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Posts by Ilmi_03
Name: Nurul Ilmi Rasjusti
Joined: May 13, 2016
Last Post: Nov 22, 2016
Threads: 47
Posts: 69  
Likes: 11
From: Indonesia
School: Universitas Negeri Makassar

Displayed posts: 116 / page 1 of 3
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Ilmi_03   
Nov 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / What are the problems caused by overreliance on private cars? How to tackle it? [2]

More and more people are relying on the private car as their major means of transportation.
Describe some of the problems overreliance on cars can cause, and suggest at least one possible solution.


It is argued that citizens are more conveniently travelling by their private cars. As the consequence, a number of problems appear, such as traffic congestion and air pollution, and those require effective measures immediately. One of the alternatives which can be taken into account is no one entering the city centre in certain times, in exception by using public transport.

The majority of people complain about cars hampering in the main street during peak hours every day. This is because those means inhibit residents from reaching their offices or schools on time. In my personal experience, I am always trapped in the road for hours with cohort of employees since the bus cannot run faster during the journey. As the result, frequently I come late to my first class in the morning.

The fact that overwhelming of private vehicles deteriorates global warming is undeniably true. Certainly, a car emits more emission, particularly carbon dioxide, than public transport. The long-term research of Harvard University reveals that one automobile releases ten tonnes CO2 per year, confirming that pollution resulted from private vehicles is the primary cause of global warming.

In my opinion, the government should restrict the number of owned cars in the road by introducing car free day. This attempt has been proven successful in several cities in the world. For instance, in Japan, after establishing that no car allowed travel to the city in Monday from 07.00 to 11.00 am, there has been a significant decline of gas emissions since 2010.

To sum up, I have a tendency to think that the more use of private cars, the more problems of congestion and global warming. Therefore, it is essential that the authorities cut off the number of those by establishing car free day.
Ilmi_03   
Nov 17, 2016
Writing Feedback / (Summary TED) How America public schools keep kids in poverty [3]

Hello, Alfin.

In my opinion, you should put more detailed information related to "How America public schools keep kids in poverty" in order to provide sufficient understanding for readers. I do not get favorable comparison between education for the rich and the poor.

Here are some additional suggestions for you.

Nowadays, most of people (...) can get good education in school.
They register to excellentschoolinstitutions with exclusive facilityfacilities .

[It is essential to ensure that each sentence has a complete structure. That's way, I suggest you to split your sentence since the word "registered" does not its own subject.]

On other hand, the povertypoor people (...), and moremost choose forto work.
[It does not make a sense to put two noun respectively, in exception with certain words.]

This is because they (...) need help and they must work .
[Repetition]

... have good facilty isfacilities are not free,.
Thus,thestudents who want to study at school must pay enough expensivehigh tuition fee and itsit is certainly not reasonable for poor family.
Ilmi_03   
Nov 15, 2016
Writing Feedback / The laws are needed to make people recycle more waste? [2]

Some people claim that not enough of the waste from homes is recycled.
They say the only way to increase recycling is for governments to make it a legal requirement.
To what extent do you think laws are needed to make people recycle more of their waste?


Recycling domestic waste has become controversial issue among people. Most argued that there should be more plastics or papers processed in recycled machine than it was recently. Thus, all we need is stringent measures to encourage citizens to get involved in this attempt. However, I personally disagree with this initiative issue since the role of education is more essential in order to engage people recycling the garbage.

It is often believed that the power of laws can drive citizens to obey desired attitudes in the society. This is because whoever neglects the rules will be punished, either by paying fines or putting in the jail. For instance, a car driver passing 3 in 1 lines has to ensure that he picks up at least 3 passengers. If they do not so, they are going to be prisoned or to pay $3,000. However, it is undeniable that office workers who are in a hurry hire others to accompany them during the journey. Clearly, establishing an official obligation is not effective to encourage citizens in the term of recycling process.

Educated young people about environmental science in the formal institution is a worth idea to raise awareness of the importance of recycling. As a matter of fact, students will realize why it is significant to modify old things, and they can learn how to reuse those. In addition, students who are going to be adults in the immediate future will bring the household rubbish to the recycling centre without any force, having their own initiatives. Furthermore, young people can introduce this way to other family members.

To sum up, the majority of people think that official statements have affords to tackle the recycling problem. Meanwhile I have a tendency to think that it is better to educate young people because they will bring greater impacts on the environment. Hopefully, citizens are going to welcome this idea.
Ilmi_03   
Nov 2, 2016
Writing Feedback / The line graph presents how many people have no occupation in two developed countries, US and Japan [2]

The graph below shows the unemployment rate in the US and Japan between March 1993 and March 1999.
Write the report for a university lecturer describing the information shown below.


The line graph presents how many people have no occupation in two developed countries, the United States and Japan, between 1993 and 1999. Overall, it is immediately apparent that the difference between both figures became much fewer over a 6-year period. It is also noticeable that there was a down trend in unemployment rates in the US whilst Japan saw the reverse.

In March 1993, the number of people without any occupation in the United States was considerably high at 7.0 percent, while the Japanese witnessed more than twice lower than it. However, this trend bore no similarity in the latter period in which these figures became narrower, and they reached an equal point at 5.0 percent eventually.

By 1994, the percentage of unemployed American people had decreased gradually to 6.0, and it continuously flattened out to just over 5.0 in the following two years, before hovering in this point until the latter period. In contrast, the rate in Japan increased slightly from above 3.5 to 4.5 percent in 1996, and then it peaking at 5.0 eventually, showing a 1.5 percent-rise in a half decades.




Ilmi_03   
Nov 2, 2016
Writing Feedback / Should Businesses Only Concentrate to Make Much Money? [8]

Hello, Anna94 :)
Here are my suggestions for you.

The purpose of businesses is to make money and they should concentrate only on this. Do you agree or disagree?

... and start to begin a business with the aim toThey make a business to get much money.
I tend to disagree to this initiative issuedue to there are some things that business person should notice too.

It is essential to ensure the using of a certain noun, either uncountable or countable noun, consistently [e.q business].
I could not get the point of "there are some things that business person should notice too".
It would be better if you mention those risks directly, and avoid using "things". This is because this word is ambiguous.
Lastly, remind that if you use "due to / because of" + noun phrase, while "because/since/once" is followed by subject + verb.


Anna, having read the entire essay, I think you have misunderstood the prompt since it asked for "is money the only thing to be focused on the business?"

If you agree to this, why? You do not need to explain how to make much money by having unique products or good labors

Ilmi_03   
Nov 2, 2016
Writing Feedback / Recognising the heat loss in a house is a way to save much energy [5]

Hello, Reski :)
Here are some additional suggestions for your essay.

The diagram gives information about the process of air leaking out and leaking into the house which is causescaused the lost of heat and energy. Overall, it can be seen that,the heat goes out from the house through several ways which are the same ways to get into the house.AndAlso, energy will be wasted ...

[There is a different ways of using "also" and "and" although they have the equal meaning]

Based on the diagram, in the house consist of Bathroom fan vent, Plumbing ...

[I would suggest you to avoid this pattern since it seems shopping list, and you will lose mark in the test. The one you need to do is making comparisons about the illustrated figure. Tell what the differences between the way air comes to and goes out from every room is]

Keep practice, Resky :)
Ilmi_03   
Nov 2, 2016
Writing Feedback / The picture illustrates some parts of a house where air is absorbed and released. [2]

Hello, Aini :)
Here are some additional suggestions for you.

Concerning on the first paragraph:
It is always better if you can form complete sentence.
Also, try to write two sentences in the overview which represent the main idea of the first and the second paragraphs.

Pay more attention to passive sentences.

... parts of a house in where air is absorbed and releasedwhich cause lost of heat and energy.

The second paragraph:
You can use some discourse markers, which I could not found in this paragraph, in order to maintain the flow of your sentences.
Ensure that you have used subject and verb in the appropriate way.


There are some pathways where the air leaks into the house. One of them is in the dryer event located in the basement in which the air passes through the pipe and ventilators. In the same floor, also, there a tap in the outdoor faucet which allows the air to enter the room. Move to the first floor, the air fills three different rooms via various leaking holes. Firstly, it comes to the bathroom by the electrical outlet, and then it fills the main room passing through the window, the door and the fireplace. The last is in the kitchen room where the air leaks out by kitchen fan event and another window.
Ilmi_03   
Oct 26, 2016
Writing Feedback / Naturan process - Erosion of a headland [2]

The diagram below show the stages in the erosion of a headland.

A breakdown of the natural process of headland formation due to coastal erosion is presented in the diagram. Overall, it is immediately apparent that there are four primary stages which begin with rock destruction and cave formation. The following processes consist of the result of leaving top layer, stack and stump, subsequently.

The first sequence in the erosion of a headland is deformation stage. In this stage, sea wave which has different pressure attacks the less vulnerable area of the rock layer, and it results in forming a small cave. Next, the cave becomes larger and larger in size, before creating a various arch shape, such as Durdle, Door, and Dorest.

The further process is called stack formation in which sea water hits the arch's roof continuously. As the consequence, the massive roof collapses into the sea level, and it leaves a separated land in the ocean, called a stack. Afterwards, the water still erode the stack and the headland simultaneously, meaning that its length become narrower. Eventually, the process remains a small pieces of stump opposite the headland.




Ilmi_03   
Oct 26, 2016
Writing Feedback / Mission going to outer space; Space Exploration, National Pride or Internationa Effort? [2]

Some people argue that space exploration has had more to do with national pride than international effort.

To what extent do you agree with this?
How do you think space exploration will change in the future?


a national pride or international effort?



It is arguably that such mission going to outer space is more likely related to how successful a country is. Also, it seems completely far to be explained in the term of global endeavour. I personally agree with this initiative issue since this exploration represents national identity and prestige of the country.

Superpower countries, which are competing to explore the universe, have their own icons which deliver implicitly their value and belief. This is because each group has different idea and specifications related to their space research programme. Obviously, Dr. Alex Roland of Duke University, who has scrutinized national interests regard to the successful missions of the United States - Apollo 11 and the Soviet Union launching the first artificial Earth satellite - Sputnik, claimed that there is a direct relationship between technological power and national ideology. He explained that the triumph of American aircraft reaching the Moon conveys the superiority of democracy while Russian's achievement introducing Sputnik displays the grandeur of communism. Clearly, those space missions aim to promote nationalism and have opposing goals, instead of collaboration project.

In addition, the primary purpose why developing countries strive to conduct the cosmos investigation is to get considerable prestige in the international community. Due to the fact that, the more successful of space exploration, the more superior the country. Jason Burke, the author of "India's Mars Satellite Successfully Enters Orbit, Bringing Country Into Space Elite", confirmed that, despite of the intention to improve prosperity, India spent considerable huge budget on setting up Mangalyaan, a space probe orbiting Mars. This results in strengthening India's status in the world, as the fourth space agency reaching Mars and, ultimately, the first in Asia.

In conclusion, it is true that the ambitions to know the entire universe are to show ideological label and to obtain great status internationally. Hopefully world citizens realized that if they want to advance space exploration, they should work out together. Otherwise, this trend will drive to the third world war.
Ilmi_03   
Oct 26, 2016
Writing Feedback / Nowadays, children can do whatever they want, often bad things, and it leads to the health issues [3]

Hello, Mardian :)
Let me give some advice for your writing.

Having read the entire essay, I could not find your position regard to this topic.
The prompt asks "Do you agree whether schools and parents are blamed for unhealthy activities in the way children life or not?"
If you agree/disagree with this issue, why?

Picking up some your idea in the essay, I offer an alternative.
In this case, I agree with the initiative issue and I am talking about eating junk food as the unhealthy lifestyle.
Idea: School authorities have real power to determine which kind of food consumed by pupils.
Reason: This is because they can select the appropriate menu which is provided in canteens.
Example: There are many scientific facts regard to this idea, or you can put your own experience.
Also, provide the results or consequence to strengthen your idea.

Ilmi_03   
Oct 26, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 - SCHOOL AND PARENTS ROLE FOR KEEPING CHILDREN HEALTH - CAMBRIDGE BOOK 5.5 - 6.5 PAGE 2 [5]

Hello, Faiz :)
The prompt asks "do you agree if schools and parents are responsible for solving the unhealthy lifestyle?", doesn't it?
But, as far as I am concerned, you give more explanations about the unhealthy lifestyle of children recently, instead of the role of parents and schools.

Also, I notice you put additional background in your introduction paragraph,
"This is shown by some statistics that displays the increasing number of children that have diseases".
In this case, if you add other information, you should explain it in the following paragraphs.


Despite of this problem, here are some corrections for the second paragraph:

... that usually makes children have unwell condition. Firstly,it is due to their food consumption.
... spend their money foron trying such as a tasty food without look atregardless the hygiene, cleanness, and ingredients aspects .
While the father and mother give pupils ...
..., some food that usually sold outside the school is dirty, even thoughbut they still buy it.

Note:
- pay more attention to subject verb agreement
ensure that each sentence has correct structure
- punctuation
- several words have their certain collocation: spend on
- countable and uncountable noun
- using of article

Ilmi_03   
Oct 26, 2016
Writing Feedback / Celebrities? I believe that the most essential in media is reporting about government in a country. [6]

Hello, Willy.
It is a nice thread :)
However, I have some suggestions for your writing.
Hopefully, it will be helpful.

Firstly, I am quite confused to follow your essay since you do not mark in paragraph form.
In the first paragraph, you state that "I totally disagree", but when it comes to your body paragraph, I found you are partially agree in which you discuss the essential of media to cover artists (1st paragraph) and the importance to report the government (2nd paragraph).

I see that you have two idea in the second paragraph, you just need to develop them and give more detailed explanations.
If you decide to utterly agree, then write your reasons on both paragraphs.

If you want to stay partially agree/disagree, you just need to give more touched in your entire essay, Willy.

Idea:Media have to report about celebrities lifestyle, such as famous actors, singers or footballers.
Reason: This is because famous artists are roll model for young people in the world.
Example: Taking an example of One Direction, a famous Western boy band, who was admired by many teenagers. Their fans are very keen on to imitate their favourite group band, such as what they wear to perform and their creativity to compose songs.

Result: This results in a number of their fans hard work in sharpening their talent in order to be the famous one.

Avoid to say It has negative and positive effect to the young people, go straight to mention the effects.
The more detailed your argument, the higher your score. :)
Ilmi_03   
Oct 10, 2016
Writing Feedback / Finding the best method to tackle traffic and pollution problems has been a debatable issue recently [2]

Increasing the price of petrol is the best way to solve growing traffic and pollution problems.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?
What other measures do you think might be effective?


Finding the best method to tackle traffic and pollution problems has been a debatable issue in recent years. It is argued that government should set up higher price of petrol to solve these problems. I do agree with this initiative issue since citizens will be reluctant to travel by their private cars if the petrol price is more expensive. However, introducing car free day is an alternative way in order to minimize traffic and pollution.

Establishing less affordable petrol will reduce the number of private cars in the road significantly, meaning that minimizing the frequency of traffic jam and the amount of greenhouse gases in the atmosphere. Once this policy introduced, individuals will be more selective in deciding whether they have to riding a car or using public transport. A 2010 recent study of Harvard University reveals that people in Beijing were not likely travelling by their cars because they avoided spending huge budget for transport cost, particularly paying the high price of petrol in their country. This resulted in a few evident of people who trapped in traffic jam for hours, and a fresher air in Beijing in recent years.

Having said that, car free day is the other way to tackle both traffic jam and deteriorated air problems. This is due to the fact that the car is the key factor of traffic jam and the main contributor of gas emission. Obviously, since can free day has been established in Tokyo, it showed is a significant decrease in the number of traffic jam and carbon dioxide emission. Clearly, car free day is a worth effort to keep healthier air and more straightforward travel.

In conclusion, when set higher price of petrol could discourage people to drive their private vehicles in which can streamline the travelling time and minimize the amount of poisonous gases in the atmosphere. Also, the authority can establish car free day to reduce the problems related to both issue. Hopefully, citizens can participate actively to support this policy.
Ilmi_03   
Oct 10, 2016
Writing Feedback / Logging brings harm to the ecosystem. The damage causes habit loss, pollution and climate change. [4]

It brings harm effects to the ecosystem. The damage causes habitat loss, (...) change that hashave been spreadingspread from the rainforest of ...
Terrestrial and aquatic life formcreatures are in danger, and (...), water, anda shelter for plants, ...

Soil is protected by (...), which means thatby losing tree naturenatural trees will lose their integrity. The rainforest ground, as home to a large number (...) and small mammals, dependent on a compact canopy ...

... a heavy compression whatwhich damages the spongy soil, creating furrows where water colletcs and interrupting ...
Ilmi_03   
Oct 10, 2016
Writing Feedback / Bird Migration to Another place - they manage to accurately travel connecting distant locations [2]

Hi, Naelendra :)

Relocation is the accustomed weight bunch of ...
It is better to pay more attention on capitalization. Honestly, I am confused with this statement since it contains a bunch of words. You should simplify them so that people can understand it straightforward.

Journey is an admirable example of how nature has responded to the biological essential (...) to strain and elevatejuvenile.
inappropriate word, juvenile means a young person

The the majority of ordinary (...) involves traveling to advancedhigher latitudes to bread for the period (...) to minor latitudes to breadfor breeding during the warm season,need comma

and then they returnreturning to lower latitudes during ... throughout resettlement the majority bird fly for a partial stage each day. probably concerning six to eight hours.
Ilmi_03   
Oct 10, 2016
Writing Feedback / How to Manufacture Cement and Make Concrete ? [2]

A breakdown of how cement is manufactured and its utilization for building constructions is presented in the graphs. Overall, it is immediately apparent that the cement has to pass through three complicated stages before packaging in the bags. Meanwhile, there are four main material mixed straightforward in order to produce concrete.

Firstly, the raw materials consist of limestone and clay which are mixed together and then it is crushed so as to produce powder. Once the powder has been mixed in the tube mixer, it enters the rotating heater and was heated by heat at the edge of the long tube. Afterwards, it is ground which results in cement. Having packaged in the bag, the cement is ready to sell.

To make concrete, the majority of this composition is a half consisting of gravel and a quarter of sand which are poured into a concrete mixer. Then, 15 percent of cement and 10 percent of water are added to the mixture. Finally, all of the materials are mixed clockwise in the concrete mixer.




Ilmi_03   
Oct 10, 2016
Writing Feedback / Birds fly hundreds and thousands of kilometers to find the best conditions and habitats [3]

Hello, Asma :)

Migration is a usual mobility (need an article) of animals, especially birds, and ...

They will fly to other regions where the conditions are ...
When dealing with unfavorable conditions, they will fly to other regions where provide better environment for breeding.

... from Northern Hemisphere which iswhere the breeding areas is existing, to Southern ...

... months and move up ato the mountain forduring the summer.

In nocturnal migrants, Those nocturnal migrants birds rely on the illumination ...

s]Contrarily, in In contrast to diurnal migrants, (...) on the sun to find their destinations.the place that their migration aim is located.
Ilmi_03   
Oct 10, 2016
Writing Feedback / The immense phenomena regarding migration of birds [2]

Hi, Afdhel :)

The migrationno capitalization of birds has attracted attention ...

The migratory bird's pattern is traveling to ...

... known to move into the tallerhigher land of Southern Hemisphere.

Yet, seabirds carry out it to the Southern ...

Recently, the number of experts have studiedare studying the spectacular phenomena to comprehend with regards to thethis feat.

Most researchers have found that birds have their own navigational ability ...
Ilmi_03   
Oct 10, 2016
Writing Feedback / TED Reviews: The simple Cure for Loneliness by Baya Voce [4]

Hi, there :)

... have when we feel disconnected,.no comma, but period.

... affected one of five American peoples .

In order to overcome the loneliness and to fell connected with other (...), and valued himself, and it can be ...

... the religious practice, but it is such routine every day.as something that we already do day-a-day.

Many peoples with same hobby or interest can buildhold/perform a ritual

Note: you should pay more attention on singular plural and punctuation.
Ilmi_03   
Oct 4, 2016
Writing Feedback / Social networking is the leading cause why individuals are losing interaction among family members [2]

Social Interaction Through Social Networking



Internet-based social networking sites are designed to help bring people together. However, they have a negative effect on the way we communicate with one another. Do you agree or disagree?

The way people communicate via the Internet is undoubtedly beneficial in which they can interact one another even in far distance. However, I would argue that this method is the primary factor of weakening social bond among people in their real lives and it can be a breakdown of several relationships.

Social networking is the leading cause why individuals become lack of interaction among family members. This is because people who are addicted to surfing on social media canals such as Facebook, Twitter or Telegram become more insensitive in the reality. Obviously, Bong Seon Hwa, a young Korean mother, had a tragic accident last year when she was enjoyable to chat with her friends in Facebook but she forgot to take care of her baby. This resulted in the daughter falling from the bed and suffering serious fracture on his backbone. However, a number of overseas students use video conference to keep in touch with their families intensively.

There are cohort married couples getting misunderstandings related to statements submitted in the social networking. The reason is there is not facial expression or gestures which can confirm their definite feelings and intentions. A 2010 survey by Pew Research Center reveals that 65 percent of American couples using digital applications to communicate each other acknowledged that posting photos with colleagues in Instagram can drive in jealous and long-standing dispute with their partners. It is clearly that social networking can ruin harmonious relationships.

In conclusion, while it is generally true that social networking facilitate people to interact with their far relatives more easily, but it can cause considerable disruptions in their relationships. Hopefully, citizens use the Internet wisely to communicate both with their virtual and real lives.
Ilmi_03   
Oct 4, 2016
Writing Feedback / Survey of Workers at Work (Supervisor and Co-workers) [2]

AtIN 2005, survey of relationships with supervisor shows that61 percentof workerShavehad a very good relation with their bosses. which is 61%WhileThe other result of this research found that 26% officers (...) with their supervisorS, and just 2% of whom hadhave a bad perception ...

AtIN 2009, the percentage of officers with a very good relation with supervisor increased by 4% than in 2005, which shows 65%.

Note :
- consistent with your word options, such as if you mention supervisorS, then you have to use bossES and leaderS in the next sentence
- pay more attention on past events, subject verb agreement
- distinguish whether using at or in for time signals

Ilmi_03   
Sep 25, 2016
Writing Feedback / The proportion of e-commerce in four retail trade in New Zealand between 2003 and 2013 [2]

Online shopping sales in New Zealand

The pie charts compare the proportion of e-commerce in four retail trade in New Zealand between 2003 and 2013. Overall, it is immediately apparent that most citizens purchased items in travel sector initially. Meanwhile the sales of film/music and books witnessed an upward trend, the figure for clothes and travel business saw the reverse over the recorded time.

In the initial year, the most popular trading in the Internet is business travel at 36 percent, but it decreased slightly by 7 percent in 2013. Similarly with the number of sales in clothes sector which began with 24 percent and then it plummeted to 16 percent, during 2003 and 2013, a fall of 8 percent over a 10-year period.

This contrasted to both film/music's and books' sales which saw a positive trend in. The number of sales in film/music commerce increased modestly from 21 percent in the former period to a third in the following ten years. At just under the fifth, books business' sales was the least popular in the Internet, but it showed a 3-percent rise in one decade period.




Ilmi_03   
Sep 6, 2016
Writing Feedback / UK, Switzerland, Denmark, Belgium and Sweden statistics regarding banana and coffee. [3]

The tables below give information about sales of Fairtrade*-labelled coffee and banana in 1999 and 2004 in five European countries.
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.


A breakdown of two fairtrade-labbelled products in several European countries are depicted in the tables. The data is collected in two different years (1999 and 2004). Overall, it is noticeable that, while Switzerland shared a significant proportion for coffee with United Kingdom, it was the highest cohort for bananas in both of periods.

Regarding to coffee commodity, there was an upward trend in the amount of commerce in each country. In 1999, the greatest proportion was €3mn in Switzerland and it increased twice five years later. While UK and Denmark began at extremely closed point, at €1,5mn and €1,8mn respectively, UK overtook others with an increase by €19,5mn in 2004. Besides that , Belgium and Sweden experienced a very small number, roughly €1mn sales over a 5-year period.

Turning to the figure for banana, Switzerland started at €15m, which is the highest number in the beginning, and it was still popular in 2004, at €47mn sales. UK and Belgium saw a similar pattern, from €1mn and €0,6mn initially to jump six time at the end of period. On the other hand, the rest of groups had less sales in 1999 than 2004.




Ilmi_03   
Sep 6, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 Relationship Between People In A Workplace [2]

Hello, Farida :)

... 61 per cent outnumbering good by 3525 per cent.
Pay more attention in analyzing the data

A similar pattern happened in 2009.a simple sentence
Alternative: A similar pattern was saw in 2009 although there was a difference position, particularly the minority that was in the group of poor relationship with co-workers.

Also,Besides that, in 2009, all people were ...
Ilmi_03   
Sep 6, 2016
Writing Feedback / In 1962, Meadowside Village and Fonton were just two separated, quiet and small places. [4]

Note:
- Don't add your personal opinion, particularly in this part The Village also start becoming a holiday destination since leisure complex was built
. There is not any reference about it.

- I am confused about the difference between residential area and housing estate.
Avoid to make a rambling sentence. Write simply and clearly.

That's all for you.

Ilmi_03   
Sep 5, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS - Children start school at the age of 4 or 7 ? [6]

Some countries it is thought advisable that children begin formal education at four years old, while in others they do not have to start school until they are seven or eight.

How far do you agreed with either of these views?


As children are priceless asset, there has been a significant concern on their growth. The government in some countries established that children start to experience formal education at the age of four years. Meanwhile, others claim it is not worthwhile idea due to children's development. I utterly agree that they acquire valuable experiences when beginning at seven or eight years old.

Bring children to formal institution at earlier age, less than five years old is not wise decision. People who accept this point out that children have not mature to deal with this condition, particularly psychologically. An educationalist of Adelaide University, K. Anderson, proclaimed that children aged four to six years old have their golden age. They will process instructions and information quickly. However, their psychology has not yet. There has been an evidence that two of ten children enrolled to elementary school at four of five age group suffer from serious headache. Unfortunately, it stands for long-term until those eneter senior high school. All in all, bringing children to school at such ages is dangerous for their growth.

Countries which implement to enroll children to primary school at the age of seven consider numerous advantages obtained. Firstly, children's cognition have not reached optimal condition. They can acquire knowledge easily and effectively. Furthermore, their psychology has been well-developed. As a result, they can adapt easily with new environment and socialize with acquaintances.

In conclusion, while children starting school at the age of four years can quickly master the lesson, they can suffer from serious health disease. It is better to introduce them with formal education at more mature phase, at aged sever to eight years. Therefore, parents should pay more attention in making decision related with their children's development.
Ilmi_03   
Sep 5, 2016
Writing Feedback / The beautiful skin color of human [2]

Hikuma, a few corrections for your thread :)

The speaker was born in the very various ...
[Alternative: She had no problems with her skin until she entered to the school.]

... friends in the school prefer to be friends ofmake friends with white skin.
ItThis condition occurred for long time which . It made her want to do something to abolish (...) different colors .
Ilmi_03   
Sep 5, 2016
Writing Feedback / The main feature of the wind turbine are light-weighted-yet-tough blades [2]

Azmi, it is a nice thread :)

The image presents specifications and effectiveideal/suitable locations of a wind ...
... on highland will give athe best result on electricity production.

... in the command house. Besides that, A steel pole prop the ...

... as long as no disturbance of anotherother landscape features.
Ilmi_03   
Sep 5, 2016
Writing Feedback / How it is made - The Cement and concrete for building purposes. [4]

The diagrams below show the stages and equipment used in the cement-making process, and how cement is used to produce concrete for building purposes.
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where appropriate.


The diagrams illustrate the manufacturing process of cement and how it is used to make concrete for building constructions. Overall, it can be seen that, the procedure of making cement is more complex than the concrete production.

To begin with, the cement production consists of four stages and several equipment. The process begins when limestone and clay are crushed together to form powder. After being mixed, it passes through the rotating heater which has a constant heat at the end of the tube. Then, it is ground to obtain final product before the cement is packed in the bags.

Turning to the second diagram, there was several building materials which is used to create concrete. Firstly, the compound includes a half of gravels and a quarter of sand. Then, fifteen percent of cement and ten percent of water are added to the admixture. Once those substances have been poured into the mixer, they are rotated in clockwise to produce the concrete.




Ilmi_03   
Sep 4, 2016
Writing Feedback / Enforcement actions to provide vocation for unwaged people [2]

Some people believe that unemployed people should be made to work for their welfare/benefit payments. Others, however, see this as cheap labour.
Discuss the possible advantages and disadvantages of making unemployed people take any job.
Do you believe that making unemployed people work is a good idea?


During periods of economic recession, there has been a grave concern about unemployment worldwide. Most people assume that this condition requires an urgent treatment by creating job vacancy to support those unemployed persons financially. Meanwhile, others resist in the term of inadequate salary. Ultimately, this policy has inevitable consequences, I personally believe that this is a worthwhile idea due to numerous benefits obtained.

Enforcement actions to provide vocation for unwaged people in a virtue of necessity is more likely related to human exploitation. Since it does not provide decent wages to defray living expenses. India, for instance, there were around 487 million labour force in 2012, the second largest after China. To deal with this problem, the government encouraged unorganised occupations ranging from pushcart vendors to home-based diamond and gem polishing for plenty of workers. Those labours had an enormous workload per day but these sectors had low productivity. As a result, over 90 percent of employees earned lower-paid. All in all, it looks like a slavery to force people without job to get one.

However, there is a wide range of advantages creating job opportunity for those who have not yet employed. Firstly, this measure can increase the level of prosperity. Since labours receive certain salary regularly, they can reckon for household cost precisely. Furthermore, those become completely responsible for their live. They do not dependent to others to meet their fundamental requirements. In addition, this strategy can reduce the rate of crime effectively, or becomes crime prevention. There has been definitive evidences that the lower amount of money earned influenced the crime figures significantly.

In conclusion, while providing job vocations for redundant people heightens a risk due to social manner, I believe that it contributes many more positive effects on economic need. Therefore, the government should attempt to provide a better job demand based on both aspects.
Ilmi_03   
Sep 4, 2016
Writing Feedback / TASK 2: visitors must follow local customs since it is the main way to preserve local culture [2]

Hi, Sofi :)

The first paragraph:
There is no doubt that cultural differenceS become [subject - verb agreement]a pivotal issue for tourism mass.

... countries already conduct strictstringent ruleS to protect local customs,

... without any interventionS .

Most European countrycountries , for instance, they release[inappropriate word] every holidaymaker to ....

The second paragraph:
For example, dayak tribe overoffersa special tour for those who want to try ancient life.

Note:
Your common mistakes is subject-verb agreement and the function of article

Ilmi_03   
Sep 4, 2016
Writing Feedback / The proportion of accommodation types in the United Kingdom - data collected in 1985 and 2005 [2]

The pie charts below show the percentage of housing owned and rented in the UK in 1985 and 2005.
Summarize the information by describing the main features of the charts and making comparisons where appropriate.


The pie charts compare the proportion of accommodation types in the United Kingdom which is collected in 1985 and 2005. Overall, it is noticeable that, there has been an increase of five million residences over a two-decade period. Furthermore, the number of council rented housing saw a negative trend while the other three cohorts experienced a considerable growth during the period.

In 1985, there was a significant proportion in the number of privately owned blocks, roughly 55 percent from 22 million homes. It inclined dramatically to approximately third-quarter of 27 millions twenty years later. On the other hand, the figure for council rented saw a sharp fall, from nearly 30 percent to 15 percent in 2005.

There was a huge gap between the percentage of social housing and privately rented houses initially. Social housing began at a very small number, at 5 percent, and 10 percent for privately rented groups. Then, both categories represented a fairly equal proportion, at one in ten, at the end of the time frame.




Ilmi_03   
Sep 2, 2016
Writing Feedback / The graph below shows relative price changes for fresh fruits and vegetables, sugars - Writing TASK [6]

Hi, Terminal :)

The chartline graph displays the prices alterations for three kinds of food-stufffood stuff fresh food and vegetables, sugars... from 1978 to 2009.

The most noticeable trend is that fresh fruits and ... [too general]Alternative --> It is noticeable that while the cost of all items saw an upward trend, the figure for fresh fruits and vegetables are the highest over the period.

It is better to divide your entire writing to several paragraphs or groups. So, the readers can follow it easily.
Besides that, makes certain in which point you will start to explain the figures.
There are some rambling sentences, particularly related to the time reference.

Ilmi_03   
Sep 2, 2016
Writing Feedback / A breakdown of the average temperatures per month and the length of sunshine in hours per annum [2]

The graph and table below show the average monthly temperatures and the average number of hours of sunshine per year in three major cities.
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.


A breakdown of the average temperatures per month and the length of sunshine in hours per annum is depicted in line graph and table. The data is from three capital cities in the world. Overall, it is noticeable that, in the exception of June to September, Sydney experiences the highest temperature during the year. What is more, New York and Sydney have many more sunny periods than Sydney.

Between January and March, the temperature in Sydney is roughly 26, higher than the other two cities. However, it falls gradually over the next four months to finish at 16 in July. London and New York follow a similar pattern, beginning the period just under 10 and 5 respectively, than increase steadily by 25 and 10 six months later. Unlike Sidney which witnesses a recovery at 20 eventually, both cities decrease significantly to under 10 at the rest of period.

There is not a huge gap in the number of sunshine for New York and Sydney. At 2,535, New York is the greatest number of sunshine period. Meanwhile the figure for Sydney is slightly lower by around 100, London become the least at 1,180.




Ilmi_03   
Sep 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 3 (The Advantages and Disadvantages of Small Family) [4]

Maulida,

These days, most people [need to stated the number of people to make it clear] prefer having a small ...

One of the advantages of having a small family comes from economic sectorPeople who argue that having a small family is beneficial concern on financial matters .

Because the financialliving costs[uncountable noun] of having a small family are lesser than in a largebig family.
A small family doesn't need to use a lot [...] not many mouths to be satisfied with.
I think it is rambling sentences and repetitions. It can be simplify:
Alternative: Few number of family members does not require a large amount of money for buying household stuff, such as meal, drink, and bills.
Then, it is better to explain what does the effect of this low of expenditure, such as people can saving money or provide a better lifestyle

Ilmi_03   
Sep 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / Writing IELTS task 2 : starting a business instead of working for a company [2]

Ashela,

For others,[need comma] it is too risky because an enterprise ...
StillHowever , I think the risk is not ...

... people have to provide so manyenormous resources such as a business ...
... also unpredictable and fluctuated, in contrast tocompared with an employee who gets ...

I notice that you have abundant idea in the first paragraph.
Actually, you do not need to put it all, but prioritize the important one.
Explain it one by one clearly to support the topic sentence.

Ilmi_03   
Sep 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / AI is calling to battle code gone rogue [2]

Sofi,

The article written by Cade Metz elaborates relating to open AI is calling to battle code gone rogue.
[it is a rather rambling sentence, there are two verbs]

There is no doubt that every advanced technology has significant ramificationseffects, both of positive and negative one .

... platform for anyone who wants it.

Elon Musk has a tendency to accelerate AI progress by making it free for anyone thaninstead of rely on one or two big companies due to the power need.

Subsequently, by recruiting AI cops allows people to identify how ...
Ilmi_03   
Aug 31, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS - Writing Task 2 Foreign language at elementary school [4]

Learning a Foreign Language as a Child



With regard to the advancements in communication systems, people throughout the world concern on language acquisition. While it is a common method that students learn second language in secondary school, some experts claim that it is preferable to be educated at elementary school. I personally believe that this approach brings many drawbacks due to children development rather than its benefit.

People who argue that elementary school is the best place to teach foreign language based on one main reason. They concern that pupils of elementary school have a golden opportunity to learn new languages because of their cognition growth. The study conducted by K. Anders Ericson, a researcher of Cambridge University, discovered that children aged 4-9 years old experienced a valuable phase, included character building. At this period, they can memorize a wide range of words and straightforward to practice conversation in daily life. However, this ability will decrease as children get older. Therefore, it is evident that introducing foreign language earlier to children is good for their development.

However, learning other languages in earlier age is without untold harm towards children's development. Firstly, as children learn to hold conversation, they can be confused to distinguish both of native and second languages. They are potential to suffer from dyslexia, which is a common problem in children of primary school. They get diff1iculties in spelling words, writing words, and understanding reading. Also, children who practice bilingual will experience some problems to interact in society because they are not confident to communicate. They are reluctant to get involve in the community. In addition, they tend to be lack of nationality because they are more likely learning other languages instead of their own cultures.

In conclusion, it is evident that, while learning foreign language in primary school is beneficial in some extents, there are more drawbacks for children. Therefore, language learning, either native or foreign languages, in formal education should be concerned appropriately.
Ilmi_03   
Aug 31, 2016
Writing Feedback / Many people has acknowledged that internet makes their daily business more accessible [3]

Hi, Sony :)

With regard to the rapid growth in cyber technology, many people has feltacknowledged that internet makes their ...
I believe that advancingadvancement in communication and online trade areisstriking point that driving this developing issuethe most noticeable feature in this term. .

In briefBriefly , the advancement of communication and online shoppinghas been ultimately facilitated people inmeans that this makestheir daily activities are much more easily handled.Measure should be taken to reduce the dependency of internet so people could back to socialize as human kind.[Honestly, I am confused with this final touch. It seems contrast with your idea]
Ilmi_03   
Aug 31, 2016
Writing Feedback / Nowadays, most people rely on driving cars for their daily activities. [6]

Maulida :)

Nowadays, most people [it is better to state the number of people, such most people]relayrely[spelling] on driving cars ...
... use of cars leads us to another problemother problems concerning our environment, such as air pollution and ...
Government's role to make strict regulation ...Government's role to restrict the utilization of private car will be valuable in this term.

... unlimited use of carswill not be good for our environment to comeprivate vehicles brings detrimental effects on the environment . One alternative way to reduce the numbers of cars is ...Therefore, policy makers should introduce stringent regulations to tackle this phenomenon.

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