes

Writing Feedback / Have a great job is the only key to get happiness. Do you agree? - Writing IELTS Task 2 [2]


Everyone defines happiness differently. For some others, doing what they love can be a hub to achieve truly happiness. Yet, it is argued that people should embrace organizational culture and healthy relationship with colleagues as the surest way to happiness.

What makes your essay different than others is the way you express your views. Hence, I strongly suggest presenting an example. The example can be taken from your own personal experience or others. Also, a good example can be good supporting sentences which express your opinion in details. A closer look at your body 2 and 3 shows no clear examples at all to justify what you say in topic sentences.

Writing Feedback / With the invention of the internet, mankind have been benefited in many aspects of their lives [4]

- Some changes in para 1:
Today's life relies too much on the internet. It is argued that the world economy has grown more rapidly after the influx of the internet. While it is true to some extent, this ever-growing technology electronically introduces massive fraud.

- Some changes in para 2:


It is argued that the revival of the Internet has changed the way people communicate. This is because the Internet allows different people from different remote areas to connect with one another. There are now a few low cost telephone calls around the world, namely SKYPE and LINE, that offer very affordable balance .

Writing Feedback / Living in the same place for the rest of your life VS move around. What do you prefer?- IELTS task 2 [2]


Everybody tends to live in a comfortable place. As such, some people were keen on living in one place where they were born. Since the way of life has changed, I would argue that the demands of a better life are the reasons why there seems to be a human migration.

- In my opinion, the benefit of living in one place was people should not start to build relationship with the new society. This sentence intterupts the flow of the sentence, since it is too complicated. Here is the sample;

It is believed that community living where people knew each other is the reason why people were more likely to stay in the same place

Writing Feedback / Which one is more important, impressive buildings or public facilities? [5]


- This essay partially answers the question, since you did not express your OWN opinion. You need to introduce your opinion in the opening or closing paragraph. This is the best way to achieve Task response in writing descriptor.

- Quickly google "thesis-led approach" and "argument-led approach"

- Let me help you write the first body paragraph.
It is argued that high-rise buildings bring positive impacts on the development of a city. This is because Skyscrapers are bound to be tourism attractions. This is illustrated by the fact that in Dubai where The Burj Khalifa stands at virtually 828.m this could attract tourists the world over. As seen, through a concerted effort to build the tallest building as a major commercial hub, Dubai has become one of the fastest growing economies in the world. From this, the more high-rise buildings a city has, the more benefits the city gains.

Writing Feedback / Respect the environment by travelling with responsible manner - IELTS : Writing Task 2 [4]

The opening paragraph has failed in presenting background information and thesis statement, since some ideas go somewhere and are too bulky. let me helo you fot the intro;


Tourism brings adverse effects. It is believed that human-induced-global warming and climate change, since negative behaviors in tourisms appear around the attractions. Not only this, I would argue that mass tourism is also negatively associated with long-term socio-economic tourist areas .

As see, I break my opening paragraph into three sentences. The first one is called a hook. Some students shun writing a hook in IELTS, since it is unnecessary. However, your intro looks more appealing with a hook. Following this, I simply paraphrase the prompt as the background information. Then it is a thesis statement raised prior to ending this paragraph.

Writing Feedback / Are the so called 'talent shows' effective to find the real talents? IELTS Task 2 [2]

Some feedback para 1


- Nowadays is a commonly unnecessary phrase. I suggest omitting it, since this phrase brings no value
- talent shows have stolen public interest and become a trend attract TV viewers attention.
- TV shows present talent competition amongst ordinary people, so as to be rising stars.

Listen ! When it comes to an opening paragraph, your task is to simply paraphrase the prompt with some background information. Also, you need to introduce a strong thesis statement, as your claim. In this paragraph, I did not see your thesis. If you fail to reach your claim, then your essay is of a concretely empty idea.

Writing Feedback / Can we lose our cultural identity because of the mass communications and transport? IELTS TASK 2 [4]

Some changes from the intro:
- Globalization is entirely avoidable
- The influx of cutting-edge technologies in both communication and transportation
- This MATTER experiences an immense benefit
- On account of this, cultural identity will be vanished.

Writing Feedback / research of ITT qualifications in 2-year period [3]


A closer look at the data reveals that the total number of female teachers trained initially stood at 23865. Yet, this figure rose to 24335. As seen, there was a marked rise in two years. This is in stark contrast to the male figures in both years, when there is a decline in total number male teachers trained, between 8065 and 7610 teachers .


Well, I think you'd better not to use "finally" in this part, since no sequence events are stated at all.


Boys and males are of two different meanings. If you use 'boys' to replace "male", then I think this can be misinterpreted. Beware of using synonym. I prefer keeping the original phrase rather than the inappropriate ones.

Writing Feedback / The sale numbers of known cellular brands in the middle of the first decade of the 21st century [4]

- The table shows the number of mobile phones sold.
- As seen, people are more likely to use Nokia. Likewise, this brand breaks a record as the highest market share in both years. In any case, other brands experience only a half of Nokia's percentage.

- the sale of Nokia experienced a steady rise, from 32.5% to 35%, an increase of 3.5% in the remainder of period.

Writing Feedback / Academic writing task 2 - The influence of modern world to a healthy lifestyle [2]


People in the pace of modern life are unlikely to have unhealthy lifestyles. While it is true, since many people are struggling with sedentary activities, I would argue that with doing some regular exercise and having balanced diet are the best way to stay fit and health.

Writing Feedback / Secondary education has been dominated among Bulgarians who wanted to live abroad in 2000s [4]


The bar graph compares the proportion of people with three different education backgrounds, who planned to leave Bulgaria. Overall, what stands out from the graph is the figure for people with the higher education decreased significantly, while the percentage of people with primary and lower education showed in reverse. In any case, the number of people with secondary education dominated the total percentages, but experienced a slight decrease.

Writing Feedback / Children face up unhealthy lifestyle - youngers tend to do severe modus vivendi [5]


Here is my edits. Please consider some changes;
Children today are not as healthy as in the past. As it can be seen, many children around the world live under unhealthy lifestyles. It is argued that parents and school should take preventive ways to solve this issue. Yet, I would claim that government should also offer more health services so as to help protect children from poor lifestyles.

Writing Feedback / Task 1 - Total words spoken to child compare with Children's total Vocabulary size [4]

Let me help you polish the first paragraph.
The two line graphs show the relationship in the numbers of words spoken and vocabularies in use that children could produce. As it can be seen, frequency range of talking affects language acquisition. In any case, children with family with higher-talking frequency are more likely to talk more and have more vocabularies in use.


??? the sentence sounds a bit clumsy. Try this: The number of words children produce when they speak...

Writing Feedback / The diagrams describe how a turbine can produce electricity from renewable energy [2]

As discussed in the previous post, I strongly suggest developing a 2-sentence overview. The overview presenting the general trend is the guideline to write body paragraphs. Here is my sample;

The two diagrams compare how wind turbines are designed and where they should be placed in. Overall, what stands out from the pictures shows that the two turbines are constructed with the combination of traditional and cutting-edge technologies. In any case, while some possible locations are offered differently, both turbines need a lot of wind to work.

Writing Feedback / Task 2 - The clothes people wear are the most indication of what they are like [6]


Clothes help protect body. Not only this, it is believed that garments could stereotypically shape performance. For this reason, people in elegant dressed are properly judged as what they wear. Yet, it is argued that judging people by their appearance is false belief.

Writing Feedback / Summary from TED's video. Writing flows and grammar. [2]


Everyone should learn to gain self-confident. Since it is believed that self-confidence brings more happiness, self-confident people are naturally more successful. Here are some techniques to build self-confidence .

... Since there is no prior antecedent, the personal pronoun "they' in this sentence is unclear.


... cogitating what CHANGES INTO cogitating ABOUT what

Writing Feedback / A summarize from TED Talk from Bill Gates who reveals how to improve teaching quality [2]

When it comes to an opening sentence, it is always good to start with a short sentence. This is because the sentence brings clarity. I have made some changes in the first paragraph. Some ideas such as well-performed ability on reading and reading ability are omitted, since there was no coherence between the prior and the following sentence.

Teacher is a person whose job is to teach students. Likewise, a teacher always encourages pupils in everything so as that the students could gain knowledge and insights. As teachers, they need valuable feedback regarding their teaching performance, since it is believed that this way helps them boost the quality of information transferred. For example, some countries such as China, South Korea and Finland have designed current schedules for teachers to gather some feedback one another. As normally seen, teaching activities are kept under surveillance, so as to improve the way educators teach. This constructive activity works both for junior and senior teachers. The outcome of this shows those countries hover at the world's best performing education systems.

Writing Feedback / Negative effect of electronic media on personal relationship - ielts task 2 [3]


All parts in the world are electronically connected. As such, it is commonly seen that some people living in different areas have strong relationships even though they have not meet one another. Yet, it is argued that too much electronic interaction socially affects personal relationships, since many people have felt a sense of social isolation.

Writing Feedback / The correlation between family talks and a different number of the vocabulary used by children [3]


The two line graphs show the comparison between verbal words and the amount of vocabularies in use for toddlers. What stands out from the graphs is that family with higher talking frequency had succeeded to help children develop communication. As seen, the number of words spoken goes hand in hand with far more total vocabulary sizes.

Writing Feedback / Inhabitants live in several different places - second task for IELTS [3]


Home is a place where people live and grow. As such, some people were more likely to live in the same place where they were born. It is not always true, since some others prefer to live in different areas. Both ideas have merits and demerits. Therefore, it is agreed that new places always bring new hopes.