Writing Feedback / Leisure is a growing industry [2]

Your restatement is still unclear. It is confusing and you are not properly assessing the original discussion requirements.

Original topic: Leisure is a growing industry, but people no longer entertain themselves as much as they used to
Original Reason: the use of modern technology has made them less creative.
Original Question: Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Your topic: Going to vacation is a trend nowadays (Error)
Your Reason : the reason behind the growth of travel sector (Error)
Response: I completely agree with the statement as with the advancement of technology over the period of time, holidays are becoming boring and more insensible as over dependency on gadgets like, mobile and camera are making us less imaginative. ( Error. Conflict of discussion representation based on your reasoning statement and an improper understanding of the discussion topic / outline from the original presentation)

If you say that going on vacations is a growing trend, then why are you saying that holidays are becoming boring? Why would people need to use gadgets if they are having a good time on vacations? The original prompt referred to leisure, not tourism or going on vacation ias growing industry. You misunderstood leisure to mean travel. Leisure is connected to entertainment, not travel. Your prompt restatement is so incorrect, your TA covers a totally different topic, travel, instead of leisure.

Proper restatement:
Entertainment is a progressively increasing field of business as people look for more creative ways to relax. However, staying amused is no longer limited to old school means such as taking up creative hobbies like photography and painting. Innovative new gadgets have caused people to use less of their imagination when entertaining themselves. I agree with this statement due to a couple of personal experiences.

You should have used 2 examples in 2 separate paragraphs to show how technology has limited the creativity of a person. In photography, it is the use of cellphone cameras that did that. Another example paragraph would have been with regards to painting. There are now paint by numbers and scratch painting kits available that no longer require the user to know how to draw or mix colors, thus reducing the need for creativity and the learning of new skills or abilities on the part the person doing the activity. These requirements that reduce creative thinking and activity have made personal entertainment boring.

Your concluding statement is not a reverse paraphrase. You went off and created your own discussion topics, reasons, and conclusions. The essay only partly addressed the task because of the following failures:

- Incorrect prompt restatement
- Incorrect response to the prompt question
- Under developed reasoning paragraphs
- Incorrect concluding summary

Scholarship / Australia Awards Scholarship - Master of Information Technology in Cyber Security [2]

The problem with your response is that you wrote an essay instead of a statement. You gave too much attention to the background instead of directly responding to the questions provided. You could shorten the essay is you change your approach to a direct response statement instead.

You should eliminate your opening and closing statements. Those are not necessary in the course of the reviewer's reading just offer the required information immediately to remain within the word count. For both universities, you are just explaining the course coverage to the reviewer instead of connecting the course you have chosen at the university with a specific problematic area of cybersecurity in Indonesia. Connect the studies to the problem. That explains why you chose the course, and why you chose the university. You could say:

I chose University X because it offers the course XXX. This course will help me understand how the problem of XXXX occurs within the cybersecurity field. I will learn about XXXXXX which directly relates to the weakness of Indonesian cybersecurity due the frequency of data hacking in Indonesian banks. Of particular interest to me are the courses in XXXXXX which will help me build upon my existing training and skills in XXXXXXXX

Plain and simple direct response. That is a basic template that you can use to develop your own response statement. Just make sure you include the data I offered in the sample.

Scholarship / Master of Urban and Regional Planning - why I chose my proposed course and institution [3]

Summarize your reason for choosing your proposed course. That is too long. What you have to focus on, is the applicability of the university masters course choices you have made. That is too short. You have to clearly explain how each university offers specific course that will help you address a specific problem in the water sector of your county. Think of two different problems that each masters course will specifically address. That way you offer a clear reason for your course choice and you make a clear connection between the problem and the studies you will be undertaking. You could actually address both universities within 2 paragraphs in relation to your proposed course. Just make sure you summarize specific problems when you address particular study goals for each university. You are not really expressing your study goals in relation to the problem and the studies. You are just giving a generic statement about the problems, but not an in-depth response as to how the course choice at the university helps you clearly solve the issue.

To be clear:

Master of Urban and Regional Planning in the University of Western Australia - What planning issues? Why is this a problem for your country?

Master of Urban and Regional Planning in the University of Queensland - specific knowledge in development, environmental planning, and geographic information system. Explain how the course relates to solving the deficit on water supply, mobility and public amenities for education and health remain significant in urban and rural areas.

See? All you need are 2 properly explained explanations for your interest in the universities and how the courses you have chosen will help ease the current situations.

Scholarship / Scholarship Essay for Australia Awards Q.2) How will the proposed study contribute to your career? [3]

It is too wordy. You have a limited set of characters with which to respond so you need to be clearer in your presentation of information. The most relevant response that you can present, in its totality, without having to use any other part of your current draft is:

Using Psychological ... parents across the country.

That particular section of your writing totally sums up how the study will contribute to your career. Fix your timeline reference though. Use future tenses as these events are yet to happen. Do not use any of the earlier and later parts of the essay. Just use this one section to represent a thorough and complete response. You do not need to spend time creating a scenario for the before and after studies aspect. Just present a response to the expected accomplishments you will be able to apply to your profession as a teacher after you complete the course.

Writing Feedback / Ielts Writing task 2: the cause and influences of traveling [2]

The essay was going strong until you took a misstep in the second reasoning paragraph. That is the part where you were supposed to present a single opinion. Either travel has a positive or negative impact. You cannot defend both. You cannot do that because the question asked "Is it a positive or a negative development. " Based on the scoring requirements for this test, you must provide a clear opinion regarding the given decision. You cannot say that yo agree with both because this is not a comparative opinion essay.

Note that you were not asked to discuss both points of view before presenting your opinion. That is the only time when you can use a comparative discussion and have a "maybe" response in the form of "both sides have benefits and negatives". In this case, you either see the events you described in the first reasoning paragraph as a positive or a negative, then explain why in the second reasoning paragraph. Your essay score will be low because you were indecisive about picking one side to support in the discussion and that, is going to be a bigger scoring problem for you than the grammar issues that your essay also has.

The only impact you should have discussed, for C&C purposes was "Ease of travel has created a positive / negative development in terms of travel (pick one side). The impacts to be considered are:

- Environmental (air pollution, global warming)
- Personal Debt ( with regards to how people can afford to easily travel)
- Destruction of natural environments due to tourism upgrades

Any of these would have worked well with your previous discussion as a continuing point of consideration (C&C). Your current second discussion lacks that connection with the previous paragraph so the discussion is not cohesive.

Writing Feedback / Writing task 2 - Discuss the view and give the opinion of dangerous sports [2]

In your reasoning paragraphs, you cannot start the second presentation with "I argue" because you have yet to present the second public point of view reasoning discussion. Whether you support it or not, you have to use a third person point of view at this point. You can only present your agreement int he 3rd reasoning section, which is your personal point of view discussion. You cannot have two personal points of view. Analyze the essay discussion requirement, it asks you to discuss both points of view (public) and then your personal (private) point of view so the statement format for the reasoning presentation is:

- Public 1
- Public 2
- Personal

Additionally, these essays are never debates or arguments. These are just discussions so do not use inflammatory terms such as "argue or debate". Simply indicate that you support or agree with the previous paragraph because (present your discussion topic). Elaborate on your reason within that paragraph. You do not need 2 paragraphs to do that. You end up writing the essay in the wrong format. Always count the discussion paragraphs and write it based on the points of view that need to be presented on an individual basis.

Use topic sentences to start your paragraphs instead of filler phrases like "on the one hand" or "on the other hand". These work well towards fulfilling the word count, but does not help to deliver a clearer explanation or a cohesive discussion. An example of your direct topic sentence is:

Governments have to ban dangerous games since these ones have a potential risk which players cannot control well.

Use a transition sentence at the end of the paragraph to help create a cohesive / connected transition from one paragraph to the next. For example. The previous paragraph could have ended with:

However, people who have been trained to participate in these sports should be able to safely perform the dangerous activities.

That sentence alone connects the existing paragraph to the next which you started with the connected discussion topic:

People who take part in these actions are experts...

Do you see how the transition sentence in the previous paragraph clearly indicates the transition to the next discussion topic? That is the coherence that the examiner will be looking for in your writing. The ability to properly reflect the connection between reason 1 and reason 2.

Additionally, your 3rd reasoning paragraph is too short. It does not contain a properly developed explanation and does not really prove a point. This happened because you tried to present 2 personal points of view, when only one is required.

The concluding paragraph is lacking in content. You gave a personal opinion without doing the following first:

- A 2nd version of the topic restatement
- A presentation of the 2 public pov
- Closing with a restatement of your personal point of view

As of now, I am focusing solely on the format errors in your essay for now because you need to make sure that you have the proper essay response presentation before anything else is considered. All the other grammar and vocabulary errors can wait to be corrected. We need to focus on your English comprehension skills first, clarity of your discussion second, and everything else third. The last part, the grammar and LR sources, are the least of your problems .

Scholarship / Some people think that children perform better in a single-sex school compared to a mixed school. [2]

Your prompt restatement is too short and does not properly respond to the given discussion question. You need to have 3 sentences at the very least, 5 at the most that represent:

- Prompt restatement
- Extent response
- 2 reasoning topics to be discussed

Example response:

There are students who go to gender specific schools. The students who go to these schools have parents who are opposed to neutral gender education academies. The reason they give is that the learners from the former schools tend to have higher accomplishments when compared to the latter teaching institution attendees. I fully agree with this point of view for specific reasons. These reasons relate to academic training and gender specific learning interests.

Your presentation lacks the response to the given question and the outline of the topics for discussion. While others will tell you that it would be best to be non-specific outline of the discussion topics, recent exam results have shown that by outlining the discussion topics at the start, the student score is helped in terms of TA considerations. It also helps the student keep track of the specific topics for discussion, that will allow for a fully developed reasoning paragraph instead of over discussing the essay while still lacking in properly developed discussion presentations.

Your essay already has 2 good reasons presented in the first reasoning paragraph. However, the lack of discussion development for each topic brought a lack of clarity to your explanation and created a problematic presentation in terms of cohesiveness and coherence. If you had chosen to simply use a transition sentence at the end of the first topic presentation, then presented the second topic as a separate, fully developed paragraph, the essay would have had a chance to score better in the C&C section.

The second reasoning paragraph does not relate to the first discussion. However, it contains 2 topic references that you could have also used as the specific reasoning discussions for your presentation. This creates a non-cohesive paragraph presentation as the paragraphs do not relate to one another in topic. Your reasons need to be related, which is what I explained to you in the previous paragraph. The discussion went from single point of view to an A/D discussion. Another common error among exam takers. This is a single point of view essay presentation.

Do not confuse the number of reasons presented with the clarity of the essay. You are not being scored on the reasons that you can present, you are scored on how well you can explain the reasons. So when presenting 2 separate discussion paragraphs, you have a chance to fully explain each reason. A chance you do not have when you try to present too many reasons, but are not capable of fully explaining each reason. Err on the side of caution. Use one topic per paragraph and focus on explaining your reason clearly instead.

Your second reasoning paragraph created a counter argument not required in the original prompt. You went against your own opinion as stated in the prompt paraphrase question response. So you just confused your own essay presentation. It is no longer clear to the examiner which side of the discussion you actually support. Always focus on proving your opinion response to be the right one. Never write a paragraph that creates a "maybe" in the discussion. That will negatively affect your scoring chances in terms of C&C considerations and TA requirements.

The concluding summary should repeat the prompt topic, your 2 reasons, and your opinion. Your current presentation does not properly accomplish the reverse paragraph requirements. Such an error will pull down your chances of a higher scoring essay.

Writing Feedback / Less international travel in the future. [2]

I will not score this essay on the individual scoring considerations because it will automatically fail in the TA section. This is not a passing essay because again, you failed to deliver a clear opinion given the question. There is no middle ground. You cannot say "I partly agree or disagree" because there is no option for "maybe" in the given discussion question. You need to pick a stance or opinion to support and then explain why you support it.

However, in your reasoning paragraph, you may use a comparative discussion stance ONLY IF it leads to a strong discussion of your singular support for a specific point of view. The formula for that type of discussion is:

- Present a positive or negative (pick one only) discussion topic
- Give a negative or positive ( pick one only) reason
- Offer an example that supports why positive or negative topic is really a positive or negative reason (pick one only)
- Explain why the example further supports your negative or positive reason (pick one only)

The idea is to show that for every positive perception, there is an equivalent negative reaction. Your job, is to prove either the negative (if you choose a positive topic sentence) or a positive (if you choose to use a negative topic sentence) discussion points in the 2 reasoning paragraphs. That is why you need to pick one specific stand for yourself. The problem is you refuse to make a clear decision regarding the discussion topic. Your TA score always fails because you fail to give a clear opinion based on the discussion choices. That is what I keep trying to explain to you in every essay that you write. Make a decision. Give one opinion in support of a given choice. Do not make up your own choice. That is a prompt deviation that always results in the examiner failing the exam taker. The reason being you showed that you did not understand the given discussion instructions. So, you cannot pass the test. If you cannot follow English instructions, you cannot follow the instructions provided for homework, research, and tests in an English only academic institution in the UK.

This is an advanced writing method that I am not fully convinced your can accomplish since you seem to have your own idea of how to write these essays. You cannot seem to understand what I am trying to tell you. This type of essay is never a comparative or A/D discussion essay. However, the format I gave you above should be simple enough for you to follow since it will allow you to do the discussion you want while still focusing on a single opinion discussion per paragraph. You have to learn to follow instructions in English and not keep making up your own instructions because that is what you want to write. If you do what you want, you will be able to write what you wish to, but the examiner will fail your test because you did not follow his instructions, which is what matters the most in scoring your essay. The instructions are there for scoring purposes, Follow the instructions. Choose one side to support or dis/agree with.

This is 4 paragraph essay. The conclusion should still focus on the single opinion that you support. Not a middle aisle opinion. That is not how this essay is designed to be responded to and until you learn that, you will keep getting low marks for not having a clear opinion in the essay.

Once you write an essay in the expected and proper format, you have my word that I will score your essay on an individual scoring consideration, even without your asking me to do so. You have my word.

Writing Feedback / Scientific research should be carried out and controlled by the governments rather than private [3]

In the restatement, your first sentence is marred by lack of clarity in the presentation. I am not sure what you mean by:

Nowadays, the question of whether governments should control scientific research or private companies has been receiving a great deal of public attention.

Actually, is sounds like a bad cut and paste of the original prompt. A clearer presentation would have been:

There has been an ongoing discussion regarding where the money for scientific research should come from. Should experimental explorations be financed by the political powers or civilian financing? I agree that state financing would be more beneficial in the long run. I have specific reasons for supporting government financing of science based research.

Make sure that your opening paragraph will always indicate:
- A clear restatement of the prompt. Do not use the same keywords from the original prompt.
- A response to the given question (agree or disagree)
- A reference to your discussion outline

You need to be clear in your restatement because that is what will tell the reviewer about what sort of English comprehension and explanation skills you have. Lack of clarity means you cannot express yourself properly in English to a native speaker.

The reasoning for the discussion should come form personal opinion or public knowledge. The reference to thalidomide babies would have been acceptable if it did not sound so much like researched information. A reference to a personal experience with the results of the drug use would have made the explanation less researched and more personal (My uncle is a thalidomide baby. He became that way, I was told, because of privately funded research...) See? The mere insertion of a personal example made the research less research sounding and more personal. It aligns better with the information requirements of the essay. By the way, don't use research when writing the practice tests. Whether you use CBT or the pencil test, you won't have access to the internet on exam day.

Both of your paragraphs lack a clear explanation for the topic sentences. That is because you are not able to properly explain yourself in English yet. You are also targeting only the presentation of information rather than the explanation of the information. You are not being scored on the amount of information you know. You are scored on how well you can explain and support your topic sentence. For starters, use only one topic sentence per reasoning paragraph. That way you can focus on the clear explanation that you have to deliver for your supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion should have 3-5 sentences. While you were correct to restate your support for the topic, you missed out on presenting:
- A restatement of the discussion topic
- The presentation of your 2 reasoning topics

Your opinion should have been the last sentence of the concluding summary.

Good effort but you need to focus less on topics and more on explaining the relevant, singular topic in the essay. Start with the basics, don't overreach with your writing. You are not an advanced writer yet. Just keep the topics and discussion reasons simple for now. You will slowly become an advanced writer.

Writing Feedback / Teaching national literature and history vs. world literature and history [2]

This is an extent essay. So the format for the discussion should be in a degree that supports the "extent" of your dis/agreement with the given statement. There needs to be a measured response with regards to your dis/agreement with the given discussion. Therefore, your response to the essay is incorrect as you do not directly address the given question, nor outline your relevant discussion topics for the next 2 paragraphs. You actually deviated from the original prompt discussion as indicated:

DI: To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Response: I believe it is also essential for children to know about other countries' literature and history.

That is a prompt deviation that shows a response which is not included in the original discussion instructions. There was an instruction misunderstanding on your part which led to the incorrect prompt response. You created your own discussion topic and format. These led to the lack of a clear opinion on your part, which was caused to your non-response to the provided question will surely cause you to get a non-passing TA score. While you do have a final decision presented in the conclusion, it is still not in accordance with the required discussion format (extent response) and therefore, cannot help to boost your TA score.

This is precisely why I always ask my students to ask me to explain the prompt to them, before they start to write their essays. If you are unsure about how to approach the discussion, or what the writing style for the prompt is, it is better to ask questions first, than to be sorry later. Writing a lot of words, in this case 333, does not help your essay since you did not provide the required discussion response at the start. That affected your overall response and, due the remaining errors in your writing based on the last scoring considerations, your essay will have difficulty in achieving even a 5 band score. Always present a clear position based on the discussion requirements. Do that, and you have passed half the test.

My advice, read the sample essays here, Learn from their mistakes but more importantly, learn what the proper approach to various Task 2 discussion instructions might be. Only by learning from the failure of others can you improve your own skills and avoid the same mistakes.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2: Nowadays, soft drinks are consumed at an alarming rate. [5]

In order to get a better TA score, you need to meet some sentence representation requirements:
- Proper restatement of the original prompt
- Direct responses to every question posed

This is called outlining your discussion points for the examiner. This will help to show that you understood the original topic, the discussion instructions, and the response format requirements. In this case, your restatement was alright, but the outline of the discussion is vague. A vague response normally results in a presentation that does not offer a clear discussion per paragraph.

Now, the essay is not asking you to provide several reasons and solutions with regards to the sugary drinks problem. You should have used the 4 paragraph format for this discussion offering:

Par. 1: The prompt restatement and discussion topic presentations (reason-solution in the singular)
Par. 2: A thorough discussion of a single reason
Par. 3: A clear discussion of a solution in relation to the previously stated reason (for coherence and cohesive scoring purposes)
Par. 4: A summary of the preceding discussion (topic, reason, solution, closing statement)

You have a formatting problem in your 1st reasoning paragraph that left the presentation under developed. You used too many word fillers and not enough relevant explanations and expanded example discussion in the presentation. A more appropriate format would have been:

-Topic sentence
- Explanation
- Example
- Reason or explanation that relates the previous explanation of the topic to the example

There was no need to present a second reason as there was no plurality involved in the reasoning discussion. The paragraph would have been fully developed and explained if you had used the format above and also, omitted the discussion of the second reason as a part of that paragraph. Since you also offered under explained and unrelated solutions, you cannot expect to get a high TA score for your essay.

TA score 6. You could score better once you learn to develop connected reasons and acquire the ability to use transition sentences/phrases/words that will help you move from one paragraph topic to the next paragraph topic. Again, unless plural reasons and solutions are specified, use only one of each to help you fully cover all the required discussion points.

C&C would be 5. Like I said, you did not adequately develop your explanations, there was no use of transition statements from paragraph to paragraph, and the discussion topics you presented as per reason and solution requirements were not fully connected from one discussion to the next. Hence the lower score.

LR score is a 6. You have an adequate grasp of basic English vocabulary to help you explain yourself in the paragraphs. The words used sounded normal and not as if you were merely trying to impress the examiner. Which is the main reason for the better LR score. You sounded like you were just having a proper basic English conversation. Try to use some natural sounding advanced words to help increase the score next time. Or, whenever you are ready. Keep building on your vocabulary by watching more English programs and reading more electronic and print media in English. Yes, even English subtitles in movies count.

GRA, is another 6 score. Any grammar errors you have do not create a difficulty in understanding your explanations. However, that does not mean that you provided complete explanations. Do not confuse the GRA review with the TA review. You still lack properly developed paragraph discussions as per the TA scoring requirements. The GRA score just means that, without considering the TA requirements, you presented some well written sentences in terms of punctuation mark usage and simple to complex sentence development. Nothing more.

Final score, based on my scoring considerations could at the 6 mark. You have shown the potential to reach and 8. You just need to practice more and develop your discussion clarity based on the different Task 2 discussion types.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing task 1: Lifespan of salmon [4]

The proper presentation format for the task 1 essay requires a 3 paragraph presentation offering:
- Summary overview = Trending statement
- First data analysis
- Second data analysis

You compressed your illustrative report too much. Learn to divide the presentation into separate paragraphs such as:
- Summary overview
- Beginning cycle
- End cycle

If you are taking the CBT test, use the Enter key to separate your summary overview from the next paragraph. Use two Enter keystrokes to create the space between paragraphs. Otherwise, the paragraphs look like connected sentences. If you are using the pencil test, leave enough space , about one space between the paragraph presentations.

That way you meet the formatting requirements. Don't forget, use between 3-5 sentences per paragraph to meet the individual paragraph sentence requirements. If you don't, you run the risk of writing using run-on sentences instead of a mix of simple and complex sentence.

You do not use enough punctuation marks in the essay. You should be using a mix of commas, periods, and semicolons in the presentation. For example:

YV: The eggs are hidden under reed and small stones for about five to eight months until they hatch into baby salmons termed "fry" and measure three to eight centimetres in length.

MV: The eggs are hidden under a reed and small stones for about 5 to 8 months. The eggs then hatch and are identified as "fry". The fry measures anywhere from 3 to 8 centimeters in length.

Using a period more frequently in the presentation helps to clarify the explanation to the reader. When you do not use enough punctuation marks, it becomes difficult for the reader to follow the train of thought and information presentation. Always cut up the presentation into mixed length sentences. Make sure you have only one set of data per sentence. That should help keep the data presentation clear and understandable to the reader. Here is another sample:

YV: During this time, smolts grow quickly in size and reach 70 to 75 centimetres long to be called adult salmon
MV: During this time, smolts rapidly increase in size, with its sizes ranging from 70 to 75 centimeters. These smolts are then called "adult salmon".

As you can see, you can write more words in the essay, provided the words help to add to the cohesiveness and coherence of each sentence / paragraph. Don't get me wrong, you wrote well. It's just that, there is room for improvement in your work.

Writing Feedback / Money is the best option when choosing a career, do you agree or disagree? [3]

When you are asked if you agree or disagree, that is cue to choose only one topic to discuss in the essay. You either support the statement or you don't. Your 2 discussion paragraphs should work towards supporting and proving that you have the correct opinion. Never use a comparative discussion for this essay. When you use a comparative discussion, your essay comes across as not having a clear opinion when one was required by the prompt. In fact, your essay even changed the discussion requirements, which means your essay has an incorrect discussion format from beginning to end.

Discussion Question: do you agree or disagree?
Response: I personally believe that money and some other factors such as working environment and vacation should be equally put into consideration

You changed the dis/agree essay into a comparative personal opinion discussion, which is not what the discussion instruction was. The response was simple as "I disagree with the statement" ,or "I do not believe in the stated opinion" , or any variation thereof that would signify a direct dis/agreement with the given discussion topic. Remember, the purpose of the essay is to have you choose one side of the discussion, and successfully talk about why you (do not) support the statement. It is not a middle of the aisle opinion essay. You can only do a comparative discussion in "discuss both points of view" essay instructed discussions.

As such, the essay will not receive a passing mark due to the error in discussion presentation. You also have several presentation errors that would pull down your score based on individual scoring considerations. I will not review those errors now because I prefer to address the bigger problem than the minute ones that really, won't help you achieve a passing score anyway.

Graduate / Career change from Finance to Bioinformatics - MS SoP review [2]

This is an excellent personal statement. It doesn't really provide the necessary information to prove that you have a method by which you can transfer the knowledge from finance to bioinformatics. However, it provides an excellent backgrounder as to why you would be successful in this field based on the development of your interest. So you should use this as a motivational letter or a personal statement.

For the SOP, you should focus on providing information regarding your finance background that directly relate to your interest in bioinformatics. Your background in statistics could be used to provide information about the purpose of your studies, which is to get more funding for bioinformatic research. Convince the reviewer that your finance studies will help you provide increased assistance to bioinformatics scientists. Focus on the 3 tenets of bioinformatics in relation to finance: Using statistics, you can organize molecular biology data, help to develop programs and tolls to analyze the information, and to create useful conclusions based on the results.

Discuss your interest specifically in statistics and how you hope to help apply it to your change in career. It isn't a far fetched idea. It isn't a long jump either. You just need to make sure that you highlight your statistical skills in relation to your purpose, whatever that may truly be.

Writing Feedback / Nowadays, the number of plants and animals is decreasing. What are the reasons and some solutions? [3]

You need to remember that a cohesive discussion is one that has 2 related discussion topics per paragraph. In your first reasoning paragraph, you presented the idea that forest reclamation for urban building is one of the major causes of the loss of plant and animal life. That is an excellent reason. The problem though, is that you used global warming as a second reason. That does not relate to the first reason you presented. That disconnects from the first discussion topic. A connected discussion topic would be a reference to the building of new roads that require the clearing of forests and destruction of the natural habitat of animals. Using these 2 connected discussion topics, you can use a single example to help support your claim and allow for related discussion reasons to support this stance. At the moment, your paragraph lacks clarity and shows under developed idea presentations. That stems from the lack of smooth connectivity between your topic sentences. If the topic sentences cannot share an example and reasoning, then the paragraph will be underdeveloped and lack clarity in the presentation. Your essay will definitely lower C&C points because of the confusing discussion presentation.

The same problem exists within your solutions discussion. The solutions do not relate to the previous discussion topics in total. While the replanting of plants and moving of animals to a new or protected habitat would help, the government response fines and imprisonment does not flow with the first solution. A more related solution would be for the government to assign protected forest areas in relation to clearing areas for urban building and requiring land developers to build around the forest, without having to destroy too much of it to create new roads or building residences and office buildings.

You have some good ideas. The problem is that it does not really connect as discussion points. Like I said, the lack of commonality in the discussion is what creates the non-cohesive and incoherent discussion paragraphs. Those are the main reasons the essay will not get a satisfactory score in an actual test.

You also have grammar issues:
can not = cannot ;meaning unable to rather than, able to but not able to (can not)
When listing a series of related items, always use a comma before the word "and".
Avoid the use of ellipses with a comma. It is more formal to use the comma alone.
Never use an exclamation point in your presentation. Although a punctuation mark it signifies a strong, angry, and loud emotion in the presentation. You are only discussing things so stick to a comma, period, colon, semi-colon, parenthesis... never an exclamation point.

Writing Feedback / How many marriages and divorces took place in the UK, in the period of 25 years [3]

You have shown a talent for analyzing the images. However, identifying the images and properly presenting the data in a report format are two different things. Remember, coherence is found within the length of the sentence presentations. That means a sentence that is short, but includes a clear reference to one piece of information will be better understood and remembered by the reader than a sentence composed of 2 ideas in one presentation.

There is a tendency for you to overwrite in your sentences because you are focused more on the presentation of the ideas rather than the clarity of the information. Always aim to present clear information rather more ideas in one sentence. It helps you avoid the creation of run-on sentences, allows you to truly develop simple and complex sentences, and helps you achieve the minimum 3 sentences per paragraph presentation.

Always do a second review of the image after you complete your draft. Look for information you may overlooked the first time. In this case, the year 1990 provides an interesting comparison point. The rate of marriage and divorce overlapped at a rate of more or less 205 thousand.

Which reminds me, you forgot to indicate the measurement unit in the summary overview. You should have included that the factors were measures in the thousands. Additionally, you should have included a listing of the factors measured. You only mentioned 2 out of 4. You should have found a creative way to represent the other 2 sectors in the overview. The trending statement could have mentioned all 4 as follows:

The data measured covered the total marriages, 1st marriages, 2nd marriages, and divorces. The 15 year trend highlighted an increase in 2nd marriages and divorces, while indicating a downward measurement for first marriages. The total number of marriages hit a plateau in 1995 before starting to rise again in the year 2000.

Writing Feedback / How to write an essay in TOEIC : You prefer working in the small or large company? [3]

Do me a favor and include the essay prompt you are responding to next time. It will serve as my guideline for reviewing your written work. Just a short summary of the prompt will do inclusive of:

- Topic
- Discussion points
- Direct question

Thanks.

When you write a TOEIC essay, the minimum word count is 300 words. The current essay you have is only 286 words. So you are short in terms of presentation, discussion, defense, and examples. In order to write a proper TOEIC essay, you have to first, meet the minimum word requirement for the essay. You can write more than 300 words, but do not go over 450 words. Just write the right number of words that will allow you fully develop paragraph presentations of more than 5 sentences, six to eight would be sufficient, and also, allow you time to review your essay response prior to submission. With 30 minutes to write the essay, you have more than enough time to allot to your:

- Outlined thoughts
- Draft response
- Revised response
- Final version response

The essay presentation itself has excellent starting points. The problem, is you do not follow through using clear examples and additional explanations based on your examples. The paragraph presentations could use more opinion development. Right now, there is no clear sense of how these discussions apply to you because you keep saying "You" instead of "I". You are commonly asked for your direct opinion for things, so first person pronoun references should be used in strategic places within the essay. In this case, using it in the example section would be most suitable for the presentation.

The conclusion should not suddenly become an A/D conclusion. It should remain solidly within your opinion, which is the benefits of working for a small company. It is only your opinion that matters, about what you are comfortable with. The other side does not need representation in the writing.

To achieve the 300 word count, don't forget to use examples and thresh out the supporting explanations for it. These are the reasons why most of your discussions deliver a sense of not being a complete explanation. It is also the reason why you did not meet the minimum word count.

Grammar issues, do not use ellipses after a comma. Use only 1 punctuation mark per sentence, you cannot use multiple punctuation marks because you confuse the reader with regards to the implied emotion of the sentence ( ,... = Do you mean to pause or to show an unspoken train of thought? Confusion.)

Use everyday English words in this test. While you are still scored on vocabulary usage, you will not normally be using the word "comply" in light English office discussions. The words you use should feel natural and common place to show your practical use ability of the English language.

Writing Feedback / Task 1 - Line Graph indicates the average yearly money spent on mobile phones and stationary phone [5]

Vocabulary:
Overally = Overall (possible typing error)

Writing Clarity: Learn to identify when a simpler word will help you get a better LR score. Using a simple word that better suits the meaning of the sentence works better than an obviously forced "big" English word meant to impress the examiner. You will get a better consideration if the sentence and paragraph sounds more academically natural.

- ... the first five years witnessed a dramatic rise... - five years saw a dramatic...

Exaggerated Word Use:
Unbeatable, dramatic, sharp, left far behind, - Simply state the data as provided in the graph. Do not make exaggerated assumptions or give opinions since you are not writing an opinion essay.

The summary overview is not really a complete paragraph. While the trending statement can be a single stand alone sentence, the summary overview needs to provide the key information coming from the graph. Your summary should contain:

- Image identification - provided
- Measurement basis - provided
- Type of measurement - not provided (measured in hundred dollar values)
- Source of data - not provided
- Years of survey- provided

Your summary overview is also not in the proper format, Use individual sentences to represent the summary information as outlined above. That way you meet the minimum 3 sentence requirement per paragraph. Remember, if the information is included in the image, you have to include it in your report. Do not skip any key information that will prove the accuracy of your data.

The essay is improperly formatted in the sense that you should have 3 complete paragraphs presented, you only have one long paragraph presented in the second part of the presentation. You should have divided that into:

Par. 2 - cellphone information
Par. 3 - Fixed landline information

There was also a failure on your part to make a reference to the overlapping point for the cellphone and landline information. The overlapping information is for the crisscrossed amount of approximately $550 in 2006. Attention to the overlapping details can help boost the TA section of your score.

Synonyms:

Mobile phone - portable phone, pocket phone, cell phone, digital phone, cellular phone, cell telephone, android device
Fixed Landline - corded telephone, static telephone, base phone, cordless phone

Writing Feedback / advantage and disadvantage essay - With the rise of e-books comes the decline in paper books. [2]

The maximum paragraph requirement of the task 2 essay is 5. You are over by 1 paragraph because you over complicated your discussion outline. A simpler, and more applicable discussion outline for this 4 paragraph essay would have been:

Par. 1: Restatement with topic subjects for the reasoning paragraphs
Par. 2: e-books are easier to get + e-books are cheaper to buy
Par. 3: e-book readers have eye restraint issues + e-books do not give you a real book feeling
Par. 4: Reverse conclusion

You may have an under developed paragraph in paragraph 3 because the eye strain, not eye restraint issues are not connected with the real book feeling. Always use connected discussion topics so that you will have a fully developed and discussed paragraph presentation. My take:

Par. 3: e-book readers have eye strain issues + ebook readers need to use glasses earlier than real book readers

Writing Feedback / You have just spend a week with a friend for holiday. You realised you had left your wallet there. [2]

Spelling Errors:
Fedex ( Proper Noun) - FedEx
noddle = noodle

Vocabulary Errors:

Wonderfully / wonderful - both words mean excellent, great or marvelous. However, wonderfully indicates more of an emotion than a setting so it would have been better to have said "wonderful holiday"

Tense presentation:
The beef noodle WAS so delicious - past tense
I was realized - (present tense)
I believed I left - (present tense)

Action reference:
I was hurrying up during WHILE packing
... envelop in A separate mail...
drop it OFF at the nearest...
... charge it DIRECTLY to my...

You got the message across. You were able to follow the discussion instructions. The problem, is that your sentence structures were highly problematic. As you can see from the errors above, you need to do more sentence building exercises. Doing so should help you improve your sentence formation and presentation skills.

Writing Feedback / Do you like watching films at home or in the cinema? Why [7]

I am not sure if this is a practice IELTS or TOEFL test. Perhaps you are just practicing your English writing skills. Whatever the purpose of the essay, I'll just give you a grammar review since you did not provide a discussion or writing instruction for your presentation.

You have sentence structure issues in your presentation. Mostly incorrect word usage such as:

I prefer to watching films at home = I prefer to BE watching films at home
or
I prefer to WATCH films at home

- It all depends upon whether you want to express it as a current action activity or a future action activity.

Conciseness problem:
I have to manage my works = I must manage my work schedule

In formal academic writing, words are always fully spelled out (I'm = I am, It's = It is).

Vocabulary usage in terms of adjective use ( use clearer words to add to the clarity of your discussion)
... the easy way to pause or replay = ... the straightforward way...

Writing Feedback / The chart illustrates changes in the figure for electricity generated by three different sources [3]

You have a tendency to use run-on sentences in your essay. You will score better if you learn to separate your sentence topics instead of presenting all of them in one statement. That is confusing and does not really result in complex sentence presentations. Rather, your GRA score will be lower because you successfully confused the reader in relation to your content presentation. This is particularly evident in your summary overview that should have had 3-5 sentences in the presentation covering various key data from the line chart.

Work on your vocabulary. Don't use common phrases and descriptions such as "different sources", that shows a shallow English vocabulary that will not increase your LR score. However, if you had said something like "dissimilar sources", you would have shown a better access to English words that could help increase the LR score for your essay. Good work on creatively mentioning the 3 energy sources in the summary. It was interesting and would have definitely helped you get a better TA score.

Writing Feedback / Advertisements have appeared ubiquitously in today's daily life [4]

You are scored mainly, on your ability to analyze and respond to the given question, without changing the discussion instructions. Unfortunately, you changed the discussion instructions in your essay, which will give you a starting score / base score of 3 The score is based on how you failed to present a clear position given the discussion instructions. This resulted in an improperly discussed essay response presentation.

Discussion Instruction: It is a positive or negative development ?
Your Response: this phenomenon has undeniable perks as well as negative influences

You opted to discuss both points of view, turning the essay into a A/D discussion rather than the required single opinion essay. The single opinion is represented by the word "or" in the discussion instruction. "Or" signifies that you have to make a choice regarding 2 different decisions. In this case, either you believe that this a positive development or, you believe that it has negative results. The discussion response should have indicated:

I believe that this is a positive development in terms of job opportunities and consumer interest.

From there, the 2 discussion paragraphs should have discussed the positive job opportunities in individual paragraphs. One topic each.

Reasoning paragraph 1: the field of advertising has provided stable jobs and part-time jobs for a lot of people
Reasoning paragraph 2: customers are kept informed about newly launched products

No negative discussions should be presented because you are expected to give 2 convincing reasons to the examiner that should prove your opinion is the correct one. Hence, this is a single opinion essay, not an A/D essay. Only one of the 2 alternative discussion choices should be supported in your overall presentation.

Writing Feedback / The issue of communicating using the second language in foreign countries [4]

The essay will most definitely get a score of 1. The overall discussion format is incorrect. There is no extent response, there is no discussion that relates to the defense of your extent response, there is nothing, in the presentation that will tell the examiner that you understood what the discussion topic was, what the discussion requirements are, and what format the response was to be delivered in:

Topic: Living in a country where you have to speak a foreign language can cause serious social problems, as well as practical problems.
Discussion Question: To what extend do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Your restatement:

Topic: Nowadays, the issue of communicating the second language in foreign countries has been receiving a great deal of public attention. (Although not totally accurate, it is acceptable.)

Discussion Response: Although newcomers may get troubles in the first time in new countries, most people will easily overcome this situation.

The error? The question is, whether or not living in a country where you do not speak the same language will cause problems for you. Your discussion response was about how to overcome the situation. That is totally unrelated to the task instruction. Hence the failing score for your essay.

Your problem is that you dealt with the essay as a problem-solution presentation when it was simply a single opinion extent (yes or no) response. By changing the discussion format, you did not meet the discussion requirements so your increased word count was totally useless. No matter how long your essay is, if you do not have the proper response format, the essay is bound to fail in the actual test.

Writing Feedback / With the growing world population, there's the problem of feeding such a large number of people [3]

It would be best to not make hyperbolic claims in your discussion. An example of a hyperbolic claim is, "Nobody can deny that..." Anybody can deny the claim made in the original discussion. That is why the question for the discussion is, "To what extent do you agree or disagree?" That clearly means that anybody discussing the prompt properly, would know that they may disagree with the given topic and in the process, deny that the topic is incorrect or does not exist. Your response to the question still does not properly reflect a response to the question. It is not about your belief, it is about the extent of your agreement or disagreement with the topic. Hence:

I strongly support this idea due to several personal beliefs.

Would have been the better response.

Your first reasoning paragraph is under developed. The statement was going fine when you were discussing the first topic. The problem is that you added 2 more topics to a paragraph that needs only 5 sentences to prove the clarity and coherence of the discussion. The last 2 discussion point were not well explained and did not effectively connect with the first topic. Stick to one topic per paragraph. In situations where "reasons" are required, just make sure the 2 reasons actually have a commonality so that the C&C requirement will be met.

The second paragraph turned the direct response / opinion essay into a comparative discussion. The question was "To what extent do you agree or disagree?" You already indicated a strong agreement with the statement in the paraphrase. That agreement should be proven in the 2 reasoning paragraphs. The overall essay loses cohesiveness when you change the discussion to a C/C essay. Unless the essay asks you to "Compare / Discuss both points of view", you do not use that format. Majority of the essays as single opinion defense topics. Do not change the discussion style, you will lose major TA and C&C points when you do that.

Cohesiveness comes from the way you discuss related topics in the essay. Cohesiveness is provided by the way you focus on the single discussion instruction or question. Cohesiveness helps you pass the test. Coherence comes from the way you fully develop the explanations by the use of one or two related fully developed reasons in your reasoning paragraph presentation. All the reasons and discussions need to relate to the original discussion instruction in order to meet the discussion requirements.

You did not properly present a reverse paraphrase as the conclusion. You just a single run-on sentence. You have to divide that within 3-5 sentences. Just present:

- The topic
- Your opinion
- Reasons you provided
- Closing sentence

Apply the corrections to your next essay that carries the same discussion requirement. I am sure you will see the difference in your work.

Writing Feedback / Today parents spend little free time with their children. Why is it the case ? Who are more affected [3]

There are actually 2 prompts that are connected to the discussion title you provided. Since you did not provide the actual prompt in the essay, upon which your score would have been based, I cannot score your essay. Unfortunately, any student who tries to guess the score you might get will find his account suspended because student scoring is not allowed at the forum. So I do not suggest any students try to score your essay on a hunch or guess either. I'll give you a general review now and score your next essay, if you remember to provide the discussion topic and instructions for it.

The first errors that i noticed in your work is that you wrote 340 words. While I know you can type fast, that does not assure me that you would be able to get a passing score or high score for your work because of several score lowering errors you made in the presentation. Let me outline those errors below:

Spelling Errors:
childrens = children (children is the plural form of child)
offsprings = offspring (review the words that have the same singular and plural forms)
extracurriculum - extracurricular (error in word choice)
Moveover - Moreover (meaning in addition to what has been said)

Grammar Errors:
- When typing, please remember that you should not place a space between the last word and a punctuation mark, specially after a comma or period.

- You do not need a hyphen when saying "badly orientated"
- Lack of word formality when indicating "the reason why". It is too informal in an academic presentation. Rather, indicate "the reason...", skip the "why".

Conciseness Errors:
- Refrain from using word fillers such as "in particular" and "as long as".

Formatting Errors:
- The discussion paraphrase and concluding paraphrase need to have at least 3 sentences in it to meet the paragraph count requirement. It must state: The topic, the reasons, who is more affected, for starters. I am not sure what the rest of the discussion instructions are so I cannot offer you more help in the discussion accuracy area.

Writing Feedback / Society should make efforts to save endangered species if humans affected [5]

You should definitely work on your content. The main reason being, you did not discuss the factors are indicated in the prompt requirement. Your thesis statement is faulty and unrelated to the original discussion. For comparison purposes:

Topic: Society should make efforts to save endangered species only if the potential extinction of those species is the result of human activities.
Your Topic: Government is trying to apply certain types of policy ...intervention or natural cause.

You did not properly restate the prompt, establish the discussion reasons, and state what the suggested animal preservation policy is, along with your opinion as required by the discussion:

Efforts to save low animal species facing extinction have been proposed for several decades now. One of the newest policies to be proposed is to prepare preservation plans for the fauna only if it can be proved that the low species rate is being caused by the actions of people. I find that this proposal to be moot because it has already been proven that the actions of man have a direct hand in the eradication of various animalia .

After clearly restating the discussion points and indicating your position, you can begin to present your reasoning discussion points. The point of the essay is to prove that the potential policy is faulty due to several underlying circumstances. You have not proven that point, nor have you rebutted any potential opposition to your point of view, as required by the discussion. The essay does not focus on the policy but rather the reasons for animal extinction, which was not the point of the essay. The discussion wanted you to prove or disprove the soundness of the policy based on the validity of the claim it is making. You failed to do that in this essay.

You have to make sure that you clearly understand what the discussion points, reason for discussion, and discussion expectations are so that you can clearly present an analytical point of view in your presentation.

Writing Feedback / Writing Task 1 - The figure for marriages and divorces in the UK over a period of 25 years [3]

There are certain grammar situations wherein the singular form of a word is the same as the plural. Thousand is one of these types of words. When it comes to presenting the numerical form, 500 thousand is already the plural form. In order to avoid making this mistake in the future, which will result in GRA points deductions, it would be better for you to use the numerical form (500000) rather than the word form. You should also take note of the verb formations in your presentation. It is incorrect to say "increase to reached a peak..." The correct sentence formation is "increased to reach a peak" The time reference should be within the verb "increase" not "reach".

By the way, you were short one sentence in the summary overview. You forgot to mention the measurement type used in relation to the numerical value in the thousands. You also did not do a complete comparison discussion of the chart. If you look at the figures for 1190, there was an overlap in the presentation for divorces and second marriages. The instruction for this essay included a discussion point for "make comparisons where necessary", the overlap in information is one of the important comparison points of the essay.

Writing Feedback / Tourism except benefits can also pose several problems [4]

My apologies. The vocabulary explanation for a different post was accidentally attached to your essay. No worries though. You can keep the vocabulary lesson in mind for future use. That is, should the need arise.

Writing Feedback / From the chart: Australians in terms of physical activity they partook in on a regular basis in 2010 [3]

For information conciseness, you should have included an indication of the age brackets. Something along the lines of "Ages measured ranged from 15 to 65 and over" would have helped add clarity to your summary overview. An inclusion of the measurement type, the percentage, would have also allowed you to present a complete presentation. You would have completed the summary of data requirements that way.

In your first data indicative paragraph. the 10 %lower figure for women should have been presented. It was included in the graph results so it should have been included in the report you wrote. Never leave an open ended information presentation. Always include all the facts so you can create an accurate data report. That will be your opportunity to show the examiner that you have the analytical ability to deliver a complete and properly formatted data report, which will increase your TA score. Complete the comparison discussion every time.

You don't need to indicate that the figures are similar if you are not going to do a comparative analysis of the figures. Such as statement requires the presentation of information to show the truth to your claims. Remember, this is a data report. Accuracy is just as important as the clarity of your explanations and grammar range.

Writing Feedback / Tourism except benefits can also pose several problems [4]

There are two tourism discussion topics that could apply to your A/D essay. Without the clarity of the original prompt, I cannot accurately consider the responsiveness of your response. I base the majority of your essay review on the prompt requirements. Please remember to upload it next time. Thank you. Students, please do not post what you think is the correct prompt for this essay. The OP is responsible for that.

The essay discussions always require the student his own knowledge or personal experience within the discussion essay. So you should avoid terms such as "According to research" which obviously goes against the discussion requirements. Always make it appear that your response is based on your personal knowledge. Just state the information. There is no need to say where it came from. In fact, the examiner will not even care if the information you provide is accurate. You can make information up, Just make sure that you explain it clearly in your presentation. The examiner is looking for the following points in your presentation every time:

- A clear topic sentence
- A clear explanation of the topic sentence
- A relevant example in relation to the topic sentence
- A reason that supports the topic sentence and example

Provide those sections in every paragraph and you definitely get a decent C&C score. All those information need to be presented in a general pronoun using way (second or third person). Or, if indicated, you can use first person pronoun references (What is your opinion? Present your opinion?" Do you dis/agree?)

Please learn to edit your work before you consider it finalized. Spelling and grammar errors can make you fail the test:

Foreign tourists coming yo Vietnam -...TO Vietnam...

Grammar Errors:

Never capitalize a word after a comma (... for humans, theirhabitats... )

... the open o f tremendous travel agencies = ... the OPENING of...

... making them dying hungry = ... making them die hungry.

Comma usage: Look up the rules regarding when and when not to use a comma in a sentence. In the following instance, a comma was required:

... Vietnamese cuisine, traditions, and customs.

The comma before "and" helps to clarify the presentation.

LR Error:

The affects of... = the effects of...

Affects = produces an effect

Effect = something produced by cause

So, even without the prompt requirements, we can clearly see that there are errors in your presentation. There are still other errors in the presentation but my post is already running too long. I'll leave you with these errors to consider for now. These should be enough to get you started with your English grammar lessons. Base your next set of grammar studies on the errors you made in this essay.

Writing Feedback / Writing task 2 - Education is free. Do you agree or disagree? [2]

There are actually 2 discussion prompts based on your discussion topic. Since you did not provide the original prompt, I will be unable to review your essay for task responsiveness. Kindly remember to provide the original prompt next time so that you can get a comprehensive review of your work. Students cannot post the prompt for you in this thread. However, they may give a general comment about your work. Topic discussion has to be avoided because the prompt they opt to use for that review could be incorrect, thus providing you with misinformation, which will not help you improve your writing skills.

Grammar Issues:

Do not use an apostrophe when referring to the plural form of a word. Parent is the singular form of the word parents, which is the plural representation of the ancestor of the children. Children is the plural form of "child:.

There are times when presenting 2 connected discussion points in a sentence,does not require the use of a comma before the word "but" to indicate an emphasis in your statement ( This is not only fair but will also...)

Formal words need to spelled out. This is an academic paper so always use the complete words ( don't = do not, doesn't = does not, ) An academic tone is required to show respect to the reader and an ability to write in a formal setting. Avoid using language shortcuts in an academic essay, research, or opinion paper.

Use topic sentences instead of word fillers / introductions to create clarity in your paragraph presentations. The following is an introduction filler that decreases the clarity of your presentation:

...one point which I believe to be absolutely pivotal is the fact that

Just get to the point:

Secondly, the cost of comprehension like tax these students turn over to the government and school

By the way, that section, even in the original does not make sense. Something got lost in translation from your language to English.

Spelling Errors:

Bejing = Beijing

I could have done a better review of your work if the prompt were provided. Please do not forget to give the discussion instructions next time. Thanks.

Writing Feedback / The advantages and disadvantages of living in the modern world [4]

There are several prompts that can apply to your writing. Unless I know which specific prompt you are using, I cannot review your essay for task accuracy. Students are not allowed to provide the prompts in the essay thread for the OP. Only general comments and reviews can be made in your essay because of the lack of prompt and discussion requirements.

You definitely are a fast typist. You have proven that in this essay. However, typing 326 words does not impress the examiner because you typed fast, but failed to check your essay for errors in grammar and spelling. So, writing a long essay became futile because you did not ensure that you would leave time to edit, proofread, and content check your essay for accuracy. You would still get score lowering deductions. It is more important to write well, not write lengthily. Length does not equal perfect writing. Length normally indicates faulty writing because you did not allot time to review your essay within the 40 minutes allotted. All you needed to check the essay for content was 10 minutes towards the end of the writing time. Try that next time. Leave 10 minutes to review and edit your essay. You will spot correctable errors that could have lowered your potential score.

Spelling errors:
envidence = evidence
color = colour (UK spelling as opposed to American English)
widespreading = wide spreading

Grammar errors:

There is no such thing as widespreading. You wanted to say instead that "The pandemic has been prevented from spreading quickly..."
Use the space bar to separate word presentations. "Evidence,it" should be "evidence , it" .
World is where people live. Word is a is a unit of language. See the error you made that would definitely pull down your LR score?

If you say something can be denied, that means you are saying there is truth to an argument. However, your sentence indicates that you meant to say that "it CANNOT be denied" meaning there is a truth to an idea or presentation. Word choice matters in the presentation. The more errors you make, the lower your score becomes.

"According to a recent report" - Whose report? What date? When did you read it? Remember, these essays are based on personal experience and knowledge. Never refer to a report. You could instead use a topic sentence to indicate the information, without a source. The source isn't important but the presentation method signifies a better GRA score. You could go directly to: "the number of teenagers giving up studying or involving in illegal activities has been going up dramatically..." This presentation kicks off a clear topic sentence, without the confusion of your misrepresented opinion at the start. The topic is more important than the word fillers used.

You forgot that the conclusion requires you to present the topic restatement, discussion points, and final opinion. It is never a single sentence because you have to present the reverse paraphrase of the original discussion. That is at least 3 sentences long as well.

Writing Feedback / The line graph illustrates the number of people aged 65 and more - over 100 years period [2]

The summary overview is complete in content. However, the presentation will not help your GRA score as you did not use individual sentences to portray the information within the chart. Remember, the complex sentence has an independent clause and at least one dependent clause. These must present one clear idea to the reader. When you combine information into one long presentation simply using the word "and" to separate your data, that is a run-on sentence. You opt to use at least 2 independent clauses in the same sentence without an appropriate conjunction or a punctuation mark to separate the presentation, you have not created a complex sentence. The summary overview will definitely pull down your GRA score due to the lack of proper simple and complex sentence presentation. However, you did show that you are capable of using other punctuation marks. Although, your use of the parenthesis would have been a stronger GRA score consideration had you used a comma before the word "and" in the presentation. The comma would have added clarity to the listing of countries. Each country is independent of the other so a comma clarifies that separation.

To clarify, an American is a person from America. America is the country where the American comes from. Differentiate between the national identity and the country or origin of a person (America has the highest...) . That is an LR deduction on your part. Misuse of the word or usage of a word in the wrong context.

Additionally, a future prediction needs to use future verb tenses in its presentation since the action is yet to take place (Japan predicts that it will replace...)

There is a grammar rule that goes "A before consonants, an before vowels". Kindly remember that in your presentations (There was an dramatical growth = There was A DRAMATIC growth)

Work on your paragraph presentations. Avoid run-on sentences so that you will meet the minimum 3 sentence requirement for the paragraph. You did well in terms of the word count but your sentence presentation skills are lacking. Your main problems in scoring will be in the LR and GRA sections because of the current errors that your presentation shows.

Writing Feedback / Children watch a lot of TV and play video games - writing task 2(IELTS) [2]

The TA score for this essay will be 1. Your answer was completely unrelated to the task. You did not compare your response in the restatement to the original discussion question, which provided the content for your 2 reasoning paragraphs:

Question: To what extent you agree or disagree?
Response: I am convinced that spending a normal timespan can be proved beneficial for many reasons.
Concluding Response: I strongly believe that under normal circumstances this these kind of activities can have both educational and entertaining purpose.

Did you notice how you did not respond to the actual question being posed in the essay? Exactly. You were supposed to explain why you support only one side of the discussion. Your opinion should have been clear. This was not a C/C essay. The Dis/agree essays are always written as single opinion essays. You clearly did not understand the question so you responded in a manner that was inappropriate in format. Hence, the essay cannot progress with further review, with a TA score of 1, there is no way you will achieve a 5 passing score based on the remaining scoring considerations.

The correct response is related to:

... I strongly support this statement for 2 reasons.

Children cannot differentiate between real life and make believe. They believe television program and video games are reality...

Additionally, children who watch television have short attention spans, which make it difficult for them to focus during formal academic classes. They do not have the ability to concentrate....

These are the reasons why I fully believe that the mental health of children...

The C&C score is based on the way that you use clear explanations in your paragraphs and how you relate one paragraph to the next. They should both support a singular point of view to a strong extent. You cannot have a measured response essay if you do not pick one side to support in the discussion. It is the "pick a side to support" in the essay that becomes the basis of the overall score of your essay. Just one side. Discuss, support, and defend. That is all you have to do.

This essay is scored on your ability to defend your single point of view using valid discussion points. Unless you are asked to discuss both points of view, never use the C/C or A/D discussion format.

Undergraduate / Dreams, plans for the future and reasons for choosing KAIST [3]

You are 50 words over the limit. So you need to refocus the essay by discussing more relevant details. For instance, you story about your dream does not make sense. Your father made a comment to you about technology, you quickly associated with Design. Exactly how did that happen? Where is the middle of the story that explains this development? You can't go from the beginning to the end, without presenting the developmental story in the middle. This should take up at least 150 words in your presentation.

There is no explanation regarding how you pursued your design ambitions as a high school student. That is a 100 word missing element in this response. The prompt clearly asks you to provide information about how you have pursued this ambition to date. That means you have to list any art classes you have taken, design seminars or tutorials you have attended or been certified in, competitions you have joined and possibly won, and any other recognition that you may have received that will prove with seriousness, that you have been building towards a career in design. Without it, your essay response is incomplete, even though you wrote 350 words.

Your interest in Kaist could be better presented by not quoting the college department motto and instead, highlighting your interest in the Industrial Design department through the learning experience it offers. You will need to do some research about this particular part because the hardships you will experience as a student should tie in with your interest in the university. The difficulties could be related to student financial assistance, an academic weakness such as a grade in a class that relates to design that you have to overcome and convince the reviewer that will not hinder your studies as a college student, being a foreign student in a new country (since you do not have much experience interacting with South Koreans), a language hindrance (not being able to speak or write in Hangul), or something of the sort.

You are trying to portray yourself as an overachiever in the essay. That is not what the reviewer wants to read about. Be honest. Respond to each prompt properly. Consider the hardships of being a student in a foreign land, think about how you really developed your dream. Honestly present the methods by which you have pursued industrial design training as a high school student. These need to be properly explained and clearly presented within 300 words.

Writing Feedback / Writing task 2 - IELTS Academic - economic growth as the only way to end hunger and poverty? [3]

The phrase," which this essay will discuss below" is a memorized phrase taught by books and tutors to help you understand the message the last sentence of the prompt restatement should contain. It should not be used regularly as most IELTS student do now. The examiners consider that phrase memorized and you will receive point deductions for it. Since you did a good job of presenting the first 2 sentences based on the topic and reason, you should be able to come up with a better transition sentence than the memorized phrase. Other substitutes for the memorized phrase are:

- My opinion will be stated based on a comparative discussion of both public points of view.
- These two opinions, properly analyzed, will be the basis of my personal opinion.
- I will examine both points of view and decide upon an opinion to support

Or any variation thereof. Just stop using the memorized placement response holder. It will not help your TA score. Good job on using an alternative to hunger, you should have been able to use an alternate for poverty as well. Alternative words to poverty are: destitution, impoverishment, indigence, pauperism, pennilessness, or poorness, to name but a few replacement words for poverty. Try to not use a single word from the original prompt to prove that you have a varied and complex English vocabulary. It will also help you show that you know English word meanings and how to properly use them in sentences. Both of which will help increase your LR and GRA scores.

Your first reasoning paragraph is well developed and explained thoroughly. The second paragraph was on its way to being exactly that. Except, you decided to suddenly discuss water pollution and then offer an example only for air pollution. It would have been a properly developed sentence if you had just omitted the water pollution reference in the explanation.

The error in your personal opinion is, you only presented a comparative discussion of the public points of view but, you did not take a solid or singular stand to support one of the two points of view. You even went so far as to offer a solution the situation, when you were not instructed to offer one in the original presentation. It was just supposed to be a C/C public opinion discussion after which, you were to present an opinion shows you were convinced by one of the public opinions to support. That part of the essay is an error in the format presentation.

This led to the error in your concluding statement. Instead of summarizing the main discussion points and your opinion, you decided to discuss the solution you had instead. So your essay is actually choppy in terms of prompt responsiveness and discussion clarity. I am afraid that the score for this essay will be, based on each scoring section:

TA - 4 because the format became inappropriate when it came to your personal opinion discussion; there was a lack of a clear position when it came to your personal opinion

C&C - 6 as you were able to present clearly connected discussions in the paragraphs but, the cohesion between sentences were either mechanical or faulty as there was a non-connected example in the second reasoning paragraph. It applied to the first reasoning topic and should have been placed there instead.

LR - 6 since you showed an ability to use English words in a natural manner, within the proper context.

GRA - 6 due to some of the errors that exist in your sentence presentations. Don't worry, these errors were not so severe that your message could not be understood. It is adequate for the discussion requirements.

Overall score could be around 4.5 The main problem was in your discussion detour and lack of solid personal point of view based on the discussion instructions in the statement. See, you can score highly in the other sections, but once you do not adhere to the discussion requirements, your score drops considerably.

Writing Feedback / The graph illustrates the fish, lamb, beef and chicken consumptions in an European country [3]

Your summary overview should have provided an identification of the type of graph involved. In this case, the graph used was a line graph representing fluctuating consumption of various food products. There should have also been an identifier of the measurement data from the chart (grams per person per week) to help explain the way the information was collected and how the measurement data was used.

I feel that you did not do a very good job at rephrasing the original information. There are still too many of the original words used in your presentation that could indicate a cut and paste or memorized presentation to the examiner. I would have done it this way instead:

The provided line graph indicated the way that humans ate various meat products between the years of 1979 up to 2004. The consumed meat products were chicken, beef, lamb and fish. Measurement indicators used were based on the grams per week that a person consumed. The obvious trend for the food eaten was...

The overview needs to be highly specific, informative, and clearly presented so that your work will be seen as completely developed and comprehensive for scoring considerations.

Your trending statement is confusing as you have 2 trending statements presented. You have one as the last presentation of your summary overview, then another one for fish at the end of the report. That stand alone sentence should have been integrated into the previous paragraphs as that is not a trend but rather, a measurement report. So integrating it into the last paragraph would have been a better fit for your presentation.

The Task 1 essay is normally just a 3 paragraph presentation. So you do not need to aim for a 4th paragraph reference. The stand alone sentence would have been bad for your GRA score anyway because it showed that you were not able to use all the information to create another 3 sentence paragraph. Each paragraph needs 3-5 sentences so combining related information in one paragraph is acceptable.

Writing Feedback / IELTS- T2: Why do some people continue to commit crimes after they have been punished? [2]

This is a very solid essay that could have been even better if your had done the following:
- Outlined your reasons in the discussion restatement as a response to the direct questions being asked
- Better explained how the prisoners can be fully re-integrated into and accepted by society in general.

The first reasoning paragraph is well developed and explained. This shows a clear understanding of the given discussion. Your examples are well stated as it is obviously based upon publicly known information regarding recidivism. That will definitely help to increase your C&C score.

However, the lack of a clear explanation of your suggestion for the re-integration of the former convicts lacks supporting suggestion. How do you think it should be done? Why would this be effective? Those are the questions that second reasoning paragraph should have better explained.

The conclusion should have been longer. It should have been 5 sentences covering:
- Topic restatement
- Your 2 connected reasons
- Your 2 connected solutions
- A repeated explanation of why the solution will work

You have truly written an acceptable essay here. It shows your potential to reach the passing score, at the very least. The LR section will also score well because you used certain applicable words such as feasible and provide, in a natural flowing way. Word usage tends to better help the score when the word is used in a manner that does not sound forced, out of meaning, or the student obviously trying to impress the reviewer.

Writing Feedback / Psychologists and color schemes [2]

Your summation of the original prompt needs more work. You did not use synonyms for the terms offices and hospitals. You should have used alternative terms such as, for offices: work spaces, work stations, or employment areas. For hospitals: infirmaries, health care spaces, clinics, or health service areas.The reason you have to change the keywords is simple, it will boost your LR score to show the examiner that you know how to use alternative terms for the keyword provided, without changing the meaning of the paragraph/s.

There are 2 direct questions that you failed to respond to in your paraphrasing. The last 2 sentences, making the restatement a 5 sentence paragraph should have provided responses to the following:

- How true this statement? ( based on a personal opinion)
- How far colours influence people's health and capacity for work? ( based upon how color usage affects your own health and work capacity)

Single sentence responses to the questions that will lead the examiner to understand what your 2 reasoning paragraphs discussions will be about will boost your TA score as it shows a properly outline discussion. Failure to respond to the discussion questions will reduce your TA score. You have to show that you understand the discussion instructions, which are based on the provided discussion topics in the original prompt.

Singular - Plural Discrepancy:
There is a number of reasons... - There ARE a number of reasons.
Reason: IS = present tense singular ARE = present tense indicative plural

Good work in using the first person pronoun in this essay. You used it in just the right place, and supported it with a very good reason based on personal experience. TThe discussion instruction requires it via the statement:

...include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
It is the YOUR part that requires the first person pronoun presentation in various discussion points throughout your discussion.

In reference to the hospital colours discussion. You did not completely support your reason when it came to color choices for children. How do the colors satisfy their desire for entertainment? That is under developed discussion point. You could have just developed that topic rather than presenting the 2 other topics that do not have supporting statements to back it up. The more useless and less developed discussion points in that presentation are the reference to the colours used in hospital wards and the need for doctors and nurses to be surrounded by bright colours during breaktime.

The concluding summary is a run - on sentence. You must not use one continuous sentence in this presentation. Use separate sentences to represent the reverse paraphrase composed of:

- Discussion topic
- Truth of the statement
- how colours generally affect people
- Closing sentence

Save for some problem areas in your presentation, it is a good essay for the most part. I am sure that I will be able to see further improvement on your part with your future essays. You show the potential to pass this test with high marks.

NOTE TO OTHER STUDENTS : Keep your opinion to yourself if you oppose my advice. Do not confuse the students here. The students that come here want to learn from an experienced professional. You are just learners yourselves and are incapable of teaching others. If you were capable of writing in proper English, you would not be here asking for my advise. If you have a real world tutor assisting your learning process, you have no place here.