Writing Feedback / The past 20 years have seen a considerable increase of international tourism. [9]


I don't think "live" is the right word. Actually, travelers just "visit" or "stay" there.



is threatened


need to be seen from both aspects. Also, you could end this sentence here and start a new one from "Therefore".



well-known/widely known


This is on the bottom right of the comment.

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay about Multitasking, problems and solutions [6]


This sentence sounds confusing to me. What do you mean by "a welcome skill"?



You can omit this part.


tasks


adversely affect productivity, for example, poor performance at university or at work.


As you start your sentence with "As a result", this sentence should be a consequence of the previous sentence. However, your previous sentence is about multitasking while studying, whereas this sentence is about the effect of multitasking on working performance.


In addition,


I think that this example is not quite relevant to the topic.


"Sufficient" is the wrong word. It means "adequate" or "enough".


these issues


preparing a to-do list and then prioritizing the tasks


each individual

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay about Multitasking, problems and solutions [6]

1.


This sentence is more meaningful and you could use it instead of the former one.
This is my suggestion: The fast-paced modern world has led to the growing need of people for handling many tasks simultaneously. While multitasking may cause several problems, they could certainly be tackled by some measures.

2. Yes. The coherence of your essay is really important.
3. I don't think this example is convincing enough since it is more about the impact of spending too much time on some activities related to modern devices than performing many tasks at the same time.


Also, this doesn't sound like multitasking to me.
Hope this helps!

Writing Feedback / IELTS- Problems with students behaviour [3]


drew -> drawn


undisciplined behaviour


they might be influenced by televised violence


bullying younger students and skipping school.


mechanisms
I think the third body paragraph needs some supporting sentences. Anyway, you have very good writing skill and hope you''ll get a high score in the real test :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS : Modern technology has an influence on schools today! [2]

It will be better if you include your opinion in your introduction.


it is easier to pursue education


This just repeats your idea in the previous sentence.


Time and geographical distance are no longer obstacles to learners.


This has grammatical mistakes. You could write: People can take online courses of universities in a different continent.





on helping children not only acquire academic knowledge but also become responsible citizens.
Hope this helps!

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Different Reasons for attending college or universtiy [6]


Firstly/To begin with


people want to have the best preparation for their career.


Academic knowledge provided in secondary school is inadequate for a student who, for example, aspires to become a doctor.



Another reason for entering university is to establish relationship with other people.


This is a good chance


Lastly


higher education learners are likely to secure better employment opportunities after graduation.


Don't use contraction in your essay.

Writing Feedback / The internet as a reliable/unreliable source of information [4]

What is the purpose of your essay?


The Internet provides users with a large amount of information. However, people still question the reliability of this information source.


-> most

It would better if you could explain the result or the effect of these reasons. However, I feel that three reasons you listed are not quite relevant to the topic.

Student Talk / Listening: 8.5 - I got my IELTS result today [12]

Thank you, Rebecca. Good luck with your exam :)

Writing Feedback / Some people say that increasing working hours leads to economic success [5]

Are you preparing for IELTS or TOEFL? You should include the purpose of your essay next time. Besides, your essay is irrelevant to the incomplete topic you posted. It would be better if you could provide us with the full prompt.


specific recruitment policy


all employers


academic background


This is an incomplete sentence.


This sentence is not coherent with your previous sentences.

Writing Feedback / IELTS part1 - Number of minutes of telephone calls in Australia [4]



You could use "total phone call duration".



You have to use the appropriate tense for a Task 1 essay. In this case, it is the simple past tense that should be used.
-> The first half of the period saw an increase in the total number of minutes of local calls while the second half experienced an opposite trend.




-> began to decrease steadily

Writing Feedback / Increasing population required many energy sources to meet what people need [2]

You had better provide us with the full prompt of the essay. Also, you have to revise your grammar carefully to have the best preparation for your actual test. I can see many grammatical mistakes in your essay :(


It is true that population growth has put immense pressure on natural resources


You could start a new sentence from here and this could be used as your thesis statement
-> In my opinion, while using alternative sources of energy will be a good solution, this measure can bring some disadvantages.


many issues


the strain on available natural resources

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Technology cannot solve all the world's problems! [8]


You had better rephrase this part. For example:
Other values such as economy, politics and education should be given more priority than technological solutions.


This sentence is not related to the topic.


I feel that this paragraph is not really aligned with the topic. You just listed some disadvantages of technological advances instead of explaining why technology can't solve every problem and why other values should be given more attention. This makes your essay more like a discussion essay than a argumentative essay.

Writing Feedback / Economic growth is defined as an increase in the number of goods and services produced in one year [5]



educational level


the development of infrastructure


Well-educated employees



for the development/advancement



economic growth


A good heathcare system implies a more productive workforce.

Writing Feedback / IELTS (Academic)Task 2- Museums VS. Internet [3]



detailed descriptions



impossible to be replaced


With the Internet


explain -> explains


-> despite/in spite of

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2 - Should we judge people by their appearance? [9]


I don't feel that this part is relevant to the topic.



other people's mind


inner qualities


Undoubtedly


that impresses us


This part is quite confusing.


. This just repeats your idea in the introduction.


This is an interesting idea that needs developing.


What do you mean by "to get them well"?

Writing Feedback / School violence is one of the social issues that is demanding corrective attention [7]


You can omit this part.


to tackle the issue.


violence has become more often in many schools.


is a complex issue that causes many negative effects.

Writing Feedback / Work or travel before university; very difficult to resume after discontinuation [4]


high school graduates


This part is ok but you don't need to give examples in the introduction. I think you should keep it short and direct and save your examples for your body paragraphs.

Undergraduate / Technology can only changes our traditions not to destroy our traditional values [5]


There is no doubt that


technology has both benefits and drawbacks.


technological development leads to the loss of customs, traditions and cultures.


You can start a new sentence from here.


how they affect.


This sentence makes no sense. What do you mean by "learn more new things"?



This has grammatical issues.
On the other hand, people can derive huge benefits from technology.


Technology plays an important role in bettering people's lives.


because of


helps


I believe


You didn't mention it clearly in your essay.
Your essay is too short. This task 2 essay should include at least 250 words. Also, it would be better if you could pay attention to your grammar.

Hope this helps!

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task2 - Causes and solutions in preventing bad influence of adult products [7]


I think this is possible but I prefer a short and direct introduction. The introduction provides readers with main points you intend to develop. Also, writing a simple introduction will help you save time to support your ideas in your body paragraphs.


I find this paragraph irrelevant to the topic.


include sex education in the curriculum


You can omit this part.


Besides


What do you mean by "sensitive product"?


have little or no effect



Another solution


pornography


in decreasing

Writing Feedback / UK economic structure had experienced considerable changes over the last century - the graph [4]


The graph provides information


This sentence could form an overall paragraph. Also, I don't think the conclusion paragraph is necessary as it just repeats the point you already mentioned.

Overall, you write very well :)

Writing Feedback / Some schools are introducing unpaid community services into their school programmes compulsorily. [4]


supporters


It is important to include your opinion clearly in the introduction.


On the one hand


this service


many team-building activities


Furthermore


Students are able to meet different people by participating in community services, which partially contributes to improving their communication skills.


Besides/Additionally


make a student's CV more impressive.


opponents


as it can waste too much time of students


Their points of view


Most students

Writing Feedback / Young adults - early independence or living with family for a long time? [4]


This sentence is unnecessary as you already mentioned your idea in the introduction.


can learn how to cope with





Start a new sentence from "As a consequence"



You can omit this sentence.

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay - Animals should not be exploited or humans must use animals to satisfy them [6]

Not all animals are pets. Also, I find this part irrelevant to the food chain you mentioned.
The prompt asks you to discuss both views, for and against animal exploitation. However, they were not clearly stated in your essay. You should pay attention to task completion as it is one of the four criteria used to grade your essay.

Writing Feedback / One of the characteristics of successful leaders is the sense of responsibility for accept [3]

It is better if you provide us with the purpose of your writing (IELTS, TOEFL,...).


he has become a loyal customer to my father's company since then.


Don't use contraction in your essay.
You write very well, Hellen :)

Writing Feedback / After 19 century, everything changes dramatically like never before - Life today is more comfortable [8]

What is the purpose and full prompt of your essay? Are you preparing for IELTS or TOEFL?


Since the 19th century. Why do you choose to write about the 19th century in your introduction?


everything has changed


This part is not necessary.


Avoid using contractions in your essay.


often travel/visit


was not given much priority


There has been an immense increase in the population of China


a serious problem
You should pay attention to your grammar!

Writing Feedback / No one can deny the benefits to be gain from leading a hand to in needed nations [3]


has stepped/is stepping


This part could be omitted.


This sounds confusing.


are not obliged


no loss


"Nevertheless" is a redundant word. You already used "although" in this sentence.


This sentence is not necessary.
Your introduction is too lengthy. You had better write a short and direct one to save time for your body paragraphs.


are guaranteed


You could omit this part.


This sentence is incomplete. You could merge it with the previous sentence.


despite = in spite of


by providing


that can be gained


final results


both sides


Hope this helps!

Writing Feedback / IELTS-More and more people want to buy famous brands of clothes, cars and other items. [5]



This sentence adds no value to your introduction. Instead, you should try to answer the questions given in the prompt. Also, avoid using "you" in your essay.


This sentence should be omitted.


You should give an example instead.


what they think/what they are told


have negative effects
Your ideas need developing with explanations and examples.

Writing Feedback / IELTS-task1-the table below gives information related to population growth... [7]



with three levels of income.




stayed

Writing Feedback / College and attaining a degree will give you a chance to more successful career. [6]


as to whether they should opt for a job or pursue higher education in university


If this is your opinion, state it more clearly. For example: I believe/I agree ...


Don't use "you" in your academic writing.


You could start a new sentence here.


that offers both theoretical and practical knowledge to learners.


students


are trained


What are "these universities"?


have some links


to improve their practical experience.


corporations


most of which


a full-time professional degree



having a job


What do you mean by "in your field" in this case?

Writing Feedback / Entertainment, culture, heritage - What do we need music? [5]


You should omit the comma after "that"



it is international music that catches more interest of the young generation.


This sounds informal and this is also unnecessary. You could give a brief answer to the questions given in the prompt instead.


listening to music is one of the most popular way of entertainment


This part can be removed.


are interested in filling their leisure time with music


The comma is wrongfully used here.


helps them to relax after long working hours.


You don't need to mention this idea again.


In this paragraph, you should focus on why we need music.


This paragraph shows that international music is far more popular, but it doesn't show whether this kind of music is more important.
Also, you should pay attention to your grammar! Hope this helps!

Writing Feedback / enthusiastic generation; Who brings up the children: Parents or Teachers [6]


Children are the future leaders of society/The future lies within the hands of the young generation.


This sentence is not necessary.


parents are the first and most important teachers to shape children in their early stages.


in front of their children


I don't agree with this opinion. Actually, every school has rules and regulations to follow and children have a better chance to socialize or make friends with their peers at school.


apart from parents


This sentence is lengthy and confusing, especially the part "only in the hands of teacher". Do you mean that parents are not involved in children's future orientation?


In conclusion

Writing Feedback / Some people believe in co-educational classes and others believe in segregated ones [3]


This sentence is too long and does not present your topic clearly. You can simply say that: There is no denying that educational environment is important to the development of students.


In my opinion, co-educational classes can bring more benefits to students than segregated ones.


This part can be omitted.


Do you mean "co-educational classes"?


Co-educational schools enable students to learn how to interact with members of the opposite gender, with whom they are going to live and work together later in life.


This sentence is really confusing.
You could try another approach: Coed classes discourage students to develop negative gender stereotypes.


This is a discussion essay, so in this paragraph, you should focus on segregate classes.

Writing Feedback / International events show peaceful things for people, distracts from problems [3]


You forgot to provide us with the questions of the prompt. Is it an argumentative or a discussion essay?


This is irrelevant to the topic.


making people relax


This could form a new sentence. However, I feel that this just repeats the idea in the previous sentence.


You can start another new sentence from "They". Again, I don't think this is related to the prompt.
Your introduction has only one lengthy sentence. You can improve it by writing shorter sentences, and trying to answer the questions given in the prompt directly.



This is not clear. The rules of the ancient Olympic Games only allowed men to compete and I don't think this is the reason why international tensions could be eased.


This is irrelevant to the prompt, too.

Writing Feedback / Employers reward members of staff for their contribution... [2]


These two sentences are not related to the prompt.


employment opportunities


This is quite confusing. Do you mean "owning the best company" or "keeping the best employees"?


a variety of


feel happier


for their efforts


contribute to their company


by creating,


by doing


they feel that their contributions are not recognized.


will lose

Writing Feedback / IELTS: men/women 'oriented' studies - equal numbers of male and female students [4]

I think you need to restructure your essay by following Dumi's suggestion:
Introduction: hook+ background of your topic + State your opinion/ position
Body para 1; First reason for your opinion/ position + Specific example to support that reason
Body para 2 ; Second reason + example
Conclusion ; Final statement about your position.
Also, you should include the full prompt of your essay!

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task2: Teacher's responsibility in Student Upbringing [4]


I feel that these sentences are quite not related directly to the topic. Also, the role of parents in raising their children is not mentioned in the prompt, so I don't think this is a topic of debate in this case.


While some people think that teachers should be solely responsible for teaching academic subjects, I firmly believe that they play an important role in guiding students' manners as well.


This sentence can be omitted. It adds no value to your paragraph.


social skills


You should focus on the role of teachers, rather than the influence of parents or friends.



I think this paragraph could be improved by mentioning how teachers teach students the right behaviour as these two sentences are just the reasons why parents can't take the responsibility alone.


In a discussion essay, the first body paragraph is to discuss the first view while the second view can be stated in the second body paragraph.

In an argumentative essay, you should give at least 2 reasons to support how you agree or disagree with the given opinion in the prompt. Each paragraph is to explain and support each reason.

Writing Feedback / Ielts. Problems and solution of ageing populations. [5]


people can live longer


human lifespan is prolonged



For instance, due to a significant disproportion in the population of Japan


I don't get your idea here.


This issue is not clearly mentioned in the first body paragraph.

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay-Modern children are suffering from the diseases like obesity. Causes&solutions [8]


it is high time that we worked


Unhealthy eating habits



12-year-old boy


does not have a chance to participate in extracurricular activities


homework


rarely allows him to relax


more time


checking



,


These two sentences have no subjects.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: more and more young people go oversea for further studies. Some people think it [4]


for youngsters. Those who choose to study abroad are sometimes not young at all, so I think you should use "people" or "students" instead.


can use foreign language in daily life


studying overseas.
Actually, I think assignments and presentations are a part of most universities' curriculum in every country, not only something only studying overseas has.


Regular use of foreign language


receive an advanced education


understanding of how to deal


This is confusing. What do you mean by "foreign events"?


studying alone in a foreign country


daily life




not different from

Writing Feedback / IELTS; buildings often reflected the culture of a society ! [4]


I don't think the similarity of building materials is the reason why modern buildings look alike.


The prompt asks for your opinion, so you had better state it clearly in the introduction. Also, in the second body paragraph, you just mentioned what other people may think about the issue. Instead, I think you should focus on your opinion whether the trend is positive or negative


In Dubai, buildings are constructed