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Posts by faizunaa17 [Suspended]
Name: Mushonnifun Faiz Sugihartanto
Joined: Sep 14, 2016
Last Post: Jan 8, 2017
Threads: 49
Posts: 91  
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From: Indonesia
School: ITS Surabaya

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faizunaa17   
Jan 8, 2017
Writing Feedback / Introductions and Overviews IELTS [4]

Hello Krempetkov

First of all, let's start with Yemen's essay.

In my opinion, since this is the overall, you can paraphrase the age categories to be more effective and i recommend to you to avoid the "similar words" in the graph. For instance, you can paraphrase the age groups into this forms :

0-14 : The youngest groups/ Pupils / Children below fifteen /
14 - 59 : Middle age groups / Teenagers and Adults / people in productive age /
60 + : The oldest groups / Older People /


Secondly, the Canadian overall

In my opinion, it is good since it can addressed all of the parts, but you can develop it into more less common vocabulary :

"It is clear that" ===> too common. Perhaps you can swap into A closer detailed look at X reveals / A more detailed look at X reveals

Because there are no difference in the graph, all are increase in 2006, you can add additional information in your overall like that :
"All of the trends that is depicted in the Bar charts bear no difference, since it always increase in 2006"

Your third overview in my opinion is already great.

Hopefully it brings benefit to you
faizunaa17   
Jan 8, 2017
Writing Feedback / Toefl writing: technology has apparently assisted our kids to become more creative [3]

Hello Olivia Yang, I will give you several suggestions

1. Since this opinion essay, I think you'd better to use as many as adjectives/adverbs to emphasise your opinion or your explanation. Take examples from that :

However, I disagree

---> You can put I "totally/significantly/ultimately" disagree if you are 100% disagree
----> You also can put I "tend to/apparently/have tendency to/" disagree, if you still fifty-fifty.

2. Since this is academic style, avoid to use "And/But" in the beginning of the sentence.

And on the opposite, technology has ...

3. Your topic sentence in the second sections, seems not too simple. In my view, you must simplify it to make it to be more easy to understand

In general, your essay is already easy to follow. But, you should put more phrasal verbs and less uncommon verbs to boost your score.

Good Luck !
faizunaa17   
Dec 3, 2016
Writing Feedback / Nowadays, dance is known as a social dance and as a connectivity. Summary TED [2]

Hello akhi

Camille A. Brown isARE a Choreographer and educator

1. You mention two jobs of Camelia Brown ---> Choreographer and Educator

She becameSA speaker inOF TEDx in 2016, (NEED COMMA HERE) and she said (...) dance expressES social community

2. BECAMES ----> She + Becames (She, He, It must be followed with VERB S )

3. article 'A' for beginning.

4. EXPRESSES ---> same reason with number 2

... social activities such as,(NOT NEED COMMA HERE) cultures, and social life

because society in the past, people express[b]ED[/b] their activities (...) and more OTHERS

5. EXPRESSED ---> you say in the past

6. OTHERS ---> you can place "more" because it kind of determiner / pronoun / adverb, so must be followed with adjective or other words

Take it samplean example

7. Use that because it appropriate collocations.

we can say that american WAS influenced BY African cultures.

8. Watch carefully about passive tense.

Keep hard work !
faizunaa17   
Dec 2, 2016
Writing Feedback / Technology in the worldwide is developing significantly. This leads to several changes in our planet [2]

Modern technology is changing our world. This has advantages such as bringing people closer together through communication. It also has disadvantages such as destroying the differences between cultures. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

These days, technology in the worldwide is developing significantly. This occurrence leads several changes in our planet. It brings numerous pros and cons for all people, like can create better way for communication in the advantage, even though has drawback such as demolishing cultural distinct. In my opinion, I completely agree if albeit there are some negative effects, but the utilization of technology is really needed by many people to fulfill their daily need.

To begin with, we already know that long distance looks like is disappearing since the invention of the mobile phone, even some social media applications. It totally proves that our devices are successfully for creating closely relationship between our friends and family through intensive communication. For instance, when my parents went to Mecca eleven years ago, the newest discovery of video call made us constantly to keep contact every day, and moreover, it made both of us feeling safe and convenient.

Meanwhile, there are some arguments that is mentioned that large number of the differences between culture is broken as a result of overusing technology. In fact, it is actually wrong, because by using the power of that modern tools, it can be easy for us to instantly spread it just in seconds. Furthermore, people are able to share each other about their local culture, dance, and some landmarks in their hometown just by uploading it into Facebook or Instagram. So, contrasting people's view that is mentioned before, technology has immense effect for spreading it around the world.

In conclusion, although some people are afraid that the usage of technology can disturb the differences between cultures, it does not matter since we can consume in an appropriate way. It is because the great relation between people can be built with solely talk via our screen.
faizunaa17   
Dec 2, 2016
Writing Feedback / TASK 1 - AVERAGE DISTANCE TRANSPORTATION MODE [2]

A breakdown of the inhabitants' average distance of the transportation modes in England between 1985 and 2000 is depicted by using a table that is measured in miles. Overall, car was presented as the highest value, while the lowest was taxi. In general, it can be divided into three categories, there are vehicles that had tremendous, moderate, and tiny changes.

To begin with, the most enormous change was shown by taxi that rose more than three times than before, from 13 to 42. Then, private car, which had the foremost number went up to more than 50%, from 3199 to 4806. It was followed by train and local distance bus, both had around similar raise.

The second division were local bus and other which had distinct trend, although their change was moderate. While the local coach deteriorated moderately by 155 in 2000, other kinds of transportation mode went upward from 450 to 585.

Lastly, it was represented by walking and bicycle. It can be seen that pedestrian only had different 18 miles in those two years, while less distance was shown by cycler that solely at 51 in 1985, and had the tiniest drop among all by 10 miles.




faizunaa17   
Dec 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / TASK 2 - ONLINE DATING POSSIBILITY during this immense evolution of technology [2]

With the latest technological advancements, dating is now possible online. Would you recommend online dating for your single friends? What are the advantages and disadvantages of online dating? Site some examples to support your answer.\

The immense evolution of technology makes everything possible to do, by solely touching fingers in our devices. As a consequence, these days, we are able to find online dating providers. This phenomenon actually great for reducing single inhabitant's population in the world, but I will utterly not recommend this to my unmarried friends, because beside I am still single, it also brings many demerits such as lack of the real sweetheart's selves and earn much sins from our God, albeit it still has disadvantages like less costly, even can make relationship with more than one person.

In fact, online dating services have many users around the world, because they think it has many merits that can they got. First, it is inexpensive rather than having a real mate. For instance, they do not need to buy food, jewelries, or some presents, although sometimes they do it. Moreover, without directly meeting, their spending for fuel is lower than people who do offline relationship. Second, some people say that they can have numerous boyfriends or girlfriends through the social media application. It is really possible because they just communicate via computer screen, and they can easily deceive to their mates.

Contrasting with my previous explanation, the negative effects ultimately outweigh the benefit. The primary reason is because people are unable to know the real personality of their soulmates. For example, some users can fill the information in the website with fake data such as occupation, religion, and the others. Moreover, many fresh criminals are caused by the internet that were unprecedented before. Taken example of that, in my country an enormous number of girls are got sexual violence that is began with over interact in online communication. Another reason that conclusively notable is because dating can provoke our God for throwing people to the hell as their sins when they do it.

All in all, I entirely disagree with online dating because it has many inadequate impact, even it is forbidden in my faith. So, for all who still single, they are proposed to immediately marry someone who becomes the true love until make them flying together to the paradise.
faizunaa17   
Dec 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / Who was more eager to get an advanced education? Men, women and after full or part-time education? [2]

Hello ching tang

There isWAS an incredible (...) further part-time learning than full-time learning .

1. WAS ---> PAST TENSE, because it is in 1970 to 1991

2. avoid REPETITION , because when you say only part-time, people can still know because you already mention before

On the other hand, the chart tells us THAT the numbers of men in part-time education decrease comparedFLUCTUATED, BETWEEN 1970 AND 1991

3. Add connector "that"

4. Please make sure you input the CORRECT DATA, the number of men is not increase in those years, it's fluctuate
faizunaa17   
Dec 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / Polar species spotted in the deep seas of the Mediterranean [3]

Hello Mr. Mei :p

... ocean life in Oceana was discoverDISCOVEREDof an Atlantic lantern Shark which hasHADlongLENGTH 20 centimetres CENTIMETERS and glowing bright blue GLOWED BLUE BRIGHT along its spine ...

1. WAS + DISCOVER ---> DOUBLE VERB , DISCOVERED ---> VERB 2, "menemukan"

2. HAS ---> HAD , since this occurence in the past time

3. LONG ---> LENGTH, long (adjective), ====> length (noun)

4. TYPO --> CENTIME"TERS"

5. GLOWED (VERB PAST) + BLUE (ADJ, color) + BRIGHT (NOUN, lampu)

and they are WERE very surprising because they are discoverTHEIR DISCOVERY OF an ocean environment isWAS almost completely unexplored and inventINVENTED several species which WERE very exciting.

6. ARE ---> WERE (PAST TENSE)

7. THEIR DISCOVERY OF ( I looked at your sentence structure, and it must be like that to make it correct)

8. IS ---> WAS (PAST TENSE)

9. INVENT ---> INVENTED (PAST TENSE)

10. WHICH + WERE (VERB) ---> don't forget to place your verb there.

Dioba, please make sure you know the TIME SIGNAL of the article, Present or Past.
Then, please study again about subject verb agreement.

Break A Leg !
faizunaa17   
Dec 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / A comparison of lakeside between 2000 and 2009 is portrayed by using two illustrations. [2]

A comparison of lakeside between 2000 and 2009 is portrayed by using two illustrations. Overall, there were several changes that led the place into more modern city, that was represented by the appearance of facilities such as car park, offices, university, shopping center, and widening the size of Industrial area.

To begin with, started with the building in the northwest of the lake. In 2000, we can see derelict warehouse and old town besides the resident's area. Then, those two was demolished to construct parking area, new workplaces, and college in 2009. In addition, while the art center was converted to become cinema, the school and the housing in the top still similar in the both years. Moreover, shopping area was built in 2009, to replace the residential area in the previous nine years.

Next, we are going to the southeast of the river. It can be seen that residential area was disappeared in 2009 to broaden the Industrial complex. In contrast, the size of the water area was narrowed since the lake was changed solely into the pond.




faizunaa17   
Dec 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / Jakarta's Governor Was Questioned for Hours by Police as Part of a Blasphemy Probe [2]

Hello Yurike,

answered 27 questions which repetitive IS REPEATING / REPEATS / IS REPETITIVE of the previous (...) from Indonesian'S police because his ...

1. WHICH + VERB 1 / WHICH + BE + VERB ing / WHICH + BE + ADJECTIVE. Yurike, you must remember this rule !

2. Indonesian'S Police ---> Police that refer to indonesia / owned by Indonesia

that the position of leadership LEADER in Indonesia

3. ... bring in different meaning (because there are many position, such as manager, mayor, president, and it make the reader confused).

mustn'tMUST NOT always from THE Muslims although ...

4. AVOID TO ABBREVIATE LIKE THIS : mustn't, don't , won't ----> is not formal in academic writing.

but 200,0002,000,000 Muslims protested (...) of Jakarta on AT 4th NovemberNOVEMBER 4TH, 2016

5. Yurike, actually is two million, the TIME IS LYER, wkwkwk (don't obey this suggestion)

6. AT / IN / ON ---> try to study about these words' usage

7. Write date like the English Rule !
faizunaa17   
Dec 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / A process of generating electricity by using wave energy is portrayed through two illustration [2]

IELTS TASK 1 - WAVE GENERATOR

A process of generating electricity by using wave energy is portrayed through two illustrations. Overall, there are two distinct conditions, while the first one is when the water fulfill the chamber, and the second one is contrasting with the previous condition that is depicted by exiting the wave from the chamber.

To begin with, we can see that the immense volume of the sea-water that fill the space, hit the cliff or sea wall. Then, it makes the airflow is going out from the column. After that, the turbine twist, and it causes the electricity can be produced.

Next, this is the condition when the direction of the wave is going to the opposite. It leads large space inside the chamber. As a result of that, air from the outside enters the column, and spins the turbine in the same direction. Finally, it creates the electric as an output, just like before. (152 WORDS)




faizunaa17   
Dec 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / You can't Hide from Government Hacking [2]

Recently, US Department of Justice had established law enforcement that can hack our computer no matter where you are. They think this is very essential, while the privacy advocates say this too much power. This decision make them to be able to plant hacking software on a computer that is disgusting its location. They have a tool prosecutor to use for identifying suspects in financial crimes and child porn cases, who typically use tools to hide their computers' IP addresses.

Because of that, government decision still become pro and contra. Yes, it is true that can boost the power of surveillance, even make the country safer. Unfortunately, plant software on computers is too severe for each human privacy rights. As Andrew Crocker, a staff attorney at the privacy-oriented Electronic Frontier Foundation, said that this rules is more than procedural, even more authorized than before. Until now, some judgers still refuse to approve it, because it too powerful for government in someone privacy area.

Unfortunately, the US government was already hacking US citizens. They argue that it is actually part of investigation in the criminal accidents. According to Crocker, government has been hacking regular people's computer for at least 15 years. There investigated sites visitors related to child pornography. It is actually good, but sometimes they also hack for people that actually not act as bad guys. They argue it is because too hard or nearly to impossible to select one by one, and more easy to spread the hacking tool software randomly.
faizunaa17   
Dec 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / iPhone 8 Dreaming in Full Swing; ten years' anniversary [3]

There are some rumors that to celebrate iPhone's ten years' anniversary, there are a drastic innovation in iPhone 7 in 2017. This is chance for the companies to increase the number of iPhone that will be sold. For the recent iPhone, that demand actually still peaked, but it not obstructs Apple to make continuous improvement, especially when iPhones has one decades' anniversary.

In their long-term vision, iPhone will make whizbang splash that is proven by their materials of the body. It will be created by using block of glass and aluminum with few buttons, bumps, and holes. They also will take a step forward by adding OLED display that occupy most of the front of phone, even all of it by wrapping over its sides.

Moreover, the screen will be curved with an edge-to-edge screen. Surprisingly, the fingerprint technology is also added in that screen, so both the design and the authentication really developed. Furthermore, their body will be made from glass that enable it to do wireless charging.

So, with this kind of development, there are many rumors that mentioned this kind of developments are too much for iPhone 7, so it may for iPhone 8. As Kevin Krewel said, he suggested to apple for immediately launch the iPhone 8, to keep their position in the marketplaces
faizunaa17   
Dec 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task II about someone take a job in a gap time [5]

although work atIN THE gap time between after graduated from secondary school and universityGRADUATION TIME AND UNIVERSITY ENROLLMENT has certain advantages, the negative impacts more give effect GIVE MORE EFFECT to the adolescent.

1. Dioba, please study again about the different of usage : IN, AT, ON . Because it really different. At usually use for the time that really detail.

2. between + after ---> I don't know, but i think this kind of form is inappropriate, and inconvenient to hear.

3. more give effect ---> give more effect ---> make the correct sequence of your word.

Good luck broh
faizunaa17   
Dec 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / The wind turbine with its components and best locations to generate electricity effectively [3]

... type of devices which beARE operated as wind turbine (need comma here) and the location where it can be applicatedAPPLIED in the environment

1. BE ---> ARE. use kind of be : are

2. before and, it should be added comma if the information / structure of the sentence is not balance

3. applicated ---> not found in english dictionary . APPLIED ---> THE CORRECT ONE

verall, the wind turbine has the same design in many (...) also this device has the same natural resource, ...

4. REPETITION : YOU CAN CHANGE LIKE THAT :
Overall, the wind turbine has the same design in many locations, such as in the sea, lower mainland, or high place. Moreover, that devices are similar in the kind of resource that is utilized for switching on it, by using wind as the natural source.
faizunaa17   
Dec 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / (Summary Article) Only Rich Kids Should Go to College [3]

Hello Alvin, we meet again, waw, it was so amazing that you create new account, i hope it don't because your previous account was suspended right ? hehe.

What isWHY only wealthy kids can ...

1. You place inappropriate kind of question. What is ? or Why ? It has different meaning. I think based on your TED it explain the reason, so you must place "Why"

if you must borrow money to pay for collegechoose to work than take ...

PAY : VERB
FOR : Linking Word
COLLEGE : NOUN

CHOOSE : VERB
TO : LINKING
WORK : NOUN

2. You cannot make the sentence just like that. Bad Structure.
faizunaa17   
Dec 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / The time when young people finished their school and before take a lecture in the college [5]

Hello Yurike...

... time to take a jobin the adolescence. Although there are some advantages to working in (...) that many disadvantages too. The advantages are the enrich work (...), meanwhile, the disadvantages .

TASK:
Some suggest

1. In the question, there is word "some suggest" . But, in your introduction I can't find any paraphrasing of this. maybe "one of the people's opinion / some argue" or the others. Because it is actually someone's argument, so you must enter it in your introduction.

2. RED : what is your meaning of in the adolescence ? "di masa kecil ? " Please avoid to be likely directly translate from Indonesia. Make sure it's appropriate when it's used in English

3. advantages - disadvantages : repetition ------------> pros and cons / positive and negatives / benefit and drawbacks / good and bad / great and worst /
faizunaa17   
Nov 30, 2016
Writing Feedback / Companies have made their own standard for recruiting employees. [4]

Hello Nuraini, I have some suggestion for you

Nowadays, companies have made their own ...
... that those companies should take people ...
... can help companies in certain condition

Some pressures in worksite

You see in your first paragraph you do repetition for the world 'COMPANIES'.
There are some synonym that can be used for replacing company:

INDUSTRY / ENTERPRISES / CORPORATION / FIRM are likely to be used in your passage

Meanwhile, others believe that PEOPLE WHO / SOMEONE WHO(subject is needed here) able to work in a team ...
You miss the subject

both of criterion have to beMUST BE had by employees

Try to make it more effective.

Some pressures in worksiteWORKPLACE make the employees

Worksite ---> I can't find it in Cambridge. maybe you mean workplace (C1) word !!!

REPETITION : EMPLOYEES : 7 TIMES

I count your word "employees" and you make repetition until 7 times. Please AVOID this !
You can change with synonym :

OCCUPANTS / WORKERS / LABOUR

... not enough for developing aTHE business

I believe that when aTHE company get larger

You are already mentioned before, so business is refer to your industry, use "THE" as the article.
faizunaa17   
Nov 30, 2016
Writing Feedback / TASK 2 - INNOVATIVE & INDEPENDENT WORKERS vs TEAM WORK & INSTRUCTIONAL EMPLOYER [2]

SOME PEOPLE THINK WHEN RECRUITING, COMPANIES SHOULD AIM TO TAKE ON PEOPLE WHO ARE INNOVATIVE AND ABLE TO WORK INDEPENDENTLY WHILE OTHERS CONSIDERED THEY SHOULD RECRUIT PEOPLE WHO ARE ABLE TO WORK IN A TEAM AND FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS. DISCUSS BOTH VIEWS AND GIVE YOUR OPINION.

There are numerous considerations of the companies when recruiting new occupants. While some of them prefer to select people who are innovative and able to do task alone, the others more keen on the worker that have skillful teamwork even like to work based on the instructions. In my opinion both characteristics are utterly needed by the enterprises, because they have much job task that some of it solely can be done by someone who have special skills.

To begin with Innovative and Independently employers, these advantages are ultimately suitable for position at Research and Development Department. As we know that these days, competition in business field is really though, so the industries should be able to create a sustainable development. It will be easily to realize that, if the companies have workers that has enormous creativity even can work lonely, and because of that, they should be recruited by the Human Resource Department to fulfill the company's need.

However, there are some positions that only need people who always follow the instruction and have ability to work with their peers. They are usually extremely great for fulfilling some positions in the company such as technical or field workers. For instance, in oil industries, when they try to find new source of fossil fuel, people with good teamwork will really helpful for searching it, because they have strength to cooperate with their peers based on their boss' instructions.

In conclusion, companies are suggested to employ plenty occupants that have distinct capabilities and personalities, because every divisions have its own requirements. Moreover, if each of speciality can be combined by the CEO of the enterprises, I completely believe that it will boost the performance of the industry, also increase their margin significantly.
faizunaa17   
Nov 30, 2016
Writing Feedback / When people try their best with determination, it would be easier for them to become successful [3]

Hello ifra,

... to reach the goal is hard work and determination. However, others argue that there is another factor behind the success

Your background seems to less paraphrase the question. To paraphrase it I suggest to you :

1. Change the sentence into passive forms:

Hard work and determination are believed by some people ...

2. Then, Try to find the synonym:

Tough effort and resolution are believed by some ...

... key to success while , SO an obvious schedule board ...

3. While is used usually for contradiction. However in your sentence is not kind of contradiction, because you add some details, so you can change into above words.
faizunaa17   
Nov 30, 2016
Writing Feedback / People must give much effort to success besides our pray to the God for getting a successful life. [2]

Hello Miss Dioba :p, this just little suggestion for you:

while others think only hard work and trying hard are reasons for achieving a desire

You see that these blue word mean REPETITION. I suggest to you to change it into the synonym of hard : like this:

while others think only hard work and SERIOUSLY TRYING / TRYING TAXING / are reasons for achieving a desire

... people must give much effort (...) for giving a successful life.

It is kind of repetition again although different form of verb. Why you don't change the second word with GETTING ? It looks like better.

to continue his study in Hiroshima University (need comma here) Japan

made my lecture promoted him to Japan government

double verb 2. made ---> v2 + my lecture ---> noun + promoted ---> v2 again.

In Cambridge Dictionary if you search "make" there is an example that it must be form like that :
made my lecture promotes / made my lecture promoting / made my lecture to promote
faizunaa17   
Nov 30, 2016
Writing Feedback / A number of aspects are able to contribute in people's success. [4]

Mardian, this is a little suggestion for you.

... efforts that they have and have full of spirit which ...

You make repetition there. It is not good in my opinion. Why you don't change like this:

... that they have and FULFILL THEIR MIND WITH spirit which will push ...

he had tremendouslyTREMENDOUS power to fight their ...

tremendously ---> adverb
tremendous ---> adjective

placing adjective before noun is more appropriate
faizunaa17   
Nov 30, 2016
Writing Feedback / There are several views of people on achieving the best results. [2]

Hello sep, well writing n_n and I must study to your style how to simplify the essay into a small number of words (not like me that always more 300 even 500 words T_T ) . Just a little suggestion for you

Furthermore, the growing number reveals over the period reveals that these factors ...

In my opinion, albeit word "reveal" has B2 and C2 class in Cambridge, but you cannot place it in one sequence like that, because it kind of REPETITION. You can change to the other word such as illustrates / displays / shows / depicts or the other to avoid repetition.

Well, Good writing, and I hope can follow your simple style n_n
faizunaa17   
Nov 30, 2016
Writing Feedback / Article Summary : Jayapura Residents struggle with recurrent blackouts [3]

Hello nda, this is some advice from me:

Since November 2016, the capital city of Papua, Jayapura,Jayapura, the capital city of Papua, has experienced (...) because they only SOLELY had electricity storage ...

1. In general, if you read many essay or article in English, you must mention the information before add some details that support your main information.

Jayapura ---> the main information
the capital city of Papua ---> details.

2. Only ----> A1 Word (too common). So, i recommend to change into "Solely" (uncommon) ---> C1 words to boost your IELTS Score.

Keep hard work !
faizunaa17   
Nov 30, 2016
Writing Feedback / To become successful in life, hard work and fighting spirit are the keys for that [2]

Some people think that hard work and determination are the keys to success in life. Some, on the other hand, think that there are other factors behind a successful life. Give your opinion

There is an argument that says to become success in life, hard work and fighting spirit are the keys of that. On the other side, another opinion mentions that there are other factors that can support someone to be more success. In my view, it is important for people to keep hard work, whether there are many factors that also influence their future achievement such as quotient, surroundings, even just luck.

As we already know that Einstein ever said in the past time that "The keys to be successful are determined by solely 1% Quotient, and 99% hard work. This statement actually true because it had already been proven in the real life. For instance, in the past time, the economics of China was below America, but these days, there is a fact that Chinese people have strong characteristic even well-known as the workhorse. As a result of their effort, China is able to defeat the United States of America in many business sectors.

However, I think it is unable to reach the peak just only with powerful endeavor because there are many factors that also have great impact. First of all, is about quotient. We cannot lie that Intellectual Quotient is one of the foremost factor to make our way easier. For example, while people that have low IQ need to study hard for preparing exam, they, who have tremendous IQ just need a little preparation to memorize the materials. Secondly, is their surroundings. Good friends even neighborhood also have enormous effect that affect our future, so we must selective to decide where we should stay, what kind of people that become our closely partner, even the personality of our mates. It is because there was a research that was conducted by many psychologists that said "if people routinely gather with others that are already success, their positive energy will spread inside their mind, so the possibility to become success is increasing". Third, is just luck. It is clear that this factor is likely unimportant, but sometimes luckiness able to decide the final result of our work, so we must pray to our God as much as we can.

All in all, albeit determination and hard work are the keys to become success, but there are still have other factors that look like have less impact, but sometimes there are able to specify the final result of our challenging struggle.
faizunaa17   
Nov 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / (Summary article) Moana made an estimated $81.1 million during the five-day holiday tally [2]

During 5 days (NEED COMMA HERE) Moana, movies from Disney which IS estimated get revenue approximately $81.1 million

,,,,,, THEN WHAT IS THE REST OF THE SENTENCE ? YOU USE 'WHICH' THAT MEANS IT MUST CONTAIN MORE THAN ONE CLAUSE

1. After time signals don't forget add comma

2. WHICH + IS + ESTIMATED -------> PASSIVE FORM

GENERAL SUGGESTION:

PLEASE MAKE SUMMARY LONGER. GOOD SUMMARY MUST CONTAIN :
1. INTRODUCTION
2. BODY
3. CONCLUSION

AND I CAN'T FOUND IT IN YOUR ESSAY THAT STATES CLEARLY.!!!
faizunaa17   
Nov 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / Increasing people's awareness that foreign languages are the window to the world [2]

Some experts believe that it is better for children to begin learning a foreign language at primary school rather than secondary school. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

Many tremendous global challenges, though worldwide competition, even the increasing of people's awareness that foreign languages are the window of the world, make many primary schools adding this disciplines into their curriculum. Their decision is emphasized by many experts that is really recommended for children to start learning non-mother tongue languages since they at primary schools rather than secondary schools. In fact, there are some drawbacks such as too early for them to study it even will be reducing their playing time. Meanwhile, that negative effects are not becoming enormous problem since joyful activities are used in the learning process. Moreover, if the students practice that language in very young age it will help them in the future and for interacting with other people around the world.

It is true that maybe if the pupils learn it too early, it will make them stressful as consequence of highly pressure. Moreover, their time for playing will reduce significantly because there are too many subjects that must be learnt by them. To contrasting these views, it is totally wrong if people say like that. It is because learning foreign language can be done by using fun methods such as singing, playing games, watching movie, create mini drama, and others. For instance, when I still studied at primary school, I was very excited with English and Arabic languages that were taught throughout singing together. We memorized many words just in one songs. Sometimes we also did a conversation practice with our classmates, even creating mini theatre that was played by some groups in my class. So, my past experience is proven that learning foreign languages can be easily done throughout fun methods.

The other facts that actually become evidence that the positive outweigh the negative side, are foreign language is good for pupil's future and it also will help them to socialize with non-local people. The first one is for their mature career. AS we know that nowadays, enterprises have high preference for selecting their employer that has ability to speak more than one language. So, if people already learn since their adolescence time, it will extremely help them to get better job also high salary. Secondly, foreign languages will be make us to easily make a friend with other countries' residents. As a result, it will make our social networking becoming wider. It will help us when travelling abroad. Taken example of that, when in 2015, I was elected to become International participant in a conference in Thailand. I just needed to call my friends from Thailand for providing me suitable accommodation but inexpensive. This occurrence could occur because of my encouragement to study English when I was at primary school.

To sum up, if we compared the pros and cons of both aspects, beginning to study foreign language at primary school will cause us to be ready for facing our future even will be make our worldwide friendship wider than before. So, it is prove that the advantages are more than the disadvantages.
faizunaa17   
Nov 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / Most people in their productive ages is invited to make the development in the community system [2]

... communities to make the developments 8000]DEVELOPMENT[/b] in the community system

1. DEVELOPMENT ---> UNCOUNTABLE, so without "s"

... get paid if the type of organisationORGANIZATION is non-profit

2. ORGANI"Z"ATION
You make typo there

For example, start-up charityevent provides the space for others to give some money to others

3. What "other" refers to ?
(Start up charityevent meneyediakan ruang untuk lainnya untuk memberikan uang untuk lainnnya ?????? )

It will make sense if people behind get the salary of their work.

4. What your mean "people behind" orang dibelakang? Remember ! You can't directly translate as like as Indonesia. Maybe you can change "people in the back of stage" or "back of the display" ---> dibelakang layar.
faizunaa17   
Nov 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / Different priority of expenditures in the United States, Canada, the United Kingdom, and Japan [2]

Overall, it can be seen that housing was the highest percentage ...
Mardian, I think you can emphasize your overview with add another general fact. For instance, if you see in clothing, the difference between each country is the smallest among all. You can add this to the overview. Or maybe you have other views in the bar chart.

To begin with, the percentage of expenditures had different values.

What is the meaning of that ? Maybe you can add some details like ; had "big" different value. I think all percentage had different value. Please make the writer dont' confuse with the sentence. If you translate it into indonesia: "untuk memulai, persentase dari pengeluaran memiliki nilai yang beda" ?????

Stick to the English please
faizunaa17   
Nov 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / MANY EDUCATIONAL METHODS to create different alternatives suitable for children. [2]

Some people believe that teaching children at home is best for a child's development while others think that it is important for children to go to school. Discuss the advantages of both methods and give your own opinion.

Nowadays, many educational methods have already established by some expertise to create many alternatives that suitable for children. In general, there are two main methods that is often used by people. First, is self-teaching by parents in their own home, second is entering pupils into school. Both methods are believed by some people will make children develop well. In my opinion, it is better if the parents combine those two methods because when in the home, their parents already know well about their own children even the pupils can learn more intensive and convenient. In addition, when they go to the school, they can socialize with his friends also get lesson based on the newest curriculum.

To begin with, home-based education is one of the best methods to educate child. This is because people who take a responsibility for teaching that children are the parents. They already know what is the personality and the passionate, even their own children's potential. So, pupils can be more developed when they study appropriate with their want. Another reason that also become the advantages is because of convenient and intensive factors. For instance, in the home, we usually cannot see something that can disturb our learning process.

Meanwhile, school offers other benefits that cannot be got in the home. The most influential one is about friendship. As we know when the children enroll to the school, they will see many pupils like them and make a friend with others. It is extremely boosting their Social Quotient even their emotional aspects. Furthermore, their problem solving and communication skills will be more developed. Another positive side is the children will learn materials based on curriculum that is really structured. They can also get many disciplines that cannot be learnt in their own-home. Moreover, state-officials, especially Ministry of Education usually publishes the newest curriculum that is formed throughout comprehensive research that is used as the standardization of the school, so the students can study more effective.

All in all, both method have ultimately different advantages that actually cannot be separated. So, the best way for creating high quality child is by combining them.
faizunaa17   
Nov 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / Children are facing the tension in many life aspects, such as academic, social, and commercial. [3]

... children are facing the pressure in many ...

1. "the" is refer to something that you already mentioned before. You don't mention any pressure before so avoid to use that.

Reducing the pressures isARE needed to ...

2. PRESSURES (PLURAL) + ARE (PLURAL)

... have to study (COMMA) so that they ...

3. add comma before linking words

Taking a THE parenting education and ...

4. use "the" because you already mention parenting education before
faizunaa17   
Nov 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / STUDENT COMPETENCY TEST: male pupils turned out to be better in Geography than girls? [3]

... passed by pupils according to compulsorySUBJECTS and their gender during THEacademic year ...

1. COMPULSORY : adjective : meaning : important because it's law. So what is your mean there ?

2. add the because it refer to the graph

Overall, male students had percentage of passing exam higher than female only in Geography ...

3. What is the highest value? I think it is greater to complete your overview with "highest amount"
faizunaa17   
Nov 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / US witnessed the highest proportion in housing while the lowest proportion was UK in the health care [3]

... different countries in 2009 is shown inBY USING the bar chart.

1. I suggest in to reduce repetition of "IN" in the sentence.

A comparison of proportion of shares [...] in health care sector.

2. You can emphasize your introduction with adding another overview. For instance in clothing, the percentage of all countries almost same / the gap between countries is smallest in comparison with others.

... needs of human life, housing was the highest proportion in all countries except Japan, ...
In contrast, Canada was the highest proportion in clothing demand at 7% ...

3. REPETITION: maybe in the second sentence you can change it into passive forms :
In contrast, the highest proportion in clothing was depicted by Canada at 7%

Another sector, Food experienced AT 22% in Japan while Canada was lower BY7% than Japan.

4. Don't forget to add "AT" or "BY" before the number.
faizunaa17   
Nov 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / Recently, youth movement has developed significantly, especially throughout voluntary activities [3]

Adult youths are often called up for working for the development of communities. Do you think they should work voluntarily or should they get paid? Give your opinion

In the recent decades, youth movement has developed significantly, especially throughout voluntary activities. As a result of that, there are many communities that require large amount of human resources, so they usually hold open recruitment for finding volunteers. It is common that people that join into communities are not paid, and I argue that it is greater rather than they work for money purposes.

As already we know together, social communities have the primary goal for helping many people such as poverty, juvenile delinquencies, street children, orphanage, and others. So, most of their funding are used to reach their aim, not for their volunteer. It will bring negative effects to the volunteers if they are already promised to get salary of their work. They become less sincere, even it can reduce the money that actually must be donated for the other people. For instance, volunteer will be happy if they can get money from their work, but when the donation decreases, the amount of money that they get usually drops too, and it can influence their performance in that organizations.

In contrast, if the adult youths that work in voluntary mission is already told that they will not get any paid, we can see their real sincerity. They are usually more militant and have pure purpose to develop their own community. As a result, the community's donation will be more enormous because all of the money is given to the people albeit it is maybe still used for volunteers' need such as meals, drinks, even their uniform, but it is greater than if they still must be paid. Moreover, their ultimately high sincerity will bring much happiness even have the greatest value in the god's eyes. Although that, it is good if maybe the money is still given for one of them that has the best working performance for appreciating purpose, and to motivate the others for serving the best work.

To conclude that, people who work for the development of organizations should not be paid, because they occupy based on their sincerity and their kindness, so it will reduce the communities' spending and make it to be more developed.
faizunaa17   
Nov 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / Here's depicted a breakdown of expenditures' usage in some of countries of three continents in 2009 [2]

The bar chart below shows shares of expenditures for five major categories in the United States, Canada, the United Kingdom, and Japan in the year 2009

A breakdown of expenditures' usage in some of countries of three continents in 2009 is depicted by using bar graph. Overall, housing had the most enormous average in four countries and also contained United States who had the greatest value among all. Meanwhile, Health placed as the smallest grade among all, even had the United Kingdom that had the tiniest percentage. In addition, clothing's spending was almost same in four countries.

It is clear that all countries' inhabitants spent most of their salaries for their home. The United States positioned as the top among all at more than 25%. It was followed by the United Kingdom, Japan, and Canada, and each of them still hit more than 20%. Then, Japan became the largest state that used their money for meals. It was shown by the percentage at about 23%, while the United States that had the biggest percentage before, placed as the lowest in food at just below 15%.

Next, transportation had the highest value in Canada at 20% while the lowest was Japan at half of it. In the last position, it was placed by health care and clothing. Each of them had different country who placed as the largest. While the first one was placed by the United States at about 7%, the second one was positioned by Japan at lower by 1% compared with before. It also can be seen that people that spent their money for clothing almost same that was proven by the small different between all countries that no more than 3% respectively.




faizunaa17   
Nov 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / Pupils are pressed by their surroundings like academic circle even for commercial purposes [3]

"Children are facing more pressures nowadays from academic, social and commercial perspectives. What are the causes of these pressures and what measures should be taken to reduce these pressures?

Nowadays, pupils have pressed by their surroundings such as their academic circle, social society, even for commercial purposes. In my opinion it is extremely harmful for them because it will create worst childhood memory. There are two main reasons that cause their highly pressures. The first one is come from their inner circle: high parents' expectation, and the second one is from external surrounding: facing global challenge. So, to reduce that, children should be developed based on their passions, and also growing their sense of awareness.

First of all, as a result of worldwide competitions, parents' expectation for today's pupils is increasing significantly rather than in the past time. Taken an example of that, today, both father and mother are decided to take their children in early education system such as play group even train them with many lessons like basic mathematics, logical test, and others. Moreover, they usually restrict their children to socialize with their environment and make them to keep stay at home to study. Secondly is caused by global challenge. Because of the raise of world's inhabitants, it brings effect that many young people become unemployment, so the children are pressed from early age to prepare their bright future. They know that their own future careers will have though competition, so the best way to prepare it, is making pressure in academic as their "daily food".

Unfortunately, it usually causes enormous stressful in their mind, so here it is some solutions to break that problem. First, their parents must know their pupils' passionate. It is because if the children are pressed by the parents, but it their own passion, they will be happy to do it. For instance, if the children keen on drawing, then the parents give many exercises of that, they will not feel pressured. Second, it is extremely great if the children already have awareness why they should be pressured, so their teachers, friends, also parents must grow and give clear explanation about the future condition. If the pupils already aware, they will have strong motivation from their mind, even do not feel any pressures because they already know why they must do it.

All in all, parents' expectation and global challenge, that become the primary reasons for people that press the children are not becoming big problems since the children do it based on their passion and already have tremendous sense of awareness.
faizunaa17   
Nov 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / A comparison of the amount of High School Students who reach minimum grade to pass competency exams [3]

The bar chart below shows the percentage of students who passed their high school competency exams, by subject and gender, during the period 2010-2011.

A comparison of the amount of High School Students who reach minimum grade to pass competency exams that is divided based on subjects and gender in 2010-2011 is depicted by using bar graph. Overall, while the girls who passed computer science exam had the most enormous percentage, a smallest value was shown by the boys who took chemistry test. It also can be seen that Chemistry had the highest difference between girls and boys. Otherwise, foreign languages were almost same in both sexes.

To begin with, started with the most tremendous value that was displayed by computer science in girls' sector that hit 56.3%, while the boys located at 42.1%. Then, it was followed by two subjects that only had less than 1% difference in their gender: foreign languages and mathematics respectively. Both girls in those subjects had larger percentage than boys, while the girls in mathematics had 49.2%, the boys were only 0.8% lower than it. Furthermore, foreign languages had solely 0.6% different that was proven by boys at 46.8% and the girls had higher value at 47.4%.

Next, physics and history had difference less than 3% both girls and boys. Moreover, geography became the only one who had the higher percentage in boys, in comparison with others. In addition, both had different more than 10% that is illustrated by boys at 30.4% and the girls were smaller by 10.3%. Last, chemistry had solely 14.1% in boys while the girls were more than two times.




faizunaa17   
Nov 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / There are many things which could be changed in my university; TOEFL independent writing [4]

There are many thingsREASONS/ CAUSES/ ASPECTS which could be changed in my university like libraries, desks, some teachers, AND labs

1. AVOID USE "THING" in academic or formal writing, because it is informal.

2. don't forget to add 'AND' in the last sequence.

First of all, students come TO universities to learn ...

3. come + TO + universities.

Place is THE most important thingREASONS/ CAUSES/ ASPECTS to study. it IT should be quiet, peaceful, AND comfortable.

4. MOST IMPORTANT ---> SUPERLATIVE. So, you must add "THE" before superlative ---> THE GREATEST, THE LOWEST, THE MOST ENORMOUS, etc

5. same with number 1

6. You must add LINKING WORD to connect your sentence, otherwise separate it into two sentences.

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