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Posts by fauziyahtami
Name: Fauziyah
Joined: Sep 26, 2016
Last Post: Oct 31, 2016
Threads: 22
Posts: 38  
Likes: 6
From: Indonesia
School: University of Indonesia

Displayed posts: 60 / page 1 of 2
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fauziyahtami   
Sep 26, 2016
Writing Feedback / In 1981 butter was the most popular spread among others [2]

The graph below show the consumption of 3 spreads from 1981 to 2007 Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

The line graph shows the information about the consumption of 3 spreads from 1981 to 2007. Overall, there are three spreads: margarine, low fat & reduced spreads and butter. It is noticeable that butter was the most popular of the three spreads in 1981.

Between 1981 until 1986, Butter consumption increased from around 140 to a peak 160 grams per year. During the same period, consumption of margarine decreased from around 90 to 80 grams per year while low fat & reduced spreads had not consumed yet until 1996.

By 2007, butter had significant descended since the first year. The highest consumption of spread is low fat and reduced spreads that had significant rose since the 1960's, to approximately 70 grams per year. The second place, occupied by butter with approximately consumption 50 grams per year. The lowest consumption of spread is margarine with average consumption 40 grams per year.



  • Line chart
fauziyahtami   
Sep 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / In 2015 export of dairy products had dominated comparing to other products [2]

Halo, you have done great
I will try to give some advice

... exports of Someland which devided (typing error divided ) into two earner (plural you should have to add (s )): product, meat and dairy; international tourism.
In 2005 meat product (you could added 's' if it's for more than one product) decreased gradually from ...
On the another product (s ), dairy product had fluctuated (...); 2015, increasengly (typo increasingly ) to point 8 USD and the prediction decreased steadly (typo steadily or steady ) into approximately 7,8 USD.

It rose gradually, stood at about (...) rise of international tourism wiil be happened (happening --> using future continous) in 2025 at around 8 USD (you can directly say "around 8 USD")

Thank you :)
fauziyahtami   
Sep 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / The number of export commodities and service from Someland in one decade [2]

Halo, you have done great
I will try to give you some advice

The bar chart shows (you can use another word like describes, presents, indicates etc) the number of export ...
However, the dairy products had a slight (you can change into slightly ) different proportion from ...

In the 2005 (you do not have to use the ), the rate of international travel ...

good luck :)
fauziyahtami   
Sep 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Anthony Goldbloom's new perspective on what machines can and can't do [4]

Hi Ledha, you have done great
I will try to give you some suggest

... of machine learning and it brings together hundreds of thousands of experts to solve important problems for ... (you can change the position it brings hundreds of thousands of experts together to solves important problems for ...

... 10.000 essays over a 40 years (you do not have to add a ) career, an Ophthalmologist s...
... against machines, however (you have to add (,) ) there are things that a machine can't do. One of them is tackling a novel situations (it's singular when you use a and plural for situations . It doesn't (isn't ) capable to handle (you can change capable of handling ) thing they haven't seen ...

good luck :)
fauziyahtami   
Sep 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Comparing car theft - numbers of robbed vehicles in different countries [4]

Helo rizal, you have done great
I have some advice for you

..., in the last year on 1999 (using in for indicates year).
... two peak points in the 1992 and 1996 (in 1992 and 1996 ) to almost 20,000 vehicles ...
... movement in which the number of car(s ) robbed intersected with Sweden in the 1991 (in 1991) then finally ...
The next illustration, cars robbed in Sweden always increased (you can also use increased steadily or increased gradually or rose ) from the first year from more ...

Good luck :)
fauziyahtami   
Sep 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / THE NUMBER OF FOREIGN STUDENTS HAD INCREASED SIGNIFICANTLY AND IT HAD BEEN DOMINATED BY MALE. [4]

The bar chart below gives information about the number of students studying computer science at a UK university between 2010 and 2011

The bar chart presents the number of students studying computer science at the university in Britain from 2010 to 2012. Overall, it can be seen that there are two kinds of students: British home students and International students. British home students dominated quantity of computer science students in the UK for three years in both of females and males.

Between 2010 and 2012, British's home female students had the highest number in 2012 at 45 percent while the lowest number in 2010 around 30 percent. In the opposite, International students had dramatically lower than native students. Females who were studying abroad increased steadily from less than 15 percent (2010) to 20 percent (2012).

In 2011, British male home students had the lowest proportion. By 2012, the number of male students came from British country had increased from less than 25 percent in 2011 to the highest proportion at approximately 43 percent. On the other hand, International male students climbed from 20 percent in 2010 to nearly 40 percent in 2012.




fauziyahtami   
Sep 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / The hidden light of Afghanistan (TED Summary) [4]

Helo fauzan
I will try to give you some suggest

Million people died and deportated (typo deported) have successfully spend most of citizens in this country (your sentence is unclear, you can give more explanation ; if you use "and", you have to use equivalent word, died people cannot spend their life in the country like deported people, my suggestion is you can make another sentence instead to explain the deported people for example The survivors spent their whole life in this country or in Afganistan).

... lose their humble and kind hearted (this sounds little bit strange, maybe you can use another word like feeling or characteristics) behind (maybe you can use another word like after) of the destruction. They still share their tea, breads (pieces of bread ) and prayer (tea, bread and prayer are not equivalent, use another word or close the sentence and make another one instead to explain prayer ) to other people even foreigner that come (came ) to their country.

... and struggle of people who (that ) always ready to (be) attacked by Taliban ...
Thank you Ms. Bulaj to share us (for sharing us ) (about ) the hidden light of Afghanistan.

Good Luck :)
fauziyahtami   
Sep 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Summary of TED The secret, social lives of bacteria (Bonnie Bassler) [4]

Helo ivan,
You have done great but let me give you some advice

... the earth contain only (a ) few genetic materials, is (had ) known as Bacteria.They are (a) single cell with (...) all of the traits to be heritaged (inherited) and expressed(They are a single cell with special property and genes that combine into trait code and then will be inherited and expressed.

They play important roles to (the) human being (...), and even theeducate (this word sounds little bit strange, you may use another word like trigger, push, thrive etc) our immune systems to recognize the dangerous bacteria (if you use "and" you have to use equivalent word and cannot give explanation only for one word like you did for immune system, you can make any sentence to explain it) ==>Immune system has responsibility tokeep (fight ) dangerous out of our body. moreover, they can defend and restrain human body from danger-threatening disease (you have explained before, chose the sentence, which one you wanna use). 99% part of (the ) human anatomy is contained by them and seems like invisible body armor which shield our body from something dangerous (you have explained before, you can summarize three sentences above into one sentence clearly ).

... can regulate their social live (life ) ?.
... ocean bacteria named Vibrio fischery (typo fishery ), illuminating bacteria, which ...

Good Luck :)
Best regards, Tami
fauziyahtami   
Sep 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Summary article_Happy People Make Their Spouses Healthier [3]

Helo david,
you have done great, let me give you some suggest

... study about why people whose (who had a )partner are happier likely to be healthy.
... until 2012(.) and found the result shows that married couples who are informed are a happier spouses also noticed by havefeeling better better feeling they had after.

Good Luck :)
Best regards, Tami
fauziyahtami   
Sep 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / How to speak powerfully to make changes in the world. [3]

TED Summary- How to speak so that people want to listen

The human voice is the most powerful sounds in the world. How to speak powerfully to make changes in the world. There are number of habits that we can avoid. First gossiping, speaking about the others flaw. Second, judging, people who judge the others is hard to be heard. Third, negativity, someone who had negative thinking will be hard to be listened. Forth, Complaining, people who always complaining cannot look for good reasons in their life. Fifth, Excusing, they are blaming on everything, put the responsibility to another people and then take the rest. Sixth, lying, people do not want to hear to something untruth. Seventh, dogmatism, it is difficult to be heard. The thing we could do to be more powerful to speak is to greet or acclaim enthusiastically. First, Honesty, being true and clear. Authenticity, just be yourself and standing in your own way. Integrity, being what you said. Love, wish them well, you will be hard to judge other people.

Lower your voices which mean you can associate powerful. Timbre, The way your voice feels like smooth and warm, you can practice making your voice comfortable to be heard. Prosody, root one for a conversation, makes a conversation more colorful and sometimes makes some divergent meaning. Pace, affect the speed of understanding. Pitch, attract people concern to you. Volume, some people ascend or descend their voices to pay attention. Be a powerful speaker and get convince listener, means creating and receiving.
fauziyahtami   
Sep 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / Summary-Immortalising Human Brains at The World's Largest Brain Bank [4]

Nowadays, In the medical field, they used to using brains for medical research. They need a fresh brain that has to arrive in 24 hours after died at least. Jorge Tejada and his team had found effectively frozen brain. The process takes about 17 hours since the moment of death until arriving at McLean Hospital and have to be removed intact and transported rapidly.

First, a brain is weighed, after that then sliced in half rinsed in sterile saline. There are two different way treatments. A half brain sliced from front to back and the cerebellum (key structure) removed. The slices placed into two plates and directly frozen using a cocktail of dry ice and liquid nitrogen. This way aims to minimize tissue damage. The frozen slices are then saved into deep freeze until needed. The other hemisphere is treated for examining and dissect needs. The hemisphere is soaked in formalin for few weeks.
fauziyahtami   
Sep 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / Summary --- How Exercise Helps You Age Better [4]

Helo fox,
You've done great. I had some suggest for you

==> ... for older people usually only helps help them to avoid ...
==> ... initial onset of disability but was also effective in promoting ...
==> ... in Preventing subsequent episodes of disability." (Gill continued )
==> ... that exercise can also help them to spend time with useful activities.
==> ... recover faster if they suffered (an ) injury to their health.

Good luck and keep fighting :)
Best Regards, Tami
fauziyahtami   
Sep 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / Task 1- Energy Generation by Fuel Type [3]

The pie charts illustrate about energy generation by fuel type in Florida in two separated years. Overall, the charts show the trend fuel in 2007 and trend prediction in 2017. It is clear that Natural gas is the most popular fuel in 2007 and is predicted will ascend in 2017, whereas renewables at the lowermost.

In 2007, Florida Natural gas consumption is less than two-fifths, and the amount of Natural gas by average Florida predicted will rise to just over a half in 2017. During the same period, Nuclear utilizing is predicted will climb from 11,9 percent to 15,9 percent.

By 2017, several consumption of energy is predicted will be plummeting. Coral consumption is depicted to descend to approximately 23,7 percent. On the other hand, renewable has a very small number and will plunge to 1,5 percent in 2017. Other energy estimated to sharp drop from just over one in ten to less than one in twenty, while oil plunge to a small number.




fauziyahtami   
Sep 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / Suzanne Simard: How trees talk to each other (TED Summary) [4]

Haloo sar,
Hope you are in a great condition, let me give you some suggest

==> (The/a) forest is not only about trees, (...) system that (which) connected(to) each other.
==>research discovery by (a/the) scientist while it present ...
==> She shared her story (about) when she was in Canada.....
==> ........ main building from (at/ in) the forest.
==>(The) Objects in her study were ......
==> ...... not a linkage (to) each other.
==> As an(a) conclusion, she explained about (the) correlation between (...) and climate change, in (at) the end

Good luck and keep fighting
Best regards, Tami:)
fauziyahtami   
Sep 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / Summary of article Bouncy bone can be 3D-printed to become a universal repair kit By Andy Coghlan [3]

Helo ivan,
Hope you are in a great condition
You are done great, let me give you some suggest

==> Medical prespective (Perspective ) which ........t 3D-print flexibe (flexible ) bone.
==> Either way, this material is rather frigile (fragile ) because
==> i can not to be remodelled during which.
==> student at Universuty (university ) of Northwestern, have developed advance ink (had developed advance ink )

you seem done many typos, this sounds unimportant but this is quiet interfere your IELTS score, you have to check your word first before post

Good luck and keep fighting
Best regard, Tami :)
fauziyahtami   
Sep 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / African social dance which influenced the world [2]

Helo
Let me help you to correct your summary, here my suggestion

==> This dance ....... dance belong to (a) group.
==> Actually, many type(s) of this dance, Brown said more less (than) thirty motions are (...) and Afro-American. but ==> (New sentence) to make it simply, I(In this case) I (only) took only two examples; Charleston and Hip-hop.

==> Those dance(s) more popular among Africa(n) people .
==> Charleston is (a) complex dance that need(s) more improvisation while hip-hop which it is happening in the world.
==> From Teenager to adult like this danceuntil old people are dancing this.

==> In question is why social dance ...(The question is why is social dance so popular in Africa?)
==> ... slavery affected suffering to African people .
==> By dance(dancing) they (can) express and protest ...
==> As result, dance took ....... African dance make(s) boundaries blurred.
==> These dance (This dance / these dances)(aim) to express in(their) social relation, intimacy and freedom.

Good luck and keep fighting
best regards, Tami :)
fauziyahtami   
Sep 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / Summary- China wants its nuclear industry to grow dauntingly fast [2]

Nowadays, China's utility is quite high. Due to the fact that energy consumption will increase dramatically in 2030 as a prediction. The government planned to expand nuclear power massively. China started their first nuclear plant in 1994. China has 36 reactors in operation and 20 else under construction. Four have been approved and the others still in the planning stages. By 2030, China targeted to increase their nuclear power up to 9%. Nuclear generation capacity will have increased eightfold over the same period.

After Fukushima disaster in 2011, the Chinese authorities halted the nuclear project. They asked the government to check safety system of a nuclear plant. This year, Government had resolved to take care of its nuclear-energy programme. Government ambitious to reduce pollution in china by reducing greenhouse-gas emissions and ambition to expertise in nuclear, so they need to emerge their nuclear.

Chinese are happy that they will have friendly environment power, but they demand safety system. Early this year, the government acknowledge that its safety system still inadequate. In April, a national nuclear safety system was revealed. Debora Selingohn of the University of California said that she believes that government can keep and handle safety standard tightly.
fauziyahtami   
Sep 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / TED summary: How does my brain work? [2]

When we park a car in the parking area then we walk into the mall and back, we have to remember where is the car. The hippocampus has memorizing responsibility. Brain made by a hundred billion neurons. Neurons communicate with each other by sending a signal. There is a brain research with rat, that shows the way brain remembers. Brain cells illustrated in the picture with colors. When a rat was put into the box and let move around to looking for food, cells show something like a fire sort but when the box expands the fire location are expanded. In a border puts into the box, fire sort will emerge at the location where the border. There are few cells consist boundary cells, place cells, grid cells, head-direction cells, visual imagery. All the cells are connected to make a pattern like a map. The brain will make a map of a place by exploring around. The brain will record every boundary, the more spacious a location the more fire sort are made. We could people to remember a way or place by walking around.
fauziyahtami   
Sep 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / Writing Task 1 - the proportions of students attending [4]

Helo Abraham,
Hope you doing well, let me give you some input.
Please kindly check it out

==> ... attending in 4 different educational institutions (.)(New sentence)are the specialist, grammar, voluntary-controlled ...(this sentence is too long, maybe you can make it short)
==> ... educational institutions the total of presented students decreases (ed) over the time.
==> By contrast, (school) community school has a significant increase ...

==> To begin (First/ at the beginning), voluntary was the dominance in pupils attending at 52%(I'm sorry, I did not get what you mention) , compared by (the) grammar which ...

==> ... although it showed a slight decrease(d) to 38% and followed by (the) grammar which (...) was the least decrease which only by(at) 1%.

In this case, maybe you can give the table, it will help to correct your work

Good luck and keep fighting
Best regards, Tami :)
fauziyahtami   
Sep 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / Article Summary: Shadow on the South China Sea [4]

Helo erwin,
Hope you doing well, let me give you several suggest
Please kindly check it out.

==>The second is about the spaces inbetween /(of) the tiny islands and that predominantly concerns ...
==> This was no country consistently occupied or administered them(No countries stood on their area) . The bureau did not have the means(permission) to assess the islands itself ...

In this case, maybe you can extend the summary by sharpening and deepening the main idea
Good Luck and keep fighting
Best regards, Tami :)
fauziyahtami   
Sep 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / Most of the money in Ireland, Italy, Spain, Sweden and Turkey went on food, drinks and tobacco [3]

The table provides the information on consumer spending on different items in several countries in 2002. Overall, there are five countries: Ireland, Italy, Spain, Sweden and Turkey. It can be seen that most of the money in five countries spent on food, drinks and tobacco, otherwise, Leisure/ education are the least and clothing/ footwear at the second place.

In 2002, Turkey has a significant proportion of Food, drinks, tobacco consumer spending than the other countries at 32,14 percent. Ireland was at the second place at 28,91 percent, followed by Spain at less than a fifth. Besides, Sweden has the smallest number at 15,77 percent. The middle column describes consumer spending of clothing/ footwear, where Italy was at the first position at 9 percent, followed by Turkey, Spain, and Ireland in a lower position. The smallest number has owned by Sweden at just over than 5 percent.

Interestingly, the percentage shows that Leisure/ education spending has the smallest number compared the others. In this case, Turkey also at the first position at 4,35 percent consumption. Spain has the fewest number at 1,98 percent. Second, third and fourth position respectively occupied by Sweden, Italy, and Ireland.




fauziyahtami   
Oct 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / Differences in rates of various evening courses at an adult education center [3]

Task 1- The number of women and men attending various evening courses

The bar chart provides the differences in rates of various evening course at an adult education center are attended by women and men in the year 2009 and the pie chart indicates the percentage of age group. Overall, Women tended to enroll language course while men tended to choose painting class. At first glance, it can be seen that most of course participant are in the 50+ age group.

In this case, woman who attended language class represented 40 percent in total followed by painting class. In the opposite, men made up the largest number in the painting class at around a quarter followed by language class at a fifth. Women who enroll sculpture accounted for the smallest number at around below one in twenty while men have the same number of drama and sculpture course at 10 percent.

Turning the pie chart, most of the participant of evening course was filled by the 50+ age group at 42 percent. However, the gap between 40-49 age group and 30-39 age group widened significantly with 26 percent of 40-49 age group compared to 16 percent for 30-39 age group. Participant in the under 20 age group was doubled narrow compared by 20-29 age group at 5 percent.




fauziyahtami   
Oct 3, 2016
Writing Feedback / TED Summary: A Rich Life with Less Stuff: The Minimalists [4]

Hi,
hope you doing well, lemme give you some suggestion

==> Unfortunately, the joyful he wished for had never beenthere (happened).
==> Luckily, Joshua Fields Millburn, whomthen becomes his partner in running a ...
==> did (gave) him a favor by introducing the concept of 'simplifying life', (introducing the) meaning (of) that living with less stuff, less stress, fewer --> for countable (less) distraction--> uncountable, you cannot use few ,

==> more time, more meaningful relationships, more growth, and contributions. Not a perfect life as defined by the most of people (such) as making much ...

==> Furthermore, ............. belongings which he managed to have over ...
==> then unpacked later for daily purpose that he needs only some items he needs for daily purposes .
==> This (is) finally woke him up, that how useless the rest of goods which supposed to make him happier. --> that the rest of goods ...

==> Realizing the importance of his life experiences, he then (then he) decided to start ...
Their first visitors were 52 people, and then turned (increased) in to 500 users,..

Good luck and keep writing :)
fauziyahtami   
Oct 3, 2016
Writing Feedback / Strangers are not dangerous - we should talk to them keeping in mind cultural differences [6]

Hello yonathan
Hope you doing well, lemme give you some suggestion

==> In many parts of the world (you can also use--> any parts, or in the worldwide) , people are raised (tended) to believe that stranger is dangerous.

==> But (in the opposite or on the other side or by contrast) , Kio stated that most (...) we have (to) erased the assumption and (the) category about(of) other people.

==> Categorise (categorize) people in physical (...) is not valid(Categorize people in physical appearance such as black or white is not proper)(Asian (people) cannot juxtaposed with black or white (colour) due to both of word had different meaning) and we have(to) seen another people as an individual.

==> When someone wishes(-->eager) (to) talks to stranger(,) one thing important (thing) is to realise about the culture where you live in. (adapt to the cultures where you stand on/ live in)

==> In several (-->few, certain) countries, people have more(a tight privacy) and easily getting annoyed (--> disturbed, upset) if annoyed if you(if someone) talk to them.

==>In other countries, it is rude(not polite/ impolite) to ignore people(someone) and you should (have to) build a conversation.
==>Talk(ing) to a dog or baby also ...

Good luck and keep writing :)
fauziyahtami   
Oct 3, 2016
Writing Feedback / Global Population growth, box by box - new analog teaching technology [2]

Hello,
Lemme give you some suggestion

==> Hans Rosling was launching(had launched) a brand new analog teaching ...
==> the blue box contains (ed) one billion people that were for the industrialized world, and the green box has (had) two billion people that were for developing countries.

==> There was a big gap between [...] be able to buy a pair of shoes.(this sentence is too long, you can divide into two sentences)

==> .., and it's overdue to upgrade that(the) mindset and that (the) taxonomy of the ...

Good luck and keep writing :)
fauziyahtami   
Oct 3, 2016
Writing Feedback / Why helmets don't prevent concussions and what might; TED [6]

Bicycling is one of children concussion causes. The helmet hasn't assessed the ability to protect the brain from concussion. Helmets has not assessed for protection ability. Many experts believe that concussion cannot be prevented. Shortly, concussion process occurs when brain smacked with skull and getting damaged and injured. This theory is not all right since probably concussion is more than impact but deeper. There is a space inside of the brain, only a few millimeters from skull which contain cerebral spinal fluid. The function of spinal fluid is to protect the brain so that the brain just shifted slightly. The brain illustrated as a rigid object, but in fact, the brain is a softest organ. When the brain moves back and forward, the brain was twisting, turning and contorting and the tissues are getting starched. A concussion is unlikely something at the surface but something deeper in the center.

A simulation which recorded by mouth-guard showed the red spot. The red spot described that brain tissues are 50% starched from the particular area while the blue spot is around exterior has only 10 % starched. Corpus callosum is the lobes at the center of the brain. The ex-football player had larger lobes than normal. His corpus callosum getting chronic traumatic encephalopathy which had a lot of death tissue. The point of decrease concussion is to slow down our head movement.
fauziyahtami   
Oct 4, 2016
Writing Feedback / Common Painkillers 'increase heart failure risk' [6]

Hi sari,
I do like read your summary, lemme give you some suggestion

==> ... towards people who (routinely/ often / regularly) consume NSAIDs (...) people who do not eat(consume/ use) this drug.
==> Researchers from (the) UK through survey study (...) countries such as UK (did you mean Britain or the whole UK?), Netherlands, Italy...
==> Patients should use this drug with caution(Patients who consume NSAID have to read the dosage instruction clearly),
==> for instance, high dose usage was avoided by them(Do not consume more than daily dosage) and (do not use for long period of time without doctor's supervision).

==> Study from BHF also revealed (that) painkiller is kind of (...) and patients who want to use painkiller should have previous discussion with their doctor(patient have to consult with doctor before use NSAID) , in order to avoid the worst damage(side effects) .

==> ... who consume the painkiller regularly their kidneys should be much concerned by them(should give much concern on their kidney) .
... for example, if they have inflammation indication(symptom) .

Good luck and keep writing :)
fauziyahtami   
Oct 4, 2016
Writing Feedback / TED summary- A New Way to Heal Hearts without Surgery [2]

One of a hundred child in a worldwide has some kind of heart disease. The problem starts during pregnancy. The fetus needs to survive by communicating with the system and pulmonary blood inside their mother. After child getting birth, the communication has to stop and if it doesn't close it will make a hole in the child's heart. This phenomenon caused by prematurity and genetics condition. Major surgery is the only one solution to close the hole, yet Mr. Frenz Freudenthal and team have found a way to solve this problem by using a coil. This method was a success but it doesn't work on the baby who lives at 12,000 feet high. They have different heart conditions, their orifice between the arteries is larger. The baby cannot afford to be treated and die. The coil is only success in a half of Bolivia. Mr. Frenz and team tried to make a new device by using a traditional weaving complex pattern. The weaving let them created a seamless device. The device designed with a smart material that will not rust. It works by expands itself to be a complex structure. The device enters to the baby through the natural channel. The doctor only carries on the device close to the catheter through the hole, it will expand and close the hole. This method is no need a surgery and only takes 30 minutes. They committed to make sure that no one child is left behind, so they started to develop a foundation with one to one model. Everyone device mounted, everyone free device will be given.

Source: ted.com/talks/franz_freudenthal_a_new_way_to_heal_hearts_without_surgery#t-524414
fauziyahtami   
Oct 4, 2016
Writing Feedback / SUMMARYS The colorful propaganda maps in 20 century wars [4]

Helo bams,
Hope you doing well, lemme give you some suggestion

==> Maps made to persuade to the public during war times were funy, attractive and informative( this sentence tend to make me confuse).
==> This is occurance(This occurred or happened) during 20 century, every maps has(was a) hidden agenda,
==> it is clear to convince to the public that war is must have and they has common enemies.(tend to make me confuse)
==> this map reveal detils(details) about politics, art and cultur(e) of the countries.
==> The main actor of this map revealed by (a) big octopus with (a) big body (which has a big body) and long tentacles (to) reaching out in all directions,..

==> ... European are depicted as (the) victim of Rusia colonialism. In addition, war map can be seen (as) international situation in one picture, and make fast the spread of information in the world(tend to make me confuse).

==> Pople will easy to (easily) understand the information but several persons it called propaganda(tend to make me confuse)

Good luck and keep writing :)
fauziyahtami   
Oct 5, 2016
Writing Feedback / Some think that foreign language better to be taught since elementary school rather than high school [2]

Question:
Some experts believe that it is better for children to begin learning a foreign language at primary schools rather than secondary school.
Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?


Some people think that foreign language better to be taught since elementary school rather than high school. People have the different view about this statement. In this case, there are several advantages of this view but also have disadvantages.

To begin, foreign language is a necessary for modern worldwide population due to the fact that technology was growing up rapidly and using International language. The newest knowledge comes from around the world, for instance, new journal or news written in English. Secondly, according to the sentence before, children will easily upgrading their knowledge everywhere and anywhere, by using technology. Third, Children at primary school are more easily to receive overseas language than the secondary school. Finally, by learning a foreign language earlier, it can make student accustomed with the foreign language.

Nevertheless, learning International language at the first grade will heighten student education burden. Every semester, for example, students have to pass many subject exams including foreign language. By adding overseas language subject into a curriculum, it will confiscate their playing time to study instead. For example, they have to study language at school and do some assignment at home, while it can be uses for playing with their friends.

In conclusion, I firmly agree that foreign language rather be taught since primary school than at secondary school. The advantage of this view more than the disadvantages. According to the benefits, it can be a consideration to add International language subject at elementary school curriculum.
fauziyahtami   
Oct 6, 2016
Writing Feedback / Government should pay more attention to the encouragement in altering the energy resources [3]

Hello Rizaldo,
I do like to read your essay. lemme give you some suggestion

... should be improved as the government(s) are the central attention...

To begin with, when the government support [...] be more effective and valuable to succeed.(what is the relationship between support for the energy resource changes and to obey more on obligation? I think you have to deepen your explanation, make it clear and connect) .

.., as the biggest greenhouse gases emitters, officially ratified the Paris Climate Change Agreement in September 2016, it will be the proof that government show the leadership and lead by example . (I think you can add the result of agreement, so it makes your statement stronger)

.., try to cut the use of coal for industries and give the choices to ... (how to cut the uses of coal? by regulation maybe. you can sharpen your example by using 5W 1 H) .

Overall you've done great.
Good luck and keep writing :)
fauziyahtami   
Oct 6, 2016
Writing Feedback / The authority is required to create publicity for familiarizing renewable sources of energy [3]

Hello abraham,
I do like read your essay
You have done great, yet let me give you some suggestion

==> ... authority is required to create publicity forfamiliarizing (familiarising) renewable sources of energy.
... that foster another resources will carry a large number of upsides(you can exacerbate your statement by adding support words, ie. especially to overcome global warming--> makes your statement getting stronger)

==>On the one hand. Firstly, the non-renewable energy ...
Afterward(s), these would be more accessible ...
. (You have given several intense benefits of alternative energy, yet from the former to the latter, you haven't given at least one real example and also the result of your instance)

==> ... solar power in Chinua region to fulfill society's needs especially electricity. After implementing this idea, Chinua society's life... (your statement clearly show up, you should have to make the paragraph before as clear as this passage)

==> In conclusion, (...) could be utiliz (s)ed due to its limitation.

Good luck and keep writing :)
fauziyahtami   
Oct 6, 2016
Writing Feedback / Children can be introduced to a foreign language from their first years of study [3]

All children should study a foreign language in school starting in the earliest grades. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Some people from around the world think that a foreign language needs to be taught at the school since earliest grade. I firmly agree with this view that children can be introduced to foreign language from their first year, especially English as the international language.

According to the statement above that English needs to be taught to earliest school-age children. Due to the fact that children's brain can easily process several languages simultaneously with their intelligence development. Refer to Piaget's theory of cognitive development that Middle childhood is the best moment for the child to gain new skills including language skill. For instance, almost throughout the developed countries, students at kindergarten have been introduced to English by story-telling, sing a song during studying process. To result, this method had successfully devoted children's ability to speak bilingual. In addition, nowadays every technology is using English for every instruction. Giving a child a gadget is a notable to support child needs such as for education or even playing a game. By learning English at school, it drives child easily to using the gadget, so they have the ability to understand the instruction of the application on the gadget.

Nevertheless, an overseas language is a necessary for this decade, a teacher does not have to take a focus only on it, as children need social education rather than language education to build up their social environment and form the personality. At playgroup, for instance, the student not only learns about alphabet or number but also learn build friendship in their new environment, playing in a group which means tolerance is a must. This character formation will affect their future.

To concluded, I completely believe that an overseas language is a need that could be taught since the first-year school. Although English is an assertion for this develop the world, social education needs to be juxtaposed with language education.
fauziyahtami   
Oct 6, 2016
Writing Feedback / People have different views regarding the best age to learn new languages [3]

Dear Vina,
Hope you enjoy your night, yet lemme give you some suggestions

==> ... should start learning other languan ges and should not ...
==> However, this view may bring [...] disadvantages may occur in the later stages(you have mentioned this statement previously, I think you can straight to the point by reducing this sentence or mix both of sentence).

==> On the one hand, picking up a foreign ... They are more likely to speak it more confidently ...(I didn't get the relation between the first sentence and the further, perhaps you may strengthen your explanation by connecting both of sentences)

==> .., they may not facing(face) the cultural shock and able to (...) purpose like (such as) studying.
==>Obviously, they become more knowledgeable and more open-minded which ... (You have mentioned your idea and the explanation but there is no example, you have to add at least one heavy example)

==> On the other hand, graders studying only three or four years in the school (school? which level? primary or secondary school?) even at that moment do not ...

==> .., even if there are loose ends (you may complete your instance by using 5W 1 H, definitely, you already were known).
==> ... his native language perfectly, it is useless to learn a foreign dialect for him (what does it mean? students must be well known about their native language automatically, and what's the matter with a foreign dialect? it's possible to give more explanation or exacerbate your statement)

==> In conclusion, I believe that teaching a foreign language would be more appropriate at primary ... (you've done great, you have declared clearly. still, you can add support conclusion such as an advice, due to the benefits, government may force primary school gain a foreign language as a subject)

Good luck and keep writing vin :)
fauziyahtami   
Oct 10, 2016
Writing Feedback / IDEAS WORTH DATING, ideas which will be matched with character, [3]

Helo rosa,
hope you doing well
well, you've done graet (great), yet lemme give you some suggestion

==> A 45-year-old white man was trying(tried) to uncover (...) which will be match(ed) with his character, (...) out of his comfort zone (as) home.

... people who he thought will have appropriate (his) visions with him .
==> .., Ron Finley (the one ) who believes that (...), because (since) (the) food is(gives)the(any) problem but food is also the solution, (Even though foods give some trouble but foods also be a solution) .

==> Then he moved(came) to meet Eric McKean - a dictionary editor- who (...) to put as much (many) words into the dictionary.
==> .., in his opinion, (a) human has
===> ... decision we have no power(which means)powerless means no change we will have (we cannot (change anything) .

Good luck and keep writing :)
fauziyahtami   
Oct 10, 2016
Writing Feedback / Bird Migration - Animals normally move to a land to breeding [3]

Animals normally move to a land to breeding and move back to their habit to spend a whole of the year, this phenomenon called migration. Over the centuries, observers attracted to learn about bird migration. Nature shows how they respond the biological imperative for species to thrive and overspread into all possible ecological niche by migration that serves a decisive condition for a few species to breed and raising a baby.

Birds travel to higher traverse curing warm season to breeding and return back for non-breeding period. Migration offers the optimal condition to breeding and feeding. Most of the birds are migrated to Northern hemisphere. None of the species is known migrate to Southern hemisphere to breeding but seabirds.

Even though almost birds migration to the lower or higher latitudes of the Northern Hemisphere, there also many species are trans-equatorial, which means they breed in the Northern side and live in the Southern land. For example, the arctic tern that breeds in the arctic territory and winter in antarctic waters travels about 24,000 miles per year.

Some species take a short migration, such as breeding in the higher altitudinal, imminent or at the top of mountains and spend all the non-propagation season around by close neighbouring valley or the other nearby low country. This is the type of grouse species migration and also ptarmigan, an arctic grouse. The rock ptarmigan had never left the elevated arctic tundra while breeding season. They usually spend the breeding period at the top of the uncovering place arctic summit and the winter season in nearby valleys, bearing the coldest part on earth.

Most of the bird only can fly from six to eight hours per day across several hundred miles but sometimes they have to flights further if through long water flow or other condition such as deserts or mountain. Many species cross the Gulf of Mexico, for instance, they generally have to fly away continuously over 1,000 miles, to approximately 24 hours to 36 hours or longer. There is any non-stop bird use the bar-tailed godwit during migration, so they will cross over 11,000 miles from Alaska to New Zealand every year. Firstly, bodyweight needs to be upgraded to roughly 50 percent to fuel throughout the heavy trip.

The way birds manage the time properly to reach their destination has attracted observers to investigate it for over many decades. Investigators have been trying to learn about this behaviour. Many inventions found out that all migratory birds have the same ability to steer and an original drive to travel in a particular way. Nocturnal migrant is the one who flies at night, led by the star. When clouds coming up and cover up the stars, nocturnal migrant will confuse and may return back and digress. On the other side, there are several Diurnal migrants who fly following the sun. Diurnal migrants use the geographic feature for direction such as mountain ranges or seas coasts. Since night and day move regularly over the time, so the migratory birds have a sense of time.
fauziyahtami   
Oct 10, 2016
Writing Feedback / The importance of balancing our income and expense. Money Management. [5]

Hello,
Hope you enjoy your time
You have done great, yet lemme give you some suggestion

==> Growing inflation rate,numerous bills,............................ income (you can use influx or profit) and expense(expenditure/ outlay/ spending money) .
==> ...find it difficult to develope the skills of how to control (arrange, set, oversee) their own finance.
==> Understanding taxation,purchasing thoughfully
==> ...which can help people to bulid(build) a systematic frame of finance
==> ... of economic lectures in the colleges, (or) universities;for those who take (a) part-time or full-time job...
...has some economic en ducations organiz (s)ed by the University of Illinois...(your example is quite good, yet it will be more prettily if you complete with 5w1H --> help to increase your score)

==> Financial institutions are profitable institutions,so not only do they like(they not only like to do a)well(you can use good, instead) investments,but they ...

==> ... advice on how to set up a propriate (Appropriate or a proprietary?) spending and saving ...(try to extend your instance by using 5W1H)

==> Altho(u)gh some of them will make (the) profit from persuading people to ...
==> Though people have to read and listen with(to) basic economic knowledge ...
I think, (firstly) people can first go (can go after the education) for the education and then use what they learn in(the) practical world.

You did several typos, be careful when you were writing.
Good luck and keep writing :)
fauziyahtami   
Oct 10, 2016
Writing Feedback / Young people have to move to cities to get a good job. [4]

Hello everyone, today i have a topic to talk about the advantages and the disadvantages of living in a small village. Here is it. Could someone gives me some advices (uncountable)? please!

==> ... city where has more benifits(benefits) .
==> ... and disadvantages to live in the country. (you already paraphrase the question but try another word) (nevertheless, living in the backwoods brings up several benefits, yet also gives a few drawback)

==> Firstly, let's talk about the advantages(benefits/ merit)(of staying at the countryside)when live in a places far from the city .
==> People live in small villages where everyone knows everyone else(tend to make me confuse)(Inhabitants who live in the backwoods tend to known each other), they usually garther(gather)to talk together(they usually come together for chitchat) .

==> People form strong relationships and they usually support ... (they usually work together/cooperate to help solve any trouble) , so they never feel lonely (thus, they do not to face it alone/ no need to feel so long/ no worries to be lonesome, etc)

==> Also with a more relaxed way ...
==> Also the enviro(n)ment in the county (...) because it not e(a) ffected by the industrialization, ...
==> ... are many of the dis(ad) vantages. The education is a big (huge/ immense) problem, children are difficult to go to school because (...) work as farmers(Children have to confront the adversity of paying tuition fee, due to the fact that most of the villagers work as farmer)

As I said before(according the drawback above) , there are not many (a few/ fewer) companies or factories so if the young people have ambitions, they have to move to cities to get a good job.(make this sentence more easily to understand)

==> Also , when someone is ill, they cannot access to heath care because (since, caused by, for) it is a long way to the nearest hospital.(The nearest hospital is far away from the village/ it takes hard effort to reach the hospital/ it is miles away from backwoods)

==> In my opinion, I think people from the countryside are happier than the ones coming from cityside (metropolis) -->how could you say that? give some explanation to strengten your opinion, by using paraphrase of the statement before) . However, there are more advantages(many / the adventages of living in the big city overweigth the diasdventages) to live in a big city.

*You didn't give any example at least once for each paragraph.
*Your paragraph didn't clear. when the next passage starts, there's no sign. at least give some space (enter)
*You often mention "also" --> furthermore, moreover, in addition, on the other hand, on the one hand, on the other word and many else

*You didn't mention the conclusion of your statement. The conclusion is a must for IELTS writing task 2
*some sentence is unclearly mention--> give some explanation

Good luck and keep writing :)
fauziyahtami   
Oct 10, 2016
Writing Feedback / Logging brings harm to the ecosystem. The damage causes habit loss, pollution and climate change. [4]

Asignment- Environmental Impacts of Logging

The logging industry supplied the raw material for many commercial products. It brings harm to the ecosystem. The damage causes habit loss, pollution and climate change that has been spreading from the rainforest of Central Africa, Southeast Asia, and also from South America to the northern woods of Canada and Scandinavia. The extensive of logging gives eliminate of a swath of trees. Terrestrial and aquatic life form are in danger, and soon will be gone by the effect of losing nutrients, water, a shelter for plants, animals and microorganism throughout the ecosystem.

Soil protected by underneath of trees, which means by losing tree nature will lose their integrity. The rainforest ground, home to a large number of plant life, insect, worms, reptiles, amphibians and small mammals, dependent on a compact canopy of branches and leaves to make them stay healthy and not impaired. The canopy catches the heavy rainfall to protect surface runoff, thus the rain will be separated into drips and fall down on to the porous earth. Tree roots make a stable soil and preserve from erosion. The healthy soil will boost root development and microbial activity that helps tree to growth well. Road building gives a heavy compression what damage the spongy soil, creating furrows where water collets and interrupting the underground water path. As result, the topsoil is leaving infertile stones and clays.

Logging also gives aquatic affect. Plants that separate all the rivers and a narrow river bank could help water pathway maintenance by cover the entry of soil and other residues, while tree shade slows down the growth of algae. The loss of forest could reduce the amount of oxygen in the water, killing fish, while the organic needs more oxygen after erosion.

Wood consume carbon dioxide and produce oxygen instead and pollutants will be filtered their leaves. Pollutants will stay in the air and will mix with water vapour and form acid raid if nature cannot handle it anymore. So the streams and rivers have a worsening water and rose sedimentation.

Truthfully, forest ecosystem supply humidity from the soil to the atmosphere, whereas inhibiting volatilization. Deforestation changes rainfall pattern that gives rise a flooding same as drought and forest fires. Deforestation brings up tonnes of carbon into the atmosphere leading to a major factor to global warming. Many logging companies make a way to an area, so they burn forest's tract and release more highly carbon dioxide concentration.

Rainforests are the decisive natural device that has biodiversity and irreplaceable wildlife habitats. Logging responsibility could help protect the world for the next generation.
fauziyahtami   
Oct 11, 2016
Writing Feedback / Some scientists from University of Oxford released result of study about the future of work [3]

Hello Fauzan
Hope you doing well, lemme give you some advice.

==> Some scientists from (the) University of Oxford released (the) result of study about
==> ... almost one in every two job(s) have a high risk of ...
==> As we know, machine(s) have (the) power to learn ...
==> .., machine learning grow(s) rapidly to able doing ...
==> ... that machines can not (afford to) do, it is
==> ... bring a new challenge(,) therefore we still can stay

*be aware with singular and plural.
*learn about where you need "the"

Overall, you have done great
Good luck and keep writing :)

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