Writing Feedback / Circus Entertainment - IELTS writing task 2 correction [3]

Nguyen, please remember that the keyword in the essay is "Circus" meaning only one, singular form. Circuses is the plural form. The plural form is not required in this instance because you are being asked to speak of only one circus reference in the essay. The comparison discussion you should have done in this essay to prove your point should have been based on the "electronics" argument of the original prompt. Anybody can see a circus or the circus acts online through YouTube. This makes your discussion regarding ticket prices and the ability to see peculiar acts incorrect. It would be cheaper to see a circus act on YT rather than spending to go to the circus to see the acts. Your discussion needs to have focused on the reasons why people would opt to go to the circus, as a form of entertainment, when they can get the same type of entertainment, with no extra charges, via YouTube. .While your discussion is acceptable to a certain degree, the grammar mistakes in relation to the C&C and GRA sections make the essay a bit difficult to read at times. That difficulty will result in a reduced score in the aforementioned scoring sections. Please improve your English vocabulary and sentence presentation skills in order to pull up your scores in those scoring sections.

Writing Feedback / Government should invest more money in science education rather than other subjects [2]

Hoa, you opening paraphrase is not an accurate restatement of the original prompt. Your discussion instruction line is also inaccurate as you are being asked for an opinion regarding agreement or disagreement with the statement. You responded with a discussion regarding which should be given the most responsibility instead. An inaccurate prompt restatement that gets a less than passing score will ensure that the rest of your essay gets low scores as well due to your discussing a different topic from the one stated for discussion. Aside from that, you discussed 2 points of view in this essay when the required point of view discussion is clearly indicated as needing to come from only one point of view. This is not a comparison point of view discussion. It is a singular point of view essay. These problems with your prompt deviation are what will cause this essay to get a less than stellar score had this been an actual test.

Essays / To what extent is sexual harassment a problem in the UK? [3]

Lenny, this essay being of an "extent" kind, you need to formalize your prompt first. What question do you believe you will be responding to using the "extent" statement? Your current prompt proposal does not allow for an "extent" discussion. Only a point of view based upon information research paper. You need to develop a more "extent" responsive prompt in order to properly discuss 3 non-overlapping reasons. I recommend that you do a Google search for specific keywords that include "extent" in it so that you can gain an insight into the existing information that can help you develop your "extent" discussion and your 3 unique reasons for the discussion. Right now, your chosen prompt isn't that effective as the scope is too broad and needs to be narrowed down to a specific, focused discussion of the "extent" kind.

Scholarship / Expected skills and knowledge from proposed study (New Zealand Study) [2]

desmarnov , do not lump your skills and knowledge development for the two universities in one presentation. Since there are different course curriculums for the two course offerings, your expectations for the two masters courses cannot be the same. You need to make sure that you present specific information that applies directly to each course you have chosen to present. That way, you prove to the reviewer that you have spent a considerable amount of time studying the course offerings of both universities in relation to the problem points that you wish to address in your workplace. The last line of your essay feels incomplete. There needs to be more of a discussion development as to the relevance of the list of commodities in New Zealand in relation to your line of study. You can't just throw that in there without a solid explanation backing it up. Needless to say, the essay requires a full revision in order to properly strengthen and create a more informed presentation to the reviewer. That would be the best way to strengthen your chances of being accepted into the program.

Scholarship / One theory that interests me is the theory of parallel universes. Questbridge Concept/Theory Essay [2]

Michelle, while the parallel universe theory is interesting to read about, you did not go beyond the "interest" part of the discussion. You neglected to represent the "further exploration" part of the discussion. Now, since the multiverse theory is real, I strongly urge you to go beyond the television explanation and instead, base the essay on the more appropriate scientific discussion of the topic. Remember, television is not real, even though the theory that is used in the program is. You need a more scientific pursuit of the topic instead of the television representation. That way, you gain a more applicable explanation for the reasons why you would wish to further study and pursue this theory. Do you plan to prove this theory? How might you plan on doing that? That is the missing element in your essay that you need to strongly represent in the discussion.

Writing Feedback / China-Russia Market research [3]

Yoki, I am not exactly sure about what it is that you want me to review here. If it is all about your grammar, then yes, it needs to be proof read and revised for proper presentation. However, I do not feel like this is a completed research paper at the moment so I would advise you to hold off on the editing until you finish writing the research draft. The discussion outline seems sound. However, I am not sure about what the point of the research is so I cannot accurately say that the outline was done well. There is a lack of references for your data, which could affect the validity of the information you are presenting. Since you only presented bullet points for the discussion, there is no information development included so it gets confusing to read at times. I do not know what the point is for the information so I can't really say that you have done a very good job so far. Maybe you can tell me what it is that you want to have reviewed and what the prompt for your research is so that I can try to come back and give you more appropriate advice?

Writing Feedback / Telling the truth is the first thing I would like develop in a good relationship [3]

Jessica, is this a direct response question for the IELTS test? If it is, then you need to make sure that you begin your line of reasoning within the last few sentences of the opening paragraph. You also need to make sure that you fully explain what the original prompt for the discussion is and how you are expected to discuss it.

I would not use vague references to love and the workplace for this essay. Those two are too theoretical in nature when you consider that the discussion would like to hear about relatable examples from you. Since love and the workplace discussions vary per person and experience, that is not really going to help with your discussion. When examples are called for, it is always best to use your personal reference or experience for the examples.

By the way, you can't say "tell the true" or "Telling the true" in the essay because the correct term is "Truth", it is a keyword from the original prompt and should be used frequently throughout your essay.

Additionally, always remember to use the concluding paragraph to properly summarize and wrap up the discussion. Use 3 sentences at least. One poorly developed run on sentence won't help your score.

Scholarship / Essay for OFID scholarship. I've been admitted into the prestigious University of Chester in the UK [2]

Erick, this is a very creatively developed essay. You get points for that. However, you neglected to include the prompt that you are responding to in the discussion so I am not sure if all of the information in your essay is required, relevant, or useful in the final reading. Would you mind giving us a copy of the prompt you are responding to so that a more accurate review of your essay my be completed? While I am only allowed to give one free advice per thread, I will do my best to come back and offer you more solid advice upon the posting of the prompt you are responding to. I'm afraid I can't review more of your essay without it. One word of advice though, you may want to present your college degree information before your professional experience. Since this is a scholarship essay, a more chronological form of information presentation, in relation to the prompt requirements is expected in the presentation. Like I said, it seems like there is a lot of information in this essay, I just can't be sure of how it all applies to the original prompt. I hope to find that out soon.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL independent writing: How does the increasing availability of information influence life? [3]

Li, your essay was going pretty well until you decided to discuss the US elections. Don't delve on discussing unproven and debatable facts as actual information in an essay. Stay neutral at all times. In case you missed it, your elections discussion forced a prompt deviation on your part. If you compare the topic for discussion and the discussion instructions you were provided, you went totally rogue with your concluding statement. This means that your essay was no longer on track with the discussion and as such, would have lost valuable points in the final scoring. A word of caution, please avoid making factual references to things such as percentages and placed in these sorts of essays. If it is not public knowledge and will require you to do research, don't even try to include it. Research is the one thing you will not have the time, nor the access to at the testing center. It is important that your discussions be based purely on commonly known information so that you can focus on proving your ability to write in English rather than your ability to research in English. The research part does not factor in the scoring and could prevent you from gaining additional time for the editing and finalization of your essay prior to submission.

Writing Feedback / Some people believe that taking their children into the boarding school is the best choice [3]

Hi Tri, I believe that the highest score that this essay can get is a 4. I base this score on the way that all of your discussion paragraphs are not fully developed. The paragraphs try to discuss multiple issues at one time in the given paragraph, thus creating talking points instead of explanatory responses in the paragraph. Under developed talking points will not do your essay any good because that represents "tangential" responses. That means that the responses do not completely make sense because the discussion sentences are not interconnected.

It would be best if you practice the "one topic per paragraph" method of writing these essays as that is the expected discussion approach when you take the test. Don't get me wrong, your line of reasoning is solid, it is appropriate. It just isn't explained very well and that is the main reason why I had to lower the score of your essay. In addition to that, you also have sentence development problems. I suggest that you brush up on your English reading so that you can familiarize yourself with the English sentence structures. In addition to that, you need to brush up on your English references because you do not always use these properly. Such as:


Time references are important in these types of essays as these indicate the fluidity of your English vocabulary knowledge. The correct term is "supervised", meaning "to have overseen". Make sure that you take the time to review the essay before its submission so that editing mistakes can be avoided.

Writing Feedback / Ielts writing - Take a gap year between high school and university. [5]

Tranh, in an opinion essay, you should represent only one opinion for discussion. That is, unless the prompt specifically states a comparison of both points of view as part of the discussion instruction. When it is not indicated, only a single point of view must be discussed and represented in its strongest form within the 3 body paragraphs. Obviously, that is not how you presented the information in this essay so you can expect to lose points for that. In addition, there is a mandatory 5 paragraph presentation for the task 2 essay, which you also failed to present, so more points deducted for that. Do not present under developed ideas as talking points towards the end of a paragraph. Save the explanation and a supporting explanation of it for one of the 3 body paragraphs so that you can more completely explain yourself and also, get a better scoring consideration for it. More importantly, avoid run - on sentences and under developed discussions that only have 2 sentences in them. The required minimum for appropriate scoring is 3 sentences, no less than that. Don't go over the 5 maximum sentence requirement either.

Writing Feedback / DREAM BIG FUND essay competition [3]

Putri, your essay is not very academic in presentation and also, requires a more coherent presentation for the essay. You seem to be going back in time by referring to a 2010 experience in the essay that doesn't really represent a direct response to the question. In fact, none of your essays provide direct responses or clear responses to the given prompts. For example, when you are asked: Why did you choose this career? The response should be something like,"I chose this career because I want to fix the existing problems for persons with disability in Indonesia. I have worked for..." The question about how the course will change your life and those around you should be responded to directly as "By completing the XXX course at XXX, I know my life will change because... The lives of those around me will be directly affected in a positive manner because I will XXX..." As for how you spend the money, it is best to immediately indicate that you will use it for your research project. There are only 3 prompts provided. That means, a 3 paragraph essay will suffice for the response. With only 500 words to accurately address the questions, you don't need a flowery essay as you have now. Be concise. The reviewer will appreciate it.

Writing Feedback / THE BEST WAY TO REDUCE YOUTH CRIMES IS TO EDUCATE THEIR PARENTS WITH PARENTAL SKILLS [4]

Nguyen, the highest score you can get for this essay is a 5 because you did not properly respond to the prompt requirements. There were also a number of issues regarding your prompt restatement, as well as a confused presentation of your opinion. Let me go into further details below:

The opening paraphrase is always a prompt restatement. In this case, the issue was an extent essay so a strongly opinionated point of view is required for the presentation. The only available option is for you to disagree or agree with the statement using emotional descriptors such as "strongly, wholeheartedly, significantly, partially" to name but a few description words that could have been used in this essay. Since you decided to address both the agreement and disagreement in the essay, your appropriate opinion should have included the word partially in order to describe your point of view / opinion. Without the "partial" representation of your opinion, the essay should have been a single point of view presentation.

The first paragraph should have also recapped the original prompt restatement in order to prove that you understood the topic for discussion and instructions for the discussion. Hence:

There is a point of view that believes that youth crimes may be reduced if parents are properly educated in order to develop their parental skills. I tend to partially agree with this statement. I will support this point of view with reasons that follow below

Only then should you have proceeded to discuss both points of view within the "emotional" essay. By the way, this is always a 5 paragraph essay. That is the best way to achieve the maximum scoring effect based on all 4 scoring considerations. You also fall under the 3 sentence minimum in certain instances. There is a 5 sentence maximum in place for all paragraphs.

You could have also used a stronger closing statement based on a properly summarized discussion of salient points in the body of paragraphs. Using 3 reasons with examples would have been the best bet for your essay to get a higher scoring consideration in this instance.

Writing Feedback / Some people assume that spending money on maintaining public libaries is not necessary [4]

Linh, your opening paragraph is weak because it does not accurately perform its task as the paraphrasing statement. You did not properly restate the prompt and you also did not meet the minimum 3 sentence requirement because your first sentence is a run-on sentence. That means, it is extremely long when it should have been divided into separate sentences in the presentation instead.You also lack the full 5 paragraph requirement for the presentation of a task 2 essay. Do not use connecting words such as "because" to start your sentences because there is no previous thought to connect to the new sentence. Majority of your discussions are mere talking points that do not have a thoroughly developed discussion or explanation because you tend to lose focus of what your actual paragraph topic is supposed to be. Overall, this essay is a good effort but would not have gotten enough scores scraped together to get a passing consideration.

Writing Feedback / A proper training is very significant to make a fundamental structure of children's mind [3]

@nilfort your essay has a series of problems that needs to be addressed before you can even begin to call this a draft essay. For one thing, you began to opinionate on the discussion topic in the opening sentence. Since this is a Task 2 essay, you cannot opinionate until the second paragraph because the first paragraph should only summarize the original prompt with a restatement of the discussion instruction.

Avoid redundancies such as "both of two opinions." Either say "both opinions" or "two opinions". There is no need to state the same information twice. In addition to that, there is no "consequence" in the discussion as both have "differing benefits" for the student. A consequence means that a negative result is arrived at when considering both opinions. That is, I am sure, not what you want to say.

You also forgot to present your personal point of view as a separate, stand alone paragraph discussion in the essay presentation. These major errors though are enough to prevent you from garnering a passing score had this been an actual test.

Scholarship / The proposed study will contribute to my next career, and my country overall [2]

Todo, you need to make the presentation more prompt responsive. Open the essay with a reference to your proposed study plan first. Give a summary of the proposal and then relate it to the government projects related to drilling in your country. That way you will have a more cohesive presentation that fully integrates your personal and professional reasons for pursuing this study proposal with an actual application. Don't focus too much on explaining about the government project. Discuss more of your proposed study in relation to solving a current problem instead. You already made mention of something in relation to that in this essay version. All you have to do now is expand on it. That way the essay assumes a more professional and well developed thought process in the response presentation. Your summarized conclusion should be represented in paragraph form within the essay. One paragraph for each application presentation topic. The essay is too short as of now and does not really provide a detailed explanation of how the program of study will be able to help contribute to your career.

Undergraduate / I hope to work as a accountant or as an IT security consultant - My Personal Statement [3]

Jasmine, your response is too short. You have 300 words to maximize your explanation. Utilize it. Expand your discussion. If possible, choose an experience that creates more of a connection between your academic experience and your chose profession. You took too much of a shortcut in your presentation of both aspects of the essay so that the reviewer may think you just made up this story in order to respond to the prompt. The essay lacks details that would prove how this experience helped to lead you towards your choice of college major. Be more specific about how this project challenged your leadership abilities. Showcase what leadership skills you displayed in order to get the team to cooperate and achieve a cohesive final output. This current version is not only short in information, but it also lacks imagination and an interesting presentation. It has a lot of room for improvement and at least 200 words more that you can use to develop a more engaging presentation. I strongly urge you to use it.

Writing Feedback / Evaluate the pros and cons about factory built near the community. [TOEFL] [3]

@kevin86120 You must avoid starting your sentences with the connecting words "And, but, or because". As these are connecting words, these are normally used in the middle of a sentence for the purpose of connecting 2 related thoughts. These are the "cohesive" words that bind what would otherwise be 2 separate sentences of a connected thought into one presentation sentence. That is why these words cannot be used as opening sentence words. Your paragraph discussions need work. There is a lack of clarity in your presentation which affected its coherence. This was caused by your lack of English sentence structure development skill. Which, I believe, was caused by your lack of English vocabulary. I strongly suggest that you brush up on your English reading so that you will become more familiar with the way English sentences are structured and how certain words are used in their sentence presentation. While you did provide a somewhat understandable presentation in this essay, you are still a long way from being prepared to take the TOEFL test. Here's another tip, read the sample TOEFL essays here so that you can gain insights from the mistakes of others as advice has already been given to those users so you can avoid making the mistakes that they did.

Writing Feedback / Death with Dignity Essay - should patient be allowed to end their life on their own terms? [2]

Kyra, you presented a personal opinion at the end of paragraph 2 but did not follow up on the discussion by presenting your full explanation / opinion regarding the topic. Once a personal point of view is presented, it is not enough for you to leave it hanging there. You need to provide a follow up paragraph that contains personal supporting information for your stand. This is the one time that you cannot simply use all of the research material in support of your opinion. That is why, you should not have presented the personal point of view at the end of an existing paragraph in the middle of an essay. Your personal opinion should be stated as the second to the last discussion in the essay, prior to the conclusion. That way, you can present your point of view based upon the previously stated information, with the addition of some personal knowledge that can help to bolster your stance on the issue. Overall though, the topic is well research and properly cites the references within the text. The only part I would improve upon is the personal presentation aspect.

Scholarship / Knowledge and Skills I hope to gain from my proposed study (Development Studies) [2]

Khusnul, your response is so indirect that it failed to respond to the prompt. When you are writing a word limited essay and responding directly to a prompt question, the response must be indicated as the opening sentence of the first paragraph. Therefore, this essay should have opened with a statement similar to the following:

As a graduate of Development Studies in Indonesia, I acknowledge that I lack international knowledge of the topic that could help to enhance my skills and knowledge in the performance of my duties. I specifically hope to acquire knowledge related to XXX as it applies to my current profession as a XXX. As for the skills, I feel that I need to develop my skill in XXX...because... By enhancing these skills...

That is how a proper response to this essay should be formatted. Respond pointedly to the questions and do not waste space with too much background filler.

Scholarship / What aspect/s of your leadership knowledge, skills and practice you consider to be well established? [2]

Selvi, this essay perfectly establishes your identity as a team member, not as a team leader, which was the whole point of the essay. That is why I do not think that this essay is properly responding to the prompt. You are required to highlight the discussion points with strong representation of your leadership skills, how you applied it in this instance, and what the results of your leadership were. Unfortunately, you focused too much on the team work rather than your leadership of the team. Which is what brought this essay into error. You have to revise the essay to cover a more comprehensive representation of your leadership style, how you inspired the people to work, what you required of them, and what the results of your leadership method was. Focus on you as the leader rather than the way the team responded to the problem. That comes from explaining how you led them. Not the other way around.

Scholarship / Stuned Motivation Statement: Applied engineering research for resilient coastal community [4]

AAL, your first half of the presentation sounds more like you are presenting a lecture and a research paper than your motivation for applying to the program. A motivation is represented by your desire to help improve the current existing programs of your nation through the application of new ideas and solutions to existing problems. This motivation has to come from a professional point of view, not an academic point of view as you present here. Connect your motivation with your current profession and the problems you encounter within it in relation to the coastal community. Depict your frustration at not being able to handle the situation properly. Then explain that these are the reasons by which you are applying to the program.

While you make a strong case for how you plan to use your masters degree after completion, I do not get a strong sense of what makes you a good candidate for the program. This could be because you are referring to your professional experience but not really indicating any strong accomplishments that you have from within. As a masters degree applicant, you need to show that your professional participation has resulted in strong skills being developed on your part or a recognition of the hard work you have been doing. Without these types of information, you are not really explaining why you would make a good candidate for the program.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: Fashionable clothes, Is this attitude a positive or negative development? [3]

Afaque, this is a direct answer single opinion essay. Therefore, you are supposed to pick only one side of the discussion to represent in the essay. Which side do you actually support? That is the main focus of your discussion and should be the overall content of the paper. You approach to the essay discussion is wrong. In addition to that, you are not following the required format for a Task 2 essay.

Your first major mistake, was using a quote from an outside source. I am sure that you had to do research in order to come up with that quote. You relied on the existence of an internet connection in the computer you used. At the actual exam center, the computers will be locked down to a LAN connection. There is no internet available. So you should rely on using common sense and common information when doing the practice tests. This is not an exam about researched information anyway, it is a test of how well you can express yourself in the English language. Analytical thinking is a must, but researched information is not.

By the way, your discussion paragraphs are considered under developed because you discussed more than one topic per paragraph. The strict ruling on that is one topic discussed over 5 sentences per paragraph, Any more than that and the opinion you are presenting is weak and not really impressive. Your explanations tend to become confusing to the reader when you impart information about 2 separate discussion topics in one paragraph. You have 3 body paragraphs, use it the way it was meant to be. As a one reason per paragraph discussion representation.

Overall, this is a poorly developed and presented essay and I do not think you will get an impressive score with such a presentation in the actual test.

Scholarship / Australia award scholarship's contribution in 37 year old's future career [2]

Ulambayar, I am not sure about how to review this essay. You forgot to give the prompt instructions for the development of this written work. So I cannot review it for content, nor can I advice you about talking points for improvement. This pretty much a straightforward response to the prompt that is so cut and dried, it leaves little room for discussion development. I am not sure if this is the right way to approach this essay. I wish you had provided me with a copy of the essay instructions or prompt statement so that I could have better assisted you with this improvement. From what I have read, this is more of a research paper than an application essay. It also comes across as lacking in a professional motivation on your part. There is no clear definition of how the scholarship fits into the discussion. Everything is just a list of talking points without further convincing development.

Undergraduate / Acting as a true ambassador of my country. UGRAD Personal Statement [3]

Gregory, this is a pretty good essay that only requires a simple transition paragraph in order to smoothly transition the discussion from your academic exploits to your volunteer activities. These volunteer activities are quite strong and shows that you would be a considerable addition to the Fulbright Scholarship group if you are chosen. However, I feel that the opening statement is too much of an over reach in your self description. When you are asked why you would be a great candidate for the program, you should focus more on the social interaction part instead of the self motivation section because the Fulbright scholarship is all about helping to promote diversity and unity among the participating nations while in the United States.

When you discuss your first volunteering activity, try to make it a bit stronger by adding information about what you did as a participant in the program. From there, indicate an interest in continuing to participate in similar activities in the United States. Add some ideas about how you hope to spread knowledge about your home country to the less fortunate or the members of the volunteer group in the process. That shows that you have a clear plan of action for your free time as a participant. The academic aspect is pretty much set in stone at this point and doesn't need to be fully threshed out anymore.

Scholarship / Scholarship essay to NTU : An event of personal importance to you. You may choose any topic. [2]

Sourabh, while you were asked to pick someone else or a different event for the topic of this essay, that chosen person or event should not have become the focal point of the essay. The essay should be how this person inspired you to be who you are today. It is not a discussion about how Sachin became the best cricket player and how his father's words helped him achieve that. It is about how these very same words inspired you to become a better person just as he was. How did these words affect you in a parallel manner? That is the discussion point required by this essay. Your response totally missed the point so you will have to write a new one that either delivers a clear focus on you or a shared discussion regarding parallelism between you and Sachin.

Scholarship / CT's Motivation Letter for applying Master Degree Maritime Operation [2]

CHUMPON, a motivation letter is an essay that explains your reasons for wishing to enroll in a specific masters degree course at a particular university. The required information for a motivation letter is as follows:

1. Your current job title and description.
2. Your perceived challenges on the job
3. An explanation of how these challenges led you to enroll in a masters course.
5. An explanation of how your university choices were selected in relation to your motivation for studies.

As you can see, you have some misplaced information in your current presentation. You created a mix of a motivational letter and a statement of purpose. You have to correct that error in your revised essay. Focus on creating a 5 paragraph essay that solely discusses the clear motivations that you have for enrolling in the course you have chosen at these two universities. Make sure to differentiate your motivation for choosing each learning institurion so that your motivational letter will cover all the required motivational reasons.

Writing Feedback / Should we learn a foreign language? Provide your thoughts. [4]

chieh, your total essay is not making any sense. None of your sentence have subjects and your topic sentences per paragraph seem to be absent in every paragraph you write. There is a clear lack of coherence and cohesiveness in your presentations so that the overall essay will actually fail because it does not have enough proper representation of any of the scoring criteria to warrant a passing consideration. Your English level, based upon this presentation is nothing more than a beginner's level of understanding. Yet, you are trying to write a full essay in coherent English. That is why you failed to properly represent your thoughts in this essay. You lack the proper English know how to have been able to do so. Before you can start writing an English essay of even the simplest form, you must first, have enough knowledge and understanding of the English words, grammar presentation, and meaning. Otherwise, you end up with these types of presentation errors. Unworthy of the time that it took for you to write it. Develop your English vocabulary first. Then try to write a simple essay based on a simple essay topic. Right now, you lack the ability to do even that.

Writing Feedback / Questions about transitions of paragraphs and ideas in personal statement for CDC job [2]

Shristi, your first two paragraphs are irrelevant to the prompt questions. The questions posed before you all require you to think about your current profession, how you plan to grow your position or gain promotions so that you can receive more responsibility in exchange for higher pay as you pursue your advocacy, and what your relevant background in the field is. Right now, this sounds more like a college application personal statement than a masters degree personal statement. You don't sound professional at all in this essay. All of the experiences that you relate do not sound like you have taken the time to understand what information the prompt requires of you, which is why your responses are difficult to connect to the questions posed. Look, there are only 3 questions posed. Therefore, the essay can actually be responded to in 3 paragraphs. Review your responses to the questions and make sure that you directly respond to each question in the revised essay. One question, one paragraph. Nothing more, nothing less. The more pointed your response, the more it will be informative when the reviewer reads it.

Undergraduate / Drawing - my one constant love. SCAD statement of purpose (sequential art major) [2]

Gabi, this is a pretty good WIP. You may want to consider explaining why you took some courses twice though. If you did not fail the class then, why the keen interest? Did taking it twice help you somehow? About the stories that you want to tell, don't suddenly fall back on the basic presentations about space pirates and the like. Your original line of unique story presentation about mental illness and queerness made me want to learn more about how you plan to apply 2D animation to these sorts of stories should you use them for video shorts. Make the presentation come to life. Tell a story about your interest. If you were to set it to a video, what would it look like? Maybe, you can even tell the reviewer more about how your college classes prepared you for SCAD. I sense a strong preparation in the essay, it just needs to be developed further. Good work so far. I hope to read your editing version soon.

Scholarship / Why you apply for Msc in Business Administration, specialization Small Business & Entrepreneurship? [2]

@SSAGitz you are not being asked why you want to be an entrepreneur, the question is all about the reasons why you chose to focus on this particular MsC. That means, explain how your choice of course relates to the needs of your profession. Not the other way around as you have it in this essay. When you are asked for the reason why you are applying to this program, you should respond with some sort of business plan that shows how you will apply your studies in real time. What are your immediate plans for your business after you graduate? That is a perfect basis for the reason why you are applying to the program. When asked about your future intentions, discuss the Batik business and how you plan to make it grow within 5 years. Explain how this course will help to prepare you for the business challenges that you will be facing as a small scale business owner. These combined experiences and plans, coupled with your strong points as a college student who had a significant internship during your college time will create the picture of you as a significant candidate for this course.

Scholarship / Essay about How do you pay your tuition and living expenses while in college? [3]

Sophia, your whole essay, save for the part where you discuss working as a call center agent is nothing more than filler that does not respond to the question. There are 3 parts to the response for this essay. (1) How do you plan to pay for your tuition and living expenses upon enrollment? (2) How do you plan to pay for your living, tuition, and other expenses as an actively enrolled student?) (3). How do you plan to pay for future unexpected expenses? All of these questions need to be responded to in a specific manner. That is, actually explain how you plan to keep money in your pocket for expenses not covered by the scholarship should you fail to get it. Your first answer is that you will continue to work as a call center agent at night. Then what? How do you plan to augment that income should you be forced to quit the night job in favor of sleep so you can function as a student who attends daily classes? Can your parents help to support you to a certain extent? If yes, how? If no, what options do you have other than the scholarship? Consider how you plan to support yourself in college. That is what the prompt is all about.

Writing Feedback / Education should be free for everyone. Do you Agree or disagree? Write an essay to present your idea [4]

Pham, your essay is wrong from the very beginning. The prompt paraphrase is incomplete and / or inaccurate. I cannot fully determine what it is that you are trying to paraphrase in the first paragraph. You have to make sure that your paraphrasing is clear to the reader otherwise, you will get a failing score for it as you did with this one. In addition to that, you turned this into an "emotional" opinion discussion by saying you "partly" agree with the statement. The only choice you have are a full agreement or disagreement, there is no midway in the discussion. As an opinion essay, this was to be written as a 5 sentence per paragraph, 5 paragraph essay. None of these requirements were fulfilled in the essay you presented. The lack of clarity in your discussion and, what I believe to be a prompt deviation based on the "government responsibility" idea are the reasons that I do not feel like this essay will get a passing mark in an actual test setting. It would be in your best interest to read the sample essays here so that you can learn how to properly present these types of essay discussions.

Scholarship / Being at crossroads in the journey of life. My "Personal Statement" for Government Scholarship [6]

Fateme, your family background has no bearing in this application. Even as a revised essay, it is still weak and not totally applicable to the prompt questions and expected responses. You have to remember that you are applying for a PhD in this instance so the total focus of this essay must be on the method by which you applied your masters studies to the advancement of your profession and why you believe that at this point in your career, you require a PhD level education to go further in the profession. The motivation must be related to your profession. The interests, must be a spin off from your masters degree course, and the interest in Hangeul must stem from your work related experiences. It cannot be a narrative of your biography. That makes it irrelevant to the application and will ensure that the reviewer disregards your application immediately.

Scholarship / KGSP Personal Statement - opportunity to delve deeper into Korean studies [3]

Sven, you need to refocus your response to represent only the academic and professional aspects of your application in relation to the prompt. Your response is purely academic based when you are required to connect your college interests with your profession and from there, to your interest in a masters degree. This masters degree interest will then translate into your interest in the KGSP program. The discussion about your interest in Korea stemming from a visit to Los Angeles will require further explanation as you visited America and not Korea so the connection regarding the development of your interest does not seem to be logical. Basically, your essay is weak in representation when it comes to the prompt discussion. Most of the weakness comes from the purely academic and internship concentration. Since you will be up against some of the most experienced professionals in various fields for this scholarship, it is important that you strengthen your professional background presentation in a manner that clearly indicates how you will benefit from further studies done in a Korean academic setting.

Writing Feedback / Some people fail in school, but end up being successful in life. Why do you think that is the case? [5]

Alex, in a direct question essay, you must always refer to the discussion type when you develop your draft response. In this instance, the instruction is asking you for a justified discussion of only 1 very strong reason for the success of a person who has not completed an education. It is not asking for multiple reasons for the same question. Therefore, this essay is not going to get a very good score due to its prompt deviation. Consider that you are asked "What is the most important thing to succeed in life?" then connect it to "Why is this the case?" and you should have come up with a better answer than the one you presented. A discussion based on the well know college successful college dropouts like Mark Zuckerberg and Steve Jobs would have put your essay on the right track towards a proper and more relevant response. Instead, you offered a mashup of ideas that don't really make sense discussion wise, nor does it connect in a cohesive manner.

Writing Feedback / Studying in foreign countries gradually become an upward trend - a positive one or not? [3]

Ha, a completely accurate discussion review of your essay cannot be completed without the complete prompt requirement. I need to read the original prompt and not just the title you decided to assign to it in order to determine the applicability of your discussion approach as well as the mistakes you may have made in the presentation. Overall, the essay is short in terms of discussion content. You need 3 body paragraphs discussion the reasons for the side you have chosen to discuss. It would seem that you are discussing the advantages and disadvantages of the study abroad trend when the actually prompt is asking for a discussion of whether this is a positive or negative trend. Your title and actual discussion are in conflict with one another. Thus, an appropriate review for your essay cannot be accomplished. If you still wish to get a proper review for this essay done, you will need to post the original and complete prompt for the reference of the reviewers here.

Writing Feedback / A recent movement in education has been called "Back to Basics." Current curriculum controversy. [3]

@sungin115 I am going to review this as an actual research paper and not an English grammar exam since you did not indicate which of the 2 you are trying to accomplish here. I will assume the more obvious "research paper" angle because of your given format. The first mistake in this essay is that you are not discussing the "movement" as indicated in the prompt but rather a "research" in some publication that you did not even mention nor properly cite in this paper. That change from "movement" to research" shows that you did not understand the prompt explanation provided. There is a big difference between a "research journal publication" and a "movement'. The latter being more public opinion based instead of academic based. That is why the discussion of your essay does not seem to accurately align itself with the prompt expectations. In fact, I do not understand why you are calling the "Back to Basics" an old fashioned movement as that is not indicated in the prompt. It is a new movement and as such, should not be given such a description in your essay. Make sure you understand the full prompt before you start writing. Otherwise, you create an excellent paper, as you did here, which doesn't really respond to the prompt you were provided.

Writing Feedback / Effects of TV on positive or negative culture [3]

Rosita, the choice of discussion comes with the word "or" separating the two opinions. That word indicates that this is a single opinion, not a dual opinion discussion essay. That said, your total approach to the essay discussion is not correct. You decided to discuss both points of view in the essay rather than the more appropriate single point of view presentation. In fact, your personal opinion was warranted / required as part of the opening statement paraphrase, By not indicating a singular point of view for discussion, you will have points deducted from your TA score.

As a single opinion essay, there needs to be 3 strong reasons supporting it within your body of paragraphs. All Task 2 essays must have 5 paragraphs presented for maximum scoring consideration. Your 3 body paragraph should represent:

1. Supporting reason 1
2. Supporting reason 2
3. Example discussion

Your concluding paragraph is not representative of the correct discussion summary either. Therefore, it would not help you get a passing score for this test. This being your first time trying to write this sort of essay, I will not score you. However, I would like you to review the various discussion types required of the Task 2 essay and then, write a new essay accordingly. I can score you on that essay instead because you should already know the difference between an single opinion and multiple opinion essay presentation.

Graduate / Describing myself as a decent candidate for MSc in Artificial Intelligence [3]

Giuseppe, you over complicated what should have been a simple 5 paragraph letter to the admissions committee. There is no need for this tremendously over informative essay because about 90% of it is not required in a motivational letter. A motivational letter is simple. All it has to do is explain why factors were involved in your decision making process to attend masters degree studies. The most effective motivational letters are written from the point of view of a person with a vision for the future applications of the masters course he has chosen to study in his professional field. Consider the current abilities of artificial intelligence and what you think it can further do in the future within a specific realm or profession. Then, explain why you think this is something that should be pursued to become a reality. What obstacles do you see as preventing this development? Those should be your main "motivating" factors. Remember, this is supposed to be a cover letter for your actual application essays and documents. So it should not be more than 5 paragraphs in presentation. All the other information you have here should be presented in either a personal statement or a statement of purpose. Both of which should be included as part of your application essays.