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Posts by Abrahamlincoln [Suspended]
Name: Lincoln
Joined: Sep 28, 2016
Last Post: Feb 16, 2017
Threads: 54
Posts: 56  
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From: Indonesia
School: Universitas Indonesia

Displayed posts: 110 / page 2 of 3
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Abrahamlincoln   
Oct 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / This essay will examine the reasons why criminal wrongdoing increases annually [3]

Writing Task 2 - Increasing crime rate

Each year, the crime rate increases.
What are the causes of crime and what could be done to prevent this rise in criminal activity?


Over recent years there has been a proliferation of the level of crime around the world. This essay will examine the reasons why criminal wrongdoing increases annually and discuss several remedies people can adopt.

The predominant factors resulting in the rise of the crime rate are unemployment and internet accessibility. Firstly, poverty stimulates people committing crime because they should meet their daily needs. While they do not have a job to earn money. Consequently, people end up into criminal activities where they can acquire money easily. In addition, internet accessibility makes everyone is able to access numerous information every time and everywhere, not only search positive information but also including information regarding criminal manner. It helps people to learn how to commit a crime effectively. According to CIA data. In 2013, the crime rate in all countries rose significantly to almost 40%. It is reported that easy access to internet motivates people to commit crime since they easily attain information of the ways of committing crime through video tutorials. As a result, crime cases increases every year and cannot be addressed quickly.

Nevertheless, there are potential solutions to overcome these problems, or at least reduce the effects. Firstly, to create tough regulation. The authority not only should design severe punishment which gives deterrent effects to the criminals but also promise increasing the law enforcement to the suspects. Secondly, to have better education system. Education authority is required to create curriculum which educate students to use internet wisely and also build good values to the students. It aims to equip scholars with ability to distinguish between acceptable and inacceptable neighborhood.

To conclude, although the increasing of criminal activities, caused by unemployment and internet accessibility. There are steps that government and educational institutions can be conducted to prevent their effects such as creating new policy and having better education system.
Abrahamlincoln   
Oct 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / This essay will examine the explanation why the crime rate is enhancing and suggest some ways out. [2]

Helllo Afdhel
Let me give you some advices

As i learn in writing class. writing task 2 consist of 4 contents:
1. Introduction
2. Body 1
3. Body 2
4. Conclusion

those aspects should be attempted. On your writing, you use almost 8 paragraph. it is just too much. please following your tutor instruction, in order to writing task 2 properly.

Keep writing.
Abrahamlincoln   
Oct 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / TED article - David Christian- The history of our world [3]

A question which is asked by David Christian to audience is how did the universe make complexity?. He began his explanation from 13.7 billion years ago, when there was nothing and suddenly small atom emerged as the core of universe. In the next 380.000 years after big bang, there was hydrogen atom appeared.

The differences between human and another beings is human have a complex language system. In order to transfer information and knowledge among them. Furthermore, people can strive even in extreme environment such as dessert, jungle and ice age. And in the modern age, myriad of people are linked with internet.
Abrahamlincoln   
Oct 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / The unemployment and careless of society have impact on the rise of the crime level [4]

Hello Brother
Let me give you some advices

The predominant factors impacts on >> .... impact on

the rise of crime activities such are unemployment ...

jobless has a tendency to do

Almost of felonies gave reasons >> ..... remarked that

Secondly, commuters in big cities careless are surrounding them (what is the relationship between busy people and increasing crime rate)

Keep writing
Abrahamlincoln   
Oct 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / All in all, I disagree that a person should be able to speak language to understand other cultures [3]

Hello Brother
Let me give you some advices

First, language is the only way of people

When the people

understand each other with native people .

However, I tremendously disagree with the statements. (which statements?)

... in the internet and to get details (no need to add 's') information about anything ...
... cultures and lifestyle (add 's', cine cultures has been plural) of a country from ...

Keep writing
Abrahamlincoln   
Oct 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / How to see the thoughts you don't know you are having - Article Summary - To know your brain [2]

How to see the thoughts you don't know you are having - Caroline Williams

Every second, large of quantities idea emerge on our mind. Those are in unconscious area in which almost all people are not aware of what their thinking. In actual fact, a few experimental have been developing to touch our hidden area. Harvard University's Scholars carried out the research by using quick response test to exposing unconscious behaviour regarding origion, sexuality and gender. Unfortunately, it is strenuous to catch. While, another researcher, Russell Hurlburt from University of Nevada Las Vegas, provides different approach. He commanded volunteers to wear an earpiece which will randomly beep for six times a day, then ask them to note their mind. After a half of decade, he has concluded that minority of people have an idea what they are thinking.
Abrahamlincoln   
Oct 31, 2016
Writing Feedback / There are other elements (than air travel) which contribute most to the atmosphere pollution [3]

Restricting air travel is the only way to prevent air pollution. Do you agree or disagree?

Air travel supplies a large number of pollution to our environment. I keenly disagree with that idea since there are other elements which contribute most to pollute our atmosphere.

On the one hand, air travel activities produce vast of emission which destroys natural habitat and the ozone layer. If it continued, it will be harmful to the environment and human's health. There must be a proliferation of earth temperature caused by global warming and the possibility of suffering stroke will escalate dramatically due to air pollution. And some argue that airplanes produce most emission compared with other vehicles. It means that it supplies most in destroying to an environment. As a result, they believe that limiting air travel activity is a possible solution to address such trend.

On the other hand, there are a large number of elements which contribute to being harmful to the environment such as private transportation and industrial companies. Firstly, there are millions of private transportation use every day in the world. Even though the emission produced by one vehicle in small number. The emission is produced by a large number of cars and motorcycles supply more emission than air travel activities. In addition, industrial companies contribute also in this problem. They use their manufacturing machines every day which results from dangerous gasses for the quality of fresh air. It will impact on human's health negatively and can stimulate serious diseases in the near future.

In conclusion, while other argue that the air pollution should not be allowed to conduct their operation. I believe there is sufficient evidence to demonstrate that other factors supply more pollution.
Abrahamlincoln   
Oct 31, 2016
Writing Feedback / TED Beau Lotto, the TED speaker, began his speech with a game. [7]

Hello Brother
Let me give you some inputs

begins his speech with a game

has importance role in this phenomenon

he gave some examples with similar shape, size and content

The totally difference between both
Keep writing
Abrahamlincoln   
Oct 31, 2016
Writing Feedback / Article Summary - Liberty moves north [3]

Liberty moves north

It has been 2 decades since Canadian government happily admits immigrants. Even there are has been a proliferation of refugees more than 300,000 people a year, it is a trigger to welcomed more asylum-seekers which have reached 1% of its total population. It is a higher proportion than any other big, rich countries such America or Britain.

There are two predominant reasons supporting Canadian's successful. Firstly, they not only invite them to come but helping them find employment and housing. They believe that "multicultural heritage" is beneficial aspects of creating prosperity and peaceful. Not every country is able to follow what Canada does since it pertains to the security system. Secondly, educate citizens to understand the financial issue. Canada has been managing its public finances conservatively and its prime minister has created a regulation to give a tax cut to the middle level and attain more and increased the higher tax to help for it.
Abrahamlincoln   
Oct 31, 2016
Writing Feedback / Article Summary - Did China discover America [4]

DID CHINA DISCOVER AMERICA

The majority people argue that a Chinese Muslim, Zheng discovered America more than 70 years before Columbus. It is supported by the map, entitled "General chart of the integrated world" after he did seven voyages for 30 years. The map was bought from a local dealer by a Shanghai lawyer, Liu Gang. He argues it proves that Zheng traveled to the Americas, Australia, and the Mediterranean as well.

The map contains detailed elements. It shows the two hemispheres of the world by both south and the north pole. America is described clearly, even the rivers are running from far inland is recognizable. However, it cannot prove anything since only Europeans dramatized the world this way. European travelers finished discovery like this over hundred of years, while Zheng only explored for 30 years. A lecturer of the University of British Columbia, Professor Timothy Brook stated that this map is absolute nonsense. He argues the map copied onto a European map.
Abrahamlincoln   
Oct 31, 2016
Writing Feedback / Article Summary - Overworking style in Japan [3]

Overworking style in Japan

Overworking is the predominant cause of almost suicide case is Japan, It is known as karoshi. This October, the government reports that workers have average 80 hours a month, even 12% of them shows 100 hours. According to the survey, 93 workers committed suicide over last three months. While other employees suffered heart attacks or strokes due to over working. To overcome such problem, Shinzo Abe plans to include that in his reforms plan in order workers have a balance between life and work. But he confronts some difficulties since business practices required dedication to the job far ahead of performance. Such trend likely caused by Japan is one of the least productive economies, in the OECD, generating only $39 compared by America's $ 62.
Abrahamlincoln   
Nov 10, 2016
Writing Feedback / Article Summary: Apple has a new way to get a cheaper iPhone [4]

Hello My Friend
Let me give some inputs towards your writing.

please pay attention to your subject+verb agreement and conjunction. if you want to explain something using the next sentence, you should have the sentence which refers to

Apple has offered its buyer new concept which called >> Apple has offered its loyal customers new concept which is called
new sales program known as the Apple ...

to get a cheaper iPhone in the past ten years . >> it aims to give an opportunity for everyone to get cheaper price of iPhone,

The customer can buy refurbished iPhone 6s or iPhone 6s Plus ... >> for example, the buyers can purchase refurbished iPhone 6s or plus with price only $449, they can save money until $100.

Good luck
Abrahamlincoln   
Nov 10, 2016
Writing Feedback / TED Summary - How to Build Good Life [5]

Hello My Friend
Let me give you some advices

Tai Lopes gave a lecture about why [...] something, but not all of them get it.

(Dear Ucha, in this sentence, you need to explain why people are compulsory to read at least one book a day, you can start it with explanation regarding its benefits to human life. if you describe hot to get a good life previously, it jumps your mind idea)

Next, he presented three major (mind/predominant) factors that may influence (a good life.
Mentors have animportant positionas a role model ...They give people opportunity to apply their theory in the real situation . may help people to experience their work.

... in learning that provided us numerous information and education. insights.

Good Luck
Abrahamlincoln   
Nov 10, 2016
Writing Feedback / It has been 2 decades since Canadian government happily admits immigrants [2]

Article Summary - Liberty moves north

It has been 2 decades since Canadian government happily admits immigrants. Even there are has been a proliferation of refugees more than 300,000 people a year, it is a trigger to welcomed more asylum-seekers which have reached 1% of its total population. It is a higher proportion than any other big, rich countries such America or Britain.

There are two predominant reasons supporting Canadian's successful. Firstly, they not only invite them to come but helping them find employment and housing. They believe that "multicultural heritage" is beneficial aspects of creating prosperity and peaceful. Not every country is able to follow what Canada does since it pertains to a security system. Secondly, educate citizens to understand a financial issue. Canada has been managing its public finances conservatively and its prime minister has created a regulation to give a tax cut to the middle level and attain more and increased the higher tax to help for it.
Abrahamlincoln   
Nov 10, 2016
Writing Feedback / People have more attention for a look and not what kind a person someone is. Cameron Russell summary [8]

Hello brother
let me give you some inputs

Image the image is ...
... the Image can transform mindsetthe mindset of someone in ...
..., femininity(,) and white skin.
... her image which is are constructed by several (...), photographers(,) and stylists. All of (the) essential elements ...
She regret(s) since she got that(those) things because ...

Let me give you some comments. you need to improve your understanding regarding the subject+verb agreement. It will be the beneficial aspect for you since you made most of the mistakes on singular/plural and add "s/es" when it is simple present with the subject (He / she /it). and please vary your vocabulary in order to avoid repeated word

good luck
Abrahamlincoln   
Nov 10, 2016
Writing Feedback / Summary TED - nine life lessons from rock climbing [5]

Matthew Childs is a professional climber, has been climbing two dozens of years. Based on his experience, he reveals there are 9 values which could be implemented in our life. 1) Fear is a mistake. People who travel on the mountain are required to ensure every single step they pass is completed and help them to reach the finish line. If we are afraid or doubt to take a step, it means finished, we will fall into the ravine and disappear. Focusing on your little step will help you to attain your goal and target. 2) Design your comfortable place to take a nap. It cannot be disputed that life is unfair. Most people become disappointed and hopeless, they are not ready to confront difficulties and be ready in their delicate situation. Therefore, the ability to find the positive side of your life is an essential skill which should be developed. Its aim is to have a positive mind in every condition
Abrahamlincoln   
Nov 11, 2016
Writing Feedback / Ted - Kio Stark: she told about her experience after conversing with foreigners [2]

To begin, she told about her experience when talking to strangers, which she recorded in video to identify that event. She taught that our senses towards best intentions which include liberation and intimacy should be accessed rather than fears. Those things should be followed with rules which were civility and privacy, which differ in every continent of the world. Overall, this talking to stranger would be good to have narrating experience with others, while unexpected connection could be built up at the same time which should be learnt and copied by our young children to create change in society.
Abrahamlincoln   
Nov 11, 2016
Writing Feedback / Writing Task 1 : The Elder Population in Three different countries [4]

Halllo Nda,

(please notice to your structure. in the first paragraph you should give brief explanation the chart you are going to describe, it contains (table information, measurement and most interesting fact on the chart. you did not do that on your writing task 1).

... and Sweden had a higher proportion of ...

Overall, your writing is extremely good. but you need to use other expressions to describe the proportion such as a quarter. etc
Abrahamlincoln   
Nov 11, 2016
Writing Feedback / SUMMARY ARTICLE: DONALD TRUMP WINNER THE PRESIDENT OF USA [2]

Dear Eve01
let me give you some inputs

I found numerous of articles which contain same sentences with yours. maybe you just changing one word to its synonym. it is not paraphrasing. you need to understand first what the article talking about and you re-write with your own word. it is more complex than you think. if you just copy and paste and change some words, it will not help you improving you English. in order to overcome such problem, my suggestion is to read and understand the article. afterward, you translate it into bahasa and re-state with your own word based on your understanding.

good luck
Abrahamlincoln   
Nov 11, 2016
Writing Feedback / Summary Article - People Sign Up for Obamacare After Donald Trump Elected President [2]

People Sign Up for Obamacare After Donald Trump Elected President

According to TIME.COM, after Donald Trump elected as the 45th President of the Unites States of America, there has been a proliferation of health insurance, they registered in Obamacare program. The people who have enrolled reaching just over 100.000 citizens, it is the highest amount since the administration started. Some analysts argue that this is because people worry regarding their future life under Donald's tenure as the President of USA. It shocked most of Americans and other communities, especially refugees. While Muslim community also under pressure since Donald's statement which reflects that he extremely dislikes Muslim.

Sylvia Burwell as Secretary of Health and Human Services remarked that such trend happened right after the official announcement that Donald Trump won the president election, beat Hillary Clinton who was expected will overtake Barack Obama's tenure as the most powerful person. In addition, spokesperson of Health and Human Department also argue that health insurance will be becoming an essential need for all Americans.
Abrahamlincoln   
Nov 11, 2016
Writing Feedback / Summary TED - How to grow fresh air - NASA's concept [3]

How to grow fresh air

Kamal Meattle was sentenced by his private doctor that his lung capacity decreased almost 70%, the doctor asked him to avoid inhaling polluted air unless it will weaken his body. In order to overcome such problem, he adopted NASA's concept, put three kinds of the plant which can clean the air around him. Those plants are Areca Palm, Mother in-law's Tounge and Money Plant. Areca Plam is capable of removing C02 and then change it to be oxygen, the plant is usually located in outdoor. While Mother in-law's Tounge has the same effect but this cleans C02 indoor. Afterward, Money plant will absorb all chemical materials which are available around. This method affected not only for his health but also reduce the pollution impacted by building housing and buildings. People just need to put the plants inside the room and they will produce fresh air every day. This activity is crucial since it is projected that almost 60% of world population will live in the building and there will be a proliferation of constructing new facilities to meet residence's need.

Source: ted
Abrahamlincoln   
Nov 13, 2016
Writing Feedback / Graphs provide information about the results of a survey on prefered culture and leisure activities [2]

Dear Lola
Let me give you some inputs

girl's prefered preferred culture and leisure activities.
Even though, some
noticable noticeable similarities

It is clear to see that, t he boy's favourite (...) approximately 34% of them sharing that opinion (I did not get the point).

Dear Lola, you are good in term of grammar and the writing's flow. However, I remind you that writing task 1 is not only about mention the data one by one, but also comparing data in order to easy the readers understand what the chart tells. you must compare between charts' boys and woman. for example, you can say that there was same proportion between boys and girls in term of Listening to music, which was10%. Furthermore, your introduction does not describe the chart generally. you need to analyze finding the interesting statement which illustrates whole charts, maybe you could mention that indoor activity is more popular than outdoor activity in both sexes since it had the biggest proportion. Finally, please notice your spelling, you did mistakes

Good Luck
Abrahamlincoln   
Nov 14, 2016
Writing Feedback / Summary Article - Trumps presidency could be good news for science [2]

There are three essential bases will be concerned by the new president, Donald Trump, namely space exploration, infrastructure, and medicine. Those will be continued as usual or even improved. Even it comes with several considerations.

Firstly, space exploration. Trumps remarked his plan that NASA should more concern to human exploration and discover more about the solar system. While they give earth observation mission which aims to find the new way of climate change to national oceanic and atmosphere association. In addition, he is keen to rebuild more adequate public facilities such as airport and hospital. Even it is good news for American; some argue that it will contribute to climate change. He plans to allocate $ 1 billion for infrastructure budget, but when it comes to where he earns financial support, it is still unclear. Furthermore, Trump promised to allow importing drugs and ease approval process of generic drugs. It is clear that this will make medicine's price cheaper price and easier to access, not only medicine but only marijuana will be legalized in several states such as California and Nevada.
Abrahamlincoln   
Nov 14, 2016
Writing Feedback / Air transportation in today's world is popular not only for traveler but also for worker or student [3]

Dear lalu
let me give you some inputs

i think you have good enough skill to write in english. However, there are several improvement should be taken to sharpen your english. Firstly, you have to pay attention to use singular and plural words, deal with subject+verb agreemnt and also minor grammatical errors. secondly, you have to choose proper conjuction to connect your sentence with the privous ones. thirdly, please read some article to array your vocabularies. i strongly recommend you to have cambridge dictionary which help you to choose advance vocabulary

good luck
Abrahamlincoln   
Nov 14, 2016
Writing Feedback / Summary TED - An engineer's vision for tinty forests, everywhere [3]

An engineer's vision for tiny forests, everywhere

Deforestation has been a crucial problem of the world, it effects on decreasing forests and oxygen-reserved. Shubhendu Sharma, an Indian industrial engineering, is a passion for finding out a solution for tackling such problem. After resigning from Toyota company, he joined the voluntory project which focuses on the environmental issue and met with prof. Okazaki who introduced him to new plantation technique. After following his course for a couple of months, he tried to create the garden in the backyard of his house. It impacts on several positive impacts are increasing the quality of fresh air, the population of bird increased twofold, and grow season fruits. He is willing to invite all people around the world to do the same activity which aims to against climate change. Therefore, he provides website consists of information regarding the steps of doing plantation by a specific methodology which has been standardized by his team. Until now, the idea has been implemented by thousands of people in different countries and it is projected to add forest land in the world.
Abrahamlincoln   
Nov 15, 2016
Writing Feedback / Antony Goldbloom, A machine can work like human, and substitute his work [5]

Dear Alan
Those are my comments toward your writing

1. Please kindly attach the link of the article you summarized. it helps a lot to see the original article.
2. Please to pay attention to your spelling, you misspelled the word too many.
3. Please pay attention to a subject+verb agreement on your writing, singular and plural and the article.
4. you have to change your way of writing, it seems that you writing in speaking form. please, your formal sentence which consists of Subject + predicant and object.

He rely to machine will change position of human. It can work likehuman , and substitute human's work.
... finish high volume task at little time.
... hasn't been fully fulfill the human's work (...) strategic of company . Onanother hand , Antony believes that ...
... some good technology in machine which more easily to solve enermous problem in many places in the world and is probably ...
... some problem in industry and many place, however human must more smart than machine , and is ...
In conclusion, human need machine, similiarly machine needs ...
Abrahamlincoln   
Nov 15, 2016
Writing Feedback / A good environment with humble people only in a small village - english studio [6]

Dear Alfian

i think you have good enough skill to write in English. However, there are several improvements should be taken to sharpen your English. Firstly, you have to pay attention to use singular and plural words, deal with subject+verb agreement and also minor grammatical errors. secondly, you have to choose proper conjunction to connect your sentence with the previous ones. thirdly, please read some article to array your vocabularies. I strongly recommend you to have Cambridge dictionary which helps you to choose advanced vocabulary

Good luck
Abrahamlincoln   
Nov 15, 2016
Writing Feedback / The Natural Exotic Flying Park on The City [4]

... transportation which is used by may of people in the worldmany use with people in the world .

The train has the line in the sky with ... (we have special term to describe kind of vehicle, it is called as MRT or LRT, maybe you can use that term of your next writing)

..., the train has been builtunder line in underground of the city.

It is because about one person in a mounth that is killed and run over, so the train in high line was elevated.
it is because land shortage caused by increasing housing and buildings everywhere.
Abrahamlincoln   
Nov 15, 2016
Writing Feedback / The kind of transport to go to work in Houston, Texas. Writing test 1 in English studio [6]

Dear Alfian
Let me give you some inputs

The table shows the information about kind of transport which is used going to workto go to work in Houston, Texas.

According the table saw that people prefer to use the car than public transport.

note: in writing task 1, your writing should consist of 3 parts of body, those are introduction, body 1 and 2. when it comes to introduction, there are several aspects should be written.

1. what kind of data
2. the measurement
3. the year
4. general overview.

good luck
Abrahamlincoln   
Nov 15, 2016
Writing Feedback / Summary The chart shows components of GDP in the UK from 1992 to 2000 [7]

Dear Alfian
let me give you some inputs:

1. is not is your summary article, is it? you have to find the article from the chosen websites, just pick up one to be your summarized article. I think it is not allowed to summary the chart since it seems you do writing task 1. since you are going to study in the business sector, I strongly recommend you to read time and the economist. it really helps you to increase your business vocabularies.

2. please pay attention to your grammatical manners. i found so many mistakes on it. Overall, you have improved your english.
Abrahamlincoln   
Nov 15, 2016
Writing Feedback / Summary Article - Speedy bat flies at 160km/h, smashing bird speed record [4]

Speedy bat flies at 160km/h, smashing bird speed record

Brazilian bat has become the fastest vertebrate animal after reaching of speed nearly 160 Km/h. It disputes the previous finding which revealed that bird fly 112 km/h, which made them faster than a bat. However, the research carried out by McCracken's team believed that they have discovered outcome which people had not heard of. They also argue that their measurement is precise, using the speed device which is usually used for the airplane. It is clear that this result invites many disagreements from other analysists who criticized that there was something wrong on estimating process of speed. The first scholar who has a different tendency is Prof. Graham Taylor, he remarked that this is untrusted information which none should know. However, some analysts regard that bat could fly under 160 km/h because it was helped by gravitation force, impacting to increasing their flying speed. He added that this is very possible because the research object was Brazilian bat which well-known by its ability to travel far away almost 50 km.

Source: newscientist
Abrahamlincoln   
Nov 15, 2016
Writing Feedback / Summary TED - What can we learn from shortcuts? [3]

What can we learn from shortcuts?

While, most people argue that shortcut is the best way to reach our destination faster, Tom Hulme as businessman regard that shortcut is changed human behavior to be more indiscipline, because of that he wants everyone to realize that shortcut has a strong relationship with a design, and we need to create a unique feature to live disciplinarily.

Taking London as an example, there is a tiny road in the middle of the public garden. In order to arrive faster, young children pass the road and leave the path which was designed by the government. That activity results to a crucial problem which is destroying the land. The solution government provides is to plant a big tree as an obstacle for people across the street. It aims to support them to walk on provided path. Another fascinating example is policy taken by the University of California, all buyers should be mobile around campus, it prevents students to make shortcut when they have known the exact place.

Source: youtube
Abrahamlincoln   
Nov 16, 2016
Writing Feedback / (Summary TED) Philip Zimbardo the demise of guys? [3]

Based on data, 30 percent of men higher than woman to drop out from school. For example: in Canada, each 5 boys drop out in school (every year) while only whereas just 3 girls do drop out from school .

(what is the relationship between drop out from school and watching porn video?) Young man can spend his time ...
(and what do woman do after dropped out from school, do they same activity as man?

please to attach your video link, it helps us to watch the original video
Abrahamlincoln   
Nov 16, 2016
Writing Feedback / (Summary Article) Why Mark Zuckerberg Is Fortune's Businessperson of the Year [11]

Facebook, is one of (...) which was one of the most enormous company was surprised ...

Because of that, Because the chairman, Mark Zuckerberg has become became fortune's businessperson of the year in 2016(when) .

Facebook which had 16.000 employees and earned got annual revenues...

In past, facebook wasperhaps only small business which wasdeveloped bybuilt bystudent who drooped out from Harvard University.drop out people.

Nevertheless, it has been now had been the biggest company (...) and advertisement service .
Abrahamlincoln   
Nov 16, 2016
Writing Feedback / What hasppened with the Beagle Mars - new revelations [2]

Beagle Mars probe probably didn't crash, new analysis shows

After Beagle airplane arrived at Mars in 2003, the scientist did not receive any updated information, therefore they predicted it had damaged. However, after nearly a decade. They successfully detected its operation there, then started the project immediately. In this experiment, they applied the new method which hopefully results in the fascinating outcome, it is called reflection analysis. Furthermore, The solar panels are not only employed to fuel the airlines but also to measure the proportion of sunlight can be absorbed. In addition, after the airline has successfully landed on Mars, it has proved that NASA is the only one space agency which is capable of executing it.

Source:
newscientist
Abrahamlincoln   
Nov 16, 2016
Writing Feedback / Zaria Forman has dedicated herself to preserve indefensible places which are may soon extinct [5]

Drawings that show the beauty and fragility of earth

Zaria Forman has dedicated herself to preserve indefensible places which are projected will be extinct by climate change. It cannot be a dispute that there has been a proliferation of global warming over the last decades, therefore, she wants to witness changes in those sites until the time goes on. Her hope is to inform people to slow climate change. In addition, she has a tendency to persuade people to do so through art, it is because she believes that this easily touch people's feeling.

source: youtube
Abrahamlincoln   
Nov 30, 2016
Writing Feedback / Positive consequences and drawbacks of working before going to University [3]

Question:
Some suggest that young people should take a job for a few years between school and university. Discuss what the advantages and disadvantages might be for people who do this

Most people believe that work experience is the crucial factor for adolescent before continuing their higher education. I regard that it will convey positive consequences although there are several drawbacks could be occurred.

it has negative consequences such as lack of academic knowledge and negative psychological effect. Adolescent who have been working for such a long time in the company will lose their academic theories since they never review the materials. Although they get new insight regarding their job, they lose the knowledge which will be beneficial to study in university. Consequently, there is a big possibility that they will not be enthusiastic to continue study at university. Furthermore, they will have mental disorder since they must achieve the target and finish it based on the deadline. Although they can accomplish the tasks to be in order, they work under pressure and are stressful. It will be a harmful factor for their psychological development.

Apart from the previous explanations, It is not beneficial step for them due to several reasons. The first reason is to enlarge knowledge/skill. Although people who graduated from senior high school do not have capabilities needed by industries, they have strong motivation to sharpen their skill and gain knowledge that they have never heard. It aims to equip them with the special skill which will be the beneficial factor for their future. In addition, in order to pursue higher education, it needs a great deal of money. Although the government provides scholarship, its amount is extremally a limited amount. Therefore, young people should work to earn money and then save it to fund their tuition fee and living cost during a study.

In conclusion, while some argue that adolescent should not work before going to university. I believe that there is sufficient evidence to prove that its advantage outweighs its disadvantages.
Abrahamlincoln   
Nov 30, 2016
Writing Feedback / A person who is able to give a new idea and is independent, is appropriate to be recruited for a job [2]

Dear Beauty
Let me give you some advice

- ... who are not dependent toon others are able (...) from based on research which they will do (carry out)

- gave some selectionsprocess to measure whether its ...

- they recruited job applicant who

- then company asked them to ...

Good Luck...

Note: please pay attention to your grammar and your singular and plural sentence

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