Writing Feedback / WRITING TASK 1 IELTS The process of solar powered Water Heating System [2]

you cannot reach a score higher in Task Achievement since you fail to summarize the main report in the overview. A good overview should sum up the two pictures above. Some basic grammar flaws are seen, like installment ... are; The pump will operate ... ; there is heating coil; and ready to used;. Although they do not affect the communication, these errors affect the accuracy, and this may lead to a 5.0 in grammatical range and accuracy. Other problems can be seen as well in the use of cohesive devices and comma splices. It is suggested to put a comma if you use coordinate conjunctions.

I do not see any improvements in details 1 & 2, since you did not successfully describe the two diagrams. This is not all about There are positive and negative effects for every part of solar panels. , so I prefer to omit this.

Hope this helps

Writing Feedback / Teenagers' Preference for Fast Food Restaurants in Vietnam and Indonesia [3]

I dont need see any problem in the introduction. You did it well. However, it seems that some misconception in the overview. You cannot say this: teenagers choosing Burger King, and therefore you need to change it into teenager choosing to EAT fast food in Burger King. Again, you come up with predicted to rapidly increase that I think it needs to be changed into ...predicted to show an upward trend.

When it comes to details 1 & 2, you have successfully described the trend and differences, but you fail to minimize the errors, like the percentage ... were; but remain being the lowest; , the preference ... significantly reduce. Also, some data is unclear, like the percentages ... increases but remain being the lowest ...

Not only this, you attempted to use some references, but they misused, like The figures; those for;

Hope this helps

Writing Feedback / School teachers are more responsible for social & intellectual development of students than parents [4]

Thanks for this essay submission. You need to include the full question(s). The question(s) helps us understand what you are being asked. By doing so, we are easily to measure whether you have covered the task responses or not.

Since you have no question(s) attached, let me focus on grammar instead.

In the introduction, some grammar flaws are seen, like teachers being of the responsibility; school are capable to; students as well; statement of teachers. The errors consist of the subject and verb agreement, inappropriate prepositional phrases, and a sequence word. You need to put more concern on these areas. Make sure you can tackle them for the next essay you have.

You failed to deliver clear messages in the body paragraph 1 and 2. You left more ideas, but you forgot to support them with relevance reasons and fully-developed examples. This essay is a good example of a 5.0 in Coherence and Cohesion as this shows lack of overall progression.

You are not allowed to raise new ideas in the concluding paragraph. Simply restate the thesis statement and leave a relevant personal opinion towards the thesis.

Hope this helps

Writing Feedback / Solar Powered Heating System and Location Options for Solar Panels [2]

Thanks for this essay submission. Let me start with the introduction. I dont think you have a problem with the opening paragraph. However, you need to pay attention to word order, like solar panels installation which needs to be changed into the installation of solar panels or solar panel installation.

Instead of writing two positions, you'd better use two possible positions. Again, you come up with this solar panels installments., as I told you, you cannot use plural nouns as the modifier. Just write solar panel installments

Omit this phrase As its name suggests as it brings little value. Avoid using unnecessary phrases that makes your report bulky. Write succinctly.

heating system takes ABSORBS energy

When placed on the roof, the panels ...

though it may be difficult for cleaning and maintenance The flow of the sentence is being interrupted, so you need to change this. Let me give you a try: Although maintenance work to clean them may take time.

But it's the other way ... It is good not to start with BUT and use a contracted phrase, like it's. Use HOWEVER, as the alternative one and fully write IT IS

Overall, you need to pay attention to grammar, sentence flow and cohesive devices. Put more concern on these improvements.

Hope this helps

Writing Feedback / Writing Task 1 (Pie Charts describing about 3 most preferred FF Restaurants in Viet and Indo) [5]

Task Achievement:

Let me start with the introduction. You have successfully paraphrased the rubric, but you need to pay attention to the words chosen, since not all words in the rubric have close meanings, like the word "Inns"that cannot be used to replace restaurants.

The overview you wrote did not cover all the feature, since you missed the tenses. In this report, you have two different time frames: past and future. However, I do not see you use appropriate tenses for this report. See this:


Coherence and Cohesion:
It seems you have no problem at all in the way you develop the sentence to sentence agreement, but some linking words you use are inaccurate. To avoid making repetitive, you need to use more references as to replace the ones you have mentioned.

Lexical Resource:
When it comes to the vocabulary, two-three word combinations are needed as to show the examiner that you can use a natural set phrase being closely. However, some of which you used are not colloquial, like held the second-biggest percentage; the tendency of;are forecasted to; gain more attention from; respectively

Grammatical Range and Accuracy
This is the area you need to concern more. Comma splices more often occur in your sentences, although they do not affect the communication. The misuse of however and otherwise appear there.

Hope this helps

Writing Feedback / The increase in the amount of waste production. Why is this happening? [3]

Helllooo there...,

Could you please submit the question?

The introduction you write is good, but it needs a slight improvement on your thesis statement. I found a generic phrase that is commonly used in students' esaays bringing a little value: the role of goverments in tackling. I suggest omitting it.

When it comes to body paragraphs, I found that some sentences are a lack of overall progressions. This is because you fail to link the sentence to another sentence. As it can be seen in the 2nd paragraph you discuss the rise in rubbish, then suddenly jump to shopping addiction and finally without any detailed development from the two previous sentences, you come up with "How advertisement encourages people to buy more". These three sentences are failed to deliver the message.

I did not see any example in body paragraphs to support your claim. An example is needed to break down your idea into small chuck so readers are easy to follow your thought.

It is always good to check spelling through the online dictionary before submitting your essay.

Hope this helps.

Eddy Suaib, an IELTS trainer, Kampung Inggris Pare

Writing Feedback / Writing Task 1 Pie Charts 3 Fast Food Restaurants in Vietnam and Indonesia over the 10-year period [2]

Task Achievement:
> You are not allowed to add an irrelevant personal opinion.
> The data is not about McDonald's consumptions, but teenagers preferences in choosing fast food restaurants.
> Beware of understanding the report. You cannot say Vietnam preferred to consume; the proportion of McDonald's
> You write an overview, but it is inaccurate.

Coherence and Cohesion:
> Although you use some cohesive devices, I do not see that you have successfully developed sentences to sentence coherence.

Lexical Resource:
> Check your spelling, like the words "envisage"; priode
> It is always good to use word combinations, like adjective and nouns or adverb and verb. This helps you to score higher.

Grammatical Range and Accuracy:
> More errors in sentences show that you need to pay attention to basic grammar. Learn how to write fully-developed sentences
> Learn how to use articles, singular-plural nouns, and commas.

Hope this helps

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1 : Percentage of three known Fast Food Restaurants in two Asian countries [2]

Task Achievement
> The introduction is good, but you fail to deliver the message clearly. You cannot start the discussion with the proportion of 3 popular restaurants. You need to change this into teenager's preferences in choosing fast food outlets

> Be careful about the word overcome in the overview, as this cannot represent what you think. It is always good to check meanings of the words in English-English dictionary prior to using them in your essays.

> It is not Indonesian comsuming McDonald's and KFC, but which is a fast food restaurant to choose when to eat.
> You need to thoroughly understand the report as to avoid misconception about the data. This is not about KFC will show moderately growth to.

Coherence and Cohesion:
> You use linking words, but some of which are inaccurate. Instead of using but in the first sentence, you'd better use However,
> Paragraphs are linked one another, but the messages delivered are unclear.

Lexical Resource
> The word combinations you use show misuses, like show moderately growth, envisioned to, predicted will

Grammatical Range and Accuracy
> You try to use complex sentences, but they are inaccurate since you fail to use proper conjunctions in sentences
> You need to check singular and plural nouns
> Beware of using articles.

Hope this helps

Writing Feedback / The proportion of Omani and Spaniard people by age [2]

Task Achievement:
> you attempt to write the overview, but you fail to use this accurately. The differences in past and predicted trends are unclear.
> You select the details, but there is some misconception to understand the data, so majority selected descriptions show flaws
> Be clear about the word local aged, This has a different meaning that you think

Coherence and Cohesion
> You use signposting words to signal comparison and contrast, but some are inaccurate
> You write paragraphs clearly

Lexical Resource
> You use word combinations, but the misuse of which occur in some sentences, like the most populations, the percentage of aged, five decade period

Grammatical Range and Accuracy
> You use a reasonable variety of grammatical structures, but some of which show fragment sentences and comma splices.
> Almost tenses show errors. Learn how to use tenses in the future time frame
> You need to check singular and plural nouns
> Beware of articles

Hope this helps

Writing Feedback / The proportion of population by age in Oman and Spain [2]

Task Achievement:

- You need to first include the picture, so this helps readers understand the graph and the report that you are trying to write.
- You wrote the overview, but this is too bulky. You need to write it succinctly. I found many hackneyed phrase that make your essay become boring to read or hear. One of them is The main facts that stand out are. This can be categorized as a memorized phrase as more IELTS students use this in their report. To avoid getting penalized, then you'd better omit this. Creating your own sentences always sounds better.

- In details 1, you select and describe the details, but you do not always support them with data.
- Turning to productive age's group how do you gauge this as the productive age? It is unclear, and I suggest you make some changes.

- Avoid the word " control" - it has different meaning as you think

Coherence and Cohesion:
- The report is not well organized. Make sure the overview describes the main trend and differences succinctly.
- Some linking words linked the sentences are irrelevant, like and still,

Lexical Resource:
In details 2:
- Using a journalistic vocabulary, like to jump for will not improve your score in Lexical resource
- Instead of using this as a verb it is forecasted to , a noun combination is much better.

Grammatical Range and Accuracy:
- You attempt to use a reasonable variety of complex sentences, but majority are inaccurate.
- Simplify your sentences
- Although your errors are minors and do not affect the communication, you need to reduce them as to achieve a better score

Hope this helps

Writing Feedback / [MAP - task 1 IELTS] Map description about changes after the hydroelectric power dam was build [3]

Hellooo, thank you for sending your essay here. Let me discuss your essay. First thing to consider is you need to include the picture of this map. By doing so, I can help you more regarding the coherence and cohesion as well as the task achievement. Since you have no picture attached, I just focus on what I can understand from your essay.

lets start with the introduction:
I don't think you have problem in paraphrasing the rubric. I say this since I see your first sentence well developed, but the second one has problem with the flow of the sentence since its meaning delivered is unclear.

Details:


you dont need to include this, as many students use this marker in their essay, and to tell you the truth that this has no value at all, so you'd better omit this.


Simply use a passive form, so you can omit this doer, as it is unnecessary there.


Almost all sentences are simple. A simple sentence is clear, but IELTS needs you use a wide range of sentence structures. Show them you can use ones.

Hope this helps you,

Eddy Suaib, an IELTS teacher in Kampung Inggris

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 1 - coffee and bananas sales statistics in five countries [2]

Hellloooo there, let me help you with some feedback. Let's start with the opening paragraph. Here I see that you have no problem dealing with the paraphrased question. You did it well, but a phrase you wrote sounds unclear. Here is: how much euro to be sold. Are you sure of this talking about euro being sold? I dont think so. If you see the whole data, then they talk about the sales of two commodities in different countries.

if you see the overall band descriptor writing task 1, then you are suggested to introduce the overview, showing the main trend and differences of the data. The overview can be put at first or last paragraph. For this essay, I dont see any of them. Let me give you a try: Overall, the UK and Switzerland broke the record to sell more Coffee and Bananas. Although almost sales of two commodities rose, there were no significant improvements on commodities sold.

Hope this helps,

Eddy Suaib, an IELTS teacher in Kampung Inggris Pare

Writing Feedback / IELTS GT 2 worldwide trend of vegetarianism which supposed to be beneficial to our health [6]

Helloo there... let me give you feedback. Overall, you have written a good essay, but some areas need to be improved.

Let's start with the introduction. Here you need a slight improvement on your claim. Instead of stating one idea, " becoming vegetarians, you'd better discuss why some groups agree with the statement of both being healthy and benefitting the whole? Stating your claims exactly upfront makes your essay easy to understand.

Another point to consider is the discussion about growing plant. This issue is less likely to cover the rubric. You'd better omit this and discuss other topic related to the issue.

I am not sure enough that the last paragraph can be categorised as the concluding paragraph. If your essay missed the conclusion, then your score in Task Responses will be deducted.

Hope this helps,

Eddy Suaib, an IELTS teacher in Kampung Inggris Pare

Writing Feedback / Air transport is increasingly used to export fruit and vegetables between countries. IELTS TASK 2 [3]

Helloo there.., thank you for posting your essay here

Although this essay is good, some improvements are needed as to help you score this even better.

Let me start with the first paragraph. Majority of IELTS students develop their introduction by simply restating the rubric in the question and showing their claims towards the issues given. Here do I see you have successfully done. However, one to two phrases found there can be categorized as hackneyed phrases where almost they are found in students' IELTS essays. A closer look at these phrases:


&


. They are omnipresent, always somewhere around attached in IELTS essays. I suggest you omit them, and therefore your introduction looks more succinctly

The two topic sentences in the body paragraphs are not developed well, since you have left one keyword: export fruit and vegetables. Such keyword is supposed to be in a topic as well. If you leave it away, you fail to write a relevant topic. Fruit and vegetables transported over a long distance build stable market (topic sentence 1) & The export of fruit and vegetables leads to air pollution (topic sentence 2) I just share two topic sentences. Please peruse them more closely.

The conclusion paragraph sounds repetitive. Repetition in the conclusion sends you to score a 6.0 in Task Responses. Learn how to give a personal comment which is relevant to the topic discussion prior to ending your essay.

Hope this helps you

Best of luck for your IELTS exam

Eddy Suaib, English Studio Indonesia, IELTS Kampung Inggris Pare Kediri

Writing Feedback / Short essay on immigration (IELTS task 2) [4]

Are you trying to write an IELTS essay task 2? This essay is good. However, it seems that you are suffering to develop a succinct introduction.

When it comes to an introductory paragraph, you just need to paraphrase the rubric and state your claim. Let me give you an example of this:

More reasons why people have moved from one to other places can be seen. It is believed that the leading causes are war attack as well as opportunities for better lives, and this brings more consequences on how immigrants pose a fiscal burden on the host country budget.

Hopefully you can learn from the one I share above.

Best of luck for your IELTS exam

Eddy Suaib, English Studio Indonesia, IELTS Kampung Inggris Pare Kediri

Writing Feedback / IELTS 12 Test 8 Task1: Electricity is produced by geothermal energy [3]

Things to do is to paraphrase the rubric. Here you are being tested on how good you paraphrase the question. In any case, a good IELTS report consists of an overview. This overview is written not only to present the main trend, differences, and/ or stages, but also to summary the details you have presented in the body paragraph. For this essay, I do not see you do so. If you write no overview, then your score will be a 5 in Task Achievement.

When it comes to Coherence and Cohesion, some inappropriate cohesive devices are seen in this report. You need to pay particular attention to cohesive ones. However, both grammar and vocabulary are good enough for those wanting to score a 6 or 7 in these two sections.

Hope this helps you :D

Eddy Suaib, English Studio Indonesia, IELTS Kampung Inggris Pare Kediri

Writing Feedback / [IELTS WRITING TASK 2] Education from school or parents? [4]

Heelllooo there.., let me help you for this.

When it comes to introduction paragraph, you are being tested on how good you paraphrase the question. Good paraphrasing not only replaces the original words with yours, but also changes the sentence structures. In any case, I see you leave an unnecessary sentence: From my perspective, education from both parents and school are necessary, I say this since this sentence brings no value, as no idea is presented here.

Body paragraph 2 needs more improvement on the way you develop the example. A 1-sentence example is not enough to support your claim, as the main objective of the example is to break down your claim into details.

The conclusion sounds repetitive. Repetition brings you score a 6 in Task Response.

Last but not least, you need to use a wide range of sentence structures as to improve your Grammatical Range and Accuracy. Compound and Complex Sentence and Inverted Sentences are two of them you need to tackle.

Hope this helps

Eddy Suaib, English Studio Indonesia

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Supermarket versus local community stores [3]

Helloo there ...,
Let me give you my view towards this essay. For a start, I see that you attempt to start writing your first paragraph by introducing the issue. However, I dont see you state the thesis statement clearly although you have tried to paraphrase the prompt. Let me give you an example: The development of local shops is being stagnated since multinational supermarkets are growing faster and tend to negatively affect the local community. (background information) Therefore, it is agreed that since local markets cannot compete with giant supermarkets, this is more likely to rise the number of unemployment rates and drain a locality's economic. (thesis statement)

If you write for an IELTS essay, it is mandatory you need to show a fully-developed example as to support your claim in the body paragraph. Here you left the example.

In the paragraph 3, you need to add more detailed sentences as to discuss the issue in-depth. If you peruse such a paragraph more closely, then you will see how sentences to sentences are lost in coherence.


I am not sure what you are tying to say here. But for me, when it comes to the concluding paragraph, you need to use "a conclusion signal" to show you are about to end your essay.

Hope this helps

Eddy Suaib, an IELTS teacher of English Studio - IELTS Kampung Inggris Pare Kediri, Indonesia

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing task 1 - the changes that took place in three different areas of crime in Newport city [6]

Hey..., after perusing your report writing more closely, then I will give you some feedback as to help you improve your essay. Let me start with the opening paragraph. This paragraph is good. However, the way you paraphrase the question is too close to the original prompt. Instead of changing the words only, I think you'd better change the structure also. You may us a passive form. A closer look my sample: A brief comparison of three crime types in the center of New Port city is presented in the line chart, and the data is taken between 2003 and 2012. The next point to be considered is the way you write the overview. A good overview should cover what you discuss in body paragraph, showing the main trends and differences of the data. The last but not least is sentence structures. If you want to reach a score of 7 or above in Grammatical range and accuracy, then you need to use a wide range of sentence structures. What are they? They are compound sentence, compound and complex sentence, a passive sentence, fronting, participle sentences, and so on, not just a group of simple sentences

Note:
- Please attach a clear picture of the graph, so I can help you more.
- Write some changes based on my feedback and post them write below this. I will see and share some insights on them

Thanks and Good luck,

Eddy Suaib, an IELTS teacher of English Studio Kampung Inggris Pare, Kediri Indonesia.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2 - should teenagers do part-time jobs? Both side of the views and my opinion [3]

Helloo smally01.., thank you for posting your essay here. Well, let me start with the opening paragraph. As we know, IELTS suggests candidates to learn paraphrase the question if they want to start writing their introduction. From your model essay, I think you have failed to do so although you have tried ones. Let me give you an example of how you need to paraphrase the question: The idea that part-time jobs are the activities that youngsters should get involved in is the most valued by some people while some tend to disagree with this idea. After you paraphrase the background information, then it is your task to state your claim known as thesis statement.


is commonly found in students essay. Since then, I am afraid that this phrase can be categorized as one of the memorized phrases. I suggest you to rewrite this. Again, let me give you an example for how to write a thesis statement: Although part-time jobs give teenagers experience, such jobs bring detrimental effects on both mental and physical health of the youngsters If you merge the background and the thesis, then they would be like this: The idea that part-time jobs are the activities that youngsters should get involved in is the most valued by some people while some tend to disagree with this idea. Although part-time jobs give teenagers experience, such jobs bring detrimental effects on both mental and physical health of the youngsters. When it comes to body paragraphs, then you'd better start developing your paragraph with a clear topic sentence. Then it is followed by claim, evidence and reason. Instead of pointing more reasons as you wrote above, you'd better choose one idea only and narrow it down. This is what you need to do for the next writing you have. Hope this helps :D

Regards,

- Eddy Suaib, an IELTS teacher of Kampung Inggris Pare Kediri, Indonesia.

Writing Feedback / IELTS1 - pie chart marking the retail sections of the online sales in Canada during 2005 and 2010 [3]

This report writing is well put, but some improvements are needed. Let me start with the opening paragraph. In this part, you wrote an introductory paragraph with a sentence. Some sample answers suggest this, but as per the rule of Academic Writing, a good paragraph at least consists of three sentence. Also, the way you paraphrase the question is too close to the original prompt. It is strongly suggested that you'd better make some changes for this.

If you see and read the IELTS Band Descriptor Task 1 more closely, then you will find the huge diversities between a 5, 6 and 7 in terms of Task Achievement. It is an overview that makes them different one another. Hence, if you think that you need a score above a 5, then writing an overview is a must. What is the overview? It is general trends or main features that come up in the data which will be broken down in the body paragraphs. You can put this overview after the opening or the last paragraph you have.

You need to keep your messages succint and to the point. Some generic phrases like Generally, it is obvious that, It is clear that and At the beginning, should be omitted as they are too commonly used in students' essays.

Hope this helps :D
Thanks

Eddy Suaib, IELTS Kampung Inggris Pare

Writing Feedback / Is it essential for new residents to adopt the traditions and customs of local community? [4]

Overall, this essay is well written. You cover all the questions from the prompt given. Also, you can use some vocabulary related to the topic being discussed. Sentence structures show accuracy, as you can mix between simple and complex sentences. However, some points need to be improved. Here is some feedback:

1/ Let me start with the first paragraph. In the first sentence of this paragraph, you have successfully paraphrased the prompt, but sadly the following sentence,


shows an empty idea. Were I you, then I would say exactly the reason why I state my claim rather than simply stating "I agree".

2/ Instead of talking about how native speakers take advantages of this issue


you need to focus on what visitors gain if they are following locals customs. Putting more concern on locals makes your ideas side track.

3/ As the prompt is asking you to discuss


it is always good to narrow down your subject of discussion. You can discuss how international students or permanent residents adopt local culture rather than


as the idea tends to be overgeneralized.

Thanks, hope this helps :D

Eddy Suaib, Kampung Inggris Pare

Writing Feedback / The internet and its effect on academic learning [3]

Thanks for sending your essay here. Please allow me to give you some valuable feedback towards the essay posted. Well, let's start with the opening paragraph. In IELTS, you are being tested on how good you paraphrase the keywords from the question. As it can be seen from your intro, you have not fully covered this skill as you still leave more rooms for improvement. Let me give an example of this:

The rise in the Internet has changed the way people study. Today, it is commonly to see that more lectures send their teaching materials into such media, and therefore this helps students study the lesson easily. Although this brings a profound merit, plagiarism is one of the drawbacks that should be taken into consideration if students rely too much on the Internet

The second and third body paragraphs are not arranged in a proper way. I did not see any strong examples as your details to support your topic sentences. To create a very good example, it is always good to include a 5W/1H question. Also, you need to pay particular attention to how you use linking words. In IELTS, starting with "But', or placing this in the first of the sentence is the BIG mistake ever.

Hope this helps :D

Writing Feedback / Money has become an essential part of everyday life; job satisfaction vs salary? [4]

Hellooo Natalia..., I have read your response and please allow me to give you valuable feedback for the essay in order that you can achieve better improvements for the next writing. Let me start with the question as you are being asked to discuss opinion whether you are pros or cons towards the case for "high salary is by far more essential than job satisfaction". As we can see from your thesis statement, it seems that such statement fails to raise the issue. This is because you attempt to discuss both views, while the rubric asks you stand in one sided opinion (see the word "OR"). If you do this in the real exam, then this leads to score lower. For the next improvement, it is always better to peruse the question more closely prior to starting writing this essay. By doing so, you thoroughly know what to write, and this helps you score better.

Opening paragraph:
One easy way to tackle this is to paraphrase the rubric and state your claim. If you could, then starting with general ideas as to introduce the topic is one of the best approaches to do. Let me give you an example of this:

- The number one reason people stay working in the same company for years is the huge amount of money they earn. While this is true to some extent, it is claimed that the other factor like job satisfaction should be taken into consideration. For my perspective, I would agree with the former notion because amount of money given fulfills workers' needs, and if this happens continuously, then this leads to a happy life.

As it can be seen from the example above, I develop my opening paragraph into three sentences, which consist of background information, the introduction of the topic, and the claim.

Body paragraphs:
- Leave one line every time you write a new paragraph. From the essay, it seems that you forget to skip a space in paragraph 1. As a result, such part looks too bulky> Starting to introduce your claim as the first thing to do when it comes to body paragraph. This can be done easily by restating your thesis statement. Here are you being tested in paraphrasing skills. Let me give you an example:

Claim: amount of money given fulfills workers' needs
Topic sentence in para 1: Although salary is only one part of compensation, a few extra amount of which can be used to pay the need for expenses is what more workers tend to achieve.

Please learn from my sample. Now it is your task to accomplish the second topic sentence of body paragraph 2.

Closing paragraph:
I cannot even see any overall progression in this paragraph. It is suggested that you wrap up the main ideas from two body paragraphs, and then leave you personal view towards the issue. By doing so, your conclusion sounds more convinced.

Good luck. Hope this helps
- Eddy Suaib :)

Writing Feedback / Some people think that boarding schools are an exellent option for children, while others disagree [5]

Helloo Usman, you have met the IELTS criteria when it comes to writing task 2. This essay has covered the overall structure: an introduction, body paragraphs and a conclusion. However, major flaws appear somewhere around. Let me come up with the idea of how you paraphrase the opening paragraph. In this part, you fail to show that you are good at paraphrasing. A strong paraphrasing starts with the second ideas, while some students take the idea from the third or fourth one. Starting with the first idea, taking an example of what you have done and what most IELTS sites teach students, is too generic in IELTS essays, and thus this way will score the IELTS candidates less than a 6 in TR. If you still keep the same, then you will be in the same boat. Here is an example of a succinct introductory paragraph with a powerful paraphrasing skill: Children are suggested staying on-school housing. Some argue that this helps develop independently while the reverse will be true for those who believe that this tends to set a limit of parental surveillance. Although this initiative teaches them to be more independent, it proves that this will continue to transform public favoring less surveillance, and therefore leads to a very real danger to anyone under the age of 17. . Please peruse my sample more closely, take the advantage with it, and attempt to create the new one. Once you have worked on this, I will turn out more valuable insights.

Hope this helps :D

- Eddy Suaib.
IELTS Teacher at English Studio Kampung Inggris

Writing Feedback / IELTS2 - it is necessary for parents to attend parenting training course to bring their children up [6]

Hello Alimin, this essay has plus and minus. The positive point on this essay is overall structure offered well developed, while this essay is mostly supported with average grammar skills. Some sentences lack cohesion. This results in poor coherence among paragraphs. Here do I give you an example how to build bridges between parts of your sentences and paragraphs:

Introduction:
A parenting education program suggested to those wanting to nurture their children is justifiable. I totally agree with this initiative as parents should be equipped with this effective parenting skills, and thus a better child-parent relationship is the most valued.

Conclusion:
In conclusion, parenting classes teach parents how to help develop their children in a close-knit family. The class provides real solutions on building solid relationship between parents and children.

Hope this short valuable feedback can be a brief guideline to help you improve the issue.

- Eddy Suaib

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] The percentage of female employees in major tech companies in the US [7]

Hellooo there.., let give you a few valuable insights into your report.

You need small changes in the way you present your opening paragraph. What you need to do is to introduce your audiences the general view of the chart with good grammar structure. Let me give you an example: Large tech companies in the United States of America illustrate the proportion of female workers categorized into 3 different areas of work: tech jobs, leadership jobs, and total workforce. As it can be seen from the graph, majority of people engaged in total workforce show the highest percentage. The proportion of females working in the tech employment is close behind leadership jobs all companies, except in the Amazon where tech jobs are no available. The data showing 8 different companies is presented in the bar chart. This essay will compare and contrast the data and be followed by a reason conclusion at the the end.


Leadership jobs have almost the same percentages in the two companies: Paypal and Twitter, at 33 and 30 respectively, while the proportion of female workers in Facebook, Apple, and eBay are close behind, with just under a third.I try to compare and contrast the data shown in the graph. By doing so, then you have covered the question from the prompt. Not answering the question leads to score lower.


You need to change this tense into the active one as the latter form brings more clarity when presenting data. Here: This reveals that ...

Hope this helps :)

- Eddy Suaib.

Writing Feedback / The bar chart compares the worldwide sales figures for four different games over 6 years period [9]

Hellooo there..., it is your task to classify the data and compare them based on the instruction of IELTS task 1. Not only this, your skills in paraphrasing and summarizing are tested. Let me come first with the paraphrasing. This skill is needed when you start writing your opening paragraph. From your first paragraph, you did not cover this skill smoothly. Let me give you a try: A breakdown of the different kinds of digital games is presented in the bar chart. The data is taken from 2000 to 2006 and measured in billions of dollars. This essay will compare and contrast the figure for those games and be followed by a brief conclusion at the end. As you can see, I develop my introductory paragraph into three sentences in a row. By doing this, I help readers develop their understanding towards my report before they accomplish to read the whole essay. This also works in real exam condition. Help examiners to help you mark your writing easily. Again, the rest of paragraphs is not well-developed. You need to divide the data into two. This can be classified based on years or figures. But, for me, I prefer doing it with the first approach: by years. With this approach, then you write your essay with different tenses; Past tense and Past Perfect tense. Hope this helps :D

- Eddy Suaib

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 _Description of Graph - spending time on the phone calls [5]

Hellooo there..., it is always good to include the picture of the graph as this way helps us to help you thoroughly mark your essay. Without any picture, it sometimes takes time to proofread such an essay. As seen above, some have already shared their valuable feedback towards your essay. They suggest that you should pay particular attention to what IELTS wants you to do: word requirement, coherence and cohesion, and paraphrased prompt. I also notice that you need to put more concern on how you develop your paragraphs. A good paragraph, as far as my concern, at least consists of three sentences in a row, including a topic sentence and two supporting sentences. Take a look at more closely your paragraphs above shows that majority of them are missing those criteria. I think you'd better rewrite them, then I'll be back to check other parts. Good luck :D

- Eddy Suaib.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: The advantages and disadvantages of the current population structure [5]

Helllooo there, thank you for sending your essay here. Two reviewers have given their insights towards your essay. Now, it is my time to share my valuable feedback.

Paragraph 1:
- The first sentence of the paragraph has been covered, although some keywords are too close to the original ones, such as population, countries and large number.

- The second sentence thoroughly fails to present a strong thesis statement, as you did not outline the main ideas.

Paragraph 2:
- The first sentence is supposed to be a clear topic sentence derived from the thesis statement. Since you did not outline any main ideas in the thesis, then this part is lack of coherence.

- The second sentence of this paragraph should discuss your claims (elderly have more experience and are wiser than the young generation) from the aforementioned sentence.

- Some details of situations and eventually fail to go over difficulties are needed. Remember, In-depth explanations as to support your topic sentence should be there. Such explanations can be gained if only you use journalistic questions: 5W/ 1H.

Paragraph 3:
- you cannot use this---> On the other hand as no contrasting idea(s) there.


These two sentences are not linked. I cannot even find how the second sentence supports the idea from the former one.


Again, the second sentence did not support the the previous one. If I were you, then I'd discuss which certain ideas can create extra profit for a company.

Paragraph 4:
A good paragraph consists at least three sentences in a row. Although some suggest that IELTS concluding paragraph can be simply ended with one sentence, this way tends to be repetitive," which means that the structure constantly says the same ideas over and over, and therefore your score hovers at 6.0 for Task Response.

Hope this helps :D
-Eddy Suaib.

Writing Feedback / Population Growth (in billions) - India and China from 2000 until 2050 [4]

1/ Well done, but sadly you fail to cover what is being asked in IELTS report writing. As per IELTS writing band descriptor Task 1, candidates are instructed to present clear overview with the main trends if they want to score a higher ( 7 or above in TA). I did not see any improvement as suggested in the descriptor. If I were you, then I'd take the general trend from 2000 to 2050 as the main discussion and then break it into two or three different data. Afterwards, those are put in a brief summary of the report. These are as follow:

- a gap between 2000 and 2050
- Changes among the years.

2/ A good paragraph consists at least 3 sentences in a row. By doing so, you are more likely to meet the requirements in CC & GRA. Also, What stands out from your writing is some sentences are not well developed. As viable solutions: For the opening statement, you simply paraphrase the prompt given, but it is always better to start it with the second or the third idea, not the first one as majority students do. The following paragraphs are supposed to be a topic sentence followed by some data taken from the overview you make.

3/


...


Keep your summary succinct and straight to the point. Some phrases as I highlight sound too bulky as majority students use them when it comes to IELTS essay. Not only this, using too many empty phrases will have your score deducted.

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / The Ashdown Museum After and Before [5]

Hellooo there, you have written a good writing report in IELTS, but sadly some flaws appear somewhere around. Here they are:
1. A good paragraph consists of at least three sentences. Some paragraphs above did not meet the requirement. If you write this in the real exam, then it will have your score deducted in Coherence and Cohesion.

2. Most students start with this phrase


. Although this is a common approach to do so, that way is too generic and brings nothing in the way you paraphrase the prompt. Let me give you a try for this:

A comparison of the total visitors going to Ashwdown Museum after the developers refurbished it is presented in the table, while the charts illustrates the surveys based on the changes seen in this museum. The survey collected various responses given from the visitors. The key features of the data will be summarized and delivered thoroughly in this report writing.

3.


It is suggested that you need to compose a 2-sentence overview as to cover the general trends and the key points from the graphs. Also, you are not allowed to put figures, numbers or any specific data in this part. Save them for the body paragraphs.

4. When it comes to body paragraphs, clearly check the similarities and diversities of the data, then you need compare and contrast them with the languages used in the IELTS writing task 1. What stands out from your presentation above does not clearly state what IELTS wants you to do so. You simply list the data without any comparison,and this is the biggest mistake that most IELTS students do.

Hope this helps you :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Beside the internet's advantages, some people think that the internet brings bad effects. [3]

Well done, you have answered the prompt thoroughly although some areas in terms of paragraph development need more rooms for improvements. Lets talk about the opening paragraph. In this part, it is always good to build background sentences linked to the topic, but sadly you have failed to do so. As seen, some phrases like today debate and really harmless are sidetrack. Not only this, the former phrase is commonly used in Students' essay, and thus is too fake for examiners. I suggest rewriting or omitting this.

When it comes to thesis statement, this essay leaves readers for nothing. A good thesis statement should guide the readers what will be discussed in the following body paragraphs. The phrases: I will explain why in this essay will not help a lot. For this reason, you'd better omit it.

The body paragraphs above are too bulky since they contain overwhelming information. Focus on one idea for one paragraph. You might start with a topic sentence followed by a simple reason to defend your claim and create an example by using journalis questions (5W 1 H).

What makes your essay different from the others is the way you present supporting details. Remember this. Hopefully this helps :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 1 - RADIO AND TV AUDIENCES [4]

well done, but you fail to cover what is being asked in IELTS writing criteria. For further information, then you can download and read IELTS band descriptor writing task 1. A good paragraph consists at least three sentences in a row. This is what most IELTS students do when they develop their paragraphs as to reach a score higher in coherence and cohesion. You need to rewrite these parts: " The line graph of radio and television..." and "It is obviously clear that most of Britons...". Also, you are being recommended presenting an overview, meaning that the description of general trends. As you did not have any of that, then your score for Task Achievement is hovering around a 5. When it comes to Grammatical and accuracy, you need to pay particular attention to the basic one, such as tenses in use, run-on sentences, sentence fragment and punctuation. If you cannot even control these, it will cost you a lot.

Writing Feedback / The information of millions of television viewers in sports by four different country. [3]

It is difficult to understand your writing since you do not have any picture included. Please post the picture of the graph. Not only this, it is always good to attach the question from the rubric, so we are easily to check the way you paraphrase the question.

Some points to consider when it comes to Writing Task 1:
1. You need to write an overview to covers in the body paragraphs.
2. Since this is Task 1, you are suggested to compare and contrast the figures. What I see from your writing above is lack of comparison and contrast sentences, in particular paragraph 2.

3. Please control you grammatical ranges: four different country = COUNTRIES; Not many people like = Not do many people like (inverted sentence)

hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: Electricity Production Change in Australia and France [4]

Be careful when using words in writing task 1. Not all words can be used, for example: "different pattern in the changes of" sound unnatural here. It is always better to check them in your dictionary as to know how they are used in a proper way. Again, the paragraph 2 is struggling with words used and mechanics, and therefore this interrupts the flow of the sentence. Rather than using "was come", you'd better simply write "come", or you can switch the sentence, for example, people in Australia depended too much on coal, as this source was used to produce electricity, representing 50 of 100 units in total. A closer look at the last paragraph points out that as the phrase of "less change" misplaced, this cannot cover your presentation in the graph. Suggestion: not all phrases from the sample answer can be used in all IELTS essays. Make sure you know how to use it. What's more, you are lost in coherence. The word "it" refers to an empty idea as such a phrase is ambiguous, having more than one possible reference. Suggestion: find a good IELTS teacher to help you improve both lexical items and coherence in writing.

Writing Feedback / Should schools spend more time in teaching traditional subject or skills? [3]

Well, when it comes to introductory statement, then your task is to simply state the background or the rubric presented in the question. Although you have successfully created an opening paragraph, it seems that you did not cover the essential point in such a paragraph. this word "should school give the students more time learning traditional school subject, namely in history" for example is you only copy and cut and therefore this brings no value. If I were you, then I'd like peruse the question more closely as to understand what's between the lines. From this, then I'd restate using my own words focusing on the keyword given. This way helps you improve your paragraphing skills. Not only this, the paragraph shown above has no outline as this is in conjunction with the following paragraph. Suggestion for this: mention your outline exactly upfront. The two topic sentences from the body paragraphs are side track. This happens perhaps you failed to understand what is being asked from the rubric. Suggestion this: study sample answer, and find a good teacher to help you bring off this matter. Hope this helps :D

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing task 1 : The three companies' waste [9]

Hi there..., let me show you how I group the data based on the trend showed. Hope this helps you :D

This graph presents tonnes of waste produced in three different companies for every five years, from 2000 to 2015. The amounts of waste created from Company A and B showed dramatic decreases. This contrasted to the waste product of the Company C increasing gradually.

After reaching a high of 12 tonnes in the first year, the amount of waste produced by Company A continued to decline dramatically to the 2000 company's B figure. As it can be seen in the Company B, the amount of waste generated rose gradually in the initial year, but the converse would be true for the following years and then hitting a low of 3 tonnes over the ten-year period.

Although company C was close behind when it came to waste product in the 2000, this trend showed an upward trend from 4 to 6 tonnes in first 5 years and then continuously rose to overtake the figures for Company A and C in years of 2010 onwards.

Writing Feedback / Technological skills through computer games? Any other influence? [5]

Hi there...., please let me give you some valuable feedback on your impressive performance.

Para 1:
- Technological advance influences many parts of human life ----> This hook is too commonly used and sounds too vague. If you want to state a hook, then you'd better align it with the micro keywords on your essays.

- Nowadays,---> as long as you deal with the present time, or the discussion in comparison to the past, then it is always good to omit this phrase as more students use such a word in their opening statement, and therefore this can be categorized as one of the memorized phrases.

- Hence, I personally believe that though there is dismerits of using it but the advantages will be predominant gotten by them because of spesific reasons. ----> This sentence achieves little impact on your thesis statement. I say this since most students working with IELTS writing task 2 are thoroughly taught to use this. This results in them relying too much on such a sentence as they cannot even create their own sentences unless the memorized one, like you did. .

The head where the brain is located is the only part of the body that encompasses the organs of all five senses. Although other parts of the body are important, they all are be useless without a functioning brain. This seems like your composition in IELTS writing task 2. If you are struggling badly through how to develop a strong, clear, succinct thesis statement, then this significantly affects the following paragraphs. What stands out from the introduction will be taken into account by examiners.

Please rewrite your first paragraph. Once it is done, post it here then I'll scrutinize other parts of this essay.

Hope this helps :D

Writing Feedback / The typical destinations for students after graduating. IELTS Writing Task 1: Comparing the chart [4]

hi there..., I have perused your writing report more closely, then I think some areas for improvement in terms of TA, CC, LR & GRA should be taken into consideration.


As seen, the input material is directly copied as an introduction to this response. This is deducted your score as such a way is not counted and so loses marks in terms of TA

To earn a good score in this part, it is your task to compare and contrast the data shown by using both languages of comparison and change. Not only this, you need to present a very clear overview, covering what is being discussed in the following body paragraphs.

When it comes to communicative quality, it is always good to learn paragraph skills. Such skills help you organize every paragraph you construct more appropriately. As it can be seen from your report written, the paragraphs used are in adequate, and therefore this will send you to gain score lower in CC.

In this writing task 1, I did not see any less common vocabulary. Fyi, you will be tested on how to use sophisticated lexical items. In my place, English Studio Kampung Inggris Pare, I am more likely to foster an interest in uncommon ones in my IELTS students by reading more sample answers as I thoroughly believe that If students can use this with rare minor errors, then such a score will pass with flying colors.

Use past, rather than present, as this data based the graph taken from 2008. If you cannot use correct tense in this report, then this will distort the meaning. Remember that.

Hope this helps :D