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Posts by yonathan66
Name: Yonathan Sugiarto Martono
Joined: Mar 14, 2016
Last Post: Apr 7, 2016
Threads: 30
Posts: 27  
From: Indonesia
School: Bogor Agricultural University

Displayed posts: 57 / page 1 of 2
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yonathan66   
Apr 7, 2016
Writing Feedback / The advancement of technology is used to check others activities in this globalized era [2]

Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, through cell phone tracking and security cameras). In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening.

Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?


In this modern era, the advancement of technology allows Societies are allowed to monitor others activity by using sophisticated devices such as hidden camera, deoxyribonuclic acid (DNA) detector, or hacking tools. Sometimes, people do not recognise that they are monitored. In my opinion, although it is impolite to watch other life without their permit, I strongly believe that there are more merits than demerits.

People now can monitor others without having direct contact with others. This is impolite and unsafe as abuse of this advancement can cause negative impact on society, such as increasing of criminality. People who commit crime are able to use cutting-edge device such as hidden camera to monitor their target. This device often use to do unethical thing such as pornography which is very dangerous for women. As a result, crime-rate, particularly pornography, has risen significantly due to the abuse of this sophisticated equipment. However, I personally believe that the merits of this development are much more than demerit.

Several bad things have been canceled as police or law-agency use cutting edge technologies on their job. According to FBI data, there are lots of case that solved by using fruitful device such as DNA detector. This device help them to recognise and arrest people who are noted in their black list. Consequently, plenty of terrorism have been canceled successfully.

In addition, this development are very useful to prevent crime as police or agency can recognise it before it occur. Based on Corruption Watch Agency data, police has been succeed on preventing corruptor from commit corruption by using hacking tools and hidden camera. As a consequence, many corruptors are arrested and the corruption-rate has been dropped. It is evidence that the advancement technology is very fruitful.

To conclude, there is no doubt that cutting-edge device has helped human in many ways as long as it is used properly. Although it can be harmful if it is used in the wrong way, I believe that this development are really fruitful for human life. However, government should establish regulation to prevent misusing of these sophisticated devices.
yonathan66   
Apr 4, 2016
Writing Feedback / Does Charging Tourist For Admission Has More Merits Than Demerits? [2]

Many museums charge for admission while others are free. Do you think the advantages of charging people for admission to museums outweigh the disadvantages?

Museums become the most suitable place to learn history. Plenty of museums ask visitors to pay for entering it, while others let the tourist entering it for free. I personally believe that charging the visitors for admission has more benefits than drawbacks as many improvement in the museums can be held by using the admission fee.

Asking the visitors to pay for entering the museums is not a good idea and can influence the number of tourist who visit it. Because society is already know that the museum has funded by the government, so it does not make sense to pay for the admission. In addition, societies are very keen on something free, so they tend to go somewhere else which is free rather than go to museums. As a result, the museums will lack of visitors and its existence will be threatened also. However, I strongly believe that the merits of this idea outweigh the demerits.

Museum will get lots of advantages by charging the visitors for the ticket as sometimes the government does not give enough funding for its operation. So then, it has to look for the other revenue to sustain its existence. Some method can be done by the museum to prevent it from extinction by using visitors' money. For instance, provide them with several facilities such as hand sanitizer both in toilet and corridor. So then, the tourist will have no worry about the healthiness in the museum.

Moreover, the museum can improve visitors' security by providing them with sophisticated device. For example, using CCTV to watch their condition and location. As a result, they will feel safe and comfortable during their time on enjoying the museums. It is clear that charging the tourists for admission is beneficial.

Therefore, there is no doubt that lots of merits will be provided by asking the visitors to pay for entering museums. I extremely believe that spending money to visit museum is worth as tourist are able to achieve useful information about the past.
yonathan66   
Apr 4, 2016
Writing Feedback / Salmon Life Cycle. It lives in upper-river which move slowly as an egg for 5 until 6 months. [2]

The diagrams below shows the life cycle of a species of large fish called the salmon.

Large fish named salmon's life cycle process is presented in the diagrams. It lives in upper-river which move slowly as an egg for 5 until 6 months. Next, the egg transform to fry which has 3-8 cm size, and move to low-river which has fast flow. It lives there for about 4 years.

The fry evolve into smolt which has medium size about 12-15 cm. It migrates to open sea and spend its time about 5 years approximately there. In this place, the smolt witness the last transformation and it becomes adult salmon. It will move again to the upper-river when the breeding season is coming. The adult will place their egg near reeds and small stones in order to protect them from predators and river's stream. The adult has size about 70-76 cm. Although they breed in the river, they look for their pair in the sea. These process will occur in looping in salmon's life.



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yonathan66   
Apr 4, 2016
Writing Feedback / Issue price of stuff about the which are relatively inexpensive [3]

Hi Mr Rahmat. I have some suggestion for you. I hope it can helps you.

2nd Paragraph

Because your agreement is on the advantages, I suggest you to explain about the advantages here rather than in the following paragraph, or you can use type of paragraph that i will show you.

Here it is:


There are lots of drawbacks that can be gain from the cheapness of items as many people get their income from these goods. Electronic manufacturers experience decreasing revenue since their item has cheap price. In addition, inhabitants become too glamour as they tend to spend their money for secondary or tertiary items rather than basic needs. As a result, some employers will bankrupt and many people lost their job while others be satisfied as their secondary and tertiary needs have been completed. However, I strongly believe that this issue has more merits than demerits. => you can use this sentence to weaken this paragraph. By using this kind of paragraph, you can mention the disadvantage before the advantage.
yonathan66   
Apr 3, 2016
Writing Feedback / Some people argue that those who live in apartment tower is far from social life; IELTS [2]

Hi Miss Adeclara, I have read your essay. Let me give you suggestions for your writing. Thank you.

Others say that people who live in a high-rise apartments a much better sense of community than those who live in houses.

I think you did not answer the Task Response as you did not make comparison between community who live in apartment and those in houses.

then, in both 2nd and 3rd paragraph, you did not give your opinion. It would be better if you give you personal statement in the last sentence of those paragraph. "I personally believe........"

4th paragraph

I uttery believe that occupants can establish community spirit among them by create simple interactions or spend free time together. => Preposition is followed by Ving => by creating simple interactions or spending free time together.
yonathan66   
Apr 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / What is the best time for kids to take formal education? [3]

In some countries it is thought advisable that children begin formal education at four years old, while in others they do not have to start school until they are seven or eight.

How far do you agree with either of these views?


Formal education become a basic need for children in this modern era. It is suggested for them to attend the primary education at four age. Others believe that kids need to start this in a proper time, at least at aged seven or eight, as their brain is ready to grasp much information. I strongly agree with this statement as children should spent much time for playing and developing their brain before they attend formal school.

Toddlers have to start their educational life at early age because they are able to gain lots of information in this age. According to Tokyo University research, children can get more than a thousand information during the age of three to five. In the other word, they can have great basic knowledge to sustain their future. As a result, most of them achieve high score in examination which also influence their next education level. However, I personally believe that children should not join formal education at early age.

Kids supposed to attend primary school at seven or eight age as they have to wait until their brain is ready. There are lots of knowledge which can be achieved before they join formal education. A research by UNICEF show children who join primary school at this age are able to answer basic question such as "which can be done or cannot be done" in better sentence than children who attend formal school at early age. In addition, kids who join school at seven or eight age will have many memorable moment which can influence their mind set. Gajah Mada University researchers says, more happiness can be had by this kind of student rather than student at four age. By spending much time to play with their relative can also develop their brain. It is clear that they should join formal education in this age.

Therefore, there is no doubt that children who spent their time to play with relative will be happier than those who attend school at aged four. I extremely believe that children can grasp not only knowledge about their subject but also about their mental. So then they can solve many problem wisely.
yonathan66   
Apr 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / There are several benefits for older people to live permanently in one place [2]

Hi, Miss Masfufah. I have read your essay, let me give you some suggestion for your writing. I hope it can helps you. Thank you

1st Paragraph

live in a convenient =>article + adj + noun , or in your case, i think you should use noun after the article => live in a convenience

drawbacks of leaving => this is not the proper collocation => Drawbacks to leaving

2nd Paragraph

why old peopleto live permanently in one place. => it can be old people live in one place permanently OR old people tend to live in one place permanently

they have an orientation =>i think you want to talk about past time as in the introduction, you mention about people in the past tend to live in one place. => they had an orientation
yonathan66   
Apr 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / A fish pie consist of several materials such as peas, fish, sauce and potato [3]

The diagrams give information about the manufacture of frozen fish pies

The information of frozen fish pies production is given in the diagrams. A fish pie consist of several materials such as peas, fish, sauce and potato which are wrapped by microwaveable container. At the first glance, it can be see that the production of this is divided to two different parts which will join just before the end of the process.

To begin, potatoes are sent up to one month after it is fine. After that, it will be cleaned before pealed. Waste of peel process will be placed in waste disposal. Potatoes which have been peeled will be sliced and boiled. After it is cooked, the potatoes are chilled. Moreover, the frozen potatoes will be stored before it join with the other process.

On the other hand, less than 12 hour after fresh salmon are delivered, it will be treated with lemon juice and salt. After that, it is cooked by steam oven. Moreover, salmon's skin and bones are removed and placed in waste disposal. Then, the inspector will look it carefully before it is combined with prepared peas and sauce. After that, potatoes will be added to this combination and it will be wrapped before it freeze and ready to be stored or dispatched.



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yonathan66   
Apr 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / Many people argue that creating massive a large grand architecture is very crucial for a modern city [3]

Hi Anaguna, I have some suggestion for you. I hope it can helps you. Thank you

1st Paragraph

creating massive a large grand architecture => article + adj + noun => creating an immense and massive architecture

in my opinion, you introduction is not strong enough, let me give you alternative for it:
In this modern era, landmark become one of several facilities that city must to have. City will get more revenue by having this impressive building. But, i strongly believe that government should set their budget for public facilities such as schools and hospitals rather than for landmark. This essay will discuss both point of views.
yonathan66   
Mar 30, 2016
Writing Feedback / Workers should concern to their appearance instead of their working quality [2]

Some organisations believe that their employees should dress smartly. Other value quality of work above appearance. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Many companies think appearance should be the most essential thing that have to be paid attention by the workers. Others believe work quality is more pivotal. I would argue that quality of work is the most important thing for employee, but this essay will discuss both opinion.

It is evidence that appearance is pivotal for workers as clothes can display personality both the employees and company. Several occupation such as bank encourage their workers to dress smartly as they have to interact with the customers face-to-face frequently. As a result, they have to wear formal suit and make-up every time they go to work. I strongly believe that having nice looking does not mean that they have good work quality.

Quality of work become the main factor which some companies search in their employees. This is because they are need to contribute solving problem, such as environmental issue, which has to be faced by humanity. Engineer, for instance, has to visit the location which has environment problem directly as they need to scrutinize it before they decide what kind of treatment that should be used to solve this. In consequence, they will always get physical contact with dust or other dirty things. So, it is no need for them to have good looking when they are working as they spend much time out door. It is clear that quality of work become the main criteria for some organisations.

Therefore, there is no doubt that employee should have good work quality rather than good looking as quality of work can influence the future of company. I extremely believe that many problem can be solved by quality of work only.
yonathan66   
Mar 30, 2016
Writing Feedback / Electronic devices have not only negative also positive impact to people relations [2]

Hi Miss Tira. I have some suggestion for you. I hope it can helps you. Thank you.

1st Paragraph

I partly agree with this thing has negative impact ... => I partly agree with this statement as in my point of view, this electronic device has benefits for human.

2nd Paragraph

It is true that gadgets make inhabitants busy ... => i will give you alternative that may be more stronger than yours => It is evidence that human's personal relationship is influenced by gadgets as human are to focus on their screen.
yonathan66   
Mar 30, 2016
Writing Feedback / Does people's personality can be determined by their appearance? [3]

Some people say that the clothes people wear are the most important indication of what they are like. Others, however, say that people should not be judged by clothes they wear. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

In this modern era, fashion become one of many pivotal things for human. Plenty of inhabitants tend to choose wearing clothes that make them comfortable while other have to dress not because of their style but their occupation. I strongly believe that fashion cannot be used to indicate others' personality.

People characteristic can be valued by the clothes they wear. Several jobs force their workers to use formal suit as they have to keep its reputation related to politeness. Wall-street officers have to wear shirt and suit. This shows that people who work on financial sectors must have polite personality. However, not every workers there are polite, so then I firmly believe that clothes cannot be used to indicate people's character.

Society cannot guess others' personality from dresses as many of them tend to wear cloth that comfort them. Mark Zurkenberg, who is the second richest person in the world, is very keen on wearing casual suit every day. Although he is the CEO of Facebook, and have to meet important person of several nations face-to-face, he wear formal suit very seldom. As a result, he will not be noticed by other people as one of the richest person in the world. It is clear that personality is not showed by people's fashion.

To conclude, there is no doubt that people cannot determine other characteristic by their dresses. I extremely believe that several inhabitants prefer to use clothes they enjoy to wear rather than use dresses to impress other.
yonathan66   
Mar 30, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: Youth crime rate is increased dramatically. What can we give as the solutions? [2]

Hi Ichant, i have some suggestion for you. Please correct me if i am wrong. Thank you

2nd Paragraph
Firstly, it is because parents' affection is declined. => First, it is because parents' affection HAS declined

This makes the teenagers feel lack of affection ... . => let me give you alternative => Children will try to get attention from others as they have less affection from their parents.

This is because media nowadays are lack of prevention ... =>i will give you alternative for this sentence => Nowadays, many programs which contain violence like murder, fighting and etc have been showed by media, so then kids' behavior can be influenced by this.
yonathan66   
Mar 30, 2016
Writing Feedback / The outcome of surveys asking employees about their affiliation with their supervisors and co-worker [3]

Hello, i have read your writing. Let me give you suggestion. Please correct me if i make mistakes. Thank you

2nd Paragraph

there arewas similar point in the poor quality ...
The fair relationship with boss iswas slight decline of 2%, this number iswas same as workers who keepkept silent whereas.....
NOTE: the chart present data in the past, so you have to use Past simple.

Let me give you alternative sentence.
Interestingly, the number of worker who did not have any communication ... => Interestingly, on the relationship with manager survey, there was nobody who did not answer the question in 2009 though in 2005, there was small number of it. In addition, people who has poor relation with colleague was disappear in 2009.
yonathan66   
Mar 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / Result of survey on the relationship between employees and their boss and partners from 2005 to 2009 [NEW]

The charts below show the result of surveys in 2005 and 2009 asking workers about their relationships with their supervisors and their co-workers.

A surveys results about the relationship between workers and co-workers and also their supervisors in 2005 and 2009 are presented in the pie charts. Overall, it can be seen that most of employees has very good relationships with both supervisors and co-workers while only few of them who do not have relationship with those.

To begin, very good relationship is was experienced by most of respondent. In 2005, there were 61 % workers who has very good relationship with both supervisor and co-workers, and this figure increase steadily to 65% in 2009. Workers who have good relation were dropped from just above a quarter in 2005 to 22% in 2009. There are 1% of respondent who did not had supervisor in 2005 while in 2009 the figure was rose slightly to 5%.

In addition, most of participant had very good relationship with workers. There were 63% of respondent who experienced this in 2005, and in 2009, it increased to more than two-thirds. The lowest percentage was 1% which experienced by employees who had poor relationship and had no co-workers in 2005. But, in 2009, there was no respondent who had poor relationship with their partner, while respondent who had no partner increased to 2%.



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yonathan66   
Mar 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / There is no doubt the world is vigorously uniting and interacting via Internet and global events. [3]

Hello, i have some suggestion for you. I hope it can helps you. Thank you

1st Paragraph

As the globe is frequently referred as a 'global village' ... =>i think your introduction is not strong enough, let me give you alternative => Some people think that the globalization has more merits than demerits. I strongly believe that the benefits of globalization outweigh the drawbacks as lots of convenience, such as Internet has been provided by this. However, this essay will discuss both of them.
yonathan66   
Mar 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / Increasing the number of police officers on the street is the only effective way to reduce crime [2]

Hello, i have some suggestion for you. I hope it can help you. Thank you

1st Paragraph

Whenever a vital crime occurred , people startedstart wondering which measures the government couldcan probably take in order to administrateadminister the public security better again. Having more police officers on the street wasis frequently considered at the moment as one of choices.

it should be happen in the present time, so you should not use Past simple.
yonathan66   
Mar 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / Several companies make their business just for source of money. [3]

Hello Miss Nida. I have some suggestion for you. I hope it can help you. Thank you

1st Paragraph
how they are able to earn ... . => how they earn much money from their own business.

2nd Paragraph
earn a lot of revenues every ... => earn a lot of revenues every year so then they can complete the needs of their life.
yonathan66   
Mar 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / The happiness of married and single inhabitants is influenced by different factors [3]

The charts the results of a survey on happiness ratings for married and unmarried people in the US, and the effect of children on the overall ratings of married couples.

A survey result about happiness levels for married and unmarried society and having kids effect can be seen in the bar charts. Overall, at the first glance, it can be seen that married inhabitants is happier than unmarried people. Also, having children brings more happiness than having no children.

To begin, relationship as couple has different happiness rate depend on their age. The highest level of this is on under a third century couple which has 45 percent, while the lowest is on middle aged couple at 40 percent. On the other hand, the happiest person on unmarried people is over 64 aged society at just above a third, while the least are young people and middle aged people who have same level at 21 percent.

The happiness of married inhabitants is influenced by children factor also. Having children under 18 age brings the greatest happiness at 44 percent while having children who have more than 18 age has the least percentage at 41. Interestingly, married people who have no children is happier than those who have over 18 age children.



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yonathan66   
Mar 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / The usefulness of some electronic devices as an instrument for exchanging information between people [2]

Hello Miss Astri. I have suggestion for you. I hope it can help you. Thank you

1st Paragraph

which is show both sides as a coin => let me give you alternative for this => which is shows both positive and negative side, just like a coin.

3rd Paragraph

This make people become insensitive with the state of their surrounded, because they only focusing its attention to stare at their gadget. => this make people become less sensitive with their surrounded as they focus on their gadget only.
yonathan66   
Mar 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / Should money be the main purpose of business? [2]

The purpose of business is to make money and they should concentrate only on this. Do you agree or disagree?

It is argued that earning money is the main goal of business. I disagree with this statement entrepreneurship should not aim to gain much money only, but also create good relationship with other people as entrepreneurs have to interact with other people for their business development.

In this modern era, money become important thing on human life. Lots of people dream to have luxury things which they really want to have, so then they establish their own company only for making much money to make their dream come true. For example, Philip Morris which is well-known as cigarette producer, has aimed to gain money from the smokers though they will get health problem by the cigarette. As a result, the company grow bigger and produce more revenue year-by-year as lots of people are addicted by their product. However, I believe that money is not the most pivotal thing which has to be targeted by entrepreneur.

There are other important thing related to relationship which can be gained by businessman as they will always experience interaction other people. Good relationship between entrepreneur and consumer can be risen since both of them will always meet each other for business purposes. Otherwise, cooperation between entrepreneurs will make advantageous relationship for the future of company. This cooperation is a common thing for businessmen as it is impossible for company to survive without help from other companies. As a result, there are several development which is held by company, and this can create more income also. Considering the example above, there is no doubt that making relationship is the most essential thing which have to be gained by entrepreneur.

To sum up, undoubtedly that achieving much income is not the most important things which has to be aimed by businessman. I strongly believe that having good relationship not only between seller and buyer, but also between entrepreneurs is more essential as it can also influence the company's revenue.
yonathan66   
Mar 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / The electronic media may be very useful for human if they can use it wisely. [2]

The use of electronic media has a negative effect on personal relationships between people. To what extent do you agree and disagree?

In this modern era, technology development provide lots of convenient for human, such as electronic media. This device usage cause several negative effect for human relationships. I would disagree to this statement as human have many problem related to relationships due to the use of this equipment.

It is clear that electronic media usage has lots of bad impact for human. These days, people find difficulties on communicating with others as they always focus on their own gadget every day. For example, in commuter line, which is the main transportation for employees, most of passenger have no interaction each other because they are busy on their electronic device. As a result, inhabitants get lack of conversation which also influence their communication skills.

Furthermore, these days, people also become more selfish and have lack of awareness than in the past. People tend to enjoy entertainment which provide by electronic device rather than pay attention to society. For instance, mobile game is played by students frequently as it become a common feature in every gadget. As a result, it damages the relationship between teacher and student because they do not pay much attention on their teacher's lesson. This will influence student's education also, as they cannot understand the given topic. It is evidence that people have less awareness to community due to overusing of electronic media.

On the other hand, this development also has positive effect on human's personal relationship as people can be easy to communicate with relative who live in great distance with them. For example, social media which offer easy communication with relative as society can contact their family and friend rapidly. So then, people can communicate with other frequently which also mean make their relation more intimate. There is no doubt that electronic media has advantageous effect for human relationship.

Therefore, undoubtedly that many convenience which provided by electronic device cause many impacts to human relationship as people us it overly. However, I think this development has other negative effect for human such as health problem, but I strongly believe that it will be very useful for human if they can use it wisely.
yonathan66   
Mar 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / Different Roles Played by Men and Women [3]

Hello Jan. I have read your essay, now let me give you suggestion. Please correct me if i am wrong. Thank you

First Paragraph

describe it's possible future trend. => its possible future trend => i suggest you to read possessive pronoun

Second Paragraph

Long long ago,there formed a clear divide ... =>Long time ago, a clear divide between males and females' role was formed.

They have developed different abilities and characters, leading to their distinguished roles in family. => inconsistency of tense usageas you talk about pas time, so you have to use "had developed" => they had developed different abilities and characters....
yonathan66   
Mar 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / Should young people take a job before they attend university? [2]

Some suggest that young people should take a job for a few years between school and university.
Discuss what the advantages and disadvantages might be for people who do this.


Job should be taken by young generation before they attend college as there are lots of advantages which can be gain by them. However, there is also disadvantages for this issue, but I personally believe that the merits outweigh the demerits.

In this modern era, lots of young generation tend to have occupation rather than study. This can be harmful for them as they are lack of experience in their job. Seniority become an obstacle for them since respecting older people is a common ethic in this world. As a result, they will have more task than their senior while their fee is lower than the older people.

There are lots of things that can be learnt by young generation in their occupation. For instance, the process and procedure of chocolate production can be mastered though they have no information before they have the job. As a result, they can decide major study which will they take, if they want to attend university.

In addition, young people who tend to get a job will be more self-reliant than those who choose to study as they face many obstacle frequently. For example, managing money become the most common obstacle which is faced by young workers as they have to live far from their family. In consequence, they have better money management than student. It is clear that having a job before joining university is more advantageous than directly attend college.

Therefore, there is no doubt that this merits of getting an occupation outweigh the demerits. However, I believe that young people should decide, whether taking a job or attend college, wisely depend on their main need.
yonathan66   
Mar 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / A lot of people tend to build their own business rather than working in one industry. [4]

Hello Miss Nida, i have some suggestion for you. I hope it can help you. Thank you

Over time, new creative business has blown uphas become phenomenon in the market of industries.

Becoming entrepreneur is a challenge forto/from several people who want to ...

For instance, people who sell their products in the market(SV agreement) . Every day, they have random customers. (ambiguous sentence)
yonathan66   
Mar 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / Young people should take a job for a few years between school and university [2]

Hello Miss Nida, i have read your essay. Let me give you suggestion. I hope it can help you.

Paragraph 2
Workplace (place) is one of the best ways (method) for young people to explore their ability. => i think "ways" is not appropriate here, you should use "place"

With work experience, when they attend university, they have more knowledge than another people. => I think this sentence is too rounded, so let me give you alternative =>they will have more knowledge when attending university as they had experience from previous job.
yonathan66   
Mar 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Manual and technological process of chocolate manufacturing - ten stages [2]

The diagrams show how chocolate is produced.

The diagram illustrates chocolate production process which is consist of ten stages. Overall, it can be seen that these processes are divided into two method, first is manual process, while the second is technological process.

First of all, ripe cocoa fruits have to be picked from cacao tree which only grow in South America, Africa and Indonesia. After that, collect cocoa beans by breaking red pods so then it can be fermented before it is dried under the sun light. Moreover, the cocoa beans, which have been dried, are packed in big sacks. These processes is done manually by traditional method.

In addition, these cocoa bean sacks are sent by using train or truck to the factory, so it can be processed by other treatment. After it is stored in the factory, the beans are roasted on high temperature, around 350°C. The next stages is destroying the dry cocoa beans until the outer shell can be removed. Finally, the inner part of cocoa is pressed by using mechanical equipment, so then it results liquid chocolate. But, it need to be compacted before it is sold in stores.



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yonathan66   
Mar 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / The typical steps of items production for consumers [2]

The diagram below shows the typical stages of consumer goods manufacturing, including the process by which information is fed back to earlier stages to enable adjustment.

The diagram displays procedures of items production for consumers which is divided into two different steps such as fabrication process and information feedback. It can be seen that though there are two start point, but both of them are merge and resulting same end point.

First of all, manufacturing process is started by keeping raw materials and manufactured components in storage. Besides that, there is production research which is followed by designing product. After that, production planning can be done and continue the process to assembly, inspection, testing, packaging and despatch, before the product is ready to enter the last stages, sales.

On the other hand, information feedback is begun in production planning stage as this stage need exact information about the number of materials from storage. The second step is on testing stages which influence design stage. After that, market research is the next step as this stages affect design, advertising, and packaging stages. Moreover, the information feedback is going from sales to market research stage, while it also going from sales to production planning.



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yonathan66   
Mar 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Governments make many rules to save people from harm [2]

Hi Miss Nisa, i want to give some suggestion related to your writing. Please correct me if i make mistakes. Thank you.

Second Paragraph

As a result, the crime rate there decreases year-by-year aroundup to 25.5%

Third Paragraph

Furthermore, this regulation leads to a meritpositive effect on environmental protection.

it will boost the spirit of people to be responsive aboutto environmental issue => "about" is not a proper collocation for responsive.

the waste water treatment plant to diminish the effect on waste water => the effect of waste water
yonathan66   
Mar 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / People attend college or university for many different reasons [2]

Hello Miss Nisa, I have read your writing and let me give you some suggestion. I hope it can help you. Thank you

Second Paragraph:

bachelor degrees takea big responsible and position in any company. => article must be followed by noun => a big responsibility and high position in any company.

many graduates aremore considered to be accepted in corporation to raise the income to meet with basic needs rather than another. => you have used "more", then you do not have to use "rather"

Third Paragraph:

you use competitiveness three times, i suggest you to use pronoun to replace it.
=> Furthermore, the dominant factor why people involve themselves to attend the university is competitiveness . The competitivenessIt is influenced by the high cost of living which encourages people to get the best education to sustain the way of life.
yonathan66   
Mar 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / The role of women in community has altered dramatically in the last two decades. [2]

Hello Miss Nisa, i have read your writing, and find improper word. Let me give you suggestion. I hope it can help you. Thank you

First paragraph:
As a result, a lot of children should be detained in the prison or rehabilitation which leaves their education => which also mean that they have to leaves their education.

Second paragraph
their motherswho have busy and hectic schedule in workplace tend to give a great deal of financial => i think it is better to put punctuation there and make it as appositive . => their mother, who have busy and hectic schedule in workplace, tend to give a great deal of financial
yonathan66   
Mar 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Should children learn foreign language in primary school or secondary school? [NEW]

Some people think it is better for children to begin to learn a foreign language at primary school than at secondary school. What is your opinion? Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

Many society believe that pupils should learn other country's language in primary school rather than in secondary school. I personally believe that learning foreign language since primary schools has more merits than demerits.

In this modern era, foreign language become basic subject that has to be learnt by pupils. Some primary schools provide their student with several foreign countries' languages as at this age, pupils can master these languages easier than secondary students. For instance, English, which is known as international language, is also become basic language in bilingual schools and pupils does not find any difficulties to learn it. As a result, students get many language knowledge since it is the most important part of communication ability. It is evidence that student is easy to learn other countries' language at early age.

But, this policy have demerit for the kids as they have lots of burdens on education. For example, pupils have to spend much time to attend additional class, such as course, to learn foreign language. As a consequence, children do not have enough time to enjoy their childhood while they supposed to have unforgettable memories at this age. There is no doubt that learning foreign language at early age give many burdens to pupils.

Therefore, undoubtedly that children should learn foreign language in primary school as it is easier to be learnt than in secondary school. However, this can affect their memory because they cannot enjoy their childhood, but I believe that learning other countries' language is more essential as it can influence their future.
yonathan66   
Mar 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Which one is better, young or old director? [3]

Most leaders or directors generally belong to an older age group, but some people believe that young leaders are better. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give your own opinion.

A great deal of inhabitants thinks that young people should be better to become leaders or directors than old people. I personally believe that young leader can be more beneficial than older chiefs though they have more experience than the younger.

These days, lots of young adult establish their own company and become the directors on it. Young leaders can bring the company to success as they can create unique and fresh idea which is never made before. For example, Mark Zurkenberg, who was invent Facebook, had established internet-based business which is never exist before and it is known as social media. He achieved success though he was very young, and now, he is categorized as the fourth richest people in the world. It is clear that young leaders can be very beneficial as they can produce unconventional business idea.

However, in this modern era, many company which is leaded by old directors still have success also as it achieve lots of revenue since it was established. General Motor, which was created in 1970, was known as the biggest company on transportation device. But, it became bankrupt as there were no fresh idea on their management system, while many company made new development year-by-year. There is no doubt that old leaders is not good enough to lead company into success at the present time.

To conclude, undoubtedly that young leaders are better than old directors as they can give unique and unconventional idea which bring the company into success. But, I believe that there are lots of things that can be learnt by young people from old leaders as they have large experience, so then young leaders can improve their company and become more success than previous.
yonathan66   
Mar 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Several things that become reason to attend tertiary education. [2]

People attend college or university for many different reasons (for example, new experiences, career preparation, and increased knowledge). Why do you think people attend college or university?

There are diverse reason that people have, such as getting new experience, enrich their knowledge or for better job opportunity, so then they tend to study in university. I would argue that this statement is true because university is an important part to make a better life.

These days, the number of undergraduate student has been risen all over the world. Some people join university in order to gain many experiences and knowledge as university provides students with many facilities. For example, lots of literatures can be found in university's library and student can use all of it for free. As a result, they will get much information which can enrich their knowledge. It is clear that many people join university as they can improve their knowledge and experience.

In addition, some people attend college due to their occupation or just to get better career as many company prefer to hire employees who has high education rather than less education. Inhabitants who want to get high salary will decide to join the university before they look for occupation as they can get lots of information and knowledge to sustain their dream job. As a consequence, some people decide to continue their study not only until bachelor degree but also master degree in order to get more beneficial such as salary and position in their office. There is no doubt that joining college become an option for some people to get better job.

Therefore, I strongly believe that university is good place to get not only knowledge but also better occupation as there are lots of facilities provided by university. However, some people join college as their parents force them to do so, not because of their desire.
yonathan66   
Mar 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Many juvenile get problems due to their mother is a career women. [NEW]

The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last twenty years. Many of the problems young people now experience, such as juvenile delinquency, arise from the fact that many married women now work and are not at home to care for their children. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

The change on woman position in society has caused many problems, especially for juvenile, as lack of attention from their parents. I would argue that this statement is true, and this problem also can cause other problem such as health problem both for children and parents.

In this modern era, business woman become common thing as they tend to choose working rather than staying in home to take care children. Juvenile who live in this kind of family will have lots of problems in society and school as they do not get many lessons which given by their parent. For example, pupils will find that they are difficult to adapt with others in society and they cannot follow the lesson in the class also. As a result, they have only few of relatives both in society and in school. Besides that, their score in some subject also bad, and this can influence their future. It is clear that lack of parent's concern affect not only juvenile's social life but also their future.

In addition, young people will have bad quality of healthy life since there is no body who provide them healthy food. Their parents prefer to consume fast food or other instant diet rather than fresh food as it need much time to be served. As a consequence, juvenile get disease frequently, and this condition hamper their study also. There is no doubt that juvenile's health quality is influenced by the attention of their parents.

To conclude, undoubtedly that lack of parents' attention brings a lot of negative effect for juvenile both on social life and their study. However, although household assistant can help parents to serve healthy food for their kids, but juvenile still need attention and supervision from their parents.
yonathan66   
Mar 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Which one is better to reduce crime-rate? Incarcerating criminals or giving education to them? [2]

In many countries prisons is considered the best way to decrease crime. However, education is often argued to be more effective way. Which opinion do you most agree with?

Some countries use prison as their treatment to reduce crime rate while other think education is better method to tackle this problem. I personally believe that education is the best way to decrease crime rate as prevention is better than fixing something.

At the present time, crime become a common thing as it can be found all over the world. Many countries give the criminals a punishment such as living inside the jail for specific period as they think crime rate will decrease by incarcerating criminals. For example, in America, the government provide several kind of prison to separate prisoners based on their age since there are juvenile detainees also. As a result, the number of criminal is decrease due to a great deal of criminals is arrested inside the jail. Although this method seem giving a positive effect on reducing crime rate, but I believe that giving education for criminals is the best way to tackle criminality.

Giving knowledge about the danger of criminality to both criminals and good citizen give obvious positive effect on reducing crime rate permanently. In New Zealand, the country which has the lowest crime rate in the world, the government does not arrest the criminals inside the prison. They tend to educate them about how bad criminality is, and then they also train the bad guy some new abilities such as sculpting or crafting so then they can have occupation by using their skills. As a result, they will continue to live by using their skills to get money and avoid their self from committing crime. Undoubtedly that giving education both to bad guy and good citizen is the best way to reduce crime rate permanently.

Therefore, the best way to prevent someone from committing crime is by teaching them about the danger of criminality. This method give permanent solution while detaining people inside the prison solve this problem for temporary only. In my opinion, religious education can also become a method to tackle this issue.
yonathan66   
Mar 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Who have to take responsibility on the number of plastic usage for packaging [2]

Some people feel that manufacturers and supermarkets have the responsibility to reduce the amount of packaging of goods. While others argue that customers should avoid buying goods with a lot of packaging. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

A great deal of inhabitants thinks that they have to avoid using item which has lots of packaging while other believe that department store and employers should take responsibility for this case. I personally agree that buyers is the main actor for this issue, but both sellers and employers have important role also. This essay will discuss both opinion.

These days, plastic usage become hot issue as it can influence our environment sustainability as it is used for packaging items. Prevention effort should be done by both manufacturers and sellers as they are the one who make decision about their selling items' packaging. They also can establish regulation which related to plastic usage for packaging. For example, department store should take more cost if customers want to use additional package. As a result, buyers will think twice if they want to add more package and this effort will reduce the number of plastic usage also. Consider to the example, there is no doubt that both sellers and manufacturers are responsible to the number of plastic usage.

Most customers tend to use lots of plastic for packaging as they want to protect their items from being damage. Buyers indeed have an essential part on plastic usage and environmental condition as they are the main actor who decide the number of plastic on their items' packaging. For instance, they can brings their own bag to reduce plastic bag usage every time they buy something in supermarkets. Besides that, they can ask the seller to use less package on the items which they buy. As a result, lots of packaging can be reduced, and so do the plastic usage. In other word, they have contributed to sustain our environment and prevent it from being damage by plastic. It is clear that buyers is the main actor and they have pivotal role to tackle environmental issue related to plastic usage for packaging.

To conclude, although sellers and manufacturers have a responsibility for the packaging on their selling item, but buyers also have an important role as they are the one who decide the number of plastic for packaging their items. I strongly believe that there is other actor, government, who can help both seller and buyers to solve this problem and prevent the environment from being damage.
yonathan66   
Mar 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Some inhabitants think that government create too many rule though it is for their own safety. [2]

Governments make many rules to protect people from danger, for example, by making people wear seat belts in cars or not allowing smoking in public buildings. However, many people believe that there are too many rules nowadays. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement.

A great deal of inhabitants believe that government establish too many regulation in order to keep them safe. I extremely disagree with this statement as the government make reasonable rule not only for their citizen but also for environment.

These days, according to environment condition, there are lots of danger that threat people safety. Government establish many rule to protect their citizen from danger or keeping them from doing something dangerous as they can influence the future of the nation. For example, after global warming issue appear, many rules are made by government for their inhabitants to not overuse fossil fuel as it can increase the greenhouse gases. As a result, government and inhabitants can give contribution to keep the Earth away from climate change. Undoubtedly that these regulation are made for humankind safety.

In addition, at present time, life expectancy is decrease though the number of population is increase. This is because many people is careless not only to their own safety but also other people safety. For instance, in the past, parents tend to ask their children to go to school by foot or bicycle rather than fossil fuel vehicle. On the other hand, nowadays, it is common thing to let children ride motorcycle or car to go to school, although they do not have driving license. As a consequence, the number of transportation accident increase significantly which also linked to the decreasing of life expectation. It is clear that many rule has been made by government to keep this problem away.

Therefore, there is no doubt that government establish lots of regulation to protect their citizen from several problem due to environment condition and people's behaviour itself. However, I believe that make lots of rule is not the best solution to tackle several problem, government should give education according to specific problem to inhabitants, and so then inhabitants can do the right things without the force of the regulation.
yonathan66   
Mar 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Which one is better, spending money on sophisticated medical equipment or on health education [2]

Most developed countries spend a large proportion of their health budgets on expensive medical technology and procedures. This money should be spent instead on health education to keep people well. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Developed countries should use their health budget to educate their citizen about healthy life rather than to improve their medical equipment and procedures. I strongly believe that prevent citizen from disease is better than cure the disease itself, but improving medical equipment is important also. This essay will discuss both opinion.

To begin, health is the most important part of human life. There are lots of things that people can do if they are health so then government has to concern on people's health as it can improve many sector of the countries also. For instance, giving health education such as seminar will enrich people's knowledge about health, so then they can prevent their self from many health problems by doing healthy life. This also can increase country's revenue as people have much time to be spent on their job. It is clear that prevention effort should be chosen by government by giving health education to inhabitants.

These days, many societies is very busy and have short of time so then they cannot do physical exercise to keep their body health. Improvement medical equipment become one of the best solution due to this condition. For example, in the past, people have much leisure time which could be used for keeping their body healthy. Besides that, they could prepare many healthy food rather than junk food. But today, people do not have leisure time for doing physical exercise and cooking healthy food, so then they are threat by many disease. As a consequence, they have to spend a lot of money for treatment cost. Undoubtedly that sophisticated medical equipment is essential at the present time.

To sum up, although development on medical device is pivotal, but I believe that do prevention effort is the best way to keeping people's health. This is because prevention need less money than healing the disease, so than government can allocate their budget to other pivotal sector.
yonathan66   
Mar 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Many People Refuse Apartment Building Process [2]

As populations grow and cities become more crowded, there is pressure throughout the world to construct ever-taller building to provide accommodation and offices. Many people object to such developments, citing the social as well as the physical dangers. Do you agree with objections to skyscrapers?

Uncontrolled human population stimulate government and employers to establish high building to accommodate citizen. A great number of inhabitants believe that this development is harmful for society. I personally agree that this development cause many problem for inhabitants, but there is also a positive effect which caused by this.

Population explosion become serious problem which faced by human nowadays. Building high-rise accommodation is not the best solution as it cause other problem to inhabitants. Lack of communication, which is caused by this development, is become serious problem which has faced by society who lived in apartment. As a result, there is increasing of individualism which also influence increasing of crime-rate. In other word, inhabitants has less safety due to they have no relative although they live in the same building. Undoubtedly that this development is harmful as it does not give solution but other new serious problem.

On the other hand, this development can tackle a problem although just for temporary since it give huge shelter for people by using a little number of land. For instance, after the establishment of apartment, lots of society can live in the same building without worry about annual disaster such as flood. As a consequence, human can solve not only population problem and lack of land but also healthy problem due to flood disaster. It is clear that building high-rise building can give solution for society though not the best solution.

To conclude, several problems can be solved by building apartment though it is only for temporary moment. But, despite the advantage, this development cause another serious problem also. The government should look for the main problem and solve it rather than give temporary solution.

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