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Posts by RAY93
Name: Rabiatul Adawiyah Yahya
Joined: Mar 14, 2016
Last Post: Mar 22, 2017
Threads: 35
Posts: 186  
Likes: 136
From: Indonesia
School: Flip Engliah, Kampung Inggris Pare

Displayed posts: 221 / page 4 of 6
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RAY93   
Sep 18, 2016
Writing Feedback / Go a head, make up new words (Erin McKean) - Summary from TED [3]

Who said being global society has to be strictly ...

who said that to be a part of global society means you have to strictly consider about words?
it is important to compose sentence that will be easily understand. it is essential for effective communication

... a person who compiles dictionaries. there [need comma, not fullstop] are two kinds (...) roles and mannerS .

Some groupS [singular/plural issue] of people waswere agreed that [need conjunction if there are more than one finite verb in a sentence] the communication has have only to be ...

... make new word in English namely: adopt it from other languages, without change the meaning of terminology, so just use it appropriately. --> it is said that there are 7 approaches, but only two mentioned. incomplete information, or you need to state that two of those are.....

Mean whilein addition, we ......
RAY93   
Sep 16, 2016
Writing Feedback / Too much, too young should schooling start at age [7]

at first, it is evident that there are too many misspelled words here. I hope that, somehow, it just mistakes on your typing and not problem when it comes to your hand writting

How old the children shoulD begin their education? Its answer can be disputed.

England stated that 4 years old is the answer with several other countries.

unclear sentence. you may want to say: England, just as several countries, stated that the appropriate time is by 4 years old

..., 130 early chilDhood education institutions disprove it

Thetthey also added that children must be nurtured within Pre-school .[kindergarten, nursery]

The UK minister of Education has still advocateD earlier formal teaching.
... and educational studies have identified that Eralyearl y Humans enabled to be

Developtment psychologists developments have pointed out inti t wo mental processes that underpin thisthe relationship between play and learning. First, most children that pretending a paper to pretend as a real ship.

Second, all sorts of pshycal activities, constructional and social play [need comma ] make children more aware...
RAY93   
Sep 15, 2016
Writing Feedback / TED Summary: The Art of Free-Stress Productivity by David Allen [2]

when productivity gets low and everything turns unstable. It is called crisis zone. =
new sentence = it is when productivity gets low and everything turns unstable which called crisis zone

such as financial and healthyhealth problems [pay attention in the using of healthy and health] or work stress. The crisisit [effectively use pronouns to avoid repetition] then leads us to be overreacted (...) we have not accomplished yet .

... people tend to blame time as if one day is never enough whenthen getting stress.....

Firstly, changing perspective in order to create ...

there is no finite verb here. Thus, it can't be named a sentence

It means we need flexibility not perfection and the ability to ...
=it means we need flexibility and ability to shift in and our focus briskly from a job to another, not perfection

Secondly, getting properly engaged with ...where is the main verb? . you can write: getting properly engaged with what is going on to notice what it takes is a need

taking an action to the path you really want by using the right map
RAY93   
Sep 15, 2016
Writing Feedback / Do a weekday vegetarian for a better life (TED Summary) [2]

Our behavior, eating meat, has caused many problems.

=our meat diet behavior has caused many problems.

Eating hamburger routinely [need to mention how many times a day that can be spesifically said as a routine]a day can escalate our ...

More than 10 billion animals isare slaughtered by our each year for meat ; each year as stock/to meet the demand

trywe can imagine how if they are our pets...

Meat production , unbelievably, has releaseD more emissions than all (...), buses, cars, all of itetc . . Andat the same time/besides , production of beef needS 100 times water thatthan most vegetables do.

... meats are the vast culprits in issues of environmental damage and health. = .... are the vast culprits in environmental and health issues

Graham Hill, the founder of TreeHugger.com and LifeEdited, has inviteD us to do a weekday vegetarian ...

We only do not eat meat on weekdays = we only need to avoid eating meat on weekdays, Monday through Friday...
If this is doneprevailed , we are confident that we aregoing to lessening waste, we will feel more preferable about animals, weand cut back on spending.
RAY93   
Sep 15, 2016
Writing Feedback / Summary: What's wrong with our food system? [4]

... what is wrong with people's fooddiet system.
To begin with, kids are easily ledpersuade to believe in all the marketing and (...), at public schools [need comma here to clearly distinct those places are completely different] and pretty much everywhere else.

... packaging and plastic toys gift, whereasalthough they do not know the origin [ingredients might be more appropriate to use] of the food.
This has genetically engineered seeds and organisms.
... manipulated in a laboratory to do something not intended by naturegrow synthetically/artificially.
... and other problems in lab animals, andwhile in fact people have been eating ...
On the other hand,however , many farmers still use natural system of farmingplanting [since you already wrote farmer ].
RAY93   
Sep 15, 2016
Writing Feedback / Your health depends on where you live - from the TED summary [3]

At the beginning of the talks, = talk , Bill Davenhall, (...) Services Expert [need comma. an additional explanation about someone need to write between commas. this what we called 'appositive'] talked about his experience in a hospital in an intensive... = this is good but you may need to revise it to make it effective. you can write: in an intensive-care ward of a hospital due to heart attack

And sharing about formula for life and good health

incomplete and confusing sentence. there is no finite verb here.

... factor which people doesn't realize that hashaving potential risk.
... vehicles in the big city that produces [singular/plural issue ] a lot of toxic in ...

Moreover, for people who work in oil company ...

confusing sentence again. you may need to write: it becomes worsen for those who work in oil company

It is produceS an extremely toxic material/substance , such as methane gas.
RAY93   
Sep 14, 2016
Writing Feedback / Most Violent Crimes Are Wrongly Linked to Mental Illness - Summary article [3]

Many news talks[singular/plural issue] about person who has mental health problem wasthat responsible tofor committing violence.

However, the fact that most people with mental illness are never violent. = in fact, most mental illness sufferers are unable to commit it.

... and Human Services (HHS), peoplethose with mental disorder are more than 10 times more likely to be victims of violentaggressive [avoid repetition ] crimes than general people.

... of Public Health also publishEDan articles [singular/plural issue ] about mental illness ...

which states that mental illness and violence toward other people close to 40% said ... = confusing sentence

it is good that you attempted to compose complex structure although you still need to learn how to make it appropriately.

So these caseSisARE still makea controversy between the study author and the researcher.many studies

pay attention in some minor errors particularly grammatical errors
RAY93   
Sep 14, 2016
Writing Feedback / We must be able to listen to the signal of body, because it is better than any doctors. [3]

Lissa Rankin, founder of (...) and mental illness, comes up [past simple is suggested since this event had fully ended] in front of her (...) insight regarding to what really matters to ...

As an opening, she begins by sharing what she ...
In the age of 33, she has achieved [present perfect since it may still affect her life til now] all her dreams in career, even hadhas enough retirement fund ...

In contrary with her brightgreat/rewarding/decent/ good. etc job, her marriage ended miserably.
Surprisinglyin addition , at the same time, (...) and high blood pressure withwhich need three medications, but ...

... then Lissa researcheshas researched a lot about the indicators of health and formulateshas formulated a self-healing concept ...

read through your writing, i can conclude that you have a capability on composing sentences well. it is also good that you use a variety of simple and complex structures. However, you still need to concern about the appropriate tenses to use in regard with the meaning and time of the event. some mirrors error like using of pronunciation and adequate collocation of words. keep writing
RAY93   
Sep 14, 2016
Writing Feedback / Summary: More Young Americans Live with Parents Than With Lovers [4]

... many young people prefer livingto live with their immediate family. According tothe recent research of the Pew (...) one or both parents, compared towhile 31.6% living with a spouse ...

The result of an increase in young Americans livingthe increasing number of those who live with their parents reached ...
In 1960, the portionpercentage of young persons (...) peaked at 62% but at the same year the share ...
Interestingly, the figure of Living with mom and dad has increased more every year.

... research of the Pew Research Center in 2014, .... reached a peak at 35% in 1940. In 1960,

there are three years mentioned here, but it is unclear is it from the same research or it is a comparison to the preceding research.

at all, you still need to concern on your sentence completion and the flow of your writing.
RAY93   
Sep 13, 2016
Writing Feedback / "Big Families May Be The Best Way to Avoid Divorce" [5]

having Happy family is (...), especially for peoplethose who are getting marriagehave married and have a big family. Buthowever , it is not easy as we know.

... and finally their getting divorce inat the end of time .
..., such as socioeconomic status and age atof marriage.
...There are many factors that play intotrigger divorce, scientists ...
On the other hand, a researched by Doug Downey, (...), saids growing up in a family with siblings, we will develop a set ...

you need to concern on your sentence structure, in the beginning you tend to compose simple sentences but made the complex ones which are less accurate at the end.
RAY93   
Sep 13, 2016
Writing Feedback / Summary for TED "A warm embrace that saver live" (Jane Chen) [2]

Twenty millions of babies are suffering as premature [or just directly write, ..... are premature], intolerant temperature ...
The baby can't [avoid to write like this, you need to write 'cannot' indeed ] constantly regulate the ...
There are several critical diseases that [need a conjunction to put two finite verbs in a sentence ] can be make them (...) low intelligence and even die . [die is disease? ]

... premature baby is incubators and but those are not accessible for in rural area such as developmentalin developing country. In 2010, Jane and her team hadhave technologically advanced (...) exactly cheap (less than $ 20) incubator than common incubato r one used for ...

... it seemslooks like simple small sleeping bag. The sleeping bagithas sophisticatingmade by sophisticated material like a wax-like substances [singular/plural issue ] simply using hot mater and then the melting temperature will be constantly stabled to 37 degree Celsius.

*you still need to concern on your sentence structure, use of article, singular/plural issue, use of pronoun, and how to reduce repetitive using of certain word
RAY93   
Sep 13, 2016
Writing Feedback / Summary TED: Parenting In Modern World [2]

We are prosperous living in this prevalent world. Most sophisticated technology are created. They make our life easier and entertaining

you tend to compose very simple sentences. You need to vary your writing skill at least by mixing simple and complex structure. you may write like this, for example:

we are prosperous living in this prevalent world where most sophisticated technology are created. [simply using conjunction can alleviate your sentence]

They make our life easier and entertaining. On the other hand, if thisthese[refer to 'they' in the previous sentence except you mention 'this kind of technology'. subject+verb agreement issue ] technologIES is related to parenting which is known as the most mysteriuos task in a world, it will be complicated.

now, in this sentence, you attempted to use complex structure but it less accurate. you may write: on the other hand, it will be complicated if these technologies are related to parenting which is known as the most mysterious task in the world

There are some wayS [singular/plural issue] which are suggested.
... activities, such as family meal time or brushing teeth time . How regular do we need to have this moment in a day?

Based on this essay, [essay or TED?] there are two top tasks ...
In contrast with these, there are three worst things that ...
RAY93   
Sep 9, 2016
Writing Feedback / Learner's interest and enjoyment should be the ultimate factors while enrolling to further education [3]

firstly, i want to say that you clearly have a wide range of vocabularies showed by your less common word chosen. However, you need to concern whether it is appropriate or not on that using. besides, what makes an essay great is also about its informative and understandable values, you tend to make complicated sentences.

There is AN ever demanding observable fact ... It is often agreed this is a positive development [two finite verbs that need a conjunction] while others oppose and refers it will lead to adverse ramifications [sentence completion issue. you tend to over use complex structures in inappropriate ways].

... enjoyment should be the ultimate factors whileon enrolling to further education collegehigher education rather accomplishment.

... should be the vocal point to enroll in the third level of education program, some still feels [plural/singular issue ] that student should ...
... listening to their hearts to learnon learning something with ecstasy, ...

i do only focus on your introduction and conclusion to conclude that there are some minor errors that you need to concern. However, i think you have shown a high proficiency on writing, so it is a pleasure to try to give feedback on yours. keep writing and keep uploading your work here. Thank you
RAY93   
Sep 6, 2016
Writing Feedback / Ielts Writing Task 2. Some people believe children are given too much free time. feel this time.. [2]

As we all know children are the future [...] I will further explain in my essay.

it is good that you composed your introduction into a succinct paragraph. However,i could not get the the bridge from the question background to your statement. the flow is poor. there are some key feature from the question that you explained inadequately, like children' free time, school. another time, you need to focus more on the question and analyse it before arrange your sentencs. it is important to avoid giving essay which is not fulfill the the task response

Childhood is the vital period for children to develop their mental and physical strength. At this time [need comma]childrendevelop their mind andwhile playing sports is the best ...

... keep them indulge in only school activity [you need to explain more what kind of activity do you mean can make children become dull. in fact, there are some sports activities too in school, so you did not give a strong or convincing argument on this] then there are possibilities ...

To illustrate, in a recent survey of famous newspaper it is observedclaimed that ratio ofchildren who participate more in sports are more creative than those who do not [subject on this sentence is 'ratio''not the children. from your sentence, readers will get that it is the ratio that more creative].

Children become tired due to ...
This is because, most children

... are equally important for the children as far as ...

you need to concern on several issue as repetition, punctuation, using of pronoun, and conjunction. also pay attention on your subject+ verb agreement.

overall, i find that you actually you already wrote this essay well despite of some errors and suggestion that i give. good luck and keep writing. hope this help
RAY93   
Sep 4, 2016
Writing Feedback / Business have to prioritize their employees rather than their financial objectives [2]

... many companies prioritizing to yield profits and stick with it in order to have much incomes [you may state that the do that in order to keep success in market since ''to have much income'' is sharing the same sense with to gain profit]. They only think about the way [...]

your introduction has shown a quite well structured introductory paragraph. good job

First and foremost, when a company start up their business, they must ...

despite of your nice introduction, i find that your body essay is less correlated with the prompt. you need to counter first why company should not only focus on earn money or give illustration of this situation while deliver its drawback. you may need to concern on this if you want to make this essay powerful

Moreover, organisations have to treat ...

on this paragraph, you need to emphasize what the reason why company should treat their work forces well and giving strong explanation about the disadvantages that companies need to face if ignore it.

here are some suggestions in your third paragraph:
... used when the employees sick,for each worker. Company also can give money to employeethose who do overtime work.work overtime .
... their workers to work over the time but they do not givewithout giving extra money.salary. This condition can make them easy to get sick vulnerable to illness and finally theypossibly resign then from the organisation.

To conclude, I think that a company have to prioritize their employees ...

after composing introduction and body paragraphs, you only need to concern on making a firm and convincing conclusion. you may do this by restating the topic and your main ideas than giving suggestions if you want despite than only write a sentence. be careful to not delivering new ideas that never state before in essay to your conclusion
RAY93   
Sep 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / The correlation between happiness and marriage status in the US [4]

... it shows the level of happiness on married people based on the children they have.whether or not they have children

*although your introductory paragraph is quite short, you already introduced both charts and gave an overall for both.

*despite of some repetitive words, you are well arranged your essay task 1, use varied style of sentence and use comparison language. Good job. somehow, you have shown your improvement on composing your essay.
RAY93   
Sep 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / Both of married and unmarried groups were divided into four age categories to check their happiness [2]

The charts reveal the percentage of happiness rating[redundancy] for married and unmarried peopleAmericans[don't forget to mention all the key points of the question] .

Overall init can be seen that married people[need to vary your words/phrases to reduce repetition] was more success to ...

*overall, i find that your introduction is quite well-structured except that you did not mention about the second chart purpose on your first sentence

As seen, compared to the bracket of unmarried group , the figure of married group showed more success ...

The most significant fact to emerge onthe second chart was ...

*despite of some important corrections that you need to concern, i find that you have shown marked progress on your writing. Good job
RAY93   
Sep 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / The happiness level of US inhabitants between those who are married and those single ones. [2]

... between those who have marriage and ones do not have . It also showS how having children ...
[it is good that you composed your introductory paragraph by using your own words or quite different style with the question]
... than single ones whereas the percentage of having children did not give significant effect for both married and unmarried people.[you need to scrutinize more the chart and question to avoid giving false information. the second chart reveals information about how the happiness level of married Americans whether or not they are having children]

Wedded people aged 18-20-year-old waswere the happiest group in this survey in 45%.It obtained about 45 per cent happiness ratings. In the following position were couples in the middle age who made for 44 per cent. However, those aged 50-64 year-old enjoyedwere on the lowest level ...

... a considerable difference of enjoyment[you need to be careful on pharaprasing key feature of the question so that you will not change the meaning] levels compared ...

... including people aged 18-64-year-old that had a similar level of ...
Nevertheless, the elderly who (...) of happiness for unmarriedthis categories.
Those breeding children under 18 years old ...
RAY93   
Aug 31, 2016
Writing Feedback / SUMMARY TASK 8 - WHY ARE WOMEN LEAVING SCIENCE CAREERS ? [6]

But[you need to avoid starting paragraph by using for, and, but, yet, so. etc] most of them havechosechosen to leave their careers byon their mid-forties. The result ofAN academic research declared (...) giving up on their careers behind , after struggling to achieve. As scientists, time is one of some important matterS that ...

On the other hand [need comma ] as women, taking care to theof family, growing the children and educateing them is also (...) responsibilities of a mother's job[redundancy= responsibilities and job].

... even if actually they do not wishwant it.
... reinforce the women to not to go further the research.
RAY93   
Aug 31, 2016
Writing Feedback / Beneficial relaxation. Learning vacation is a new kind of holiday [5]

It prefersmeans/aims to spend the time by learning ...
... enjoy a broad type of the travel such as join a prehistorical obeservation , study a biodiversity [concern on countable or uncountable kind of noun] in the rain forest. Although at first the learning vacation was popular (...) = Altough S+V, S+VNowdays , it has been ...

... acquire the guidance of the specialist. Britain also acceptS the adult travelers to join a few days course ...
The upside of the this vacation is that it is more economical thantradisionalvacationone because the travelers can arrange ...
There are many posibilities of learning vacation, so you can choose appropiate with your wish.

*pay attention on the using of article
*misspelling issue

RAY93   
Aug 31, 2016
Writing Feedback / How a wind turbine will be built and where it is located [4]

... consists of a steel tower, a blade , a wind sensor ...
Those are connected to A computer system. Wind plants are established in beaches. = despite of this sentence which gives incomplete and less proper information [you should just introduce about potential places to plant that turbine], you already gave a well introduction.

Wind turbine is designed to generated energy from wind.
... by wind sensor in order to measure wind speed and direction[direction is not something to measure. Thus, you better say = to measure wind speed and alter the direction or angle] .

... generator produces 1.5 megawattof electricity.

The wind plants can be built in to areas closed to coast.
The location should be free where the landscape will not spoil the wind turbine = incorrect information. a good location which is in the sea is good since it will not spoil the landscape.

despite of some suggestions which i give in your writing, i find that you did a quite good job here. keep writing
RAY93   
Aug 31, 2016
Writing Feedback / A wind turbine consist of tower, generator, wind sensor, and blades controlled by a computer. [5]

A wind turbine consistS of A tower, A generator, A wind sensor, and blades ...
The best locations for the wind turbine is ... = there are three potential locations while the best site is on a hillside in which it can generate 1.5 mw powers. if it comes those who give less impact to environment, the best location is in the sea

It can be below sea level,[below sea level means it is planted under the sea surface. you can simply say in the sea/seashore/or shallow waters] on the highland and inon domestic area.

*concern about the using of in and on

1,5[be careful on the writing of punctuation on number] megawatts of electricity.

, there is blades[singular/plural issue] which made of fiberglass or wood and rotate when the wind comes then produce the electricity. = when wind comes to rotate it in order to produce electricity

despite of some minor errors and alternative sentence that i suggest, i find that you clearly describe those diagrams which make your essay is quite easy yo comprehend. keep writing
RAY93   
Aug 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / School and parent, two important things that influence character of children [5]

Being kind and good[redundancy, both words deliver same meaning]citizen of societyshould be taughtsince children age. [too general, and possibly confused ]

How if you say: to be such a decent citizen should be taught to children since the very early years.

Some people believe that IT is theparent'sparents' responsibility while others...
In my view, these environments, school and family equally have an important role to build their children's character.[it is inappropriate to mentioning 'their children' where ''their'' refers to school and parents. it sounds that school is having children]thus, you can simply erase 'their''

It is essential to formshape/develop a good personality for ...
... action to avoid the bad influences[ what kind of influences?] happened to children.
Therefore, both school and family give ...

it is good that you deliver an explanation why you think school and parents are having equal responsibility, means that you compose your essay straightly according to your opinion in introduction

So, what can parent and school do to build a good character for their children?[instead of write a question, you can simply write : there are some viable strategies which can be carried out by parents and school to shape character of children]. First, the parentS have to be a good role (...) and friendly, also being helpful to others. Family is the first place to learn something.

Headmaster can also make some regulations to support their character building such as ...[how these good habits affect children to be a good member of society? ]it is suddenly hard to follow your idea here .

dear
,i found that you have such a bold idea in your essay. however, please concern about some comments that i give to you here. keep writing
RAY93   
Aug 23, 2016
Writing Feedback / Tourism brings negative effects on local cultures like moral degradation and ecosystem destruction [4]

In the recent era, tourism has become ...
you composed a good introduction. However, to make it more superb, add your main ideas related to solutions or things to reduce those harmful effect.

When foreign people visit some places [need comma] they might faceinvolve in cultural interaction. It should can demolish the local ...

Another problem is that tourism in many new tourist destinationS[singular/plural issue] destroy local /environment.
they leave the place without savingproperly throw/remove/collect out their rubbish.
For example, there are serious environmentAL problems in Komodo Island, Indonesia.

i find that your essay, particularly your writing skill, is good enough to read and understand. keep writing... i am waiting for your other great essays
RAY93   
Aug 23, 2016
Writing Feedback / There's a statement that tourism gives negative impacts in their country's destination [3]

for the second time, your essay is not consist of at least 250 words. there are only 217 words here.

In the present time, travelling in around the world is a good choice for the[the using of 'most'here is not for superlative form, but as a determiner to mention/speak about something in general. Thus, no need to use article 'the] most people. But, there IS a statement that tourism gives negative impacts inONtheir country's the destination countries. I think there ARE some reasonS why this statement is true, especially in ON culture change and environmentAL problem.

*pay attention in the singular/plural issue and the forming of nominal sentences.

The negative effect for of culture change is cultural acculturation. The touristS who travel in (...) original behavior into their country's destination that influences ...

For example ethnic group in Kajang, South Sulawesi.[for example and for instance need to follow by subject+verb]on the timeBefore international touristS came have not come yet, (...) of ethnic which is are White Kajang and Black Kajang. But Nowadays, White Kajang has been not existed anymore, because ofculture acculturation. It happenS because the original culture from international touristS has influenced and changed the local culture in of White Kajang inhabitants that change local behavior directly.

Not only about cultural change, but ALSOthe tourism has influenced environmental changewhich is influenced by tourismwhowhere people travel to. Foor example, the touristS think if they do not have responsibility to protect the environment.

Finally, tourism places have been become dirty area.

... been brought negative impactS in their destination such as ...
... original culture and environment whowhere they travel to

you should write a paragraph that explain about measurement to reduce the harmful effect of tourism instead of only write it down on conclusion
RAY93   
Aug 20, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 Talent show : Best way to find Talented People Or Just Entertainment? [4]

Many people enjoyto watching talent shows and that is the reason why it has becomes more popular right now.
... talent shows can entertain many communities[use the appropriate word to paraphrase 'people' based on the meaning you want to deliver] but actually thatit is the best way to look for talented people.


i find that your introductory paragraph is clear while it really answered the essay question. good job. However, it is better to switch the position of your first and second body paragraph. to compose it as a strong argumentative paragraph, the paragraph where you explain that talent show is more likely as a right way to hire talented people should be stand out as an objection of idea that it is only for entertainment, so it should be the third paragraph.

... come from a talent program like one direction, little mix[concern about capitalization issue] and others. They were athe winner from X-factors (...) famous in a worldwide scale .Talent show[need to use another phrase to boost your lexical resource] also give many artists a ...

People need to work hard and have A great ability to ...
Withby/from talent program [need comma] people can show ...

... people think that talent show is only entertainmentshow to get much profit [vary your writing style to avoid repetition. you can write : talent show is only for entertainment for instance] . They also think it is onlya make up stories[singular/plural issue]thenwhile company will exaggerate the ...

... from selling tickets at the concert while it also get high rat ting.

... used by many companies to get much income[for entertainment] .
RAY93   
Aug 20, 2016
Writing Feedback / The talent show is one of shows that get many enthusiasm of spectators. [3]

Television programs in this day have become more varied.
... but in my view, talent shows has most influenced by the ability of contestant.

based on the question, you should write that this show is ''a good method finding talented people'' as the objection of what you said before ''are just entertainment''. scrutiny the question so that you can write a powerful essay as the answer which fully fulfill the task response

you should write whether talent show is just only for entertainment or it is a good way for hiring ordinary people which have natural talent to shot their fame

... know the way they to treat the viewers. It should be a gratifying performance. The TV program has to interest,have to be interesting so that the spectators will enjoy the exhibition.

... adhere viewer to wait for the next show.

attempt to compose a complex sentence rather than simple ones

... perform in the TV contest areis[subject+verb agreement issue] essential too.
... be perfect and be impressionan impressive event when the ...
Singing competition, for example, must be full of gifted participant. The spectacular voice is indispensable. So the spectator will be mesmerized.three super simple sentences TV contest will be waitedare going to be wait by the onlookers until the end of the programit[try to use pronoun] . The curious feeling about the winner of the contest is the reason.

In other hands , not only entertainment event with full of blessed performances is determinerwhich determineof the successful of programs but also the present time of show is taking effect. The television talented program?? must concern to know the best timeof airing so that the viewertowill enjoy the show.

In conclusion, I think television show; especially about the talented contest ...[the question is not what affects talent show]
RAY93   
Aug 13, 2016
Writing Feedback / SUMMARY ARTICLE : POKEMON GO! AN AUGMENTED REALITY NEED A CODE OF ETHICS NOW! [2]

Pokemon Go is like a bomb. It spreads easily arround[spelling]the world, not only children but[not only+but also] older people enjoy playing Pokemon Go.

Although there are some reverse comment : Pokemon Go is not triumph of the normalization of violence, the apotheosis of cellphone zombification, or even gamification gone awry,

these words are identically same with those in the article. please bear in your mind that summarizing means that you rewrite and abridge the main points from article by using your own word.

concern about the purpose of summarizing and the technique to do it!

Katherine [need more information who Katherine is in the form of appositive]thought[use present simple to express what someone feels or thinks] that Pokemon Go happens in peace.

But, insightful question came out about ethics in this new era of augmented reality games. = of augmented reality games in this new era

and ilustrating gameplay[spelling]into it.
The physical character of Pokémon Go can compress harrassment that ever happen when we play different game.
RAY93   
Aug 12, 2016
Writing Feedback / 5 sleep disorders you didn't know exited [7]

here i give suggestion by revising your sentences
please concern about subject+verb agreement and how to compose a good sentence that understandable for reader


start from the title: 5 sleep disorders you didn't know exiteddo/does/did should meet bare infinitive(verb 1)

The article highlights information related to 5 uncommon sleep disorders [need a conjuction here since you wrote two verbs].
Shouted, and woken up and unable to move, for instance, are ... = shouted, woken up, and unable to move, for instance, are a few symptoms that people usually deal with during sleep.

There are 5 causeS of slept disorder that people are supposed to recognize.
First][need comma] is sleep apnoea which suddenly ... = at the first/for the first/firstly/first of all, sleep apnoea as a condition in which people suddenly can't breath for 10 seconds is the primary symptom

The second cause is sleep paralysis which perform the body unexpected ... = the second cause is sleep paralysis when the body unexpectedly being paralyze during REM while this condition persists even in conscious state of people

Sleep deprivation, some drugs, and sleep apnoea are the severe causeS of sleep paralysis to become exacerbating. = sleep deprivation, drugs, and sleep apnoea are the severe causes which are exacerbating sleep paralysis

... indicated by jumping, twitching and often accompany [accompanies] by the sensation of falling.
People actundergo/encounter this phenomenon only in their nightmare.

Lastly, exploding head syndrome, people regard this condition ... = exploding head syndrome which is regarded as harmless condition by people while they have no idea toward its cause

It IS indicated by sensation of noise and ...
RAY93   
Aug 11, 2016
Writing Feedback / Summary TED The reasons companies fail-and how to avoid them [3]

Every company needs to grow so the owner ignores for not getting any profit.
There is [need article] a real solution to make superiority growth of business. = a superiority of business growth/ a superior growthof business

Both of them, would discuss to be clearly.

you are writing summary that means you are trying to rewrite the important facts/main ideas of this article, so you do not need to give a bridge into your writing. focusing your work on presenting a powerful summary using paraphrased sentence which does not alter the article meaning/information

Actually, the important is the balance between two activities, they are exploration and exploitation. = actually, the most important thing is the balance between two activities, exploration and exploitation/ the most important thing is the balance between the exploration and exploitation activity

substantially, it needs at least a subject, verb and object in a sentence. when you write two or more verb you need to use conjunction. make a short but valuable sentence by losing unimportant redundancy or word

Firstly, exploration is about what is going on or what is new. Today-what is the new products[singular/plural issue] and what is the new innovations for changing future.

We knew about people who had [need article AN] exploration, such as Neil Armstrong, Hillary.and Hillary [need comma] But we have to know if the exploration would make riskybe risky/make some risks.

Secondly, that is about exploitation-opposite with the first reason. =which is the opposite of the first reason

Exploitation is taking for high information, facts, and data. At least, t hat is better for making good products faster than yet.
Unfortunately, the big impact of exploitation is about risky the risk would happen pose in [need article] long term than exploration, [no comma needed ]because firms exploit only.

In conclusion, howeve r the corporation should balance with exploration and exploitation, [no need comma] even though this is hard to implementation be implemented on work.
RAY93   
Aug 11, 2016
Writing Feedback / Orangutan learns to mimic human conversation for the first time [5]

Adriano Lameria, from the University of Durham, UK and his team found that orangutans are able to emulate sound from human conversation.

you should write:Adriano Lameria from the University of Durham, UK, and his team found that .......
please concern about the appropriate using of punctuation for forming appositive

An ape ,'Rocky' [need comma] who was studied [or was researched] at Indianapolis Zoo in US, between April and May 2012,[no need to put in the midst of commas]have[plural/singular issue, it supposedly 'has'] produced sounds similar to words in a "conversational context".

... 120 orangutans from 15 wild and captive pupulations.spelling The procedure of that experiment are[singular/plural issue] by conducted a game where the ape ...
Then, the reaserchersspelling compared the collected sounds.
RAY93   
Aug 11, 2016
Writing Feedback / Summery article of "Superfood doesn't mean anything, so let's stop using it" [4]

Hi @hikuma21 , welcome to EssayForum. Here i hope that i can give a valuable feedback to help you improve your summary.

People,[no need comma, concern more on the appropriate using of punctuation] nowadays are easily to believe[you can simply write ' people nowadays easily believe'] the promise offers [which is offered] by the superfoods related to get health[healthiness] and longevity.

The superfoods may take attentions of public an otherwise poor diet and inactive lifestyle when those contain a magical elixir of life. It will easily to be sold.

[this exactly the same sentence of the article. On summarizing, you should rewrite and provide the main ideas/important facts/interesting data from the article on an informative way by using your own words]

One of the superfood[Superfood is a term so need to be capitalize, written within apostrophe, or in italic] examples is Chia seed.

i do not check more your summary. i realize you are still having problem in paraphrasing and summarizing article, but i hope next you will be able to do better by learning hardly. i'm waiting for your super summaries.
RAY93   
May 14, 2016
Writing Feedback / The number of visits to two new music sites on the web [3]

Hi, Ilmi. it is a great chance for me to try to assist your writing. here some my suggestions:

strength:
using of transitional expressing eases the reading flow
coherence sentences

weaknees:
less advanced vocabulary
low lexical resource
grammatical errors

The line charts present the number of visitations on two different music websites during fifteen days, a half-month period -->redundancy (measured in thousands). Overall, despite some fluctuation, over the period as a whole the levels of visits increase in both of sites. --> need a subject+verb ( dependent clause) due to 'as' as the coordinating conjunctionincomplete complex sentence . However, Pop Parade show more occasions --> what kind of occasion? unclear statement throughout the period.

In the first day, the visitations on Pop Parade site begin --> even there is no time cue helped on deciding the proper tenses, in a 15-days period, the first day is completely a pastin 120 and fall gradually. While the number hit a low of 30 over a week, it experienceS -->subject verb agreement a significant growth at ...

Turning to Music Choice, 40 of surfing occasions on the website rise to 60 in the following three days. Afterwards, the number depictS a fluctuation during the fourth to ...

thanks. keep writing
RAY93   
Apr 10, 2016
Writing Feedback / The Lack of local people visitors to museum [2]

Hi, Bastian20. here my comments and suggestion for your essay. keep writing dude.

at first, i'll say that based on the question, besides write about the reason why local people doesn't seem interest with museums and historical sites, you need to also explain why tourist are then visit it in massive number than local people.

1st paragraph:

is since those often find the artificial equipment which is provided by museums. For example, traditional weapon and conventional dress, local people still utilize them at the moment.

i get what you meant, but your sentence is quite hard to follow, may be better if you revise the flow, like this: ...is since they still utilize the equipment , for example traditional weapon and conventional dress, which is exhibited artificially on museums.

2nd paragraph:

Those can give discount in cost entrance for local society.

in introduction, however, you mentioned the measure is :

should overcome this problem by applying attractive advertising.

by this, i found that what you state in introduction is different with what you explain at your paragraph. you need to strict to it as if you give new idea, it might be revealed unclear information. readers may wonder what is the correlation between those statement.
RAY93   
Apr 8, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2. The scarcity issue of natural resources experience significant increasing year by year [2]

Hi, Nelarizka. your writing is easy to read and follow. you delivered it briefly and clearly. However, i found that you tend to always use simple sentence form, it will be great if you enhance your writing style by writing complex sentences. besides that, its better if you can address and present both your agreement and disagreement regarding to the issue while emphasize your supportive argument. here my additional comments and suggestion which i sincerely hope can help to enhance your essay.

encourages manysides people/societies etc including scientists

renewable energy sources isfound requiring a lot of money

redundancy

gas are contributing of TO global warming.
In addition, the carbon dioxide emissions from vehicles that use these kinds of fuels acceleratethe extreme climate change [climate change is a natural phenomenon, what the negative one is extreme climate change ] and deliverexert/create/enhance/increase/maximize/highlight/address bad impacts to the environment.

It causes the a possibility of the lack of energy provision for the next generation.
... we can use the eco- energy as the alternative. The provision supply of eco-energy is predicted will be -->double verb without conjunction long lasting since it from the natural power resource such as wind, wave ...

Therefore, use of eco- energy can meet the humans' ...

To sum up, the alteration of energy using from fossil fuels to renewable energy will be a better solution to meet the humans' high future necessitydemand, need and standard are the prover noun to match with 'meet' in this context. Measurement should be conductedimplemented/imposed/introduced/taken/enacted to improve and developsupport/encourage/promote/stimulate the further research regarding this renewable energy.
RAY93   
Apr 7, 2016
Writing Feedback / CCTV, security cameras, etc. Public surveillance criticism- the advantages outweigh the disadvantage [3]

Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, through cell phone tracking and security cameras). In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening.

Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

Advanced technology's products have played pivotal role in 21st century life, including in the public surveillance which aimed to monitor societies' activities. Even this issue is no longer the top secret of government and intelligence agency as people realize the vast development of informational technology, many of them are still unaware that they are under strict supervision. By a great access to keep the peacefulness and security within the country, I believe that the advantages of this recent utilize of technology outweigh the fact that the privacy is a rare thing to maintain.

Obviously, an official surveillance conducted by government restricts the freedom of citizen resulting on lack of privacy. All citizen's behaves in public area are recorded by security cameras and, desperately, as well as their communication through mobile phone even its private conversation and messaging. Another thing is that so easy to locate people by cell phone tracking. An American cyber-crime specialist at TED Talks video revealed that most of technology companies have assisted government by open-encrypted people activities and communication with a system installed in almost all mobile phones. He added that this even more dangerous than hijacking since people have no longer their privacy even it is a fundamental right of human. Nevertheless, this has been a controversial issue whether or not important to keep our privacy and against the state but I personally believe that this development is considerably beneficial for human life.

It has been proved that the using of CCTV and cell phone tracking and recording brings a pleasure as it establish the peacefulness of life nowadays. The crime rate in majority of countries could be decreased thanks to security cameras which help police to arrest the offenders and maintain the security by avoiding crime through surveillance toward all the public facilities and areas. Another advantage is the easiness to track crime agents which are harder in the past. By cell phone tracking, it is easy to collect evidence and detain people who commit crime. In Indonesia, a huge number of corruptors and those who perpetrate tax avoidance are jailed based on the evidence and their activity which supervised by police officer. This method is reliable and proves that this cutting-edge device would bring peace and hold the jurisdiction of country.

All in all, I believe that the merits of public surveillance by sophisticated technological device are greater than the demerit.
RAY93   
Apr 7, 2016
Writing Feedback / Today, inevitably the number of people committing crime is rising. What could be done to stop it? [3]

Hi, lita27. nice writing, here my comments and suggestion which i focused on your first two paragraph. keep writing

Today, inevitably the number of people people committing crime is risingbetter to use present perfect since the question mention 'each year'

nice introduction with broaden lexical resource

Offences could be caused by several precursors
'offence' mean hurt feelings can use verb 'cause' but since 'offense' here mean illegal act, so the proper verbs are commit and constitute. here i suggest the sentence:

offences could be commited/constituted based on several precursors
The first and foremost is some people in the parts of the community have lowpoor education.

their life are occupied withas unemployment.
their basic needs to survive life .
they are highly most/much likely to break the rule.
RAY93   
Apr 6, 2016
Writing Feedback / The total of movies rented and sold in diverse formats each year between 2002 and 2011 [2]

The total of movies rented and sold in diverse formats each year over a period in a selected store is illustrated by the chart. Overall, the main fact that stands out is the number of rentals which considerably decreased during a decade started in 2002. Meanwhile, during 8 years, the figure of DVD is dominated the annual number of movie selling while other several formats were only existed in a few years.

Turning to a detailed analysis of movies' rentals, it was stood up at above 180,000 in 2002 as much more popular activity than buy the VHS and DVD. However, to the end of period, it continuously declined and stated at just around 50,000 in 2011, almost thrice times lower than at beginning. The same trend showed by the figure of VHS sales which decreased although this format just available for purchasing in the first four years.

On the other hand, the selling of films in DVD format remained high while it inclined each year from 2002 to 2007, it also leveled as the highest selling at more than 200,000 discs in 2007. Unfortunately, this number just then decreased slightly in the subsequent years. Blu-ray movies were available recently in 2007 when it selling was just at a very small number. It steadily rose in the next 4 years period but still in a minor number with no more than 20,000.
RAY93   
Apr 6, 2016
Writing Feedback / Excessive shopping leads to debt - causes and solutions. [3]

Some people get into debt by buying things they don't need and can't afford. What are the reasons for this behaviour?
What action can be taken to prevent people from having this problem?


To shop or purchase goods is a pleasure activity for majority of people. Unfortunately, in some cases, consumers end up to buy items that they actually don't need and even don't affordable for them then lead to financial crisis and debt. I believe that the consumptive life styles as well as easiness offer to buy by e-commerce trends are the main reasons for this phenomenon. However, a well-managed finance introduced to society and advanced standard for credit card holder would plausibly help people to avoid this issue.

In this modern era, it is a generally accepted that societies, particularly those who live in urban area, are suffering from consumptive and hedonism way of life. They tend to shop easily and often without consider the purpose and the cost of products they taken. It doesn't even problem since they can transact without cash money as most of them having credit card. Of course in this scenario, advertisement also plays an important role to persuade them purchasing goods whether or not is essential and affordable for them. In addition, e-commerce, or online shopping also a predominant factor of people behaviour to extravagantly shopping because it is offer easiness for buyers to pick items from list on the fascinating online shops then order and just wait until it delivers to their accommodation with no need for them to leave their activities or business. This obviously helpful for them who have not enough time to directly go to retails but have desires to purchase. As the consequence, as easy to buy things as less concern they are about the payment which then arise trouble when they chained by a great debt.

Nevertheless, I would argue that if citizens get information and education about finance management they would carefully arrange their budget on unnecessary shopping. Thus better if they take the assistance from finance adviser or firm so that they can step by step reduce their consumptive behaviour. Another important to concern is the using of credit card. As now most people use this as their main payment method, bank should strict the regulation and standard to their client so that those who utilize it are surely those who have a stable finance and able to pay the bills. By this, excessive purchasing of users would no longer a problem as they can afford the credit payment.

In sum, I believe that the trend of online shopping and consumptive lifestyle as the reason why people tend to buy goods that are unnecessary and unaffordable for them. However, good finance managing and restriction on credit card using are possible as the measures to tackle this.
RAY93   
Apr 6, 2016
Writing Feedback / The cause of lack of information for children at school ( TASK 2) [3]

hi. bastian. here my suggestions and comments which i focused on your first two paragraph. keep writing. thanks

pay attention of the form of word (adjective, noun,or adverb)
concern about the using of proper word

Nowadays, fully concentration concentrated in attending the class is extremely AN arduous TASK for many students. There are two possible factors both inside and outside internal and external which give rise to this problem. I personally argue that school educational institution and parents should address this issue.

Two reasons bringing about why children who are not able to pay attention in the learning class room are inside internal factor and outside external factor. Firstly, inside factor is which comes from those children them selves. This is because they are lack of nutrition. This condition will lead to less concentration in the class. better to explore more your idea by mention why lack of nutrition will cause the concentration of children

Secondly, outsidefactor is consideration caused by others. For example, some students do not play sophisticated item at the class when their educator is explaining the lesson. This phenomenon is occurred in various schools.hard to follow. it contradicts opinion too as you said that 'student do not play sophisticated item at class' which more likely as a solution. in fact, in this paragraph you should reveal the reason

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