Writing Feedback / [IELTS] schools should only teach children the academic subject [6]

Hei kelly219,

First of all, i suggest you to leave a space in every paragraph because this layout needs more work to read.



make it simple and clear sentence.
Some parents argue that formal education can help their children to get a job and to avoid idleness.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: The graphs above give information about computer ownership [8]

The key points of detail information in the writing task 1 tend to show the differences and similarities. So, you should make it impressive with comparison and contrast which is collaborated with.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Many old buildings protected by law are part of a nation's history. [8]


Every country has old buildings which are a masterpiece with a wonder architecture.


it should passive voice.
A law is made by government to maintain the historical buildings as a part of nation's history and a heritage.


you should restatement this prompt.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: paying taxes is enough contribution from citizens [8]


clarity and simplicity introduction, I really like this. task response is clearly enough answered.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Planning a new hypermarket (A, B and C) in the city of Pellington. [8]


Are you sure with this statement? only two areas (A and C) is accrosed railway and motorway crosses area B.
There are three areas where have been recomended areas for a new hypermart.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: People attend collage or university especially for career preparation [9]


college


whether > misspelling


bad sentence
try this ; some people who are interested in studying have the same opinion.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: should all offenders be sent to prisons? 'alternative punishment' [7]

Hello Yvonne_lulu,

1. I suggest you to give a space in every a new paragraph. Readers need more work to read your writing if your layout is without space. In IELTS, if you write your essay without space you will lose your point.

2. Introduction is the crucial part to attrack reades attention. So, you should give a statement expressing of your opinion very clear, you can follow approach given by pahan.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: Animals should not be exploited by people [6]


Introduction is the crucial part to attrack reader attention. Perhaps you can rewrite this sentence and follow pahan's suggestion to make your introduction impressive. Eva, read more study sample to get many vocabularies and patterns.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Proposed sites for a new hypermarket in the city of Pellington. [5]

A key point in the writing task 1 is the differences and similarities. Personally, i prefer to explain the detail differences in the first body paragraph and in the second body paragraph i will discuss about similarities and interestingly, the approach is;

1. Introduction ; general information
2. Overview ; main trend
3. Body paragraph 1 ; detail information of differences
4. Body paragraph 2; detail information of similarity and interestingly


In conclusion, site A is the strategic area to establish a new hypermarket where is located between residential and industrial areas, and is connected with railway.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Technology impact on children's creativity. [7]


In the conclusion is rare to give detail information. In this part you should show the summary of the evidence based on the case of your essay or you can restatement of the thesis.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 : The electricity consumption and cost per year [8]

It seems overview because you tell about the main trend, so you need one part as a body paragraph to explain the detail information and this part can be conclusion.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 1:Type of fast food consumed by Australian teenagers from 1975 to 2000 [4]

shoping list or listing. i suggest you to adopt comparison and contrast essay to deliver your detail information. Moreover, follow the approach suggested by dumi for this task will improve your score in writing task 1.

Writing Feedback / Unemployment rates in US and Japan from March 1993 to March 1999 [6]


is that your introduction? if it is your introduction i think too long and quite confusing.

Introduction
The graph illustrates idleness rates in US and Japan during a particular period of time over ranging March 1993 to March 1999.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 : Changes of mode transportation using in UK [5]

Hello SHanafi,

Perhaps we can divide the means of transport to be two categories;
1. private transport (bicycle, car)
2. public transport (local bus, long distance bus, train, taxi)
however, walking and other become the other choice.

A key point in IELTS task 1 is how we can analyze the differences and the sameness of two distinct subjects and we have to adopt the comparison and contrast pharagraph in essay.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Hydroelectric dam and turbine [5]


The picture depicts the hydroelectric dam process which is used for electricity.

Grammar issue


it's bad structure in the sentence because it only consists of to-infinitive clause.


where's your verb?



I suggest you to read grammar book

Writing Feedback / Learn more about another country by watching tv programmes and films about it [4]


Personally, i like this essay because you address all parts of the task.
for improving your writing skill, this is an approach from dumi (our moderator) to build the good introduction;
1. Hook - An interesting statement to catch the reader's attention
2. Background - Give the context to the reader
2.1. Definition of the question
2.2. Importance of the question (why it is important to discuss this argument)
3. Thesis statement - Express your view

Writing Feedback / IETLS task 2: Is it necessary to restict Long working hours in workplace? [9]

Hello pahan,
This is the spesification of task response band 8 based on writing task 2 band description.
1. sufficiently addresses all parts of the task
2. presents a well-developed response to the question with relevant, extended and supported ideas.

in my view, i have to admit that your writing is quite good, but there is only partially "agree". I worry that you will lose your score. If i can give a suggestion, you have to make balance between agree and disagree. You can explain the disagree statements in the first body paragraph and you can give your own view "agree" in the second body paragraph. It's only my personal view, sorry if i get wrong in my advice.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: The audiences of radio and television for full the day in 1992. [6]


i totally agree with dumi, because you have overview in the second paragraph.


it tends to follow listing paragraph. i suggest you to implement comparison and contrast to infrom your detail information.

Writing Feedback / The number of television sales annually from 1996 to 1999 [4]


between 1996 and 1999.


wrong
noun phrase ; a significant increase
or
significantly (adv) increase (verb)


A more detailed look at the bar chart reveals that ....
Overall is an indication of Overview which contains the main trend.


it seems the introduction but you put it as a conclusion

personally, i'm quite confuse with your approach.

Writing Feedback / IELTS:The stages and equipment used in the cement-making process [6]

Hello eva,
Well, let's discuss about writing task 1 which explains about process. Do you remember about type of paragraph, eva? there are 5 types of paragraphs. In this case, the prompt is about processing, so you have to implement squence paragraph. Squence paragraph divided up into two types. There are process and time, so the appropiate is squence-process paragraph for composing your writing.

Writing Feedback / ielts - Every year several languages die cut; Language as pride of every nation [13]


It will be good if you attach the full prompt.

Your writing needs more work to read because you didn't leave a space when you open a new paragraph. Without space between a new paragraph will lose your score. I suggest you to write "writing IELTS Task 2 band description".

Writing Feedback / Water cycles - process showing how water evaporates, condenses and precipitates [7]

Hello ira,

It is IELTS Task 1...! wrong title


It's quite simple introduction and i believe this introduction cannot catch reader attention. Please rewrite.

As long as i am looking at your writing task 1, me and eddies always give suggestion how to compose the paragraphs in writing task 1 but you didn't pay attention with our comments. I suggest you to read "IELTS TASK 1 Writing band descriptors (public version)"

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 : TRIP TO WORK IN HOUSTON, TEXAS [5]


I totally agree with eddies.

Arya, there are 5 types of paragraphs which are usually used by writer.
1. Listing
2. Squence
2.1 Time
2.2 Process
3. Comparison and contrast
4. Problem and solution
5. Cause and effect.

Most of IELTS students usually are using listing paragraph in writing task 1. Whereas, we should implement the comparison and contrast paragraph in our writing to inform the detail information.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK II : Inventors are not as important to society as doctors ? [5]

Hello Arya,
It's one of the new prompt in IELTS writing task 2. The question has an emphasis only on "extent do you agree." So, It has different method with agree-disagree. In the first body, you explain the other side of agree statement and i think that it's wrong. In this case, you should focus on explaination of agree statement. Perhaps you can rewrite this essay. Good luck...!

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Graph of the winter heating costs from 2003 to 2011 [7]

Listing paragraph. I suggest you to make this paragraph with comparation and contrast. The second suggestion is that you should divide the detail information into two body paragraphs with the same proportion of sentence.

Writing Feedback / Should children be reeducated with severe methods? [8]


there are three questions in your prompt and those questions have to restatement in the introduction.


A healthful comportament in childhood depends in many cases on religious and cultural matters. >> Hook
While in South Eastern countries stricter approaches to educate children are preferred, in Western countries is more common to utilitsate kindful methods. >> Background

In this essay I will set forth the benefits that these two educational approaches ential in a child's upbringing life. >> thesis statemen personally i like your introduction, but remember you should paraphrase the prompt well.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Subway system in London, Paris, Tokio, Washington, Kyoto and Los Angeles [4]


The construction of London's subway system was coming first in 1863 which revealed the length with 394 km and carried 775 passengers.

For avoiding lexical resources "delivered"



1191 passengers occupied the subterranean in Paris

Grammar Issue

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Children are working for money, therefore they learn the value of money [4]


It's true what mr. eddies said and your writing needs more work to read because make reader confuse.

For me writing task 2 is more complicated than writing task 1. We have to know types of paragraphs which are 5 types;
1. Listing
2. Squence
2.1 Time
2.2 Process
3. Cause and Effect
4. Problem and Solution
5. Comparison and contrast.

In the body paragraph we have to implement those types or at least 2 types, because reader will be bored to read if we only use a type.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: CHALLENGE - some people are attracted to dangerous sports/ activities [5]


My teacher said that introduction is a part to catch reader attention. So, making the good introduction is must. Commonly, introduction contains the general information of the case in the prompt. There are many ways to make the introduction;

1. Following dumi's pattern for introduction
2. Paraphrasing the prompt to be two sentences, (ielts-simon)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Greenhouse gases trap energy from the sun [9]

Hello ipinupin,

As mr. eddie said about the sake of this writing


so, you have to give the information based on the prompt. As long as i read your writing you did not present the clear information. Moreover, if you have overview you can omit the conclusion, but you should divide your body paragraph to be two parts.

Writing Feedback / Germany and France electricity generation 2009 [7]


comparison and contrast is used to inform the writing report. So, i suggest you to make comparison and contrast in your writing. Moreover, you should write 150 words in writing task 1 and pay attention with the grammar issue. Keep writing and don't give up.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: electricity generated in Germany and France in the year 2009 [6]


The pie charts show

there are 5 types of paragraph
1. Listing > your writing is following this type .
2. Sequence
2.1. Time
2.2. Process
3. Cause and effect
4. Comparison and contrast
5. Problem and solution

comparison and contrast is used to inform the writing report. So, i suggest you to make comparison and contrast in your writing.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: production of electricity in Germany and France from all sources [7]

Hello ira...
did you know the common patterns of ielts task 2;
the first pattern;
1. Intorduction
2. Overview
3. Body 1
4. Body 2

the second pattern;
1. Introduction
2. Body 1
3. Body 2
4. Conclusion

there are 5 types of paragraph
1. Listing
2. Sequence
2.1. Time
2.2. Process
3. Cause and effect
4. Comparison and contrast
5. Problem and solution

For writing task 1, comparison and contrast is used to inform the writing report. So, i suggest you to make comparison and contrast in your writing because your writing tends to follow listing paragraph.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1: How greenhouse gases [3]


The picture depicts how the greenhouse gases are produced by the sun


i think this sentence quite confusing.
Many people are producing carbon dioxide from burning fossile fuels in daily activity. Moreover, companies are the biggest sector which play a crucial problem as greenhouse creator.

according to oxford thesaurus:
establish : to start or create something, such as an organization or system.
build : to make something, especially a building, by putting parts together.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK I : Britons weekly expenditure on fast food (two charts) [11]



First time i wrote this prompt i was writing in four paragraphs
www.essayforum.com/writing-feedback-3/task-amount-money-per-week- spent-fast-foods-britain-rewrite-55498/

In the second time i attempted to follow ialf's pattern with 6 paragraphs
www.essayforum.com/writing-feedback-3/task-fast-foods-britain-554 40 /

as a result, i take a summarize that if we have difficulty to identify an overview, we can analyse the data and make an analyse paragraph.

Writing Feedback / IES: the state pay all students tuition fees, or students should pay themselves? [7]

you should attach the full prompt because as long as i know that ielts has many kinds of prompts and every prompt has to difine with spesific answer. There are agree-disagree, advantages-disadvantages and so on.

i think to be good writer we have to pay attention with all aspects such articles (a, an, the)

Writing Feedback / radio and television audiences throughout the day in 1992. [8]



Perhaps you can replace with;
- Turning to the data...
- Moving onto...
- A more detailed look at the bar chart informs that...



If you have overview you can omit the conclusion.

Writing Feedback / Ielts: complaint letter - dissatisfaction with the T-shirt [4]

In my view, your writing is pretty good







In my oppinion, it will be good if you give an advice for them what should they do to overcome a complaint.

Writing Feedback / If I am to travel 40 miles distance, I would choose the train [6]



you don't have a verb


too long sentence. try to rewrite this sentence.



follow the suggestion from mr. eddies.

Keep writing and pouring your idea in your essay.

Letters / IELTS test: newspaper letter - "best neighbor in the area" competition. [8]


Whilesubject + verb, (comma)subject + verb.
Subject + verb,(comma)whilesubject + verb.


And is used as a connector with balance grammar which is used.
eg; I am reading and writing. | I work and study.


I have never met a young speaking english tutor which has good fluency and accuracy.