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Posts by hirani03
Name: HIKUMA HIRANI
Joined: Aug 14, 2016
Last Post: Oct 27, 2016
Threads: 36
Posts: 50  
Likes: 5
From: Indonesia
School: Smart ILC

Displayed posts: 86 / page 1 of 3
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hirani03   
Oct 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / COMMUNICATION ONLINE - people are now able to keep in contact with others by using their gadgets [3]

The questions:
What are the advantages of International communication online?
Are there any disadvantages to this?

compares to your explanation:
In my opinion, the benefits from this simplicity are greater than the drawbacks we receive.

It did not have correlation between your answer and the question. There are double questions while your answer did not accurate to the question. I seems like your explanation in the first paragraph suitable with this prompt.'Do you think its advantages will outweigh the disadvantages'

This is also happen in your conclusion. It means you have to understand the question before you start writing the essay.

Your explanation in the body paragraph 1 and 2 is already correct.

Keep writing and good luck.
hirani03   
Oct 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / The illustrations shows the process of generating electricity by using wind rotary motor [5]

The illustrationspictures show the process of...
Before you put the overall, you have to paraphrase the question. Make sure you mention all information of two pictures.

Overall, domestic turbine uses slower wind ...
In the overall, you have to describe interesting fact of both pictures.

The fastest wind blows, the highest energy produces.
This sentence is not common, you can replace it become'The faster wind blows, the higher energy produces.'It has same meaning and more common.
hirani03   
Oct 10, 2016
Writing Feedback / The best solution for traffic congestion and pollution is raising the tax of the private car [2]

Increasing the price of petrol is the best way to solve growing traffic and pollution problems.
To what extend do you agree or disagree?
What other measures do you think might be effective?


Traffic congestion and its pollution are the big problems in the city. Some people believe that it can be solved by inclining the price of petrol. I disagree with this statement. I think, the best solution to this problem is raising the tax of the private car.

In the capital city, the citizens compete to have their private car. As the consequence, traffic congestion and its pollution are growing rapidly. To reduce this tendency, the government of New York increased the price of petrol. According to the America Today Newspaper in 2012, stated that raising the cost of petrol was not effective in New York. It just reduced below 3 percent of utilizing private car. The wealthy class could reach the new price of petrol. The inhabitants did not leave their car to use the public transportation. However, improving the car tax is the best way to terminate congestion and pollution.

The increasing of private car tax became twice than the first tax makes the car owner complicated. It is because they have to expend much money on it while their other necessity also required money. As the result, they will move to use public transportation and sell their car. The volume of vehicle in main road of the city declines automatically. It happened in Singapore, five years ago. A research which conducted by National University of Singapore stated that improving the tax of private car became twice had already diminished 34 percent of traffic jam there.

In conclusion, increasing the cost of petrol is not really effective to reduce the traffic congestion and its pollution in the capital city. To solve this problem effectively, it can be carried out by raising the tax of private car. It can be a suggestion to the government in order to solve this problem.
hirani03   
Oct 10, 2016
Writing Feedback / In the making-cement process materials which consisted of limestone and clay are crushed [NEW]

The Steps of Making-Cement Process and The Concrete Production

The diagrams reveal the steps of cement-making process and the way to produce concrete concentration for building purposes. In the cement production, there are six steps which contain two main materials. In concrete production, it uses four primary materials in which gravel takes a half of the compositions. All of the materials are mixed in concrete mixer.

In the first stage, cement materials which consisted of limestone and clay are crushed. The powder is the result of this phase. After that, the powder is mixed and then continues to the rotating heater. Afterwards, the powder is heated and ground. Here, the cement is already produced. The last step is packaged. Finally, the cement is ready to sell.

Concrete production consists of four main materials. They are 50 percent of gravel composition, which is addicted 15 percent cement, 10 percent water, and 25 percent sand. All of the materials are mixed in the concrete mixer. After that, the definite product is ready to use for building purposes.




hirani03   
Oct 10, 2016
Writing Feedback / TED Summary : Let's Teach for Mastery by Sal Khan [11]

Salman Khan criticizescriticized the traditional academic model when the teacher givesgave many homework to students(full stop .)and teacher judgejudged the student based on the score they getgot. In real life, the traditional academic model iswas unacceptable. For example, when a contractor givesgave an order to the workers forto build a foundation, (...) the best result (comma ,) the contractor just givegave a bad score to them.

... traditional academic model constructsconstructed a pyramid society, (...) the pyramid (comma ,) there are were many people ...
In the middle of the pyramid (comma ,) itis consisted of information processing ...
... many people have access to the information but the majority ....
... how to operate a technology or do something aspirational things.
hirani03   
Oct 10, 2016
Writing Feedback / Mott Hall Bridges Academy opened in 2012 that have simple target: open a school to close a prison [5]

Hello Mathew8 :)

... opened in 2012 that havehad simple target: ...
It is was located in the Brownsville section of Brooklyn,...
In the early opening, they facefaced numerous of challenges like hard in finding teacher who (...) and neighborhood gangs that recruitrecruitedchildernchildren as early as fourth grade.

.., they just have had 45 children who wantwanted to join in this school. Some studentstudents in thsthis school havehad different goalgoals such as bebeing engineers, scientists, ...

... struggle process, they havehad had three graduating classes, a a 98 per cent graduating rate. It makemade this school going to some ...
hirani03   
Oct 10, 2016
Writing Feedback / TED Reviews: The simple Cure for Loneliness by Baya Voce [4]

Hello Yonathan :)

Baya said once that loneliness is (...) feel disconnected,(full stop).L oneliness is a public health crisis which affected on one of five American peoples. people. (remember, people already plural, so you do not need to add 's')

... the loneliness and fellfeeling connected with other (...), and valued ourselves his self and it can be ...
... the religious practice but alsoas something that we ...

Many peoplespeople with same hobby or (...) with other people and(full stop) . ritual can expand ourpeople capacity for ...
hirani03   
Oct 4, 2016
Writing Feedback / The Internet Effects Based on Social Networking [3]

Internet-based social networking sites are designed to help bring people together. However, they have a negative effect on the way we communicate with one another.

Do you agree or disagree?


The existence of social media networking site helps people to be closed each other. It can be used for sharing condition by using update room known as status in Facebook. However, I cannot utterly agree with this initiative issue, since it has disadvantages in the way community interacts such as being impolite.

One of the most popular social networks is Facebook. The availability of updating condition by users in Facebook brings citizen interconnected. In my experience in 2015, I could know the progress of my sister's condition in Indonesia after surgery by reading her update status in Facebook, even though at the time I was in Singapore. When I had a leisure time, I would leave several comments there such as questions that I wanted to know, some jokes to entertain her, and sometime I gave her quote of motivation to support her health recovery. After I came back to home, I felt that I had already closer to my sister than before. Although Facebook makes me feel close to my sister, another social network, Instagram, had ever become a problem between me and my student.

Interaction which is using social site as the media also has negative impacts. When someone become closer each other, sometimes it breaks a limit of politeness. This happened in the early of January this year, when one of my students chatted me on Instagram. He asked me about the exercise in my class, and then he also talked to me about his problem in completing it. When I gave him ethereality, he suddenly became less polite and dispassionate to my subject. He also commented to my post which did not respect to me as his teacher.

In conclusion, using social media have two contrary sides. The facility of interactions among users on one hand, help people to be familiar while in another one, it can make people less polite in attitudes.
hirani03   
Oct 4, 2016
Writing Feedback / The outcome of observation on the relationships among employees with their manager and partnerships [2]

... about the relationship ofamong employees with their manager and partnerships inboth year , 2005 and 2009 and itwhich is measured isin percent.

... relationship with their supervisor,andwhile a few employees do ...
While, Communication between labour (...) shows the same proportion as ...

... relationship between workers and manager atis 61% in 2005(You may vary it by mentioning 'in the first period') . Then, 2009 experienced increased steadilya steady increase to 65%.

On the other hand, in 2005(You may vary it by mentioning 'in the initial year') , many respondents have had very good relationship (...) in 2009, it takestook place in the first position. There are were at 63% in 2005, and ...
hirani03   
Oct 4, 2016
Writing Feedback / Ghosts and Poltergeists: more common than you think? [2]

... by some people causing the negative energies phenomenonenergy phenomenons ; such as heard ...

However, the ghost cases already appearappeared since (...) and the story clearly told with every single clear detailevery single detail.

His letter reportsreported about their sailing ...

... haunt particular location rather than a person.
.., vague shape, and clear image of a person.
hirani03   
Sep 25, 2016
Writing Feedback / The Survey of Electronic Commerce in Four Main Parts In New Zealand During a Decade [2]

The pie charts reveal the different data about the percentage of four retail sectors in online sales during a decade in New Zealand. The survey was obtained in 2003 and in 2013. Overall there were four types of electronic commerce, which were in both years, only one part had more than a-third of total proportion. Those two points were online dealing of travel part and film/music area.

The more percentage of online deals was travel in 2003. It took 36 percent but decreased to 29 percent in the recent years. This overtook by the proportion of online transactions in film/music which was coming third before getting a sharp increase of 12 percent in 2013 and then became the top quantity.

Between 2003 and 2013, a dramatic decrease was seen in the percentage of selling clothes by online, from 24 percent to 16 percent. This was changed from second rank to the latest proportion in the next decade. It contrasted to the selling book which was the least in the first year but became the third after gaining addition 3 percent in the next ten years.




hirani03   
Sep 25, 2016
Writing Feedback / Summary TED: Your Body is My Canvas [6]

Hi, let me land you a hand.

1. Painting is the kind of art that usually paintedpaints the object on the canvas.
But, there is a new method that painted directly paint can be used directly on top of the object and physically on surface of the object.

2. Acrylic painting made human as the object of painting.

3. It skipskipped the canvas, so it need needed to paint all of the body of object:the body objectssuch as ear, feet, orcloothcloth that used by object.

And make it fully covered object's body with ink.

4. In this way, it be was able to take a three-dimensional scene and make it looked like a two-dimensional painting.

5. That is why she havehad an idea to combine people directly into paintingspainting process.
hirani03   
Sep 25, 2016
Writing Feedback / There is no doubt that everybody wants to be a famous person. Not everything is so great though. [5]

Hello, lemme land you a hand.
1. The reason for this is they will be alwayswill always be on news.
2. ... and keep reporting theirthemon each activity.
3. ... a famous individual is itself an honor and proud feeling itself .
4. This is because,(no needs comma ) youths of their country (...) like travelling, medication etc(you may change it becomes "many more") for them.
hirani03   
Sep 5, 2016
Writing Feedback / The beautiful skin color of human [2]

This is a summary from TED video. The title is the beauty of human skin in every color which had presented by Angélica Dass.

The speaker was born in the very various skin colors. Before she entered to the school, she had no problems with her skin. Angelica found skin as something different when her friends in the school prefer to be friends of white skin. At the time, she was already conscious that hers was different. It condition occurred for long time. It made her want to do something to abolish people mind about different color.

As a photographer, she conducted pictures from societies. She photograph people face until their shoulder. Then, she edited the background according to their skin color. After that, Angelica collected many photos in one printed banner. Next step, the banner put in the public area. It was a beginning for citizen to aware about the uniqueness of body skin, about the beauty color skin.

That was the beginning of people changing their mind set about other unique color. By this method, Angelica already saved many children who have the same problem with her when she was in the school period.
hirani03   
Sep 5, 2016
Writing Feedback / Invest more resources in young people [5]

Young generation has a saya role in the destiny of a nation. While Iothers agree that they (...) uncertainly guarantees in the long - term ...

On the one(It is common using other not one)other hand, nurturing young generation ...
Therefore, they would easily to come up with new ...

... might have several risks if governments(government is uncountable noun)government does not wisely invest in the young. Owing to being too young, they ...

... suggestion that governments should invest resources in right subjects ...
... job orientation workshops, which guidingguiding students to find out ...
hirani03   
Sep 4, 2016
Writing Feedback / The tables display two communication factors which are needed in occupations. [3]

The tables display two communication factors which needed in occupations. The survey carried out in 1997 and 2006. Overall, selling product or service was the only one interaction skill that fell slightly while the maximum rise was listening carefully to colleagues.

In 1997, the highest percentage of essential skill in external communication was dealing with people. It took 60 percent whereas in internal dealing was 38 percent in listening carefully to colleagues. Nine years later, both skills were steady increase and still become the greatest factors. The top competence of external communication increased by 5 percent and the internal one rose by 9 percent.

Selling product or service was the exception which decreased. On the other hand, the figure of listening carefully to group saw dramatic jump, from nearly 40 percent to 47 percent. In contrast, making speeches or presentations was the least percentage. It was under 10 percent in the first survey then inclined slowly in the next overview.




hirani03   
Sep 4, 2016
Writing Feedback / The Positive and Negative Impact of Electronic Media in Human Relationship [2]

The use of electronic media has a negative effect on personal relationship between people.
To what extend do you agree or disagree?


Electronic media facilitate people to communicate easily. It makes user close each other. Some communities believe that gadget can give negative impact to the consumers. In my opinion, the positive sides of those tools are more than that.

The modern product of technology, such as phone and email, can make people addicted in it. Inhabitants will uncommon without gadget in their hand. Besides that, they can easy to communicate to anyone. As the consequence, it can be the beginning of conflict between persons in relationship. For example, when someone frequently contact to somebody else, the couple might be envy. By this condition, the conflict between them is able to appear. However, there are a lot of advantages of electronic media.

The necessity for communication caused people buying smart phones. The existence of sophisticated feature brings user happy to operate it. For instance, the readiness of video call in gadget makes community can meet directly in the screen. The distance between two individuals then disappears instantly. They can share whatever they want in telephone, like imparting knowledge; communicate feeling, and sharing news and so on. In addition, electronic media is able to make people in touch. In relationship, even though father lives apart from their son, he can use cell phone to contact him. They can chit chat and know the condition mutually. In my opinion, electrical product is also able to render approximately several problems.

All in all, electronic media in relationship has sides, positive side and negative impact. However, the benefit impression is larger than disadvantages. A wise discretion is needed in using it.
hirani03   
Sep 4, 2016
Writing Feedback / Performing Business Is Not About Money Oriented [2]

The purpose of businesses is to make money and they should concentrate only on this.
Do you agree or disagree?


Some people choose to be businessman in their life. There is an opinion that entrepreneur must focus on money. However, I believe that performing business is not only about money oriented.

The business is always started with enough money as the fund. It might be the reason for people who believe that their fund should return as soon as possible. It can cause the businessman calculate the income and outcome specifically. The achievement should cover the turned fund and profit, including salary for the employees, so that the commerce can succeed. When the fund does not envelope all of that aspects, the trade can be bankrupt. However, this is not the one and only of the concentration of trade.

Consumer necessity is the first consideration of commerce. The business can continue when the product or the service which offered is needed by citizen. For instead, people who lived around the pole area, certainly they do not need air conditioning, so do not sell air conditioning there. In addition, the entrepreneur also must pay attention of the quality of the product. The satisfaction of consumers should also take the producer concentration. When the buyer disappointed with the product superiority, they will move to other products. In contrast when they are enjoying the things, they will buy more and it brings pleated profit. Another thing that must be focused is the prosperity of employees, so that they can happy to do their jobs.

The purpose of business is gaining money. In conducting commerce, money is not the most concentration of the owner. The need of shopper, the product quality and the prosperity of worker are essential to considerate.
hirani03   
Sep 4, 2016
Writing Feedback / In modern era, sophisticated gadgets adapt human interconnection in the word [3]

... every person focusfocuses on their electronic media ...

... electronic media gives more advantages for human relation.

The sophisticated gadget helps the human to interact with others efficiently and easily.
... gadget helps human to relate with others.
... because they cannot talk directly with others.

In the paragraph above, you have mentioned 'others' three times. You may vary by using 'anyone or everyone'.
hirani03   
Sep 4, 2016
Writing Feedback / The way heat lost and energy disappears in house [2]

The diagram illustrates the way heat lost and energy disappears because of the air leaking out and leaking into house of two floors. Overall, the method of air comes to the house has more access than the air goes out from home.

There are many processes of air enter to house. In the basement, two rooms are founded. The fresh air is sourced from dryer vent and wall ventilation. The living center was the most producer of wind in the residence. There are three chambers here. The first room is toilet. The air-stream is produced by electrical outlet. In the middle room, the window, floor tile and door are places where the breeze goes through. The last chamber is kitchen. The air is come from wall and window.

The place where air leaked out is in the roof section. In the left side, wind is gone from bathroom fan vent and recessed light. Attic hatch is the area where atmosphere leaved in the middle side. Here is the highest air is removed. The right part of this room put out the weather is recessed light in the upper of chase.




hirani03   
Sep 2, 2016
Writing Feedback / The Influence of smart appearance of employees compared with their quality [2]

Some organisations believe that their employees should dress smartly. Others value quantity of work above appearance.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.


Some companies require their employees to use a smart view to give reflection that the corporation has the excite staff. On the other hand, others presume that the quality of workers is more essential. However, I personally believe that the appearance must be suitable with the job and capacity is the number one of value.

Every corporation has its own roles. Some of them need the special style as the statement. This is happened in the staff or employees of organization. It is aimed to put first impression from public that they are smart as well as their fashion. I think the look is not the only one which can reflect their ability. It is contras with art worker. They think the independence of dressing up is absolute. They can enjoy to work by using casual clothes. However, the wise person suggests to do not judge people by its cover. I totally agree with this statement. I put appearance point after quality.

There are three main points that can indicate someone quality. The first is knowledge. It is about the ability of the employees who are more oriented to the intelligence and power think of employee. The second is skill. It concerns to operational and technical capabilities. The last one is ability. It relates to personal talent. Someone can be called great one when they have several abilities such as the capability to solve problems, to finish job on time and can handle many duties in the same time.

All in all, the perception about someone does not determine from their look. However, someone quality is the main point which takes attention from people.
hirani03   
Sep 2, 2016
Writing Feedback / My summary task about social Networking [9]

Hello, you only have a little grammatical error.
I hope its help you. Thank you

... the social networking among the people of all the ages.

... networking gives advantage and disadvantage to usersyou can paraphrase it becomes (applier). . Avoid similar words.

The upside is to ease to connect with friends, ...

IT IS BETTER TO MAKE TWO PARAGRAPH.

Keep writing.
hirani03   
Sep 2, 2016
Writing Feedback / Is it essential to pay too much cost for fashion? [4]

Some people decide to start their own business instead of working for a company or organisation. Do the advantages for people working for their own business outweigh the disadvantages?

Some people think that human life is always related to lifestyle. As a result, they compete to be fashionable even if it cost much money. Others think it is not essential to purchase highly on it. I personally believe that we can continue our life without paying too much for the trendsetter and following it.

Some societies think that fashion reflect body statement. They value their self that becoming fashionable is important. That is the reason they are consenting to pay expensive items. Their style can be influenced by celebrity. They do not doubt the price then as far as they can be like their favorite figure. Others say high cost is acceptable because it is adequate with the quality. In my opinion, dealing with high cost of fashion item is not really notable.

The branded products of influence person, like celebrity or fashion designer, are sold more expensive than the similar product but not branded. It is not essential. One thing that must be considered is become a wise person in using money. The quality is important but not all quality products are sold in branded store. In addition, not for all new fashion items are suitable for everyone. So, when people want to follow the new trend, they must focus on the conformity of that appearance to their self.

All in all, fashion can influence to someone view, but it is better to think and aware about agreement to someone looks. It is because the fashion sometimes is made only for special community.
hirani03   
Sep 2, 2016
Writing Feedback / For over years, people always been paid attention on their look while working. [3]

For over years,(The sentence cannot start from FANBOYS) people always been paid ...
..., there are many tutorialtutorials for using a good suit ...
Consumers will attractedattract to them and decided to buy/ geror get service from their enterprise.
... and smile nicely, so customer will be pleased with them.

In your close statement, there is no conclusion.You only put your own opinion. However, to end the writing task 2, you must pay attention to give conclusion.

Nice writing :)
hirani03   
Sep 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / It Is Better to be An Entrepreneur than a worker of company. [3]

Write about the following topic.
Some people decide to start their own business instead of working for a company or organization. Do the advantages for people working for their own business outweigh the disadvantages?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.


Having a job is one of human necessary in life. There are many jobs as the options. People can be employee or entrepreneur as long as they are ready to receive the consequence. I believe that become businessmen outweigh any drawbacks.

When someone has special skills, he / she can creates an own business. It needs much money to start it. They must be brave to execute the idea and to carry out the business. They have to ready with all possibilities which may occur. Besides that, it takes big responsibility. All of decisions must be considerable, clear, and rational. Once it contains a mistake, it can be fatal. The business suddenly can be bankrupt. On the other hand, becomes businessman has several points in its favor.

The first benefit to be entrepreneur is becomes a leader of company. It means there are several staff and employees. The skill of leadership is surely excellent. To pay the worker need a skill especially in money management. This also means the leader already independence on financial. Besides that, the chief of factory is certainly competence in many aspects such as in training the assistance or new comers, know the condition of enterprise, and know the necessary of workers. In addition, the entrepreneur is open minded one. She or he has the way to solve trouble, include intern or extern problem of the company, and having a wonderful decision to give solution for every side.

All in all, posses own business is more benefit than become a worker of company. However, it is better to pay the salary of staff than earn much money from factory.
hirani03   
Sep 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / Happiness Percentages for Married and Unmarried, and How Happy Having Children in US [2]

The charts below show the results of a survey on happiness ratings for married and unmarried people in the US and the effect of children on overall rating of married couples. Summaries the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

There are two bar charts related to happiness percentages in US. The first shows the pleasure of people before and after married. The second picture illustrates how happy married couple in having children based on three categories. However, people who married is happier than single one, while having children under 18 year old is the happiest rate.

People who married in 18-29 years old are the happiest category. It took 45 percent in percentages. It is contrast with people who got married in age between 50 and 64. This was the least happiness. Overall, the percentages of married are around 40 percent and more. But, people who did not marry, the maximum proportions are only 34 percent. They cannot more pleasure than married one. While the least is the category of 18-29 years old have the same proportion with the 65 and over years old. It was 21 percent.

In the other hand, the effect of having children under 18 years old is the gladdest parent. The calculation was the uppermost. That was approximately 45 percent. The least grouping is married couple who have children more than 18 years old. The percentage was 41, different with the third category that did not have children in their life. They are more enjoying than the second criteria.




hirani03   
Sep 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / The correlation between happiness and marriage status in the US [4]

... level of happiness on married people based on the children they have.It's not about how many children they have but how old years their children is .

... married people are twice happier than the otherothers who are unmarried.
... also have the happiness ratings nearly the same as the otherothers who have children ...

All age groups of married people ...
... while the unmarried group at 65 years ...
Then, married group who have children under ... You have mentioned group 4 times. avoid repetition. you may use category or criteria.
hirani03   
Aug 30, 2016
Writing Feedback / Celebrity Life or Inspiring Personal Life? [2]

Write about the following topic.
The media pay too much attention to the lives and relationship of celebrities such as actors, singers or footballers. They should spend more time reporting the lives of ordinary people instead.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.


Celebrity life always is close to the sensations. As the result, public give more attention to it. The most news is about relationship between them. Media will report the issue for long time. However, I believe reporting the life of ordinary people who has influenced to others is more essential.

Life as public figure makes society interested to them. People want to know whatever and whenever about them. This curiosity effects to what media report. Media mass will compete each other to gain information about booming actors, singers or footballers. The celebrity relationship will be the most favorite things to share. When the news got big attention from public, social media will be dominated by it gossip. For example, the actor and actress who play in the same film, then they are looked match each other, citizen will catch a sensation that they must be in relationship. It suddenly becomes hot news in many social media. Every day in several days, the headline will be monotone, always about them. As the consequence, it formulates no more private area of the celebrities. However, reporting the influence person in society life is more valuable.

There are many struggles of ordinary people in life. They fight in quietness. Even though they are not having exposed, some of their life story can be inspiration for the citizen. Their story is worthy to be reported. For example is the life of activist. Activists certainly already dedicated their selves to society environment. They give big impact to build the community become productive. Their competence to solve problem and to be existed in society is something that can inspire citizen.

In conclusion, too much report about public figure social life is not essential to show. Community only needs the main topic of them, not all aspect of celebrity must be shared. It is better to impart the inspiring people life in mass media.
hirani03   
Aug 30, 2016
Writing Feedback / Citizens obligation and business cooperation - "Only large companies can improve environment" [2]

Hi Erpin92

The firms could maintain the employees' life ...
Therefore, the waste of factory could not flow to the river. Besides that, the firms could raise public awareness ...
By making this advertising,it(need subject) can attract people to keep ...
YOU HAVE MENTIONED 'COULD' FOR THREE TIMES. YOU MAY VARY IT WITH 'BE ABLE TO' SO THAT YOUR SUMMARY HAS VARIATION WORDS.

There are(needs verb) several ways that the people ...

Thank you
hirani03   
Aug 30, 2016
Writing Feedback / The Design of a Wave-Energy Machine and Its Best Location [3]

The diagrams below show the design for a wave-energy machine and its location.
Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, making comparison where relevant.

There are two diagrams about the design of a wind turbine and it best position to put. The materials include blades which can be fiber glass or wood, wind sensor, generator, steel tower and computer to get the information from sensor adjust blades include direction and angle.

The first picture shows the process of wind turbine produce energy. The steel tower is located around the shoreline. In the top of the tower, it is existed blades. When the wind was flowed, it will be spin. It will produce energy to the generator. As the result, the electricity is gained 1.5 megawatts. Wind sensor then detects the speed and direction of wind and its information will send to the computer.

The wind turbine can be optimum in working when it is placed in the right position. According to the second diagram, the wind turbine will be worked optimum when it is placed in the high position around the sea. It can give twice output then the turbine which existed in the domestic turbine. The maximum wind is the most strength in the high level than in the sea or in the domestic turbine.




hirani03   
Aug 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / The Percentage of The New Teachers in The Usual Teaching Jobs [4]

The line chart presents information about the percentage of regular teaching jobs in the first-year experience according to teacher graduation year. The period was conducted from 2001 to 2007. Overall, it can be seen that English-language teachers and French-Language teachers on the first term almost started in the same percentage, but it ended in the extremely different points.

In 2001, percentage of someone who teaches French was 70 percent while English teacher was more than that percentage. In the next year, both of criteria experienced a large downward, in contrast with the following time. The English-language educators increased slightly nevertheless another criteria was steady fell. This was the starting point of the alteration for the next year.

Started from 2003 to 2005, both categories inclined slowly. After that time, French-language teacher rose rapidly compared with the other criteria dropped significantly. English-language educators fell into the deep decrease and French-language educators were a gradual fluctuation.
hirani03   
Aug 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / In the modern era, most people argue if impressive constructions are essential for a city [3]

Hello Fadhilahumar91

Most people argue ifthat impressive construction are ...
... government should be spent of much money to improve...
There are advantage and disadvantage for both of these views.

It can be popular tourism fromdestination for tourists from other countries. For example, Eiffel in ItalyParis is a one of popular construction ...
However, wonderful building is not enough to (...) facilities for citizen are more important too. The government should be spentspend much money to improve...
It is about societies comfortable place to live. The government should be ensure education and healthy for their citizen
... congestion in city center and alsoeverymany people in hurry. The condition is not supported to make comfortable tourismtourist destinationfor tourist . In conclusion, the government should be construct a good facilitiesfacility for public before build ...
hirani03   
Aug 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Metamorphosis of Silkworm and Process of Producing Silk Cloth [3]

There are two diagrams which related to produce silk. The first figure illustrates the metamorphosis of silkworm. The second picture elucidates the process of producing silk cloth. Overall, both illustrations use the cocoon as main point.

In the first life cycle of silkworm, it is started from the female silkworm producing eggs in mulberry leaf. After that, in 10 days later, eggs would become larva. Then, the larva ate the leaf of mulberry. While they ate, they also create silk thread to cover their bodies. It took 4-6 weeks, when the bodies were almost closed by silk thread. When larva ate more leaf, 3-8 days later, all of their body will be covered by silk thread. It is identified as cocoon. In the next 16 days, cocoon could become a moth. This complete process called metamorphosis.

In cocoon stage, there can be an interrupt process, when coon took as material to create silk cloth. This is shown in second picture. It is begun from selecting the quality of coon. Then it will be boiled into waters. The boiled step will be stopped when the size of cocoon bigger into twice than before. The next process is unwinding. This step is taken line in cocoon. The string can be 300-900 metres. Finally, line is twisted into dye or it can be dye after the line weaved.



  • Metamorphosis of Silkworm and Process of Producing Silk Cloth
hirani03   
Aug 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / How to produce silk cloth and silkworm life cycle, IELTS task 1 [3]

Corrections for your summary :)

Paragraph 2
The process to be a silkworms is beganare begun from eggs which ...
... larva which is mulberry leavesleaf as foods and place of living. Next stage is larvaelarva transformed to be a larvae in silk thread for ...

After that those is are becoming cocoons and finally to be a young silkworms after 16 days.

Paragraph 3
The stage of silk cloth production is began begun when ...
ThatThose process are select, boil, ...
Then, thosethis is unwind throughout ...
hirani03   
Aug 27, 2016
Letters / The cover letter for Audit Recruiment / Tax and Advisory Recruiment [5]

Hello chomchom.
These are several corrections for you.

I amhave very impressed with the aim ...
I found that this is the environment which will hel p me to develop myself ...
For this reason, I am writingwrote to you to nominate myself as a candidate to compete for this position.

I am studinglearn ACCA F3 by myself and I wish I can get ACCA ...

... under pressure, and have responsbilityresponsibility .
Additionally, I also have a good communication skills , such as good at English ...
Attached with this cover letterWith this cover letter, I attachedis my resume which would detail you regardingregard you detail of my abilities and qualification.
hirani03   
Aug 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Children attitude depends on parents or teacher? [3]

Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the place to learn this.

Discuss both these views and give your opinion.
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Write at least250 words.


Most people believe that children attitude is responsibility of parents. While others think school think that school is the place to shape the children manners. However I stand in both of sides, but it cannot be separated from the role of government.

Whole life of children is spent with their family. Before they are growing into the school age, all of kid activities are supervised by blood relation. They did not know everything since they were borne. The parents took roles of this. Parent, father and mother should explain the way how to be a good one. However, in the society, there is belief that children outlook reflect of their father and mother value. Public will give more attention to the impolite kids. For example, at the time children accustomed to talk the big voice, it gave information that their family is a kind of arrogant one.

In other hand, the role of teacher in enlightening the way to be a good member of society is also essential. They can start to describe which one is great manner or not, explaining the society like or dislike. In my country, there is a subject that takes role of this responsibility. It called 'kewarganegaraan'. It means citizenship. Teacher gives material about morals and social behavior.

However, another side which takes role of children manners is government. Government should make a foundation that arranges the way of becoming polite and great life in society. Also government must supervise the public attitude. When they made a crime, they have to be in law.

In conclusion, the way to make children become immense in society. There are three elements that have roles of it. They must be corporate in explaining and supervising the children attitude. All of elements are very close in kids' life.
hirani03   
Aug 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / School and parent, two important things that influence character of children [5]

Hi ashelarisa48. I hope the corrections helping you.

Some people believe that (need subject)it is the parent's responsibility ...

... give a big influence to children. it is better to vary by using pronoun 'them'.

... teach them what should they do and what should not do , how to act polite and ...

Certainly, it should be done together in collaboration.(redundancy. together and collaboration have same meaning)
hirani03   
Aug 26, 2016
Writing Feedback / The Roles of Parents and Teachers in Controlling Diet for Children [5]

The existence of unhealthy diet influences the lifestyle of children. The strong taste and the easiness to find it make them enjoy it. This has become a problem that needs to solve by parties which is directly related to the young generations. The sides are included both parents and teachers.

Most of children life has spent with their parents. It means parents have important influence to the kids. The first education is also gotten from the family and the eldest one must be great enough in sharing information about healthy diet. The information can be originated from father, mother and elder siblings. They can start their sharing from the explanation about the meaning of unhealthy food, then talking about the existence harmful ingredients, and describe the risk of eating the less healthy diet. In addition, parents can supply kid's food for their mealtime.

In the other hand, the role of teachers is also essential. Start from childhood period to teenager period, the young people get through their life in school. They spend much time in breakfast and lunch in the school. Although parents already provide food provisions, the awareness of eating healthy diet must be built in school. The teacher can give explanation to students more complete by using science language, related to body impact, especially in biology subject. Teachers can oversee the diet which is consumed by pupils during mealtime while control the foodstuff in canteen.

In conclusion, both of parents and teacher have involved the children lifestyle, mainly in eating. They can be the example for them avoiding consume unhealthy food.

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