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Posts by azmi23
Name: azmi yuhendar
Joined: Aug 10, 2016
Last Post: Sep 5, 2016
Threads: 17
Posts: 28  
Likes: 3
From: Indonesia
School: ITB

Displayed posts: 45 / page 1 of 2
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azmi23   
Sep 5, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 1 : The diagrams show the design for a wind turbine and its location. [2]

hi! i hope it will be helpful

The figures presents a wind turbine ...
Although it is buildbuilt up with some materials and structure, ...

The process starts when wind blows to ...
i guess steel tower is not a process but a structure to sustain the blades and its components. so, maybe the alternative way to say is : "The process starts when wind blows to the blades which are made from fiberglass or wood that are sustained by steel tower will rotate and generate 1.5 megawatts electricity. In addition, the direction and angle of blades are controlled using computer which is connected to wind sensor on generator.

... more electricity as wind that blowing from sea is ...
... the turbine also can also be constructed in the highly ...
... turbine in a landscape only can only produce 100 kilowatts, ...
azmi23   
Sep 5, 2016
Writing Feedback / The advance of technology make many alterations in people's life [3]

please correct me if i'm wrong
can + verb --> "also" is placed in between
can + be + noun --> "also" is placed before "can"
internet should be followed by "the"


face-to-face also can meetcan also meet in screen by using face time or skype

... modern technology also has a drawback like making ...
I would argue that electronic devices has more ... (i suggest you to mention the internet on introduction, so reader could know where your statement will flow)

These kind of applications really help inhabitant ...

They possibly could be a careless to other and ...
Another is the internet havehas a tendency for ...
... they meet in the real life and finally crime happens. (it will be powerful if you tell WHY people do crime by accessing the internet)

In conclusion, merit and demerit effect of electronic media influence people's live. ( i suppose if you write your recommendation, it will be more powerful)
azmi23   
Sep 5, 2016
Writing Feedback / The main feature of the wind turbine are light-weighted-yet-tough blades [2]

Hi! I need your feedback regarding my practice on writing task 1. All critics and suggestions are very welcome!

Q: The diagrams show the design for a wind turbine and its locations.

The image presents specifications and effective locations of a wind turbine to produce electric current. It can be seen that a command centre is required for controlling a wheel sensor, whereas constructing turbine on highland will give a best result on electricity production.

The main feature of wind turbine is light-weighted-yet-tough blades which are supported by wind sensor and generator. All of these components are controlled by computer system in the command house. A steel pole prop the construction to receive power effectively.

The construction can be set everywhere including seashore and high-lying area as long as no disturbance of another landscape features. The higher it is built, the more megawatts will be produced as a consequence of air pressure that spin the blades intensively. The aforementioned system reveals that wind turbine could effectively run 100 kilowatts for domestic purpose, while 1.5 megawatts could be produced by fully constructed turbine for wider range purposes.





azmi23   
Sep 2, 2016
Writing Feedback / The proportion of water in six gulf countries in 2000, based on three main objectives [2]

your feedback is very welcome!
ps: attachment of the graph is given below.

WRITING TASK 1 (PRACTICE): WATER USE IN GULF COUNTRIES IN 2000

The bar chart compares the proportion of water of six gulf countries in 2000, based on three main objectives: domestic, agriculture, and industrial. At first glance it is evident that agriculture and domestic were the main purposes within all Middle-East nations.

With an exception of Bahrain and Kuwait, all countries spent most of proportion on agriculture. The highest one was in Oman and Saudi Arabia which have a similar number, at approximately four-fifth, while a minority proportion was spent for domestic. Both UAE and Qatar were 20% less than the first two nations on agriculture, besides a half from it was for domestic. On the other hand, Bahrain spent water mostly on domestic business at more than 50%, while a two-fifth was used for agriculture.

Apart from previous comparison, the least water consumption was for industrial which was consumed at less than 10%. The exception was Kuwait where had a similar percentage for both industrial and agriculture, at less than a fifth.




azmi23   
Aug 31, 2016
Writing Feedback / Nowadays, most people rely on driving cars for their daily activities. [6]

hi! let me focus on your introduction and conclusion.

Nowadays, people rela y on driving cars for ...
i suggest you to give a brief explanation for each problem. let me try to paraphrase this sentence
"The dependence on conventional vehicle may cause several damage to environment due to hazardous emission that is produced. Moreover, this condition will increase a fossil fuel demand that consequently affects on declining of non-renewable resources. ......"


To sum up, the unlimited use of cars will not be good ...
it will be more powerful if you explain why government should limit the use of cars, what result will it bring by the regulation, and if possible, give an example (maybe 'car free day')
azmi23   
Aug 31, 2016
Writing Feedback / 'simple touch of fingers' - People's daily activities have been simplified by connecting online [3]

this is my third practice in IELTS writing task 2. please give me some feedback to make these paragraphs more powerful and coherence. thanks!

Q: The internet has made human lives more convenient. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
People's daily activities have been simplified by connecting online. While all kind of business can be done by a simple touch of fingers on mobile device, I would tend to claim such overusing the internet can change our basic way of life, a real communication.

There is no doubt that emergence of state-of-the-art gadgets lead individuals to have an easier access to go online. The internet which is connected through smartphone can complete most of human's necessities. For instance, buying goods like outfits are more flexible by surfing online stores. Moreover, there are variety mobile application that provide transportation services. As a result, people who in a hurry do not have to queue any longer to be on time in a sudden meeting or an emergency occasion. Therefore, inhabitants rely on the internet connection to fulfill their daily needs.

On the other hand, this habit often causes online addiction, which changing in human's interaction might be an after effect. Because of interactive feature on application, they prefer to get busy with gadgets, rather than meeting face-to-face to gain more quality time. Taking teenagers as an example, they gain social needs by chatting online or browsing social media, such as Whatsapp or Line. This affects on behavior which the youngster find it way more attractive to talk on online group using emoticons than giving real expression in a family dinner conversation.

All in all, although the internet has gone beyond expectation in our daily life, there is a dire effect in social life. For this reason, I strongly recommend that users have to use the internet more properly. Development in technology must go on the right track and so do real interaction in person to person.

azmi23   
Aug 30, 2016
Writing Feedback / The mass media has been more interesting to show well known people's way of life [2]

hi! i catch some grammatical errors. hope you can follow through

... to report people who live usuallynormally .
... media than another who have normally lifea normal life and I do not believe (...) bringing benefit to others maybe the appropriate one is "i do not believe that reporting average people's life will be less attractive to bring positive energy to audiences, in spite of the popular ones

... news to famous people gives an advantage that might be added private enterprise ...
Because most viewers are more interested (...) lifestyle, fashion, and activities. For an example, some people are ...
Those makes some people think to be an up to date person. All in all, it bring more fundings for enterprise.
... argue that people who have live usuallylive noemally, give more motivation and ...

... about culture and behaveior from them.
azmi23   
Aug 30, 2016
Writing Feedback / Environmental issues are caused by human's activities. Task 2 (practice): "improving environment" [3]

please help me to develop stronger ideas or paragraphs. my pleasure having your suggestions and critics. thanks!

Q: individuals can do nothing to improve the environment. Only large companies and businesses can make a difference.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?


Environmental issues are caused by human's activities. As a consequence, every person in this planet is responsible to take an action of change. I truly believe that not only industries can make an improvement, but also humankind are the most matter.

Big companies deal with this situation by giving public services called Corporate Social Responsibility (CSR). Their programs usually provide social campaigns and infrastructures, like disposal bins which are given to district that needs more attention regarding environmental issue. The movement covers large area within less duration of time. Whereas no one can assure the effectiveness for massive revolution in The Mother Nature.

In contrast, the human habit itself is the root problem of this devastating impact. Society was less likely aware of surroundings. Some of them still dispose garbage into a river or public places. However, a good attitude is persuasive. If there is a person who always throws rubbish in a appropriate place and asks the immediate family to do so, then they will enhance the commonsense in order to protect their environment. After that, this action will continue over different surrounding, such as their school, workplace, neighborhood, and greatly, other nations. In brief, every tiny action will make a huge impact to the earth. So always do positively to create a better effect also.

In conclusion, it is important that industries can produce massive action to cover large region with regard to increasing people awareness, but the most crucial one is the people who have to more common on their behavior that caused devastate effects on nature. Therefore, I strongly suggest that both segments (societies and industries) should cooperate to keep nature in balance.

azmi23   
Aug 30, 2016
Writing Feedback / Summary Article How to Eat More Vegetables And Less Meat in Three Weeks [6]

i suggest to reduce the monotonous sentence. try to reform it to passive or use some linking words. break a leg!
here are some corrections of mine. happy writing!

... and blood pressure, also it will also help to lower the risk ...
... nutrients and anti-oxidant substances which people can not get from meat (another option: which cannot be found in meat .
... try to subtitutes meat to mushrooms, and makeconsumethea meat only a half portion fromdespite the usual portion .
... omelet with oatmeal on the breakfast, then in lunch try to consume salads with fish in lunchtime , induring the dinner, reduce consuming fry-foods.
azmi23   
Aug 30, 2016
Writing Feedback / How a wind turbine will be built and where it is located [4]

hi! what a writing! i just would like to give some suggestions and a few corrections

For maximum result, Wind plants are usually established in beaches.

Wind turbine is designed to generated energy from natural wind power . Therefore, it is built by setting up a steel tower (...) of fibreglass or wood inon its top.

... it is completed bywith wind sensor in order to ...
As the blades are being moved by wind, generator ...
The direction and angle of wind then adjustswith the blades.

The wind plants can be built in toon areas closed to coast.
Therefore, such a domestic turbine suchwhich is given by the diagrams can ...
azmi23   
Aug 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / Summary: Dyslexic Designers Just Think Different-Maybe Even Better [3]

hi i'd like to give some suggestions regarding to your summary. happy writing!

... expect that this exhibit can encourage general people in general to see what dyslexia ...
According to Roko's theory, one out of five people is dyslexia, but it is really ...
... ability of dyslexia and change others perspectives about it.
azmi23   
Aug 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / Students have today more chances to study abroad, than it was before - practice on IELTS [3]

here is my practice on writing task IELTS. I feel uncertain in my sentences and flow. i can't thank you enough for everything you do to enhance my skill. so, please give me some advises and critics on my writing.

ps: questions are in bold and answers are in italic
you can pick one of those tasks to check or all of the tasks will be very helpful

WRITING TASK 2In the past, when students did a university degree, they tended to study in their own country.
Nowadays, they have more opportunity to study abroad.
What are the advantages and disadvantages of this development?
You should use your own ideas, knowledge and experience and support your arguments with examples and relevant evidence.


Answer:
These days, studying in foreign country to get higher degree is becoming trend, especially the young generation. Vary of scholarship programs that were provided by national government or international universities are a great chance for them to reach their dreams abroad. In spite in own country, a priceless experience is a pivotal role that could combat a drawback of the trend.

While such idea encourage learners to leave their country, it could possibly affect the grade of national universities, because the youth will more likely to take a chance to study overseas. For an example, a bachelor student who was a genius one, promoted to get a master degree abroad, researching a new technology in unconventional energy. National education institution will lose a chance to develop new invention regarding to technology if its delegate prefer to stay out of the country. Imagine if every learner made a same decision, the butterfly effect would possible to occur which worldwide would see the institute is lack of scientific or any kind of research. Therefore, national authorities should make an approach to overcome this situation.

However, there are several merits to gain by studying overseas. Firstly, the one that bachelor student will get on overseas study is the unforgettable experiences that are very good in behavior developing of people. They will push their limit of life to its end by survival. Even though with scholarship, the living cost in foreign country will be hard to fulfill. Moreover, they should prepare for an emergency if any occasion appear. The second one is language which most of people have a problem with. As a communication is a basic habit in daily life. Language barrier is a critical obstacle to keep alive in overseas country. So those challenges are led them to prepare for the worst to keep survive which less likely to happen if they study in hometown.

In conclusion, study overseas has an effect to national universities due to the less-conducted research. On the other hand, the most significant notion that will diminish the disadvantage is the priceless story of character developing that students could get in foreign universities.


One essay at a time, please.
azmi23   
Aug 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / Both parents and school should obligate to keep the children fit. [3]

hi! i give you some corrections and a suggestion . hope it would be helpful

Nowadays, an unhealthy way of life has become [...] government has to overcome this situation. * better if put one or two reasons why is keeping children fit is important and why it is a responsibility for parents, schools, and government. just to make your introduction more powerful!

... at home with many variations that/which could attract kids to like it.
... always reserves them and supports sufficient nutrition-there is not ...

... or health absorption because it could influence our ...

Government could make policy with healthy minister to ignore bad ...

In conclusion, betweenall aspects including parents, school and stakeholders have ...
azmi23   
Aug 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / The diagrams below show the life cycle of the silkworm and the production stages of silk cloth [2]

hi! there are some suggestions and corrections of mine. hope it will be helpful

... explain about what aprocesses are happened in silkworm's life is like and how the silk ...
... cycle consists of four phases-, beginning with the eggs and ending with the birth of a new ...
ThenOverall, the production of silk ...

First of all, begin withAt the beginning, eggs are produced by the moths, for about 10 days latertoit become silkworm larvae which lifelive with mulberry leaf food.

... time approximately 4-6 weeks later to change a silk thread.

Second picture is about how to process after ...
The diagram tells there are 5 steps to dofrom production until finish. Start from selecting the cocoons which is will be produced, then the ...
azmi23   
Aug 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / One and multiple idea paragraph. IELTS writing task 2: making body paragraph [2]

it is my exercise on making body paragraph 2 (italic) that is a contrary to body 1 which was given before. There are two types of body, one idea paragraph and multiple idea one.

The question is in bold

please give me suggestion and correction to make more powerful body sentence. thank you for your generosity for reading my writing.

Q: there have been major advances in technology over recent decades and this led to significant improvements in people's lives.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?

One idea paragraph:
Body 1:
The main benefit of modern of technology is that people's lives are much more convenient. This is because we are able to do many things without having to stay at the office or home, something which is extremely important given the busy lifestyles of today. For example, most people now have a mobile phone or laptop computer, and Wi-Fi is available in virtually every place. As a result, people are able to do their work, liaise with colleagues or friends, and check their emails anywhere they choose such as in coffee shops or while travelling on a train or bus. There is no doubt that this has improved people's lives in many ways and this would not have been possible without improved technology.

Body 2:
However, those breakthrough gadgets are more likely to affect our health issue, especially cellphone. The radio waves, which are transmitted from mobile phones can disrupt our body. According to The Federal Communications Commission (FCC), said that radiation of radiofrequency exposure from handset can generate long-term effects of radiation waves on the brain. So, it is no doubt that there is a possibility to increase heath risk on cancer specifically which one of the most dangerous disease to lead human's death. That is a strong evidence for us to be more concern on addiction of smartphones.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Multiple idea paragraph:
Body 1:
There is no doubt that modern technology has improved people's lives in many ways. Firstly, people's lives are much convenient because we have devices such as mobile phones, meaning that people can communicate when and where they like, not just in the office or home. In addition, people are living much longer lives due to the advances in medical technology, with doctors now able to carry out complicated heart surgery and other operations that were not possible many years ago. People's lives have also improved around the home. Evidence of this can be seen with all the devices that are now readily available to people that save time such as microwaves, washing machines, and dish washers. None of this would have been possible without advances in technology.

Body 2:
However, our addiction in nowadays social media which are more frequently accessed by smartphone, can cause several negative effects. The first of all is human relationships problem. It was not need any scientific proof that we eventually have a situation when during an intimate gathering, like family dinner or holidaying with some friends. We are likely to be connected in virtual conference through Instagram or path in spite of face-to-face conversation that is more effective to tighten our bond. The next one is about health issues. Researchers, especially related to medical sector, have found several problems which are caused by handset, such as increasing of stress level. It is a result of depression and sleep disturbance for having too much time floating on internet. Then, it is further confirmed by Live Science media that stated blue light which transmitted by gadget screen can trigger hypothalamus to stop creating sleep hormones. The afore mentioned mix of opinion and evidence reveals that the comprehensive caution is critically needed to diminish several problematic issues including our body and surroundings.

azmi23   
Aug 26, 2016
Writing Feedback / Summary : The World English Mania [3]

Hi! there a several corrections and suggestions for you. happy writing!

There are aboutapproximately 2 billion people in this world ...
Chinese student start to learning english in the third grade.

... by learning english, they have thean opportunity to get a better life...
Every country has their common languan ge to solve their problem, actually."
azmi23   
Aug 25, 2016
Writing Feedback / Here is my exercises of introduction in IELTS writing task 2 - are these appropriate responses? [2]

Here is my exercises of introduction in IELTS writing task 2. Please give me some advices weather it is appropriate responses or not due to the questions. If there are some words or phrases that is better to use, do not hesitate to write it down which will broaden my horizon. Best regards.

1. As global trade increases, many goods, including those we use on a daily basis, are produced in other countries and have to be transported long distances.

Do the benefits of this trend outweigh the drawbacks?

Introduction:
Nowadays, there are many goods that are imported from a nation to another due to the increase of world market there are therefore several advantages and disadvantages for this situation, however I believe it has more disadvantages than its merits. Thus, I will discuss both in the following paragraphs.

2. In many countries, children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it as valuable work experience.

Discuss both opinions and give your opinion.

Introduction:
There are contradictive notions related to the young who are involved in part-time work. Several people argue that will give bad impact on children's attention, while others say, it is as important experience. By examining the statement one by one, I will present it in the following paragraphs based on my arguments.

3. Unpaid community service should be a compulsory part of high school programs (for example, working for a charity, improving the neighbourhood, or teaching sports to younger children).

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Introduction:
There are so many services that the young generation can do, such as conducting a charity, developing their hometown, or training sports to children. The consideration of voluntary social services as a mandatory in high school subject, I truly believe that it will be necessary due to its positive impacts on surroundings. Therefore, the paragraphs below will show why I convince to say so.
azmi23   
Aug 25, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 The Problems Which People Will Get When Live Abroad [3]

hi! i'd like to give you some corrections, hope you can follow through. happy writing!

Overall, the group which has much more problems is the middle age groupthe middle age group has much more problem than others who has the highest percentage in all categories, such as finance, healthcare, and finding schools for their children . This group has the highest percentage in all categories ...

... aged between 35 and 54 hasve the biggest percentage of ...

In contrast, elderly people always hasve the least number of (...) which has a higher proportion than people aged 18-34, but less than ...

here are some suggestions:
-don't forget to put comma
-try not to using "group" so many times

azmi23   
Aug 25, 2016
Writing Feedback / Hiking The Inca Trail, Machu Picchu in Peru [4]

Hi rosa! here are my corrections (red) and suggestion (blue). hope you can follow through! Btw nice information! happy writing!

Machu Picchu is a famous sacred touristic site touristic in Peru founded by Hiram ...
By passing the Inca Trail, the tourists will be surprised with the breathtaking view of glacier-covered ...
... porters and guides who are allowed to enter it.
... company or individual guides must have a special license.
... how much the porter should be paid. Andand arrange the fees for ...
azmi23   
Aug 24, 2016
Writing Feedback / Powerful earthquake shakes central Myanmar [2]

here is another summary of the jakarta post. As the source is a compact one, i tried to paraphrase it. So, again and again, please do not hesitate to criticise!

Source:
thejakartapost.com/seasia/2016/08/24/powerful-earthquake-shakes-central-myanmar.html


On Wednesday, August 24, 2016, center of Myanmar was startled by a 6.8 SR earthquake and urged citizen running out of buildings. Later, The U.S. Geological Survey stated the epicentrum was 25 kilometers (15 miles) away of Chauk, where is an ancient capital of Bagan. In addition, the depth of the shock was 84 kilometers (52 miles) beneath the Earth's surface that generally categorized as a deep earthquakes which less likely to cause disaster on the surface. However, there was a possibility to cause casualties and damage loss, but it seems localized.

In fact, the report was true that there were no critical damage reports in the country's largest city. It was just frightened Yangon residents that dashed out from tall buildings, Buddhist shrine, housing complex and toppled objects or some trembling glasses.

The earthquake vibrated through several states in India, Bangkok, and several hundred kilometers away to the east, which also caused panic and building sway. But still, no reports of damage or casualties that mattered.
azmi23   
Aug 24, 2016
Writing Feedback / Some information about general feeling of happiness among citizens in the United States of America [4]

hi! i'd like to give an alternative and some correction. happy writing!

... feel more cheerful than the single one .

They whose children who is under 18 are the happiest, at 44 percent.
... low for the couples with kidschildren (i guess it is informal to write kids) aged 18 and under.

or there is an alternative :
The figure is considerably low for the couples who have children aged 18 and under.

azmi23   
Aug 24, 2016
Writing Feedback / How air circulation causes a waste of energy and heat in a house? Answer based on the diagram. [4]

Hi! overall, i really enjoy reading it in how you describe it. so informative and also compact. just a few mistake that i'd like to comment

Meanwhile, (don't forget the comma) the current flows inside ...

... the underside, the living centercentre , and the upper side.
However, the current is not able to fill in a control room betwe....

In contrary, the heat is released out of the building ...
... stack and chimney laid vertically that become themake a way for energy to out.
azmi23   
Aug 24, 2016
Writing Feedback / Students create a tool that turns cigarette smoke into oxygen [2]

so here is my summary from the jakarta post. do not hesitate to criticise! thanks..

source: thejakartapost.com/news/2012/07/10/students-create-a-tool-turns-cigarette-smoke-oxygen.html

"Creativity comes from a simple way through investigating surrounding". This notion might be describe an invention from Hermawan Maulana and Zihrama Afdi, high school student of SMA 3 Semarang. They could transform harmful cigarette smoke into breathable air, oxygen. He came with the idea that a smoking room always has less air circulation system. Therefore, they can magically conjure fumes that consist of carbon monoxide and carbon dioxide, into oxygen through an application called T-Box (Thunder Box). It is just two simple processes, first T-box 1 will absorb the smoke by absorber fan that can current 2,000 volts electricity from the components itself. The reaction of ozone which is produced by plasma (a name for the high voltage), and CO2 will produce ozone and oxygen. The compounds go toward filter room and will be absorbed by T-Box 2. Through the similar process, oxygen is produced and released back to smoking room.

Their brilliant invention led them to have gold medals at 2012 Bangkok International Exhibition for Young Inventors (IEYI). Beating 205 competitors from eight countries.
azmi23   
Aug 24, 2016
Writing Feedback / The Donation of a City Council to Book Clubs [3]

hi! here is my correction and some suggestions to make essay more dynamic. hope it good

The amount of money given was reached a peak in the year 3. I
... number of book club members was a slight decline /the number of book club member declined slightly . However, It was different with the number ...
... of book club members declined slightly, then but the next two years rose sharply.
azmi23   
Aug 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / Lava from Hawaii volcano cascades into sea in vivid display [3]

Here is my 8th summary from an article on The Jakarta Post.
Please give me some advises related to my writing. I found it is so hard to arrange complex sentence, even to paraphrase some materials to be more interesting and "my style" kind of thing. So do not hesitate to criticise!


On Monday, Augustus 8th, thousands of people worldwide gathered together to see the incredible hot bright-orange lava eruption at Kilauea, one of the world's most active volcanoes on Hawaii's Big Island where has not been showing its beauty for three years. The Kilauea's vent, Puu Oo, has begun to erupt in the 1980s periodically and since then formed 500 acres new landscape through the lava that spill toward the Pacific Ocean.

To get closer to seeing this phenomenon requires a boat, a chopper or strong legs since you have to hike on steeply seaside cliff. The outstanding show presented a crackles and hisses harmony as a result of hot fumes when heat meets seawater and sometimes audiences will be mesmerized by flying searing chunks formed by the explosion. However, visitors had been warned about the hazardous hydrochloric acid from the chemical reaction.

The Chilean said that he could sense the heat, even smelled the "super funny" scent. Moreover, it was one of a kind experience compared to another plenty of volcanoes back home. Officials of Volcanoes National Park, where the venue was, recorded an increase by 1,000 to 1,500 visitors daily since the phenomenon occurred.
azmi23   
Aug 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / A girl who demanded right to school in her hometown - TED TALKS [5]

Hi Nina! i'd like to give some comments and suggestions for a better learning since me, myself is also still on struggling in writing. i hope it will be useful for you.

Kakenya Ntaiya shared heratry not to have repetitive wordsstory regarding her experience ...
From her opinion, education was a luxuryous gift since she (...) grow up just to be a mother. Unfortunately, it will seemingly to be the ubiquitous moment ...

... she astonishingly succeeded to pursue a higher education because ...
... attempted to persuade girls of Massai for sharpening ...
azmi23   
Aug 19, 2016
Writing Feedback / Indonesia marks Independence Day by sinking illegal ships [4]

Here is my summary from The Jakarta Post's article.
Please give me some critics and suggestions to train my skill on writing. Thanks!

Source: thejakartapost.com/news/2016/08/17/indonesia-marks-independence-day-by-sinking-illegal-ships-.html


How to celebrate Indonesia Independence Day? Susi Pudjiastuti has an answer!
Pudjiastuti, the Maritime and Fisheries Minister in the government of President "Jokowi", has sunk over than 200 illegal fishing boat since 2014 which meant to show our control in our vast archipelago. Unlike previous occasions which were broadcasted live, government will sink the vessels in "less sensational way" unrelatedly in its effort against illegal fishing. At such national celebration, she arranged the submergence in several places as Ranai, Batam, Tarempa, Kalimantan, Maluku, and Sorong in West Papua to thrust not only as artificial reefs, but also a powerful message to diminish the illegal fishing. The first scheme was to sink precisely 71 boats from Vietnam, Malaysia, and China, which same as the anniversary of national independence. Nevertheless, there were eight vessels that scuttled earlier on Monday in eastern ports. Another six were planned to be sunk in Pangandaran, southern coast of West java, therefore US and Norwergia will contribute to construct a museum of illegal fishing there.
azmi23   
Aug 19, 2016
Writing Feedback / TED talks: My underwater robot for ocean exploration. [4]

hi Kob! i have some corrections for you... i hope it helps

Such a ROV is an open-source which means we can be modifyiedit without restriction.
... 1,000 times cheaper than the underwater robot that was used infor exploring Titanic.
Due to lack of technology and money, they decided to ask inonthe internet, and they made web, namelyd openROV.
... people around the world were interested, and supported (...) produced ROV kits thatwhere people could build ...
azmi23   
Aug 19, 2016
Writing Feedback / TED : How tress talk each other [3]

Hi , maybe i'd like to give a try to give some suggestion.

Suzanne has investigated forest for over than 30 years.
... plastic bags for her experimental trees and then (...) for controlling method she used a replica without exposed any gases.
Different result reveled from the replica treesones . She did not find any sounds andtherefore she suggested those plants was not ...

and i suggest you to create sentence more effectively, for example " Suzanne, who has investigated forest for over than 30 years, used unique way ...."

happy writing!

azmi23   
Aug 18, 2016
Writing Feedback / Racial Inequality in U.K. Is Getting Worse, Report Finds [2]

It is a summary from TIME's article,
Written by : Tara John
Source:
time.com/4457090/ehrc-human-rights-race-inequality-uk/
So comments, critics, and suggestions are very welcome!

Some minorities in United Kingdom will face hate crime circumstances due to the effect of Brexit. Moreover, it is a "deep-rooted" issue that make it even worse. There were reports from British police in England and Wales that hate crimes had an enormous escalation at 57% incidents after the June 23 referendum. It affected to, not only the black community, but also the ethnic community which make them have no longer belonging in home, Modern Britain.

David Isaac, chair of Equality and Human Rights Commissions (EHRC) realized that deterrence effort to combat race inequality must be urged and doubled or racial tensions will rise inexorably.

There are several report that convince what ethnic minorities and black community are more likely to get in this issue; uniquitous treatment in criminal justice, less paid for graduates in employment, and high rate of unemployed, compared to white people. A new strategy has been constructed by British government to diminish racial inequality and to monitor progress also.
azmi23   
Aug 16, 2016
Writing Feedback / TED talks: Could we cure HIV with lasers? [3]

hi koba, here are some suggestion for you.

However, there is a big problem in HIV patient

Fortunately, there is a latest technology that we can deliver anti-HIV

but the final goal is to applyingit to human body.
azmi23   
Aug 16, 2016
Writing Feedback / Life: How Barbershop can Keep men Healthy [4]

hello, here are my suggestions.

For black men, barbershop is not only the only place that they can cut

but also a place to go for a friendship, solai darity and solace.

A place that where people can get away from their stress which was happenedwithfrom company problem, work assigment, etc.

Many people go to their favou rite barbershop to be relax by doing a chit-chat with the other visitors,
azmi23   
Aug 16, 2016
Writing Feedback / Mystery of déjŕ vu explained - it's how we check our memories [4]

Déjŕ vu has been a long run mystery due to the sudden vanish phenomenon that is caused by false calls memories of brain. However, Akira O' Connor and his research team revealed a new method to trigger déjŕ vu in the lab despite of the disagreement on the first speculation.

Hippocampus which is a part of brain related to memories was the first suspected to be active during the phenomenon, but it was not. In fact, the frontal sections was the main actor regarding probability of transmitting signal, while a conflict between truth reality and reality that we supposed to be true or called memory error was occur.

O' Connor said that those people who have a healthy head and good at memorizing occasions seemed to experience no déjŕ vu at all, because if there is no trigger to conflict memory system, there will be no déjŕ vu, but he cannot explain it by data yet. This phenomenon is more common in teenagers besides the reduced working of memory checking system through ageing.

So this is my fifth essay summary based on New Scientist's Article (newscientist.com/article/2101089-mystery-of-deja-vu-explained-its-how-we-check-our-memories/)
I was trying to improve my ability in complex sentence. So do not hesitate to criticize, thanks!
azmi23   
Aug 16, 2016
Writing Feedback / Intel Reinvents Itself to Stay King in a Changing World [3]

hi eka!
here are some suggestions and corrections for your essay.

In order to win that competitionachieve winning

it can build cheaper chips that can accelerate anyother modern technologyies

Also Intel costs 408 million US dollars for Nervana

This actions have been takingtaken to ensure that their Internet ...
azmi23   
Aug 16, 2016
Writing Feedback / Time Summary: China's Launch of a Quantum Satellite is a Major Step in the Space Race [3]

hi Jo! here are my several corrections. Always keep on spirit!

it is has been launched by China in Gobi desert
this movement ? becomes a big step to overcome the ...

Edward Snowden's revelation has been always as the moment ofa turning point orturning point in cyber security

although there are several uncertaintyies
azmi23   
Aug 15, 2016
Writing Feedback / The Refugee Olympic Team Now Has Its Own Flag and Anthem [5]

Pioneer of refugee team who participated in Rio Olympic Games, took part in parade opening celebration. A no-profit society called The Refugee Nation had an agree with artists to invent a flag and national anthem that will symbolized their identity and increase number of other refugee across the globe. But, Artur Lipori and Caro Rebello who are the chiefs of the organization said that they deserved more than just bright orange crossed horizontally by a single black band logo. That banner depicts the lifejacket that have been worn by refugees in a journey of peace, however Yara Said, who is the flag designer and a Syrian refugee also said that it was a powerful memory.

Said who started her journey into 9 different countries after graduated from Damascus University in 2014, said the notion to design the flag just came straight off her head. Although International Olympics Committee prohibits them to raise their symbol during the competition, The Refugee Nation has spread petition to contradict the rule.

This essay is a summary of WIRED's article (wired.com/2016/08/refugee-olympic-team-now-flag-anthem/)
azmi23   
Aug 12, 2016
Writing Feedback / The Perseid Meteor Shower Will Really Outdo Itself Tonight [2]

It's a summary of Wired's article from (wired.com/2016/08/perseid-meteor-shower-will-really-outdo-tonight/).
don't hesitate to give me some critics, thanks!

Stargazers devotee will be fascinated by once a year phenomenon in August. Perseid meteor shower will show its breathtaking scenery with doubled rate caused by outsized gravitational pull of Jupiter. Head of NASA's Meteorid Environment, Bill Cooke said that there are two aspects which affect gravitational bizarre, the sun and Jupiter despite of other complementary planets. In several times a century, historical record showed the fact of Jupiter orbit which passed debris field that made those dust trails moved closer to earth.

This 124,000 miles per hour outburst is constructed by space chunks of the broken Swift-Tuttle comet that streaks our solar system every 133 years. The flashes stream is the effect of burned chunks that hit the atmosphere, ordinarily called comet.

For those who interested to do stargazing should keep your eyes on wandering the sky in between midnight and dawn. Miserably, people who live in metropolitan city with high light pollution will face an obstacle. But, don't be a fuss because Marshall Space Flight Center will be airing the show.
azmi23   
Aug 12, 2016
Writing Feedback / Pandas Get to Know Their Wild Side [8]

hello, we have a similar article summary. i'd like to give several comments
here it goes...

According to the article, in the China there are (...) icon of China then now have become rarethey are classified to endangered animals due to rapid human growth so that the landhabitat for the giant panda began ...

The government says that there are several1864 species left in china is 1864 species in the wild in 2003. To cover with thesethis conditions , the government do insemination to stimulate the number of panda's bornbreed in China.