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|"My Mom" - help with most influential person essay.
9 - Notoman's sample essay is exactly the sort of model you need to follow when reworking your own. You may...
Undergraduatebrandon - Jun 30, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jul 4, 2009
|i need a little guidance on my admission essay..am i on the right track ?
5 - Strong opening, as others have noted. The central character in this essay, though, is your Dad, and after reading...
UndergraduateKTZ - Jul 1, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jul 4, 2009
|"Recognizing my mistake and a way to fix it" - help me with the repetition :)
5 - The experience itself is sort of interesting -- a coincidence of symptoms that awakens with in you an awareness...
Undergraduatepaircorner - Jul 1, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jul 4, 2009
|"How will this program help me accomplish my academic goals?
UndergraduateNickT - Jun 23, 2009 / kw106 - Jul 3, 2009
|'trauma patient emergency care' - Supplement essay medical school
17 - "It was a rewarding feeling to be able to help the patient recuperate from such a horrific trauma" =...
Undergraduatevietfun2k - Jun 29, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jul 2, 2009
|An appeal letter for Business Management Admission !
6 - Try rewriting your appeal letter using only 60% of the words you currently do, and eliminating every instance of...
UndergraduateDannyBoy - Jul 1, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jul 2, 2009
|Success could be measured by outcome, effects, or the influences one makes
4 - Yep, verbiage aplenty here. (Isn't "extra verbiage" redundant?) In any event, try to say what you want to say...
UndergraduateMayada - Jul 1, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jul 2, 2009
|The direction I want to take my education; UWashington Bothell - PS/software systems
UndergraduateCharlie221133 - Jun 27, 2009 / EF_Simone - Jul 1, 2009
|"I want to attend Chapel" - provide advice on how I can better my essay.
5 - Interesting read. Try to cut down on the double statements, 'unsafe and unstable' . They're unnecessary, and they slow...
Undergraduaterpwal7 - Jun 27, 2009 / Charlie221133 - Jun 30, 2009
|My UCF undergraduate admissions essay...I am dying to go here critiques?
6 - You could just delete the first sentence, and that would help a fair bit. You still wouldn't have the...
UndergraduateJennameister - Jun 28, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jun 29, 2009
|Imagine a life entirely different from the one you now lead, what would it be?
6 - You just need to speak from the heart while also answering the prompt. You might talk about how you...
Undergraduateprasun8463 - Jun 29, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jun 29, 2009
|Georgetown School of Foreign Service Transfer Essay
UndergraduateEalgian - Jun 25, 2009 / Ealgian - Jun 28, 2009
|'The dean and the award ceremony' - common app essay- open topic
5 - Especially in conjunction with "trembling." This highlights a wider problem with your use of language -- you tend...
Undergraduatecutestchloe - Jun 26, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jun 27, 2009
|"My Hidden Treasure" - University of Illinois Essay
9 - Followed shortly thereafter by "there is" and "there are," though this will require some rephrasing rather than simple deletions....
Undergraduatedblaze98 - Jun 25, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jun 26, 2009
|Re-admission appeal statement (Reasons for Unsatisfactory Performance)
10 - When it was obvious that I couldn't fight my addiction, I should have sought counseling but I did...
Undergraduategodlyatheist - Jun 23, 2009 / EF_Simone - Jun 26, 2009
|"experience or achievement in your life" - Untitled Personal Statement
7 - It all so seemed superficial to me. I always saw it as everything television had portrayed it to be....
UndergraduateFoxyKittie14 - Jun 21, 2009 / Liebe - Jun 26, 2009
|Topic for my personal statement (characteristics, family history, culture)
UndergraduateFoxyKittie14 - Jun 25, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jun 26, 2009
|Show how my university studies affect my career future?
Undergraduatephanphuongngan - Jun 23, 2009 / phanphuongngan - Jun 25, 2009
|FSU addmissions essay ("I believe your University will give me the knowledge")
Undergraduatebugie09 - Jun 14, 2009 / EF_Simone - Jun 24, 2009
|"No! Not another disgusting lizard, Grandma!" - Medical Personal Statement
26 - For introductory clauses, just remember that the modifier always, always, always modifies the noun that comes directly after...
Undergraduatevietfun2k - Jun 23, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jun 24, 2009
|Need help with question - news story that will shape my future
11 - Of course, if CarlosGarcia19 is the sort of person who is specifically interested in related research questions, then...
UndergraduateCarlosGarcia19 - Jun 22, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jun 23, 2009
|Common App- Reasons for Transfer (is it TMI? it's not completed or edited yet)
11 - That about sums my own view of the matter, too. I suspect that the vast majority of application...
UndergraduateItaly - Jun 20, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jun 22, 2009
|When I first heard the news that I was moving to Brooklyn, I felt overwhelmed with anger - challenge
8 - It depends upon the criteria used to select scholarship recipients. If they are looking for someone who has accomplished...
Undergraduateatikin - Jun 19, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jun 22, 2009
|'study methods required to survive in college' - Statement regarding GPA
11 - Yes, it would only take a sentence or two to specify your new study habits. It is, of course,...
UndergraduateDrudoy - Jun 19, 2009 / EF_Simone - Jun 21, 2009
|Spinning my life events into academic potential - Letter of academic intent
Undergraduatearoundandaround - Jun 3, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jun 18, 2009
|"Comrade Hu and passion for languages" - College Admissions Essay Introduction
13 - I'll just say again that I really like this introduction. In addition to being fresh and engaging, the allusions...
Undergraduatelewa - Jun 14, 2009 / EF_Simone - Jun 16, 2009
|Skills Test Essay Seneca college (fall 2009)
6 - Ask the college. Most colleges that use skills tests provide example tests from previous years....
UndergraduateAna - Jun 14, 2009 / EF_Simone - Jun 16, 2009
|The importance of Register in Marketing professions
7 - The question really, really doesn't make sense. I was wondering if there was a concept of "register" in marketing...
Undergraduateroxygirllie - Jun 11, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jun 13, 2009
|Applying to Rutgers Fall 09; 'vibrant and vivacious community'
UndergraduateSnowblind - Jun 3, 2009 / EF_Simone - Jun 12, 2009
|Master' s Degree in Social Work - admission essay
3 - You say that "During my work period I got an opportunity to closely observe every political, criminal and social...
UndergraduateJoe_7 - Jun 12, 2009 / EF_Simone - Jun 12, 2009
|UC Personal Statements: Suggestions for revising?
7 - You know, in Sociology there's a "Front and backstage." People would rather not hear things which make them...
UndergraduateTachy - May 27, 2009 / Mustafa1991 - Jun 10, 2009
|UCF Essay:Why did you choose to apply to UCF? ("Christmas 1997")
UndergraduateDeMoney30 - Jun 8, 2009 / EF_Simone - Jun 8, 2009
|short answer on extracurricular activities (need to reduce the word count)
5 - To make this a real learning experience, compare Gautama and Notoman's versions -- which stay close to your own...
Undergraduateadanne1990 - Jun 8, 2009 / EF_Simone - Jun 8, 2009
|Personal Essay/Personal Statement, "connection between me and science"
10 - Okay, but you see how the original phrasing was confusing. Simone and I each interpreted it differently, and we're...
Undergraduateadanne1990 - May 27, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jun 8, 2009
|Statement of Purpose to Edinburgh University (logical extention of my academics)
5 - When revising for this sort of error, try reading what you have written aloud. Whenever you pause in your...
UndergraduateEssi - Jun 8, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jun 8, 2009
|"To Understand and Be Understood" - Why do you want to pursue a career in the medical field?
14 - Thanks very much for all of your help. EF Simone: I will gladly critique other's essays on this website....
UndergraduateDancingDoc - May 26, 2009 / DancingDoc - Jun 8, 2009
|brief essay explaining your educational and career goals
7 - Also, when you post your new thread, try including a rough draft of whatever you can come up with...
Undergraduatefuzzy - Jun 1, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jun 5, 2009
|If you were refrained one year from going to college, what would you do?
3 - You discuss yourself in an oddly hypothetical manner: "If I did not live in Georgia," "my Job (if I...
Undergraduatelamar199324 - Jun 5, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jun 5, 2009
|'Economics in Chengdu' - Letter of motivation to University of Amsterdam
13 - However, the word "foreigner" is not in and of itself pejorative, as certain ethnic slurs are. If it has...
UndergraduateFederico - May 25, 2009 / EF_Sean - Jun 3, 2009
|"Son,I want you to be an owner of a big department store";Ryerson - Retail Management
Undergraduatesohelmatrix - May 31, 2009 / sohelmatrix - Jun 1, 2009
|American Summer Camp in Kayrakkum, Tajikistan
4 - Well, why do you want to attend the camp? Is it to broaden your mind? Meet new people? Experience...
UndergraduateShade45 - May 25, 2009 / EF_Sean - May 31, 2009
|LMU supplement essay- REFLECTIONS FROM HER OLDER SELF
Undergraduateemilysm - May 29, 2009 / EF_Simone - May 31, 2009
|Essay about my self: Introducing Yourself to Your Instructor
6 - If I were you, firstly I will think of which one aspect of yourself can mostly attract your Instructor.Then...
Undergraduatespider20092002 - May 14, 2009 / eric_ly - May 30, 2009
|Firmly believe it is the best university for me; U Ryerson; Why apply?
12 - That's a good suggestion even if your interest is sincere. When writing an application of any kind -- job...
Undergraduatenuri - May 25, 2009 / EF_Simone - May 29, 2009
|Personal Essay (the college of Medicine)
3 - Simone, I'm so glad you mentioned "indecision." I could not find the words to express what I wanted to...
Undergraduatesammour - May 24, 2009 / EF_Kevin - May 25, 2009
|University of Wisconsin essay help - technically I am transferring
6 - I'd say the essays are pretty important, if only because they show how much a student wants to get...
Undergraduatenodnarb402 - May 20, 2009 / EF_Sean - May 23, 2009
|A time-travel machine to go back in time in your own life and change something
22 - Your verb use is fine, as far as strength goes. I suspect that you have sometimes sacrificed grammatical accuracy...
Undergraduateivan9210 - May 7, 2009 / EF_Sean - May 23, 2009
|people set the goals in the life which they think they can achieve
6 - Thanks a billion Kevin, I will surely do these things. No I don't have to write sepecifically about...
UndergraduateIndian - May 19, 2009 / Indian - May 21, 2009
|Fashion is unique, it's the walking art. Short Essay for Art Institute in Seattle
4 - I am excited about workin g for a company that not only supports their employees ' imagination and creativity,...
UndergraduateMari_Jo - May 17, 2009 / EF_Kevin - May 18, 2009
|Statement Of Purpose for Imperial university U.K.
Undergraduatearsene_g2000 - May 14, 2009 / EF_Kevin - May 15, 2009
|BA in gaming, how to start a paragraph?
3 - The opening paragraph should be a psychological attack on the senses; it should surprise the reader with something unexpected,...
Undergraduatemudasirmnm - May 13, 2009 / EF_Kevin - May 15, 2009
|"The Heights"; summer school program
3 - Hopefully you'll outgrow this on your own because my telling you it, won't from here on spur you to...
UndergraduateJackSmackle - May 14, 2009 / Mustafa1991 - May 14, 2009
|Hopsital Soap Opera - college classification essay
3 - I really like the gallery of people you introduce. However, if this is meant as a college admissions essay,...
Undergraduatesophiacelise - May 10, 2009 / EF_Sean - May 14, 2009
|Intermediate Level in science stream
4 - "I want to proceed further in my studies in the same stream at a foreign institution." "I have...
Undergraduateharry - May 7, 2009 / EF_Sean - May 13, 2009
|Essay correction, activities - Yuanyang, China
7 - At the end, you should add a sentence or two that captures what the experience taught you, how it...
Undergraduatenunya415 - Dec 20, 2008 / EF_Sean - May 13, 2009
|"I entered China as a typical spoiled American teenager" -UC Prompt 2
Undergraduatenunya415 - Nov 28, 2008 / nunya415 - May 13, 2009
|"I am among those who think that science has great beauty"; PERSONAL STATEMENT (Pharmacy )
11 - The way to cut down the word count is to make the paragraphs more solid. That's why I suggested...
Undergraduatemenamilad - Jan 19, 2009 / EF_Kevin - May 12, 2009
|"Untitled" General Personal Statement
4 - How about this way: Carrie Bradshaw idolizes them. Michael Jordan markets them. The Wizard of Oz told Dorothy...
Undergraduatebstrickland - May 8, 2009 / EF_Kevin - May 9, 2009
|qualities that would make you a good candidate for engineering-essay
4 - Hi tjay1988, I think that you should state more clearly your two qualities and add transitional words (or...
Undergraduatetjay1988 - May 7, 2009 / Thuong - May 8, 2009
|work hard, find the best in each other, and live with confidence.
6 - I just finished advising someone else to do this, but it bears repeating here -- use strong verbs. Read...
Undergraduateshupirate2013 - May 6, 2009 / EF_Sean - May 8, 2009
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