Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 1: WINTER TRAVEL TRENDS IN THE US FROM 1999 TO 2003 [3]

Nguyen, this is an excellent first attempt at writing a Task 1 essay. However, you made a tremendously large mistake in your analytical presentation. While you do have a trending statement presented in the essay, you failed to present the all important summary overview for your essay. That is why your essay is short by 1 paragraph in completing the 4 paragraph requirement for this essay. It is always best to make sure that you review the presentation for any omissions you might have made during the drafting process. If you miss something as important as the summary overview, you will be scored down in terms of task accuracy. A sample summary overview for this essay is as follows:

Two bar graphs have been presented in this essay for comparison purposes. The comparisons cover the winter travel patterns of Americans for the purposes of business and leisure. The information indicates the number of people who take these trips by the millions. A quick review of the information shows the trend that Americans travel more for leisure rather than business during the winter months. This essay will further analyze the immediate information presented while also looking for similar points for presentation in the report.

Make sure to present the outline of your analysis presentation in the summary overview in order to help the reader stay on track while reading your presentation. It helps the reader know what to expect and allows you to write in a more coherent and cohesive manner which increases your overall scoring considerations.

Writing Feedback / From the limestone and clay - process of making cement [3]

Huyen, in order to gain the proper scoring consideration for this process explanation and analysis essay, you need to present 4 paragraphs. That is the requirement for this type of Task 1 writing and that is what the examiner will be looking for. You could have easily done that by dividing the explanation into 3 parts. These parts could have covered:

1. Summary overview with trending statement
2. Explanation regarding how cement production and concrete production use similar materials
3. Cement production process
4. Concrete production process

For accuracy purposes, do not change the information in the illustration. The measurements for concrete production were presented in percentage format, yet in your analysis, you used word fractional measurements. This runs counter to the actual information presented and does not accurately represent the illustration. In order to score better, do not change the presentation from the original. By doing so, you indicate that you not only understood the material, but you also know how to accurately paraphrase the illustration in the presentation.

By presenting the procedure in this manner, you will be able to meet the 4 paragraph requirement and also, better explain the procedure to the reader.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1: Summary on the structure in job market in Great Britain in 1992 [5]

Gordon, you must present only one trending statement in the Task 1 essay. You have 2 trending statements indicated in this analysis. One at the beginning and one at the end. To quote:



Both of these qualify as trending statements. Therefore, you should combine these 2 separate trends into one presentation sentence within the summary overview. Speaking of the summary overview, you did not completely indicate the full information that was presented in the pie charts. You also should not say "above" because the assumption is that the reader will not have a copy of the chart so you need to describe it from scratch. You could have written the summary overview in a more complete manner as follows:

Two pie charts are provided for comparison regarding the employment trends between men and women in Great Britain. The year for comparison provided was 1992. This essay will analyze the information as presented in the charts and include information about comparison points where possible. There overall trend that can be seen within the charts indicates that the females dominated the non manual work while the men dominated the manual side.

By the way, while that particular country is called the UK in general, the chart indicates that the information is from Great Britain. In order to make sure that the information you are presenting is always accurate, you cannot change the references in the chart. If the chart says Great Britain, then you should write Great Britain, regardless of how the whole world recognizes that particular country. This is part of the task accuracy consideration. How well do you present the information from the chart? How accurate is your information? That is why you cannot change the references in the presentation.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing for increasing of elderly in the country [3]

@smally01, while I admire your desire to write so many English words to help increase your LR and GRA score, writing 407 words is unrealistic in a pen and paper exam room setting. Specially when you only have 40 minutes to outline, draft, review, correct, and finalize the content of your paper before submission for scoring. You should not write more than 275-300 words for this essay. Personally, I have always told my students that writing 275 words at the most allows them to have enough time to apply edits and changes to the content at the end of the drafting process. The same should apply to you. Remember the most basic rules for successfully writing a task 2 essay:

1. No more than 3 body paragraphs
2. Do not discuss more than one topic per paragraph
3. Do not write less than 3 but no more than 5 sentences per paragraph.
4. Do not present new ideas for discussion in concluding paragraph. Just summarize the essay and present a closing sentence to end the discussion.

Do not present information in the opening paraphrase that is not included in the original prompt such as


This is not a direct question essay. It is a comparison with personal opinion essay so the actual discussion of facts and reasons should only be done within the 3 body paragraphs. The opening paragraph should be used in the manner it is intended for which is the paraphrasing of the original prompt, without changing nor adding information to the discussion. The same rules apply to the mistake that you made in the concluding paragraph.

Writing Feedback / Nowadays, there are some countries where the number of young adults is larger than elderly people [3]

Lipo, writing 350 words without proof reading and editing the content of your essay before submission tells me that one of two things occurred while you were writing this essay:

1. You did not use a timer and decided to simply keep writing in the hopes that you will create a high scoring discussion essay.
2. You used a timer but ran out of time to proof read, edit, and revise due to the number of words that you wrote.

While I do not care which of the two situations resulted in your writing 350 words, I do care that you showed a carelessness in writing about this topic. The biggest mistake that the test taker can make is to focus solely on writing for the sake of writing. The reviewer doesn't care about the number of English words you know about. He only cares that you can make yourself understood in written English. That is why the minimum word requirement of 250 was created. If you want to show off your vocabulary skills, don't write more than 275 - 300 words so that you will have to perfect the essay through the review process. Use a timer and make sure you complete your draft with at least 10-15 minutes to spare for editing time.

You created good arguments for each discussion point. However, you overthought the reasoning aspect. Stick to one topic per paragraph so that you do not write too many words that cut into your all too important editing time. All of your reasoning paragraphs are sound, but comes across as under discussed because the second reasoning that you present is not fully threshed out for the reader to consider. Just stick to writing no more than 5 sentences based on a single topic. That is the best way to approach the writing of this type of essay.

Now, since you are not being asked for a personal opinion in this essay, you should not make any first person references in the discussion such as "In my opinion". Instead, you should say something like "All things considered" or "weighing the advantages and disadvantages, it appears that..." or something similar. Never make a personal representation unless specifically asked to do so in the essay.

In academic writing the word "Because" is not used to start a sentence as this is a connecting word. It can only be used in the middle of a sentence or after a comma. Do not use that word to start an academic discussion. You can only use "because" in any area within a written presentation if you are writing a casual or informal essay that does not follow strict academic and professional writing rules.

Writing Feedback / GMAT - AWA ESSAYS: Art And Music Therapy [2]

Chang, in the first paragraph, you should completely mention the assumptions being made in the discussion presentation. You accidentally omitted the mention that music therapy is the alternative healing process being suggested in the discussion. By omitting that topic in your discussion paraphrase, the reader will begin to wonder how music therapy fits into the discussion you are presenting. Always be clear aspects the comparative aspects that you wish to include in your discussion in order to strengthen any claims you will be making,

Don't start a new sentence with the word "and". instead, connect that to the previous presentation by using a comma to indicate a different but connected discussion point. You should also be conscious of your discussion presentations. You are presenting an analysis of the given discussion. That means all the information for consideration has been provided to you. Therefore, your presentation becomes unnecessarily complicated when you present questions in the essay. Rather posing a question, present it as a fact that the writer did not consider while writing the article instead.

Aside from a few grammar errors and the observations above, you did a good job of presenting an analytical discussion. Further practice essays written in this manner could ensure that you get more than a passing score in the actual test.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: Prevention is better than treatment? [2]

Hang, your reasons are well developed and presented well in the essay. You have managed to present both supporting arguments and examples that people can easily understand and identify with. It is obvious that you gave much thought and care to the development of this essay. I do hope that you remembered to used a timer set to 40 minutes for the writing of this essay though. What I mean is that you should be able to write a similarly polished essay within the given time frame during the actual test as well. Make sure you always have that timer on when you write these practice tests to better prepare you for exam day.

Being a direct question essay, you were given a chance to actually begin the discussion of this essay in the opening statement. Unfortunately, your chosen format for the presentation of your answer was more for an emotional / measured extent essay rather than the direct question essay. If I had written this opening paraphrase I would have worded it as follows:

There is a discussion as to whether or not governments have the responsibility of providing health assistance that blocks the development of illnesses rather than healing the people who are already sick. I agree with this statement to the extent that the government does have a responsibility to help keep their citizens healthy by making sure they have adequate healthcare to cure them when they are sick. However, a government that has preventive measures when it comes to illnesses is, in my opinion, the better option.

In a direct question essay, you need to be able to showcase your ability to paraphrase the prompt while also offering a clear response to the question that you can further develop in the upcoming 3 body paragraphs. That is what I accomplished in the above example.

Do not use the counting system of presenting your discussions if you will not follow through on it in the succeeding paragraphs. In this essay, you lost cohesiveness in your presentation because you opened the second paragraph with "firstly" then, in the next paragraph you used "on the other hand" instead of the more appropriate "Secondly." That is because you changed the topic of the next discussion to one that does not relate to the first discussion. Hence the improper transitioning of the paragraph. You don't always have to count out of compare your discussion sentences in the first paragraph. It is better to always open with a topic sentence reference for the discussion instead. That way you avoid using word fillers (e.g. firstly, on the other hand) and instead, go direct to the point of the paragraph discussion which will help you create a more coherent discussion.

You have a good concluding summary that was only marred by the lack of comma usage when you presented the series of unrelated considerations. These considerations are unrelated to one another but fall under the same discussion topic so the use of comma's should have been reflected. It should have been structured as :

... disease structure, epidemiological characteristics, the situation of the national budget, AND other resources.

Overall, I believe your essay can garner a score between 5.5 - 6 depending on the other considerations the examiner may have for your essay presentation.

Writing Feedback / Topic: Some people believe that printed books are no longer necessary in this digital era [3]

Phuong, your grammar is correct in most instances and punctuation marks are properly used throughout the essay. There are 2 problems with the essay as you have it presented at the moment:

1. Your opening paraphrase does not include a reference to discussing your personal opinion in the essay as indicated in the original prompt requirements.

2. You do not have a personal opinion indicated in any body of paragraphs.

The missing paragraph in reference to your personal opinion means that this essay will not be able to score higher than a 5 because you referenced answers to 2 of the 3 parts of the task. Owing to some lack of proper development on your paragraph discussions, your remaining scoring considerations will also score low on the consideration scale which means you cannot score higher than a 5 for this task.

In the conclusion, you referenced a personal opinion that indicates; "I strongly support". A personal opinion is never merged in the concluding paragraph as that is meant to only be a summary of the given discussion. The personal opinion is always the 4th paragraph in a comparison essay of this type.

The lack of overall progression and clarity in your discussion comes from your over-discussing the reasons in any given paragraph. Focus on only 1 topic per paragraph, even if that explanation is only 3 sentences long. That is all that is minimally required for your task to get a higher scoring consideration. Adding another topic that is composed of one run on sentence will serve to lower your C&C and GRA scores instead as this affects the consideration for your sentence structure and your grammar presentation.

You did a halfway good job on this essay. Your discussions were clear for the most part but under developed when you presented the second idea. So limiting yourself to one idea per paragraph would be your best bet in increasing your score. Forget about presenting too much information because the score is based on the clarity of information and use of the English language in relation to that rather than the amount of information presented.

Scholarship / NETWORKING AND IT'S SIGNIFICANCE TO MY PROFESSIONAL GOALS [3]

Ihunanya, the networking skills that you display in this essay as of the amateur nature. It is not going to be able to compete with full-time professionals who have an intricate of career related networks that help them to perform their jobs either through influence or referral natures. The Chevening scholarship committee requires their candidates to have a solid permanent work related network that have been used in important instances of task performance.

As a clarification, social media is not considered an official network of work related contacts. It is not a good idea to mention that you got your first job through social media. Such avenues of referrals, due to the informality of the connection and often impersonal contacts do not make a good impression on the committee.

The best part of this essay that could probably be better edited to suit the prompt requirements would be the paragraph about Max International. That is the closest that you can get to a professional network and it shows some of your ability to create a usable network. I just wish that your networks were not all social media based because that does not really imply that you have the personality to create a network and the ability to cultivate the network as a positive influence in your community and your professional life.

You can also use the portion about NAFDAC and how you help others in your community get job placements in youth service areas. That shows a networking skill that connects with your community in a way. Just edit it to lessen the social media reference. You can instead say that your academic contacts referred you to someone from NAFDAC who assisted you in getting a job with them through an agency. Too much social media influence on a professional career is often frown upon because the contacts made through these channels are often unreliable and questionable.

One of the difficulties that I see in this essay is that you don't really show how your network has helped you develop a stronger professional presence. You also do not have a clear network that you can use as a Chevening graduate or a network that can be of use to other Chevening graduates along with current and future scholars. There is no clear plan on your end with regards how you can use your network in the future. You need to make it clear to the reviewer that you have a specific career path that has been carved out of your network relationships. The idea is that you can have an exchange of networks with the other Chevening scholars past and present. At the moment, you do not portray a career path nor a truly effective and shareable network.

Here is what you can do. Review the other Chevening networking essays that are available for free on this forum. Try to write something similar to what they have written. Note how their professional contacts are of the utmost importance in their networking presentation. Then try to frame your own presentation in a similar manner.

By the way, do you have a current career that is office based or entrepreneurship based? Try to indicate how you have used networking in these instances. Being a networking agent for a company is just not the same thing.

Don't mention WhatsApp in this instance. Do not mention that you learned about Chevening through that network because that is irrelevant to the prompt requirements. Basically, you will need to write a totally new essay. You can only use one section of this essay in the new version, provided you can showcase a community connection (either personal or professional) that can show off your professional networking skills.

By the way, your first 3 presentations in this essay apply more to the leadership essay than the networking essay so you should take those sections out because those are irrelevant to the requirements of the essay.

Writing Feedback / Governments spend too much money to protect wildlife, while there are other important problems [3]

It, this essay is so confusing to read, the examiner will not be able to make sense of anything you said. I think the main problem in your writing is that you are using the transliterate method of writing. Transliterating is when you use the closest English equivalent word to represent a word from a different language. The whole essay sounds like you were thinking in Bhasa and then used an English equivalent for the presentation. When you do that, you end up writing an essay that has disconnected words because you only focused your work on the vocabulary aspect, totally disregarding the coherence and sentence structure of your presentation. As such, your essay does very poorly in all aspects of the discussion.

I believe that you are not yet prepared to write any essay task at this point. You need to improve your English comprehension and simple sentence writing skills first. Once you learn to clearly express yourself in written English, without addressing any essay tasks first, then you can try and write simple task 1 essays first. Leave the more complicated task 2 essays for later.

Remember, you have to:
1. Understand English
2. Think in English
3. Write in English

That is the proper order for your learning of the English language before you can actually commit to practicing task 1 or task 2 essays.

Writing Feedback / IELTSS2- FREE INTERNET ACCESS FOR EVERYONE - BOTH VIEW [4]

Khuyen, your essay is not framed in the proper discussion format because you forgot to properly paraphrase the given information. You specifically made a mistake in the discussion instruction presentation. Here is an outline of the error you made:

Instruction: Discuss both views and give your opinion
Response: Both of these views have their own cons and pros.
Additional Error: others have opposite opinions to this - What is the opposite opinion and will it be discussed in the response?

The discussion is not about pros and cons but rather whether or not the government should allow people to access the internet for free. You have a slight misunderstanding of the prompt which led to a small discussion alteration in your presentation. Try to stay on point by always reviewing the original instructions and comparing it to what you have written. If you create a simple outline before you start drafting the essay, you should be able to see whether or not your presentation will be aligned with the prompt expectations.

Writing Feedback / Should environmental problems be solved on a global scale or better to deal with it nationally? [4]

Tien, your opening paraphrase was almost acceptable. You made a mistake in your prompt instruction restatement. You were being asked to deliver your own opinion after comparing the two points of view. You were not being asked to come to a conclusion regarding the given discussion. Aside from that slight misdeclaration, you did a good job on presenting the prompt paraphrase. It is close enough to the original.

The biggest problem of this practice essay though is that you have included actual research in the paragraph presentations as part of your reasoning. Since this pencil or ink based test does not give you access to a computer at the testing center, you should not make it a habit to use researched information in your reasoning. Use your personal opinion or information gained from public knowledge instead.

That is not to say that you made a mistake in reasoning. It just means that your reasoning is good but in the actual setting, you will not have the opportunity to do research in response to a question. So it would be best not to practice taking the test in a manner that you won't be able to accomplish in the testing center.

By the way, your personal opinion should be the 3rd paragraph presentation in a comparison essay. It cannot be part of the concluding statement because the personal opinion needs to be built up in the same manner as the comparison discussions. This is your chance to indicate if you support a particular idea and why. The conclusion should just summarize the discussion and close the essay.

This is a good start but your reasoning and presentation needs some work. You are on the right track though so keep it up. Just note the advice given to you and apply it to future practice essays.

Writing Feedback / The breakdown of the figures of commodities which were transported by various vehicles in the UK [3]

Do, in order to get the highest scoring consideration for your analytical report in a Task 1 essay, you need to present 4 paragraphs composed of 3-5 sentences each. You currently have a second paragraph that fails in the formatting department and becomes very confusing to read because of the compressed information in the given paragraph. In addition to that, you created a secondary trending statement within that paragraph. There can only be one concise trending statement in the essay. It can be a part of any paragraph or a stand alone paragraph. The only limitation is that is has to be one paragraph.

Your summary overview is incomplete and does not offer the appropriate summary information from the graph. It should have been written as:

An analysis of a line graph has been provided for this task. The graph measures the amount of goods transported in the UK covering the years of 1974 up to 2002. The measurements are given in the million tonnes. The transportation methods indicated are road, water, rail, and pipeline. This essay shall analyze the major graph points and compare certain points when required.

Your discussion for the water and rail presentations would have been better presented if you had combined its information presentation into one paragraph because of the intersecting measurement points. Those intersecting points are the "relevant comparisons" that could help to boost your score. While it is important to report on the obvious points, looking for small comparison points that could be overlooked in the first reading help to show that you have a clear analytical method of approaching report writing which can help to increase the TA consideration for your essay.

This is a good effort at Task 1 writing. You have room to improve from hereon. I hope to see your improvements over the time you are participating at this forum.

Writing Feedback / Robots are dangerous invention to the society. [3]

Jea, this is not a direct response essay so the personal opinion should be presented in the body of paragraphs. Not in the prompt restatement. I have often reminded you that unless you are dealing with a direct question essay, all the task 2 essays cannot accommodate a presentation of the opinion in the opening paraphrase. That is because the opening paraphrase is supposed to be used to showcase you ability to restate a given topic for discussion and the instructions for it. So you got the opening paraphrase partially correct. Please try to remember that simple rule about when a direct response is required and when it isn't required. More often than not, it isn't required in the opening paraphrase.

To say "I personally think" is a redundancy. "I" already refers to yourself. "Personally" also means "I". So in this sentence you are saying "I and I think" rather than " I think" which is a direct reference to a personal opinion.

Your concluding paragraph has new information presented in it which altered the concluding summary that should have been presented. It was not necessary to say


That is a new topic for discussion which you did not have the opportunity to build upon and explain. Omitting that would have presented a proper discussion summary and concluding sentence instead. The last 2 sentences could have been separated into 3 sentences and used to present an acceptable summary conclusion.

Writing Feedback / What do you think schools can do to ensure the health, well-being and safety of their students [3]

HI Amadeus. It's nice to have you back here. I enjoy reading your written work. You have the potential to be a smooth English language writer if you continue to progress with your writing skills. You could probably achieve native speaker status if you really work at it. In order to achieve that status though, you need to address certain writing problems that you currently have.

One of these problems would be how you need to learn when to use "is" and when to use "are". It is a matter of knowing that "is" connotes a singular form while "are" indicates plural form. So when you say "Health, well-being, and safety..." the correct numeral connotation to use here is "are" because you are presenting the present indicative plural of a series of connected words.

Now, you are being asked what the secondary schools can do to promote the health, well-being, and safety of the students. This implies that an actual plan needs to come from you as the writer as to how to solve the issue. You can't just keep mentioning the problems and suggesting that the school or school authorities take action without saying what action you suggest that they take. You can do that because the question asks "What do you think..." So a call to action is involved in your response per topic.

Try to avoid redundancies in your presentation. The third paragraph is saying the same thing over and over again. Just indicate the topic sentence once then move on to the justification and suggested solution. 3 sentences should do it but since you have a 500 word maximum, go ahead and explain away. Just avoid constant repetition in the paragraph.

Your statement about the balanced lifestyle is the best written paragraph in this essay. It shows a topic sentence, justifications, and suggested solutions to the problem. Perfect.

Writing Feedback / Better earning opportunities for those who have an university certificate comparing to less educated [2]

Ho, your prompt paraphrase is totally off the mark. You are not responding to the question being asked at the end of the original discussion presentation. Instead, you created your own prompt to respond to, which will result in an extremely low TA score for yourself. Here is where the problem in your opening paraphrase lies:

Question: To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Response: while I argue that the bachelor certification would be more interested in high-level positions, I believe that the worker who did not attend any universities may deserve more income.

You are being asked for a measured agreement or disagreement with the given statement. I cannot figure out why you decided to respond instead that those who did not attend university deserve a higher salary. The correct paraphrase is as follows:

There are people who believe that workers who completed a university degree should receive more impressive wages. Others, think that those who do not have a college degree should be paid more. I partially agree with the given statement.

While your succeeding discussion statements fall into line with the original instructions, The problem, is that your TA score has been compromised due to the wrong paraphrase, response to the task, and summary conclusion. So you have 3 mistakes in this task that will result in a lower overall scoring consideration for your essay. This could lead to a failing score due to the additional problems your writing has in reference to the remaining scoring brackets.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: The Development of Tourism Contributed to English Becoming the Most Prominent Language [3]

Dimas, I know what it is that you are trying to say in this essay. Unfortunately, you did not do a very good job of developing your English sentences for the presentation. There are some sentences which left me confused and stressed as I had to repeatedly read the passage in order to guess what you are trying to say. This is particularly evident in the following quote:


- I think what you were trying to say was "world" instead of "word" and you failed to use the connecting phrase "is the" when you referred to the mother tongue. The correct presentation for that is "English is the mother tongue..."

Then, in the third paragraph, you make reference to the translator job but you do not fully explain that it is only the translator job that you are referring to when you discuss unemployment. There is also no proper reference as to why the use of the English language will result in a crime rate increase.

Do not try to over-discuss the issue. Use only one topic per paragraph so you can focus on the clarity of your explanation. The reviewer doesn't need to read plenty of reasons. He only needs to know that you can use one reason and explain it well enough for a native English speaker to understand.

You have the potential to do well in this test. You just need to focus more on the quality of your presentation rather than the number of information you are presenting as content.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task2 : share as much information as possible [2]

Lipo, your opening paraphrase is inaccurate because it does not use the proper synonyms to represent the original discussion. In fact, you present totally different reasons than the original prompt which could lead to a TA score that reflects your misunderstanding of the original prompt. The proper paraphrase is as follows:

There is a discussion as to whether it is good or not to openly share information coming from the fields of science, commerce, and education. Those who believe that these information should not be open to public access say that these are far too valuable and critical to be shared with others. In this essay I will offer a public discussion of both points of view prior to my opinion about the topic.

Now, you presented both points of view in the first two paragraphs but you did not make it clear that you are discussing public information in that instance. This made it appear that you are already discussing a personal point of view in the paragraph. Use ownership words such as "The first public opinion" or "Those who believe that,,," in order to show that you are discussing the first or second point of view and not your personal opinion.

In the third paragraph, own the paragraph from the start by saying "In my opinion" or "I support the idea that... because..." This makes it extremely clear that you are presenting a personal opinion in the paragraph.

The summary conclusion should be just that. A summary of the previously discussed information. It should not continue the discussion with new information otherwise you are not concluding the essay. You instead have an open ended essay which does not follow the proper format for a Task 2 essay.

By the way, for C&C and GRA considerations, don't present more than 1 topic per paragraph so that you can clearly discuss the given topic for that paragraph. Since you have a tendency to count your discussion reasons, you should do it in this format instead:

First of all,...

Secondly...

Personally...

In this type of essay you should use only 3 paragraphs with one topic each so you could use the following format:

Those who wish to share information....

While those who would rather be secretive...

What I can say is this...

Remember that you are also being scored on presentation. The shorter but clearer your explanations, the better for your overall score.

Writing Feedback / IELTS2 : a number of individuals want to have children later in their life - Reasons and Effects [3]

Son, this is a direct response essay. As such, your reasons or discussion outline should be presented at the end of the paragraph paraphrase as the thesis statement / discussion points. This allows the reader to understand what the flow of discussion will be and what topics for discussion will be presented. Unfortunately, your sentences and paragraphs are so badly developed that the reader is unable to immediately understand what you are trying to say.

For instance, your opening paragraph is highly confusing:


- The thing is that the discussion is about people are deciding to have children later in life. This particular presentation has conflicting statements. There is no reference to people wanting to have children when they are younger. The reference is when they are older in life. You cannot use the phrase "decide to give birth to children when they are young, until they get older." The proper presentation should indicate only " when they get older".

Your full discussion is, like I said, confusing and irrelevant to the discussion. When the TA considerations are considered, the essay will not get a score higher than a 4. Add to that the also low scores for C&C, LR, and GRA, and you will have a non-passing score for this essay presentation. Before you can write a good essay in English, you first have to understand what the topic is about and how you are being asked to discuss it. At this point, it is clear that you cannot do either.

Here is a suggestion, for your next practice test, don't write an essay in response to it immediately. Read the samples from other students first. Learn about how they wrote it, what mistakes they made and how to avoid it. Then go and read your prompt again and approach the writing from the point of view of someone who is clear about what he has to write about. That is how you can best learn how to improve your Task 2 writing skills.

Writing Feedback / The media should limit the number of terrible news since it have a large effect on human's lives [3]

Phhuong, you are too focused on showing off your English vocabulary, without considering whether or not it makes sense to use it in sentences. Your second paragraph in particular makes no sense at all. All I could read were a series of non connected English words which, individually, make sense, but altogether just create confusion and stress for the reader. This is definitely not a good observation because this will result in a failing LR and GRA score for you. Added to the rest of the grammar problems of the essay and you will not get a passing score using this essay presentation.

You are also either not familiar with some English words or you were careless and did not bother to edit the paper prior to submitting. There is no such word in the English language as "broaf". Considering the improper paraphrase and the mistake in your question response and you can understand why the essay does not stand a chance at this point.

Since this is your first post at this forum, I will not score this essay. I want you to write another essay. This time be more focused, don't try to show off your non-existent English vocabulary of advanced words. Keep your sentences simple. Be clear with what you want to say. I will review that essay and hopefully, we will be able to find a writing improvement starting point with that. As of now, this is a very bad essay that will not pass in an actual test setting.

Writing Feedback / The pie charts below describes how six regions in the world utilized water with unalike purpose [3]

Hoang, your essay needs to cover the required 4 paragraph format of the Task 1 presentation. You should not have bunched up all of the information in your second paragraph. You could have very easily split up the presentation into 2 more paragraphs of 3 sentences each by offering up comparison points based on Industrial, agricultural, and domestic use. You need to split up those sections into paragraph comparison presentations because the pie chart was split up that way. For clarity purposes, no, for scoring purposes (C&C and GRA considerations) you need to make sure that you present the information in a clear manner that will not confuse the reader. The way you have it right now makes it difficult to follow the discussion you are presenting.

Your summary overview is incomplete as it does not present the required information of:

1. measurement type
2. countries being compared
3.measurements being made

Presenting the above information in the summary would have helped your trending statement become clearer to the reader and also, offer a better outline for your upcoming discussion.

Writing Feedback / Much stricter punishments on traffic driving offenses to decrease the road accidents [3]

@khoipham305 I have a feeling that you are writing this essay as part of a Task 2 response because you indicate an opinion in your discussion. However, without the full prompt statement, I cannot be sure about how to guide you in the proper writing of this text. What I can tell you is this though, without a full 250 word essay (you wrote only 193 words) you will not get full scoring considerations for the score brackets. You cannot pass the test if you write less than the required amount of words.

Now, if this is for a Task 2 test then this essay has already failed based on the previous reasons mentioned. You need to learn how to properly format the essay into a 4-5 paragraph presentation of 3-5 sentences each. Follow these guidelines in writing the Task 2 essay first then we can more appropriately deal with the mistakes you made, grammar, punctuation, and other considerations included. Right now, you need to get the basics done right first.

Writing Feedback / Writing task 1: Bird migration observed in Woodchuck Country [5]

Nice move placing your trending statement at the end of the essay. In this instance, it works as a sort of conclusion to your analysis of the chart. That is definitely something that the examiner will consider when scoring your essay. Since the trending statement can be placed anywhere in the presentation, your approach will be seen as fresh and unique since most students tend to place the trending statement as a part of the summary overview.

Your summary overview needs to indicate a complete listing of the migratory birds being presented in the chart as part of the summary overview. You should also include a restatement of the discussion instructions as part of the summary so that the outline of the analysis presentation will be clear to the reader.

There are some points where your sentences are not clear to the reader and it has to be read several times in order to give the reader time to fill in the sentence structure blanks. Some sample sentences that have this problem are:


- CONSISTING of Cardinals...


- OTHER types of...


You may want to remember that nouns are normally capitalized because these indicate the proper names of persons, places, and things. Bird names fall under the noun category so the species names need to be capitalized throughout the essay.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2: Future plans to design prisons for learning and working [2]

Tran, you did not understand what the discussion method for this topic is. Your response to the original question is inappropriate and caused you to discuss the topic from a different angle than originally intended. Look at the outline below in order to understand how you made your mistake:

Question: To what extent do you agree or disagree with these views??

Response: While this might be true to some extent , I firmly believe that this approach can bring some benefits.

The discussion instruction is asking you to take a measured approach to the discussion once you have chosen a side to defend. So either you agree or disagree and then place a measurement of support behind your opinion choice. For example, I would have said that :

I totally disagree with the concept of turning prisons into vacation places for criminals for several reasons.

Then, using the pre-stated reasons in the original discussion, I would have written a 3 body paragraph in support of my stance.

You turned this single opinion essay into a comparative discussion because you were not clear on how to approach the discussion. Familiarize yourself, using samples from this forum, with the various methods of approaching the extent essay discussions. That should help you develop a more proper approach to your own writing when you come across another extent essay discussion.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2 - People in the community can buy cheaper products nowadays [2]

TA - 6

Vu, you have a slight prompt deviation in your opening paraphrase. The prompt paraphrase should not contain any information that is not present in the original discussion. That is because when you add information, the tendency will be to change the slant of the discussion and no longer follow the given prompt instructions for the discussion. However, your thesis statement still aligns itself with the required discussion response so that is one of the good things that you did for this section of writing. Your prompt deviation was: "thanks to the industrialization..." You could have used that as the topic sentence for your second paragraph instead.

C&C - 5

While your discussions are related to the topic. There are certain instances where you do not fully develop the paragraph in terms of discussion because you are offering too much information in one presentation. Try to stick to the tried and tested formula of 1 topic per paragraph. The problems with your C&C can be seen in the way that, in the second paragraph,. you first discuss how the profits of the manufacturer influence the quality of the product. You should not have involved a specific reference to cancer in this instance because only a general reference to health concerns should be referenced. Or, if you wanted to remain on point, you could have said that cheap products result from cheap materials that result in low quality an unreliable products. The presentation of mass production and waste disposal should have not been introduced because you did not properly explain the reasons to support it. When you present only talking points without proper supporting sentences, you end up with under-developed and little relevant discussion paragraphs.

LR - 5

Try to familiarize yourself with the English language. Use a synonym reference guide in order to avoid using redundant / same meaning words such as "expenditure people spend". The more proper term is " As a result, the more people spend..."

GRA - 6

Though you tend to use overly long sentences and your sentence structure is not always properly complex or simple, the reader can easily understand what you are trying to say. So I would like you to practice writing using full stops instead of commas. You do not need to present long sentences. You need to present proper sentences. That means, you must avoid putting together various ideas in one sentence. That helps you to avoid confusing your reader and lowering your GRA score. There is a minimum of 3 sentences and maximum of 5 sentences to be presented per paragraph. Don't try to get around it by using commas to speak your mind, even when the topics no longer relate. As long as you write 250 words, your essay will be considered for the highest possible score based on your writing skills.

Writing Feedback / Children should only start formal education after being graduated from an informal school [2]

Juliano, the essay prompt uses the word "either" in the question response instruction. Therefore, you cannot discuss both points of view in the essay. The term either is used to indicate alternative responses. That means you can only use one of the two. It's either you agree that children should begin formal education at the age of 4 or, you agree that they should start schooling at the age of 7 or 8. You can't sit on the fence and say you see the benefits of both or that you disagree with early format education because the keyword in the instruction you were given is "agree". Therefore, you cannot "disagree" as that is not provided as an option.

This is a variation of the "extent" essay and as such, requires you to support only one given opinion with regards to which age to start school. Defend it with applicable reasons. Do not discuss the other option because this is not a comparison essay.

Based on the way that you created your own prompt to respond to, you would fail in the TA section and receive a score of 1 due to an unrelated response. A prompt deviation is always the worst kind of mistake that a student can make because this means you totally misunderstood the question. This proves that you are not capable of understanding an English discussion and also, are unable to follow English based instructions. Once you fail the TA section, it stands to reason that you will not be scored highly for the rest of the criteria and as such, could end up getting a score that is nowhere near a passing score. Your tendency will be to fail the test at this point.

More important than understanding what the discussion topic is, you are also scored on your ability to understand the given discussion instruction. You need to depict your English comprehension abilities in a positive manner. Fail to do that and you will risk failing the whole test.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2 - Is traditional skills and ways of life worthy to be kept alive? [3]

Wei-Yuan, the first problem with your essay is the biggest problem that it has. The fact is, you did not discuss the essay in the manner indicated by the prompt. This is an extent or emotional essay that requires a degree of measurement in the response thesis statement. That is the sentence located at the end of the paraphrase in the first paragraph. The problem lies in this confusion:

Discussion Question: To what extent do you agree pr disagree with this opinion?
Your Response: For my own perspective, it is true that we need to spare great efforts to preserve them, however, we gain enormous benefits from them.

The question asks you to agree or disagree with the given statement. Nowhere in the presentation does it ask you to explain what benefits are gained from the preservation of the traditional ways. This creates a prompt deviation on your part that will fetch an automatic TA score of 1. The reason? Your answer does not respond to the task. The correct approach to an extent essay response uses any of the following (or similar) terms: partially, totally, wholeheartedly, completely, half, and other similar terms with the term agree or disagree immediately following it.

Now, since you did not appropriately respond to the given instructions, it will be extremely difficult for you to be scored accurately in terms of the relevance of your discussion to the prompt because, there simply isn't any connection between the prompt you were provided and the discussion that you presented. In order for you to receive an appropriate score for the rest of the criteria, you first have to properly respond to the task you are provided with. The only way you can do that, is if you can prove that you understand the English discussion that you were given using an appropriate prompt paraphrase and a correct response to the discussion question. For example:

As technological advancements begin to overwhelm society, the old ways of life and conventional proficiencies start to lose its relevance. That is why some people believe that there is no reason to continue to promote these aspects of the traditional way of life. I partially agree with this opinion.

There are some reasons that make it beneficial to use the new way of life...

However, there are some benefits to be gained by continuing to promote the use of conventional systems such as ...

In the end...

Had you presented this discussion in a similar manner to the one above, you would have gotten a more appropriate and perhaps passing score for the essay presentation. You must increase your English comprehension skills before you take the test.

Writing Feedback / Ielts Writing Task 1: Internet users as percentage of population 1999 - 2009 [3]

My, good work on the essay. You have covered all of the obvious and important points. Your essay is clear and easy to understand. You have a simple analysis of the chart as presented to you for reporting. These are the positive aspects of your report. Now for the points for improvement and notes for correction.

First up, the opening summary. You indicated the type of illustration you were provided with and the fact that there are 3 countries presented for comparison. As part of the required data, you must also indicate the names of the countries as these are all part of the summarized information. In this instance, it was more important to mention the countries in the summary overview rather than in the trending statement. While the mention of the citizens of these countries helped your trending presentation, you should have first indicated the countries in the overview in order to give the reader an introduction to the upcoming discussion in a more appropriate manner. You should have transitioned into your trending statement that stated the citizenships of each country separately from the countries indicated in the graph since the citizenships were not really directly referred to. Instead, it was the country that was mentioned for each one.

Next up, you overlooked certain comparison points in the essay. For example, overlapped in terms of growth in 2002 at approximately 25% growth (not an actual reference, just a sample statement). And in 2006, Canada and the USA touched on almost the same growth rate as well as the graph indicates touching lines, meaning the growth rate for these two countries were at par or similar to one another.

Small but detailed comparison points can help you increase your TA score and offer you a better C&C, and GRA score as well. Coming in with a word count of 170 means that you will allow yourself some time to actually revise and edit the content of your essay. Try to stay within that word count range for your succeeding tests. Remember, writing a long essay will not get you a good score but writing a moderate length essay that offers valuable information will help you increase your overall score. It's not about the word count but rather the quality of the work submitted that will help you pass the test.

Scholarship / Motivation letter for Master degree in University of Potsdam with PPGG DAAD Scholarship [2]

Juli, your essay has too much word filler in it that prevents the reviewer from getting to read the important data that is required. When writing a motivation letter with such specific prompt requirements, the reviewer will not take the time to read through all of the non-related information before deciding whether or not to consider your application. The job of this essay is to provide directly related information for his consideration. That is why you should not use this essay in its current format. Instead, you should edit it to reflect only the necessary responses. You can use paragraphs 1,2, and 4. These directly respond to prompts 1,2, and 3.

I suggest developing a more focused response to the challenges in the public sector in your home country. That is prompt #3. You offered only a general discussion of the problems but no real idea as to how completing this course will help you solve it. Consider focusing on the biggest problem as you perceive it to be and then explain how you plan to resolve the issue based upon the knowledge you will have gained at that point. It is not "I hope" but instead "I will" in terms of problem resolution.

Writing Feedback / An attempt on IELTS writing for differences on politeness between generations [5]

@smally01 Due to your inability to meet the minimum word requirement of 250 words for this direct question essay (you only wrote 244 words) there will be a deduction of points based upon the number of words required to meet the 250 minimum mark. Your sentences are all overly long (run-on) sentences which need to be separated not by commas but by periods as you have a tendency to string together various thoughts in one paragraph. Writing 3 sentences as a minimum allows you to better develop your explanation. Writing 5 sentences, as the maximum requirement per paragraph not only helps you achieve the minimum word count, but also offers you an opportunity to increase your C&C and GRA scores. Based on the way that this essay was written though, I do not believe that it can score higher than a 4 - 4.5 for several reasons:

1. Your response to the question is not fully developed;
2. Your ideas are not well supported in the essay due to the lack of explanation development;
3. You have not attempted to present a progressive discussion because you are focusing only on the students of Hong Kong rather than delivering a generalized discussion. While discussing the children in Hong Kong is acceptable, you do not really connect your discussions with transition sentences to indicate a cohesive discussion / explanation as to why the situation occurs in Hong Kong families and society. The use of transition sentences will help you to connect the discussions in a smoother manner. Transition sentences help to create a more coherent discussion presentation of related topics and ideas.

4. Your sentence development is limited to simple sentences even though there is evidence that you tried to create complex sentences. You need to work on developing your discussions and reasoning in this instance so that the paragraphs make more sense to the reader.

The reason your score is very low is related to how you have limited your paragraph discussions. You need to expand the explanations and offer solid examples to support your claims. Also, this is a direct question essay so your response should be clearly indicated somewhere in the opening paraphrase. The usual spot for that presentation are the last 2 sentences or last sentence of the opening paraphrase presentation. In this instance, your direct response should have indicated a cause and a possible solution for expanded discussion in the body of paragraphs.

Writing Feedback / Gender equality has become such a hot topic, seen in almost all aspects of life, including education [3]

Tran, your essay is not properly responding to the prompt question. The question posed before you is this: Do you disagree or agree?. It is a simple question that tells you choose between one of two responses. Somehow, you did not understand that instruction which is why your response was out of context. You responded: I do not think it is carefully contemplated. The correct thesis sentence answer was a simple, "I do not agree with the statement." You overcomplicated your response and in the process, changed the discussion parameters of the topic. You created a different prompt topic to respond to, which makes you fail the first part of the scoring considerations.

There was no need to include the LGBT paragraph in this statement. The focus of the discussion was only 2 genders. Regardless of your stance on the gender issues, you should not have further changed the prompt discussion by inserting the gender argument into it. You also should not use special characters such as ellipses (...) in an academic discussion. Furthermore, ellipses cannot be used after a comma. The ellipses indicate a somewhat ended but continuing discussion of a given statement. A comma indicates a continuation of the discussion in with a changing topic or additional ideas.

Your essay has an open ending. This indicates that you continued to present new ideas and discussions within the 5 paragraph format which will lower your TA score because you failed to properly summarize the reasons. paraphrase the discussion again, and present your closing statement in order to end the discussion.

Scholarship / I am suitably qualified to apply this scholarship. Self introduction for a scholarship [3]

Ninda, this is an insufficient response to the essay because you only focused your response on the second part of the prompt instructions. You are missing too much information regarding your personal background as required. It would be best for you to write a response to the first half of the essay and then merge that part with the existing second part. Once merged, you will be able to edit and revise your content in order to make the essay more flawless and integrated when the overall response is considered. Right now, you cannot use this essay due to the missing elements. The essay feels half done and also delivers only half the required information and not in a comprehensive manner. I strongly urge you to write a new, more comprehensive and concise essay that you can then edit for content.

For the second half, try to make your description of your work at SMANCIS clearer and stop repeating information. You information is all over the place and does not have a chronological presentation involved. It is difficult to follow and basically, makes the essay extremely confusing to read.

Scholarship / How do you see yourself as providing leadership in water management? My skills and experience [2]

Omar, the question is "how do you see yourself in a position of leadership in the future?" Therefore, there is no sense in mentioning your past accomplishments. The essay is asking you discuss your ideas regarding the improvement of water management in the future which may have a basis in your past experience and accomplishments. The idea behind the question is to allow the reviewer to get a glimpse into your mindset as a future water engineering professional. What projects do you hope to work on in the future and why? How does it relate to cleaner water or more environmentally friendly wastewater disposal systems?

While your story of your past accomplishment is notable and your awards bring to light your expertise in the field. I believe that you need to integrate these information into your future vision of your profession. How do you see yourself accomplishing certain projects in this field that will help to create breakthrough services in the area? Try to think about the future in relation to your past and then revise the content of the essay.

Writing Feedback / Should school leavers take a year off before going to university? [4]

Vi, your discussion is only partially correct. Only your third paragraph responds to the prompt in a correct manner. Your prompt paraphrase also confused the discussion because you used the terms drawbacks and long term benefits, both of which forced a prompt deviation on your part. It is important that you use appropriate synonym words that can help you stay on track with the discussion. The correct terms to use, for reference , would have been adverse for disadvantages and favorable for advantages.

Due to the prompt deviation on your part, the essay can only be given a score for the sections that meet the prompt requirements. Since the essay will then fall under the minimum word requirement, you can't expect to get a passing score for this essay based on the remaining criteria.

Writing Feedback / There is one activity that teenagers recently prefer, and it is purchasing goods [2]

Dimas, this essay shows that you have a problem when it comes to properly developing the sentence structure, punctuation, and English vocabulary when composing sentences and/or paragraphs. Your grammatical errors are such that the essay becomes so difficult to read that the reader finds himself unable to truly understand what it is you are trying to say within each sentence, more so with each paragraph. You need to practice developing English sentences in a simple form before you continue with your practice tests. This essay in particular is quite difficult to comprehend because of your lack of control over sentence development.

You also make reference in the essay to some sort of survey and research information which is not properly cited. Therefore, this cannot be considered an accurate piece of information. The Task 2 test requires you to use only popular knowledge and personal experience or information when discussing the topics. That is because you cannot waste time doing research for a given topic, nor will you have time to look for a computer to do research on. This is a pencil based test. Remember that.You definitely will not have access to any research materials at the testing center so don't refer to research in your succeeding practice essays.

Research Papers / Bipolar disorder assistance. Research Paper for Rio Salado ENG102 [2]

Thomas, excellent presentation. I was enlightened and truly informed about how bipolar men should take responsibility not only for themselves, but also for the future generations that they may produce that could exacerbate the bipolar problem in society. I have a problem with certain aspects of the report that use first person references though. The names on the paper indicate a two person research paper. So when the essay suddenly refers to the "I" section, as a reader, I had a tendency to get lost and wonder what the role of the other person was in the research and how it applied to her.

In a research intensive paper, it is always best to remain in neutral territory by not taking a first person point of view in the presentation. That way the paper can remain unbias and offer the reader a far more convincing persuasive discussion of the issue. Please reconsider the reference point for the anecdote in this instance. Had the paper been a solo research paper, I would not have had a problem with your referencing your personal experience. Since this is a two person research task though, I believe it would be better to use a disinterested party as the reference point for the anecdote instead. Of course, that is just my opinion so you don't have to change it if you feel that you have reasons why you want to keep it in the current form.

I also read several references to data in this research paper that was not properly cited in-text even though you have a complete bibliography listing. Make sure to do that before you submit your research paper in order to avoid any plagiarism issues when the professor double checks the integrity of your research.

Writing Feedback / The main role of museums - they should be enjoyable places to entertain people? [2]

Minh, the essay that you wrote does not completely cover the task requirements. The prompt instructions clearly request you to provide a discussion of both points of view as well as a personal opinion at the end. What you wrote covers only one point of view and then a personal opinion. This indicates a lack of discussion accuracy on your part which means you failed to accurately meet the task requirements. If you review your thesis sentence at the end of the paraphrase, you indicated a 2 point of view and a personal opinion discussion. That is what you were expected to present but failed to do so.

Your concluding statement is too short to be considered a full summary of the previous discussion. It should contain a reverse of the prompt paraphrase in the presentation. So it should indicate:

1. A repeat of the prompt paraphrase
2. A summary of the discussion points
3. Repeat of the personal opinion
4. Closing sentence

This essay is not very well presented nor developed. Based on the criteria for scoring, this may only score anywhere between a 4-5 in an actual test. You have time and room for improvement. Don't be disheartened. Read the sample here and continue to practice. I'll help you improve your writing style and guide you towards increasing your score over the series of practice essays that you will be writing.

Writing Feedback / The business and cultural contact grows more and more widely between countries; pros and cons [3]

Van, since this is your first Task 2 essay, I will not be scoring you this time around. Your work needs to show improvement over your next few essays in order for me to begin to gauge whether or not it is time to start scoring your work. For now, I will point out your mistakes and offer you suggestions as to how you can improve your writing skills.

The first problem this this essay is that you are using too many long sentences. You need to cut these down to shorter but complex sentences in order to improve your GRA score. Writing shorter sentences will also help you create more understandable paragraphs since you are advised to write about only one topic per paragraph within 3-5 sentences. This is the advised length for most of the essay because you are expected to write a mix or short and medium length sentences instead of sentences separated by commas when presenting ideas. Using commas that separate various ideas makes it difficult for the reader to remember what you wrote or creates confusing paragraphs that the reader may not be able to fully understand during the first read through.

Do not offer questions within the essay. You are risking creating a prompt deviation in that instance. You must only offer responses that answer the prompt or cultivate your response throughout the body of paragraphs. You should also never start a sentence with the word "but" because that is a connecting word and as such, cannot be used at the start of a sentence, where no idea or sentence exists to connect to the next sentence.

Your personal point of view should not be extremely short as it needs to be developed into a proper paragraph also. In addition to that, never make the mistake of using the concluding paragraph to state your personal opinion because you end up presenting an open ended rather than concluded essay. An open ended essay is an essay that presents a personal opinion in the final paragraph. That does not close the essay discussion because new information was provided. A concluding summary is similar to the prompt paraphrase in the sense that it refers to the restated prompt topic, reasonings presented, and a repeat of your opinion as the closing sentence.

In a 2 point of view and personal opinion discussion, the proper format is as follows:

Par. 1 - prompt paraphrase
Par. 2 - First point of view
Par. 3 - Second point of view
Par. 4 - Personal opinion
Par. 5 - Concluding summary

If you wish to learn more about the proper formatting and response presentation for various essay questions under the Task 2 essay test, you may review the other practice tests here. Note their mistakes and the advice given so that you can apply the correction to your upcoming practice tests.

Writing Feedback / 'We get educated only in school.' What are your views? [5]

Hey Amadeus, you are one of the lucky few to have gotten a go signal from the admin of this forum for me to come back and give you some additional advice. It's a one time deal so let me get to it now.

Your discussion is sound and shows that you applied a lot of thought to your discussion development process. In fact, the problem with your essay is not the presentation but the grammar used in some instances. In one part, you had a conflicting statement in your single sentence presentation:


- You cannot say that a place has many, yet few places. It is either the place has many places or few places, it can never be both.

You also have a problem discerning when to use "this" and "these". "This" is used to connote a specific person or thing close at hand or being indicated or experienced. While "these" indicates a plural form of "this". Since both "this" and "these" are determiners or pronouns, it will be best for you to get more exercises in this area of English sentence development so you will learn when to use which form of the word.

Save for these problems, your essay is strong and informative. You did well in the exercise as far as I can tell.

Writing Feedback / Should adolescents be obligated to use their spare time for helping their residences without wages? [2]

Thanh, I cannot say that your essay is clearly understandable nor is it cohesive or coherent in presentation. That is because you are often referring to synonym words in a manner that tells me you were unsure about which term to actually use and, you tried to use advanced English words without really knowing how to properly construct a sentence to use the words in. You are also repetitive in content in some paragraphs. These are the major problems with your essay that would most likely result in a failing score in the end.

Redundancy Example:


- Your clearly state the topic sentence twice in this paragraph. You could have simply said "This is not an effective method..." without using a comparison point since this is not a comparison discussion but rather a single opinion essay.

GRA Weakness Sample:


- ruined = a state of decay, collapse, or disintegration.
- detrimental = tending to cause harm.
- The words you used in a single sentence have 2 different meanings. They do not connect and make the sentence difficult to understand. Pick one or the other. Better yet, use only one term in the sentence, never both.


- Punctuation errors and grammar use problems. Use a period and then start with "These" instead, connoting a new sentence and statement.