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Posts by ryan31
Name: Riandi
Joined: Sep 15, 2016
Last Post: Dec 2, 2016
Threads: 65
Posts: 96  
Likes: 15
From: indonesia
School: unj

Displayed posts: 161 / page 3 of 5
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ryan31   
Oct 30, 2016
Writing Feedback / Why agricultural land become less productive? The highest total land degradation is in Europe [2]

hai reski
I have some suggestions for you
I hope it helps

... agricultural land of worldwide, while The table gives information about (avoid repetition in one paragraph) illustrates the number of land degradation ...

Overall, it can be seen that there ... <<< [b]( the complex sentence is followed by V1)[/b] causes of agricultural land becomes less productive (...) degradation for 3three regions are Europe.

... over-grazing which is causes of less ...

The second reasonswhere is the first reason ? which cause of worldwide...

On the other hand, there was the biggest percentage of total .

there is so many which in your essay try to avoid using same words or we called it paraphrase

thanks
good job
keep writing
ryan31   
Oct 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / Highest cost of housing in United States and lowest for transportation in Japan - Bar Chart [2]

Hello mem
here is my suggestions for you
hope it helps

... on five different needs in 4FOUR developed countries in 2009.

Furthermore, THE United States predominated ...

... it was the last position inON housing.

Turning to the internal comparison among the needs in every country , Japan and United Kingdom becom.
... had the highest rate onOF (PREPOSITION) transportation, but they ...
... spent their budget for such category.ANOTHER CATEGORY.

thanks
best regards,
ryan31   
Oct 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / Proportion of money spent on junk food, statistics from 1970 to 1990 [3]

The bar chart illustrates the proportion of money spent on junk food by different income in 1990, while the trend of fast food consumption from 1970 to 1990 in the United Kingdom is presented in the line graph. Overall,except the low level earnings, all rates of income most spent their money on hamburger. In this case, during two decades, hamburger and fish experienced an increase, but pizza saw a reduction.

Comparing the rates of revenue, the expenditure on hamburger predominated in the high-level earnings at more than 40. THIS was followed by pizza at 19, while the lowest rate was seen in fish and chips at approximately 17. Similarly, hamburger still showed its superiority for those earning average and therefore occupied the first place at 32, whereas 25 and around 10 were recorded in fish and chips and pizza respectively. Eventually, people who had low revenue more spent their money on fish whereas the less marked figure was seen in the other fast food.

Turning to the line graph, in 1970, more people consumed pizza, but this decreased slightly by 100 after a decade. meanwhile, having a small proportion initially, both hamburger and pizza saw a gradual decrease in 1980. Then, their figures, at the end of the year showed a stable trend. While pizza remains unchanged at just over 100, a considerable increase by more than double witnessed in the figure for fish and chips. A gradual growth was often seen in hamburger at the year 1990.




ryan31   
Oct 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / Discussion of disposable society and some issues that are around us everyday. [2]

Hai hoat
it is a great essay
here is my suggestions for you
hope it works

IT Also from that THE positive change, (...) prefer throwing thingsSOMETHING away rather than (...) are some reasons that are attributed to this issue.

One of the main points that causes this problemPROBLEM CAUSES is the appearance (...) that are advertised attracttivelyattractive to everybody, and people ...

For example: << USING COMMA Iphone6 were sold more than 10 million onIN the first week after showing in THE market,

... more products for improving THEIR quality of life and ...
... which are associated with THE low cost that IT attracts consumers and easily becA me antique after a short time-using.time using

... knowledge of protecting THE environment and (...) we throw away everydayevery day seems to be useless ...

To summarize, throwing thingsSOMETHING away than reusing (...), which wouldBE absolutely be existed in the next generation.

thanks

best regards,
ryan31   
Oct 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / The majority of news being reported is bad news such as wars, famines, accidents, and crime [3]

hai sydney
it is a great essay
let me try to give you some advice
hope it helps

Human lives have more developed, so the mattersthe problem about knowing ...

s]So if much hot news, so many people will care and read.

Most of the people like watching television, for both children and adults.
Thus, if television has only programs <<< you use only so I think it is singular
about bad things, bad news such as wars ...

that will be create negative influences to both mentally ...

... more passive programmings likesuch as educational programs...
These will bring a balance ofon both good and bad ...

thanks
ryan31   
Oct 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / Diverging trends in the shares of money spent on five different items in four countries [2]

The graph gives the information about the proportion of money spent on five different items in 2009 and it is measured in the percentage. Overall, except Japan, all countries spent their household budget on housing.

Comparing the countries, it is found that the United States showed it is superiority on both housing and healthcare at 26 and 7 percent, but it was the least spender on clothing and food. Meanwhile, Japan predominated on food but was the lowest on transportation, at the same time, Canada witnesses the highest rate among all in clothing at 5 and transportation at 20 whereas it is an expense on housing was the least.

Turning to health care and clothing, United States dominated it is expenditure on health care at 7%. This following by Canada and Japan having the same proportion while the lowest position was occupied by the UK. Meanwhile, all countries had a less marked difference on healthcare and the domination was seen in Canada figure.




ryan31   
Oct 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / The number of people reading books by men and women [4]

The line graph gives information about the number of people reading book at Burnaby Public Library in four years from 2011 to 2014. overall, both men and women readers experienced an increase. A considerable rate was shown by male.

In 2011, the number of books read by men are roughly at 5000 and approximately at 3000 for women. This makes the gap between them narrowed. By contrast, in the year 2014, there was a considerable increase in the figure for men to 14000, whereas the total books read by women were less marked. Therefore, a widened gap between them was showed.

Turning to in 2012, men figure increased gradually to 3000 books. Then, it witnessed a sharp increase of 7000 books in 2013. In the last year, the number of books reads reach a peak at 14000. On the other side, books read by women experienced increased dramatically to 10000 during two years until 2013, however, this figure is decreasing in 2014, even same like in 2008. Thus, the number of books read by men can exceed the level of a female in the last year.




ryan31   
Oct 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / Resume an article "Playing Grand Theft Auto can teach autonomous cars how to drive" [2]

hello Gigih
it is a great resume
let me give you some suggestions
hope it helps

Nowadays, the system in car usesthe car system is usinga super highcutting-edge technology computer (...) or called as the autonomous car.

But in its <<< it is informal try to use "it is" development, it has a drawback.
however, in the development process has a drawback

... recently there wasisbecause you use simple present a car accident between ...
At that moment of time , the car failed to ...

... autonomous car hashad been thought and ...

... in their algorithms, it is because they use ...

... see the difference of vehicles and itsit conditions although there is still have a problem in it .
... who drives a car as usual, because there (...) road causeD by human errors.

good job
keep writing
ryan31   
Oct 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / Students are not given a freedom to express what they think, and it kills their creativeness [3]

hello abraham
here is my suggestions for you
hope it helps

... implemented in their life, then makes life easier. However, the students in the school are commanded to obayobey all teacher's instructions ...
... they will never come up with the original idea.

... the essential stepsthe essential is singular

... think the world as theytheir experience.

thanks
ryan31   
Oct 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / The form of a wave-energy machine and several locations that it can be placed [5]

hello reski
here is my advice for you
hope it works

complex sentence (who, which, where) + V1

Overall, it can be seen that turbine which is placed on (...) 100 kilowatts is smaller than the ...

The machine is consist of Steel Tower...
Wind sensor function is accepts thea wind and litlift up generator. avoid using 'and' in the first sentence >>And the last is computer,

itsit is function is accepts info from the sensor.

As a results ,the generator will be lit because the wind was reached ...

..., there are 3three locations of wind ...

Based on the figures , we can seen that, the turbine (...) in sea and the result of landscape is not spoiled.
It is smaller than others which is the generator ...
... placed on the hill where have maximum wind strengths.

thanks
keep writing
ryan31   
Oct 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / The proportion of money spent on different basic necessities in a country, during six decades [2]

The pie charts below show the average household expenditures in a country in 1950 and 2010 .

The pie chart compares the proportion of money spent on different basic necessities in a country during six decades and it is measured in the percentage. Overall, all items saw an alteration. In this case, while housing and education experienced a decreasing trend, the opposite was seen in the remaining figures.

At the beginning, housing dominated all household expenditures at less than three-quarters, 6 times higher than the figure for food. Education came in the third with 6.6%. However, over the sixty following years, there was a decreasing trend in both figures with a significant decline showed by food, leading them to occupy the second and the fourth rate respectively.

Turning to the other items, there were four basic necessities showing an increase from 1950 to 2010. Initially, the proportion of food at 11.2% increased dramatically to 34% in 2010. Then, health care saw an alteration from 2.4% to 4.5%. The last necessity, transportation witnessed an increase which is almost same as the proportion of other, 3.3% to 14% for transportation and 4.4% to 19.2% for other.




ryan31   
Oct 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / 13-year-old student in one school choose the study. [4]

hai faizuna
here is my suggestion for you
hope it works

I think it is necessary to include a measurement

... peak while Mandarin had the lowest >>> it is a superlative point.

... 2000 and 2005, the number of pupils who have studied French ...
... more stable trend in the next following year.

..., only about 7seven students that ...
However, in 2005, while Mandarin raisedrised sharply into almost (...) near half of before at 85 students .

But while>> two conjuctions in here French looked like ...

thanks
keep writing
ryan31   
Oct 23, 2016
Writing Feedback / When students are in large classes - problems and solutions [2]

When students are in large classes, it is very hard for the teacher to give every student individual attention. What can educational authorities do about this?

A great number of students in one class make teacher difficult to give personal attention to them. A workable solution for this issue is the role of government in managing the number of student in the class and giving a training the for teacher to be more creative in teaching.

One of the possible solutions to tackle this problem is controlling the amount of students in one class with regulation from authorities. The reason for this is to easier for teacher gives knowledge in the class. A great example for this situation is research at Cambridge University showed that about 20 students in the class make the teacher more convenient to deliver the knowledge for students. Therefore, it is true that the fewer number students influence teacher performance, especially when gives attention each student.

Another solution for this condition is the teacher will get treatment to enhance their skill in teaching. This is due to the fact that many teachers need training to deal with many students in the class such a seminar. For instance, Education Ministry of Indonesia released the result of survey in 2010 that showed 70% of teachers experienced trouble while in the classroom with many students. It is true that many teachers still hard to control student especially with the significant amount of students.

Overall, when class fells crowded since many students in there, the authority should launch rules such a policy to control the amount of students. Besides, the role of teacher is necessary so that government gives some exercise for several teachers to improve their knowledge about a good teaching method.
ryan31   
Oct 23, 2016
Writing Feedback / Sea levels are continuing to rise which is triggered by the global warming process [4]

hai dika
here is my suggestion for you
hope it helps

One of the viable solutions which can be ...
This obviously, it would prevent sea water from coming into the land.

... as an example, the government built the dam ...

In conclusion, global warming makes an impact such as rise of sea level. There is an effect in an area such as coastal areas to the innundationinundation .

Furthermore, the manufacturemanufacturing of sea barrier alongside the seashore can be (...) and it should be become the ...

thanks
ryan31   
Oct 23, 2016
Writing Feedback / Hans Rosling took on the task to teach global development for an undergraduate student. [5]

hai dika
here is my suggestions for you
hope it helps

Hans Rosling, he tookS on the task (...) for undergraduate studentS .

He havingHAVE BEEN spending about 20 years at africanAfrican institute.

it has country the highest ...

When he was compared the result, it has differenteddifferentthat result came from many countries.

Industrial country havehas a small country ...
... country have a large country and short life.

The slide showsthe illustrate about the ...

However, we don'tdo not look just in the data,(...) that chance in A sia which one of the reason from the social or economicaleconomic chance. Another data came or income from people in the world.

thanks
ryan31   
Oct 23, 2016
Writing Feedback / The alteration in the world of job occurs quickly nowadays [3]

The world of work is changing rapidly. Working conditions today are not the same as before and people no longer rely on taking one job for life. Discuss the possible causes for these changes and give your suggestion which can be taken in the future?

The alteration in the world of job occurs quickly. Nowadays, most people tends to take more than one occupation. The cost of basic necessities being in soaring rates is the reason for this trend and being economical is a solution to be taken.

One of the compelling reasons why such trend occurs is that the amount of money the citizens spend increases. When the price of each product rises, people are forced to issue huge money for meeting their basic necessities, which sometimes does not fit with earnings they get monthly. For instance, a current survey carried out by Chinese Government in 2015 showed that 2000 of citizen admitted trouble to bought refreshment from traditional market due to the high cost so that they can not adequate nutrients.

One of the possible solutions to be taken is life with economical way. This means citizens only buy some goods that they consider important for their lives. Also, adjustment between expenditure and income should be taken into account. For example, Research from California University found that 5,000 of citizens decide to scrimp life such an eat some refreshment at an affordable price. It is noticeable that many people chose to cut their outcome so that can fulfill basic necessities being.

All in all, although the rates of basic necessities have changed, society can be tackled this situation with economical way during a life. I strongly suggest to people do not buy useless things.
ryan31   
Oct 23, 2016
Writing Feedback / Smoking in public area is illegal and it prevents people from suffering serious diseases [2]

hai mr majid
here is my suggestions for you
hope it helps

This awareness is need for people (...) to be able to keep the environment ...
Thus, it will create the healthy environment is free of the harmful effect of smoking.

To conclude, I'mI am convinced that (...) cause some diseases likesuch as cancer as well as ...

thanks
ryan31   
Oct 23, 2016
Writing Feedback / When students are in large classes, it is very hard for the teacher to give every student attention [6]

hai dika
I have some suggestions for you
hope it works

... lesson effectively is makemaking the position of students ...

... class should be set up for a form of square (...) of new position so that the teacher can control the activity of student.class.

For examples , research from University ...

... this problem as using many types of teaching and (...) of seats for the better result.
... subject to every students in the class.

thanks
ryan31   
Oct 23, 2016
Writing Feedback / INUNDATION of land in the coastal area and solutions for issues related to the global warming [2]

Global warming is one of the biggest threats human face in the 21 st century and sea levels are continuing to rise at an alarming rate. What problems are associated with this and what some possible solutions?

Human is faced with the sea levels at dangerous rate affected by the climate change phenomenon. One of the possible problems appeared regarding this trend is the inundation of land in the coastal area and workable solution for this issue is the construction of sea barrier.

Flooding in seashore area is one of the effects of global warming. This happens if sea levels increase and the absorption of land is worst. As a result, more people are forced to leave their home for shelter. Besides, the risk of harvesting failure would come, reducing the amount of food supply. For example, a current survey carried out by Indonesia Government in 2012 showed that 500 of inhabitants in north Jakarta have been relocated to the refugee camps since elevation of inundation increasing

However, this problem can be tackled with the building of sea barriers. This could be constructed alongside coastal area to prevent the amount of water which enters to the land. Although this breakthrough requires huge cost, it is effective for the long-term purpose. For instance, The Thames Flood Barrier in England, this barrier was built in 1982 to prevent flooding in London caused by high tides and storms of the North Sea.

In general, the effect of climate change is flooding in the coastal areas, whereas the best solution to solve this problem is made sea barriers around the seashore. I firmly to society still maintain their environment since it is useless if government doing by itself.
ryan31   
Oct 23, 2016
Writing Feedback / WRITING TASK 2 : Industries and businesses to move to areas outside the big cities [2]

hai dika
here is my suggestions for you
hope it works

... business center will be bring the opportunity ...

... the significant decrease of the traffic jam, easingeasier for the business activities ...
... international labor organization about a numbera lot of vehicle experienced ...
... benefit for the economic growth in thethese areas.

In conclusion, the effect fromof the movements of (...) is the workersare spent more time to arrive in there.

thanks
ryan31   
Oct 23, 2016
Writing Feedback / Pediatric care centers or relatives? Different views and opinions for this. [3]

hai ms eve
here is my suggestions for you
hope it helps

... children growing up in close circumstancerelationship with fullyfull of love.

... by UNICEF organization,do not use comma found children who stayed with relatives about 65% kidschildren(kids is informal word) more confident to ...

... working parents said pediatric (I can find this word in cambridge dictionary ) care centers

I definitely agree with this essay since children will be ...

thanks
ryan31   
Oct 23, 2016
Writing Feedback / More renewable energy sources are harnessed to generate electricity these days. [2]

More renewable energy sources are harnessed to generate electricity these days. What are disadvantages and advantages of this trend?

Nowadays, society tends to use an alternative resource such as renewable energy to produce electricity. This trend can save the fossil fuel usage for several years to come, it also requires a huge cost.

In the future, people can keep fossils fuel from extinction. This is due to the fact that society switches to use alternative energy as their main source to produce electricity. For example, a current survey carried out by the Japanese Government in 2013 released that using an alternative resource such a solar panel can push the rate of fossil fuel by 40%. Consequently, energy will be collected by the alternative resource to generate electricity gives a long-term effect on their circumstances.

However, citizen needs a lot of money to build up cutting-edge technology tools to generate electricity from alternative resource. The reason for this the equipment is hard to find out, even include rare items. Besides, only a few person can understand about making this tools. A great example for this is coming from Energy and Mineral Resources Ministry of China released the result of survey in 2014 that showed roughly 10% of people using alternative energy in their atmosphere. Therefore, it is true that only a few people who use alternative resource as main resource in their home.

Overall, this essay explained about benefit and drawback in usage alternative resource. The benefit of this trend is fossil fuels reserves for a longtime later, while for the drawback is the high charge to build up sophisticated tools to produce electricity.
ryan31   
Oct 23, 2016
Writing Feedback / Although online game gives a positive impact on children's brain, it also involves with health issue [2]

Some people think that online computer games are useful for children, while others claim are bad. What are advantages and disadvantages of online computer game for children?

Some people believe that game online is a good activity for children, others say is a bad action. While the games can make children critical in thinking, this also makes children vulnerable to suffer impaired vision.

The presence of games can help increase children's concentration. This is because many games force children to explore their thinking ability in solving any problems or find a strategic way in winning the battle. For example, research in MIT University showed that playing games about 20 minutes before the study can elicit a concentration in learning. therefore, it is true that game can be utilized to make children more creative.

However, it is also accepted that game online can deteriorate children eyesight capability. The reason for this is children spend much time in front of the monitor. For instance, Health Ministry of Indonesia released the result of survey in 2015 that showed 60% of students using glasses to aid their vision due to playing online game. It is true that when children play games with a long duration, it makes their sight poor.

In conclusion, although online game gives a positive impact on children's brain, it is also involving their healthy such an eyesight problem is sensitive for children. I recommended parent's role to supervise children and restrict usage online game as long as their activities.
ryan31   
Oct 23, 2016
Writing Feedback / 'A family knows the best way for children' - Childcare Centers Vs Family [5]

hai edo
here is my suggestion for you
I think your conclusion is too short with one sentence, try to make it with two sentences

... pre-school age has a good influences on (...) in family members than in childcare center because they have ...

thanks
ryan31   
Oct 23, 2016
Book Reports / The Odyssey and "The Wizard of Oz" - Heroes Essay [3]

hai nishi
I have some suggestions for you

In the most fiction (...) finding heroes isare as simple as ...

A hero is someone who is admired forsince great or brave ...

... multiple heroes within them, however,but Odysseus and Dorothy ...

... the same amount of pureness, pureness ofsuch an adventures mindset, however, there is a lot of more behind ...

Besides the fun, they are both of clumsy and attentive ...

thanks
ryan31   
Oct 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / RELOCATE INDUSTRY; companies are pushed to displace their workplaces to the outside of big cities [3]

In some countries, governments are encouraging industries and businesses to move to regional areas outside the big cities. Do the advantages of this trend outweigh the disadvantages?

the authority are pushing companies to displace their workplace to the outside of cities in several countries. even tough it can deal with pollution problem faced in the city, the disadvantage of the increasing time spent by people to the relocation point outnumbers any benefits.

It is commonly thought that the policy can decrease pollution in the urban area. This is due to the fact that the emissions coming from manufacturing do not exist in the city. For example, a current survey carried out by the Chinese government in 2010 released that the rate of pollution decreased dramatically by 30% in the town since relocation industries to the rural area. However, this policy can not fully solve the problem as the pollution is still released from private cars.

apart from the previous discussion, workers have to spend a lot of time in the way towards a company when the policy is taken . This is due to the fact that the distance between the relocation point and people's residence is quite long. For example, United states employment council released the result of survey in 2011 that showed 80% of employee require 5 hours in the journey to reach the business place since industries moved to outskirt. This means this policy add the burden not only for the workers but also for the employee when dealing with time management. Therefore, such policy gives more demerits than it benefits.

In conclusion, although the rate of pollution still exists, the drawback of this relocation makes workers spend a lot of time to the workplace. It is recommended that governments also have a big role to manage this condition with make a home for workers around industry's environment.
ryan31   
Oct 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / Some parents believe that the best treatment for children is bringing them to the childcare centre [3]

Some parents think that childcare centres provide the best services for children of pre-school age. Other working parents think that family members such as grandparents will be better carers for their kids. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Some parents believe that the best treatment for children before they go to school is bringing them to the childcare centre. Others say relatives give a bigger impact on children development. While the child centre has well-skill staff capable of supervising the children, I am more likely to believe that family having close relation is the best way to nurture children as they are more trustful.

Employees of childcare centre have a good skill for surveillance the children. This is because childcare centre has been a lot of experience for nurture children. Besides, workers who had trained got much ability especially helps parents to take care their children. For example, there is a program child daycare in Jakarta, this place designed aims to attractive children for playing in that place and get some knowledge from teacher in there. It is true that some parents believed this place is a suitable spot for children.

On the other hand, relative's bond is better than childcare centre for accompany daily activity their children. The reason for this is that family are low respect to childcare, then decide to nurture by themselves. For example, based on data from the internet showed that 70% children are easy to be contaminated since pervasive disease from other children. It is noticeable that some parents want their children keep fit when childcare so that do not respect again.

In brief, even though childcare has a good track record to take care children with expert ability from their employee, this essay tend to be convinced to guide their children by themselves because the family has a close relationship. It is recommended that governments make a regulation about childcare center and supervise every detail in a month so that childcare will get parent's trustful.
ryan31   
Oct 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / Many children in several countries spend much time in the workplace instead of being at school [4]

In many countries, children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong while others consider it as valuable work experience. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Many children spend much time in the workplace than studying in the school in several countries. Some people believe that it is false step for children, while others say it is pivotal for the future. I am more likely to believe that children are not only ready in mentality but also in physics to deal with trouble in the workplace although valuable work experience would be gained by children taking a part-time job.

It is generally believed that to survive in a company require strong physical and mental, but children do not have them. if they are forced to take a chance of working while they are studying will suffer a mental disorder. for instance, Japan educational council released the result of a survey in 2005 that showed almost 40% of working children suffered anomaly-mental. However, I claim that this problem should not be people main concern as the proper guidance of the workplace would lead them to avoid problem in the working place, forcing them to think hard.

On the other hand, when children decided to take a half-time job, the precious experience will be obtained for preparing in the future. this is due to the fact that children met other employees and gain much experience. For example, a current survey conducted by the ministry of education shows that approximately 75% of students as workers has a quick adaptation in the workplace.it is noticeable that students with half-time in school have higher achievement than students who have full time in the school since they have skill for problem solving.

In conclusion, although some people think that children who have experience in the workplace is a good choice, this essay tend to talk about children have to focus on their study. This is due to the fact that the lack of mental and physic in children to face with hardness world of job, even though benefit experience can reach easily. I recommended parents should give more concern on their children so that have a better future.
ryan31   
Oct 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / Article Summary - The Best -and worst- places to be a working woman [5]

hai lincoln
here's my suggestions for you
hope it works

... that aims to reports the most suitable placeworkplace for women to work . It is indicators are higher education, labor-force participation, pay, child- care costs, maternity ...

Unsurprisingly, the Scandinavia countries such as Iceland, Norway, Sweden and Finland- lie in top overall. In these regions, a woman has a chance of equal ...

Meanwhile, in Iceland, (using comma) has 44% woman ...

thanks
ryan31   
Oct 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / SMOKERS LEAVE THE BUILDINGS when they need to smoke, due to strict regulations [2]

In some countries it is now illegal to smoke in public places. It is only fair that people who wish to smoke should have to leave the building. Do you agree or disagree?

A strict regulation about smoking has been made in several countries to prohibit smoking in public places, as such smokers who want to smoke should be leaving the building. This essay would totally agree with such a notion because this policy creates comfort circumstances and prevent people from suffering serious disease.

One of the reasons for supporting this policy is that the comfortable environment can be created. This is because the workers are afraid of the punishment, forcing them to leave the crowded spot. For instance, a current survey carried out by several workers when they work in the workplace in 2010 showed that they feel satisfied with the rule banning the smokers being fitting with the society as convenient environment was created. It is true that healthy environment can be kept by applying this policy.

Apart from the previous discussion, city-settlers are prevented from acute disease. The reason for this is that cigarette smoke containing chemical substance is free from the public place, leaving for fresh air inhaled by people. For example, a current report from health ministry of Indonesia said that several breakthroughs made by local government to ban smokers from accessing public place lead to the decrease of ill people at the hospital. By the fact, it is true that more inhabitants are healthy because of this regulation.

In conclusion, this essay supports the idea that comfortable atmosphere and minimize the dangerous illness will be created by a firm rule about prohibition for smoking in the public space. I hope that this regulation have to applied in the whole companies.
ryan31   
Oct 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / WRITING TASK 2: Government regulation to relocate factories and businesses in countryside [3]

hai ms eve
here's my suggestions for you
hope it works

firstly, it is important to include the question

... encouraged by governments to relocate their ...
... policy will reduce the cost of production, its demerit of the polluting environment ...

... though there are the best (superlative ) offer for training (...) businesses, but(do not use 'but' because in the beginning you are using 'even though') it is not easy to change ...

... if they move their factories place to the countryside, (before but using comma) but it might also damage the land farming areas.

thanks
ryan31   
Oct 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / Children development and Tv - essay for ielts task 2 [4]

hai medi

In today's society, ----> I think common to use 'nowadays' or 'these days'

... that watching TV is harmful forcollocation mistake harmful to or of

But, it is my belief that, television is a crucial tool ...

... broaden children's horizons(plural) .

... which children can learn the alphabet, numbers ...

... children can easy to obtain new knowledge ...

... can not speak as a native speaker, but (before but using a comma) he tries.

By way of conclusion, Tvtelevision extends children's' outlook and It is also useful to learning .

I believe that television will bring lots(a lot) try to use formal word of benefits in the ...

thanks
ryan31   
Oct 21, 2016
Writing Feedback / How many books have been read at Burnley by men and women? [6]

hai lola
here is my suggestions for you

1. where is the graph ?

2. In 2011, fifty thousand 500,000 (because only one word to transfrom from the number example, one - twenty)

3.... who have read only around 24000 books in this period.

4. using number without space or with comma such as 140,000 or 140000 do not use 140 000

5. At the end of the day ?????? maybe directly to use In conclusion

6. using dramatical, slightly, steadily, roughly, approximately to tell about the development in the graph (I recommended to read ielts advantage or ielts buddy)

7. In the finallast year of the giventhis period, the increasing trend ...
... diminished by 29 thousand, in order to became 70 00 or two times less than the men result. It is hard to me to give you about using the number for example, the number of books increased dramatically to 3000 books

thank you
ryan31   
Oct 21, 2016
Writing Feedback / THE MOST MOTIVATION PEOPLE TO WORK IS MONEY [3]

the most motivation people to work is money, while for a couple years later, most societies chooses the same enterprise. I am more likely to stand in the opponent of this statement because the important reason to work is comfortable to improve workers skill in workplace and passion also effect on workers performance.

It is generally believed that people work based on their enjoyment so that work in a good performance. This is because workers considered that work is not demand, but to running hobbies. Besides, it feels enjoyable when doing something in the workplace and it is increasing employee creativity in the company. For example, based on my own experience working as a teacher since happiness met students give me a lot of experience and never got tired when doing this occupation. It is true that passion has important role to enhance skill especially creativity.

Turning to the one of the most pivotal reason is comfortable in the workplace. This is because people feels convenient to doing something in the company. For instance, based on my own experience work in the workplace requiring close to each other, moreover, it makes partnerships be relatives so that easy to talking with others. Consequently, people enjoys when work in there even do not look the amount of money that people achieve. There is no doubt that comfortable more important than money.

In conclusion, money is not the only as the stimulus to job, this essay acknowledge that it is essential for labor to work in comfortable circumstance and also suitable with their passion because it will be encourage workers capability. It is recommended that people should make sure their job really appropriate like what they want. Furthermore, people do not depend on money as their standard for doing a job.
ryan31   
Oct 13, 2016
Writing Feedback / Cuba's Underwater Jewels Are in Tourism's Path [3]

A couple years ago, marine life in Cuba so beautiful. As time goes on, climate change was change everything such as disappearing endangered fish even the size can be minimized. There are so many varieties of fish life in the ocean, but now decrease moreover the color has been vanish because of bleaching process. Besides, the wild animal marine is always hunted by a human for earn much money. Cuba showed underwater jewels with unique diversity especially corals. The government suggests for tourists to protect the environment as it is rarely founded in other places around the world. Consequently, to preserve tourism when the visitors coming to do not disturbs marine life such as do not take any corals for trades and clown fish. On the other hand, the key of success also maintaining number of predators for example crocodiles and sharks to reach a balanced ecosystem.

nationalgeographic
ryan31   
Oct 12, 2016
Writing Feedback / TED SUMMARY : OCEAN LIFE IN THE SEA FLOOR [2]

David Gallo as marine biologist said that the earth has the amount of water and we called it ocean, besides we can be divided into two parts between shallow water and deep water. This is will be focused on the ecosystems in the deepest water with color which is black or dark. First, they can find corals with sophisticated technology such as submarines and robots until the floor ocean. It is an amazing place with a full of life creatures, while it found in the deepest trenches of Mexico. Then, find some animals such as jellyfish which life in a colony and it gives an amazing color because of it is habitat in the sea floor. On the other hand, poisonous water in deep on water also exist in here, and also a river in the sea floor makes it wonderful and beautiful of marine life. David Gallo recommended that people's pattern of life have to changes for avoiding damage in the ocean since seven billion people give impact on ocean such as drink and for food.

ted.../talks/deep_ocean_mysteries_and_wonders
ryan31   
Oct 10, 2016
Writing Feedback / Devastating Consequences of Logging [3]

Hai asma
it is a great essay
I have several suggestions for you
hope it helps

Logging industry makes several decays such as living environment destruction, pollution, and climeclimate change.

... underneath their strong parts of the body.
The canopy of branches and leaves
the branches and leaves of canopy

Falling ground and other residueS can be (...) along THE stream.

... it will be generate quality of water A round streams ...

In THE healthy forest ecosystem, ...
Moreover, deforestation swayS rainfall scheme and it leads ...
Logging is an enormous F actor behind global warming.

thanks
ryan31   
Oct 9, 2016
Writing Feedback / The online shopping sales for retail sectors in New Zealand's market, in 2003 and 2013; Task 1 [2]

hai sasariri
it is nice to read your writing
I have some advice for you
I hope it help to improve your writing skill

The pie charts present the information about the percentages of ...

let me help you to paraphrase the instruction
The pie chart gives information about an alteration in percentages of trading activities with access to the internet for different retail aspects in New Zealand in one decade.

According to the charts, <<<< do not repeat previous sentence
there were four sectors :consists of travel, film and ...

Overall, it can be seen that there was significant changes in their proportion of online market. <<< it is too general
travel led online sales, but books take place in the bottom rank in 2003. On the other hand, ten years later, film take place in the first rank, but clothes stand in the last position.

To begin, in 2013, Travel sector addressed for ...
During the same period, it as a dramatic rise (...) transaction jumped from just 21% to 33%,

I think it is enough
thanks
ryan31   
Oct 9, 2016
Writing Feedback / Before I lived in Canada, I was born in South Korea. Past choices and your life. [3]

Hai blizard
here is my suggestion for you
I hope it helps

... and we played when we had A chance so leaving ...

The reason IS we have to move to (...) in order to start A new business...

... Canada with television and books and when . I think (...) my own eyes, I believed it'sIT IS going to quite adventures.

At THE first time of Canada, my E nglish skill was limited so I had difficult time to speakSPOKE with other people and understand. MakingMEETING Canadian friends were quite experiencing  because when (...) from outside of country.

... there was not much programS related to the computer (...) choice for getING a proper job, ...

At THE first I didn'tDID NOThaveHAD quite hard time (...) so I couldn'tNOT followED the program properly later.

... because they needed my help, also I thought I going to need experience with working, how meeting (...) some money for saveSAVINGin my bank account.

For working in the parent's  store was quite experiences ...

After A few years later, I decided TO go back to the college ...
... welding job will be A decent job to earn lots of salarySALARIES .
... my own life like buying A house and making (...) as I can BE in the welding program.

It'sIT IS been more than 10 (...) born because I haven'tHAVE NOT visitED there since my family moveS to the Canda. Even so, there'sTHERE IS still my life ahead in ...

I think it is enough
Thanks.
ryan31   
Oct 9, 2016
Writing Feedback / Some parents order their children to work hard for their physical and mental improvement [3]

hai timur
I have several suggestions for you
hope it helps to improve your skill

... want to achieve their position so as to earn much money.

... their children to work hard places and it could be cause their physical ...

... both points of view beforE coming to A reasoned conclusion.

Nevertheless,it should stand at THE first stage.

RE specially,...

That'sTHAT IS more,numerous families tend tiTO ..

Honestly,it is A good .... their health priblemsPROBLEMS as a consequence.
NamelyCONSEQUENTLY ,...

With in regards, nowadays,... due to absenseabsence their parents.

in THE young period.

THANKS

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