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Posts by eddies [Contributor]
Name: Eddy Suaib, an EssayForum Contributor & IELTS Teacher
Joined: Jan 13, 2014
Last Post: May 5, 2019
Threads: 25
Posts: 1,195  
Likes: 459
From: Indonesia
School: English Studio Indonesia, IELTS Kampung Inggris Pare Kediri

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eddies  [Contributor]  
May 5, 2019
Writing Feedback / Air transport is increasingly used to export fruit and vegetables between countries. IELTS TASK 2 [3]

Helloo there.., thank you for posting your essay here

Although this essay is good, some improvements are needed as to help you score this even better.

Let me start with the first paragraph. Majority of IELTS students develop their introduction by simply restating the rubric in the question and showing their claims towards the issues given. Here do I see you have successfully done. However, one to two phrases found there can be categorized as hackneyed phrases where almost they are found in students' IELTS essays. A closer look at these phrases:

There is always a discussion that

&

This essay will discuss that

. They are omnipresent, always somewhere around attached in IELTS essays. I suggest you omit them, and therefore your introduction looks more succinctly

The two topic sentences in the body paragraphs are not developed well, since you have left one keyword: export fruit and vegetables. Such keyword is supposed to be in a topic as well. If you leave it away, you fail to write a relevant topic. Fruit and vegetables transported over a long distance build stable market (topic sentence 1) & The export of fruit and vegetables leads to air pollution (topic sentence 2) I just share two topic sentences. Please peruse them more closely.

The conclusion paragraph sounds repetitive. Repetition in the conclusion sends you to score a 6.0 in Task Responses. Learn how to give a personal comment which is relevant to the topic discussion prior to ending your essay.

Hope this helps you

Best of luck for your IELTS exam

Eddy Suaib, English Studio Indonesia, IELTS Kampung Inggris Pare Kediri
eddies  [Contributor]  
May 5, 2019
Writing Feedback / Short essay on immigration (IELTS task 2) [4]

Are you trying to write an IELTS essay task 2? This essay is good. However, it seems that you are suffering to develop a succinct introduction.

When it comes to an introductory paragraph, you just need to paraphrase the rubric and state your claim. Let me give you an example of this:

More reasons why people have moved from one to other places can be seen. It is believed that the leading causes are war attack as well as opportunities for better lives, and this brings more consequences on how immigrants pose a fiscal burden on the host country budget.

Hopefully you can learn from the one I share above.

Best of luck for your IELTS exam

Eddy Suaib, English Studio Indonesia, IELTS Kampung Inggris Pare Kediri
eddies  [Contributor]  
Apr 26, 2019
Writing Feedback / IELTS 12 Test 8 Task1: Electricity is produced by geothermal energy [3]

Things to do is to paraphrase the rubric. Here you are being tested on how good you paraphrase the question. In any case, a good IELTS report consists of an overview. This overview is written not only to present the main trend, differences, and/ or stages, but also to summary the details you have presented in the body paragraph. For this essay, I do not see you do so. If you write no overview, then your score will be a 5 in Task Achievement.

When it comes to Coherence and Cohesion, some inappropriate cohesive devices are seen in this report. You need to pay particular attention to cohesive ones. However, both grammar and vocabulary are good enough for those wanting to score a 6 or 7 in these two sections.

Hope this helps you :D

Eddy Suaib, English Studio Indonesia, IELTS Kampung Inggris Pare Kediri
eddies  [Contributor]  
Apr 26, 2019
Writing Feedback / [IELTS WRITING TASK 2] Education from school or parents? [4]

Heelllooo there.., let me help you for this.

When it comes to introduction paragraph, you are being tested on how good you paraphrase the question. Good paraphrasing not only replaces the original words with yours, but also changes the sentence structures. In any case, I see you leave an unnecessary sentence: From my perspective, education from both parents and school are necessary, I say this since this sentence brings no value, as no idea is presented here.

Body paragraph 2 needs more improvement on the way you develop the example. A 1-sentence example is not enough to support your claim, as the main objective of the example is to break down your claim into details.

The conclusion sounds repetitive. Repetition brings you score a 6 in Task Response.

Last but not least, you need to use a wide range of sentence structures as to improve your Grammatical Range and Accuracy. Compound and Complex Sentence and Inverted Sentences are two of them you need to tackle.

Hope this helps

Eddy Suaib, English Studio Indonesia
eddies  [Contributor]  
Feb 12, 2019
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Supermarket versus local community stores [3]

Helloo there ...,
Let me give you my view towards this essay. For a start, I see that you attempt to start writing your first paragraph by introducing the issue. However, I dont see you state the thesis statement clearly although you have tried to paraphrase the prompt. Let me give you an example: The development of local shops is being stagnated since multinational supermarkets are growing faster and tend to negatively affect the local community. (background information) Therefore, it is agreed that since local markets cannot compete with giant supermarkets, this is more likely to rise the number of unemployment rates and drain a locality's economic. (thesis statement)

If you write for an IELTS essay, it is mandatory you need to show a fully-developed example as to support your claim in the body paragraph. Here you left the example.

In the paragraph 3, you need to add more detailed sentences as to discuss the issue in-depth. If you peruse such a paragraph more closely, then you will see how sentences to sentences are lost in coherence.

To each their own.

I am not sure what you are tying to say here. But for me, when it comes to the concluding paragraph, you need to use "a conclusion signal" to show you are about to end your essay.

Hope this helps

Eddy Suaib, an IELTS teacher of English Studio - IELTS Kampung Inggris Pare Kediri, Indonesia
eddies  [Contributor]  
Oct 6, 2018
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing task 1 - the changes that took place in three different areas of crime in Newport city [6]

Hey..., after perusing your report writing more closely, then I will give you some feedback as to help you improve your essay. Let me start with the opening paragraph. This paragraph is good. However, the way you paraphrase the question is too close to the original prompt. Instead of changing the words only, I think you'd better change the structure also. You may us a passive form. A closer look my sample: A brief comparison of three crime types in the center of New Port city is presented in the line chart, and the data is taken between 2003 and 2012. The next point to be considered is the way you write the overview. A good overview should cover what you discuss in body paragraph, showing the main trends and differences of the data. The last but not least is sentence structures. If you want to reach a score of 7 or above in Grammatical range and accuracy, then you need to use a wide range of sentence structures. What are they? They are compound sentence, compound and complex sentence, a passive sentence, fronting, participle sentences, and so on, not just a group of simple sentences

Note:
- Please attach a clear picture of the graph, so I can help you more.
- Write some changes based on my feedback and post them write below this. I will see and share some insights on them


Thanks and Good luck,

Eddy Suaib, an IELTS teacher of English Studio Kampung Inggris Pare, Kediri Indonesia.
eddies  [Contributor]  
Aug 12, 2018
Writing Feedback / IELTS 2 - should teenagers do part-time jobs? Both side of the views and my opinion [3]

Helloo smally01.., thank you for posting your essay here. Well, let me start with the opening paragraph. As we know, IELTS suggests candidates to learn paraphrase the question if they want to start writing their introduction. From your model essay, I think you have failed to do so although you have tried ones. Let me give you an example of how you need to paraphrase the question: The idea that part-time jobs are the activities that youngsters should get involved in is the most valued by some people while some tend to disagree with this idea. After you paraphrase the background information, then it is your task to state your claim known as thesis statement.

This essay will discuss both side of the views and my opinion.

is commonly found in students essay. Since then, I am afraid that this phrase can be categorized as one of the memorized phrases. I suggest you to rewrite this. Again, let me give you an example for how to write a thesis statement: Although part-time jobs give teenagers experience, such jobs bring detrimental effects on both mental and physical health of the youngsters If you merge the background and the thesis, then they would be like this: The idea that part-time jobs are the activities that youngsters should get involved in is the most valued by some people while some tend to disagree with this idea. Although part-time jobs give teenagers experience, such jobs bring detrimental effects on both mental and physical health of the youngsters. When it comes to body paragraphs, then you'd better start developing your paragraph with a clear topic sentence. Then it is followed by claim, evidence and reason. Instead of pointing more reasons as you wrote above, you'd better choose one idea only and narrow it down. This is what you need to do for the next writing you have. Hope this helps :D

Regards,

- Eddy Suaib, an IELTS teacher of Kampung Inggris Pare Kediri, Indonesia.
eddies  [Contributor]  
May 31, 2018
Writing Feedback / IELTS1 - pie chart marking the retail sections of the online sales in Canada during 2005 and 2010 [3]

This report writing is well put, but some improvements are needed. Let me start with the opening paragraph. In this part, you wrote an introductory paragraph with a sentence. Some sample answers suggest this, but as per the rule of Academic Writing, a good paragraph at least consists of three sentence. Also, the way you paraphrase the question is too close to the original prompt. It is strongly suggested that you'd better make some changes for this.

If you see and read the IELTS Band Descriptor Task 1 more closely, then you will find the huge diversities between a 5, 6 and 7 in terms of Task Achievement. It is an overview that makes them different one another. Hence, if you think that you need a score above a 5, then writing an overview is a must. What is the overview? It is general trends or main features that come up in the data which will be broken down in the body paragraphs. You can put this overview after the opening or the last paragraph you have.

You need to keep your messages succint and to the point. Some generic phrases like Generally, it is obvious that, It is clear that and At the beginning, should be omitted as they are too commonly used in students' essays.

Hope this helps :D
Thanks

Eddy Suaib, IELTS Kampung Inggris Pare
eddies  [Contributor]  
May 29, 2018
Writing Feedback / Is it essential for new residents to adopt the traditions and customs of local community? [4]

Overall, this essay is well written. You cover all the questions from the prompt given. Also, you can use some vocabulary related to the topic being discussed. Sentence structures show accuracy, as you can mix between simple and complex sentences. However, some points need to be improved. Here is some feedback:

1/ Let me start with the first paragraph. In the first sentence of this paragraph, you have successfully paraphrased the prompt, but sadly the following sentence,

Personally, I completely agree with this idea.

shows an empty idea. Were I you, then I would say exactly the reason why I state my claim rather than simply stating "I agree".

2/ Instead of talking about how native speakers take advantages of this issue

One advantage is that local residents

you need to focus on what visitors gain if they are following locals customs. Putting more concern on locals makes your ideas side track.

3/ As the prompt is asking you to discuss

People should follow

it is always good to narrow down your subject of discussion. You can discuss how international students or permanent residents adopt local culture rather than

newcomers are showing

as the idea tends to be overgeneralized.

Thanks, hope this helps :D

Eddy Suaib, Kampung Inggris Pare
eddies  [Contributor]  
Mar 5, 2018
Writing Feedback / The internet and its effect on academic learning [3]

Thanks for sending your essay here. Please allow me to give you some valuable feedback towards the essay posted. Well, let's start with the opening paragraph. In IELTS, you are being tested on how good you paraphrase the keywords from the question. As it can be seen from your intro, you have not fully covered this skill as you still leave more rooms for improvement. Let me give an example of this:

The rise in the Internet has changed the way people study. Today, it is commonly to see that more lectures send their teaching materials into such media, and therefore this helps students study the lesson easily. Although this brings a profound merit, plagiarism is one of the drawbacks that should be taken into consideration if students rely too much on the Internet

The second and third body paragraphs are not arranged in a proper way. I did not see any strong examples as your details to support your topic sentences. To create a very good example, it is always good to include a 5W/1H question. Also, you need to pay particular attention to how you use linking words. In IELTS, starting with "But', or placing this in the first of the sentence is the BIG mistake ever.

Hope this helps :D
eddies  [Contributor]  
Jan 2, 2018
Writing Feedback / Money has become an essential part of everyday life; job satisfaction vs salary? [4]

Hellooo Natalia..., I have read your response and please allow me to give you valuable feedback for the essay in order that you can achieve better improvements for the next writing. Let me start with the question as you are being asked to discuss opinion whether you are pros or cons towards the case for "high salary is by far more essential than job satisfaction". As we can see from your thesis statement, it seems that such statement fails to raise the issue. This is because you attempt to discuss both views, while the rubric asks you stand in one sided opinion (see the word "OR"). If you do this in the real exam, then this leads to score lower. For the next improvement, it is always better to peruse the question more closely prior to starting writing this essay. By doing so, you thoroughly know what to write, and this helps you score better.

Opening paragraph:
One easy way to tackle this is to paraphrase the rubric and state your claim. If you could, then starting with general ideas as to introduce the topic is one of the best approaches to do. Let me give you an example of this:

- The number one reason people stay working in the same company for years is the huge amount of money they earn. While this is true to some extent, it is claimed that the other factor like job satisfaction should be taken into consideration. For my perspective, I would agree with the former notion because amount of money given fulfills workers' needs, and if this happens continuously, then this leads to a happy life.

As it can be seen from the example above, I develop my opening paragraph into three sentences, which consist of background information, the introduction of the topic, and the claim.

Body paragraphs:
- Leave one line every time you write a new paragraph. From the essay, it seems that you forget to skip a space in paragraph 1. As a result, such part looks too bulky> Starting to introduce your claim as the first thing to do when it comes to body paragraph. This can be done easily by restating your thesis statement. Here are you being tested in paraphrasing skills. Let me give you an example:

Claim: amount of money given fulfills workers' needs
Topic sentence in para 1: Although salary is only one part of compensation, a few extra amount of which can be used to pay the need for expenses is what more workers tend to achieve.

Please learn from my sample. Now it is your task to accomplish the second topic sentence of body paragraph 2.

Closing paragraph:
I cannot even see any overall progression in this paragraph. It is suggested that you wrap up the main ideas from two body paragraphs, and then leave you personal view towards the issue. By doing so, your conclusion sounds more convinced.

Good luck. Hope this helps
- Eddy Suaib :)
eddies  [Contributor]  
Oct 22, 2017
Writing Feedback / Some people think that boarding schools are an exellent option for children, while others disagree [5]

Helloo Usman, you have met the IELTS criteria when it comes to writing task 2. This essay has covered the overall structure: an introduction, body paragraphs and a conclusion. However, major flaws appear somewhere around. Let me come up with the idea of how you paraphrase the opening paragraph. In this part, you fail to show that you are good at paraphrasing. A strong paraphrasing starts with the second ideas, while some students take the idea from the third or fourth one. Starting with the first idea, taking an example of what you have done and what most IELTS sites teach students, is too generic in IELTS essays, and thus this way will score the IELTS candidates less than a 6 in TR. If you still keep the same, then you will be in the same boat. Here is an example of a succinct introductory paragraph with a powerful paraphrasing skill: Children are suggested staying on-school housing. Some argue that this helps develop independently while the reverse will be true for those who believe that this tends to set a limit of parental surveillance. Although this initiative teaches them to be more independent, it proves that this will continue to transform public favoring less surveillance, and therefore leads to a very real danger to anyone under the age of 17. . Please peruse my sample more closely, take the advantage with it, and attempt to create the new one. Once you have worked on this, I will turn out more valuable insights.

Hope this helps :D

- Eddy Suaib.
IELTS Teacher at English Studio Kampung Inggris
eddies  [Contributor]  
Oct 19, 2017
Writing Feedback / IELTS2 - it is necessary for parents to attend parenting training course to bring their children up [6]

Hello Alimin, this essay has plus and minus. The positive point on this essay is overall structure offered well developed, while this essay is mostly supported with average grammar skills. Some sentences lack cohesion. This results in poor coherence among paragraphs. Here do I give you an example how to build bridges between parts of your sentences and paragraphs:

Introduction:
A parenting education program suggested to those wanting to nurture their children is justifiable. I totally agree with this initiative as parents should be equipped with this effective parenting skills, and thus a better child-parent relationship is the most valued.

Conclusion:
In conclusion, parenting classes teach parents how to help develop their children in a close-knit family. The class provides real solutions on building solid relationship between parents and children.

Hope this short valuable feedback can be a brief guideline to help you improve the issue.

- Eddy Suaib
eddies  [Contributor]  
Oct 15, 2017
Writing Feedback / [IELTS] The percentage of female employees in major tech companies in the US [7]

Hellooo there.., let give you a few valuable insights into your report.

You need small changes in the way you present your opening paragraph. What you need to do is to introduce your audiences the general view of the chart with good grammar structure. Let me give you an example: Large tech companies in the United States of America illustrate the proportion of female workers categorized into 3 different areas of work: tech jobs, leadership jobs, and total workforce. As it can be seen from the graph, majority of people engaged in total workforce show the highest percentage. The proportion of females working in the tech employment is close behind leadership jobs all companies, except in the Amazon where tech jobs are no available. The data showing 8 different companies is presented in the bar chart. This essay will compare and contrast the data and be followed by a reason conclusion at the the end.

leaders and technology workers is PayPal, with 33%

Leadership jobs have almost the same percentages in the two companies: Paypal and Twitter, at 33 and 30 respectively, while the proportion of female workers in Facebook, Apple, and eBay are close behind, with just under a third.I try to compare and contrast the data shown in the graph. By doing so, then you have covered the question from the prompt. Not answering the question leads to score lower.

It is also revealed

You need to change this tense into the active one as the latter form brings more clarity when presenting data. Here: This reveals that ...

Hope this helps :)

- Eddy Suaib.
eddies  [Contributor]  
Oct 9, 2017
Writing Feedback / The bar chart compares the worldwide sales figures for four different games over 6 years period [9]

Hellooo there..., it is your task to classify the data and compare them based on the instruction of IELTS task 1. Not only this, your skills in paraphrasing and summarizing are tested. Let me come first with the paraphrasing. This skill is needed when you start writing your opening paragraph. From your first paragraph, you did not cover this skill smoothly. Let me give you a try: A breakdown of the different kinds of digital games is presented in the bar chart. The data is taken from 2000 to 2006 and measured in billions of dollars. This essay will compare and contrast the figure for those games and be followed by a brief conclusion at the end. As you can see, I develop my introductory paragraph into three sentences in a row. By doing this, I help readers develop their understanding towards my report before they accomplish to read the whole essay. This also works in real exam condition. Help examiners to help you mark your writing easily. Again, the rest of paragraphs is not well-developed. You need to divide the data into two. This can be classified based on years or figures. But, for me, I prefer doing it with the first approach: by years. With this approach, then you write your essay with different tenses; Past tense and Past Perfect tense. Hope this helps :D

- Eddy Suaib
eddies  [Contributor]  
Oct 9, 2017
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 _Description of Graph - spending time on the phone calls [5]

Hellooo there..., it is always good to include the picture of the graph as this way helps us to help you thoroughly mark your essay. Without any picture, it sometimes takes time to proofread such an essay. As seen above, some have already shared their valuable feedback towards your essay. They suggest that you should pay particular attention to what IELTS wants you to do: word requirement, coherence and cohesion, and paraphrased prompt. I also notice that you need to put more concern on how you develop your paragraphs. A good paragraph, as far as my concern, at least consists of three sentences in a row, including a topic sentence and two supporting sentences. Take a look at more closely your paragraphs above shows that majority of them are missing those criteria. I think you'd better rewrite them, then I'll be back to check other parts. Good luck :D

- Eddy Suaib.
eddies  [Contributor]  
Oct 8, 2017
Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: The advantages and disadvantages of the current population structure [5]

Helllooo there, thank you for sending your essay here. Two reviewers have given their insights towards your essay. Now, it is my time to share my valuable feedback.

Paragraph 1:
- The first sentence of the paragraph has been covered, although some keywords are too close to the original ones, such as population, countries and large number.

- The second sentence thoroughly fails to present a strong thesis statement, as you did not outline the main ideas.

Paragraph 2:

- The first sentence is supposed to be a clear topic sentence derived from the thesis statement. Since you did not outline any main ideas in the thesis, then this part is lack of coherence.

- The second sentence of this paragraph should discuss your claims (elderly have more experience and are wiser than the young generation) from the aforementioned sentence.

- Some details of situations and eventually fail to go over difficulties are needed. Remember, In-depth explanations as to support your topic sentence should be there. Such explanations can be gained if only you use journalistic questions: 5W/ 1H.

Paragraph 3:
- you cannot use this---> On the other hand as no contrasting idea(s) there.

young people can create more economic progress than the older generation. Firstly, the youngsters are physically stronger than their counterparts

These two sentences are not linked. I cannot even find how the second sentence supports the idea from the former one.

Secondly, young workers can come up ...

Again, the second sentence did not support the the previous one. If I were you, then I'd discuss which certain ideas can create extra profit for a company.

Paragraph 4:
A good paragraph consists at least three sentences in a row. Although some suggest that IELTS concluding paragraph can be simply ended with one sentence, this way tends to be repetitive," which means that the structure constantly says the same ideas over and over, and therefore your score hovers at 6.0 for Task Response.

Hope this helps :D
-Eddy Suaib.
eddies  [Contributor]  
Sep 3, 2017
Writing Feedback / Population Growth (in billions) - India and China from 2000 until 2050 [4]

1/ Well done, but sadly you fail to cover what is being asked in IELTS report writing. As per IELTS writing band descriptor Task 1, candidates are instructed to present clear overview with the main trends if they want to score a higher ( 7 or above in TA). I did not see any improvement as suggested in the descriptor. If I were you, then I'd take the general trend from 2000 to 2050 as the main discussion and then break it into two or three different data. Afterwards, those are put in a brief summary of the report. These are as follow:

- a gap between 2000 and 2050
- Changes among the years.

2/ A good paragraph consists at least 3 sentences in a row. By doing so, you are more likely to meet the requirements in CC & GRA. Also, What stands out from your writing is some sentences are not well developed. As viable solutions: For the opening statement, you simply paraphrase the prompt given, but it is always better to start it with the second or the third idea, not the first one as majority students do. The following paragraphs are supposed to be a topic sentence followed by some data taken from the overview you make.

3/

First and foremost,

...

Plenty different with previous,

Keep your summary succinct and straight to the point. Some phrases as I highlight sound too bulky as majority students use them when it comes to IELTS essay. Not only this, using too many empty phrases will have your score deducted.

Hope this helps :)
eddies  [Contributor]  
Aug 24, 2017
Writing Feedback / The Ashdown Museum After and Before [5]

Hellooo there, you have written a good writing report in IELTS, but sadly some flaws appear somewhere around. Here they are:
1. A good paragraph consists of at least three sentences. Some paragraphs above did not meet the requirement. If you write this in the real exam, then it will have your score deducted in Coherence and Cohesion.

2. Most students start with this phrase

The table represents the total number of visitor

. Although this is a common approach to do so, that way is too generic and brings nothing in the way you paraphrase the prompt. Let me give you a try for this:

A comparison of the total visitors going to Ashwdown Museum after the developers refurbished it is presented in the table, while the charts illustrates the surveys based on the changes seen in this museum. The survey collected various responses given from the visitors. The key features of the data will be summarized and delivered thoroughly in this report writing.

3.

Overall, the Ashdown museum renovation

It is suggested that you need to compose a 2-sentence overview as to cover the general trends and the key points from the graphs. Also, you are not allowed to put figures, numbers or any specific data in this part. Save them for the body paragraphs.

4. When it comes to body paragraphs, clearly check the similarities and diversities of the data, then you need compare and contrast them with the languages used in the IELTS writing task 1. What stands out from your presentation above does not clearly state what IELTS wants you to do so. You simply list the data without any comparison,and this is the biggest mistake that most IELTS students do.

Hope this helps you :)
eddies  [Contributor]  
Jul 29, 2017
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Beside the internet's advantages, some people think that the internet brings bad effects. [3]

Well done, you have answered the prompt thoroughly although some areas in terms of paragraph development need more rooms for improvements. Lets talk about the opening paragraph. In this part, it is always good to build background sentences linked to the topic, but sadly you have failed to do so. As seen, some phrases like today debate and really harmless are sidetrack. Not only this, the former phrase is commonly used in Students' essay, and thus is too fake for examiners. I suggest rewriting or omitting this.

When it comes to thesis statement, this essay leaves readers for nothing. A good thesis statement should guide the readers what will be discussed in the following body paragraphs. The phrases: I will explain why in this essay will not help a lot. For this reason, you'd better omit it.

The body paragraphs above are too bulky since they contain overwhelming information. Focus on one idea for one paragraph. You might start with a topic sentence followed by a simple reason to defend your claim and create an example by using journalis questions (5W 1 H).

What makes your essay different from the others is the way you present supporting details. Remember this. Hopefully this helps :)
eddies  [Contributor]  
Jul 27, 2017
Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 1 - RADIO AND TV AUDIENCES [4]

well done, but you fail to cover what is being asked in IELTS writing criteria. For further information, then you can download and read IELTS band descriptor writing task 1. A good paragraph consists at least three sentences in a row. This is what most IELTS students do when they develop their paragraphs as to reach a score higher in coherence and cohesion. You need to rewrite these parts: " The line graph of radio and television..." and "It is obviously clear that most of Britons...". Also, you are being recommended presenting an overview, meaning that the description of general trends. As you did not have any of that, then your score for Task Achievement is hovering around a 5. When it comes to Grammatical and accuracy, you need to pay particular attention to the basic one, such as tenses in use, run-on sentences, sentence fragment and punctuation. If you cannot even control these, it will cost you a lot.
eddies  [Contributor]  
Jun 13, 2017
Writing Feedback / The information of millions of television viewers in sports by four different country. [3]

It is difficult to understand your writing since you do not have any picture included. Please post the picture of the graph. Not only this, it is always good to attach the question from the rubric, so we are easily to check the way you paraphrase the question.

Some points to consider when it comes to Writing Task 1:
1. You need to write an overview to covers in the body paragraphs.
2. Since this is Task 1, you are suggested to compare and contrast the figures. What I see from your writing above is lack of comparison and contrast sentences, in particular paragraph 2.

3. Please control you grammatical ranges: four different country = COUNTRIES; Not many people like = Not do many people like (inverted sentence)

hope this helps :)
eddies  [Contributor]  
Jun 10, 2017
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: Electricity Production Change in Australia and France [4]

Be careful when using words in writing task 1. Not all words can be used, for example: "different pattern in the changes of" sound unnatural here. It is always better to check them in your dictionary as to know how they are used in a proper way. Again, the paragraph 2 is struggling with words used and mechanics, and therefore this interrupts the flow of the sentence. Rather than using "was come", you'd better simply write "come", or you can switch the sentence, for example, people in Australia depended too much on coal, as this source was used to produce electricity, representing 50 of 100 units in total. A closer look at the last paragraph points out that as the phrase of "less change" misplaced, this cannot cover your presentation in the graph. Suggestion: not all phrases from the sample answer can be used in all IELTS essays. Make sure you know how to use it. What's more, you are lost in coherence. The word "it" refers to an empty idea as such a phrase is ambiguous, having more than one possible reference. Suggestion: find a good IELTS teacher to help you improve both lexical items and coherence in writing.
eddies  [Contributor]  
Jun 9, 2017
Writing Feedback / Should schools spend more time in teaching traditional subject or skills? [3]

Well, when it comes to introductory statement, then your task is to simply state the background or the rubric presented in the question. Although you have successfully created an opening paragraph, it seems that you did not cover the essential point in such a paragraph. this word "should school give the students more time learning traditional school subject, namely in history" for example is you only copy and cut and therefore this brings no value. If I were you, then I'd like peruse the question more closely as to understand what's between the lines. From this, then I'd restate using my own words focusing on the keyword given. This way helps you improve your paragraphing skills. Not only this, the paragraph shown above has no outline as this is in conjunction with the following paragraph. Suggestion for this: mention your outline exactly upfront. The two topic sentences from the body paragraphs are side track. This happens perhaps you failed to understand what is being asked from the rubric. Suggestion this: study sample answer, and find a good teacher to help you bring off this matter. Hope this helps :D
eddies  [Contributor]  
Jun 3, 2017
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing task 1 : The three companies' waste [9]

Hi there..., let me show you how I group the data based on the trend showed. Hope this helps you :D

This graph presents tonnes of waste produced in three different companies for every five years, from 2000 to 2015. The amounts of waste created from Company A and B showed dramatic decreases. This contrasted to the waste product of the Company C increasing gradually.

After reaching a high of 12 tonnes in the first year, the amount of waste produced by Company A continued to decline dramatically to the 2000 company's B figure. As it can be seen in the Company B, the amount of waste generated rose gradually in the initial year, but the converse would be true for the following years and then hitting a low of 3 tonnes over the ten-year period.

Although company C was close behind when it came to waste product in the 2000, this trend showed an upward trend from 4 to 6 tonnes in first 5 years and then continuously rose to overtake the figures for Company A and C in years of 2010 onwards.
eddies  [Contributor]  
May 21, 2017
Writing Feedback / Technological skills through computer games? Any other influence? [5]

Hi there...., please let me give you some valuable feedback on your impressive performance.

Para 1:
- Technological advance influences many parts of human life ----> This hook is too commonly used and sounds too vague. If you want to state a hook, then you'd better align it with the micro keywords on your essays.

- Nowadays,---> as long as you deal with the present time, or the discussion in comparison to the past, then it is always good to omit this phrase as more students use such a word in their opening statement, and therefore this can be categorized as one of the memorized phrases.

- Hence, I personally believe that though there is dismerits of using it but the advantages will be predominant gotten by them because of spesific reasons. ----> This sentence achieves little impact on your thesis statement. I say this since most students working with IELTS writing task 2 are thoroughly taught to use this. This results in them relying too much on such a sentence as they cannot even create their own sentences unless the memorized one, like you did. .

The head where the brain is located is the only part of the body that encompasses the organs of all five senses. Although other parts of the body are important, they all are be useless without a functioning brain. This seems like your composition in IELTS writing task 2. If you are struggling badly through how to develop a strong, clear, succinct thesis statement, then this significantly affects the following paragraphs. What stands out from the introduction will be taken into account by examiners.

Please rewrite your first paragraph. Once it is done, post it here then I'll scrutinize other parts of this essay.

Hope this helps :D
eddies  [Contributor]  
Apr 13, 2017
Writing Feedback / The typical destinations for students after graduating. IELTS Writing Task 1: Comparing the chart [4]

hi there..., I have perused your writing report more closely, then I think some areas for improvement in terms of TA, CC, LR & GRA should be taken into consideration.

The diagrams below ilustrate the destination of UK graduate and postgraduate scholars who did not work full-time after graduating from the university in 2008.

As seen, the input material is directly copied as an introduction to this response. This is deducted your score as such a way is not counted and so loses marks in terms of TA

To earn a good score in this part, it is your task to compare and contrast the data shown by using both languages of comparison and change. Not only this, you need to present a very clear overview, covering what is being discussed in the following body paragraphs.

When it comes to communicative quality, it is always good to learn paragraph skills. Such skills help you organize every paragraph you construct more appropriately. As it can be seen from your report written, the paragraphs used are in adequate, and therefore this will send you to gain score lower in CC.

In this writing task 1, I did not see any less common vocabulary. Fyi, you will be tested on how to use sophisticated lexical items. In my place, English Studio Kampung Inggris Pare, I am more likely to foster an interest in uncommon ones in my IELTS students by reading more sample answers as I thoroughly believe that If students can use this with rare minor errors, then such a score will pass with flying colors.

Use past, rather than present, as this data based the graph taken from 2008. If you cannot use correct tense in this report, then this will distort the meaning. Remember that.

Hope this helps :D
eddies  [Contributor]  
Feb 22, 2017
Writing Feedback / The ways used to dispose of the harmful garbage in Korea, Sweden and United Kingdom [3]

The introductory paragraph is well done, but I think you need to put some ideas in order to make your opening paragraph is more interesting. Let me give you an example:

Some comparisons of how to get rid of harmful waste are presented in the charts. The data is taken from different countries and is measured in percentage.

Also, some changes have been made in the following paragraph. Here is the one:

General speaking, people in Sweden are more likely to bury such materials, while those living in Korea recycle more their waste. Although waste products in the UK interred in underground show the highest proportion, hardly are these materials reused into other products.

Hope this helps :D
eddies  [Contributor]  
Sep 15, 2016
Writing Feedback / The amounts of meat, salt, and fish consumed in China, starting from 1985 to 2010 [5]

The line chart compares the amounts of meat, salt, and fish ...

This is good, but still needs more rooms for improvement. If I were you, then I'd like to swap such a sentence into a passive form as like a report writing is developed in general.

It can be clearly seen that the fish consumption numbers ...

The main objective of the overview is to reveal the main trends of the graph constructed in 2 sentences.

the number of meat consumption

This is grammatically incorrect. WRITE the amount, instead of the number

1990 and 1995 where

WHERE refers to a place while WHEN shows a time.

On the other hand,

Nevertheless,

overusing cohesive devices/ linking words has points deducted.

the biggest

This word is inappropriate in IELTS task 1.

I suggest reading sample answer as many as you can. This helps you improve grammar, vocabulary and grouping skills in particular IELTS writing report. Hope this helps :D
eddies  [Contributor]  
Sep 15, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1 The diagram illustrates the change of food consumption in China in quarter century [4]

In conclusion, even though fish ...

You have to write no conclusion in task 1. Otherwise, you score hovers 5 or below. Your task is to write an overview extracted from the main trends of the data.

The diagram illustrates the change of food consumption ...

You failed to present an appropriate opening paragraph. What you have to do is write at least 3 sentences in a paragraph.

It was approximately begun

it virtually hovered ...

In contrast, it was totally different from meat consumption

This contrasts to meat consumption

Obviously, you could write, but this needs more rooms for improvement. I suggest reading sample answers as many as you can. This helps you improve your vocabularies, grammar, grouping skills and ideas related IELTS writing task 1. Hope this helps :D
eddies  [Contributor]  
Sep 2, 2016
Writing Feedback / For over years, people always been paid attention on their look while working. [3]

For over years, people always been paid attention on their look while working. When you search on youtube, there are many tutorial for using a good suit in the company. However, should they dressed smartly?

This does not thoroughly answer the prompt given. As this is a both-view-essay question, your task is to justified your claim towards the two initiative views. In here, you are missing such a highlighted point, and therefore this costs you a lot for the score. Trust me.

Permata Bank

Go-Jek, Tokopedia and Bukalapak

Remember, IELTS is an international exam, so you need to discuss the issues presented as per the global view, not the local one. It is always good to put yourself on other global citizen's view. This helps you examine the issue in the worldwide aspects

will attracted to them

Will attract a lot of attention from the people who were nearby

In contrast, the recent research conduct by Harvard University about "Happy Workers"

A good paragraph starts with a topic sentence, not illustrations as you did. The topic sentence is extracted from the thesis you present exactly upfront in the introduction.

In my opinion,

This is not a concluding signal. This phrase is used when you are discussing your stand towards the issues. Quickly google concluding phrases, pick up one and generate it to your next essay.

Hope this helps :D
eddies  [Contributor]  
Sep 2, 2016
Writing Feedback / The graph below shows relative price changes for fresh fruits and vegetables, sugars - Writing TASK [6]

Hi there..., thank you for sharing your essay here. Without further ado, let me give some valuable feedback.

It is always good to leave one space every time you write a new paragraph. This makes your writing easy to read. More importantly, you are more likely to control how many words are written in a paragraph.

The chart displays prices alterations for fresh food and vegetables, sugars, and sweet, and carbonat drinks from 1978 to 2009.

This is a good intro, but it seems that this sentence are very similar to the the original one, and therefore this will deduct your score. I think you'd better switch it into the passive one. Here it is: A clear comparison of how the prices of fresh fruits and vegetables, sugar and sweets, and carbonated drinks change during the period in question is presented in the line graph.

fresh fruits and vegetables increase

An significant increase was seen in the price of fresh fruits and vegetables

fresh fruits and vegetables dramatically increase almost catch up 350.

The figure for the price of fresh fruits and vegetables increased dramatically and virtually reached a peak of 350%

I strongly suggest reading sample answers as many as you can. This helps you improve your grammar, vocabulary and ideas related to IELTS essays. Hope this helps :D

A heap of luck
eddies  [Contributor]  
Sep 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2: Problem and solution of children who playing computer games [2]

Hi there..., thank you for sending your writing here. Without further ado, Let me give you some valuable insights.

Recently, a large number of ...

If you write NUMBER OF, then this phrase should be followed by plural noun, e.g A LARGE NUMBER OF PEOPLE/ CARS

Recently, a large number of inhabitant ...

Again, this idea is incomplete since there is no subject-and-verb agreement, which is the important point in a sentence. Here is a try:
Recently, a large number of inhabitants in the various age groups are familiar with computers and have used such technology in daily basis.

One of them is children that disposed ...

This is good, but the language presented is not natural. Here is the change:
Computer games also influence children's activities. Therefore, some of them are addicted.

Playing computer games have drawbacks such as ...

It is believed that such games interrupt school and other activities and seduce kids to do what they have seen on the screen.

The best way to reduce the negative effect is ...

It is suggested that children should be educated about computer games.

Overall, you can write, but some improvements are needed in particular language use. I strongly suggest reading sample answer as many as you can. This way helps you improve good grammar, vocabulary and ideas related to IELTS issues. Hope this helps :D

A heap of luck
eddies  [Contributor]  
Aug 31, 2016
Writing Feedback / The common silkworm's life cycle and how silk cloth is harvested from them [4]

The diagram process illustrates the silkworm life cycle and ...

The most advanced form of metamorphosis is presented in this diagram. There are four stages of a life cycle of a silkworm broken down . The life cycle ends with cocoon and continues to grow into an adult moth over the following days after being started in eggs.

To begin with,

A very good essay always avoids generic phrases.

the silkworm alter into silk thread

You can use transforms or metamorphoses

Well, you need much help, English prof.
The best approach to tackle grammar issues is to read sample answers as many as you can. Not only this, such a way improves your vocabulary and ideas related to IELTS essay.

Hope this helps :D
a heap of luck
eddies  [Contributor]  
Aug 31, 2016
Writing Feedback / Human activity is more pleasure due to the sophisticated existence of Internet [3]

Human activity is more pleasure due to ...

If I were you, then I would develop my paragraph with at least three sentences. This way helps you gain more score in coherence.

Since this is the second prompt that I find here in a row, I won't discuss the intro in details. Simply check my ideas related to the opening paragraph here: https://essayforum.com/writing/internet-made-human-lives-convenient-70420/

The great advantage of the internet is online shopping

This does not go hand in hand with the thesis statement. Try to align your thesis with the topic sentence.

Online shopping appeared

You need to write this with present tense, not the past one.

Online shopping enable people to fulfill various live necessities

... ENABLES ... DAILY ...

tokopedia.com.

IELTS is an international exam, meaning that it is your task to discuss worldwide common issues. Instead of talking about TOKOPEDIA.COM, why don't you think of AMAZON.COM???

I suggest reading sample answers as many as you can. This helps you improve your grammar, vocabulary and ideas in conjunction with IELTS essays. Hope this helps :D

a heap of luck
eddies  [Contributor]  
Aug 31, 2016
Writing Feedback / It is true that the Internet affects the way people live. Our life is much more easier now. [2]

At present, the internet was attend in our daily routines.

This idea comes nowhere. Also, you need to write this present tense, not the past one.
Let me give a try: It is true that the Internet affects the way people live.

In addition, people's lives more easier due to the internet.

Again, this contains a grammatically incorrect sentence
Let me give a try: This helps people live more easily.

I more likely to believe that the internet give an ease in various activities.

This sentence has been discussed in the previous ideas. You do not need to include this unless the sentence is redundant.

This essay would stand to propose my proponent to the notions of broaden horizon and easier with communication.

This sounds more complicated. It is always better to use PLAIN ENGLISH rather than BIG WORDS that you do not 100% understand how to use it properly.

As you can see, some changes have made. More attention should be paid on how to provide a very good introduction, since it is your stepping stones to the next paragraph. If you fail here, then I am sure you are in trouble.

Hope this helps :D
A heap of luck
eddies  [Contributor]  
Aug 30, 2016
Writing Feedback / West Park Secondary School map. The building experienced a significant change from 1950 to 2010. [2]

Ilmi_03..., it is good to see you again here with a very good report writing. However, some changes are needed in particular the opening statement. Here it comes:

The maps compares the differences of a school building, West Park Secondary School, from 1950 to 2010. Overall, it can be seen that, the building experienced a significant change a six-decade period.

The development of West Park Secondary School is illustrated in the maps. A significant alteration from 1950 to 2010 was seen in optimization for the schools' various needs. Some public areas for the past 60 years had no changes.

A good paragraph is written at least with three sentences. As you can see, I utterly develop my opening paragraph with that structure.

the school has been improving its facilities continuously

The grammar is correct, but the meaning is illogical. To tackle this, swap the sentence into a passive form. Schools' facilities had been improved massively.

Hope this helps :D
A heap of luck
eddies  [Contributor]  
Aug 30, 2016
Writing Feedback / Writing IELTS task 1 : the components of a wind turbine and where it can be placed [2]

Hi there...., including the original prompt of this diagram is a must, as to know that you are being measured how good your paraphrased sentence in the opening paragraph is.

There are two diagrams below which show the mechanism from a wind turbine to produce electrical energy for humans.

The diagram shows how a wind turbine is built for electrical energy purposes.

Overall, those are noticeable that first graph is the process of a wind turbine

What stands out from the first graph is that the process of a wind turbine needs some advanced steps.

then in the second stage is the optimal location to generate electricity.

While the latter one tells us some potential locations of such a generator as to produce more results.

Once you finish presenting a very good intro, then I will cogitate about the body paragraphs. I want you to focus on how to develop good sentences. Therefore, I suggest reading sample answer as many as you can. This helps you improve your vocabularies, sentence structure and ideas related to IELTS topics. A heap of luck :D
eddies  [Contributor]  
Aug 30, 2016
Writing Feedback / It is generally believed that the Internet is an excellent means of communication but some people su [4]

Please include the original prompt every time you post your writing. The question helps us understand the topic and task given.

Common people accept the best way to get information is Internet

The Internet as the source of the information is the latest communication tool.

on the other hand, it is not only route of communication.

Although this is true to some extent, such a tool opens up more opportunities for those who deal with.

In my perspective, Internet had been supplied preponderance of information to connectedly people.

In my opinion, the Internet has successfully changed the way people communicate.

Yet, it is give to people rampant information and people must be selective to choose an information.

However, people should be wiser to use this technology as the reliability of its information cannot be justified.

Well, it seems that you are trying to use BIG WORDS in this session. For your information, IELTS is not a vocabulary test, so using BIG WORDS will NOT help you score higher. Use plain English is always better, since this language brings clarity.

Hope this helps :D
eddies  [Contributor]  
Aug 30, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2 - Degree Study Abroad [2]

hi there.., here are my valuable insights.

the rise of scholarship to study

No, no, no.. you are not being asked to discuss how scholarship plays its role here, and therefore we can say that this essay is off-topic. By doing so, I am sure that this way will deduct your score when it comes to the real exam. It is mandatory that you have to peruse the question more closely to prevent your essay from off topic.

It is different from the previous years when the students tended to study in local university.

Compared to the previous years, more students today are more likely to study abroad.

Study overseas will give the benefits and drawbacks in the future which i will explain in the following paragraphs .

What are the benefits and drawbacks? Say them exactly upfront so readers will grasp the following ideas based on the opening paragraph. Do not be such surprise here, you are in the wrong place.

As you did not present well-written an introductory paragraph, I may assume that this essay lacks task responses and coherence & cohesion. Reading sample answers as many as you can helps you improve your knowledge of IELTS essays. Not only this, your grammar and vocabularies are getting better. Hope this helps :D