Writing Feedback / Task 1- Energy Generation by Fuel Type [3]

Hi Tami, please find additional suggestions below, on order to enhance your analysis.

- The pie charts illustrate aboutthe energy
- in Florida in two separated years.
- Overall, the charts show the trend of fuel in
- is predicted willto ascend in 2017,
- whereas renewablesfuel are at the lowermost.

- gas by average Floridais predicted
- willto rise to
- just over a half in 2017.
- Nuclear utilizingutilization is predicted
- willto climb from
- several consumption of energy is predicted
- will be plummetingto plummet .
- renewable energy has a very small
- Other forms of energy estimated to
- sharp drop sharply from just over one

There you have it Tami, I hope you follow through with the corrections above and for future writing reference, mind the form if the words you incorporate in your analysis and make sure to stick to the information given in the diagram.

Writing Feedback / The table gives information about the outcome of two observation between 1997 and 2006 [4]

Hi Riandi, please find my share of suggestions below;

- observations between 1997 and 2006.
- After that, listeningListening to partnerships

- As it can be seen in external communication
- table, 60 % of employers
- In 1997, citizenpeople ( I believe this is a more appropriate term ) think selling a product
- or service was not needed in their job,

- is listening to partnerships carefully at 38%
- The lowest one responded in 1997,

There you have it Riandi, I hope the above remarks, however minor, will be able to help you in your revision and for future writing reference, in an analysis, make sure that it is as accurate as you can, mind the minor details of the given diagram of information and be sure to create an objective and straight forward analysis.

Writing Feedback / Summary Article : Biggest radio telescope on Earth ready to receive alien signals [3]

Hi Andika, below are my thoughts on your summary essay.

- the world is locatedfound in China.
- It is look likea Five-hundred-metre
- that startis set to to observe
- onthe outer space.
- which can help to protect peoples from interference
- of radio waves, which areand signals are sent by a mobile phone and a Wi-Fi.

- The telescope can gowent through
- ThatThis means that it will
- alsoand one of itsthe function can detect,

- receivers are designed to move directly,

There you have it Andika, I hope the above remarks are helpful to your revision, I believe it's the minor details that you have to focus and pay attention to, as they are key aspects that brings the sentences together.

Writing Feedback / Article Review: Zuckerberg and Chan Promise $3 Billion to Cure Every Disease [2]

Hi Oki, right off the bat, I noticed that you are very precise in your information, however, the unit of measurement, currency and symbols are also very important, not only to keep a uniform presentation of your review but more importantly, to create and cover all the facts that is needed to convey the right and factual message to your readers.

Having said that, below are my thoughts on your review;

- the couple announced $ 45 billions of - to the organiz ation.
- Although there is not much
- information on how the fund will go,

- $600 million "BioHub" to in San Francisco,
-UC Berkeley will be able to work together.
- He added his organisation'sthat the organizations mission is concentrated
- do notdoesn't go sick.
- In contrastOn the contrary ( contrast - is for color / contrary or contradiction - is for ideas ) ,
- community focused on
- spendsspending fifty times more in investing in treating people who are sick.

There you have it Oki, I hope the above remarks are helpful in your revision and make sure that for your future reference, you take your linking verbs and properly input them in the sentences.

Writing Feedback / TED Summary: How to Look Inside the Brain [3]

Hi Erwin, kindly find below remarks for additional modification.

- TodayNowadays, we can seeanalyze what is inside
- ofourthe brain rather than
- glimpses atof our brains wiring.

- was a str ain called the Golgi str ain. - Neurons does not operate alone,

There you have it Erwin, as you can see, there's not much to correct in your summary essay, it is a well managed essay, however, for future writing reference, mind the little details in your sentences, especially if they are vital information that is needed in order to understand the idea and the thoughts of the summary and for your readers to keep track of the purpose of the essay.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Summary Task American Bike Project where to Sleep [2]

Hi Dioba, below are a few suggestions to further enhance your essay.

- Tyler Metcalfe, asis a National
- to doconquer a journey of cross-country cycling.
- a different places of their journey.
- The major problem fromfor travelers
- using bicycle is finding a place to sleep.
- forin finding a good place
- to sleep on a bike tour isare campsites.
- Campsites also usually offer fire pits,
- SecondNext , Hotels and motels
- are become otheris another option.
- Staying in a hotel it offers some
- sort of amenities
- and cheap accommodation .

There you have it Dioba, I hope the above remarks and modifications are helpful and for future writing purposes, mind the form of words that you associate in the sentences, make sure that they are the words that you need in order to convey the message to your readers.

Scholarship / Hi all, I'm currently in the midst of completing my essays for Chevening Scholarship. [3]

Hi Hassan, I would like to believe that before you wrote and even decided to go for the Chevening Scholarship, that you did your research and know that it is one of the most sought after scholarship there is in the academic world.

Having said that, I must say that being a reviewer, I find a lot of modifications to be done in your essay, please find my suggestions below;

- According to my beliefs traits for beingBecoming a leader is not a gift from heaven,
- and a prince is born a prince i
- are born, not they makemade , - to be a leading figure successfulof success and

- This is what I will illustration from my experiences.- I believe this particular sentence will not help your scholarship essay

- Firstly , due towith our family's
- financefinancial circumstance, - I used to help them by doing working in
- many places without affecting in any way on my studies in any way
- the formulation ofbuilding my character
- and refining it for the subsequent phases,.
- This is what makes my siblings affected by my experience and make it as a model worth emulating.- this particular sentence can be deleted

There you have it Hassan, as you can see, there's a lot of ways we can enhance your essay and as I mentioned, the Chevening Scholarship is one that receives probably thousands of applications and yours should stand out and having this essay will need a lot of revision. I will get back to you for the rest of the essay.

Writing Feedback / Chris Anderson explained about four keys to be an extraordinary public speaker. [2]

Hi Aris, please find additional suggestions below;

- explained about four keys to be
- important secret factor in influencing people
- to makebecome a good speaker.
- Idea is an array of information whichthat connects collectively amongst many views .
- Therefore, it is going to become an individual's point of view.
- people looking at a young
- woma n must have different

Spelling:
prespective - perspective
spesific - specific i
languange - language

- Finally, the speaker obligatorily ensures that the idea
- since it is able toas it inspires and
- giveprovide many upsidesups and downs in human's life.

There you have it Aris, I hope the above insights helped and for future writing reference, be careful with your spelling, make sure that your spell checker is on all the time.

Scholarship / My leadership skills came into limelight way back when I was in high school. Chevening Scholarship [4]

No worries at all Michael, I know your journey towards greater academic pursuit is just beginning and I must say, you made an excellent choice in coming up with with a very specific ladder to climb up to.

The Chevening Scholarship is indeed a very prestigious one and once you're in it, be sure to be cautious in proving yourself and should anything doesn't turn out right, don't worry, there will always be second chances and other choices to make life a little bit exciting and be a more appealing story to be told.

We will definitely advice and be here for you when you need us and should you have time, practice writing more, create drafts that will help you in your future prompts, read a lot and do a competitive trial and error in your writing, you can also do a little bit of editing job in your free time in order to develop techniques in writing.

Writing Feedback / 'sleep well at night and do yoga at midnight': it's hard to keep a healthy lifestyle in modern world [3]

Hi Eva, first of all, as I go through your essay, I believe you have made a well managed answer to the task at hand, you have a direct response and you did what was asked of you to write. In general, you have pointed each side of the puzzle that made your conclusion strong. Having said that, I do agree that, nowadays, it's getting tougher to be healthy, there are several factors that gets your mind off of eating healthy and living healthy, however, it is always your will that matters in the end, your choice to be healthy and be fit in every way possible.

Moreover, as much as I believe your essay has a very positive result and highlighted the necessary points to address the prompt, I have a few suggestions to enhance your essay.

Conclusion
- in this modern era by eating balance nutrition,
- the peopleyou can commits with these
- to the activities but, however, in
- to have abe fit body and healthy
- mind such asby observing less stress, sleeping well at night
- and do yoga at midnight. It might be very useful to solve health problems as soon as they arise or better yet prevent them, as they say, prevention is better than cure .

I hope the above remarks help in your revision.

Writing Feedback / Consumers are faced with increasing numbers of advertisements from competing companies. [3]

Hi Toan, kindly find additional modifications for your essay.

- brought to consumers attention,
- one of which is athe competition of companies.
- of contendingrival companies are dangerous

- No one couldshould neglect the
- products of companies whichthat are broadcasted
- on thein different ways such

- they may be attended oncan flash slogans
- whichthat moves on the
- screen that represents the
- benefits of the goods.

- Despite hard to finding methods ,
- HazardouslyNegative advertising on televisions programs,
- poster all of which inform prohibited goods

- In conclusion, it is undeniable that theinfluentinfluence of advertisements
- should be promoted to pay much moneykept away from this harmful and negative advertisements.

There you have it Toan, I hope the above remarks are helpful to your revision, for future writing reference, make sure that you be cautious on the correct form of the words that you incorporate in your essay.

Writing Feedback / Two billion people, at least in America, India and Southern East Asia, learn English worldwide [2]

Hi Andika, as I go through your essay, I believe there's something wrong with how you understood the TED talk that you are trying to summarize. As far as I recall, this particular talk is focused on hoe the English language took off and created such a mania that every single person in the world would like to learn and speak the language.

Now, there is some truth to your summary, the part where you talk about or enumerated countries where the language originated and how it spread is an absolute truth. The English language has taken the world for as long as I can remember, it is dubbed as the universal language, a language where everybody understands everybody and share the same perspective and expression. Nonetheless, it is the language that brought people together and unfortunately enough, the same language that sometimes can break people apart due to several factors such as different views and different understanding to certain circumstances in life.

Overall, it's quiet a confusing summary, there's quiet a lot of changes to be made, however, they can be fixed and modified and I hope the above insights helped you in your revision.

Scholarship / My leadership skills came into limelight way back when I was in high school. Chevening Scholarship [4]

Hi Michael, I believe this is the first time I'm reviewing your essay and as this is for Chevening Scholarship, I suppose you know that this is a very sought after scholarship and it takes a lot to get in to this type of scholarships, however, I believe that if you the right attitude and purpose towards something that you think will keep you going, then go ahead and pursue it in its fullness.

Overall, I must say that the essay is managed well, it is properly presented, 4 straight forward paragraphs that is directed to the sole purpose of the essay and that is to get in to one of the most sought after scholarship. It will also help if you do a healthy comparison to other scholarship seekers in order to create that what -to and what - not - to include in your essay.

One more thing, this essay is targeted to one and only one purpose, to be in the elite group of scholarship grantees, I believe you have what it takes to create a good academic journey with the Chevening Scholarship and with this, we would love to know what comes out of your application, we'd love to hear from you.

Writing Feedback / (IELTS ES) Summary the one of National Geoghaphic's article [3]

Hi Asda, I believe this is the first review I will do for your essay and right off the bat, I must say that this summary is full of adjectives that helped describe in very fine details what is in the story and this summary also featured all there is to know and understand in order to discover the destination.

Overall, as much as the ideas and information help elaborate the sense that you are trying to convey to your readers, the adjectives, verbs as well as the minor details such as the linking verbs and stand alone phrases are great addition to your essay and this is what you did in your summary essay. You made sure that all the points and contents are covered to create that substance needed for your essay.

What else is there is for you to keep writing, though I know that your essay can still be enhanced, I believe it comes in time and practice of course. Keep writing.

Writing Feedback / The advertising of certain food products should be banned [6]

Hi Hoang, no worries at all we are here to share with you what we know and our expertise in order for you to be more confident in submitting your essay and in the process giving you that extra strength to your essay.

Moreover, we advice that aside from answering prompts that definitely hones your writing skills, I personally suggest that you develop different writing techniques in order to give not only a variety to your writing but also a different substance that will enhance and develop your writing skills.

Overall, you can go ahead and experiment in your writing, learn from other writers, do a competitive comparison and most importantly, write as much as you can as well as read a lot, this will not only help you know and learn more about new words and how they are used in a sentence, this will greatly help you in coming up with an even stronger article.

Writing Feedback / Summary Article: Keep your goals to yourself [2]

Hi Atthya, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, I hope you find this website to be helpful as well as useful to your writing projects. We aim to provide you with the most accurate and credible feedback that will assist you in coming up with an even stronger essay.

Having said that, please find a few suggestions below;

- the dreams that they expect to happen in the future will happen .
- All of peopleEverybody should start the imagination to imagine theimagining their dream.
- ThenHowever , if everyone shall say about all theirkeeps talking about their dreams, - would not the people will be near to their dreams?
- However, aA ccording to psychologists and psychologists tests proved that,
- if someone saystalks more about their dreams
- to others they tend to happen it will be a little bit .
- always remember about it and will do ittake action in achieving it .
- If there are people who want to say, there is only one effective way is a way that does not create satisfied quickly.- I'm not exactly sure what you want to say in this particular sentence, please elaborate.

There you have it Atthya, I hope the above remarks are helpful as well as valuable to your revision and for future reference, make sure that you practice a lot, create drafts of whatever it is that you want to write as this will help you enhance your writing and also maximize the words as you use it in the sentence, mind the placement of your words and make sure that they are logical and meaningful enough in order to portray the ideas that you want your readers to understand.

Writing Feedback / GPS Accuracy in Australia versus moves of tectonic plates in America [3]

Hi Bams, right pf the bat, I notice that you are writing the name of the subject in small letters and this should be immediately corrected, I understand that this is just a draft, however, draft or not, you have to maintain and follow the rules of the English language. Names are written in capital letters ( the first letter of the first and last name ), this is not only making sure that you follow the rules but also to show respect to the bearer of the name, I know that you would expect the same treatment for your name, right.

Moreover, below are additional enhancement for your essay.

- At the moment inThe geographic location of Australia
- occurs to have shifted the continents .
- That is mostThis phenomena is witnessed in the world
- To illustrates , Australia has shifted plate in a yearfor about 2.7 inchis,
- not only them but also America get the shifting continents,also shifted base on the report from new york times.

- D amien S aunder, America has
- This ensue influence to the accuracy of
- coordinates and GPS andon cellphones
- don'tthat might not have that level of accuracy also.
- In the other side theyOn the other hand, it is said when

- It is aim to get accurationWe aim to provide accurate coordinates with
- will mean spending to more time,

There you have it Bams, I hope the remarks are helpful and for future writing reference, mind the form of the words that you associate in your sentences and your sentences should be created in accordance to the ideas you are trying to convey to your readers and not a direct translation of what and how you understand the article.

Writing Feedback / A Fuel Tanker Fire in Mexico's Gulf Coast [5]

Hi Aris, below are my thoughts for your summary essay.

- An horrible accident
- on slast S aturday.
- However, after having fought to extinguish the fire for a day ,
- could ble w out the blaze succesfully
- andas they had to used chemical
- the authority set off inquiring the factors causinga fact finding committee to know the cause of the fire in the vessel .
- Apart from this, actually the burgosthe vessel had taken
- the steps to ward off the oil spill to reach
- in reaching the coast by spreading the booms for about a mile of containment.

There you have it Aris, there's still a lot of work to be done and you need to expose yourself more into writing and reading a lot will help too.

Graduate / Direct Entry Masters of Nursing Statement of Purpose, Final Draft Critique Due in 5 days [3]

Hi William, first of all, 5 days is not yet a cramp day for you to go panic stricken, however, it is also not enough for you to lay low in finishing a well managed and determined essay. Having said that, I believe you started quiet strong, you made sure that you have directed your answer towards the purpose of the essay. Now, as much as I loved reading your essay, I must say, there's nothing special to it, it is very specific to the purpose of the letter, however, it is quiet plain and for this type of letter there should be something special, something that will stand out to the eyes of your critiques and the normal readers.

Moreover, as it is a statement which is pretty much an extension of your academic profile and you as a person, I would suggest that you go deep into your academic pursuit. The second paragraph where you talked about an experience you witnessed can already be summarized into one full paragraph with the next 2 paragraphs, this way it will create a logical impact. You can also create one full conclusive part that will highlight your academic goals in order to reach greater heights in the academe.

Overall, there are a few enhancements to be done and should create a much better final essay that is ready for submission and I wish to review your final essay soon.

Writing Feedback / The advertising of certain food products should be banned [6]

Hi Hoang, as much as I want to provide or rate your essay according to IELTS standard, I will not be able to as here on EF,we are not licensed to rate according to IELTS, however, as I review your essay, I must say you've covered all the basics of the IELTS standard, you started strong in your introduction, you made your point in the succeeding paragraphs and you made sure that there is a logical sequence of your ideas.

However, as much as I like how the essay is strategically written, the concluding part did not really play as strong as the previous ones. Having said that, below are my thoughts and I hope it helps in your revision.

- In conclusion, because of the disadvantage of some certain food product, particularly junk food, It should be limited into the public for public consumption,with the most powerful solutions such as media involvement and advertising healthier options will help the public learn more and make wiser decision on what they will and they want to eat .

There you have it Hoang, I hope the above remarks are helpful to your revision and for future writing reference, be more specific with your reasons, enumerate and elaborate ideas if you can.

Writing Feedback / Childhood is not going to be repeated. Should children play for fun or compertition? [4]

Hi Hector, as I move along and read through your essay, I must say that you have a well managed essay. The fact is that you made sure that the words you use to associate your thoughts and ideas in the essay are very well sequenced, in a very logical order and more importantly, they are all bound to answer and justify your stand on on the topic as to children are suppose to play for fun or competition.

On a hindsight, some people such as basketball players or those ones who play professional tennis are doing both, they play for fun and competition, well, the amount of fun, I'm not sure as to which level but for sure there is an adrenalin rush in trying to win each and every game they participate. For children however, I'm a firm believer that childhood only comes once in our lifetime and so is life in general, therefore, we need to help our children to make the most of it, just like what we, adults, make the most of our life.

There you have it Hector, I hope the above insights help and should you need further assistance, do let us know and we will be here for you.

Writing Feedback / The brief life of Circus from ancient world in Romans [4]

Hi Patta, here's what I think on your essay.

Two things, first, your writing has improved when it comes to the proper association of words in your sentences and their proper placement. However, the forms of the words can still be enhanced, the minor details can also be modified in order to create a complete thought and overall impact of the essay.

Next, the title of the essay says, "The brief life of Circus from ancient world in Romans", and as much as it says, "brief", that doesn't mean that you write an essay that is very short and lacks the relevant information that could've added vital information that depicts the life of a Circus in the Ancient world of the Romans. Overall, it is an essay that could've been better, therefore, I suggest that in your revision, you add a couple more sentences with relevant information.

I hope the above remarks and insights help and I wish to review your revision soon.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Children start school at the age of 4 or 7 ? [6]

Hi Nurul, as I go through your essay, I must say that the only thing that I see that is very visible throughout the essay is the fact that you tend to use the wrong form of the word in your sentences, say for example, "starting" when the correct form that compliments the sentence is "start", you see,a minor change such as the one I mention can do a great deal in your essay. Now, don't get me wrong, your writing has been in a very good progress, however, you need to focus on the minor details of the sentences as this will make or break the essay and its overall outcome.

Having said that, please find a few suggestions below for your conclusion.

- In conclusion, while children starting school at the age
- they can suffer from serious health diseasealso be exposed to different circumstances were they're not yet prepared to tackle .
- education at a more mature phase,
- at aged severseven to eight years.
- decisions related withto their children's development.

There you have it Nurul, I hope that above remarks and insights help in you revision.

Essays / Princeton Engineering Essay - three parts of the topic [2]

Hi Arjun, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, I hope you find this website to be helpful and even more valuable to your writing projects, we aim at providing you with the most accurate and objective feedback that will definitely enhance your essay and should there be any questions after the review, come along and write us your concerns.

Now, I understand that to think of writing an essay for Princeton is already a daunting task, however, if you have the right structure and right approach towards the essay it should work just fine. As mentioned, the structure of the essay is very important, this goes with the paragraphs, the spacing and the overall presentation of your essay.

Further to your queries, as much as the first and the last paragraph or the concluding part is crucial to your essay, you must not take the body or what you call your second paragraph less important, the body of the essay is where you can provide examples, citation of certain things that will support and strengthen your essay.

Overall, each paragraph is placed in an essay in order to give a total complete idea to combat the prompt. There you have it Arjun, I hope the insights helped and I wish to review your essay soon.

Writing Feedback / Identify your greatest interest, find career that match what you love, and pursue it no matter what [3]

Hi Riandi, below is my take on your summary essay.

First of all, the pursuit of what we love to do, our passion and our life goals should not be done only when we think we really need to have a direction in life, indeed, the pursuit of the future is a process, a process that is done in a daily basis, every waking moment should be a chance for us to get better in life and be able to do what we do best and according to our hearts desire.

Moving on, below are my suggestions for your essay.

- He said, inas a teenager he was interested
- to investedin investing money into gold.
- Then,he talked about jobs
- that people must find reliable information that the job morewill
- perfectly match your qualifications .

There you have it Riandi, I believe you have the right idea and you understood what is asked of you in this essay, somehow, it didn't transpire in the essay, what I mean is, following the above corrections, it seems like there's still a lot of work to be done specially in conveying your message to your readers and forming a complete and meaningful sentences. Practice writing more and I hope you follow thought with the suggested corrections.

Writing Feedback / Using Security Cameras in the Supermarket [2]

Hi Ashela, I believe this is the first time that I'm writing a review on your essay and I hope this helps.

At a glance, I must say that the essay has started strong, the ideas you presented towards the importance of the security cameras in supermarkets are very relevant to todays worls and this type of association is very crucial in writing as this means that you understand what you are writing and you definitely know what you want your readers to understand.

However, as much as the essay started good, the concluding part of the essay did not end that well, therefore I'd like to share a few insights that will help you in your revision.

- By theWith the reasons mentioned ,
- the expensive price of the cameras is not being a problem
- if it is compared with itsbrings advantages
- in order to prevent the stealing.
- Monitoring the condition in the supermarket
- number of stealingtheft cases,

There you have it Ashela, I hope the above remarks are helpful in your revision and for future writing reference, make sure that when you start the essay strong, keep it in that intensity and make it even stronger in the end as the concluding part is somehow that last one that retains in the minds of the readers.

Writing Feedback / The number of books that were borrowed and its Book types [IELTS Writing Task 1] [2]

Hi Sari, first of all when you post an analysis, you have to make sure that the graph or the diagram that represents the information that you are about to analyze, this way the reviewers will be able to make sure that they are delivering the most accurate and credible feedback that is necessary to your revision.

Anyhow, I would like to edit and provide you corrections that will enhance your analysis and that is according to the proper usage of the English language.

- is depicted in the line graph,
- showed in the pie chart which is measured in percentage .

- At firsta glance, books borrowed
- with both increased gradually increasing
- tillto 150 books in September.
- remained at a fluctuation rate before,
- re-increasedbounced back and peaked at 300 books.

- To sum upOverall , three different village
- whilst rest of the library decreased,
- the given frame period.

There you have it Sari, I hope the above remarks are helpful to your revision and for future writing reference, mind the linking verbs and their proper placement in the essay.

Writing Feedback / Being social makes us happier, healthier and we live longer than people who are less connected. [3]

Hi Patta, the summary essay is missing a few punctuations marks (e.g., comma) as well as linking verbs in order to complete the thought of the sentence.

Please find additional suggested modifications below.

- Life is too short, sometimes we climb
- from bottom to the top,
- sometimes turning to the opposite direction.
- Life teach us about relationships
- sothey keep us happier and healthier.
- Robert Waldinger bywith his big lesson
- talked about relationships whichwith social connections .
- than people who wasare less connected.

- Based on his research,
- more happilywhen a man or woma n
- is happy, even their physical pain but their mood just still happygoes away .
- However,the people who are in an unhappy - their physical pain by morethat emotional pain is more painful .
- This explanation is good for us that is relationship good in healthto maintain a healthy relationship .

- To sum up humans needs to be connected to each other.
- It is practical endless. A good life is buildbuilt in a good relationship, he ended his speech.

There you have it Patta, I hope the above corrections help in your revision.
Your summary is somehow a direct translation of your understanding which is good, however, it is also translated in a way that you understand it in your mother tongue and not in the English language, so a little more practice is needed.

Writing Feedback / TEDX Finding work you love dont Follow your passion [2]

Hi Bams, I believe this is my first review of your essay and I hope my insights and additional remarks help.

- Most people in the world fin it hard in choosing career,
- because it is a complexes problemsituation . - Rightnow many peoplePeople tend to focusFocuses
- on the wrong thing,
- they can notcan't seem to find out the best way.
- Majority of the people havedevelop the
- same strategy to gotget the best career,
- following the money to getcreate and find their passion.

There you have it Bams, as you can see, there's quiet a lot of work to be done in your essay. What I'm trying to understand is that, you seem to find your sentences to be complete when they're not,in a complete sentence, their's quiet a lot of factors to consider, one of them are minor details such as the punctuation marks, the spacing and most importantly the idea that you are trying to convey to your readers. I hope you find the above examples of modifying your essay is helpful in your revision and should you need further assistance do let us know.

Writing Feedback / Bill Gates and his presentation in Long beach California [3]

Hi Patta, at a glance, I noticed the spelling of the month of "Februari",at the end of the essay, now I know that this is a typo error as you know the correct spelling is "February", this is why your spell checker is extremely important, when you have it on whenever you're writing, it really helps in creating a more meaningful essay and less corrections for you and this will have a domino effect, less corrections means less headache and better understanding of your writing.

Further to the modification of your essay, please find additional help below;

- Bill Gates had a speech in
- February 2009 that took placed
- atin Long beach California.
- He argued that the market
- not drilled thefocused to our scientists and professionals.
- If we o nly pay attention in
- I am an optimist, any top problems
- it can be solve, Gates added.
- In his lecture, there are problem in the world such as diarrhea, pneumonia and malaria that decrease time in time.- I believe this statement is not necessary.

There you have it Patta, I believe you understood the speech delivered by Bill Gates, however, this did not transpired in your essay. A lot of practice is needed to improve your writing but no worries at all, its a process of learning.

Writing Feedback / Every person has take the control and responsibility for the type of life that he wants to lead. [2]

Hi Andika, as I review your essay, I must say, right of the bat, you made sure that your essay is precise, written direct to the point and the best thing about it is the fact that it is very comprehensive, one paragraph summary that is very straight to the point.

One more thing, you labeled life's progress that is very well done, highlighting this information will help your readers find out and better understand the talk. You were able to convey the message to your readers properly and this is the most important part of the summary and your writing style.

Overall, there's still a lot to learn about life and it's just a matter of time until we will be able to balance life and we learn as we go along. For future reference, however, as much as it is a summary, you can go ahead and make it in a two part paragraph and that should leave the reader a breather in order for them to grasp the information that you portray in the article.

Writing Feedback / Summary of TED fusion is energy's future (Steve Cowley) [7]

Hi Ifan, as I go along in reviewing your summary, what I like about it is its logical order, you made sure that your summary is not written only upon your understanding but you made sure that they are in the right order. Not only that, you have the right information, crucial ones that justify the TED Fusion of future energy, having all the information means you understood the talk and you learned from it.

However, I would suggest that in your future writing and revision, avoid using the word, "and", in the beginning of your sentences. The word "and" is use to connect or merge two phrases in order to complete an idea. Therefore, it is not advisable to use it in the starting your essay.

Overall, it is a well written summary with all the necessary information in their properly respected sequence and I hope to review more of your essay soon.

Writing Feedback / A Great Elephant Was Defeated By an Ingenious Ant Once upon a time, in the jungle forest, lived ass [2]

Hi San, I believe this is my first review for your work and with that, I would like to WELCOME you to the Essay Forum Team, we aim at providing you with the most accurate and relevant feedback that will help you get more confident in submitting your essay.

Now, as I read along, I can't help but get engrossed with the story, indeed, learning is a process and its a very long one, I believe a lifetime is not even enough for us to learn everything about life. Life is a constant act of learning, a constant act of question and answer from all sorts of people from different walks of life.

Moreover, what is also good in your writing is the fact that, you pay attention to the minute details of writing, such as punctuation marks, spacing and the words that you incorporate in your essay are also very easy to comprehend. Overall, the one that stands the most is the take out lesson of the story, this means that you as a writer did understand and learned from the writing yourself. I wish to review more of your essays very soon.

Writing Feedback / More and more people do not ride the bicycle as a model of transportation even though it has many [3]

Hi Phuc, first of all WELCOME to the Essay Forum Team, we hope you find this website to be helpful as well as valuable to your revision, we aim to provide you with the most accurate and objective feedback that will help enhance your essay and be more confident in submitting it.

Having said that, I would like to add to your essay that, indeed, there are less and less people who go for a bicycle ride nowadays, there are a lot of different factors that contributes to this reduce in interest as life is getting more automatic. Now going back to your essay, as I read along, I find it very interesting, the words you choose to depict your ideas is very direct and very easy to comprehend and this is very critical when you are writing something that of your opinion. One more thing that I like about your essay is the fact that you did not only shout out your opinion on the task at hand but you made sure that the essay is covering current events, events that are happening in real and todays life.

Overall, it is a well managed essay and I hope this insights helped, should you need further assistance, do let us know.

Writing Feedback / Some of people think that wealthy life and high salary are essential for personal happiness [2]

Hi Aris, I believe this is my first review for your essay however, I assure you that as we practice here on EF, we will definitely provide you with consistent objective feedback and that will hopefully enhance your essay and be more confident for submission.

This modification is focused on the first 2 paragraphs of your essay.

- that welfarea wholesome life andwith
- buthowever, as much as you can, avoid using the word "but")
- and givinggive my opinion as a
- conclusion inby the end of the writingarticle .

- Nowadays, there is no denying that money has thea
- strong influence in peoples lives since
- People with thea decent job
- don'tdoesn't have proper job becauseand they receive much more money.
- It will make themmean they have a bigger chance
- life such as lacklike lacking of familiy time.

There you have it Aris, I hope the above remarks are helpful to your revision and should you need further assistance, do let us know so we can help out.

Writing Feedback / Bill Gates - how do you stop deadly disease that spread by mosquitos? [3]

Hi Husnul, as soon as I started reviewing your essay, I noticed your quick note on the proper placement of punctuation marks and I'm quiet surprise as most of the writers tend to forget this minor details and I must tell you, as much minor this details are, they are important in completing you sentence and it will have an overall impact in your essay.

However, I believe the essay can still be enhanced, having said that, below are my thoughts;

- that is spread by mosquitos?, and how do ...

- On the other casehand ,
- a conducted research conducted proves that
- those great teachers are not because
- of their masters degree but their past experience.
- TheyThe key points areis thatthose teachers
- are beingsupposed to be very active,
- they perticipatecan ask each students
- and personnel to participate in the system.
- KIP teachers have a target,
- measure their skill and criticize their work each others work regularly.
- The point is gathering people to work together and the solution is ontowards progress.

There you have it Husnul, I hope the above remarks are helpful and for future writing reference, mind the words and its form when you associate them in your sentences. It would also help if you read your sentences aloud as this will tell you if something sounds off, then you definitely need to fix something.

Writing Feedback / TED Summary : The philosophy of a happy life according to Sam [4]

Hi Bung, as this is my first review of your essay, I must say your essay targeted the core message of the talk, indeed, happy life is a choice we make and this will bring us to where we want to be. One good thing that you also showcased in your essay is the fact that, you have clarity in your words and more importantly you understood what the story is all about, this is a very important aspect in writing, you have to be able to understand what you are writing about.

Furthermore, you have managed to keep your summary in 2 distinct paragraphs and this goes to show that your summary is very compact and you are straight to the point and this is depicted in how you have written your summary.

Moreover, as much as I loved your summary essay, I would still advice you to practice writing more often and read a lot, this will open a lot of chances in exploring new words and new techniques in writing and hopefully you can develop new writing techniques.

Writing Feedback / HERE'S HOW MANY APPLE CORES IT WOULD TAKE TO POISON YOU [2]

Hi Terminal123, below are my thoughts on your essay, this is very straight forward, in order for you to see the difference between your original essay and the enhanced or modified one.

- Point inWas there a time when your - mother ever restricted you to eat apple cores
- cause apple cores can consist a large amount of
- and it can change becomethis can form into a cyanide - when it gets down into your gut bacteria ,
- which can do the best way of killing youkill anyone once ingested .
- People are throwing out the middle of apple, it just wasting half an apple .

- Apples are not the only fruits with
- It's alsoin peaches,
- from eating a large amount of amygdalin.

There you have it Terminal123, I hope the above remarks and corrections are helpful to your revision. Overall, there are quiet a lot of missing words and verbs that should've completed your sentences, therefore, the modifications done above should help and of course practice a lot as this will help you in your future writing project.

Writing Feedback / Writing Task 1 Student Cambridge Books- Travelling to work in Houston, Texas [4]

Hi Fadhill, please find the a few suggestions below in order to strengthen your analysis.

- each types of transportation used in traveling .

- The favorite mode of transportation
- used isa self-driven car,
- most popular at approximately forty percent,
- which is higher than cars with passenger and cycle/walk.

- Furthermore, it also becomes the most famous transportation used among the oldest
- In contraston the contrary , cycle/walk
- self-driven car and car with
- age at approximately forty four years old.

- The production of CO2 is dominated by self-driven cars ,
- which annually releases 0.3 kilograms per

There you have it Fadhill, I hope the above remarks are helpful, they are focused on the first 2 paragraphs of your analysis and I hope you follow through for the 3rd and final paragraph of your analysis.

Writing Feedback / The least popular transportation chosen by the workers is cycling or walking [4]

Hi Alrisky, below are my thoughts on the first 2 paragraphs of your analysis, I hope this helps.

- The following table and the bar chart gives data
- about travellingon how to travel to work in Houston, Texas.
- To begin with , the table provides information
- about the percentage of travelers per formmode of transport to
- work and their average age of them based on four - Eventually, there is a connection between both ...

- The last popular transportation chosen by the workers is
- However, it is totally use noThis mode of transportation uses no CO2 Emission.
- Furthermore, catching the bus or train
- is in the second mode of transportation used by 37 percent
- which is only 11 percent of the workers aged 44 who took it.

There you have it Alrisky, I hope the corrections above are helpful to your revision and I wish to review the final analysis soon.