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Posts by faizunaa17 [Suspended]
Name: Mushonnifun Faiz Sugihartanto
Joined: Sep 14, 2016		 Last Post: Jan 8, 2017
Threads: 49
Posts: 91  
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From: Indonesia
School: ITS Surabaya

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faizunaa17   
Sep 14, 2016
Writing Feedback / The result of adult education survey - Cambridge 1 Practice 1 - Correct if Found Some Wrong [2]

These two charts display the result of adult education survey. The bar chart is related to the motive of grown-up people to study while the pie chart shows how the cost of each course should be shared.

Overall, the main reason for deciding study are based on their interest and to get qualifications. It is clear that Individual become the highest object that get the shared cost.

Based on the first bar chart, about 40% people decide to study because they love the subject. It is slight different with another reason like getting qualification which has 38 percentage. Otherwise, only 9% of people select the course just for meet their friends.

If we look at the second pie chart, there are three categories of shared cost. The highest one is Individual that have approximately 40% of cost. In the second position there is employer that has 35%, and the smallest is Taxpayer which is only 25%.




faizunaa17   
Oct 25, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 - SCHOOL AND PARENTS ROLE FOR KEEPING CHILDREN HEALTH - CAMBRIDGE BOOK 5.5 - 6.5 PAGE 2 [5]

Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both schools and parents are responsible for solving this problem. To what extent do you agree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Nowadays, many pupils become careless for keeping fit their own body. This is shown by some statistics that displays the increasing number of children that have diseases. As a result, I agree that it is important for schools and parents to care with this problem.

There are two main factors that usually makes children have unwell condition. First is their food consumption. On one hand, they like to spend their money for trying such as a tasty food without look at the hygiene, cleanness, and ingredients aspect. To solve that, schools and parents must work together. While the father and mother give pupils advice in the home, the teacher should control it when they at school, for not buying food anywhere. For instance, some food that usually sold outside the school is dirty, even though they still buy it. So, teachers must keep eye to them. If the students obey the advice and the teacher not care, they will get disease too.

Secondly is the sport habit. It is very important because the development of technology make people doing only a few exercises and feel harm in their muscle. This problem not only occur in the older generation, but also in many children, proven with a lot of children already have smart phone that make all time of their day busy. For example, although school usually already have sport lesson every week, but it is not enough to control it alone without any help from parents, because children spend many time in home. In Sunday or when holiday, father and mother can ask to their children for accompanying them jogging, playing badminton, or the other sport.

All in all, both school and parents have the similar degree of responsibilities to take care children health. In addition, it is better if parents and schools build intensive communication especially for children's health. So, they will help each other for avoiding pupils from unhealthy lifestyle.
faizunaa17   
Oct 25, 2016
Writing Feedback / Today, there are many pupils that do not know how to live healthily. [3]

... the ones who have a responsibilityto overcome this problem.
... as the part of their responsibility for the next generation.

REPETITION IDEA

You can change responsibility into awareness, duty, or other.

Overall, I agree that giving the children education of healthy lifestyle[font#00lifestyle education for the children the childrenshould be given ...

... young generation has amany bad lifestyle , especially in health lifestyle.

You must use many not "a" because "a" is refer to only one, but you give the next word, "especially" , so it must more than one.

Lifestyle ---> REPETITION. You can erase the lifestyle word in the second sentence. So it become : especially in health. That's enough i think.
faizunaa17   
Oct 25, 2016
Writing Feedback / Many pupils life is far from healthy. Who's responsible, what's the solution? [4]

Over time, the most younginfants / pupils have several activities every day

Many youngchildren / pupils/ teenager / teen need responsibility from ...

Young is kind of adjectiveit is not noun. So, you can't place it there.

... and schools can help youngyoung people / other words that already i given before

ButBecausechildren can manage themselves ...

But is refer to contradict your previous sentence. The sentence looks like not contradict, so you it kind of strength your idea.

This causeis caused by many activities that ...

Remember ! passive form
faizunaa17   
Oct 25, 2016
Writing Feedback / Writing Task 2 Children's Unhealth Lifestyle and Parents/Schools responsibility [3]

Nowadays, many children under five yearyears old are experiencehave many experience lifestyle which is not ...

five years ---> plural

are experience lifestyle ---> are + noun .---> adalah pengalaman hidup . ---> WRONG
have many experience lifestyle ---> memiliki banyak pengalaman gaya hidup ---> CORRECT

There are some people that say that kindergartenand parents have ...

Well, i think if school paraphrase into kindergarten, is too specific because schools have a lot of meaning. It's better you don't paraphrase it, because if we talk about children it's not refer to kindergarten student

I totally agree that parents and schools have responsibilities to ...
For example, when they consume unhealthy ...

Is word "they" refer to "parents and schools"? Be careful with pronoun using !

... parents and teachers are the role modemodel for their children with theytheirhave a job to improve the capability of kids.

what is the relationship between improving capability (mengembangkan kemampuan) and health ?

And also Teachers also can give some advise or ...

It's recommended to not put "and" in the beginning of sentence because it is informal.

... parents and teachers that have not given what is should be children accepted by both

what's the meaning of that ? I can't translate it and confused about it. "banyak orang tua dan guru yang tidak diberikan apa yang harus murid disetujui oleh mereka ???

maybe like that : there are many parents and teachers that do not know what should they do to make sure their children for accepting their advice.

*banyak orang tua dan guru yang tidak tahu apa yang harus mereka lakukan untuk membuat yakin anak-anak untuk menerima nasihat mereka.*

... and less time to choosingchoose their meals, so theytheir kids just accept the food ...

to infinitive form ---> to + choose (must Verb 1)

Well i didn't finish to correct the last two paragraph, so you can ask another friends. Or maybe people who give the comment please correct the last two paragraph.

Good Luck Ba'da. You should study about grammar well.
faizunaa17   
Oct 25, 2016
Writing Feedback / The figure displays kinds of problems that are faced by people when they stay overseas [2]

The figure displays kinds of problems that is faced by people when they stay overseas which is illustrated by using bar charts according to the age. Overall, while the middle-age has the highest percentage in each problem, searching education course for pupil is the less-problem compared with others.

The greatest problem for people aged 35-54 is about health with approximately 37 percent while it also becomes the biggest value in all. However, this problem has a tiny different both in 18-34 and over 55, each of them 32 and 28 respectively.

Financial planning is the second biggest problem both in 35-54 years old and the oldest age with 35 percent and 28% each. In contrast, it becomes the largest problem in the youngest with 33 percent.

In addition, finding schools for the children becomes the smallest problem in every group of ages. People over 55 has the lowest value with only 3 percent, while middle-age has 18 percent and 18-34 years old has 7 percent.




faizunaa17   
Oct 26, 2016
Writing Feedback / Mostly famous people such as entertainment workers and sport athletes dominate in news [2]

He famousFamouspeople such as entertainment workers entertainer and sport ...
... know other side of livelife that need more ...
I totally agree that inhabitant peopleinfamous people is necessary to be blewblown up.

Well ba'da, i have some corrections for you.

1. He + Famous ---> Pronoun + Adjective ???? It can't be like that. It must Subject/Pronoun + Verb.
2. Entertainment workers : I think it has very wide meaning. It can means the cameraman, reporter, etc. So, i recommend to change into entertainer that have closer meaning to an artist.

3. Live : tinggal // Life : Kehidupan. So, what's the most appropriate?
4. inhabitant people : Inhabitants already means people, so why you write it together?
5. blow --> blew ---> blown. For negative, use Verb 3

Those condition very essential because it refer to ...

6. Because + subject / pronoun + verb ===> Because it refer

If, the ordinary people don't be reported, it may can increase ...
However, although general people important ...

7. it may can ---> subject + may + can + verb
8. However, although ---> Refer to contradict, because you have two sentence that combine into one sentence. So, you must add although *let's translate it to make easier to understand :

Namun demikian, orang biasa penting, untuk diketahui, ada sektor lain yang penting seperti aktor

BANDINGKAN!

Namun demikian, walaupun orang biasa penting untuk diketahui, ada sektor lain yang penting seperti aktor.

However, general people important to be known, there are other sectors that also important such as actors. (LAST SENTENCE 3RD PARAGRAPH)

On the other hand, there are advantage sidemany advantages of news about artists. (FIRST SENTENCE FOURTH PARAGRAPH)

9. Repetition. You have the same aim for those sentence. I recommend for erasing the last sentence in 3rd paragraph.

10. advantage side ---> Noun + Noun . It's wrong. Side must be followed by adjective such as : Positive sides, negative sides, etc. Advantages already have meaning positive side, so, you not allowed to combine advantage side.

... they may become a role modemodel for the citizens, because ...

11. model not mode
For example, the actor can attractattracts many people by their talent.

12. actor ---> singular, must be followed by verb s ---> attracts

So if they safe cleankeep cleanness and aware to around areathe surroundings . The people will take action same same action like them.

13. If they...... ???? ---> Jika mereka menjaga kebersihan dan peduli sekitar ? terus maka apa ??? STICK TO THE ENGLISH PLEASE

14. safe clean ---> adjective + adjective ??? I recommend to change into keep cleanness ( Verb + noun)

15. around area ??? ---> it's true but unusual. So change into surroundings.

16. action same ??? ---> same action. It is reversed.
faizunaa17   
Oct 26, 2016
Writing Feedback / Statistics of first-year (English/Franch) tutors job some years ago [6]

..., from 75% to 40% in the three-first yearsthe first three years . In the next year , it rose slightly to 45% in 2005 . Andit reached bottomedbottom at 28 percent in 2007.

1. The first three years not the three first years
2. In the next year..... in 2005 ---> REPETITION. You already mention the next year in the beginning, then mention 2005.
3. Avoid to use "and" in the beginning because it is informal
4. It reached ---> It (Subject) + reached (verb)
5. bottomed ??? I don't see it in dictionary. Bottom ---> noun . Bottomed ???

After that, there was a significant increase ofto 69%
6. of : dari . to : ke

After that, it reached a peak in the end of theyear at 73 percent.
7. It + reached ---> Subject + Verb
8. the end year ---> end (noun) + year (noun) ???? add of the to separate it.

And in the end of the year, French teachers peaked, but the French teachers were opposite which bottomed below 30%.

9. What your mean there ? French naik then french opposite ????
faizunaa17   
Oct 26, 2016
Writing Feedback / The graph provides information regarding the recruitment number of English & French language tutors [3]

All in all, the percentage ...

1. Your overview is already good, but it is better if you add some information about the overall. For instance turning point in 2002 when English teacher more than French teacher.

... during 2001 to 2003 atfrom 70 percent to 68 percent.

2. at .... to .....from.... to....

. Based on the graph it can be seen that,

3. It can --> It (subject) + can + be + seen (verb)

there was grew up during ...

4. was (verb) grew up (verb) . If negative form ---> was grown up

English-Language teachers were felt down ...

5. Double verb again. kalau vErb 3 ---> felt down --> diturunkan ? Passive or Active ?

French-Language teachers were slight increaseincreased slightly event there was fluctuated

6. Passive or Active ? If it's active you make double verb. if negative i think it's not appropriate with the sentence.
faizunaa17   
Oct 26, 2016
Writing Feedback / News about ordinary people bring other people's attention for local problems [5]

In the present, technology has developed rapidly

1. Present but why you use perfect ? If you like to use perfect tense you must add time period. For example add for/since for something that happened in the past but it's connected to present (based on grammar ielts book)

Since the past time, technology has developed rapidly

which they want to seensee

2. To Infinitive ---> To + V1 ---> To see

they will not care fullcareful when visit a city.

3. you make typo. careful not care full.

4. it is important because we will aware of problems other peopleother people's problem

Well, actually i still confused about your idea Rezki, because it not arranged well. So, try to re-arranged it.
faizunaa17   
Oct 26, 2016
Writing Feedback / 13-year-old student in one school choose the study. [4]

The graph below shows information about the languages that 13-year-old student in one school choose the study.

The line chart displays the quantity of 13-year-old students that have taken Mandarin and French lesson in a school in England from 2000 to present. Overall, in the beginning French reached peak while Mandarin had lowest point. In addition, between 2000 and 2005, number of pupils who studied French increased significantly. In contrast, at the same period mandarin learner fell extremely. Besides, they looked like had more stable trend in the next following year.

It is clear that in 2000, only about 7 students that choose Mandarin as their subject and it had extra-large different with the French that have 150 learners. However, in 2005, while Mandarin raised sharply into almost ten times into about 70, French went down tremendously into near half of before at 85.

As we can see, in the next following year, from 2006 to present, both of them had fluctuated. But while French looked like moved slightly down, Mandarin had gone small upward.




faizunaa17   
Oct 26, 2016
Writing Feedback / Media Habits Today - celebrities became the role model for ordinary people [5]

The media pay too much attention to the lives and relationships of celebrities such as actors, singers, or footballers. They should spend more time reporting the lives of ordinary people instead.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Nowadays, prominent people not only act as the people who just singing and acting in the podium, but also become the role model of society. In response to that phenomenon, many mass-media use it as their opportunity to attract attention from many people. Media look like publish everything that occurred between celebrities to boost their ratings among watchers. Unfortunately, as a result of media ambitious project, they often forgot that there are many infamous people that have more inspiring story and not as popular as the artist. I tend to be agree if media give space to unwell-known people for showing their daily life.

First of all, actors still famous even though without too much exposing by media. There are still a lot of people that need media to help them reach the dream. For instance, today many children cannot continue their education because of the lack of money. They select to work in the early age for helping their parents fulfil their daily needs. Imagine if the media use their power to report in and spread it to all over the world, it will make people give many donation and doing charity activities for helping poor people. In contrast, it will have less benefit if they use all of their time for publishing famous people's daily activities.

Secondly, today some artist sometimes report the media to the legal entity because of their disappointing of media publication. For example, usually media exaggerate some celebrities' accident for viral purpose. Consequently, they must give much compensation to the artist to avoid them prosecute into police. In contrast, some media create program that give many chances to ordinary people for showing their talent. It also gives results of increasing the popularity of the media. It was proven that different method can produce the same result, even more useful.

In conclusion, it is not bad if media still report many famous people's daily activities. But it looks better if they give many spaces for infamous person to show their talent and real condition especially when they need some help.
faizunaa17   
Oct 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Essay about food waste in the past, present and future - introduction writing [3]

Hello kylian

For introductory sentence i have some idea to create introduction.

1. Explain many people views today about food waste. You can find it in google or some articles, better if the research paper that contain about people's opinion. So, let's start your essay with today condition.

Maybe you can start with :

Recent studies shows that food waste production reach..... percent and it bring some negative impact such as ....... //

Nowadays, Many people argue that food waste tend to bring drawbacks such as........

2. After that, add some information about the past and the future. You also can found it in the internet. Because it is the introduction part, you just explain a little or in other words just give the overview about food waste in the past and future. It is not problem if you use your own-opinion, but better if you can explain based on the data or some research or some expertise opinion.

You just mention like that :

In my opinion, food waste will be reduce in the future because.......
Based on Professor xxxxxxx research, it has shown that ..........

3. After you bring all information, MAKE COMPARISON. You can give your argument here, both positive and negative aspect. Just a few explanation about your opinion about food waste comparison between those times.

4. Then, after the introduction, you can divided your explanation into three parts. Part one is about the past, part two is about present, and part three is about future. It can make your essay well-arranged.

5. In the last, you can give conclusion and your suggestion.

I hope this can be useful for you.
Sincerely,
Faiz
faizunaa17   
Oct 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 1 : CAMBRIDGE BOOK 5.5 - 6.5 | UNIT 5 PAGE 56 - WIND TURBINE [2]

These figures illustrate some equipment that used to create wind turbine and where it should be located. That machine consists of blades that make from fiberglass or wood, sensor, generator, steel tower, and computer. Overall, there are two kinds of turbine. The bigger one usually located at the sea and the hills which is have both maximum output and wind strength. The smaller one is placed in the resident area that have little output.

The process is started when the wind twist the blades. At the same time, wind sensor will send a report to the computer that contains some data about speed and direction of the wind. As a consequence, electricity will be generated through generator.

In addition, to produce an optimum result, there are three different types of the turbine locations. First, it placed in the sea. It has some advantages such as get tremendous wind power, produce maximum output until 1.5 megawatts, and also it does not disturb the landscape. Second, the turbine that installed on the top of hill has the same positive aspect with the previous, but while sea-turbine not spoil the landscape, hill turbine disturbs the natural views. The last is domestic turbine. Although it has smaller size than others and the output only 100 kilowatts, it can be installed around the inhabitants' houses.
faizunaa17   
Oct 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Each location offers different advantages and disadvantages based on wind strengths and scenery look [3]

Hello Aini, i will give you some suggestion :
The turbine consist of blades, steel tower, wind sensor, generator, computers, and wind as the energy source

1. Wind is not part of the turbine -____-

2. The process is will be startedwill be started / is started when the turbine get ...

is will be ??? it's not proper

... get signal from sensor thatadjusts bladedblade about direction and angle of wind

4. the turbine (subject) + get (verb) + signal from sensor (object ) + must be followed by that + adjust (verb)

5. Bladed ? what is the meaning of bladed ?

6. direction and angle ---> it has same meaning . What about the speed ? Have you mentioned it ?
faizunaa17   
Oct 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / What type of wind turbine location is necessary to generate maximum electricity? [3]

the turbine which locateslocated in the hill is more spoiled for the landscape than ...

1. which is located
2. more spoiled ---> more + verb. Spoil is verb. not noun. More + adjective

... producing electricity [b]untill[/b] 1.5 megawatts.

3. until not untill ---> typo

The wind turbine which is buldbuild near the the domestic area

4. typo again

Meanwhile, (...) can generate maximum wind strengths

5. lebih dari itu, turbin besar lainnya dapat menghasilkan kekuatan angin maksimal ??? ----> turbinnya menghasilkan angin ??
ONLY ENGLISH PLEASE
faizunaa17   
Oct 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Owning an enterprise or becoming an employer: CAMBRIDGE BOOK 5.5 - 6.5 | UNIT 6 PAGE 64 [2]

Nowadays, many people encourage to build their own enterprises rather than become employer of some industries or organizations. In my perspective, it will bring many advantages than drawbacks.

First of all, having self-company will make people's time more flexible, because they act as the chief executive officer, so they will create daily schedule by self. They can walk every time and everywhere as long as the company can operate well. If we compare with people that have a job, they have less flexibility. For instance, worker usually must go in the early morning and back to the home in the night even midnight.

Secondly, our personal quality will be boost significantly. Started from leadership aspect, it will be developed rapidly because we must manage all and start from zero. We must set vision, missions, goals, create some divisions like human resource, marketing, supply chain, production, and others. Moreover, some skills like decision making, taking risk, creative thinking can grow ultimately. In contrast, worker do not have time to maintain their own skill better, because they already busy for doing their daily tasks.

Third, today social enterprise become trend among the young people. They not only become entrepreneur, but also empower poor society around them to get a job. For example, in Surabaya, there was a place that became prostitution area in the past. Since the officials closed that in 2014, many local inhabitants had become unemployment because the visitors had gone. It is finally solved by many teenagers that build social-based company and change the place to become educative tourism place. So, it is proven that having own business will bring much benefits for society.

All in all, starting business maybe more difficult than become labor in industry. However, in order to make our nation have bright future, a lot of job opportunity must be created for reducing poverty. Furthermore, it will bring many positive effect both personal and social.
faizunaa17   
Oct 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / Writing Task 1: Comparison between married and unmarried couple and the effect of children. [4]

The bar chart tells the information about the answer people gave about the satisfaction rates ...

1. charts ---> plural. Because it has shown 2 charts not only one.

2. about .... about...
It's not effective. I think you'd better use the satisfaction, because the data already refer to people answer

3. For the age having 18-64 age
For the 18 - 64 age

untuk usia yang punya usia 18 - 64 ???

Children do not affect the happiness of the family

You can't state that, because there is still a difference between the children and no children. You just mention very little, or slightly, or other that means very small effect. Except you add word "tend to do not effect"--- and explain it because only small different.
faizunaa17   
Oct 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / Happiness degree in percent related to relationship status and the effect of children appearance [2]

IELTS Writing Task 1 : Cambridge Book 5.5 - 6.5 TASK 1 UNIT 7 PAGE 76

These two bar charts provide information about happiness degree in percent related to relationship status and the effect of children appearance in the spouse life in United States. Overall, both of them don't reach fifty percent. It is also shown that connubial people have double happiness than unmarried except 65 and other that don' reach two times.

It is already illustrated that youngest people who already married, have the highest happiness rating at 45 percent. In contrast, 50-64 years old have the lowest value at 40 percent. Both 30-49 and 65 over have the same place at 44 percent. In addition, nonmarital people have almost half exaltation compared with wedded people, except the oldest people that have 34 percent.

There are only slight different of marital people who have pupils or not, so we can conclude that children have little effect to make them happy. It divided into three groups; teenagers under 18, children 18+, and no children. Their percentage are 44 percent, 41 percent, and 43% respectively.



  • Image
faizunaa17   
Oct 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / Rules for work-force to wear every day a dress which have company symbols [4]

... work-force to wear dress which have company symbols every day.

1. Hello Mardian, based on Cambridge Dictionary (NOT KAMUSQU, wkwkw) dress is refer to women clothing that covers the top of half of the body and hangs down over the legs. My suggestion is use another word that looks more appropriate

best weatherwhether dress formally or give...

2. you make typo. Weather means "cuaca". Whether is conjunction.
For instance, in Mandiri Bank, employee has to wear dress formally

3. has to wear ??

who want to save their money.

4. infinitive form is not appropriate.
faizunaa17   
Oct 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / Happiness ratings for people who have partner and do not have partner in the US [5]

Hello wil iwiwill wkwkwkwk...

... research on enjoyable ratings for people who have partner and do not have partner

1. Please be careful with the meaning of this. Partner has a wider meaning, not same as the spouse or wife or husband.

For happiness level in married people who have and ...
2. It is better you add some connector that make it looks more connect with previous sentence because IELTS writing will be better if your idea linked each other. For instance you can add this :

Based on the data happiness level...... // So.... happiness level //// etc

Overall is good, less grammatical error Wil. Keep fighting !!!
faizunaa17   
Oct 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / Wearing office-look clothes is important regarding to some enterprises policies. [2]

Some organization believe that their employees should dress smartly. Others value quality of work above appearance.
Discuss both these views and give you own opinion

Wearing office-look clothes is important regarded to some enterprises argument. However, others say that quality of work bring more positive impact than just use fashionable clothes. In my opinion, both of them are same important, but having great working performance is more useful.

Nowadays, many countries entering Industrialization era, which means that many people today work in Industry. One of thing that can reach professional value in the company is using International standard that can be shown from the way the worker using clothes. Some advantages that can produce by using office clothes are increase professionality, comfortable to see, and the most important is usually the clothes contain the company identity.

However, one of the most important factor that can increase enterprise popularity is because their labors has great quality of work. So, this is more useful than just make some suitable clothes for work. However, some expertise said that research shows that usually people can work better if they are given the chance to select their own-clothes freely. Unfortunately, it only works at the few people, and much of them don't have any problem with their clothes.

All in all, although using smart-dress can become the indicator of organizations professional ratings, customers will be more like if all workers can show their best performance and high quality of work rather than just good clothes, because action speak louder than just personal appearance.
faizunaa17   
Oct 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / British people prefer hamburgers more than other fast food - research for 1970-1990 [4]

Hello Andika

The bar and line chartchartsillustratesillustrate about money spending on fast foods by people in britainBritain in 1990.

1. bar and line ---> plural, so use Chart"s". with S

2. illustrates ---> illustrate ---> because it change into plural

3. britain ---> Britain. Please use capital letter in front of the name of area / country
faizunaa17   
Oct 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / The number of people reading books by men and women [4]

Turning to inTurning to / Turning in 2012, men figure ...

Well, you attach to small image that make me can't see it. Please attach the bigger one, because actually i fell kind of strange when read your data, because it look inappropriate
faizunaa17   
Oct 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / The pie charts compares household expenses in 7 different categories in a 60-year period [6]

The pie charts comparescompare the expenditure of household in 7 different categories in aduring 60-year period.

1. compare ---> refer to they not compares.

2. during, it is more appropriate

Overall, all figures showed a shift trend.

Well, in my opinion you cannot mention this kind of trend, because the data is too few. It only compare 2 years data, and you can't say it "trend". Usually trend is used for line chart, that have many years, not only two.
faizunaa17   
Oct 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / The two figures which provide data about the land degradation in 1990s [3]

There are two figures which are provide data about the degradation of land in 1990s. While the pie chart displays all countries information in general, the table divide it into some regions. Overall, over-grazing become the most influenced factor that caused land degradation in all countries. In additions, Europe had the biggest problem in land, while North America just a little percentage

It can be seen that animal farms brought the highest percentage at 35 percent. It was followed by deforestation at 30 percent, and over-cultivation in the third place at 28 percent. Then, other factor had the lowest value at 7 percent.

Based on the table, each region had different biggest problem. In Oceania, over-grazing reach top among the others regional problem at 11.3 percent, totally different with their cultivation problem that had zero percent. Forest cut-down tree problem was the most tremendous in Europe at 9.8 percent while over-planting became the most outweight in North America. However, in sum of all, Europe has 23 percent while North America only 5 percent.




faizunaa17   
Oct 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / Is school a suitable spot for pupils to study about how to adapt in the social society? [2]

There are many arguments mentioned that school is suitable spot for pupils to study about how to adapt with social society. In contrast, some people said that family will bring more effect if they directly teaching their own-children to be great in surroundings. In my opinion, spouses is the best people who can teach their own-child intensively

Nowadays, schools tend to be the center of educations. Many parents already busy with their activities, so they choose the best school for educating their children both intellectual and social aspects. So, in this case, teachers bring the main role to create student's perspective, about how interact with people. In fact, it is extremely not effective, because there are too many children in the school, and actually teachers only develop their intellectual quotient. Furthermore, students cannot learn a lot about the way to socialize with other people from their teachers.

As a result of that, it is undoubtedfully that parents is the best people who know the real characters and potential of their own children. First, it's because father and mother have an amazing bounding with their pupils since pregnant. So, they exactly know what is the real characteristic of their child, such as introvert, extrovert, and others. Every character have not same way of interact with another. So, the parents know the best way to bring up their child. Second, it is caused by time that spent by parents with children longer than in school. They meet in the morning, when breakfast in afternoon when play even in the night when sleep together. So, husband and wife have the stronger change to build socialization ability and skills of their children.

All in all, family is the most convenient place for building emotional sides of children such as how to become good member in social life. So, I suggest that parents should keep in touch every time and more often with their children.
faizunaa17   
Oct 31, 2016
Writing Feedback / Fertility of women in their forties in Aussie country [2]

... plummet was seen in the bar of four or more children ...

Where is the "bar"? The data shown by table, and it doesn't contain any bar there. So, be careful to write it.

Overall is good writing, i have no error found of your grammatical, but i suggest to be careful for paraphrasing like that.
faizunaa17   
Oct 31, 2016
Writing Feedback / The number of inhabitants in Japan during a century [6]

... information about the number of inhabitantinhabitants in Japan ...

1. Remember ! Inhabitants ---> for plural form, because it is countable

the quantity of elderly residentresidents aged 65 years above

2. Remember ! residents ---> for plural form, because it is countable

the sum of Japan's population is keep increasestill increase throughout the ...

3. is + keep + increase ---> triple verb

The total number of residentresidents in Japan experienceaincrease gradually for fifty years, sincefrom 1950 to 2005

4. Remember ! residents ---> for plural form, because it is countable

5. a + noun ---> a gradual not gradually (adverb).

6. Experience is not appropriate (see Cambridge dictionary examples) for this world , because it has different meaning.

7. From.... to.... . If you use since, you don't need to add since 1950 to 2005 ----> this.
faizunaa17   
Oct 31, 2016
Writing Feedback / There are many kinds of food that spread in our country from local and international cuisine [2]

IELTS WRITING TASK 2 WORKBOOK BAND 5.5 - 6.5 UNIT 2 PAGE 16

Nowadays, there are many kinds of food that spread in our country from local until international cuisine. This phenomenon brings both pros and cons especially in health aspect. While some argue that today it is not easy to life healthier, other say that is not difficult for keeping our body healthy. In my opinion, it's tend to be difficult today because of many types of food that offered and others factors.

It is not wrong if some have argument that modern life make all aspect become easy including keeping health. The development of knowledge make all aspect improve, including health. Today we can find just on one click about information of health. For instance, we can look for vegetarian menu, diet tips and tricks, fitness facilities, aerobic clubs, and others. Furthermore, many hospitals, doctors, health experts, and other kinds of facilities are like to be placed everywhere, so it can make us easy to maintain our body.

However, in my view, facilities and other external factor are not useful if people don't have their self-awareness. First of all, today there are many kinds of foods that contain harmful ingredients such as MSG, color substance, natrium benzoate, and others man-made things that created from non-natural substance. Some people also like to consume meat that contain high fat, cholesterol, it is because the tasteful taste of food. Moreover, some food that sell near the street in some food stalls usually not hygiene, but people still buy it because delicious and cheap. Secondly, as a result of fossil fuels combustion, it produces high pollution rate that very dangerous for our respiration system and people often lazy to use nose and mouth cover to protect their body. Third, because of the rapid improvement of technology such as computers and mobile phone, it brings radiation that create negative effect of our brain, even make people lazy to do physical activities, because they can refresh their mind only with their eyes and hand via mobile. It is different form people in the past that like to do sport activities for refreshing their mind.

In conclusion, even though a lot of health facilities and information are easy to access, its tend to be difficult to be healthy and fit because the habit come from their self-awareness.
faizunaa17   
Oct 31, 2016
Writing Feedback / The data about educational background of Bulgarian Inhabitants who wanted to stay abroad [2]

The bar chart provides data about educational background of Bulgarian Inhabitants who wanted to stay in abroad in 2002, 2006, and 2008. Overall, most of people had secondary education, and the percentage are almost tripled in 2002 and 2006 compared with others. In addition, while higher education had unstable trend, primary and lower had positive change each year.

It is clear that middle education had the highest number in 2002, 2006, 2008 at 65 percent, 61 percent, and 59% respectively. It's also only had a slight decrease each year, four percent fall in 2006, and downward by two percent in 2008.

Besides, the number of higher education had fluctuate trend because after went up from 17 percent in 2002 to 20 percent in 2006, it decreased by more than half into 9 percent. In contrast, elementary education rose from year to year from a very little upward in 2006, just one percent higher than before to 32 percent in 2008.




faizunaa17   
Nov 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / Bulgarian citizens who lived outside their country, based on school level [5]

Well this is my suggestion for you, Ana.
You still describe safely. You have to remember that your job in the writing task 1 is to compare the figures, not describe separately. You mention too detail of the data that make you just describe it, not to compare or summarize it. .

I hope even though there is only a few data, and maybe it is difficult to summarize, you can found it if you look clearly.
faizunaa17   
Nov 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / Not many high educated Bulgarians are interested emmigration abroad [4]

... while higher education and primary and lower education ...

1) The repetition make it not look effective. You'd better if you change it to another words:

... while higher education also primary and lower ...

On the other hand, Bulgarian ...

2) You still mention all details of the charts. Remember, task 1 aim is to look our ability to summarize and make comparison of that. So, you don't need to mention all of the data in your explanation
faizunaa17   
Nov 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / If we can use it in appropriate way, the social networking can really narrow the gap between people [2]

Nowadays, social media develops rapidly and it make people's way to communicate within others has been change. As a result of that, it makes some arguments that social application will create worst relationship between people. In my view, I tend to be disagree, because it still has many advantages.

Actually, we cannot lie that the messaging tools bring some drawbacks. One of them is people will be lazy to meet up with their friends, even with family, because they think it is already enough to send the latest update via mobile. For example, a father in the past time usually like spent their weekend with his adolescence, but now, they just send the pictures or videos that illustrates their activity. Worstly, it will bring negative effects for children psychology feel father-less caused by only few times he plays with his dad.

However, there are some positive aspect that will defeat the disadvantages. First, chatting application has a tremendous flexibility. Taken example of that, today people can send their recent activity just in seconds although they separate in thousand kilometers. This is one of the evidences that electronic media bring the most efficient way compared with the past centuries when people used a letter that sent manually through post office and it took a long time for received. Second, some of the media contain many features like send documents, voices, images, videos, and also emoticons. This can be used to increase the personal relationship quality. For instance, when our wife sad, we can send funny images or video that make them smile even happier than before. Also, we can make a video call with our pupils every time and everywhere especially when we doing business to other cities even abroad, they can still see us lively just like without any distances.

All in all, although social networking has some bad sides, there are still a lot of advantages that can really make closest relationship, if we can use it in appropriate way. (331 words)
faizunaa17   
Nov 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / Over 200 million people are suffering from Malaria, the disease caused by mosquitos; TED summary [4]

Hello i have some suggestion for you

1) INRODUCTION : Where is your introduction? You just mention this :

Over the past century, the average of lifespan has more than doubled. In contrast, another statistic shows ...
... before they reach 5 year5 years old.
... mostly, arewereDiarrhoeaDiarrhea , Pneumonia and Malaria.

You must explain what kind of problem that you will explain on your essay. People will be confused when reading your essay because you directly start with average live span, and followed by some data. People actually will ask , what your explanation refer to ? What the topic of your essay???

2) 5 years old ---> plural, more than one

3) typo ---> Diarrhea

4) were not are ---> past time
faizunaa17   
Nov 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / Information about people's opinion related to communication ability very useful in their occupation [2]

IELTS WRITING TASK 1 : CAMBRIDGE WORKBOOK 5.5 - 6.5 | UNIT 3 PAGE 23

The table provides information about people's opinion related to communication ability that very useful for their occupation in 1997 and 2006. Overall, the average of external communication percentage is higher than internal. Besides that, dealing with people is the most important skill that will help people for doing work.

It can be seen that all indicators of both internal and external only have less than ten percent change between 1997 and 2006. We can see in external sides, knowledge of product had the highest change about 6 percent from 35 percent in 1997 to 41 percent in 2006. However, even though it became the highest in external, it took the second position at all because listening skills to partners had a raise in 9 percent from 38 percent to 47 percent.

In addition, listening carefully to work-pairs became the most essential skill inside the company at 47 percent. Furthermore, the labor ability to deal with others is the most important skills among all at 65 percent. (166 WORDS)




faizunaa17   
Nov 2, 2016
Writing Feedback / Electronic devices have brought negative effects on human, especially in personal communication [5]

Hello Anna, here some advice from me to you:

... used by people are handphone with many features inside. By using handphone , users can send ...

1). TYPO handphone ---> hand phone. You must separate it.

2) REPETITION. It's better to change into other words such as mobile / mobile phone / smart phone

Moreover, users who do not use mobile phone well and exactly

3) SAME MEANING. I think it has the same meaning, so better if you use one of them.
That situation will bring persons 008000]people

4) people ---> plural form of person

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