Writing Feedback / Immigrants from rural to urban areas: Effects and Solutions. [3]

Hi Nguyen, I would like to try to assess you based on IELTS writing band descriptor of task 2. You can see it in the detailed descriptions below.

- It is unfortunate that this sentence "In my essay, I would analyse certain impacts of this trend with regards to social problems and environmental degradation, following corresponding solutions to such urgent matter." makes the score only reach 5.0 in Task Response and coherence and cohesion part. What are the impacts? what are the solutions? Do not let the examiner question your essay, especially in the beginning of the paragraph. So, it has to be clear for the reader. You can mention them by using some keywords or paraphrasing it.

- Another 50% of your score comes from lexical resource and grammatical accuracy. I am pretty sure that you have several good points here related to band 6.0. You've attempted to use less common vocabulary but with some inaccuracy in collocation. Also, you've made some errors but fortunately they rarely reduce communication. Those are good points which can uplift your score at 6.0.

Overall, if those score are calculated, I assume that this essay is worth more or less at 5.5. However, this was just a score prediction. If other members or contributors have different point of views, I do appreciate that. Anyway, good luck for the next practice :)

Writing Feedback / The table shows the the demand for bananas and coffee in 5 countries over a 6 year period [3]

Hi Katerina, welcome to EF!

I can see that it is quite problematical for a new member to attach the necessary image about IELTS task 1. Is it difficult to upload them? I do believe that it was quite easy. Nevertheless, uploading / attaching picture will ease the reader to read and check your essay. I hope that you can post the image for the next practice (IELTS Task 1).

With regards to your essay, I would like to focus on giving you some suggestions related to the paragraph building. A well-developed essay in IELTS task 1 is an essay which has solid paragraphs. When you read your first sentence of your essay, can you call it as a paragraph? I think it is a big NO. You need to know that a solid paragraph should consist at least 3 sentences. As I can see, you didn't have any problems with paragraph building for your second and third paragraph. I would like to give your brief explanation about how to write a good and solid introduction paragraph in below description:

- 1st sentence = paraphrase the question (preferably in passive form)
- 2nd and/or 3rd sentence = write the measurement (it can be either "x-axis" or "y-axis") and the overview of the graph.

Overview is the most important part if you want to reach band 6 or above. If you don't write an overview or perhaps you've written it but it is unclear, you can only reach 5.0 or maximum 5.5 in IELTS task 1. Therefore, I suggest you to not forget it in the next practice :)

Writing Feedback / Having an outstanding career and satisfying family life are the main desires of all human beings [2]

Hi Mahdi, welcome to EssayForum :)

With regards to your essay, I can see that your essay has already well-structured and well-developed. This is a good start in learning IELTS writing. However, there is no perfect writing after-all because I still notice some rooms for improvements. I hope that some suggestions from me would be beneficial towards your writing skill development.

1st paragraph:
- You have written a strong paragraph here. You have clearly mentioned the thesis statement and the outline of thesis statement. This brings a significant impact for "coherence and cohesion" part.

2nd paragraph:
- It is unfortunate that in the last sentence you didn't write any conclusions. Not only is concluding paragraph that is important, but also concluding sentence (to conclude a paragraph). This is one of the criteria in Coherence and Cohesion part. I assume that if you want to reach band 6 or above "a clear overall progression" is needed.

3rd paragraph:
- It is indeed the same issue as the above-mentioned feedback for your second paragraph. Yet, some additional corrections related to capitalization and grammatical issue should be found by proofreading your essay several times, especially in tenses usage (the same issue as above).

4th paragraph:
- It is a nice conclusion that you have there. It is pretty clear and understandable in which you have also mentioned a recommendation in the last sentence of this paragraph. Well done!

Writing Feedback / Many offenders commit more crimes after serving the first punishment.Why is this happening ,and what [8]

Hi Rudi, reaching band 7 is not really difficult if you keep practicing regularly. Therefore, I have some additional suggestions for you in order to improve your writing, especially in IELTS. I hope you can follow through my feedback.

- I do agree with above-mentioned comments related to your content and ideas. Yet, I have different point of view related to punctuation usage. If you have IELTS writing band descriptor from IELTS.org, you will see this "may make frequent grammatical errors and punctuation may be faulty; errors can cause some difficulty for the reader". That is one of the criteria which indicates that your essay can only reach band 5 in grammatical range and accuracy part. Why? It is because that you forgot to give 1 space after a period or a comma. Perhaps, it looks simple, but it also becomes marking criteria. Just be more careful in the next practice.

- This sentence "In this essay I will try to find possible reasons for such a devastating situation and offer solutions about what can be done to reverse this adverse development." can be considered as "lack of overall progression"(another band 5 criteria for coherence and cohesion part) . You need to remember that if you want to reach band 6 or above, you need to mention what are those "possible reasons / solutions"? Mention it briefly by only stating the keywords or key-phrase. Let me give it a try:

>> Firstly, this essay will discuss the fact that offenders feel frustrated due to this devastating situation and secondly, discuss how can society play a key role to solve this problem.

- It is not suggested or I don't think that re-questioning the prompt would be a better topic sentence. Your body paragraph shouldn't start by using question as your topic sentence. Topic sentence is usually a statement, a general statement in a single sentence which related to the topic.

- Lastly, personal pronouns usage are okay but too much personal pronouns would not be good. It will make the essay less formal. You are suggested to write by using personal pronouns in the introduction and concluding paragraph only. Try to not use them in body paragraphs like what you've done before.

I hope this helps. Good luck for the next practice :)

Writing Feedback / The younger children need some help from their parents to complete their homework efficiently; IELTS [5]

Hi Jobymonpj, the detailed descriptions below are my contribution towards your essay. I hope you can follow through.

1st paragraph:
- Don't you realize that this very-long-but-complicated-and-confusing-sentence is just a single sentence? "So there is no surprise that why many parents are of the opinion that helping children in their homework is essential..............by their own." One of the ways to avoid getting band 5 is that you need to reduce your errors related to grammatical range and accuracy. Remember that one of the criteria in band 5 mentioned that "attempts complex sentences but these tend to be less accurate than simple sentences" . Therefore, composing sentence structure that you've already mastered or understood would be better approach for the next practice.

2nd paragraph:
- You can check by proofreading your essay thoroughly in this paragraph. Instead of complex sentences' errors, I think that it is better for me to remind you about capitalization usage. Typing and handwriting are different. If you cannot type (typing) by using appropriate capitalization and punctuation, how can you write by your hand (handwriting). Just be careful, punctuation and capitalization are one of the criteria in deciding the IELTS score. For instance, "....students to produce a written report. thereforeTherefore, parental help".

3rd paragraph:
- You have the same issue as above-mentioned feedback i.e. punctuation problems.

4th paragraph:
- I've found another complex-but-inaccurate-sentence. My suggestion for writing a proper conclusion is that in the first sentence you can paraphrase your thesis statement in introduction paragraph. Then, in the second and/or third sentence you can write a recommendation, hope, or fear of the future. This indicates that you have broaden issue about the topic that is currently discussed without mentioning a new matter or idea.

Hope this helps :)

Graduate / 'Princess Anne will be a great fit for me' - SOP for UMES Physical Therapy Program! [5]

Hi Danielle, welcome to EssayForum :)

I can see that your essay has already well-written indeed due to the minor flaws that you have in grammatical range and accuracy. Also, you have answered the prompt properly and appropriately. I notice that there are five essential questions that should be answered by you in your essay.

1. reasons for undertaking graduate study
2. mention specific areas of research interest
3. discuss past work in related field
4. outline your plan for professional career
5. any financial or academic circumstances

1. You have mentioned your reason clearly here. It is because you want to better the lives of others. Yet, I think you can explore it further here by adding 1 or 2 more sentences to emphasize your point.

2. It has also been clearly mentioned and also well-explained. No further comments for this part.

3. I reckon that this part was quite too much. You can reduce this part and add some sentences for the question number 1.

4. You need to outline more by adding 1 or 2 sentences rather than only say your ultimate goal in a single sentence.

5. No additional suggestions for this part. It has already well-written and well-explained.

Overall, some shifts would be beneficial towards your essay development and I suggest you to read again and mind the feedback that I have given to you. However, if you think that my feedback is not quite helpful, you can just ignore it. Perhaps, other members would give you better feedback than mine. Good luck in revising this essay :)

Writing Feedback / In my opinion, managing and maintaining interpersonal relations is the most important skill nowadays [2]

Hi Payal, here's my analysis of your essay.

1st paragraph:
- To some, success means earning huge amounts of money while to someothersit is defined it as being famous. (Comma is needed to avoid ambiguity. Also, I have replaced "to some" with "others" to avoid repetition)

- I reckon that your introduction seems too bulky and therefore, it is better to compose your introduction paragraph like this:
>> 1st sentence (paraphrase the question) okay you did this, but too many sentences were there.
>> 2nd sentence (create a thesis statement) you also wrote this
>> 3rd sentence (outline your thesis statement) it is unfortunate you only mentioned "two reasons" without giving any brief descriptions what are they.

2nd paragraph:
- Some grammatical errors related to the usage of examples were there, for instance "The external influences have a lot to contribute even if one has perseverance and determination. (you need to make sure, if period, just period, if comma just write comma. You've written comma and period in the same place) For example, Steve jobs had been a successful business leader and hashad been renowned for... (parallel sentence rule)

- to avoid repetition in the next paragraph, you can shift the usage of "for example" by "for instance, such as, like, to exemplify, to illustrate, and many more".

I have no idea why did you use many personal pronouns. I think I have said to you recently that in academic essay, it is better not to use that. It can make the essay becomes less formal. I hope this can help you in improving your writing skill. Good luck for the revision and the next practice :)

Writing Feedback / First trial of IELTS writing test sample (Task 1) before the real IELTS [6]

Hi Ramdan, I do share the same opinion with Daniel. To avoid wasting money in IELTS real test, I think that your essay-structure needs a lot of improvements. I have no idea why did you only write 1 essay here if you're going to take a real test next week. I did countless practices in order to improve my writing and posted 15 of them here. However, I hope my very-short-written-feedback here would be helpful for the development of your writing.

Paragraphing is essential, I had difficulties in determining which one is your paragraph. It is not suggested to maintain that style of writing. You need to know that an IELTS task 1 essay should consist at least 3 paragraphs (3 sentences for each paragraph). I hope the brief descriptions below (using your essay) will be helpful.

1st paragraph:
The bar graphs illustrate the data of the activities of graduate and post graduate students in United Kingdom who prefer to not work full-timely in 2000. ............................................ the least popular destination to go.

2nd paragraph:
On 2008, the amount of graduates ............................................. who were willingly to take the voluntary acivities.

3rd paragraph:
On the other hand, part-timers ....................................... graduates in UK and 1,625 out of total unemployed people held the masters degree.

That's it, it will be much easier for the examiner to read your essay. Remember that you cannot go further than 5.0. if your essay "cause some difficulty to the reader". Some spelling and grammatical errors are also existed. Due to the absence of overall progression for each paragraph and unclear overview. Therefore, I reckon that this essay is worth only 5.0.

PS: I have checked in Cambridge 10th test 3, the picture didn't match with yours.

• 
  test_threee.PNG
  

Letters / Letter of recommondation for Law School's scholarship [7]

Hi Minh Tam, welcome to EssayForum :) This is a remarkable place to practice your essay writing skill, particularly in writing a letter of recommendation. You can check the detailed feedback in the below descriptions.

- First of all, I have never seen a letter of recommendation that exceeds 400 words. Your letter is more than 700 words, it will make the letter separated into two pages. I suggest you to summarize the information that you presented into at least 300-400 words. However, if the scholarship requirement told you to create more than 700 words, it is better to follow that rule and ignore my suggestion.

- Second of all, I have found some unnecessary points that should not be appeared in the letter. One of them is your TOEIC score. Almost all scholarship applications have separated sheet for you to write any English Language test scores that you have, either IELTS, TOEFL, or perhaps TOEIC. Mentioning this part would be unnecessary.

- The good thing is, you did not have any serious problems with grammar. Therefore, you can directly post the revision after you have finished omitting and summarized some unnecessary points. Good luck for that :)

Writing Feedback / In many countries of the world few people earn extremely high salary [8]

Hi Sinchana, welcome to EssayForum :) Before moving to my feedback, I suggest you to write a proper title and question (in bold) in order to ease us in reading and checking your essay for the next post.

Here's my analysis of your essay:

1st paragraph:
- Fewsome people feel this pattern is recommended for the growth of the country, on contrarybut some populaces think that government should limit the salary drawn by individualS . (remember, few and some are different. consider the meaning once again)

- This essay discusses both pros and con'spositive and negative effects of this approach and provide a balanced opinionfollowed by reasoned conclusion.(avoid making contractions, and unnecessary abbreviations)

4nd paragraph:
In conclusion, having weighed pro's and con'sadvantages and disadvantages without a shadow of doubt, I am inclined to believe that the advantages of rendering more salary to eligible candidate is overshadowed by the disadvantages(this is "discuss both views essay", answering like this might damage "task response" score) which results in favor of county. (don't you realize that this is just a single sentence? conclusion should consist at least 2 or three sentences per paragraph)

As you can see, I did focus on your introduction and concluding paragraph. These two paragraphs are one of the essential parts that should be considered. I hope you find my feedback is helpful towards your essay development. Good luck for the next practice :)

Writing Feedback / Essay about work/life balance IELTS TASK 2 [4]

Hi Timea, welcome to EssayForum :) I would be glad to help you by mentioning some of your weaknesses. This can help you to strengthen your essay in the next practice later on. I hope you can find my feedback below would be useful towards the improvement of your writing, especially IELTS task 2.

- If in a real test you forgot to give space for each paragraph at least 1 enter, it could be dangerous towards your final grade. One of the criteria for band 4 mentioned that "may not write in paragraphs or their use may be confusing" . It might looks simple, but it is essential part in IELTS writing.

- You need to make sure that for each supporting / body paragraph, it consists of 3 sentences minimum, preferably 4 or 5. I assume that your second paragraph was just only 1 long-complex-but-confusing sentence. This should be avoided, it is better to combine the third paragraph (2 sentences) and the second paragraph (1 sentence). Perhaps the brief explanation would be as follows:

> First of all, it is no matter... (1st sentence)
> Moreover, in many cases... (2nd sentence)
> Another negative factor... (3rd sentence)

- Lastly, your essay was lack of conclusion. You need to write a concluding paragraph in the last. "No conclusions drawn" is one of the criteria of band 5. If you want to reach band 6 or above, you have to write a concluding paragraph in your essay. For your information, I would like to show you what a concluding paragraph should look like in short description below:

Concluding paragraph:
- 1st sentence (paraphrase the thesis statement from your introduction paragraph / summarize all the information into 1 final sentence)
- 2nd sentence (write a recommendation/fear/suggestion/hope for the future)

That's it Timea, I hope that you can follow through my feedback above. Good luck for the next practice :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Academic Writing task 2 - The Person Who Should Teach Children [6]

Fahra, welcome to EssayForum :) I am glad to see there are many new members in this forum recently. However, you need to know that in this forum, members are suggested to deliver a meaningful feedback towards other members. It is unfortunate that some of them were suspended due to meaningless feedback that they sent. Therefore, my suggestion to anyone who read this post, not only you, especially new members. You need to give at least more than just 1 or 2 sentences feedback. "The more the better". Making only 1 or 2 sentences feedback will lead to suspension (it can be temporary or permanent, depends on the mistakes).

Furthermore, I think that I just go directly in delivering my feedback related to your introduction and conclusion paragraphs.

1st paragraph (introduction):
- Aside from paraphrasing the question and create a thesis statement. If you want to reach band 6 or above, you need to mention brief descriptions of your ideas. It is really unfortunate that you only stop by only mentioning your thesis statement, not the outline of it. So, I suggest you to make an outline of your thesis statement to reach a higher band score than this one.

4th paragraph (conclusion):
- Talking about conclusion, besides delivering the summary of your ideas or paraphrase your thesis statement. You need to give a recommendation/fear/hope for the future. This means that you have broaden knowledge about the topic that you are able to discuss it further. In addition, I think you can use some common cohesive devices to avoid inaccuracies. "For those reason mentioned above" is quite unfamiliar and less formal. You need to know that in academic essay/writing, FANBOYS usage in the beginning of the sentence should be avoided. If you have no idea what is FANBOYS, I assume that FANBOYS are For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet, So. All these seven words are considered as coordinating conjunction, not a cohesive devices. Thus, be careful next time and good luck :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 essay practice - Population Distribution in two different countries, two different year [4]

Hi Fatma, I would like to try to assess you based on IELTS writing band descriptors of task 1. I hope my assessment would be as accurate as the real one. You can see it in the detailed descriptions below.

Task Achievement:
- It is the most crucial part if you want to achieve band 6 or above. Your essay cannot go further than 5.0 because there is no clear overview of the pie charts in the beginning nor in the end of the essay. You can say that "Overall, it can be seen that, Yemen middle age group population are predicted to be improved, while Italy are the opposite."

Coherence and Cohesion:
- Due to the absence of clear overall progression, I reckon that it is unfortunate this essay can only reach 5.5. Actually, some of your cohesive devices were accurate. This helps you to reach some of the negative features of band 6, which then makes your essay coherence and cohesion has risen to 5.5.

Although I don't clearly mention Lexical resource and grammatical part, I think that it will be enough to say the final grade of this writing. I think it is about 5.0 or 5.5 maximum. This was because your complex sentences tend to be less accurate than simple sentences. In the next practice, you need to be careful that fragments can be considered a fatal error in grammar. Try to be more aware next time, especially when you write complex sentences. It is possibly drag your band score down if you keep doing the same mistakes. However, this was just my point of view. Don't be afraid of making any mistakes, you can learn from these errors. I hope you can do better in the next practice. Good Luck :)

Student Talk / For college students who use this service - have you gotten into the colleges? [21]

Hi Alvius, I think that you've misinterpreted our feedback. Somehow "spicy" feedback means that we are really care about your essay, we hope that you can gain some improvements, we hope that our feedback would be helpful. The reason why did we rarely praise someone's essay in this forum is that to make them actively participate in this forum. I can see it is so unfortunate that only few people who constantly practice or give their feedback towards other members' essays. For me, mentioning weaknesses and give solutions are the best approach to them because they will feel that they STILL need improvements. If I just praise their works all the time, what would happened? they just say thanks and go away. It will make them satisfied too soon and gain nothing. Even Mark Zuckerberg, the creator of Facebook, also mentioned the Harvard Connection flaws which means that the security system STILL needs improvement.

However, I hope that you're not going to be reluctant anymore in posting your essay here. Spicy feedback doesn't mean harsh right? I believe that those feedback are still on their tracks in order to help you and any other members in this forum to gain improvements. Perhaps, the thing that you need to do is to open your mind and think positive about any feedback which come for you :)

Writing Feedback / More enhancements in security system due to the recent upsurge in the number of offences [6]

Minh, making a 5-paragraph essay is okay. But, I think it is not preferable. Somehow, it is quite complicated to write an IELTS essay for more than 4 paragraphs. The idea development would possibly be scattered and messy or jumpy. This should be avoided in IELTS writing. All the sentences and paragraphs should be coherent if you want to reach a high score in writing. However, I am going to just focus on the introduction part since that is the first impression of the examiner and also a high band score in writing means good introduction (it doesn't mean that you should neglect the body paragraphs. No, it wasn't like that. Body paragraph is also essential, but in your case, learning from the introduction would be better than directly move to body paragraph).

1st paragraph (introduction paragraph):
- ...during recent years. (mind the punctuation marks, period should be placed directly after the last letter)
- In my opinion, the goodpoints of this approach far eclipse its drawbacks for several reasons.(instead of writing this one, you need to clearly mention what are the reasons in brief.)it is first, because of a secured life guarantee and second, it helps to improve the economy of a country.(I didn't write the third idea, you can modify it by yourself)

In brief, a strong and well-organized introduction paragraph would look like this:
1st sentence = paraphrase the question (you did this)
2nd sentence = create a thesis statement (your essay was missing this part)
3rd sentence = outline the thesis statement (I have corrected this part in above correction)

As you can see Minh, those are the necessary parts that should be written in introduction paragraph. Good luck for the next practice. The more practice the better. :)

Writing Feedback / The diagrams illustrate the growth of Salmon, one of the species of big fish. IELTS Task 1 practice [7]

Akbar, I am glad that finally you've had your first training of IELTS writing. Although it was quite a bit late to give you my insights, I hope that you can still consider this as meaningful feedback.

- Your paragraphing was quite confusing. Try to give at least one space (1 enter) for each paragraph in order to ease us in reading your essay. Also, the reader is able to determine which one is the paragraphs.

- You have to know that in IELTS task 1, you are not allowed to give your opinion. You have that chance in Task 2. These are the phrases that can be considered as an assumption or opinion: 1. ...one of the species of big fish.(the picture didn't mention anything about this) , 2. The smolt now becomes adult salmon completely(complete growth is never mentioned)

- When you are writing a diagram process, you are suggested to use passive sentences more often than the active one. For instance, you need to know that instead of writing this "This fish needs to reach to each of these phases..." , better writing this one "each phase is necessary to be reached by them." or this "Salmon lay its eggs in the upper river" become this "the eggs are laid in the upper river by salmon" , this one "The fry grows into smolt" can be in the form of this one "The fry is grown to be a smolt/into a smolt" , and many more.

- The organization of your essay was also quite scrambled. You are suggested to write 3 intact paragraphs with the details as follows:

1st paragraph (introduction paragraph):
- paraphrase the question, preferably in passive form (1st sentence)
- show the measurement (2nd sentence)
- write a clear overview of the main trends (3rd sentence)

2nd and 3rd paragraph (body paragraphs):
- group the information clearly, the information should be grouped in a logical way that shows the writer has taken some time to analyze the diagram and understood the trends taking place. So that the first one would be "topic sentence (with no data)" that give main idea of the paragraphs also make this a well-organized and clear answer.

- the second and the third sentence would be the important data only. It is probably not possible to describe every point or change in the graph or diagram, especially if it is a complicated one. You should not try to do this as you need to show you can identify the key points. Also, avoid making too detail paragraph, for instance you describe a whole process in a single sentence.

As you can see, that was quite a lot of feedback. I hope you can follow through mate. Good luck for the next practice. The more you practice the better :D :D

Writing Feedback / The percentage of average food budget family for eating in restaurant is depicted in the pie charts [2]

Hi Rere, it is nice to see quite a lot of improvements coming from your essay. I reckon that you were able to follow through my previous feedback. The information given was pretty clearly depicted all the necessary points and main features. However, I can still see some rooms left for improvements. Thus, I would give you some additional helps to fulfill the empty rooms that you needed to fulfill, especially in terms of paraphrasing to avoid repetition words usage.

1st paragraph:
- The percentage of average ........ 1970, 1980, 1990 and 2000.A description about the proportion of the average family spending on meals budget in restaurant cuisines in four distinct years is illustrated in the pie charts

- Furthermore, the number ...........line graph for the same years.Meanwhile, the number of food eaten in fast food and sit-down restaurants is depicted in the line graph.

- Overall, it can be seen that, there wasisan annual significant increase for both restaurants but in the middle of the period, fast food surpassed sit-down restaurants' meals budget percentage.there is a significant increase in food budget from year to year.

As you can see, I think that the new alternative is adequately strong to cover the overview and all the necessary points. I hope you can find my feedback is fruitful. Good luck for the next practice :)

Writing Feedback / Writing Practice: USA Summer Camp job application (Need Correction) [3]

Hi Wilson, please find my feedback below.

- I'mI am a student in collegecollege student from Taiwan, Taipei.
- In order to enrich my liveslife , I always look for the activities that are meaningfulvarious meaningful activities , such as the summer camp in my faculty, particularly the orientation camp.

- SoThus,I'mI amreally enjoyed/pleased toa fan of join different kinds of extracurricular activities.
- I think I'm enthusiastic enoughI am adequately enthusiastic to take part in the USA SUMMER CAMPS, not only because I am very fond of American culture, but also I have a lot of experience about holding similar activities.

- I believe that the experience will causeenable me to giveconvey good idea when planning the activities.
- Furthermore, I have been traveled to the USA twice.(stop, new sentence)Otherwise since I've been to US for twiceHence, I know how to get used to the daily worksroutines and the people there, then I can soonimmediately get on track.

- My favorite sport is basketballBasketball is the most favorite sport of mine , and it'sit isdefinitelyundoubtedly very popular in the US. (stop, new sentence) I think I can teach some basic technique and training (no comma) since the children aged 8-12...

- I know some about how to cookcooking techniques but I'mI am not a master hand, I mayam pretty sure that I am going to be adequately suited to work in the kitchens that I sometimes couldn't give a hand , at least I wouldn'twill not mess up the work.

- And the lastFinally,I think I have no problem in interacting with children in generalcan speak and interact with the children with no problem , my English may not be excellentperfect , but I'llI will try my best to communicate!

I hope this helps. Good luck in revising this letter. Please do let me know if you need further assistance :)

Writing Feedback / The chart and graph below give information about sales and share prices for Coca-Cola. [5]

Hi Pham, welcome to EssayForum :) Before moving on to my feedback, I would like to say that you need to upload the picture/chart/diagram when you post IELTS writing task 1 essay practice. By uploading the picture, it will ease members and contributors in this forum to further read and check your analysis of the chart/picture/diagram given. Moreover, you are also suggested to give at least 1 space (1 enter) for each paragraph to ease the reader in checking your essay.

1st paragraph:
- The pie chart describes the sales volume of Coca-Cola in five regions, whereas the graph ...

2nd paragraph:
- Overall, while North America and the Latin America made up the vast majority of Coca-Cola consumption, Middle East accounted for the least proportion of all. Over the 1996-20015-year period, there was a drastic change in the share price of Coca-Cola .

It is better to combine those paragraphs into 1 strong and solid introduction paragraph rather than making incomplete paragraph like that. You need to complete the way that you present the information in the overview / introduction of your essay. You accidentally created only 1 sentence in what was otherwise a very strong start to your essay. Your mistake was compressing the information into the 1 sentence you presented. Format your opening statement into at least three sentences this way:

The pie chart describes... (1st sentence)
Overall, while North America... (2nd sentence)
Over the 1996-2001 period,... (3rd sentence)

As you can see, strong introduction and overview is one of the requirements to reach band 6 or above. The above suggestions are related to that matter. I hope you can follow through the feedback. Good luck for the next practice :)

Writing Feedback / Discuss The Effects of Unplanned Urban Expansion [4]

Emin, you need to remember to write a proper title for this essay whether it is IELTS, TOEFL, or any other types of essays. However, I assume that this is an IELTS essays because of the similar discussions which displayed below your essay. I also understand that you were quite confused about what should you write because you didn't fulfill the minimum words limit of TASK 2 properly. Your essay was only 178 words.

Therefore, I would like to give you some tips related to how to compose an IELTS task 2 essay.

1st paragraph (introduction paragraph):
1st sentence - paraphrase the question by using synonyms and your own words
2nd sentence - give a thesis statement
3rd sentence - give outline about the thesis statement

2nd paragraph (body paragraph 1):
1st sentence - give one idea
2nd sentence - give a reason WHY this idea is true
3rd sentence - give an example of it
4th sentence - say what the implications / effects of this example are
5th sentence - conclude the paragraph

3rd paragraph (body paragraph 2):
1st sentence - give one idea
2nd sentence - give a reason WHY this idea is true
3rd sentence - give an example of it
4th sentence - say what the implications / effects of this example are
5th sentence - conclude the paragraph

4th paragraph (concluding paragraph):
1st sentence - paraphrase the thesis statement in your introduction paragraph by using synonyms and your own words
2nd sentence - give some personal opinions, or your hopes, fears, recommendations about the issue

I am sure that by following the tips above, you can reach more than 250 words. 15 sentences (combination of simple and complex sentences) would reach the minimum words limit of 250 words. Therefore, you can upload the revision of your essay below my feedback. Good luck for that :)

Writing Feedback / Governments spend a lot money on improving Internet access. Why? Is it the most appropriate use? [7]

Nguyen, remember that you need to write a proper title by mentioning that whether it is a TOEFL, IELTS, or other types of essays. I assume that this is a TOEFL essay due to the similar discussions which appear below your essay. Therefore, you can see my contributions in the detailed descriptions below.

1st paragraph (introduction paragraph):
- It is unfortunate that in this paragraph you didn't write any thesis statements. You only stated that "there is a variety of reasons" without mentioning the details what are the reasons. You need to explain it clearly by mentioning the keywords or key-phrase in your thesis statement. Remember, the first sentence is paraphrase the question, the second sentence is thesis statement, and the third sentence is the outline of the thesis statement.

4th paragraph (concluding paragraph):
- Both introduction and conclusion are the most essential part of the essay itself. Those are the parts that is going to be seen first rather than supporting paragraphs. Therefore, what you need to do in this paragraph is that first, paraphrase the thesis statement that you've mentioned in the introduction (it is already considered as the summary) and second, give your stance (answer) including the recommendation/hope/fear about the future. This indicates that you actually have broaden views about the topic which you can possibly discuss it further.

There you have it Nguyen, I hope you can gain some improvements in the next practice. Do not hesitate to ask if you need further assistance. Good luck for the next practice :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS task2: Global warming and deforestation? Which has more devastating impact on our world? [2]

Phonepasong, I can see that you have gained a lot of improvements relating to the flow of ideas and the organization of your essay. Yet, I also can see that there are still some rooms for you to enhance your essay writing skill. Therefore, I would focus on your introduction and conclusion because I didn't find any serious problems with your body paragraphs.

1st paragraph (introduction paragraph):
- It is thought by someargued(your previous words were unclear. some? who? animals? bugs? workers?) that the most severe trouble is global warming, whereas others believe that influence of deforestation is worse.

- This essay agrees that global warming is consideredconsiders to be drastic issue of our planet to deal with.

4th paragraph (concluding paragraph)
- Hence, it is(who believe this? you? Why don't you just write "I"? Remember, the prompt is "discuss both sides and give your opinion") strongly believed that the global warming is a global problem in 21st century which everyone should raise awareness on how to counters with it.be aware of.

As you can see, I understand that you want to make your essay as formal as possible or as academic as possible. But, IELTS is somehow different. It needs YOUR opinion, which relates to the personal pronoun usage. Therefore, it is okay to use them AS LONG AS you are not over-using them. I reckon that IELTS is not a 100% academic essay, so that you are allowed to use personal pronouns, especially for introduction and conclusion to strengthen your points. Keep practicing, you're getting better mate! :)

Research Papers / Thying to solve and look for solutions, on the immigration issue. [3]

Carlos, welcome to EssayForum :) It is a really long essay indeed. I would like to directly mention some of your weaknesses in this essay with hope that you would be able to strengthen it in the next draft. You can see the detailed descriptions of them below. I hope my feedback is going to be helpful towards your writing development.

- I have seen so many coordinating conjunctions in inappropriate places. You need to avoid using them in the beginning of the sentence. Those are FANBOYS (For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet, So). Using one of them in the beginning of the sentence can affect the formality of your essay. Therefore, your essay becomes less formal. You have to remember that in academic essay, you are not supposed to use FANBOYS in the beginning of the sentence. There are many other replacements rather than those words, such as But = However, And = In addition, So = Thus, and many more. Due to a large number of revisions about that, I reckon that you can look for it by yourself.

- Don't, won't, it's, and any other contractions are also not appropriate to be used in academic essay. It also makes your essay becomes informal. Remember that contractions only can be used in spoken and informal written form, such as letter for a friend, love letter, and any other informal letters. Also, due to the large number of revisions concerning this matter, I think that you can revise it by yourself.

- You often forget about the comma rules. Cohesive devices should be followed by comma. For instance, in these two sentences (taken from your essay) "Lately, the entire world had faced..." and "Hopefully, one day the solution..." you forget to give those commas. I suggest to you to search about the similar mistakes in the whole essay of yours.

There you have it Carlos, I hope you can follow through my feedback above. Additionally, you can give at least 1 space (1 enter) for each paragraph in the next draft. Those spaces would help us to further read and check your research paper. Good luck in revising this draft. I am waiting for your upcoming revision. :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 - The diagram reveals how to use an automatic photo booth [2]

Rere, complete the way that you present the information in the overview / introduction of your essay. You accidentally created only two sentences in what was otherwise a very strong start to your essay. Your mistake was compressing the information into the two sentences you presented. Format your opening statement into at least three sentences this way:

The diagram reveals... (1st sentence)
This includes the explanation for several essential parts of automatic photo booth. (2nd sentence)
Overall, there are six steps.... (3rd sentence)

You need to remember that each paragraph of your essay needs to have at least 3 sentences in each before it can even be considered acceptable by the examiner. The idea is to have you present a complete thought and understanding of all the aspects of the chart you were provided. By limiting yourself to only 2 sentences per paragraph, you fail to display your ability to express yourself in the English language, which is a major component of the scoring system. Hopefully, you can gain some improvements in the next practice by considering my feedback. Good luck for that :)

Writing Feedback / Information technology subjects should be focused instead of unusable subjects such as music or art [3]

Hi Jakkapong, welcome to the EssayForum :) although it is quite late to respond your essay. I hope that my feedback can still be helpful towards your writing development. First of all, I think you need to write a proper title for the next post by mentioning the details about this essay. For instance, it can be IELTS, TOEFL, Scholarship, or College Assignment essay. Thus, I assume that this is an IELTS essay because of that is the most common essay which uploaded here. Before moving on to the feedback, I reckon that for the next post you need to separate the paragraph by using at least 1 space (1 enter) like the other essays in this forum. However, you can see the detailed feedback in the descriptions below.

1st paragraph (introduction paragraph):
- I think the introduction was too bulky. In introduction paragraph you should only paraphrase the question (1st sentence), create a thesis statement (2nd sentence), and Outline your thesis statement (3rd sentence).

2nd paragraph (body paragraph 1):
- Your cohesive devices are redundant, "To begin with" has the same meaning like "Initially". Besides, you have also used personal pronouns in this paragraph. It should not be there. It is better to change "We" to "People". Over-use of personal pronoun makes the essay becomes less formal.

3rd paragraph (body paragraph 2):
- Too short, it is not supposed to be only two sentences. It will be considered as lack of elaboration and will badly damage your final grade. You need to make at least three sentences for this. For example, you can write a topic sentence (1st sentence), explain the topic sentence (2nd sentence), and give example(s) of that (3rd sentence).

4th paragraph (concluding paragraph):
- Avoid making fragment like this "SoThus , that they should not been removed from schools." It can be considered as grammatical error, and it is possible to affect your final grade. Also, using "So" is not appropriate in academic essay. This can be considered as less formal.

That's it Jakkapong, I hope that you can follow through. Do not hesitate to ask if you need further assistance. Good luck for the next practice :)

Writing Feedback / The effects of corruption on society - it's the chronic problems on the top of the world [5]

Hi Rachel, I notice that you have already gotten a comprehensive feedback from one of EssayForum members. That was really good I think. However, I can see why did you failed your previous exam. I do agree with Yon in this case, lack of organization would badly damage the final grade of your essay. Before that, I would like to say that it is better if you give at least 1 space (1 enter) for each paragraph. This will ease the reader or examiner to read and check your essay. Furthermore, I have several suggestions about how to create an essay with good organization for you in order to help you improve your band score in IELTS writing. I hope you can follow through the feedback below:

Introduction paragraph:
1st sentence = Paraphrase the question by using your own words and synonyms.
2nd sentence = Create a thesis statement
3nd sentence = Outline your thesis statement by using some keywords or key-phrase(s)

Body paragraph 1:
1st sentence = Give one idea
2nd sentence = Give a reason WHY this idea is true
3rd sentence = Give an example of it
4th sentence = Say what the implications / effects of this examples are
5th sentence = Conclude the paragraph

Body paragraph 2:
1st sentence = Give one idea
2nd sentence = Give a reason WHY this idea is true
3rd sentence = Give an example of it
4th sentence = Say what the implications / effects of this examples are
5th sentence = Conclude the paragraph

Conclusion paragraph:
1st - 2nd sentence = summarize your main points or you can paraphrase your thesis statement (it can be more than 1 sentence)
3rd sentence = give fear of the future, suggestion, or recommendation.

There you have it Rachel, I hope you can gain some improvements by following my contributions above. Good luck for the next practice :)

Writing Feedback / What is one kind of plant that is important to you or the people in your country? (wheat) [5]

Hi Payal, I can see that you have gathered a comprehensive feedback from one of EssayForum members related to the coherence and cohesion of your essay. That was a good feedback anyway. You can see that sometimes your ideas are actually not running well and little bit jumpy. Those are the helps that you need.

With regards to further corrections and feedback to your essay, you can see it in the detailed descriptions below.

1st paragraph:
- Green plants, plants which possess chlorophyll, take part in photosynthesis and release oxygen. (adding appositive like this would be better I guess)
- Plants are a major source of food ................... a cleaner environment.(These sentences are not necessary because first, it is the language use that supposed to be appeared in body paragraphs not in introduction (too details) and second, example is also supposed to be appeared in body paragraphs)

- In my view(There are two options for this that you can choose one of them)From my point of view / In my opinion , it is the most important...

2nd paragraph: (I focus on the most noticeable errors only)
- Hence, increased income for the farmers and higher revenues for the countryare beneficial for the country . (fragment can be considered as a fatal grammatical error because it makes the sentence unclear. Avoid making that kind of mistakes, please do remember that a sentence should have at least 1 subject and 1 verb.)

3rd paragraph: (I focus on the most noticeable errors only)
- Flour from hard wheatswheat is rich... (wheat is uncountable)
- Several healthy benefits of wheat have been suggested by some doctors . (be careful with word formation and complement (if you say have been suggested, have been suggested by who?))

4th paragraph: (I focus on the most noticeable errors only)
- ...wheat has a commercial value and havehas many health benefits. (remember, a parallel sentence should have the same type of verb)

As you can see Payal, those are another feedback from me. I hope you can find it helpful towards your writing development. I can see that you have gained some improvements in the flow of ideas development. Good luck for the next practice :)

Writing Feedback / The goverment should reduce the amount of money spent on local environment problems [3]

Hi Aldi, I can see that you have gathered a very comprehensive feedback from one of EssayForum members and contributors. I hope you find their feedback are helpful for your writing development, especially in IELTS writing task 2. I do agree with all the feedback that have been delivered by them. Your essay was lack of tenses consistency. You need to be consistent in determining what kind of tenses that you are going to use. This would make your essay runs smoothly and you will possibly earn a high score in coherence and cohesion part.

Another tips related to how to get a high score in IELTS writing is that you are suggested to use some synonyms in order to avoid repetition. However, using synonyms can be dangerous if you cannot use it in an appropriate place, and consider the collocation. I have several tips that I got from one of the recommended websites that have been mentioned by Ilham above. (IELTSadvantage.com, I did simplify some of the tips by paraphrasing it to make it easy to understand)

- You are suggested to only change the word that you are 100% sure the meanings are the same.
- If you change it, the grammar must also be correct
- Be particularly careful with the keywords from the question
- If you can't think of a synonym, better explain it briefly by your own words
- If you are unsure, don't change it. It is better to be repetitive and correct rather than forcing a synonym and be wrong.

Writing Feedback / Water used for different purposes in six wide territories all over - IELTS. ACADEMIC WRITING, TASK 1 [3]

Dinara, I would like to try to asses you based on IELTS writing band descriptors of Task 1. I hope that my assessment would be as accurate as the real one. I will try to be as objective as possible. You can see the complete feedback below.

Task Achievement:
- You have generally addressed the task but unfortunately, the format was in inappropriate place. You need to remember that in task 1 you are not allowed to give your opinion. "This is no surprise" is one of them. It makes your essay have a tendency to focus on details. Therefore, it is unfortunate that for this aspect you can only get 5.0.

Coherence and Cohesion:
- You have presented information with some organization but it is unfortunate that the organization was quite scrambled. Also, your cohesive devices were inadequate. This also makes this part cannot go further than 5.0.

Lexical Resource:
- Due to the additional opinion from your essay, some of your lexical resource that comes from your opinion are not counted. This was minimally adequate for the task. Some spelling errors like "hemishphere = hemisphere, and suprisingly = surprisingly" were not impede the communication. It is more likely that you can still reach 5.5 in this part.

Grammatical Range and Accuracy:
- It is unfortunate that you have only used limited range of structures. You have attempted complex sentences but these tend to be less accurate than simple sentences. Thus, 5.0 will be your score.

Overall, I think this essay is worth 5.0 or if the examiner is really kind, I think 5.5 will be awarded to this essay. My suggestion for the next practice is that please read more sample answers in many IELTS websites, such as IELTSbuddy.com, IELTSadvantage.com, and many more. I believe that it would be helpful towards your writing skill development. Good luck for the next practice :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: In many countries, there are 24 -hour TV programs. Is it a positive or negative development? [2]

Keely, I would like to suggest you to write based on IELTS writing band descriptors of Task 2. It is available on IELTS.org. I reckon that it is extremely useful. One of the tips that I got from IELTSadvantage.com is to think like an examiner. If you think that way, you will be aware about your ideas development.

Furthermore, there are four essential criteria in IELTS writing task 2. Those are Task Response, Coherence and Cohesion, Lexical Resource, and Grammatical Range and Accuracy. If your target is band 6 or above. You need to know that in Task Response part for band 6, you have to "present a relevant position although the conclusion may become unclear or repetitive" . But it is unfortunate that your essay has no relevant position. Why? If the question asks you about is it a positive or negative, you need to choose one side only and explore it further. Some teachers advise that you can choose both sides but this often leads to an essay with no clear focus and a confusing structure. In worst case, "unclear position" is the criteria of band 4.

However, you do not have to worry. There are still 3 other criteria of IELTS that can be graded. It is possible if you are stronger in 1 or 2 parts, you can achieve high score. Please learn more from that band descriptors and read many sample answers to help you. Good luck for the next practice :)

Graduate / Hi all! Here's my draft statement of intent for MFA Fashion Design. Need help with editing :) [10]

Hi Shruti, I think that you have gathered a very comprehensive feedback from one of EssayForum contributors. It is also nice to see another draft revision of yours. If you have followed the feedback from Grace, I just want to continue to further check your essay and give some corrections if possible. I hope you find it helpful.

1st paragraph:
- The worlds of science &and fashion mesmerizesmesmerize me. (avoid writing a symbol for an academic essay) and (subject-verb agreement problem)
- I took science and became an Engineer. andThen now is the time to explore fashion.
- ...my childhood I havehad enjoyed designing...
- ...fabric into beautiful, unique,beautifully unique creation of ours.

2nd paragraph:
- There were numerous times when I came across an apparel or an accessory and thought to myself... (no comma needed because after "and" is only verb)

- eachevery time my friends also said that I must consider making a career in thethis field since...

3rd paragraph:
- ...I would be moving to California from Indiafrom India to California ...
- I learnt about your(better write the name) institute, one among the top fashion schools...
- ...a Masters degree in Fashion Design.
- I had the opportunity to visit the Annual Graduation Fashion Show of 2016 and seesaw the amazing...
- Recently, I tookhave taken a tour of the campus...

Writing Feedback / Pros and cons of taking year off and traveling as a backpacker or working in a small company; IELTS2 [6]

Hi Yon, I would like to focus on your introduction and conclusion paragraph. I hope you can find my feedback is helpful towards your writing development, especially in IELTS writing task 2. You can see the detailed descriptions of them below.

1st paragraph (introduction):
- Some said this idea was good for teenagers to have... ("Good" is not suggested to be used in IELTS essay. The level of that word is really low. You are not going to achieve a high band score if you still use some basic vocabularies. There are many intermediate or advanced words to replace "good", such as amazing, marvelous, awesome, outstanding, remarkable, valuable, and many others.)

- Some said this idea was good for teenagers to have a relaxing year while others argued the financial burden caused.(do not let the reader or examiner questioning your essay. I assume the red one is advantage, and the blue one is disadvantage. But, the red one seems to simplistic. If you say it was "good", what is/ what are the goodness of that? you need to clearly mention the same thing like your disadvantage point. It was clear that it is about financial burden.)

- This essay covers both pros, cons and will give personal point of view at the end. (pros and cons are abbreviations from Latin word pro et contra, the same case as e.g. or i.e. You need to avoid using them in academic essay. It makes your essay looks informal. I would like to suggest to use "arguments for and against / strength and weakness / positive and negative / many other options that you can browse or read by yourself)

4th paragraph (conclusion):
- In shortIn conclusion , a meaningful gap year... ("in short" was not appropriate I guess. It is the same as "in brief" and it would not point any clear conclusions.)

- I have no further corrections. I think that the rest of the conclusion paragraph was okay. Perhaps, paraphrasing the thesis statement from your introduction would be better.

There you have it Yon, I hope you can follow through my feedback above. Good luck for the next practice :)

Research Papers / Research paper about declawing - why declawing cats is detrimental to their health and well-being. [4]

Hi Dirilo, I think it is better for you to immediately delete or edit your feedback in Payal's essay. A feedback like that is considered as meaningless and less helpful. Never write a single sentence feedback to any essays in this forum. This can lead to a temporary or permanent suspension. I know that this is a common problem for a new member. Therefore, I suggest you to do that. You have 20 minutes only to re-edit your feedback or perhaps better delete it and make a new one. I think that it will be really unfortunate to be suspended in this valuable website.

However, about your essay, I would like to point out some of your weaknesses in this research paper. I hope you can find my feedback below is helpful.

- Research paper should be written academically. I think you have violated some of the academic essay/paper rules. First, never write FANBOYS (For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet, So) in the beginning of the sentence. FANBOYS are coordinating conjunctions, not cohesive devices. This would make your paper becomes less formal. There are some proper cohesive devices rather than using FANBOYS. For instance, For = With regards to/meanwhile/while, And = in addition/additionally, But = however/nevertheless/notwithstanding, and many more.

- I have no idea why did you separate your paragraphs becomes dirilo 1 until 7. Are those page numbers? Why don't you just write page 1 - 7? I think that it is quite short for a page. But I assume that you make the font bigger and wide space per line to make it 1 page even if it is short.

- You need to proofread your essay about "plural and singular", "inaccurate complex sentences", and "subject-verb agreement" issues. I have found some of them but it was quite random due to many pages that you have written. If you still have any difficulties to find it, just post the revision below, and I would like to point out those mistakes for you.

Good luck for that :)

Writing Feedback / Human activity have posed a serious threat to the environment. [4]

Hi Payal, it is nice to be working with you again. I would like to focus on delivering my feedback related to your introduction and conclusion paragraph. I hope you find my feedback is helpful towards your essay TOEFL writing development.

1st (introduction) paragraph:
- The recent advances in technology hashave created unprecedented... ("advances" is plural)
- The rise of the Internetand the growth of aviation industry are some of the few areas... (mind the coordinating conjunction, capitalization, and article usage.)

- ButHowever, for all these advances, a cost has been paid. (avoid using "But" in the beginning of the sentence. It is considered as informal in academic essay)

- Therefore, I have two main reasons to support my argument which...

4th (conclusion) paragraph:
- In conclusion, human activity havehas posed a serious.. ("activity" is singular. "activities" is plural)
- The over-use of oils has...
- Additionally, ...the natural resources which makes global warming isbecomes a serious concern. Thus, all these facts make me believe human... (I have combined the sentence about "oil" to global warming. Using "additionally/in addition" as cohesive device in the last paragraph is dangerous. The examiner can consider it as a new idea. Conclusion should never mention any new ideas.)

That's it Payal, I hope that you can follow through the feedback above and gain some improvements from that. Good luck for the next practice :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Does Advertising encourage people to buy in quantity rather than promoting its quality? [6]

Keely, I believe that helping you further means that you need to post a new essay practice thread. If you post a new essay practice thread, I can give further comments to see your improvement so far. Even better, I can assess your essay based on IELTS writing task 1 or task 2 band descriptors. I just hope that my score prediction is as accurate as the real one.

However, you can also give peer-review to other IELTS essays task 1 or task 2 in this forum in order to improve your writing skill, especially in IELTS writing. Giving peer-review would help you to think one step ahead and read the essay from different perspective. I also recommend to use practice material from Cambridge IELTS e-books. There are many of them, you can choose from Cambridge IELTS 1 to Cambridge IELTS 11. Those books also have some sample writing answers as a score prediction guidance. What kind of Essay that get band 5, band 6, or more than that. You can see all of them in Cambridge IELTS e-books.

So, I am waiting for the upcoming essay practice of yours. I hope that I can give my best advice towards your writing development. Do let me know if you need additional feedback or guidance in IELTS writing. Good luck for the next practice. :)

Scholarship / Essay about "The Greatest Success Of My Life" for one of the scholarship requirements. [4]

Ashri, I would like to say thank you for appreciating our works here on EF. I think that you can also give meaningful feedback toward other members' essays in this remarkable website. Meaningful feedback doesn't mean that you give only one or two sentences feedback. You need to give a comprehensive analysis by reciting some weaknesses and its solutions to strengthen them. Sometimes it consists of a paragraph or more. This is also one of the way to improve your English writing skills, especially when it relates to scholarship requirements.

As you know, you also need to give at least two meaningful feedback to other members' essays before posting a new thread. Avoid making too short feedback, this can lead to temporary or permanent suspension. It will be really unfortunate to be suspended in such valuable website. You are suggested to maintain your active participation in order to be able to post a new essay practice or essay draft in the future.

However, if we're talking about LPDP scholarship. I reckon that you still have one more essay that should be written in English. I would be happy to read and check them. You can post it as a new thread because I believe that the title is different. If I am not mistaken, it is about your present, past, and future contributions toward your country. It should be written for at least 500 and maximum 700 words. Do not hesitate to seek further assistance to your upcoming essay draft. Good luck in composing that essay :)

Scholarship / Why would you like to attend Wreck Camp and how will it help you succeed? [2]

Juan, it is also nice to be working with you. As always, your essay is always almost flawless. It is difficult to see your weaknesses. I just found some of them. I hope this will be helpful :)

- I want to form a bond with them by learning their stories and their dreams and what brought them here, because they are special too, and hopefully I get to inspire them by sharing my story ofabout how I overcame obstacles to get to GT. (preposition "of" should be followed by "the story" not "my story". If "my story", the correct preposition is "about".)(coordinating conjunctions should not be appeared three times in a single sentence, like "and" taking from your essay)

- ...to this new college environment that is college .
- I want to succeed, and Wreck will provide me with that invaluable opportunity. (emphasize your noun by giving an adjective)
- YetHowever, what is most significant... (FANBOYS, "yet" is included.)
- I want to be one of those students someday, and I am really sure Wreck Camp will introduce me to them. (if using "and" with a comma, I think you need to write a complete subject and verb (1 clause))

Overall, I like the coherence and cohesion of your essay. It is well-linked indeed. Good luck in revising this essay, and I hope other members or contributors are going to be able to help you more than I could. :)

Undergraduate / 'very impressed with what I saw' - advice on my Naval Academy Personal Statement Admissions Essay [3]

Hi Hughes, welcome to EssayForum :) With regards to your essay, I think it was already well-written indeed. You have already answered the prompt appropriately. The flow of ideas was also well-developed. I like the way you link your ideas by using proper cohesive devices. Yet, there is no perfect essay after-all. There are still some rooms for improvements. I would like to mention some of them in the descriptions below:

- I reckon that the first thing that you can do to strengthen your essay is by separating your paragraphs. It was quite bulky for just an answer. Even though the first prompt was only 1 sentence, it actually has two major questions that you should answer. The first one was "Describe what led to your initial interest in the naval service" and the second question is "how the Naval Academy will help you achieve your long range goals?" . You accidentally answered the first question in 5 sentences long, but you only answered the second question in just 2 sentences. These two sentences were inadequately covered all the necessary points and make your essay became imbalance. I think that it is better to make it equal or perhaps the first question's answer should be shorter than the second one because the second question is the most important part that you should develop further.

- The next thing that you need to do is by doing the same thing as the previous suggestion. Yet, the difference is that the second prompt was only has 1 major question. However, 1 major question doesn't mean that you have to answer it by writing only a paragraph but you need to also develop your paragraph become at least two paragraphs rather than making a too bulky paragraph. It affects the organization of your essay itself.

Overall, I believe that it is not really difficult for you to revise this essay since you have a good grammatical control. I hope this helpful. Do let me know if you need further assistance. Good luck! :)

Writing Feedback / Television, newspapers, magazines - fake and manipulating news out of this reality? [4]

Hi Payal, welcome to EssayForum :) I would like to point out some of your weaknesses in order to strengthen your essay practice later on. I hope you can find my feedback is helpful. You can see them in the detailed descriptions below.

- The first weakness is related to personal pronoun usage. I think that you have over-used them. My suggestion is that you only need to use it in the introduction paragraph and conclusion paragraph. Over-using personal pronouns would make the essay becomes less formal. You can shift the first person and second person point of view to third person point of view. For instance, "we" >> "people/they/his or her".

- I believe that your essay have no conclusions at all. Your last paragraph was mentioned another idea. If this essay was about TOEFL or IELTS, no conclusion would badly damage the final score of your essay.

Perhaps it is quite simple, but it is crucial in argumentative essay writing. I also suggest you if for example this was for TOEFL or IELTS essay, please mention it clearly on the title to ease the reader to read and check your essay. I hope you can follow through my feedback above. Good luck in revising this essay and the next practice :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Does Advertising encourage people to buy in quantity rather than promoting its quality? [6]

Keely, I would like to give some contributions toward your essay, especially for the first and the second paragraph. I hope you can follow through the feedback given.

1st paragraph:
- Nowadays(informal)These days , increasing advertisements are increasingly surrounding our lives because of material prosperity.(really? think again about this idea)
- ManySome people suggest that promotion of advertising(redundant, do not use it in the same time and the same place. Choose one of them) prefer what in quantity to what in quality. (be careful of over-generalizing. This can lower your mark. I don't think many people suggest that, perhaps only some of them)

- ...which aimedtofor different merchandise and customers.

2nd paragraph:
- ...promotion in quantity is always linkinglinks to low prize...
- whata main reason that makes advertising more attractive to housewives is...

There you have it Keely, now you can focus on proofreading the third and the last paragraph. My suggestion is that, do not forget to give a concluding sentence for each body paragraph since it is one of the essential criteria to reach a high band score in IELTS writing. However, do let me know if you need further assistance. Good luck for the next practice :)