Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2: PAYING TAX OR NOT [6]

It seems you can write very well.... However, if I think you better pay a little more attention to your approach, then you can go for a very good band. I and Pahan have provided you with such guidelines in your previous threads and hope you would pay attention to them. Especially, about the body paras where you need to include specific examples to support the reasons you choose to defend your position on the argument.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 : Temperature in Kolkata graph [3]


This graph may be a little bit more advanced compared to what you get in other similar tasks. However, your introduction needs lots of improvement :(

The bar chart and line graph present the readings of monthly precipitation and temperature in Kolkata during a particular year.


As per data, during the first quarter of the year, the precipitation level is kept under 50 mm.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1: Global sales - dvd's, games, cd's over a three-year period [4]

This is not a proper overview. In the overview you should not have details :(

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1: Unpaid work "women and men" [5]


... "can be seen" and "observation" both mean the same and hence one makes the other redundant.

Also, you need to pay lots of attention to grammar and clarity of your sentences... your ideas are not delivered clearly to the reader;


This should be a statement that gives an overview of what the image presents. So, tell your reader the most obvious observations;
Overall, married women have recorded more unpaid working hours than married men. Among the married women, the ones with children had worked more number of unpaid hours than those did not have children.

Writing Feedback / IELT TASK 2 :TV programmes should be blocked "agree or disagree" [6]

Television is a media that is needed by many people for watching programmes


However, watching TV has both advantages and disadvantages.


This is an incomplete sentence .... if TV should be blocked, then what would happen? You need to connect another idea here !

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2: Common Problems if both parents are working [4]

The reasons for this situation could be differ from family to family.
Moreover, ifwhen both husband and wife are working they leave novery limited room for their personal enjoyment for the reason that they have to work on weekdaysdue to their work commitments and take care of household things like shopping, cleaning and washing on weekends.household responsibilities.


Well, your prompt is not really asking this... it is asking you only about the problems -


... stay aligned with the prompt!

Writing Feedback / IELTS General Module Task 1 writing a letter to the restaurant manager [2]

My name is Adam Gerrard, I'm your neighbor that living in the next door of your restaurantand I live in the house next to your restaurant.I'd likeThe reason why I write this letter is to apologize in advance about thefor any inconvenience that could might happen because ofdue to some essential repairs that I will do in my home.need to carry out at my house.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Global warming - 'we should keep our environment' [5]


This sounds very confusing.... what do you actually mean? Your hook does not have to carry very advance vocabulary if they fail to generate a clear picture of the image. You have to bear this in mind very seriously.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: "Books" source is more important [4]

All of peopleEverybody in the world are learning and practicing for gettingin view of acquiring new knowledge.

I believe that many people in the world have experienced and practiced that are reason clearly of person life. .... what do you mean? this idea is not clear at all :(

Writing Feedback / Borrowing money and returning it will help to keep friends together. [3]

I think I have given the following guide line approach your intro several times. Hope you pay attention to that and I don't find you are following that approach.

Borrowing money form a friend can be an action that has many negative consequences. In my personal view, I believe that it can be very damaging to a healthy friendship.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Nature or nurture is more influential in children education? [5]

People have different views about whether our personality and development are affected by inherited characteristics or themore than by environment.

This is not a bad intro.

Writing Feedback / IELTS_News media is important in our society. [4]


Let's do this intro as per the structure Pahan provides :)
Media plays a very dominant role in our lives today.(hook). News media is especially important for lives today as we live in a highly competitive environment that makes our lives very busy.

Writing Feedback / IElTS: Traveling to and from the UK chart - increasing numbers after 1999 [4]

Well, I don't understand why you separate parts as A, B1,B2, C1. You seem to be having very good writing skills anyway :)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Technology impact on children's creativity. [4]

Yes, your essay looks pretty lengthy and you need to worry about that if you were not able to complete the task within the allocated time. This approach is a very efficient one which helps you earn a very good score as it contains all important features that get you a good score :) Not only that, this approach is very focused and therefore you do not waste time on paragraphs. This is a very efficient approach in terms of time management :)

Writing Feedback / IETLS task 2: Is it necessary to restict Long working hours in workplace? [9]


people seem to be workaholic - people is a plural word ....e.g. people do / man does


No, you don't have to talk about both sides.... talk about the side you choose - If you agree with the statement, then talk about the reasons to defend your choice. If you don't agree, then defend why you don't agree.... You need to talk about both sides if you choose a moderate stance like " I partially agree with ?????"... It is always easier to choose one side and keep batting ;)

Writing Feedback / Germany and France electricity generation 2009 [7]

The piespie charts present details ofshowGermany and France electricity generation in 2009 in Germany and France.The power of electricity in German 560 billion kwh and the power of electricity in France 510 kwh .... The scope of introduction is limited to introducing the graphs.


This is again not at all a good Overview. In the overview you need to talk about major trends. This is what I suggest;
Overall, Germany mostly depended on Conventional Thermal energy for its power generation while France had depended more on Nuclear energy for the same purpose. Biomass had been the main source of renewable energy in Germany while Hydroelectric had been the major renewable energy form in France.

Writing Feedback / IELTS ; Various genre of music ; Traditional more important that modern [6]


You can make this sentence much more interesting had you presented it is in a simpler way. Also, it has grammar issues too... you really have to pay attention to clarity of your sentences. Otherwise there is no point trying to write more advance words. Just get rid of that tendency. Think simple and write simple. That is the only way you can aim at a good score.

Writing Feedback / SAT: Are we free to make our decisions or are we limited by circumstances? [4]

It is better if you included your prompt also in the essay. It helps us understanding the topic better :)
Decisions and choices aren't easy to make because they can change our future and our lives and turn them into upside down no matter how small they arecan be


I think this you can improve a lot. First tell, people are forced or tempted to make wrong decisions depending on the circumstances they face. And then give the example :)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: if you had money, which one do you prefer. buying a car or going vacation [3]


Well, these two sentences mean almost the same :( One is enough because one makes the other redundant.
InFrom my point of view, going toon a vacation is a better idea than purchasing a car because of severaldue to following reasons.

First, by traveling makes every one becomes more experienced. .... very good point :)

Scholarship / Scholarship essay as an Energy Economist.. [3]


For me, this sentence sounds pretty dull :( Begin your essay with more energy :) Do not lengthen your sentences unnecessarily .


What does this mean? It is not clear to me the link between the two parts :( You say you enjoyed economics and then you say you appreciated wealth of resources the environment produces for human survival. You need to connect these two ideas better as they seem to be standing alone without delivering your actual idea clearly to the reader.

Letters / MUN MOTIVATION LETTER FOR BE PRESS MEMBER [3]

I agree with eddies .... also, you should present your writing more readable too.... you never begin a new sentence with a capital letter putting us in trouble to figure out whether it's a new sentence or not. This shouldn't be sms writing where you have more freedom to write just the way you like... Here you need to give more care about what you write and respect others who are willing to help you. I think you better re-post this with a more tidy presentation.

Writing Feedback / Culture in my hometown influences the increase cost of wedding party or marriage [7]


The word "culture" is getting repeated over and over again :( You need to present your ideas in a more organized and interesting manner. This is what I suggest;

Indonesia is a country consisting of many islands each having its authentic culture. These cultures have been carried forward from generation to generation by making lots of efforts to preserve their unique traditions and beliefs.

What is the topic of this essay? What had been the purpose of writing this? Those information are important for us to provide you with more meaningful comments.

Writing Feedback / lifetime spent in one job or move. IELTS TASK 2 [4]

First, a few admin requests - All threads relating to IELTS tasks should be opened in Writing Feedback forum which is the most appropriate forum for them. This has been transferred from Grammar Usage to Writing Feedback from us. Also, include your task prompt in the thread so that we know exactly what it requires from you and accordingly provide our feedbacks :)

Undergraduate / Reason why I attend APU essays; 'my dream - manager or business related career' [3]


I came to know about Ritsumeikan Asia Pacific University (APU) from my cousin who is currently studying there. I became so impressed with she told me about its duel anguage business education system and its student life. I then did some research on APU (better show them that you too did your own homework rather than believing what a third party said) and found out APU provides a course in International Management Study, which , in my view, fits me perfectly.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: traffic problems - some people in the world have a car for themselves [5]


This is a pretty weak hook :( Your hook should be an interesting idea that comes with a punch :) The hook should also be relevant to your topic.

Writing Feedback / 'good to be realized for government' - The tax of private car owners [5]


Don't open your essay with complicated sentences :( Here you leave the reader with so many questions - what are the many kinds of traffic problems you talk about?

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 : The percentage of school aged boys in 5 sports in the UK in 2010 [8]

It seems you have understood how this essay be structured. However, you need pay lots of attention to grammar and clarity in your sentences. Without those two aspects, any essay would sound extremely confusing.


The majority of boys of both age groups participated in Football. The least number of boys in both age groups participated in Swimming.

Writing Feedback / 'our life would be easier'; government's money for improving computer technology [3]

First of all, an improved computer technology will inevitably make our lives easier by offering very sophisticated and advanced solutions.Our current society is teeming with computers and electronic devices. In the near future, due to advanced technology, more computers will be developed and placed in the house of many citizens(I don't find much value addition from these sentences to your essay).

State the reason that you use to justify your position and then support it with an example. Do not have irrelevant facts in the body paras.

Research Papers / Hunting: Good for the Mind, Body and Spirit and the American Economy [4]


Hey... this applies to humans too :D .... So, what if another animal begins to hunt us down to help maintain human caring capacity? LOL
The license and game tag fees directly impactcontribute to the state's revenue.
Even when a hunt is not going onduring off season, hunters are constantly practicing and upgrading
These servicesservice requirementsallprovidejobscreate jobs for waiting tables, a cook, a cashier, a front desk clerk at the lodging, housekeeping for the lodging, gas store clerks and service people for repairs an maintenance on all the listed facilities.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Nowadays an increasing number of people change their jobs [4]

First, you should have included the prompt in the thread so that we know what it exactly expects from you and accordingly we could align our comments with those requirements.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1: USA marathon records by age and gender in hours. [6]

Please include the graph in this thread for us to provide you with more meaningful feedbacks. Use the Attch file(s) option to upload your images.

You seem to be following a good approach for this task. However, I wish you had two detail body paras instead of a conclusion. The conclusion is not really a must item for this task as this is aimed at assessing the students' report writing skills. It is an important feature for IELTS Task 2.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : UK Residence travel report [3]

BritonsBritish travelerscoming highest movement revealed the number ofhave mostly traveled abroad on holiday purpose recording 20.700 holiday trips in 1998, while the least 982 trips accounted for other purposing in 1994 which has increased from 15246 travelers in 1994 .

You need to improve your body para that comes with more details to be read more clearly.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Capital Punishment - is beneficial to penalize the recidivist [5]

However, in the side of humanistic viewfrom a more humanistic perspective, every human being should be honour for theirhas a right to live . God givinghas given people live life and it is cruel while living is decidedwhen it is deprived by the law.

Give specific examples to reasons you use for justifying your opinion.

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay: Parents should teach children about money [3]

It is always good to include the prompt in your thread so that we can provide you with more meaningful feedbacks.

I don't say this is a bad intro, however, I wish you introduce the background of the issue in its original sense.

Writing Feedback / Ielts: most popular sports - the pie chart [9]

As Pahan and fikri mentioned, you need to have your image uploaded. Without seeing the graph it is very difficult for us to provide you with more meaningful feedbacks.

Writing Feedback / Cities are the Ideal place to study Societies [8]

Pay attention to what Pahan suggested above regarding the intro.

Writing Feedback / ielts - Every year several languages die cut; Language as pride of every nation [13]


Sorry.... I saw your post a little later :)
What is your confusion? Is it regarding the approach I suggested?
Ok, let's do an intro following this approach;


As a result of globalization, many languages today are facing the threat of extinction. (hook) Some people view that this is not a serious issues and they believe that having a fewer languages is more beneficial rather than having so many languages and dialects. (background) However, I disagree with this viewpoint because I believe that every language represents the culture and sovereignty of a nation and therefore it is important to preserve these languages. (thesis statement -opinion)

Scholarship / 'Never leave an unfinished product on display' - personal statement essay [4]


Ever since, I always made sure that I finish what I have started, no matter how difficult it is.


... don't go back to the previous idea once again... I think you should take this sentence off from this essay.

I continued my education in my hometownhome country, Vietnam, until the end of elementary school.

Writing Feedback / Water cycles - process showing how water evaporates, condenses and precipitates [7]


This is not a good intro :( ... this is what I suggest;
The diagram illustrates the details of the water cycle which is the constant movement of water through the Earth and its atmosphere .


Good overview

Heating water by sun is causes water which is undergoing evaporation, and then water vapor condenses to form clouds

Undergraduate / Personal Statement Essay for UCAS for a Nursing Degree [5]


"child nurse"? Is this the term they use in this program? Or is it Pediatric nurse? Anyway, I favor the title "pediatric nurse" as it sounds more professional.


I still remember how they helped me recover when I had a major burn on my leg.
Wanting to be in the medical field leadled me to choosingchoose science in high school