Writing Feedback / The hardware implementation and software design of the collector based on STM32; Bridge Monitoring [3]

Watch out for the forms of the words you are using in your sentences. I have noticed that you have a tendency to create lengthy sentences when you can omit certain words to create more concise structures. These straight to the point content will help you tremendously evade potential mistakes.

Consistency is the key when you are writing. Academic essays require an informative tone. When you are creating technical descriptions, this is ever-more vital. Ensuring that you do this is vital.

Watch out also for how you transition your sentences. Opting to lengthen sentences instead of using appropriate punctuation can create drastic impacts to your essay.

Let's revise a couple portions in your abstract for your reference.

Traditional electronic sensors are not suitable for long-term, long-distance, and real-time monitoring of bridges. The paper proposes an optical fiber bridge safety monitoring data collector based on STM32.* This can collect data and upload bridge structure parameters.

*I cut the sentence into two portions as the first part is already loaded with a lot of information. Avoid creating these dragging sentences because they do not help the readers understand the content more.

Keep these in mind.

Best of luck!

Writing Feedback / Living in a foreign country where you speak with non-local language would make communication problem [2]

Try evading using words that are fillers. When they do not significantly contribute to the essay, it is better to leave them out. Especially when you are working within word counts, you are confined to what you want to say.

Say, for instance, in your first paragraph:

Living in a foreign country that you cannot speak the language of creates communication and practical problems; I agree with this.

Shortening your sentences to make concise structures will enable you to sharpen your writing skills.

Avoid repetitive lines that do not develop the essay's substance. When you are writing, you should be adding something new to the content.

Let's look at your body paragraphs.

Notice how your first sentence in the second paragraph is a repetition of your introductory lines. I would recommend trimming it down to something similar to:

Firstly, language barriers hinder social interactions between locals and immigrants. Knowing the language lets a person participate in community-based activities. [...]

I recommend avoiding assertive lines and claims when you are writing without citations. Saying that, for example, one would not be welcomed in places wherein they cannot speak the language of is off-putting. Rather, try to lighten your language by saying that one would have difficulty adjusting if a language barrier is in place.

Apply these when you are writing. Cut down your unnecessary words - and then afterwards, you may allocate this space to create more in-depth content.

Best of luck as always!

Writing Feedback / Ielts writing task 2: Should media focus on lives of famous people. [4]

Try omitting words that are unnecessary to your essay's substantiation. I recommend that, as you are writing, try to play around with your words until you get hold of a concise format. Using specific terms will assist you in this. Also, be more descriptive as you are writing.

Let's try revise a few parts.

Lavish lifestyles of celebrities on media gain attention from the public. [...]

Notice how doing this is a more descriptive approach to writing than merely writing down.

In your second paragraph:

The first reason is that our cutting-edge society has brought deep violations of celebrities' lives. All of the daily activities of these people from their outfits, speech, to personal romantic lives are published. Not only them as individuals, but their family members and friends also lure in reporters. [...]

Trimming down your sentences is a vital technique that can help you enhance your content. In addition, try to use more appropriate terms when you are writing. For instance, mentioning simply love is quite vague - but saying that it tackles their romantic lives is a more explicit analysis of the situation.

Keep these in mind as you are writing. Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / Midnight exam - write story. story in 150 words. [2]

Watch out for the lack of preposition in your essay. This can affect the flow of your content. Make sure that you always try to construct sentences with complete thoughts. I recommend opting for simpler sentences instead of complex ones; and then, build up from this. Mixing up your structure can go a long way when it comes to establishing a more organic tone. Moreover, try your best to establish better transitions when you're moving from one sentence to another.

For instance:

It was midnight when I finished reviewing for my exam. I had gone to bed afterwards. I had a nightmare*. I found myself in a different world; it was all black. I saw people wearing long black dresses and holding sharp sticks with a fierce facial expression and blood stains all over them. [...]

*I highly recommend opting for these alternatives rather than simply writing down everything. Doing this will sharpen your content.

Keep these in mind. Best of luck!

Scholarship / Development Studies - MOTIVATION LETTER FOR SCHOLARSHIP APPLICATION [3]

I would suggest revising your essay to create a more organic flow.

For instance, in your first paragraph:

My name is Victor Ndubuisi Okoro, a Nigerian with keen interest in the economic theme of development. I am expressing my intent to join the Master of Arts program in Development Studies at the University of Western Cape. Throughout my undergraduate studies, I was introduced to various faces of development: research methods, community service, the engagements of the European Union and developing countries, the third world, Bretton Woods, and the world economy as a whole. I have engaged in researches for community development initiatives alongside academic mentorship programs for social and economic development.

[...]

Notice how integrating your sentences will create better flows; this is especially important if you are creating application essays. When you materialize these types of content, it is pivotal that it is readable to the evaluators. You can accomplish this through not dragging your content too much.

That being said, I also recommend having more concise sentences. This is not to say that you should remove all the adjectives; merely minimizing and capitalizing only on portions that matter is a technique you should learn.

In terms of content and substance, I observe that you have clarified your background and why you deserve this spot in the first place - this is great. I recommend adding details as to why this is a personal and intimate choice for you. If you have a personal story to tell about someone close to you who has experienced this, it would be beneficial if you could incorporate that into the paper to heighten your chances.

Best of luck!

Writing Feedback / WHAT IS THE REASON FOR PARENTS PUTTING TOO MUCH PRESSURE ON THEIR CHILDREN TO SUCCEED. [4]

@Krystal318
What I immediately observed is the need to have more fluid transition words. It's not necessarily true that you have to have a transition word (however, therefore, etc.) after every sentence. You should try to construct your language with a more organic flow, creating a structure that would work with your content. What I mean when I say that transitions should be organic is that you should ask yourself if these are terms that you would naturally say if you are speaking these sentences out loud. Determining this is crucial in building your essay.

In addition, evade using unnecessary words when you are writing. Doing this will help you trim down and create a more concise and clear-cut structure.

Let's revise a couple of parts:

[...]
As the world is rapidly changing, jobs begin to require higher skills and knowledge. This makes it more difficult to adapt. This has led parents to send their children to extra classes to master both technical subjects and extra-curricular hobbies. However, this can be a waste of time as not every child is born talented. Parents think that they have the responsibility to their children's careers; therefore, it becomes their duty to pressure children in learning a multitude of subjects.

[...]

Notice how I had tried to either omit transition words - or rather, I incorporated them into portions of the text that actually need them. For instance, using therefore earlier in a sentence is often inappropriate because this term is supposed to indicate a a concluding remark; it fits better if you add it by the end of your thoughts.

Try to create more formal structures to better your essay. Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / Rising the fee of petrol as the best approach to solve traffic and pollution problem? [4]

@quynhuyen1012
A few notes:
1. Evade using excessive words that do not contribute substantially to your essay.
2. When in doubt regarding the sentence's structure, try to use simpler structures.
3. Watch out for punctuation.
4. Watch out for preposition.
5. Use academic tones when you are writing as this is required.
6. Use appropriate terms.

You also had grammatical mistakes sporadically throughout your essay.

For instance:

Environmental pollution has emerged to be an alarming issue in the world. To solve this problem, others believe that a raise in the fee of petrol is the best approach; according to lobbyists, this will not only improve traffic conditions but also alleviate pollution concerns. However, from my perspective, I do not agree with this.*

*There is no need for you to introduce this early on that you are bound to give resolutions; it's already a given.

While I think that the substance and deductive approach is decent, I also think that you can refocus on putting more attention to your concluding remarks. You have to be more firm in your reasoning. Perhaps you can add a brief statement here?

Best of luck!

Graduate / " Computational Science and Engineering " - SOP for Ruhr Bochum University, Germany [3]

A couple of notes for you to ponder on as you revise:
- When you're writing motivational letters, it should not merely be limited to presenting your background and how passionate you are to the field. Instead, you can refocus your energy to showcasing the long-term benefits of this degree to your entirety. Because there are a lot of people vying for this spot, it would be beneficial if you can provide how specifically this will help you in the future. Say, for instance, because your last paragraph already discusses the fundamentals of why this field is lacking in your home country, reconnect it to how you will apply your skill set here.

- Being descriptive in these forms of essays comes with a high price. While it's great that you are exerting effort in creating explicit descriptions, it would also help if you can ensure that these are going to be free of technical/grammatical errors as this can heavily deduct impression points from your essay.

If you plan to use this letter and alter it to create another one for the Material Science program, I suggest that you try to revise, rephrase, and retain the portions that you discuss your background in to save time. Afterwards, you may proceed in discussing how you can benefit from the program - make it specific (therefore do not copy this portion from your original paper).

Best of luck!

Scholarship / Why I am a good candidate for scholarship? Life experiences / management skills. [2]

A few notes:

1. Watch out for repetitive descriptions. What this means is that when you are writing, try to omit words that are unnecessary. Instead of adding too many details that cloud your essay's content, try to keep your descriptions concise. Doing this will enhance your overall writing.

2. Watch out for your usage of punctuation.

3. Appropriate capitalization is necessary.

4. Evade using multiple, consecutive periods as this does not necessarily contribute anything to your essay.

When you are retelling an experience, try to avoid merely mentioning what had happened. Instead, try to involve feelings into the equation. Doing this will create a more intimate, personalized approach to the essay. (see your second paragraph)

Your third paragraph is also quite overblown with redundant words; and it also full of lengthy sentences. This makes the essay exhaustive.

I would recommend revising it to something like:

I have been able to perfect my leadership and management skills through being a Chairman for the Youth at church and a group leader for class assignments. This has effects on both my faith and academic lives. These skills will benefit the student community in the university. [...discuss more in detail here why the scholarship necessitates that these traits persist]

Lastly, I suggest that you try to incorporate more details regarding your life experiences on the matter. These will make your essay more personalized and intimate for the readers.

Best of luck!

Writing Feedback / An increasing number of professionals such as doctors and teachers are leaving their own country [2]

@sappi
Avoid redundant words. When you are writing within word counts, being precise is vital because it will determine how much you can optimize the space of your essay.

Restructure your sentences in a way that will help you develop your thoughts in a more straightforward manner.

Let's look at your first paragraph. I would revise the lines as:

Doctors, teachers, and other professionals from underdeveloped countries migrate to developed countries for work. This leads to economic degeneration in their home countries. [...]

Notice how I tried to strategically use terms (specifically in the second sentence) that would lead to this portion. Doing this will enhance your content immensely.

Moreover, I also recommend that you try to be more specific when you are curating content.

For instance, in the second paragraph's introductory lines:

The initial problem faced by these countries is brain drain in the sciences and educational sectors. This has led to economic struggles because of lack of technological development. [...]

Notice how I had followed through with what happened (brain drain) and how it happens (tech development is hampered). Having these small descriptions would help hammer down your content.

Remember these comments as you are writing. Best of luck!

Writing Feedback / Is it better for children to begin learning a foreign language at primary school? [5]

@Dang Ngoc
Watch out for your grammatical errors. Most of them are technical mistakes. I recommend that you try to use languages that are more appropriate for this essay. As this is an informative essay, it warrants that you should also have similar composition for its purpose. In addition, omit words that are unnecessary for building your content.

For instance, in your first paragraph:

Experts believe that children better learn foreign languages at primary school rather than secondary school. [...]

Notice how removing the word some does not necessarily change the meaning of the sentence. When you can determine these words, it will help you create more strategic sentence structures.

Let's take a look at other portions of the essay.

Errors are sporadically seen throughout your essay.

Restructure your essay in a better light through refining the forms of the words that you have.

If we take a look at your third paragraph, it should be:

Last but not the least, children's cognitive system* is faster and more sensitive to new skills compared to adults. [...]

*Placing children before cognitive system and allocating ownership is a great way to help you trim down your word count.

Consistency is key when you're writing. Notice how I mentioned faster alongside more sensitive as they both require a sense of being more than what was previously in the situation. Doing these things is a sure way of creating more appropriate substance.

Best of luck!

Scholarship / Outline the details of your future aspirations and how your degree will help you achieve your vision [3]

@jolivares
While lengthy sentences are alright, you should be cautious of the way you create them. It should always be balanced. When I talk about how an organic flow is necessary when you are writing, it means that having variations of length will go a long way. That being said, this will make your writing style more straightforward without compromising its creativity.

For instance, I would revise a few sentences in your first paragraph as:

Climate change has threatened the world. This has led to natural disasters, changes in land use change, and massive losses in biodiversity. I aspire to work for the conservation of natural resources because of their intrinsic and extrinsic values. I aim to contribute through mitigating and adapting territories under climate change, and protecting surrounding communities aligned with sustainable development goals. [...]

Moreover, I recommend that you try to specify details as you go. I have noticed that you tend to be repetitive with your words (see second paragraph). Because of this, I suggest that you try to go more in-depth into details to avoid continuously saying that you want to be a professional in the field. For instance, tackle how the curriculum of this program can contribute to your knowledge of conservation instead of mentioning that it will make you a stronger professional.

Lastly, I suggest that you revise the last paragraph of the essay. There's not much value in mentioning that you wish to promote the university to individuals in your country. While this is a positive statement, it does not contribute a whole lot to your scholarship application. Instead, merge your thoughts and formulate how you will contribute to the university's resources through (a) doing research that will accumulate data on the field or (b) become a productive member of the academic community that will foster its international integrity.

Best of luck!

Writing Feedback / The Pros And Cons of Social Media and Digital Communication to People [2]

@KeithSun
I commend your writing skills. It's appreciated how you are able to merge together short and lengthy sentences to create a more dynamic flow in the essay. Aside from this, I do have a few recommendations to polish your essay.

First and foremost, I suggest that you try to omit words that do not add to the substance of the essay. This is not to say that you should evade using adjectives - rather, it means that you should try to create concise sentences that do not have repetitive thoughts. This will help you avoid being non-linear in your writing.

For instance, in the second paragraph, you kept mentioning social media and digital communication over and over again. This has caused the essay to have unnecessary length that dragged its overall value. I would recommend that you try to lessen these words, or perhaps you can use more concise languages. Synonymous terms will also help. If you cannot find them, try to merge these terms (ie. social media and digital communication can be interpreted as media-based communication which is less lengthy of a term).

Apart from this, I would suggest that you try to be more cautious of your sentence construction. In your second to the last paragraph, I have noticed how you have a tendency to have disorganized thoughts (meaning your sentences no longer follow a structural flow - instead, they appear as though floating thoughts that you just write as you think about them). Polishing your thoughts alongside creating a specific outline would help you resolve this.

Best of luck!

Writing Feedback / Tax increase on fast-food industry - IELTS task 2 - evaluation and grading [2]

@anchen259
Evade unclear sentence construction. This creates unnecessary wordings in your essay that would cloud its overall meaning. What I recommend is a more straightforward approach to writing, especially if you are working within the constraints of word count. On top of this, using appropriate words (based on context of your sentence) are necessary.

For instance, in your introductory paragraph, I recommend phrasing things as:

Junk foods have been gaining popularity in the modern world, causing the rise of health concerns. Although it is reasonable to introduce stricter policies for resolution, I firmly believe that the drawbacks have to be considered.

[...]

It can also be noticed in your second paragraph. In your second sentence here, you could have said here that the profit-oriented nature of the fast food industry makes them less concerned about the unhealthy composition of their products. Instead of doing this, you used terms such as bringing in large number of profit or mentioning that it is an obviously clear issue. Eradicating these unnecessary terms is crucial.

Best of luck!

Scholarship / Total International Schorlarship Application [2]

@Stefanovic
Are you working within a specific word count?

There are lot of unexplained utterances in your essay that can be better phrased through providing thorough detail on the account of your application. For instance, you can discuss more about how specifically the scholarship has given benefits to the oil and gas industries. Do they hold collaborative projects that encourage enhanced research for the topic at hand? Moreover, you could have also tackled how the prospects of the organization has affected its outlook. Discuss how the qualifications for its members are accummulated - and how this can impact the overall flow of the essay.

If you can add more details to your essay that are both personal and professional, then merging these descriptions would reap the most benefits for your application. Discuss extensively your personal experiences that have made you passionate for your program, making you a great candidate for the scholarship. Discuss about the professional accomplishments you've had that have made you qualified for the program.

Best of luck!

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1: NEW RESIDENTIAL CONSTRUCTION [3]

@hellomango
Evade unnecessary data. In addition, ensure that you make your sentence construction concise and technical as much as possible because it'll benefit your entire essay. This is especially important if you are writing informative essays that are analytical.

Let's take a look at your essay and deconstruct a few portions.

There are instances wherein you cam omit particular data, especially if you are repeating them already. Having hold of this technique will let you develop your ideas in a clearer manner because you would not waste time merely repeating the same things.

This was observed in your first paragraph; I would revise this portion as:

The line graph illustrates the number of single-family houses in the United States from 2006 to 2012. In a period of six years, there was a significant decrease in the construction of houses in various periods of time. Fluctuations persist.

Notice how I had restructured the paragraph to make sure that I do not repeat the same terminologies (not unless necessary). Using appropriate terminologies (ie. saying fluctuations persist instead of fully describing the trend as both mean the same thing) is also important.

Keep these in mind as you are editing. Best of luck!

Writing Feedback / Bigger benefits of learning a new language in primary school instead of waiting until middle school? [2]

@sillyman2000
A couple of notes to consider:
1. Be wary of your sentence construction.
2. When you're mentioning numbers, it is more appropriate to write it out rather than using the numbers themselves.
3. Evade using insignificant/unnecessary words to optimize the space you have for your essay.
4. Instead of giving out general statements, it would be better if you could specialize or create more specific content that is tailor-fit to your essay. Doing this will help you have more structure in your essay.

5. Watch out for complex sentences that do not generate substantial output for your essay.
6. While transition lines are generally acceptable, it would be alright if you can omit them - especially if you prefer having a more organic transition between your sentences.

Let's revise a couple portions of your essay in response/application to/of these notes.

For instance, in your second paragraph:
Exposing children to a new language from age six to ten will help them absorb it. A scientific experiment from Rutger University in New Jersey had proven that the earlier a child learns a second language, the better grasp they would have of it. In addition, the research claimed that multilingual people are more likely to be more intelligent compared to monolingual individuals because of differences in brain structures. Thus, it would be better for children to learn the language sooner.*

*This last concluding paragraph could be revised to display a different summation of the entire content. In here, you merely repeated what you had mentioned in the initial parts of the paragraph. What you may instead do is try to articulate the idea that the development of a child's brain would result to more long-term benefits. Having these details is crucial if you want more depth in your writing.

Keep these in mind as you are rereading and revising. Best of luck!

Writing Feedback / Seeking early independence from parents - TOEFL [3]

@DK23
1. Transitioning your sentences does not mean that you necessarily need to have repetitive transition words. Instead, opting for an organic transition method (ie. letting it flow as it naturally should) would go a long way.

2. It would be beneficial if you could omit using unnecessary details that are irrelevant to the in-depth understanding of the overall content of the essay. Doing this will create a more straightforward approach to writing that is certainly preferred in the long-run.

3. Try to be more creative with your sentence construction. Consistency is also key to technical writing. If you are consistent with your form, it would benefit your essay because you will have more concentration on delving deep into the thoughts of your essay rather than having to deal with complex structures.

4. Watch out for your capitalization, punctuation, and insertion of filler words.

Let's try to look at your essay in certain points.

If we take into account the second paragraph, I would recommend that you try to revising it (and the others - but with emphasis on this portion) according to these aforementioned comments. It is important that you try to have more hold over substantiated content rather than just filling out the essay with information without having proper organization techniques.

For instance, let's revise this portion as:

Firstly, a main advantage of staying with parents is that they teach children social and cultural values.* When we are with the family, we celebrate festivals and holidays; this lets us learn the importance of familial ties. This also lets us not worry about basic necessities like food, laundries, and groceries. Because there is generally more free time for children, they can concentrate more on studying and working. This will help them become successful. [...]

*It is unnecessary to say that they are good social and cultural values because good is synonymous to values inherently. Learn these techniques to shorten your structures.

Just keep these in mind as you are revising. When you find that you have sentences that can be divided into two different portions, opt to separate to have more structure.

Best of luck!

Writing Feedback / Essay about wiretap authorisations-need your corrections [2]

@Menurulilmi
Watch out for your usage of punctuation, preposition, and appropriate grammar. To ensure that you have the appropriate construction of sentences, always try to start from simpler formats before moving into complex ones. Doing this will improve the content of your essay. Because these types of essay require an informative format, you can focus on creating a straightforward tone to your essay rather than going around with various forms/fillers. Omit these unnecessary lines to have a more academic approach.

Let's try to revise a few portions of your essay. If I were to revise the second paragraph of your essay:

The biggest gap in wiretapping occurred in 20017 with approximately 1 750 authorizations in federal compared to less than the state's 500 count. This is a perceived difference of nearly 2.5%.

In the succeeding sentence, what exactly do you mean by "the most constant authorisations"? You have to be more specific when you are interpreting graphs.

I recommend trying to be more organized when you are curating analytical content. Interpreting data from graphs should always be within a specific pattern. For instance, I would suggest that you try to stick with a timeline. Start from the beginning of the data present - and end at the last year.

Moreover, I suggest adding a concluding line to all of it. You merely described the data present in the graph without providing your own interpretation or input. This will help create more depth.

Best of luck!

Writing Feedback / Forming a Learning Group - Help me correct this short essay !! [2]

@MokNguyen
Try to be more precise with your sentence construction. What this means is that you should try to be more straightforward when it comes to your utterances. Try to evade language that is vague - or sentences that do not have specific benefits/depth that will contribute to your content's substance. Try to also avoid being repetitive with your thoughts as doing so hinders you from creating more meaning in your essay.

Let's try to revise a couple of parts in accordance to this.

In your introductory parts:

Creating a small-scale learning group is easy once these steps are followed.

Finding members comes first. When approaching freshmen, getting in contact and introducing one's self alongside the group's goals come first. This is to find people with the same vision. Actively form the team to avoid long-term issues.

Afterwards, one can choose the space for the group. To maximize the location, it is important to choose a quiet place to avoid distraction. The library is recommended because of its resources.

[...]

Another good technique would be merging together sentences to make sure that you have concise content that would be dedicated to having more structure. This can make your essay more organized when it comes to relaying information.

In addition, looking for appropriate transition words is important. You can obviously evade using common ones (first, second, third, etc.) and instead use a more organic method of moving between your thoughts.

Best of luck!

Writing Feedback / What causes someone to leave his or her country to look for opportunities in a different place. [3]

@viho0970
Watch out for phrasing mistakes that can affect the overall quality of your essay. You should try to omit words that do not add value to your sentences/essay. Doing this will heavily help you structure your essay in a way that you are able to optimize the space that you have. Try to also avoid using repetitive thoughts/language - and instead, try opting for a more concise and in-depth approach to writing that will ensure that you have more direction.

Let's revise a couple portions of your essay.

A lot of people believe that moving abroad is equivalent to a shortcut to success. From my perspective, this trend is due to relative expectations of people.

Ambitious and hardworking individuals see moving to a developed country as a way to improve their career prospects. There are beliefs on having a dream job characterized with higher payments and fewer working hours. This can also become a way to learn a second language.* Moreover, this lets people immerse in a new culture for adventurous and eye-opening experiences. [...]

*I suggest revising this portion because unless you can find a direct correlation between learning a second language and moving overseas, it seems sort of lost in the thought profess of this paragraph.

Try to be wary of instances wherein you were unable to relay the full details of your thoughts. Try to be cautious when you are concluding.

Best of luck!

Undergraduate / School drum-call - the experiences which help me to grow up [2]

@Jenn12
While I think that the introduction is creative, I also believe that balancing that creativity with being formal is key. You can be descriptive and relay these important events without necessarily losing focus of an overall tone that is appropriate for the entirety of your essay. I would recommend that you try to be wary of this as you are revising.

Be wary of your sentence construction. Try to evade being too complex to avoid potential mistakes. Having simplified organic messages is key to having better overall content. Having said that, I would recommend that you try to integrate techniques to make your content concise and straightforward. While storytelling requires that you become detailed, this should also mean that you know how to pick information that would be necessary to develop your story.

Furthermore, I also recommend that you try to restructure and reorganize your essay. I have noticed that you have a tendency to have cluttered thoughts in your essay.

Best of luck!

Writing Feedback / Study in the past and present [2]

@Buinganhieu
Try to implement a more academic/informative tone to your essay. Doing this will greatly improve the overall structure of the content because you will be able to have more direction in terms of the flow that you want.

Remember that in all essays that you write, you should write with intention. This means that you should be cautious of small mistakes that may hamper the way that you relay your information.

Moreover, I would also suggest that you try to be flexible when it comes to the data that you input. When you are given a writing task, the interpretation would be heavily reliant on what you feel. Doing this means that you should be more creative with the way that you perceive these tasks to have more innovative ideas in writing.

Let's revise a couple portions of your essay in accordance to this.

In the past, the absence of modern technology made it difficult to have ease in studying. Nowadays, this access to technology has made lessons more interesting for students; additionally, this has assisted teachers in more innovative approaches.* [...]

*Notice how I had integrated the first five sentences of your essay and made three out of it. Using this technique of merging your thoughts and conclusions into more structured sentences will enable you to have more hold over the flow of the essay. Furthermore, this will also help you evade potential mistakes.

Remember these as you are writing down your next essay. Best of luck!

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2: Purposes of films [4]

@greynd
Make concise sentences through merging your thoughts and not needing to create separate lines for them. Doing this will not only give you more space to discuss more substantial content through helping you maximize the space you have, but this will also help you avoid being repetitive in terms of content.

Try to avoid using too many filler words as you are typing. Having too many irrelevant words creates an exaggerated structure that does not have progressive thoughts in it. Having said that, try to always omit words that you do not need. If you can remove a word and feel as though the general meaning of a sentence does not change, then opt to remove it.

Moreover, it is important to know the intent of your essay as you are writing. Create an outline before writing out your thoughts. It is quite obvious sometimes when individuals merely write without thinking about the intent and direction because the outcome has a tendency to be messy and unorganized.

Let's revise a couple parts.

Since the dawn of the entertainment industry, films have been mainstream. These instill valuable lessons on top of providing an avenue for recreational work. While some argue that films should solely be for entertainment, I strongly believe that they should also serve as a moral compass.

Notice how evading repetitive words through using synonymous goes a long way. Using more appropriate, formal (academic) language also goes a long way.

Best of luck as you are revising.

Writing Feedback / Summerize the information from the diagram to describe the production of milk [3]

@yenchauhoang
Next time that you ask for feedback, it would be beneficial if you could also attach the diagram to help give appropriate input on your writing. Nonetheless, here are a couple of key inputs on your writing.

Watch out for your phrasing and usage of preposition and quantifiers. I would suggest using more appropriate ones to ensure that your essay would have more of a flow.

Moreover, I would also recommend that you try to create simpler sentence structures to ensure that you are not leaving behind any vital information (could potentially be lost in translation if you would not be careful of the way you put out your words).

Evade being repetitive as well with the transition words that you use. Doing this will greatly benefit your overall content because (1) you'll save space and (2) optimize the space that you have to ensure that you use this for substantial content.

Let's revise your essay by bits.

The diagram illustrates the process in milk manufacturing in different stages. Both the complexity and variety of its production is observed.

[...] Milking is a crucial step because it affects the quality of the final product. Afterwards, milk extracted is reserved in refrigeration and delivered by a truck to a factory. [...]

Keep these in mind as you are revising! Best of luck!

Writing Feedback / Countres becoming similar / same products - comments and evaluation [2]

@tlyphuong1
Ensure that you have consistency in the forms of words that you use. Doing this will greatly improve your essay's overall structure. Furthermore, evade the usage of complex sentences not unless it is deemed necessary. An organic flow characterized with fluctuations and changes in length would always be beneficial because (1) showcases an innovative approach to writing and (2) helps you omit mistakes to maximize the space you have for your essay.

Let's revise a couple parts of your essay in accordance to the mistakes I have observed.

In the era of globalization and development of technology, variety in the range of products is essential for competitive businesses. Although many find it complicated in delivery and distribution, I believe that accessibility of products to communities helps develop the global economy.

Globalization has made it possible for goods to rapidly spread in the world. Companies can expand their factories to countries and distribute goods more efficiently.* [...]

*When you are faced with sentence structures that can be repetitive, try to use synonymous terms or have a more progressive approach to writing. This will help you in the long-run when it comes to developing your techniques for writing. For instance, you have mentioned distribution a few times already - so it would be better if you could provide an additional insight (ie. more efficient distribution) rather than blandly stating it out.

Keep these in mind. Don't hesitate to ask for more input. Best of luck to your IELTS!

Writing Feedback / The best holiday ever (Say where you went and what you saw, and explain why it was the best holiday) [2]

@HuongT
Be cautious of the forms of the words that you use in your essay. I have noticed that you have a lot of technical, grammatical mistakes sporadically throughout your writing. To evade this, you should try to be wary and aware of when you are writing to ensure that you use appropriate terminologies all throughout.

In addition to this, being more descriptive can also go a long way when you are writing. When you are writing your personal experiences, it would be better if you could use all your senses in expounding on what your emotions were as you were in that moment. Doing this will create a more in-depth feeling for your essay.

Let's revise a couple portions of your essay.

During the new year holiday last year, I was working in Japan. I visited the Japanese pagoda.* [...]

My smartphone did not have access to the internet as I was unable to register in preparation. I searched and saved maps to the destination; I found it easy to locate the pagoda! [...]

*You should try to add more specific details here. What is this pagoda called? In which area of Japan were you staying? How was the pagoda's area different from the area that you were working in? Did these changes and variations come off as interesting to you as a traveler in Japan?

Best of luck! Just remember to always be specific, innovative, and creative when you are delivering experiences - and you'll go a long way.

Graduate / Motivation letter for Application to Experimental Geoscience at The University of Bayreuth [2]

@Odunakintoye
I appreciate the introductory portion of your essay where you made mention of your background. You have sufficiently expounded why you have your extensive experiences mean that you have the necessary knowledge to take your studies further.

I would recommend that you try to integrate more information about your intention in studying. You had one paragraph dedicated to this (third to the last), however it is insufficient in providing a comprehensive outlook on why you should be granted a spot in the university. You should discuss more in-depth as to why you have chosen Germany for your studies. While you have mentioned that they have a more professional and equipped researched center, it would be great if you could be more specific. Having hold of these specific information would give you a great advantage over other people. If you can expound and showcase that you have studied and looked over the syllabus in great detail, it would show a level of dedication to the field that others would not necessarily have.

In addition to this, I think that the portion wherein you mentioned more about your extra-curricular work is irrelevant to the application - or, at the very least, it does not significantly contribute to your essay. What I would recommend is instead allocate this space to other more fruitful means. For instance, you can tackle instead of your potential interests in research (as doing advanced studies is often a sign of commitment to research-oriented work).

Best of luck!

Writing Feedback / Not only older people can be good company leaders - IELTS 2 [2]

@trannhutoan2002
Be wary of using forms that are more appropriate in the structure of your sentences. Always be consistent when it comes to writing. This is applicable in nearly all grammatical and technical aspects of writing - because ensuring that you follow through from the beginning till the end of your essay is key. Try not to create running sentences that do not have formal/functional structures.

In addition to all of this, it would be beneficial if you could also make your sentences more concise. If you have hold over this technique, you'll find that you can cut down on unnecessary words; using this will help you have more depth to your essay.

Let's try to revise a few parts of your essay in accordance to these comments.

On the one hand, younger people are energetic and enthusiastic, making them good leaders. Because most jobs require tolerance for heavily pressured work, the good health conditions of young people can help. Contrastly, the health impediments of older people make it challenging for them to handle stressful situations. Secondly, young people hold more innovative creativity than the elderly. [...]

I suggest that in the succeeding sentences after this portion, you should try to integrate more ideas on why more creative minds are from young people. You can discuss, for instance, how accessibility to modern-day technology ensures that they never run out of ideas. While, on the other hand, adapting to these newfound techniques is generally harder for older people due to their age.

Notice how merging your synonymous thoughts together creates a more dynamic approach to writing. Doing this will make sure that you do not waste space in your essay. Using words such as junior people also is seen as a less academic approach to writing it out - instead, always try to opt for more formal words when you are writing.

Think of these as you are writing. Best of luck!

Writing Feedback / Writing Task 1 : The number of new graduates and their employment in the UK from 1992 to 2002. [2]

@ledidan
Watch out for the forms of your words. Ensure that you always use the appropriate ones. Doing this will help your essay tremendously when it comes to looking more put-together.

In addition to this, try to use more relevant transition words as you are writing. This will help your essay become more fluid.

You should try to have more clarity in your writing while still exploring options you have available. Becoming more innovative in your writing goes a long way. What this means is omitting words that are becoming repetitive - and instead opting to use words are quite close to their meaning.

Let's revise a few portions of your essay.

Both the graph and the chart display information about the state of employment of new graduates from 1992 to 2002 in the UK.

The chart compares the percentages of students graduating with a third occupation within the period. While it is clear that there is a decline over the years, professional fields are preferred.

The line graph shows the rate of student graduates in 1992. The graph witnessed a spike after half a decade before experiencing a decline of 180 000 at the end of the period.

[...]

Watch out for the techniques used - and always try to use formal language. Best of luck!

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2: TOPIC Education for 18+ years [5]

@Duong Duc Minh
While I think that you have laid out perfectly your details, I think that, in terms of technicalities, there are a few things you should be wary about.

Watch out for the forms of the words that you are using. Use appropriate/relevant preposition and punctuation at all costs because these tiny slip-ups can cause you the entirety of the essay in the long-run.

Try to not be repetitive when you are describing situations. Always ensure that you would continuously reiterate sentences that are unnecessary to your content. When you are substantiating your thoughts, try to evade lines that are just adding baggage without adding information. You should always be contributing something positive/in addition to what you already have. When you find yourself having repetitive thoughts, try to always ponder and ask yourself more questions. This is useful to develop more in-depth writing.

Let's revise a few of portions of your essay.

On the one hand, staying in school until eighteen can bring benefits. Firstly, education helps people have more knowledge about universal concepts. Once they graduate, the degree they hold will also help them into adulthood. This can help eliminate social and economic issues such as unemployment.

Notice how I had tried to remove words that are unnecessary and simply merged together thoughts and concepts that are necessary for your essay's overall content. Doing this will bring more direction to your essay.

Keep these in mind as you are writing. Best of luck!

Letters / Motivation Letter for PhD Application for project on Climate Control - Business Economics Department [3]

@slidezany837
1. Be wary of excessive/lack of articles that can hinder the essay from having an academic tone. This is essential (especially since you are applying for a PhD and would be assumed to use appropriate tone).

2. When speaking of your experiences, always try to be as detailed as possible. Doing this will sharpen your content to be more engaging for the readers. This will also enable you to create more dynamic sentences.

3. Try to evade being repetitive with terminologies. As much as you can, try to utilize synonymous terms. Not only do these repetitions create unnecessary burden on your essay - but they also do not help create depth to your writing.

4. Try to be more specific when you are writing about your long-term/prospective research plans while undertaking the program. Doing this will let the evaluators see that you are not merely discussing broad topics - instead, it will showcase that you are well-aware of the direction that you wish to partake in in the future.

Having said these comments, let's look through portions of your essay that can be improved through revising.

[...]

My graduate coursework provided me with theoretical knowledge: economic models, methods, theoretical applications, and tools. This was all for holistic sustainable development. The classes enriched my understanding of the actors of sustainability: the government, organizations, and citizens. I had gained insight on common goals for development in various fields: economic, environmental, and social. My coursework examined case studies for management perceptions of various stakeholder influences in different industries - and how these affect the practices that they adapt in their respective fields. [...]

You can trim down your essay through ensuring that you do not add redundant information. Furthermore, allocating appropriate punctuation can also go a long way to ensure that you have a fluid format for your content.

Keep these in mind. Reread and revise your essay accordingly. Best of luck!

Writing Feedback / The two charts reveals the issue of nutritional value of the two selected meals [2]

@duongduong_tran
When doing technical/analytical writing, always evade using unnecessary terms that prolong the sentence. Remember that your understanding of the graphs is what matters. Doing this will create a more tailor-fit content to your essay, capitalizing on what should be emphasized. You should disregard terms that do not create depth in your analysis.

Let's revise a few portions to show you what this pertains to.

The charts reveal concerns on the nutritional values of medium-baked potatoes and macaronis in percentage. In totality, carbohydrates posses a significant portion - alongside saturated fat and other nutrients that take up smaller portions.

Medium-baked potatoes are composed of 35% carbohydrates, followed with 25% protein. Surprisingly, the third most preferred position belongs to other nutrients and glucose with their figures halve that of carbohydrates. Saturated fats come last with 10%.

The current format you are following with an inductive approach is already appreciated in this interpretation; I suggest keeping it up!

Best of luck in your writing!

Writing Feedback / Should people travel to other places to learn about the culture and live there? [3]

@yuxian719
Be wary of the forms of the verbs that you are using. Always make sure that you are using appropriate ones depending on the context/what is called for in the situation. In addition to this, I also recommend that you try to create more concise sentences through omitting lines/terms/phrases that do not substantiate your thoughts. Once you are able to trim down your thoughts into the relevant ones, you'll have more direction in your writing; and you'll be able to construct more in-depth content.

Let's revise a few portions of your essay.

Learning cultures aside from your own is an interesting topic. There are numerous ways to learn whether it's through books, movies, or other digital means. In this essay, I will describe views related to this and a personal take on the statement.

[...] Interestingly, the British Council of Culture published a website in 2015 containing various cultures. This shows the variety and complexity of other living situations that are affected as well by their political and economic standing. These resources pave way for a discussion.

Notice how in the second paragraph, I tried to create more rational and logical linkages between the sentences. Doing this will sharpen your essay's content because you'll be able to transition and have more progression in your thoughts.

Try to apply these as you are writing. Best of luck!

Writing Feedback / Sifting Multi-task Learning for Fake News Detection [3]

@stayhungry
To avoid overbearing nitpicking, I'll divide my comments into clusters; this will help you trim down how you can potentially improve your writing. In situations wherein the writing has to be in compliance of being technically aligned, it is alright to filter out unnecessary lines to ensure that you are able to showcase your information as clearly as possible.

1. When you're doing academic/technical writing, being straightforward is crucial. This is to avoid misaligned information. It is also wise to evade lines that are too opinionated. These thoughts do not have space in this particular form of essay writing as you are expected to give out factual details only. In addition to this, evade using terms that are merely superficial. (For instance, you can omit the world seriously in the second sentence of your introduction as it does not have substantial meaning in the paragraph.)

2. It is vital that you keep track of using appropriate preposition, punctuation, and grammar. When writing technical content, these small details can impact the overall quality and delivery of your essay.

3. Be cautious of small mistakes in your grammar. (For example, in the second paragraph of the introduction, the second to the last sentence should be: Fake news tend to provoke controversies compared to fake news.)

4. In line with the third point, try to avoid using unnecessary adjectives. (In relation to the sentence I corrected, there is no need for you to mention that it is a tremendous controversy as the word controversy on its own is already indicative of something big).

Keep these in mind next time you are writing. Best of luck!

Writing Feedback / Should sports and social activities be supported at colleges and universities? - TOEFL [2]

@lelett
Try to avoid repetitive language when you are writing. When you find yourself having excessive sentences, always read over everything and omit as much unnecessary text as you can. This is crucial if you are writing within the means of word counts because you need to be able to nurture your essay's meaning more when you have substantial sentences.

Watch out also for the forms of the verbs/words that you are using. Always make sure that you are consistent with the tenses that you use. If you find yourself inconsistent, try to be cautious next time you are writing.

In addition to these, I also suggest looking over the structure of your sentences. The way that you write can often appear to be dragging rather than explanatory. You should always opt for simpler structures to ensure that the information you want to deliver does not get taken out of context.

Let's revise a few portions of your essay in relation to this.

I agree that sports and social activities should receive equal financial support. Self-development is not just cultivated through studying; socialization and external interests are taken into account. There are several reasons to this.

[...]

Notice how I had used more academically correct terms (self-development instead of saying that they are significant parts of our lives, socialization instead of getting along with peers, etc.) to create more depth and dynamics in writing. Try to implement this technique throughout your essay.

Best of luck!

Writing Feedback / Should secondary students learn international news as one of their subjects [5]

@Shaha1511
Try to be cautious of the forms of verbs/words that you are using. Consistency is crucial in academic writing. In relation to this, always try to stick to a certain tone when you are writing. Having an academic/informative tone is important.

When you're writing within a word count, I always recommend being more concise with your words. Doing this will help you trim your word count.

Let's revise a couple parts of your essay accordingly.

Secondary students are proposed to have exposure to international news. I have reservations regarding this due to some reasons.

Students in this level are too young to have a deep and clear understanding about the world. [...]

I recommend changing the arguments following this portion. It is insufficient for you to say that lack of access to up-to-date information would be a reason to have this as a subject matter. Instead, focus more on how this age is a pivotal moment for them to learn more fundamental subjects.

Keep these in mind as you are writing. Best of luck!

Not giving out a specific band, but I believe you're heading towards the right direction. Just keep writing.

Writing Feedback / Students today can easily access information online, so libraries are no longer necessary? [2]

@Brenna Vo
Watch out for the formatting of the structure of your sentences. I have noticed that you have a tendency to add unnecessary phrases that do not contribute anything to your essay's content. What I would suggest is that you try to be more concise in your writing through having more straightforward structures. Doing this will help you sharpen your writing skills in the long-run.

Let's revise a couple of lines.

The internet has made people prefer reading information online over through books and magazines in libraries. From my perspective, even though there are benefits from the internet, libraries are still superior.. [...]

Notice how I had tried to evade using repetitive terminologies and attempted to trim down the word count as much as possible through removing lines that are unnecessary. I had also tried to integrate more techniques when it comes to moving between sentences/thoughts (ie. placing in the correct punctuation). Doing this will enrich your writing style more.

Keep these in mind as you are writing and revising. Best of luck!

Writing Feedback / To improve road safety, it is not enough to punish more harshly those who violate the law [3]

@vietable
Let's look at your essay technically and in terms of content to fully assess it.

First and foremost, I would be wary of your usage of relative pronouns. When you cannot structure these items properly, it can affect the overall output that you have in your essay. What I would suggest is always trying to reread your sentences out loud so that you may be able to tell which portions come off as unnatural.

In addition to this, I suggest being more cautious when it comes to constructing your sentences. Once you have gotten this out of the way, you'll be able to create more concise structures that will let you optimize the space that you have in your essay.

Giving out generalized terminologies before proceeding to the technical/specifics will also help you create a more dynamic/deductive outline. Establishing your content like this will help you have more of a flow for your essay that is more reasonable.

Let's revise a few portions of the essay in accordance to these guidelines.

Stricter punishments are necessary to reduce the danger of driving offenses. However, I strongly disagree that this is the only way to improve road safety because of other alternatives.[...]

Notice how I had tried to evade using repetitive terminologies. And instead of beating around the bush to expound the thoughts, a more straightforward approach to writing will always be preferred over other means.

In terms of content, I suggest that you try to add more details and specifics. While you have given brief examples, they are not quite as detailed as would be preferred for you to truly expound on your thoughts and opinions on the topic given to you. It's insufficient for you to explain the scenario - instead, try to allocate space in actually discussing ideas through concrete experiences.

Keep these in mind as you are revising. Best of luck!

Scholarship / I write this part to send to a global volunteer program, help me on grammar and word choice. [2]

@vo thi tam
Your mistakes were primarily due to technical/grammatical issues you had while writing. This includes details including but not limited to punctuation, placement of phrases, structure, and usage of relative pronouns. To know how to create more appropriate content, try to review the underlying terminologies behind these in order to evade potential issues.

In addition to these, I also suggest that you try to use lines that are more academically correct. What this means is try to evade hanging thoughts/sentences that do not have formal structures because it's quite necessary for you to be stringent in these measures when writing essays.

Let's revise a few portions of your essays in accordance to these.

Location: Da Nang Center, a support center for Agent Orange victims, located in Hoa Nhon Commune, Hoa Vang District, Da Nang City, Vietnam.

Time: Once a month from the 31st of August 2018

Job Description: We collect clothes, bags, books, teddy bears, and other belongings from friends, family members, and neighbors to bring to the center. Most people in the area are victims of the Vietnamese-American War. There are also orphans and children from impoverished families whose parents can no longer provide for them. We have accumulated a total of over 10 million Vietnamese Dong (roughly $500 USD) for the fundraising campaign. These donations are allocated to school supplies for consistent educational support.

[...]

Try to observe how I implemented the techniques in this essay. Best of luck!