Writing Feedback / IELTS; The ability of students in the areas of literacy and numeracy have declined [15]


it should be "numeracy competition" and not "completition"

What's the purpose of this writing? IELTS or TOEFL? Better mention that in the title itself.

If this is for one of those tasks, your above intro needs improvement.

Writing Feedback / The officials of Canadian universities have high variety in allow international students to graduate [3]


Well, again a real bad word "INQUIRY" :(
Although an inquiry refers to an act of asking for information, it is generally used for a close examination of a matter in a search for information or truth. The police makes inquiries to find the true culprit. But here, it is no such case and the word should have simply been "details"

You have to get rid of this habit of trying new words without knowing their real meaning. It is better to use simple words rather than having your sentences becoming meaningless.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 : Factors influence job performance [3]


.... by using the word "evidence" your entire introduction loses its direction :( Do not experiment with words if you are not sure about their usage. Factors and evidence have very different meanings and if you do not get a proper word to replace what you see in the prompt, don't be afraid to use the same word, but present your sentence a bit differently.

Writing Feedback / In my views, there is a positive and negative effects of global tourism in one country [8]


Well, I don't think I am good at that :D
However, you can assess yourself and I am giving the following link in hope that it would help you;
ielts.org/PDF/UOBDs_WritingT2.pdf
Also, I feel you need to worry more about improving your writing than the final score. You need to pay more attention to grammar and clarity of your sentences. For example;


....this is a pretty confusing sentence and grammar is not so great here;
Tourism industry helps a country to boost its economy.

Writing Feedback / Three important things in choosing a job. - IELTS topic. [13]


Ok, let's do a few hooks :)
One would have to do a job in order to survive as well as to thrive (hook)
There is a saying, "A good day is a pay day". (hook)
I hope you now got the idea. You do not have to work too hard on it ,but start with something simple. If you have a difficulty with a hook, then start straight away with the background by para phrasing the prompt.

Writing Feedback / COMPUTERS Vs TEACHERS; What would happen in the future? [3]

I requested you to follow some forum rules in your other thread and hope you'd pay attention to them when you open new thread. This one too I found in the Graduate forum which is not the appropriate forum (I moved it to Writing Feedback)

You need to improve a lot on your essay structure.

Writing Feedback / Credit Cards do good to people ? Agree/ Disagree [7]

First, I wish to make a few admin requests from you - You should open new threads in the most appropriate forum and in this case it is the Writing Feedback forum. Also, you need to have a more meaningful title in the subject field (it does not mean that you should type the full prompt of the essay). Also include for which purpose you are writing the essay. For example, IELTS, TOEFL, GRE etc. Then include the prompt in the essay so that others get a good understanding about what it asks from you. All these are not mere forum rules, but tips that help you earn more meaningful feedbacks for your writing. :)

Writing Feedback / Ielts Task 2:Our cities are noisier than ever before. Why is this so, and what can be done [4]

Nowadays, it is believedobvious that people live in a noisier environments than in the past.


I also feel that it is the responsibility of both the government as well as enterprises to find solutions for this issue.

Try to include some specific examples for your reasoning :)

Essays / Essay plan - It is possible for older people continue to work? [6]

Well, you need to do your essay and post it to the forum for us to provide you with feedbacks. Always mention the purpose of writing this essay (e,g, IELTS, TOELF) so that we can check the alignment between the prompt and your essay.

Writing Feedback / task-2 General ielts- Industrial pollution is increasing all around the world. [6]

It is good if you included your prompt in the essay so that we know exactly what it expects from you.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 (Map) - Planned Shopping Center Locations [2]

The map shows illustrates town planning for two potential locations (B and A) for atwo new shopping centers(A and B) and main transport routes in a town.

The main difference between the two positionslocations of A and B shopping centeres is that A is located inside the town centerB is outside the town , whereas B is outside the townA is in the town center . The positions can also be compared in terms of access by road or rail, and their sites relative to three other towns

Writing Feedback / Three important things in choosing a job. - IELTS topic. [13]

Ok, you are preparing for taking up IELTS. It is better you include your full prompt in the essay so that we get a better understanding about what it requires from you :)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL:Travel from home to a place 40 miles away. Which method of travel you would choose ? [4]

Transportation is an important element of today's contemporary world and it plays a huge role in shorteningsaving one'sthe time one takes totaken on travellingtravel to several places.

Undergraduate / Leadership, Interests, Discrimmination Qusetion Essay [3]

One of my most exhilarating leadership experiences has been thedischarging my duties as the president of the Art Troupe, which is the first association organized by students spontaneously to contract profermancesperformanceslike the school's anniversary party.... well, the latter part is not very clear. I think it is better you explain a little more about the objective of this association, ideally in a separate sentence.

Writing Feedback / Topic: My favorite three ways of communications. [5]


.... transformed life to what? You need to specify!
Secondly, the Internet has been instrumental in transforming our lives into a more technologically advance platform.

I especially prefer more using especially Facebook, Gmail, Mailru and Odnoklassnikiru to another emails


The third way of communication that I am interested in is the face to face communication.

Writing Feedback / IELTS;Popular events are essential in easing international tension [3]


Well, this sounds like an opinion. Instead you should have given a feel of a background.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Australian children leisure activity [5]


.... you need to pay attention to grammar;
boys or girls do watch / boys or girls watch / boy does watch/ boys do watch


Overall, the Australian children, both boys and girls, prefer to spend their leisure time watching television or video over other types of leisure activities. The girls take least interest in Skateboarding or rollerblading as a leisure activity while the body are least interested inArt and Craft.

Writing Feedback / Relationship between HIGH SALES & POWER OF ADVERTISING [6]

There are two things you need to follow when opening a new thread. First, you should have a meaningful title in the Subject field (this one is attended by us). Second, you better mention the purpose of this writing in the title itself, e.g. TOEFL, IELTS, GRE etc. That help others to provide you with more task related comments.


There is very little connection between these two sentences. This is your hook and therefore it needs better presentation.

Writing Feedback / High salaries to sportsmen or other important professions; equally hard work [5]

There are two things you need to follow when opening a new thread. First, you should have a meaningful title in the Subject field (this one is attended by us). Second, you better mention the purpose of this writing in the title itself, e.g. TOEFL, IELTS, GRE etc. That help others to provide you with more task related comments.


I think it is better if your introduction is a bit more longer :)

Writing Feedback / My friend veipune [5]

Firstly, I learnedshe helped me learn how important it is to hold a positive attitude was importantin life. She believed being positive is the key to happiness. Which, which I thought it was true, and still believes it is true!Consequently, sheShe often pushed negative aside and looked up on positive aspectlooked forward more optimistically.

Scholarship / "Fashion should portray grace, intellect, artistic beauty and youthful energy";SCHOLARSHIP [5]

That'sThis is how I believe thatthe life should be lived.


Being a daughter of a kindergarten teacher, I grew up surrounded by art works and accessories - colored papers, glitter, brushes, paint etc.

SheMy mother was the biggest influence to help me sort out what I wanted to do in my future, but I was not sure which path to take until I start my graduation. (this is a bit confusing? Were you in high school or what? )

Undergraduate / I was born in China and moved to Switzerland - Transfer motivation to Penn [2]

Starting to learn a completely new language (German) and adapting myself to a new environment waswere great challengesa great challenge for me.

I wasam very proud of what I have reachedachieved in my life with amy bi-cultural background so far.


Your answer to this prompt is condensed here. I think you need to elaborate more on this. Why you want this transfer?

Writing Feedback / belong to a middle class; Being a celebrity - such as a famous film star or ... [5]

To begin with, many celebrities earn extremely large amount of money, that is millions and millions of US dollars. This allows them to live a fullvery luxurious life .


This sentence is too long and has many redundant words. Try to express ideas more clearly in shorter sentences.


On the other hand, these celebrities do not enjoy much privacy due to their fame.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 1; Annual expenditure of a British school [10]

Hey, your image is too small for us to have a good look at it. I think it is better you upload it once again with a bigger version of the image.

With regard to your structure, I strongly suggest to follow what Pahan has suggested you. Have the parts - Introduction, Overview and Details in your response.

The three pie charts illustrate the figuredetails of annual expenditure of a particular british school in 1981,1991 and 2001.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last 20 years. [12]


... Hey, this is really awesome news :D You've got band 8.0 :)
You deserve it and I had lots of confidence that you'd go for a good band. And as Pahan mentioned above, it's very nice of you to tell us your score :)


Thanks for the compliments and indeed this is very encouraging and we are now more confident about our mentoring and coaching efforts :D
You too can join us now in our efforts to help those who need help :)

Writing Feedback / "Pohela Falgun" - The custom of my country that I like most and will encourage to follow TOEFL essay [10]


Of course you can seek help for the Integrated task. You may upload the reading section using the Attach file(s). However, I wonder whether others would be able to read it clearly. Also, I don't think you can upload the audio tape. However, you can type your response in the message block and we would surely get some sense of contents of the audio. I think I would be able to help you with that task providing some insights on the structure and the style of writing it. :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Water Cycle from the ocean to air and to the Earth surface [6]

Hey... you need to upload the diagram. I have seen you've done this in other threads and I guess you know how to do that :)

The diagram describes the process of water cycle from the ocean to air and to the Earth surfacewhich comprises of three distinct in the three stages.

First, we need the diagram to make more meaningful comments. Also, you should have followed the same structure for this task too.

Undergraduate / TAMU transfer student Statement of Purpose! [4]

My grandfather wrote for a newspaper that stood for ????stand during one of Pakistan's worst times of rioting
What did your grandfather write? Did he write poems in support of human rights?


.... writing love letters to your mom, does not make your father a poet :( you need to talk about more convincing examples !

Writing Feedback / Toefl - Do you agree or disagree? "The most important thing about a job is how much money [5]


... the second part of your sentence is quite complicated :(

Handsome digit salary is required to pay our bills and secure our future. But monetary gain has not outweighed other emotional and personal benefits factors which are also required along with it.

Writing Feedback / belong to a middle class; Being a celebrity - such as a famous film star or ... [5]


Well, this is not a good sentence to open your essay. Try to write a short and more catchy line to hook your reader :)

Writing Feedback / "Pohela Falgun" - The custom of my country that I like most and will encourage to follow TOEFL essay [10]


Well, I think I have asked a wrong question :( I had not followed your prompt properly and really sorry about it. :( I just saw it is a part of the prompt.

Also, I want to ask you whether this is for a writing task or a speaking task. This is not likely a writing task prompt. However, if it is for a speaking task, then let me know and I can suggest you a good structure for that :)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Which is better- Learning foreign language in home or host country? [5]


May be this is not so true. How about UK, USA and Australia? They now have their own cultures but share more or less the same language. So, you've got to be careful when you make generalizations. Well, I suggest the following lines for your hook;

Due to heavy globalization, the world has become closer and closer. Therefore having literacy on foreign languages can be very advantageous for people today.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 - Bar and Line Charts! Tourists Of Japan Travelling Abroad! [8]


Although there had been a slight decline in 1991, a progressive growth can be observed in the trend of Japanese travelling abroad from the year 1991 to 1995, the year which recorded all time high figure of 15 million Japanese travelers.


I quite agree :) Very neat and well organized essay. You are quite ready to take up this task. :)

Undergraduate / What is my intended major? Why would i choose this major? [3]

Hi,
First I have an admin request from you - You have opened this thread in the "Forum faq Help" forum which is not the appropriate one for this thread. It is a forum rule to select the most appropriate forum when you open a new thread. This is quite obviously a part of your Common App process and therefore this should have been opened in Undergraduate Forum (or Graduate Forum if you preparing for Masters or Phd) We moved it from the Forum faq to Undergraduate and please give some care to follow these rules in future.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL ESSAY - Short stories are preferred more than movies,explain your position. [7]


Yes, I think it is always good to state your position in your intro. It helps you to take the reader in the direction that you desire. In this case I feel you wish to take a moderate stance and I think that's quite fine. But make a clear statement that it is the position you hold;


.... instead you can say;
In my view, I believe both of them have their distinct importance.

Writing Feedback / "Pohela Falgun" - The custom of my country that I like most and will encourage to follow TOEFL essay [10]


.... Add more spice to this sentence ;)
First reason is that this custom is a very colorful event that brings so much brightness into our routine lives.


February is the time that spring just arrives. The trees would bear their new freshly green leaves.


... I don't understand why you included this sentence here in this essay. For me, it does not look like a requirement.

Graduate / Want to get into Business school with this SOP; I am an Afgan [4]


Well, I think you can talk about a bit more on your short term and long term goals more specifically. Then pick some features of this program that are well aligned with these goals. That may impress the admission officers - you know what you want to do in future and you have a good understanding about what you are going to study and such study will help you achieve those goals :)

Writing Feedback / Priority: The happiness of the majority vs the rights of individuals? [3]

A vast amountMany of people believe that the happiness of the majority is more important, while others claim that the rights of individuals should have priority


A good quote :) .... However, I do not find much alignment between the ideas of your first body para and the topic. Sounds like you are going bit out of topic there. You need to discuss how happiness of the majority number of people is more important than protecting rights of each individual.

Writing Feedback / IELTS- How should the value of a person be evaluated? [3]

First, I have an admin request. You need to have a more meaningful topic in the Subject field when you open a new thread. It is a forum rule and this title was attended by us. Hope you start doing that with your next thread :D


You should have spent a little more time and effort in describing this idea because it is the background of the issue and it is of core importance in your intro :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Crime in UK; percentage of criminality of British people in different age/gender [11]


Adopt a more reporting tone. Avoid phrases like "it is clear that", "We can also see"
Overall, the largest percentage of crimes is committed by males aged 20. while prison inmate was considerably higher in men than in women.
Overall, good writing. However, I like if you added one more para with details for this response :)