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Writing college admission, application, and scholarship essays (page 34)

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Several facts that convinced me, that Northwestern is the best choice - another why school 'X' essay

3 - Tim, there is a very common feel to this response that you developed. It lacks a sense of specificity...

UndergraduateTVLAERE - Dec 30, 2016 / Holt - Dec 31, 2016
Contrary to most millennials, I was terrible with technology.

5 - @Holt I understand what you are saying but I describe that going into the program I had no successful...

Undergraduatearg - Dec 31, 2016 / arg - Dec 31, 2016
Lafayette supplemental essay: I read so I can listen

4 - Khoa, I do not believe that your essay is good enough for the prompt. You read so you can...

Undergraduatengokhoa99 - Dec 30, 2016 / Holt - Dec 31, 2016
Exciting roomie and wonderful music. Stanford Supplementary

7 - @gandhi123 Thanks so much! I've edited those into my essay just now!...

Undergraduatedigestadonut - Dec 30, 2016 / digestadonut - Dec 31, 2016
High School Fair - Extracurricular Activity Supplement

5 - During a High School Fair, I seized the opportunity to network with the families that would attend. Just...

Undergraduatekzhang7498 - Dec 31, 2016 / agoldie - Dec 31, 2016
Soaking up everything with an open mind. Rice supplemental essay - My international experiences

4 - @rnsnz18 If you mentioned it in another essay then I think it's fine if you don't speak about it...

Undergraduaternsnz18 - Dec 30, 2016 / kc1099 - Dec 31, 2016
The two words difference in different languages

2 - @Syrianboy Interesting, for someone majoring in middle eastern studies. I would suggest using this idea of an overarching word...

UndergraduateSyrianboy - Dec 30, 2016 / TVLAERE - Dec 30, 2016
"Man's greatness" Ashura--a Turkish dessert

7 - @Holt Thanks Holt. Yes I saw your like. The essay would not have come to this point without...

Undergraduatemualla - Dec 30, 2016 / mualla - Dec 30, 2016
Common App #2: Failure - I am well-versed in the poetry of orchestra

8 - The essay should be as simple as this: When I was in middle school, I had the chance...

Undergraduateangeli6778 - Dec 28, 2016 / Holt - Dec 30, 2016
Overcoming obstacles like Allan Iverson. Personal Statement - Person of influence - NBA Star

2 - Iverson does not represent anything related to your background, identity, or interest in the way that this essay requires....

Undergraduatekhatanbuuveibold - Dec 30, 2016 / Holt - Dec 30, 2016
Personal statement: Lessons learnt from baking

5 - Like I said, some adjustments can be made to the content of the essay to make it more usable....

Undergraduatejcgdbb - Dec 29, 2016 / Holt - Dec 30, 2016
THE UNIVERSE IS A BOOK AND I AM READING IT

3 - @mualla Photosynthesis and the water cycle are both scientific terms, so you would be better off using a specific...

Undergraduatemualla - Dec 30, 2016 / khatanbuuveibold - Dec 30, 2016
Street style fashion in NY. Why New York University? Maximum:400 words.

3 - @Bennyoooo Every applicant to NYU will be talking about New York, so you would be better off talking about...

UndergraduateBennyoooo - Dec 30, 2016 / khatanbuuveibold - Dec 30, 2016
Amherst College Supplement: Rigorous reasoning and empirical evidence

6 - Close but not quite. It was not necessary to combine the first two paragraphs. However, since you did that,...

Undergraduatemualla - Dec 30, 2016 / Holt - Dec 30, 2016
This is what I love in Cornell University. Undergraduate CALS motivation essay

2 - Tim, I am a bit confused about the essay that you have written. If you are already attending Cornell...

UndergraduateTVLAERE - Dec 30, 2016 / Holt - Dec 30, 2016
My Extracurricular Activity Essay for Colleges. EYP - European Youth Parliament

7 - Considering that Ivy league schools are interested in diversifying their student community, I would definitely use this essay for...

Undergraduateyuliakm - Dec 29, 2016 / Holt - Dec 30, 2016
My performance as a DJ. Common App: prompt about failure

11 - I was thinking that you could just change the term mistake with "problem" and solve the issue. The closing...

UndergraduateTVLAERE - Dec 29, 2016 / Holt - Dec 30, 2016
PRACTICAL PHYSICS. This is my Yale essay I was wondering if the first sentence was a catchy one

5 - @AlwaysL8 Hi AlwaysL8, Although, you refer the activity in your first sentence as "Physics practical" but the...

UndergraduateProdigy - Dec 30, 2016 / mualla - Dec 30, 2016
Math is a language and I use it to express my thoughts. Supplement essay

6 - Mualla, the essay is more academic in nature so the last paragraph need not be there. That paragraph speaks...

Undergraduatemualla - Dec 17, 2016 / Holt - Dec 30, 2016
MATHEMATICAL OLYMPIAD - Princeton: Baymax influenced me

10 - @Holt I deleted the third paragraph and add just a sentece on the fourth paragraph thay I wanted to...

Undergraduaternsnz18 - Dec 29, 2016 / rnsnz18 - Dec 30, 2016
Language and Culture. Check my personal statement for UGRAD.

2 - Andi, your essay focuses on only one aspect of your interest for application as a UGRAD student. The sole...

UndergraduateHorseman69 - Dec 30, 2016 / Holt - Dec 30, 2016
Cal Tech and I - Cal Tech supplemental essays

12 - Andy, I hope you are not angry at me for the use of the term "language limitation". I am...

UndergraduateLoneLee - Dec 26, 2016 / Holt - Dec 30, 2016
The latent 'choranaptyxic' embryo - Harvard - extracurricular activities or work experience(150W)

5 - Same opinion as most people above :) Great topic, but I believe these essays want to see more...

Undergraduatekhizirsiddiqui - Dec 29, 2016 / AlwaysL8 - Dec 30, 2016
RICE ESSAY: Diversity & How Life is Like a Pond

4 - @khizirsiddiqui Thank you so much for your approval and input! I'll be sure to change that up a bit....

UndergraduateAlwaysL8 - Dec 30, 2016 / AlwaysL8 - Dec 30, 2016
Things I've done during my gap year - working in the paints store

6 - @Holt Thank you very much, your "wow" means a lot to me, i will make those changes you suggested,...

Undergraduaternsnz18 - Dec 29, 2016 / rnsnz18 - Dec 30, 2016
NYU's personality--multi-cultural, logistician, and open-minded

7 - No problem Mualla, I am starting to understand that there are times when I say things that don't come...

Undergraduatemualla - Dec 29, 2016 / Holt - Dec 30, 2016
"I learned MAGIC!" Harvard/UChicago Essay "What makes you Happy?"

4 - Saad, this essay is not Harvard nor UChicago ready. There is too much focus on the activity of magic...

UndergraduateLordAli - Dec 29, 2016 / Holt - Dec 30, 2016
Yale Supplement- The Phenomenon of Link hopping.

4 - Malavika, your creative representation in your essay is highly imaginative and definitely hooks the reviewer in. However, you focused...

Undergraduatealiashah - Dec 29, 2016 / Holt - Dec 30, 2016
Neurolinguistics allows me to understand myself - Brown Supplement

4 - @kc1099 Strong statement. Yes, you should take out the first sentence of the second paragraph. I read your...

Undergraduatekc1099 - Dec 30, 2016 / mualla - Dec 30, 2016
I want to approach my values like limits in Calculus

19 - @Holt No worries! I am still working on Barnard. I will get you the last versions ASAP. The college...

Undergraduatemualla - Dec 21, 2016 / mualla - Dec 30, 2016
Stanford Supplement: Last Two Summers

6 - Hi, your summers sounded very exciting! Holt's poem advice is pretty unique in that it separates your thoughts more...

UndergraduateSpade - Dec 28, 2016 / kc1099 - Dec 30, 2016
Taxi drive in the New York City - Why NYU Essay

3 - @rnsnz18 Thank you so much!...

UndergraduateTVLAERE - Dec 29, 2016 / TVLAERE - Dec 29, 2016
Why you have applied or expressed interest in a particular campus, school, college, program...

4 - @chizy7 @Holt thank you both for your feedback, I made the changes that you two suggested, and submitted...

Undergraduatejmjj14 - Dec 28, 2016 / jmjj14 - Dec 29, 2016
My two homes: one in South Dakota, another in Texas - Brown supplement

4 - @astrum72 What's good about this is that you explain the impact that this had on you which is the...

Undergraduateastrum72 - Dec 29, 2016 / TVLAERE - Dec 29, 2016
'helping hand at the end of your arm' My Common Application Essay for the Ivy League Colleges

5 - Saad, the essay about the transition to adulthood works well at this point. Go ahead and use that already....

UndergraduateLordAli - Dec 17, 2016 / Holt - Dec 29, 2016
ISB PGP , Why you? Essay, 400 words; a worthy member of the prestigious students' pool of ISB

3 - In paragraph 3, you have the chance to set yourself apart from the other applicants of the essay. How...

UndergraduateApoorvaG - Dec 29, 2016 / Holt - Dec 29, 2016
Passion for mathematics (which isn't just a class. It's a philosophy) - Personal Statement

4 - This type of essay is overdone. When you say "it started with a D grade", even though you explain...

UndergraduateBold - Dec 29, 2016 / TVLAERE - Dec 29, 2016
I lost my IPad but I found something much more valuable. Common App 2nd Prompt Essay.

4 - Batjin, the essay is very good. It is too long winded and needs to be cut down for length...

Undergraduatel3atjin - Dec 29, 2016 / Holt - Dec 29, 2016
Personal Statement for an International Development Studies Program.

3 - Noman, add credibility to your claim of realizing that you wanted to work with people by adding the complete...

UndergraduateHthmn - Dec 28, 2016 / Holt - Dec 29, 2016
The rebelling nerd - I had fulfilled my duty as an Asian kid

30 - Okay. Thanks!...

Undergraduatengokhoa99 - Dec 19, 2016 / ngokhoa99 - Dec 29, 2016
Untitled - My Common App - Not one talent, background, or identity defines me.

4 - Katie, what you have written is a background essay so you cannot say that you do not have a...

Undergraduatescgoalie00 - Dec 29, 2016 / Holt - Dec 29, 2016
Paideia - the complete education of mind, body and spirit. Contribution to the Reed community

5 - You can actually keep the movie if you want to. Like I said, the education of the mind, body,...

Undergraduatel3atjin - Dec 28, 2016 / Holt - Dec 29, 2016
Tetris blocks - relax sometimes to keep your mind ready. U Penn supplemental essay - engineering.

5 - Khatanbuuvei, your narrative is really long but does not offer any solid idea as to how UPenn became the...

Undergraduatekhatanbuuveibold - Dec 28, 2016 / Holt - Dec 29, 2016
Syracuse: What influenced me (advanced writing)

4 - Selin, it seems that your essay focus is more on the people that influenced you to apply to Syracuse....

Undergraduatesweetsenior - Dec 28, 2016 / Holt - Dec 29, 2016
The cues of the Yoruba, Igbo and the western culture. MIT Cultural Background Essay

6 - Davidson, I strongly suggest that you use the Optional Section in Part 2 to further develop your essay. Since...

UndergraduateDJMI - Dec 28, 2016 / Holt - Dec 29, 2016
Let's make some difference. Personal statement essay.

7 - @mbyram Thank you for making advice. Would you please point out some of the grammar errors because I can't...

UndergraduateBennyoooo - Dec 26, 2016 / Bennyoooo - Dec 29, 2016
YALE SHORT ANSWERS - THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS IN LIFE I LEARNED.

3 - @astrum72 Thank you for editing, I will definitely replace that sentence....

Undergraduatebarry - Dec 29, 2016 / barry - Dec 29, 2016
AN HOMELESS PERSON INFLUENCED ME. PRINCETON ESSAY

5 - @Holt Thank you very much for your help. I will post it again after editing and I like you...

Undergraduatebarry - Dec 28, 2016 / barry - Dec 29, 2016
'The right answer' - UChicago Immersion Essay - Rewarding Experience

3 - @astrum72 Thanks! I'll be sure to look at your essays. Also, I forgot to paste the whole 2nd essay...

Undergraduatesi1030 - Dec 29, 2016 / si1030 - Dec 29, 2016
Music and Brainpower- Stanford Intellectual

5 - @si1030 Yes, I really like the changes you made, I think it's so much more effective than what it...

Undergraduatesi1030 - Dec 29, 2016 / astrum72 - Dec 29, 2016
The brilliant minds at Georgia Tech - undergraduate essay for engineering

4 - First paragraph was suitable as an introduction but you need to change the second paragraph on Why you really...

Undergraduatethugzook - Dec 29, 2016 / barry - Dec 29, 2016
Stanford Intellectual Vitality Essay - Epilepsy paved the road to my future

6 - Your second essay is good, I mean it's good if you are writing a story but not for a...

Undergraduatebryant_g - Dec 28, 2016 / barry - Dec 29, 2016
MATH - an amazing experience. Talk about an extracurricular activity

4 - Thank you both!! I will focus on the second essay and correct the grammar errors you pointed....

Undergraduaternsnz18 - Dec 29, 2016 / rnsnz18 - Dec 29, 2016
"How have you Improved the Life of others" MIT prompt.

4 - @TJLuschen Those faces were of other patients....

Undergraduatezxcv - Dec 28, 2016 / zxcv - Dec 29, 2016
Breaking political apathy (princeton supplement)

3 - This problems does not have simple a solution. ..., look at their qualifications,and their stances on topics. ...

Undergraduateastrum72 - Dec 27, 2016 / potatohead - Dec 29, 2016
The value of teamwork and math and sciences. Unites States Naval Academy admissions essay

3 - @Holt Thanks for the input....

UndergraduatexMoon Hydro - Dec 28, 2016 / xMoon Hydro - Dec 29, 2016
Deep Roots (College Essay)

3 - @mualla I really appreciate your feedback. This is a Common App prompt. I am just confused at why...

Undergraduateclair_L - Dec 28, 2016 / clair_L - Dec 29, 2016
"My heart is in the work". Carnegie Mellon's mission and morals reflect my own.

3 - @Shraf39 Oh ok, thank you so much. I will get to that right now...

UndergraduateShraf39 - Dec 28, 2016 / Shraf39 - Dec 29, 2016
Yale supplementary essay: Sociology and Library

2 - @wendyli328 I'd like to suggest something to your first essay, it is really good and pleasant to read, you...

Undergraduatewendyli328 - Dec 29, 2016 / rnsnz18 - Dec 29, 2016
Duke, Why Trinity? : Program II, availability of choices

5 - @sd6599 No don't restructure your essay, the strenght of your essays is about the deep interest you have on...

Undergraduatesd6599 - Dec 27, 2016 / rnsnz18 - Dec 29, 2016

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