Graduate / Questions about the balance of experience and academic proposal -regarding personal statement [3]

Actually, the content of your personal statement is misdirected. Since you are coming in to a masters degree after having graduated from a different course, you will need to show the reviewer the path that led to your desire to change courses. The essay is too informative in the wrong manner and yes, it is too serious in the incorrect way. If you will allow me, I can help outline your revision topics. I suggest that you work on the revised personal statement as follows:

Par. 1: Explain what factors you have experienced as an HRM professional led you to realize the importance of psychology when dealing with workers.
Par. 2: Depict situations wherein you have been required to use psychology in your line of work. Explain how it exposed you to the rudiments of psychology and its relation to HRM.

Par. 3: Why did you decide to focus on this masters course? What makes you sure that your previous degree has helped prepare you to complete the requirements of this course?

Par. 4: Discuss how all these elements combined to help you develop a specific set of academic goals that the university and course you have chosen appears to respond to.

These are the only aspects that you have to discuss in your personal statement. Since you are changing directions in terms of study, you need to convince the reviewer that you have a justifiable reason for doing so and, that your previous course is somehow related to this change in career path for you.

Writing Feedback / Do you agree with the statement that computers belong to the most important inventions ever? [5]

You should have presented the reason as to why the computers are considered the most important invention of the last century. All of the original prompts include the following:

- Topic
- Reason
- Discussion instruction

You provided only the topic and response to the question. The reason is missing. Which is why the paragraph did not meet the 3 -5 sentence requirement. The prompt paraphrase you presented is incomplete as per the scoring requirements.

When you form these sentences, always keep an academic tone. Using the word "anyway" connotes a casual discussion rather than an academic discussion. Never use words that connote casualness and uncertainty in your presentation. You are expected to write a response similar to a classroom based response paper, so do not use casual references in your sentences. Maintain a formal tone throughout.

The essay should have only 2 reasoning discussions to create a 4 paragraph essay. A 5 paragraph essay is used only in comparison with personal point of view discussions. As such, you have really too many words, which resulted in more than several errors in grammar and sentence development. The increased word count focus, rather than the appropriate word count forced uncorrected errors in your presentation. Always concentrate on a clear discussion with a cleaned up word presentation rather than an extremely long but error filled essay. You should do well enough writing only 275-290 words.

The concluding summary should be longer than a single sentence. The expectation is that you will present the following previous information in that section:
- Restate the topic
- Deliver reason 1
- Address reason 2
- Repeat your opinion as the closing line.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: social and practical problems caused due to language barriers [3]

I realize that you are a highly qualified typist. That is, you have an admirable typing speed since you were able to type almost 500 words. However, the essay you provided, though wordy, is not of the quality that will help you get a high level score. You see, the scoring is not based on the number of words you can type, it is based on the perfect quality of the discussion, reasons, and lack of grammatical and vocabulary errors. Hence, exam takers are always advised to write only 275-290 words. That is so you will have the opportunity to edit the essay before submission. Now, I am glad that you said you noticed your errors in the presentation. You should have taken that time to correct it already. It is better for you to get no corrections from a contributor or less corrections, than to have you leave errors in the essay which could affect the review of your work. Self-editing is important in the Task 2 essay, so you should take the chance to do it whenever you get the chance.

Now, the opening paragraph is lacking in presentation. You need to summarize the original topic presentation by restating it in your own words. While your response to the question is properly formatted, you should not simply state your response to the question. That is only half the required task for that paragraph. Always include the following:

- Rephrased topic
- Reason for the discussion
- Response to the given discussion question

By properly delivering the first paragraph requirements, you will be able to achieve a maximum TA score consideration. That is the most important part of the scoring section so you should work hard to perfect that part.

You over discussed the essay. Based on the required discussion topics, you need to have only presented 2 reasoning paragraphs based on the topics:
- Social problems
- Practical problems

Always remember to look for the discussion instructions and topic outline from within the original prompt. Outline it first so that you do not waste time writing an unnecessarily long essay. For this, the outline would have been:

Topic: Living in a country where you have to speak in a foreign language
Discussion points: serious social problems as well as practical problems
Discussion Question: To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Outlining helps you write a proper draft. It also helps to properly focus the discussion / reasoning paragraphs so that you do not write too many words composed of irrelevant discussion points.

The concluding paragraph should have been properly formatted to represent:
- The rephrased original topic
- 2 discussion topics
- Opinion / restated response
- Discussion closing sentence (optional)

So the format for your essay is off. It should only represent:
- Restatement + question response
- reason 1
- reason 2
- Concluding paraphrase

One last note before I sign off on this discussion. Try to insert the use of first person pronouns in the essay since you are being asked to discuss your opinion, based on a yes or no extent question within the essay. It will help you increase your GRA score since you will be presenting a well rounded discussion that proves your ability to use pronouns, which is a foundation rule when it comes to English writing. You must known how and when to remind the reader that he/she is reading your personal opinion, based on the given discussion topic. It keeps the reader on track and helps the reader understand whose opinion is being presented.

A generalized opinion, one that does not use pronouns, lessens your GRA scoring consideration as the speaker in the essay is not clear to the reader. Without pronouns, it appears that you are presenting a general discussion, rather than a personal discussion, as per the requirements of the discussion instructions.

I avoided reviewing the grammar problems for now as we have to first make sure that you know how to properly format your response, as expected by the examiner, before we move on to the grammar errors. Correcting that will not be useful if you did not properly present the discussion in the first place.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WT 1 practice about coffee and bananas sale by particular company [2]

Kindly remember that the 20 minute task is completed using only a 175-190 word count. That is to ensure that you have enough time to edit and finalize the content of your paper. You do not have to write 200 plus words. That is already close to a task 2 essay length and would require 40 minutes for you to complete.

For formatting purposes, the summary overview should not be a stand alone sentence. Rather, it should be inclusive of the trending statement. That is because the paragraph requirement for the task 1 essay is a maximum of 3 paragraphs. You can better meet that requirement by combining sentence presentations based on the summary overview and trending statement.

Sadly, there is no way that you can paraphrase the amount of money involved. You should not be changing the presentation for the money presentation because that is a precise piece of data composed of the financial numerals and the currency used. It is alright to get creative in other word presentations, but not when it comes to the factual digits / amounts / measurements or other precise information presented in the image. You should only be seen using synonyms heavily in the task 2 essay. Do not reverse the numerical presentation either (euros 2 million = 2 million euros). The only way you can vary the presentation of the money reference is if you use the numerical presentation, with the special keyboard feature for the Euro currency.

Writing Feedback / Essays (IELTS Writing Task 2) about teaching arts in school [4]

You have not given a direct response to the question provided in the original prompt. In fact, your response has created a prompt deviation that has changed the slant of the discussion instruction and as such, will cause a major points deduction for your task accuracy. The points deductions will be such that you will not be able to pass the test due to the change in discussion presentation.

Question: .To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Response: While this suggestion may be disadvantageous in several situations, these courses, in my opinion, can offer students a comprehensive development.

You have changed the discussion requirement from a single opinion defense essay to a comparative / advantage v disadvantage discussion. That runs counter to the discussion instruction. That will be the main reason why your essay will not be able to pass the test.

As your essay is judged mainly on the clarity of your opinion presentation and defense discussions, your presentation will be seen as not truly portraying a clear point of view. It will also not be seen as having a properly developed reasoning set of paragraphs. Due to the error in your discussion presentation, your work cannot achieve a passing score. You have failed in the major scoring elements, which, when added to the other errors in your presentation, will simply not allow you to achieve anything close to a 5 band score.

Writing Feedback / TASK 1-CHART- household expenditure in New Zealand and UK [4]

Since you did not upload the correct image, I will not be able to review and advise you regarding content and presentation improvements in your report. I'll be limited to general review.

You should be presenting a trending statement based only on 1 upward or downward trend in the chart. You should not be presenting a trend for every group presented. That is already a paragraph, not a trending statement.

You have to make sure to refer to the information within the right time frame. Practice past tense sentence structures when you do your general writing exercises. Always look at the dates. When you are dealing with previous years, those are always done in past tense. Your essay suffers in clarity and grammar range problems because of this problem that you have. You are reporting past data in present tense. That is incorrect.

Scholarship / (AAS) I choose this institution because there is an expert with similar research object [4]

While it is clear that you chose the university due to the presence of the professor on the teaching staff, your essay failed to represent the reason why you chose the course. There are only theoretical explanations in relation to the research commonalities you have with the professor but, you failed to represent the career relationship between your course and profession.

Are you a professional student? Someone who continues to study just for the sake of receiving scholarship allowances? The reason I ask is because that is the image that this essay is portraying of you as a student to the reviewer. There is no career relationship, no motivation for your studies aside from wanting to meet this professor and compare notes regarding similar research themes. There is nothing to indicate that you are a career oriented professional who requires additional learning to advance specific or overall professional skills.

Scholarship / How will the proposed study in cybersecurity contribute to my career as a software engineer? [2]

You should not have included the discussion about Australia's position in the world in regards to their cybersecurity expertise. That does not have anything to do with your future career as a software engineer. There are only 2 paragraphs that should be present in this statement. The paragraphs are as follows:

Par. 1: Recently, Indonesia's government began ...national cyber defense.
Par. 2: My future goal . ...will be achieved.

Your career goal response is that simple. No extra information is required. You only have 2000 characters to work with. The reviewer needs a straightforward and relevant response from you. By focusing on these 2 discussion points, you will achieve that target. Once you change the content of the statement accordingly, you will just need to work on the grammar presentation to correct the errors and create a smoother response presentation.

Writing Feedback / Traveling to learn cultures? We can learn from books, films, and internet. [3]

There are 2 reasons as to why you must use first person pronoun references in this essay.
1. Proper sentence structure includes your ability to use pronouns in the proper manner. This is scored under the GRA section of the essay.
2. The question posed is a direct opinion question. This requires a direct personal response therefore the use of I, me, myself, and other first person pronoun forms are necessary in the opinion presentation of the essay.

You did not make a mistake in your presentation. Had you given a proper response to the discussion requirement, your score would have been better because you would have been able to prove your knowledge of grammar rules and showed that you knew how to properly first person references in your opinion and reasoning presentation.

That said, the main problem with your essay is the lack of emotional response to the question provided. The question required you to show a measured response in terms of reasoning based on the agree or disagree question. So the strength of your response should have varied from:

I strongly...
I vehemently...
I completely...

to name but a few measured response representations to the question. You gave a proper but lacking response to the task discussion question in the prompt paraphrase section.

Now, while you did a good job in showing your GRA knowledge, the reason this essay will not score well is because you did not focus on a single opinion reasoning presentation in the 2 reasoning paragraphs. This is a single opinion essay. You were asked a clear question that has only one response, yes or no, agree or disagree? In this type of essay, you must focus on presenting 2 strong reasons that support your stance. That is so that you can continue to highlight your LR ability to use words that depict strong emotions in terms of supporting your opinion.

What happened in your essay is that you gave a conflicting response. You both agree and disagree based on the reasoning paragraph that you gave. Which will confuse the examiner as you already stated a disagreement in the paraphrase. You cannot have 2 opinions presented when a single opinion is required by the direct question. Stick to one opinion and highlight why you believe that is the correct opinion, using first person pronouns.

Writing Feedback / {IELTS} More and more pollution and wastage produced. How common people are affected by pollution? [4]

When you are given direct questions to respond to in the original prompt, that means the essay is asking you to outline your discussion points in the prompt restatement. That means, in the first paragraph you should provide:

- Sentence 1: An accurate restatement of the topic for discussion
- Sentence 2: The direct response to the first question (topic outline)
- Sentence 3: Direct response to the 2nd question (Topic 2 outline)

As such, the essay is to be composed of 2 reasoning paragraphs that clearly represent one discussion topic per paragraph. Both of the reasoning paragraphs you have presented include a second reason at the end which is not fully explained. Such insertions will affect the clarity of your discussion and portray the paragraph as being under developed or lacking in explanation and supporting points. Never present a hanging 2nd discussion topic. Stick to one discussion topic per paragraph unless otherwise stated by the original prompt. This prompt requires only 1 effect and 1 solution discussion in relation to the effect presented.

Try to develop a 3 sentence conclusion next time. It should be a proper summary of the original topic, your presented effect and solution, and a closing sentence that could add to the strength of your suggested solution.

As of now, the grammar is a problem in your essay, but the bigger problem is the discussion presentation. That is why I focused on it in this review. If you no longer have a discussion format problem in your next essay, I can address other issues in your presentation already.

Writing Feedback / IELTS W. TASK 1: Proportion of vehicle registration in US between 1970-2010. [3]

While 150 is the minimum word requirement, the exam taker is expected to write between 175-190 words. That is because there is a 3 paragraph requirement for this report. The sentence requirement for each paragraph is between 3-5 sentences. Your essay is improperly formatted. The paragraphs should have been presented in the essay as follows:

Par. 1: Summary overview + trending statement
Par. 2: Data reporting
Par. 3: Comparison points

Since the essay is not properly formatted, I cannot accurately assess your work in terms of written requirements. You should know how to divide each paragraph based on the discussion instruction requirements. That is why the essay is short in terms of information presentation, information assessment, and comparison data. Each of those requirements should be seen in separate paragraph presentations.

I should be able to give you a better assessment of your data presentation skills when you post your next essay. I hope you will have that essay properly formatted so that a true assessment of your Task 1 abilities can be made.

Letters / Motivation letter of a PhD program in Material sciences and material nanoanalysis [4]

Put a pin in this essay and use it as a personal statement if required for the application. It is not a motivation letter. Since this is an application for acceptance to PhD studies, your motivation must be more than just undergraduate and masters research based. By this point, you should have a solid advanced reason for your studies based on observations developed during your master thesis research or, in relation to your current occupation. Of your final career goal is to become a lecturer, researcher, and consultant, then you have to discuss your motivation for each career path. What is it about each career path that excites you? Would you consider that a strong motivation that will push you to finish the course?

Basically, a motivation letter should represent the learning opportunities that you took advantage of as a masters student in relation to advanced studies as a PhD student. You should show a continued relationship between your unfinished research (masters) and the reasons why you feel the need to continue the research (PhD). What is the ultimate outcome you hope to provide upon completion of your studies (motivation)?

These reasons should be supported by a discussion about why you believe the university is the right choice for you. Why this university for your PhD studies? Talk about the academic and practical reasons for your university choice. Research opportunities provided to PhD students would be the best way to discuss that part of the essay.

Scholarship / AAS - Master of Data Science & Master of Computing [6]

Your essay is more relevant to the career goals essay than the reason for choosing a course and institution. You should delete the whole essay and start from scratch. Consider your professional requirements in relation to your academic requirements when you draft your new response. This should be the actual basis for your decision to choose a proposed course and institution.

What you currently have is a narrative that does not respond to the prompt. I have told you how to develop your proper response through the consideration of career skills development (based on your weaknesses) and the training the university can give you. Use both considerations when explaining your 2 course and university choices. Your second university choice should be based on considerations that are just as strong as your first university choice.

Graduate / Engineering Job - AAS Supporting Statement: Question No. 1 [4]

The first paragraph is more useful in the career goal statement response. The second paragraph should be more focused towards your career requirements. Not necessarily your promotion but rather your skills development. How does your interest in the internship program of the university apply to your current career requirements? Save the future response you have for the career goal essay as well. The proposed course and institution should discuss the applicability of the studies to your current career requirements. I do not get a feel of that in the statement. You are too future thinking in the statement when it requires a current aspirations and career requirements discussion.

Focus your response on specific career requirements that you fall short of. If you want to become a better Meteorologist, then explain what current skills you have to develop at the moment which led you to choose this particular course and institution. Since you do not have a second university choice, then exclude the sentence that indicates that this course and university is your first choice. Although suggested, you do not really need to present a secondary university if there is only one university offering your proposed masters course.

Scholarship / WHY DID YOU CHOOSE YOUR PROPOSED COURSE AND INSTITUTION? - AAS (MASTER OF COMMERCE) [4]

The first paragraph sounds more like you are just repeating known information about the course curriculum. It could even be mistaken for being a direct cut and paste from the university website. It doesn't truly reflect the reasons as to why you chose the course and university in relation to career requirements. Your second paragraph should be taken out and used in the career goal statement instead. The second university choice is too brief to make this a usable response statement. In other words, you do not have a usable response essay at this point.

The reason you chose the course must have something to do with your academic goals and professional considerations. As you are seen by the scholarship as a future leader in this field, you should be able to justify your skills training in relation to your career aspirations. Consider how well you do your job now and how you have room for improvement. It is the room for improvement part that should be the basis of the course choice. Each university course should address a different skill for improvement on your part. You need to build up your second course and university choice because at this point, it doesn't tell the reviewer anything about your choice procedure that would convince him you are going to be a serious masters degree student.

Writing Feedback / WRITING TASK 1: MOVIES SEEN IN THEATERS [4]

You have your information reversed in your presentation. Use the actual years in the summary overview and then the yearly presentation in the trending sentence. You should make sure that your trending sentence combines with your summary overview so that you can always meet the minimum 3 sentence requirement for the paragraph.

Your first and second sentences, which should be combined to create a paragraph, are run-on sentences. You are allowed a maximum of 5 sentences per paragraph. That is because each thought process, data report, or image description should be individually presented rather than combined into one long sentence. Remember, a long sentence does not always represent a complex sentence. Specially if the sentence presentation of 2 different data profiles are separated only by a comma.

Although you wrote more than the minimum required word count, the essay does not follow the expected 3 paragraph format. Mostly because of the error in overview presentation and lack of proper comparison points for the overlapping information in the graph. Had you included the comparison discussion for overlapping data, you would have met the 3 paragraph requirement without a problem. There were 2 overlapping points that should have been presented as a stand alone paragraph.

Scholarship / Sugarcane factory: Why proposed this course and institution [5]

You sound like you are just telling a story about the development of your interest in Environmental Engineering. What you wrote is more of a personal statement than an explanation for your course choice and institution. The prompt is asking you to show the relationship between your actual profession and the necessity of your studying advanced theories and practical applications based on your job requirements. There is no sense of that in this presentation. You should revise the essay to better reflect the professional considerations that led to your course choice. Leave your undergraduate studies out of the discussion. You can use your observation of the factories and other areas in relation to the environment though. Just make sure that it relates directly to your current career description.

There is one sentence that should be the foundation of your decision to attend RMIT. You should better develop your explanation based on:

RMIT University also offers many research areas such as wastewater treatment and air pollution, that will deliver fundamental research leading to innovative new products, processes and knowledge that I needed to maximise my potential.

Develop that explanation based on how you see your studies affecting your theoretical and practical skills at the moment. Divide the presentation into 2 paragraphs. That is normally the required paragraph format for this type of presentation. It is direct to the point and uses less words to express the explanation in your response.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 2 "Designing a building" [2]

Insisting on the function of a building is not the same as giving an extent response. The extent response still needs to use proper descriptive terms. Insisting refers to you being involved in an argument, which you are not. The discussion is an opinion statement rather than a debate. So, instead of insisting, you should be delivering emotional responses instead such as "I fully agree with the notion that..." and then explain your reason in a separate sentence. You do realize that you are one sentence short of a complete paragraph in the opening statement right? Yes, that was caused by the combined response in your second sentence, which is only a long confusing sentence. One idea per sentence delivers a clearer thought process to the reader.

Your second and third paragraphs provide acceptable reasons for your opinion. However, your word usage and sentence structures need more work. While the paragraphs are understandable, you still need to smooth out the presentation with proper English word usage. Do not stop doing English sentence construction exercises alongside your essay practice tests. Doing both simultaneously will result in your improving your LR and GRA score in your practice test. Believe me, my students who have worked hard at both found that it was the best way for them to become more proficient in written English, even if their spoken English was still a bit problematic.

The concluding paragraph should have been the opening restatement. You are supposed to present 2 restatements of the original prompt. One at the beginning and one at the end. Your extent response is still missing in the concluding paragraph. The measurement of agreement is a significant requirement that proves your ability to understand and follow English instructions. Once again, you have the formatting problem in the concluding presentation. There should be an additional 1-3 sentences in that section that thoroughly summarizes the preceding reasons and discussion points prior to the restatement of your opinion.

Scholarship / AAS - Masters in Development Studies - University of Melbourne [2]

You need to revise the total response. All you did in this essay was refer to the ranking of the universities and enumerate the classes you will be taking. The reviewer doesn't need that information. What he needs to know is the basis by which you have decided to study specific courses and how these will be useful to you in improving your professional skills.

The opening paragraph should clearly address a specific section of your employment that is affected by your lack of expertise. By explaining the situation about the mishandling of gender gaps in your office, you will be able to relay the information as to why additional training on your part is important as you struggle to address this problem in the workplace.

The ranking of the universities do not matter in this case. The reviewer already knows that they have the best universities in the world so reminding his is just a practice in wasting character count. Rather, Based upon your understanding of the course syllabus of each university, explain why you chose the university based on your professional requirements. How does each course help you to improve a particular skill which is necessary to address gender gap issues in your workplace? Is it the ability of the masters course to help you address that concern that led to your choice of university? Why did one university become a top choice and the other a second choice? Don't just enumerate all the courses. You can cherry pick one or two courses from each university that clearly addresses a plan of action on your part upon your return to work. That way the decision to choose a course and institution becomes logical to the reviewer.

Scholarship / Human Resource Management - Why this course choice in this vocational education institution? [3]

You can lessen the word count by removing your closing paragraph. This is a statement response, not an essay so you only need a maximum of 3 paragraphs to address the question. Do not discuss the changes in the organization you are working at within this essay. Save that for the "How will these studies affect your career" statement response. For this essay, you should only focus on the course and the university discussion. You can retain the opening paragraph as it will help establish your weaknesses as an employee that requires additional skills training under a masters course. That opening paragraph however, needs to be further developed to make it more effective and useful to your application statement.

Do not include information about the ranking of the university. That does not mean anything to the reviewer and it does not reflect any academic or professional goal on your part. Avoid using word fillers such as "On the other hand". It is a useless phrase that only takes up character count.

You are not ordering from a restaurant so there is no need to refer to the classes as "catering to my needs". You did not specify the needs in the first part of the statement so the reviewer has no idea what you are talking about. You should not discuss the needs of your office in general terms. Rather, think of your own shortcomings as an employee that contributes to the problem. After you figure that out, you should have at least 2 shortcomings to refer to (one per university), then you will be able to explain the "needs" you have for the study at each university. It should look something like this:

I chose to study at... due to my difficulty in communicating with teams of people. I have discovered that my inability to... will be addressed by the course... that will allow me to... This is aside from the other courses that will also address...

Another problem I have is my inability to... This particular problem will be the focus of the course... at the university... Aside from developing my other skills, the course in... will specifically target the development of my ... which is the primary cause of my ... problem.

Properly formatting the paper, removing irrelevant sections, and shortening your response to be more relevant to the questions asked will help you come in under the word count.

Research Papers / Restraints in coffee exporting [3]

I am not sure why you chose to use the word argue in reference to defining what restraint means. To argue means that there is an opposing side. However, there was no opposing side presented within the discussion. You may want to delete the word argue and replace it with a more appropriate or relevant term in the paragraph instead.

The essay feels like you are starting in the middle rather than at the beginning. This is suggested by the lack of a clear thesis paragraph and the immediate use of a citation in the paper. Normally, a thesis statement does not use a quote within the presentation as that is considered academically incorrect. Review the paper. Clarify the thesis statement and rework the introduction of the topic, as well as the thesis statement. Delete the quote from the presentation to better meet the thesis presentation guidelines.

As you did not really provide instructions as to how the paper needs to be reviewed, it is difficult for me to comment on the content of the paper. Is this a peer review? Editing? Or just an overall commentary perhaps? Without clear discussion guidelines, this is the best I can do. There are too many unknown variables preventing me from offering you a full review of your current piece of writing.

Writing Feedback / Sugar-based drink consumption (Ielts task 2) [5]

you have to remember that you are not being scored on the length of your essay. So writing 379 words for a 40 minute task is useless. You should only be writing a reasonable number of words, between 275-290 words, to allow you to have ample time for editing and revising procedures during the actual test. The length of the essay will not dictate the final score, it will be your writing skills that will do that. By writing too many words, you are risking creating more errors in the presentation. Less words = less mistakes. Remember that. That is the best way to increase your scoring potential.

Your prompt paraphrase is totally off base. You are not properly paraphrasing the content of the original presentation and, you are deviating from the prompt by indicating an argument exists where the original only points to a discussion. You will definitely lose major points for changing the prompt topic from the original in such a bad manner.

The original discussion offers 2 direct questions. To properly format your prompt paraphrase, you must give a direct response to both questions. These direct responses shall be considered the overview or outline for your 2 reasoning paragraphs. You are not even trying to offer a proper response at this point. The format for your opening paragraph is completely incorrect. Your TA score will suffer because of it.

You are careless with your writing. You should know enough about English grammar rules at this point to know when and when not to use word capitalization. You are sloppy and will lose GRA points because of this lack of interest in presenting a properly formatted essay. You have presented several discussion points throughout the essay that are not properly developed. You are focusing on the wrong aspect of the presentation. You must focus on properly and clearly explaining the cause and solution in the essay. One cause, one solution. You do not need to present several under developed discussions as you did in this essay. You only need one fully developed explanation for the reason and solution. That is all that is required.

The undue focus on creating a lengthy essay, along with several spelling, clarity, conciseness, and vocabulary problems in your presentation, all of which could have been avoided had you concentrated on quality instead of quantity with your writing, are the main reasons that this essay will not achieve a passing score.

Avoid the use of memorized phrases and overused phrases such as "First and foremost". Try to show a more advanced vocabulary by using alternative terms such as "Primarily". Do not just use adjectives for the sake of using adjectives. Use an adjective to add clarity to your presentation (a great influence = an enormous influence).

Get out of the practice of writing long essays. Unless you are sure that you are not committing other errors that can lower your score considerably, it would be better to simply write less, or within the advised number of words, to avoid forced errors in your presentation.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2 - Eating habit in many nations are the key factors of citizenry who are getting obese [2]

The first paragraph is a restatement of the original prompt. It is not an expanded presentation of your opinion. Perhaps you had difficulty in paraphrasing due to your lack of fluency in English. Let me show you how the paraphrase should have been presented instead:

There is a global problem when it comes to the rising body mass of people. It has resulted in a downward good physical condition for most people. Some causes of these problems are related to the eating habits of people. The situation can be resolved by placing higher taxes on unhealthy foods.

Now, the original prompt is asking for plural discussions in relation to the problems and solutions presented. You are only presenting one problem and one solution in your presentation. You should be discussing at least 2 of each in a related manner, within one paragraph. So your essay misses the discussion requirement and will be scored as not having fully developed the required discussion points. That will be a large deduction of points for you which could affect your ability to pass the test, even if you did write more than the minimum word requirement. Always make sure to double check the instructions and present the discussion as required.

For this essay, the discussion points must present related problems and solutions because the focus of the essay is on testing your conciseness and clarity within the presentation. That is why you are asking to present at least 2 problems and solutions in one paragraph. You have to show your ability to use less words to explain things clearly to the reader.

Sadly, even without presenting 2 of each in your paragraphs, I have to say that your reasoning suffers from clarity and cohesiveness problems. These stem mostly from your inability to properly form proper English sentences. A situation that arose from your improper use of English words, which will definitely lower your LR score. While you did have some valid discussion points, the paragraph was difficult to read and could cause some stress for the reader who may find it difficult to connect your discussion with the words that you used. Hence, the clarity problem.

I would advise you to focus on sentence development exercises alongside your essay writing exercises. You have to develop your English vocabulary in relation to sentence usage. The word meaning exercises that are freely available online should be able to help you overcome that problem.

Believe me, I can see that you are an intelligent person based on your writing. You just need to improve the problem points before you can clearly and properly format your sentence presentations. I know that additional exercises and familiarizing yourself with English through reading materials can help you achieve that.

By the way, never present a question in the middle of a Task 2 essay. That is never done because oftentimes, the exam taker ends up forgetting what the original discussion is about and focuses instead on the self - made question within the essay. This could cause a prompt deviation on your part, which could result in your failing the essay because you no longer discussed the original prompt. Avoid posing rhetorical questions in the future. It will not be helpful to your essay.

Writing Feedback / Writing Task 1 - consumber spending foods, dinks, tobacco, clothing, footwear, leisure and education [3]

The summary overview is incomplete as it does not present the measurement used and a listing of the 5 distinct countries. These must be presented as a part of the summary as it will help illustrate the trending statement for the overall review. Be careful of your punctuation marks. You forgot to use a full stop at the end of the second sentence in your summary overview.

The major problem of this report is in the paragraph formatting. You have focused on the quick presentation of the information rather than the proper formatting of the information presentation. You are scored on the formatting requirements. That means, you have to:

- Present at least 3 sentences per paragraph, no more than 5
- Avoid the use of run-on sentences
- Ensure the clarity of the information presentation per paragraph

These are the 3 major errors that exist in your presentation that you should correct the next time you ask for an essay review here. There is a lack of clear and coherent presentation in your paragraph due to the shortness of each paragraph presentation. Do not rush through the essay. Perform an actual analysis. Try to show your grammar range by discussing the information rather than simply doing presentations with little developed comparison points. Although your sentences are truly long, since they are run-on sentences, these do not really help to increase your LR or GRA score.

Writing Feedback / Utilisation of public transport - IELTS Academic Writing TASK 1: Bar + Table [3]

The reporting needs to be clearer in your presentation. Never combine the different information for 2 images in one sentence. Aside from creating a run - on sentence, you also confuse the reader. 2 sets of different information in one sentence makes it difficult for the reader to remember individualized information and also creates confusion because the reader will not be able to separate the clear topic of each presentation due to the conflicting sets of information.

Your trending statement should be placed within the summary overview. That will make it more useful to the reader who needs to have a clear picture of the overall information presentation and discussion direction of the image report. It is also important that you present the data for the bar graph and table in separate paragraphs. Only related information and comparison points should be read in each paragraph. Again, this is to provide clarity for the discussion and also, to make it easier for the reader to remember the information presented.

Related information in one paragraph helps you improve your C&C score. When you mix the 2 sets of information in one presentation, The paragraph becomes longer than the 3-5 sentence requirement and, creates confusion for the reader who has to try and connect the 2 different discussions in one paragraph. The report is a written picture of the image. The reader, creates a mental picture based on your report. That picture can only be clearly imagined if you separate the information based on discussion relationships within the paragraphs.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2 - GENDER GAP IN FIELD OF SCIENCE [4]

Good discussion. The reasons are well developed. Proper examples via explanations are used, and the follow up explanations stay on point, creating a stronger reasoning paragraph with every presentation. However, the essay still has problems that need to be addressed.

You are not showing any vocabulary range by constantly using the term "women" in the presentation. You should vary it by using other reference words such as ladies, gentlewoman, miss, or misses (plural of miss). Also, you need to recognize words that repeat meaning, these are called redundancies. Counter - intervention is an example of this redundancy. To counter means to alter or change. To intervene is to come between things to effect change. Change being the redundant meaning between the two words. Additionally, don't use the term "sex" to refer to the identity of the person. Use "gender" instead and follow up by using gender based pronouns in your presentation to help you score better in the GRA section.

While your opening paraphrase meets the 3 sentence minimum requirement, you did not do the same thing for your concluding paragraph. It should also contain 3 sentences minimum in the presentation. The error there was that you decided to use a run-on sentence in the first sentence rather than separating it into 2 separate sentences, which is the proper format for that particular thought process presentation.

Writing Feedback / The subject and lesson content of learning - IELTS WRITING TASK 2: An opinion essay [4]

The essay cannot receive a passing score because you wrote under the word count. The minimum acceptable number of words are 250 words. You are expected to write no more than 290 words. An essay of 235 words will end up with a large word count deduction in terms of scoring percentages that it will affect your ability to get a passing score.

An additional problem that will result in the failure of your essay is how you misunderstood the prompt. Central authorities in the prompt does not refer to the government. Rather, it refers to the departments and government agencies that oversee the educational system of a country. Central authorities could be the Department of Education, Commission on Higher Education, and other educational entities in various countries. This shows a lack of vocabulary skills on your part as you did not understand the meaning of central authorities as implied in the original discussion presentation.

The opening paragraph and concluding paragraphs should be composed of 2 versions of the prompt restatement, reasoning discussions, and your opinion. These paragraphs must be represented within 3-5 sentences. Failure to comply with the sentence requirement often results, as in your case, with a less than minimum word count. The lack of proper task accomplishment in these sections, along with an improper or under developed reasoning discussion, will also result in heavy penalties in relation to your final score. This is not a passing essay presentation.

Undergraduate / My own chords - Common App Essay [4]

There are several common app prompts that this essay can be responding to. So I am not really sure as to how to direct this essay. You should have given me a copy of the common app prompt so I could have developed a proper review, based on the prompt requirements. Anyway, I'll do what I can for you.

I was very interested in reading your essay at the start. I thought the music would be the focal point of the essay. Then you went into a totally different discussion that did not really blend well with your opening discussion. In truth, the middle part of the essay is the most relevant discussion, which tells me that is the targeted response to the essay prompt you are writing for. So you should develop the whole essay around that part instead.

Consider the relevance of mentioning your ethnicity in the essay as well. It would be a good idea to explain why this ethnicity is important to you and why you consider it a part of the unique mix of your personality. You should decide on the actual focus of your essay, will it be the music or the science? It is difficult to find the perfect balance in your presentation because, as you said, these are exact opposites. So it doesn't really depict your message in a clear way to the reviewer.

If I knew what the prompt was, I would have had a chance to point out areas of specific improvement or use so that you could make a proper revision to your essay.

Writing Feedback / Protecting all or some wild animals. Essay writing task 2 Academic IELTS [4]

You should not avoid using personal pronouns in this type of essay. You should be using this opportunity to show the reviewer your GRA abilities by using personal singular and group pronouns in the appropriate places. That way you show the examiner that you are capable of properly using the English writing rules in your writing. In this case, the first and second public points of view must be represented by group pronouns to indicate whose opinion is being discussed in the paragraph.

You failed to add your personal opinion as the 3rd reasoning paragraph in this essay. You must not be presenting it as a sentence in your concluding paragraph. That is never done. You should be fully explaining your opinion, based upon the proper consideration of the reasons presented by the previous 2 discussion points.

You will definitely get a failing score in the TA section because you changed the original prompt discussion in your paraphrase. You changed the topic, the reasons, and other points because you decided to exaggerate on the given discussion by including reasons and discussion basis which were never part of the original. You will be seen as altering the original discussion so the total essay presentation is no longer connected to the original discussion presented. Hence, the failing TA score for this essay, which may result in an overall failing score for your presentation after all your other errors are considered.

Scholarship / Supporting Statement for Applying Australia Awards Scholarship as freshgraduate bachelor's degree [4]

Your essays do not provide any relevant connection between your course choices and your current career requirements. Your undergraduate course is irrelevant at this point as you are applying to receive a masters degree scholarship. A scholarship whose requirement is that you have at least 2 years work experience in the field that you are applying for a scholarship to study in. Unless you can prove the timeliness of your studies, its relevance to your chosen career path, and an explanation as to why you value these advances studies in relation to your current career requirements, your response does not properly represent the required responses.

It would be better if you actually supply informative responses to the questions because right now, your responses are either irrelevant or so vague that the reviewer will not take your application seriously. Focus on the relevance of your course choices to your current career or path going forward. Be specific, explain in as much detail as you can without going over the character limit.

Do not use personal reasons for choosing the university. Your reasons should only be based on academic and professional considerations. Both of which should strengthen the reasons for your first and second university choices. The reviewer really doesn't care about your personal reasons and personal reasons are never an acceptable reason to present in this essay. You should be specific such as "My sibling attended the same university, which influenced my desire to make it my first choice university.", or something along those lines.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 1 - MAPS (roads to the city hospital) [3]

Sadly, you are aiming too high with your scoring ambition. Your work is only good for a 4 because you are not accurately describing the contents of the illustrative diagram. You are incorrectly using terms, inaccurately describing positions, and not really focusing on proper descriptions for the two maps.

For starters, these are not just maps. These are two illustrative maps. Be clear about the number of comparison images there are. There are no "facilitators" in the map. A facilitator is defined as; a person or persons who are responsible for leading or coordinating the work of a group, as one who leads a group discussion. Deduct a point for incorrect vocabulary usage under the LR score.

In 2007, you claim that there are 6 bus stops, there are no bus stops available as per the map. Only parking areas exist at that time for the public and employee use. Therefore, there is no old bus stop to be relocated in the new presentation. Rather, a bus stop was finally added and the parking slots for public and employee use were separated.

You have improperly analyzed the map from beginning to end. You also have other errors in this essay which will result in a low score. You are nowhere near ready for an 8 score at this point. Aim lower. Go for a 5 first. Then work your way up from there. The errors I presented here are the ones that will have a direct impact on your final score.

You have also written too many words for a Task 1 essay. The aim is to write between 175-190 words only. You are being overly descriptive, which is why you made serious errors in the presentation. You will not be able to write 214 words within a 20 minute essay where you need to double check for reporting accuracy, proper word usage, sentence errors, and other content issues. You should be writing less but describing more. There should only be 3 paragraphs in this presentation, not 4. A 4 paragraph essay indicates a task 2 response. You are not writing an opinion essay, just a direct reporting paper. You do not need 200 plus words to do that.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 2 about government's investment [4]

You have made a mistake int he wording of your task response. The error in response presentation is what will cause the TA score of your essay to fall under the failing mark. You did not respond to the question; "To what extent do you agree or disagree?". The answer you provided created a prompt deviation which changed the discussion topic and response to be different from what is required. Hence this essay will not achieve a passing score.

While you provided an explanation for your sentiment in the discussion, the lack of direct response to the question, which is required for the prompt paraphrase is the main reason why this essay will be considered weak. Since your TA response is problematic, there is a question as to whether the essay actually responds to the prompt or not.

The answer is that the essay response itself, along with the incorrect discussion question response will result in a failed essay test for you. This is a single opinion essay that asks you to represent the strength of your belief in the given discussion based on 2 fully explained reasons. Your response is a comparative presentation that indicates that you do not have a clear point of view for the discussion. It also represents a lack of English comprehension skills on your part. Both of which are additional reasons that this essay cannot get a passing score.

You should review the sample essays at this forum before you write another practice test. You must familiarize yourself with the different discussion requirements. There is a need for you to understand when to use a comparative essay (Advantage v Disadvantage / Discuss both points of view) and when you should discuss only a single opinion (Agree or Disagree / Extent Essay). Once you can tell the difference between discussion formats based on the instructions provided, you should be able to present a more properly formatted essay response.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2: Whether all or just some wild animals should be protected? [4]

You do not start the prompt paraphrase with a given opinion of the two points of view. The opening paragraph should be a clear paraphrase of 3 things:

- The topics for discussion
- The discussion reasons
- The instruction for the discussion

Your essay simply stated a personal opinion immediately, which shows that you do not know how to properly paraphrase the discussion points. For example, you could have said:

There are currently 2 factions of animal support organizations in existence. The first, are the animal activist groups that tend to support the idea that free roaming fauna must be given security. The second group, believe that there should be a selective method of securing beasts in the wild. By considering reasons from each group, I shall develop a clear personal opinion regarding this discussion.

The reasoning paragraphs are in error because of the formatting problem. The presentation should be based on the 3 reasoning paragraph system composed of:
- POV 1 / Reason
- POV 2/ Reason
- Personal opinion / Reason

While you did somewhat represent the public point of view in the first reasoning paragraph, you failed to properly discuss the second point of view prior to the presentation of your personal opinion. Therefore, your essay will be considered only party responsive to the task, with some discussions better developed than your other discussion points. It isn't a very good reasoning presentation and will definitely lower your final score. It is important to cover all the discussion points in your presentation so that you can maximize your scoring potential.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2 (drug addicts should be treated like criminals or patients) [4]

Your prompt paraphrase is confusing. It does not properly represent the original topics for discussion due to the improper grammar used. A clearer version of the paraphrase would have been:

There are groups that believe that drug abusers are similar to lawbreakers. As such, they must placed in lock-up. However, there are opposing sectors that believe the narcotics addicts should be considered sick. Therefore, they are sick people who need to be treated at an infirmary. Both sides represent proper reasons that should be heavily explained and considered before a person can come to an educated opinion.

From there, you should have formed 2 public point of view discussions based on a second person or group point of view. The pronouns indicating a second group point of view would have clearly separated each discussion from your personal point of view, which needs to use the first person singular point of view. The separation of discussion points, as required by the discussion instruction was not properly reflected in your essay. This is the main reason why your essay will not score well. It is giving a general point of view, that could be misconstrued as a personal point of view presentation throughout the discussion by the examiner.

You are scored on the clarity of your discussion. As such, you must make sure that each public point of view is clearly indicated in every reasoning paragraph. After which, your personal point of view must also be clearly stated. While you present good discussion points, it is the presentation format that affected the clarity if your essay.

Writing Feedback / Choose an arguable topic related to learning challenges or learning strategies [2]

You should have done one extra step in the opening paragraph. You should have taken the time to explain what spaced repetition is all about to your reader. Always assume that your reader is not a person familiar with the topic you are writing about. The clarity of your essay and opinion will be helped by the explanation regarding the term and what it represents. It gives the reader an idea of what space repetition is all about and why it would be helpful as a learning tool to students.

You should be presenting both sides of this argument for the essay. When you say that some people indicate it should not be used as a learning tool, explain why they believe that. Upon completely explaining the argument, you may then, in the next paragraph oppose the argument completely. By using an alternating discussion format, you will be able to fully explain both sides of the argument in the essay. You may also opt to do the pro-con argument within the same paragraph if you wish. However, if it will run long, you should consider using alternating paragraphs instead.

You do not really present a convincing argumentative essay in this case. You are solely focused on defending your opinion rather than comparing the arguments / reasons coming from both sides. I would not call this a convincing argumentative essay because it lacks a discussion of alternating reasons. In an argumentative essay, you should be able to convince the reader to believe your side through the use of a balanced discussion and presentation of supporting reasons or evidence. That is not completely seen in this essay due to the improper format of your presentation.

Writing Feedback / Write an essay of about 300 words about the causes of trend students take standardized English exams [5]

Your essay is good but relies heavily on word fillers such as:
- First and foremost,beyond the shadow of the doubt
- Last but not least
- In conclusion

Avoid the use of word fillers. Although it shows that you know how to use certain English phrases, word fillers are often the cause of phrase usage errors among ESL students. An ENL speaker does not rely on word fillers for their written or spoken English. Speak direct to the point. Utilize the use of topic sentences rather than word fillers to start your paragraph. That way the reader immediately gets an idea of what the discussion in that paragraph will be about.

You are also relying too much on the use of commas in the presentation of your ideas. Ideas are better presented using a mix of punctuation marks. The most commonly used is the period or the full stop. That indicates a complete thought process in a sentence. Avoid using 2 ideas in one sentence. That creates a run-on presentation. You may use an Oxford comma only to list connected words in a list such as ; Harvard,Oxford, or Stanford.

While it is nice to see that you have an "advanced" English vocabulary of sorts, the use of these archaic words make the essay sound unnatural. You should practice using everyday English words, phrases, and other colloquialisms. This will show a more practical side to the way you use the English language. You will also score better in the international English tests when you show this natural ability to write in English.

You have good reasoning in this essay. The grammar may not be perfect but you still managed to explain yourself in an understandable manner. You should brush up on your sentence exercises to learn more about how to naturally format an English sentence.

Writing Feedback / The line graph presents the percentage of the elderly people in Sweden, Japan and USA [2]

You have not written the minimum 150 word count for this essay. Point deductions shall be implemented for the missing 21 words. Since you are under the word count, you cannot expect to get a passing score with this essay. You must write the minimum number of words, and follow the required format for the presentation in order to be considered for a passing score.

The paragraph format requires 3-5 sentences per section. That is the sentence presentation format that will assure you of meeting the 150 minimum word requirement. With any luck, you may even write more and end up with a higher possibility of achieving a higher overall score. As of now, your essay cannot be accurately reviewed for 2 reasons:

- Lack of image. Upload it to the server. For security purposes, we do not allow the accessing of exterior links. Students who choose to access exterior links provided risk their computer systems being infected with viruses, trojans, malware, and other security threats. The forum will not be liable for any damages that may happen to your system when you access exterior links.

- 2 lack of word count. An essay that does not meet the minimum word requirements stands to automatically fail the test. Hence,it will be useless to review your work for content and other errors.

Scholarship / Changing the traditional business management system (AAS) [3]

The response is running a bit long. You should limit this to 2000 characters with spaces. that means, you should write no more than 250 words for your response. While the narrative is good, it falls short when referring to what aspect/s of your leadership knowledge, skills and practice you consider to be well established and effective. The sens of dialogue is good, but it is not the only method of leadership that the AAS is looking for.

You need to be more active in the description. In truth, your response sounds more like you functioned more in an advisory, rather than leadership capacity. That is because you were merely assisting your parents rather than taking the leadership role from them. You were representing your parents to the employees, which is different from your leading the employees. It also isn't clear in the essay if you are not at the helm of the family run business or if you are still functioning in an advisory capacity. In which case, the example you gave isn't a real leadership skill that contributed to a real change or reform in the business.

There are no real creative methods used to lead the team. Again, discussion and explanation are good, but it is not a real leadership trait. Your leadership skills, due to your advisory capacity isn't really that strong in this essay. It would be better if you could somehow convince the reviewer that your parents turned over the business to you and you had to implement actual reforms, that resulted in a creative leadership role for you as the head of the company.

Scholarship / KGSP Media and Communication application; why this program, your background, experiences, skills [3]

The reference to K-Pop and the entertainment industry of Korea is a very old, tired, and often used reason for an interest in studying in Korea. You should delete that portion from your essay and instead, work on explaining how the Korean love for animals, their YouTube videos relating to their treatment of animals, how Korean laws protect animals, all of the Korean - pet relationships that you can present will help with your application. Why? Remember that you said your motivation for applying to the program is so that you can use mass media to help protect animals.

Do not lose focus of the motivating factor. That should be evident throughout your essay. You should also be introducing activities that you did in relation to your pet advocacy. Your motivation must be supported by your activities and other extra curricular interests. You do not appropriately represent the development of your interest and advocacy that would show the reviewer that you have been doing things to help protect the animals. Your desire to protect the animals should align with your activities in the audio visual sector so that you can show the foundation of both the advocacy and your interest in mass media.

Your grammar is often times confusing. Which will make the reviewer question your actual English language skills. You need to get professional editing help to clean up your grammar, but only after you have properly revised the essay to be better suited towards your motivation and other goals. Your motivation, activities, and interests should all align towards your A/V skills development in relation to the protection of animals.

Writing Feedback / Production and consumption of GM foods Argumentative Essay. [2]

If you are going to be writing an argumentative essay, then you need to know how to debate. That means, you need to learn to look for the weak points in the reasoning of the opposition, then discuss that weakness in your essay. In contrast, you should also know how to expect opposition from your discussion and defend your stand.

So, in an argumentative essay, you should deliver the following discussion points:
- The weak points of the opposite argument, the strength of your argument
- Expected rebuttal points (weaknesses of your own discussion)
- Defense for the rebuttal points (why the perceived problems or weakness are not as it seems. This is based on the opposite point of view.)

When you enter into an argument, you should strengthen your argument by discussing a balanced presentation of both sides. In this essay, you focus only on the defense of your opinion. You do not expect to be opposed in the discussion. You should be presenting opposing arguments and defending against it. You may use the POV of the non-gmo supporters for the rebuttal discussion. Then, you should also look for the weakness of the non-GMO supporters and discuss it fully. For example, you did not really explain why their belief that GMO foods are bad for our health. That is an opposing point that you could have argued against in the essay.

The essay you wrote is solely defending your side of the discussion. It is not arguing the pros and cons as it should be doing. The cons were not discussed till the very end, and only in one paragraph. That is not how the argumentative essay works. You need to use a balanced discussion presentation for this essay. Use at least 2 key points for each side of the discussion, if that is allowed in your writing exercise.

By the way, GMO's are scientifically altered. Do not describe it as unnaturally altered. Use the correct term at all times because the argumentative essay requires precise vocabulary usage to strengthen your point of view.