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Posts by fauziyahtami
Name: Fauziyah
Joined: Sep 26, 2016
Last Post: Oct 31, 2016
Threads: 22
Posts: 38  
Likes: 6
From: Indonesia
School: University of Indonesia

Displayed posts: 60 / page 1 of 2
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fauziyahtami   
Oct 31, 2016
Writing Feedback / Some people think that air transportation usage needs to be cut to lower air pollution. [3]

Restricting air travel is the only way to prevent air pollution. Do you agree or disagree?

In the last decades, air travel passengers have been increasing to a tremendous number. Some people think that air transportation use needs to be cut to descends air pollution. I firmly disagree with this view since aeroplane devotes many merits.

There is no doubt that airplane's schedules today are more highly than before. This trend causes a bad effect on the air pollution, by the increasing of air travel, simultaneously air pollution is ascending that may contribute to global warming. For instance, plane's emission directly crashes the atmosphere. Consequently, earth atmosphere is damaged, makes a big hole that continuously expands which causes the increasing of earth's temperature. This means the government has to control air travel consumption to preserve the earth.

However, even though plane's pollution ruin the atmosphere, aeroplane also helps a human in every business. Firstly, in this modern world, people have a tight bustle that forces them to move quickly. By using an airplane, they do not need more time to reach some places. This may cut corner society's time and make it more effective. Secondly, air travel opens up a huge number of occupations. This is helping the government to decrease the number of unemployment. Finally, a plane is not the only reason of gas pollution. America environment ministry declared that the most agent of air pollution came from motor vehicles like car and motorbike. By this means, the government has to focus on hamper the ascending of vehicle number.

To conclude, air transportation contributes in the raising of air pollution nowadays, yet it really helps human. I disagree with the opinion that plane's schedule have to be decreased since the most causes that contribute to the pollution comes from car and motorcycle.
fauziyahtami   
Oct 31, 2016
Writing Feedback / It will be hard for people who ignore their health to have a healthy lifestyle. [4]

hello,
hope you doing well, lemme give some suggestion

... have willing to be healthy, they(it) will not hard to ...
... that it is not (an) easy work to people practice (a) healthy way of life(lifestyle) .
..., many things that attract people to ignore with a healthy lifestyle.

In this present time, many methods people can use to keep healthy(many methods can be used to keep our body health) .
... and consume home-made health(ty) food and vitamins.
She always keep(s) her health with consume(ing) vitamin, goes jogging (...) food every day (you already mention it before (about healthy foods, vitamins etc) I think you have to devote another specific example and improve it with 5W1H)

... she goes to the sport(s) centre for ...
...but it feels difficult for the others (I think this sentence already mentioned it the former, you can cut this one) . (In my opinion, you need to give a result from the example, (consequently, my mom rarely getting sick..........)

Another(Other) people have (a) mindset that it is hard to have (the) healthy lifestyle in (the) modern era. They think too complicated to become health(they have a complex thought about this issue) . Furthermore, if they are busy with their activities, they do not want to start a healthy life. (you have to expand your explanation, sharpen your view and make it clear so a reader will catch your point properly)

... he has (the) unhealthy lifestyle ...

... the essential to be health(ty) will feel easy to implement (the) healthy way of life.
(In my viewpoint, you need to give your own view)
*you have to organise your sentence, some of it tend to make reader confuse

Good luck and keep writing :)
fauziyahtami   
Oct 31, 2016
Writing Feedback / Fast food eaten by Australia Teenagers over 25-year period [2]

Hello
Hope you doing well, lemme give you some suggestion

The breakdown of information about [....] dropped dramatically over the timeframe shown.
(you have done well, yet I think it is better if you mention the kind of food, you can also mention the highest and the smallest)

... whilst Hamburgers rose slightly in(at) the end of the period.
On the other hand, Fish and Chips started at 100 consumption of fast food in 1975,...........
(you can also describe the former data, which one at the first, second and third place then compare with the latest data, it will make your essay more attractive)

Good luck and keep writing :)
fauziyahtami   
Oct 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / The criminality is continuously growing and threaten societies. [4]

Each year, the crime rate increases.
What are the causes of crime and what could be done to prevent this rise in criminal activity?


Criminality cases have been ascending over the time. Several reasons are engaged to this problem. I do believe that there is any way to root out crime rate. This essay will explain the causes and the prevention of crime.

In this modern day, people are facilitated by sophisticated technology. Firstly, individuals can access information from where they stand using the internet. This amenity is oftentimes being misused by cyber criminals to commit fraud. They can stalk the activity of potential target and track the location using social media. Secondly, people nowadays have a higher IQ in the history; they find many methods to do offence to look for profit. For instance, nowadays, several hypnotherapists are abusing their ability to deceive to reach profits in an easy way. Thirdly, society's life getting harder over the last decades, economic problem force people to seeking money in illegitimate ways. The price of primary needs has been increasing to be an unreasonable price.

People from all over the world cooperate to against wickedness. Various kinds of way have been created using a combination of technologies. The government has a duty to protect the citizen from the threat of the felon. Ministry of national security has to upgrade the security system by utilising technology. For instance, in the last 2015, Jakarta authority installed over 50 units CCTV around the main street. Consequently, the number of crime rate has been decreasing, criminal be more scared to do robber since all of the society has been watching by police. In addition, society has to be more careful during using the internet,

To sum up, in this present time criminality is continuously growing and threaten society. Many factors that cause this case and also many strategies have been developing to inhibit crime. Even though the government has been attempting to protect citizen by setting up a tight security system, society still forced to preserve their self.
fauziyahtami   
Oct 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / The number of plants and animals species in the tropical forest which closed to extinction (WT 1) [2]

Hello,
Hope you doing well, lemme give you some suggestion

A breakdown which presents in the graph [....] the disappearance is caused by human impact . (this sentence prone to make me confuse)(my suggestion, you need to manage your sentence properly, so it will be more easily to understand the main idea you have tried to explain)

... the total number of (a) figure will drop ...

When we look (at)the main induces of the species extinctions (the main reason that induce the extinction of species), the human impact is(gives) the highest contribution to(of) the (creatur) disappearance at 81.3% while natural events donates at 18.7%.

*writing task 1 is about the comparison, you have to more compare the data
*you can mention the highest, smallest, lowest and etc data to attract reader attention
*you have done well, yet you need to manage your sentence to be more clearly to understand

good luck and keep writing :)
fauziyahtami   
Oct 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / How marital status impact the happiness level between spouses? [2]

Hello,
Hope you doing well, lemme give you some suggestion

... single no more than (a) half percent and (...) extremely affect(ed) for oldest people.
... not have any children is not tremendous important for (the) happiness of married couples.

In contrast, unmarried people have (a) level of pleasure ...

Those percentages of blisfulness(blissfulness) are 44% and 43% subsequently.
... have adult children have (the) smallest proportion ...

*writing task 1 is about the comparison, you have to compare the data clearly, not only mention the data. both of body 1 and 2 merely show the percentage.

*you can use "more than two-fifths (45%)" etc to replace percentage instead

Good luck and keep writing :)
fauziyahtami   
Oct 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Cosmopolitan summary- Sharing a Bed with Your Kids Is Not So Great for Their Mental Health [3]

Sleeping in the same bed with kids is so common right now. A study tries to dig about the effect of it, is there any negative effect caused by this culture. The researcher engaged 3,583 children in Brazil. It evaluated with various intervals, researcher observes internalised disorders (such as anxiety or depression) and externalised issue (like oppositional defiant disorder, any kind of ADHD, or a conduct disorder). The survey showed that kids who sleep with their parents had a higher risk of mental health rather than who does not. New discovery found that sharing a bed with the kid can cause prone anxiety and depression. The American Academy says that it is better to let the baby stay in parent's room until at least six months old.
fauziyahtami   
Oct 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Some people think that to lead a successful life a university degree is important. [2]

Hello,
Hope you doing well, lemme give you some suggestion

==> It is often argued that it is (a) positive development, ...
==> ..., it agreed that university degree is significant ,and it will be showed by analysis ... (make it clear, what are you agreeing to?)
==> Some believe that students get (a) chance to pursue (...) in their fields at (the) university .
==> ... be able to come up with (a) new invention from their researches . For example, many students has(have) find out many medicine that is incomparable like insulin (how this work?, you can expand your sample using 5W1H to strengthen your view) .

==> ... that make student more capable to address(capable of addressing) new difficulties in society.
==> ... universities degrees is (are) (the) hindrance for some achievement at (the) early age.
==> They think that it make unable students to be full ...(this sentence prone to make me confuse)(they think that it cause student cannot or unable to be a full-time job after holder.............) .

==> Despite of working, if (the) student enrols university ,(...)t not be able to reduces the financial burden of their(s) .
==> ... independent and self(-) reliant at younger age itself.
==> ... given enormous benefits to(a) learner to be (...) for (a) new invention .
==> ..., but he have (has) a successful life (sharpen your example using 5W1H) .
==> ... that higher education is (the) power that can (...) of economy and living(e) standard .
==> To (be) conclude(d) , Despite of having ...

Good luck and keep writing :)
fauziyahtami   
Oct 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Culture and Language. When we want to learn abroad culture, we have to master the language first. [3]

Hello,
Hope you doing well, lemme give you some suggestion

==> ... before we can speak (the) local language fluently.

... usually can not speak other language(s) so when ...
*you already mention the reasons, better yet if you give at least one example using 5W1H to sharpen your view
*you can add more reason from another view to strengthening your opinion


.., most of(the) people who want to ...
*you have done great, you complete your view with explanation, example and result

==> ... gives many merits to learn(ing) local culture.
... but also it can be learn(ed) by using the internet ...

Good luck and keep writing :)
fauziyahtami   
Oct 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Ken Robinson declared about the importance of creativity in education [3]

TED summary- Do Schools Kill Creativity

Ken Robinson declared about the importance of creativity in education. Children may be lost in a lot of mistakes while they trying something new in order to search for their talent. The fact that if you are not preparing yourself to be wrong you will never come up with the original. Educations whole the world have a high standard. In the past, if people don't have a degree so they will not get any job, your major determine your occupation. But now, even children have a degree it does not guarantee their future, this is inflation of educations. University's system designed to measure scholar intelligence by entrance exam, so if you are good at school it doesn't mean you can joint to the university. In 30 years later, UNESCO predicted that there will be more graduating from university more than the history. People have to discover the talent then chose the best way to improve it. Parents have an obligation to lead their children to find it. Every pupil should see their creativity capacity helped by parents, so they can reach the right goal in the future
fauziyahtami   
Oct 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / One way to restore our body and mind is traveling. Article summary - Traveling [3]

Hello,
Hope you doing well, lemme give you some suggestion

==> ... body and mind is traveling(travelling) . This is because experiencing favorable(favourable) place can raise our joyful. Besides, traveling (travelling) becomes a perfect time ...

Spending leisure time in (the) weekend in or out of ...
==> In addition, having (a) chance to travel a ...
As the result, we can built(build) a new relationship ...

*you did some typo, you have to watch your words
*better yet if you explain more so reader will understand your summary clearly

Good luck and keep writing :)
fauziyahtami   
Oct 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Sir Ken Robinson in his public speech shared about how the schools kill children's creativity. [4]

Hello,
Hope you doing well, lemme give you some suggestion

==> ... should be treated as (the) same status.
... that most of (the) schools have determined ...
==> Another factor that affect(s) why teacher tend(s) to force their ...
==> ... ability in art tend to declin(e)ing .

*you already explained the reason why schools can kill creativity clearly, better yet if you mention the comparison between the condition in this present time and in the past

*you can also mention the bad side of the death of creativity

you've done great
Good luck and keep writing :)
fauziyahtami   
Oct 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Writing task 2- The opinion about communication with others via online [5]

Some people think that being able to communicate with others online is breaking down geographical barriers and enabling people, who would normally never have the chance to meet, to communicate.

What are the advantages of international communication online?
Are there any disadvantages to this?


In this modern world, many changes are appearing especially the easy access to communication by using the internet. People commonly talk to a stranger via online that they never see in person before. This trend turns up an assumption that online media tearing down the constraint among states all over the world. I do believe that the internet brings certain benefits for society, yet there are drawbacks may occur behind.

There is no doubt that the world is developing very fast over the last decades. It can be seen that the internet turn to be a primary need for modern people. Firstly, social media offer us the easy way to explore the whole world from where we stand. An Internet user can meet many people from another hemisphere. They can also learn a lot of culture from multiple countries at the same time. Secondly, online communication leads us to share information to the world. Everyone can write any opinion or view on the internet and share the up to date news that happening in their region. For instance, in 2012, Bromo Mountain in Indonesia had an earthquake, immediately almost all of people over the world knew about it via online news. Finally, social media help us to find who disappear for a long time such as an old friend.

However, side effects of social media may harm for our life, if society cannot use it properly and carefully. First of all, the internet facilitates virtual criminal to do a snow job by abusing people's trust. Several people easily trust other people even they have not met personally. In addition, everyone can steal other details then use it to deceive the other one. Many photos captured and shared to social media, criminal use the photo to draw the wool over eyes on someone and then do some deception. The last, by using online chat too much, it may change inhabitant's habit. Societies have a tendency to communicate on the air rather than talk in person. This cause decreases empathy feeling fellow humans.

To conclude, many benefits that can we receive by online communication as long as we can control it. Nevertheless, some disadvantages also can turn up caused by the personal user or moreover abusing detail information. Therefore, individuals have to be more careful during using the internet.
fauziyahtami   
Oct 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / There are several people who like to achieve excellence in facing work tasks, and enjoy their job [3]

Hello,
Hope you doing well, lemme give you some corrections

==> ... tendency to work at (the) same company every ...
==> This essay would deny with such an idea as except money, (tend to make me confuse)the working experience(s)(,) as well as the (...) they keep working all day in (at) the same workplace.

==> ... that workers spend all- day (long)in same workplaces (try to paraphrase this word, "in the office") to analyze any tasks, (...) and execute through actions based on their decision

==> For instance, ........................ potential in solving some of them (,) according to(the) survey in (a) well-known company. It is true that experience in (the) unfamiliar workplace is as important as money needed to keep their lifestyle(keep their life going well) . (you can complete your paragraph with a result from the instance)

==> Aside from what is(has) explained above,
==> This is because doing (a) job over (...) bored to most (of) officers who already ...
==> In 2009, (a) national survey (from where? you can mention the place) that analyze the aim (...) showed most of (the) old people aged (...) working for emotionally fulfillment (fulfilment ) rather than ...

==> ... and pension are aimed by(at) workers to do their job in (the) similar company.

* you did not mention your statement, agree or disagree? you have to address it at the introduction and conclusion, so it will make your essay more clearly

* try to make multiple ideas

you have done great
good luck and keep writing :)
fauziyahtami   
Oct 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Simple method of producing electricity by wind turbine but troublesome process of its location [3]

Hello,
Hope you doing well, lemme give you some corrections

==> The diagrams illustrate turbine by using (the) wind to produce electricity
==> Overall, ............... to produce electricity by using (the) wind (you can use another word for using wind such as "windmill" instead) , its installation will be difficult in (to) some extent ...

==> Blades are usually made from fiberglass (fibreglass) or wood.
==> Also blades are also added(Blades also added) with wind sensor connected to (a) computer which is close to (the) tower to adjust (the) direction and angel of blades. Another main part of blades is (a) generator (that) producing energy ...

==> ... be located on the top of (the) mountain where (the) wind (you can use air instead) blows with maximum strength.
==> ... be set up close by(to) coast line.
==> Although (the) wind in the sea is ...

You have done great
Good luck and keep writing :)
fauziyahtami   
Oct 11, 2016
Writing Feedback / The Taklimakan Desert is one of the most extreme environments on Earth [2]

Plant Life in the Taklimakan Desert

The Taklimakan Desert is one of the most extreme environment(s) on Earth, which has rare rainfall, violent sandstorms and the temperature change up to 20oC (68oF) every day. It is located in Northwestern China and had a wide size about 337,600 square kilometres (130,300 square miles).

There are several plants species thrive freely in the Taklimakan Desert. 85% of The Taklimakan Desert are covered by 250 meter3 high sand dunes and transform constantly between the open desert and oasis. This condition forces all the plants to adapt well.

There are three Taklimakan plants: Populus euphratica, Tamarix ramosissima, and Alhagi sparsifolia which can upstand strongly to confront scorching summer, frigid winter, drought, and high salt concentration. They have been adapting well by recovering their condition quickly. They perform divergent profile vegetation that has a unique mechanism to survive. The plants are attracting water as much as they can and minimising evaporation at the same time.

Populus eupharatica, The Euphrates poplar, struggle by having a long root system that can reach water miles away. This plant only opens the stomata while photosynthesis at the day, aiming to reduce moisture loss.

P. euphratica may face high-level of salt in the soil. Unlimited salt concentration through the root to the stem and enter into the leaves. The plant produces a large number and volume of its cells to dilute the salt.

Tamarix ramosissima usually called tamarisk or salt cedar is a small tree with small, sharp leaves. Tamarisk absorbs a huge amount of water by a far-reaching root system that has a double size of the upper plant. Tamarisk manages their decisive time to close and open the stomata to prevent evaporation.

As a salt-tolerant plant, Tamarisk also produces its own salt that will be collected in special glands between leaves and then release onto life surface. Leaves falling down to the ground could affect the soil more saline.

Alhagi sparsifolia is a spiny shrub has a tiny root which can reach water down deeper than the others. A. sparsifolia does a hydraulic conductance system to bring up the groundwater.

Even though desert plant could survive around the extreme condition, they need some help to preserve their sand dunes to be stable, avoiding erosion, presenting a barrier to sandstorm and protecting biodiversity.
fauziyahtami   
Oct 11, 2016
Writing Feedback / Programming bacteria to detect cancer (and maybe treat it) [2]

Hello
Hope you doing well, lemme give you some suggestion

==> ... to detect cancer inside (a) human body.
==>An explanation from (a) researcher, Tal Danino (...) to detect cancer even another disease(this sentence tend to make me confuse) .
==> He developed a software where(which) it can write algorithm ...
==> ... assisted the colony (in spreading out to detect disease that phenomenon ...)(to spread out to detect disease that phenomena he called a supernova. )
==> ... Bacteria grew naturally in (the) human body and sent (a) signal to the machine and the detect(ed) cancer or treat. It will be (a) benefit to detect cancer and other disease(s) in the future.

Overall, you have done great
Good luck and keep writing :)
fauziyahtami   
Oct 11, 2016
Writing Feedback / Can Spicy Foods Really Cool You Down? (Article Summary) [2]

Hello Fauzan,
Hope you doing well, lemme give you some suggestion

==> This summary is extracted from wired.com and was published by Jennifer Chausse (it's okay you try to mention the source, but you only have to write down the link at the below --> Source: ww.wired.com/xxxxxxxxxx).

==> ... hot acai porridge or other type(s) of spicy food are able ...
==> A scientist from (the) University of Ottawa have been ...
==> ... hot then automatically stimulate (the) body to start sweating ...
Now, the principal turns out (that) people can really ...

Overall, you have done great
Good luck and keep writing :)
fauziyahtami   
Oct 11, 2016
Writing Feedback / Athlete Has a Great Peripheral Vision Ability in Sports [5]

When we focus on something we usually do not notice our peripheral area, we may know there is something blurry around but we actually do not pay attention to it. Some people need to focus on the blur that surrounds where they stand on such as Athletes. They optimise their peripheral vision ability to see all around clearly.

An athlete is trained to upgrade their visual ability to detecting and tracking what come around as much as he could. In a game, anything could show up suddenly but Athletes can catch their environment condition quickly although they move so fast without losing any concentration. The combination of good footwork, body position and peripheral vision will help improve viewing time and give the opportunity to foreknow what next.

Athlete viewpoint is full of motion which means need to be skimmed but clear. Any object could emerge from any porous quickly, that compel the athlete to balance their head movement an eye motion to move faster in response. A volleyball player needs to stay in a position that ready to face the speed and angel of the direction of the ball and the other player movement.

Contrasting court backgrounds, enlightening, the obvious divergence of uniform and less of-court motion could help the athlete to exacerbate their visual. It is strange to using a grey uniform while bright colours would help them to keep on eyes in each member.

Everything that brings out distraction while they are in focus will carry pause moment. Pause moment will convey a blurred view during visual tracking error. Even, every single of blinking may occur interferes. Human blinking is about two or a half seconds every minute and it will be more if people under anxiety attack. This occurs prompt blurs while eyes motion in and out of focus on particular objects. Athlete trained to be able to anticipate and outgrow all non-visual moment.
fauziyahtami   
Oct 11, 2016
Writing Feedback / The Surprising History Behind the Scary Clown Phenomenon [2]

Hello Bams,
Hope you enjoy your time, lemme give you some suggestion

==> (a)(or you can mention Years ago) Long time ago, the cre(e )py clowns had been appear (ing/ed? depend on the time),

==> fis r(s) t of all the clowns were marginal grouph s society in America.
==> They always fun(n)y dressed(tend to make me confuse--> they always dress uniquely)but(and) they make up the(their) face with freak style.

==>Thisphenonema(phenomenon--> singular) not only occur in the USA but also in the several countries.
==> The clowns (were-->past tense) popular as scary creatur(e) s because their style was very stranger in the(among) society.
==> Therefore they are popular as cre(e) py creatures.
==> Spreading of the scary clowns are(is) very rapidly.
==> ... they became enemies in the(among/ between) several country(ies--> several-->plural) .
==>However, After 19 century, (the) condition of clowns became better than the 19 century (before--> you have done mention it),
==> Charles Dickens (L--> capital for place name)l ondon flokflore(folklore) member grouph(this sentence tend to make me confuse)(Charles Dickens is a member of London's folklore group has) changed of scary ..

==>In the 20 century, clowns industry(ie) s have been rapidly ...
The police had arrests(ed--> had need V3) all of (the) scary clowns and right now,
==> ... and in the several countries (later) .

*be aware with plural and singular
*you have done several typos
*your sentence structure sometimes tends to make reader confuse, try to make it easily to understand

Good luck and keep writing :)
fauziyahtami   
Oct 11, 2016
Writing Feedback / Some scientists from University of Oxford released result of study about the future of work [3]

Hello Fauzan
Hope you doing well, lemme give you some advice.

==> Some scientists from (the) University of Oxford released (the) result of study about
==> ... almost one in every two job(s) have a high risk of ...
==> As we know, machine(s) have (the) power to learn ...
==> .., machine learning grow(s) rapidly to able doing ...
==> ... that machines can not (afford to) do, it is
==> ... bring a new challenge(,) therefore we still can stay

*be aware with singular and plural.
*learn about where you need "the"

Overall, you have done great
Good luck and keep writing :)
fauziyahtami   
Oct 10, 2016
Writing Feedback / Logging brings harm to the ecosystem. The damage causes habit loss, pollution and climate change. [4]

Asignment- Environmental Impacts of Logging

The logging industry supplied the raw material for many commercial products. It brings harm to the ecosystem. The damage causes habit loss, pollution and climate change that has been spreading from the rainforest of Central Africa, Southeast Asia, and also from South America to the northern woods of Canada and Scandinavia. The extensive of logging gives eliminate of a swath of trees. Terrestrial and aquatic life form are in danger, and soon will be gone by the effect of losing nutrients, water, a shelter for plants, animals and microorganism throughout the ecosystem.

Soil protected by underneath of trees, which means by losing tree nature will lose their integrity. The rainforest ground, home to a large number of plant life, insect, worms, reptiles, amphibians and small mammals, dependent on a compact canopy of branches and leaves to make them stay healthy and not impaired. The canopy catches the heavy rainfall to protect surface runoff, thus the rain will be separated into drips and fall down on to the porous earth. Tree roots make a stable soil and preserve from erosion. The healthy soil will boost root development and microbial activity that helps tree to growth well. Road building gives a heavy compression what damage the spongy soil, creating furrows where water collets and interrupting the underground water path. As result, the topsoil is leaving infertile stones and clays.

Logging also gives aquatic affect. Plants that separate all the rivers and a narrow river bank could help water pathway maintenance by cover the entry of soil and other residues, while tree shade slows down the growth of algae. The loss of forest could reduce the amount of oxygen in the water, killing fish, while the organic needs more oxygen after erosion.

Wood consume carbon dioxide and produce oxygen instead and pollutants will be filtered their leaves. Pollutants will stay in the air and will mix with water vapour and form acid raid if nature cannot handle it anymore. So the streams and rivers have a worsening water and rose sedimentation.

Truthfully, forest ecosystem supply humidity from the soil to the atmosphere, whereas inhibiting volatilization. Deforestation changes rainfall pattern that gives rise a flooding same as drought and forest fires. Deforestation brings up tonnes of carbon into the atmosphere leading to a major factor to global warming. Many logging companies make a way to an area, so they burn forest's tract and release more highly carbon dioxide concentration.

Rainforests are the decisive natural device that has biodiversity and irreplaceable wildlife habitats. Logging responsibility could help protect the world for the next generation.
fauziyahtami   
Oct 10, 2016
Writing Feedback / Young people have to move to cities to get a good job. [4]

Hello everyone, today i have a topic to talk about the advantages and the disadvantages of living in a small village. Here is it. Could someone gives me some advices (uncountable)? please!

==> ... city where has more benifits(benefits) .
==> ... and disadvantages to live in the country. (you already paraphrase the question but try another word) (nevertheless, living in the backwoods brings up several benefits, yet also gives a few drawback)

==> Firstly, let's talk about the advantages(benefits/ merit)(of staying at the countryside)when live in a places far from the city .
==> People live in small villages where everyone knows everyone else(tend to make me confuse)(Inhabitants who live in the backwoods tend to known each other), they usually garther(gather)to talk together(they usually come together for chitchat) .

==> People form strong relationships and they usually support ... (they usually work together/cooperate to help solve any trouble) , so they never feel lonely (thus, they do not to face it alone/ no need to feel so long/ no worries to be lonesome, etc)

==> Also with a more relaxed way ...
==> Also the enviro(n)ment in the county (...) because it not e(a) ffected by the industrialization, ...
==> ... are many of the dis(ad) vantages. The education is a big (huge/ immense) problem, children are difficult to go to school because (...) work as farmers(Children have to confront the adversity of paying tuition fee, due to the fact that most of the villagers work as farmer)

As I said before(according the drawback above) , there are not many (a few/ fewer) companies or factories so if the young people have ambitions, they have to move to cities to get a good job.(make this sentence more easily to understand)

==> Also , when someone is ill, they cannot access to heath care because (since, caused by, for) it is a long way to the nearest hospital.(The nearest hospital is far away from the village/ it takes hard effort to reach the hospital/ it is miles away from backwoods)

==> In my opinion, I think people from the countryside are happier than the ones coming from cityside (metropolis) -->how could you say that? give some explanation to strengten your opinion, by using paraphrase of the statement before) . However, there are more advantages(many / the adventages of living in the big city overweigth the diasdventages) to live in a big city.

*You didn't give any example at least once for each paragraph.
*Your paragraph didn't clear. when the next passage starts, there's no sign. at least give some space (enter)
*You often mention "also" --> furthermore, moreover, in addition, on the other hand, on the one hand, on the other word and many else

*You didn't mention the conclusion of your statement. The conclusion is a must for IELTS writing task 2
*some sentence is unclearly mention--> give some explanation

Good luck and keep writing :)
fauziyahtami   
Oct 10, 2016
Writing Feedback / The importance of balancing our income and expense. Money Management. [5]

Hello,
Hope you enjoy your time
You have done great, yet lemme give you some suggestion

==> Growing inflation rate,numerous bills,............................ income (you can use influx or profit) and expense(expenditure/ outlay/ spending money) .
==> ...find it difficult to develope the skills of how to control (arrange, set, oversee) their own finance.
==> Understanding taxation,purchasing thoughfully
==> ...which can help people to bulid(build) a systematic frame of finance
==> ... of economic lectures in the colleges, (or) universities;for those who take (a) part-time or full-time job...
...has some economic en ducations organiz (s)ed by the University of Illinois...(your example is quite good, yet it will be more prettily if you complete with 5w1H --> help to increase your score)

==> Financial institutions are profitable institutions,so not only do they like(they not only like to do a)well(you can use good, instead) investments,but they ...

==> ... advice on how to set up a propriate (Appropriate or a proprietary?) spending and saving ...(try to extend your instance by using 5W1H)

==> Altho(u)gh some of them will make (the) profit from persuading people to ...
==> Though people have to read and listen with(to) basic economic knowledge ...
I think, (firstly) people can first go (can go after the education) for the education and then use what they learn in(the) practical world.

You did several typos, be careful when you were writing.
Good luck and keep writing :)
fauziyahtami   
Oct 10, 2016
Writing Feedback / Bird Migration - Animals normally move to a land to breeding [3]

Animals normally move to a land to breeding and move back to their habit to spend a whole of the year, this phenomenon called migration. Over the centuries, observers attracted to learn about bird migration. Nature shows how they respond the biological imperative for species to thrive and overspread into all possible ecological niche by migration that serves a decisive condition for a few species to breed and raising a baby.

Birds travel to higher traverse curing warm season to breeding and return back for non-breeding period. Migration offers the optimal condition to breeding and feeding. Most of the birds are migrated to Northern hemisphere. None of the species is known migrate to Southern hemisphere to breeding but seabirds.

Even though almost birds migration to the lower or higher latitudes of the Northern Hemisphere, there also many species are trans-equatorial, which means they breed in the Northern side and live in the Southern land. For example, the arctic tern that breeds in the arctic territory and winter in antarctic waters travels about 24,000 miles per year.

Some species take a short migration, such as breeding in the higher altitudinal, imminent or at the top of mountains and spend all the non-propagation season around by close neighbouring valley or the other nearby low country. This is the type of grouse species migration and also ptarmigan, an arctic grouse. The rock ptarmigan had never left the elevated arctic tundra while breeding season. They usually spend the breeding period at the top of the uncovering place arctic summit and the winter season in nearby valleys, bearing the coldest part on earth.

Most of the bird only can fly from six to eight hours per day across several hundred miles but sometimes they have to flights further if through long water flow or other condition such as deserts or mountain. Many species cross the Gulf of Mexico, for instance, they generally have to fly away continuously over 1,000 miles, to approximately 24 hours to 36 hours or longer. There is any non-stop bird use the bar-tailed godwit during migration, so they will cross over 11,000 miles from Alaska to New Zealand every year. Firstly, bodyweight needs to be upgraded to roughly 50 percent to fuel throughout the heavy trip.

The way birds manage the time properly to reach their destination has attracted observers to investigate it for over many decades. Investigators have been trying to learn about this behaviour. Many inventions found out that all migratory birds have the same ability to steer and an original drive to travel in a particular way. Nocturnal migrant is the one who flies at night, led by the star. When clouds coming up and cover up the stars, nocturnal migrant will confuse and may return back and digress. On the other side, there are several Diurnal migrants who fly following the sun. Diurnal migrants use the geographic feature for direction such as mountain ranges or seas coasts. Since night and day move regularly over the time, so the migratory birds have a sense of time.
fauziyahtami   
Oct 10, 2016
Writing Feedback / IDEAS WORTH DATING, ideas which will be matched with character, [3]

Helo rosa,
hope you doing well
well, you've done graet (great), yet lemme give you some suggestion

==> A 45-year-old white man was trying(tried) to uncover (...) which will be match(ed) with his character, (...) out of his comfort zone (as) home.

... people who he thought will have appropriate (his) visions with him .
==> .., Ron Finley (the one ) who believes that (...), because (since) (the) food is(gives)the(any) problem but food is also the solution, (Even though foods give some trouble but foods also be a solution) .

==> Then he moved(came) to meet Eric McKean - a dictionary editor- who (...) to put as much (many) words into the dictionary.
==> .., in his opinion, (a) human has
===> ... decision we have no power(which means)powerless means no change we will have (we cannot (change anything) .

Good luck and keep writing :)
fauziyahtami   
Oct 6, 2016
Writing Feedback / People have different views regarding the best age to learn new languages [3]

Dear Vina,
Hope you enjoy your night, yet lemme give you some suggestions

==> ... should start learning other languan ges and should not ...
==> However, this view may bring [...] disadvantages may occur in the later stages(you have mentioned this statement previously, I think you can straight to the point by reducing this sentence or mix both of sentence).

==> On the one hand, picking up a foreign ... They are more likely to speak it more confidently ...(I didn't get the relation between the first sentence and the further, perhaps you may strengthen your explanation by connecting both of sentences)

==> .., they may not facing(face) the cultural shock and able to (...) purpose like (such as) studying.
==>Obviously, they become more knowledgeable and more open-minded which ... (You have mentioned your idea and the explanation but there is no example, you have to add at least one heavy example)

==> On the other hand, graders studying only three or four years in the school (school? which level? primary or secondary school?) even at that moment do not ...

==> .., even if there are loose ends (you may complete your instance by using 5W 1 H, definitely, you already were known).
==> ... his native language perfectly, it is useless to learn a foreign dialect for him (what does it mean? students must be well known about their native language automatically, and what's the matter with a foreign dialect? it's possible to give more explanation or exacerbate your statement)

==> In conclusion, I believe that teaching a foreign language would be more appropriate at primary ... (you've done great, you have declared clearly. still, you can add support conclusion such as an advice, due to the benefits, government may force primary school gain a foreign language as a subject)

Good luck and keep writing vin :)
fauziyahtami   
Oct 6, 2016
Writing Feedback / Children can be introduced to a foreign language from their first years of study [3]

All children should study a foreign language in school starting in the earliest grades. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Some people from around the world think that a foreign language needs to be taught at the school since earliest grade. I firmly agree with this view that children can be introduced to foreign language from their first year, especially English as the international language.

According to the statement above that English needs to be taught to earliest school-age children. Due to the fact that children's brain can easily process several languages simultaneously with their intelligence development. Refer to Piaget's theory of cognitive development that Middle childhood is the best moment for the child to gain new skills including language skill. For instance, almost throughout the developed countries, students at kindergarten have been introduced to English by story-telling, sing a song during studying process. To result, this method had successfully devoted children's ability to speak bilingual. In addition, nowadays every technology is using English for every instruction. Giving a child a gadget is a notable to support child needs such as for education or even playing a game. By learning English at school, it drives child easily to using the gadget, so they have the ability to understand the instruction of the application on the gadget.

Nevertheless, an overseas language is a necessary for this decade, a teacher does not have to take a focus only on it, as children need social education rather than language education to build up their social environment and form the personality. At playgroup, for instance, the student not only learns about alphabet or number but also learn build friendship in their new environment, playing in a group which means tolerance is a must. This character formation will affect their future.

To concluded, I completely believe that an overseas language is a need that could be taught since the first-year school. Although English is an assertion for this develop the world, social education needs to be juxtaposed with language education.
fauziyahtami   
Oct 6, 2016
Writing Feedback / The authority is required to create publicity for familiarizing renewable sources of energy [3]

Hello abraham,
I do like read your essay
You have done great, yet let me give you some suggestion

==> ... authority is required to create publicity forfamiliarizing (familiarising) renewable sources of energy.
... that foster another resources will carry a large number of upsides(you can exacerbate your statement by adding support words, ie. especially to overcome global warming--> makes your statement getting stronger)

==>On the one hand. Firstly, the non-renewable energy ...
Afterward(s), these would be more accessible ...
. (You have given several intense benefits of alternative energy, yet from the former to the latter, you haven't given at least one real example and also the result of your instance)

==> ... solar power in Chinua region to fulfill society's needs especially electricity. After implementing this idea, Chinua society's life... (your statement clearly show up, you should have to make the paragraph before as clear as this passage)

==> In conclusion, (...) could be utiliz (s)ed due to its limitation.

Good luck and keep writing :)
fauziyahtami   
Oct 6, 2016
Writing Feedback / Government should pay more attention to the encouragement in altering the energy resources [3]

Hello Rizaldo,
I do like to read your essay. lemme give you some suggestion

... should be improved as the government(s) are the central attention...

To begin with, when the government support [...] be more effective and valuable to succeed.(what is the relationship between support for the energy resource changes and to obey more on obligation? I think you have to deepen your explanation, make it clear and connect) .

.., as the biggest greenhouse gases emitters, officially ratified the Paris Climate Change Agreement in September 2016, it will be the proof that government show the leadership and lead by example . (I think you can add the result of agreement, so it makes your statement stronger)

.., try to cut the use of coal for industries and give the choices to ... (how to cut the uses of coal? by regulation maybe. you can sharpen your example by using 5W 1 H) .

Overall you've done great.
Good luck and keep writing :)
fauziyahtami   
Oct 5, 2016
Writing Feedback / Some think that foreign language better to be taught since elementary school rather than high school [2]

Question:
Some experts believe that it is better for children to begin learning a foreign language at primary schools rather than secondary school.
Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?


Some people think that foreign language better to be taught since elementary school rather than high school. People have the different view about this statement. In this case, there are several advantages of this view but also have disadvantages.

To begin, foreign language is a necessary for modern worldwide population due to the fact that technology was growing up rapidly and using International language. The newest knowledge comes from around the world, for instance, new journal or news written in English. Secondly, according to the sentence before, children will easily upgrading their knowledge everywhere and anywhere, by using technology. Third, Children at primary school are more easily to receive overseas language than the secondary school. Finally, by learning a foreign language earlier, it can make student accustomed with the foreign language.

Nevertheless, learning International language at the first grade will heighten student education burden. Every semester, for example, students have to pass many subject exams including foreign language. By adding overseas language subject into a curriculum, it will confiscate their playing time to study instead. For example, they have to study language at school and do some assignment at home, while it can be uses for playing with their friends.

In conclusion, I firmly agree that foreign language rather be taught since primary school than at secondary school. The advantage of this view more than the disadvantages. According to the benefits, it can be a consideration to add International language subject at elementary school curriculum.
fauziyahtami   
Oct 4, 2016
Writing Feedback / SUMMARYS The colorful propaganda maps in 20 century wars [4]

Helo bams,
Hope you doing well, lemme give you some suggestion

==> Maps made to persuade to the public during war times were funy, attractive and informative( this sentence tend to make me confuse).
==> This is occurance(This occurred or happened) during 20 century, every maps has(was a) hidden agenda,
==> it is clear to convince to the public that war is must have and they has common enemies.(tend to make me confuse)
==> this map reveal detils(details) about politics, art and cultur(e) of the countries.
==> The main actor of this map revealed by (a) big octopus with (a) big body (which has a big body) and long tentacles (to) reaching out in all directions,..

==> ... European are depicted as (the) victim of Rusia colonialism. In addition, war map can be seen (as) international situation in one picture, and make fast the spread of information in the world(tend to make me confuse).

==> Pople will easy to (easily) understand the information but several persons it called propaganda(tend to make me confuse)

Good luck and keep writing :)
fauziyahtami   
Oct 4, 2016
Writing Feedback / TED summary- A New Way to Heal Hearts without Surgery [2]

One of a hundred child in a worldwide has some kind of heart disease. The problem starts during pregnancy. The fetus needs to survive by communicating with the system and pulmonary blood inside their mother. After child getting birth, the communication has to stop and if it doesn't close it will make a hole in the child's heart. This phenomenon caused by prematurity and genetics condition. Major surgery is the only one solution to close the hole, yet Mr. Frenz Freudenthal and team have found a way to solve this problem by using a coil. This method was a success but it doesn't work on the baby who lives at 12,000 feet high. They have different heart conditions, their orifice between the arteries is larger. The baby cannot afford to be treated and die. The coil is only success in a half of Bolivia. Mr. Frenz and team tried to make a new device by using a traditional weaving complex pattern. The weaving let them created a seamless device. The device designed with a smart material that will not rust. It works by expands itself to be a complex structure. The device enters to the baby through the natural channel. The doctor only carries on the device close to the catheter through the hole, it will expand and close the hole. This method is no need a surgery and only takes 30 minutes. They committed to make sure that no one child is left behind, so they started to develop a foundation with one to one model. Everyone device mounted, everyone free device will be given.

Source: ted.com/talks/franz_freudenthal_a_new_way_to_heal_hearts_without_surgery#t-524414
fauziyahtami   
Oct 4, 2016
Writing Feedback / Common Painkillers 'increase heart failure risk' [6]

Hi sari,
I do like read your summary, lemme give you some suggestion

==> ... towards people who (routinely/ often / regularly) consume NSAIDs (...) people who do not eat(consume/ use) this drug.
==> Researchers from (the) UK through survey study (...) countries such as UK (did you mean Britain or the whole UK?), Netherlands, Italy...
==> Patients should use this drug with caution(Patients who consume NSAID have to read the dosage instruction clearly),
==> for instance, high dose usage was avoided by them(Do not consume more than daily dosage) and (do not use for long period of time without doctor's supervision).

==> Study from BHF also revealed (that) painkiller is kind of (...) and patients who want to use painkiller should have previous discussion with their doctor(patient have to consult with doctor before use NSAID) , in order to avoid the worst damage(side effects) .

==> ... who consume the painkiller regularly their kidneys should be much concerned by them(should give much concern on their kidney) .
... for example, if they have inflammation indication(symptom) .

Good luck and keep writing :)
fauziyahtami   
Oct 3, 2016
Writing Feedback / Why helmets don't prevent concussions and what might; TED [6]

Bicycling is one of children concussion causes. The helmet hasn't assessed the ability to protect the brain from concussion. Helmets has not assessed for protection ability. Many experts believe that concussion cannot be prevented. Shortly, concussion process occurs when brain smacked with skull and getting damaged and injured. This theory is not all right since probably concussion is more than impact but deeper. There is a space inside of the brain, only a few millimeters from skull which contain cerebral spinal fluid. The function of spinal fluid is to protect the brain so that the brain just shifted slightly. The brain illustrated as a rigid object, but in fact, the brain is a softest organ. When the brain moves back and forward, the brain was twisting, turning and contorting and the tissues are getting starched. A concussion is unlikely something at the surface but something deeper in the center.

A simulation which recorded by mouth-guard showed the red spot. The red spot described that brain tissues are 50% starched from the particular area while the blue spot is around exterior has only 10 % starched. Corpus callosum is the lobes at the center of the brain. The ex-football player had larger lobes than normal. His corpus callosum getting chronic traumatic encephalopathy which had a lot of death tissue. The point of decrease concussion is to slow down our head movement.
fauziyahtami   
Oct 3, 2016
Writing Feedback / Global Population growth, box by box - new analog teaching technology [2]

Hello,
Lemme give you some suggestion

==> Hans Rosling was launching(had launched) a brand new analog teaching ...
==> the blue box contains (ed) one billion people that were for the industrialized world, and the green box has (had) two billion people that were for developing countries.

==> There was a big gap between [...] be able to buy a pair of shoes.(this sentence is too long, you can divide into two sentences)

==> .., and it's overdue to upgrade that(the) mindset and that (the) taxonomy of the ...

Good luck and keep writing :)
fauziyahtami   
Oct 3, 2016
Writing Feedback / Strangers are not dangerous - we should talk to them keeping in mind cultural differences [6]

Hello yonathan
Hope you doing well, lemme give you some suggestion

==> In many parts of the world (you can also use--> any parts, or in the worldwide) , people are raised (tended) to believe that stranger is dangerous.

==> But (in the opposite or on the other side or by contrast) , Kio stated that most (...) we have (to) erased the assumption and (the) category about(of) other people.

==> Categorise (categorize) people in physical (...) is not valid(Categorize people in physical appearance such as black or white is not proper)(Asian (people) cannot juxtaposed with black or white (colour) due to both of word had different meaning) and we have(to) seen another people as an individual.

==> When someone wishes(-->eager) (to) talks to stranger(,) one thing important (thing) is to realise about the culture where you live in. (adapt to the cultures where you stand on/ live in)

==> In several (-->few, certain) countries, people have more(a tight privacy) and easily getting annoyed (--> disturbed, upset) if annoyed if you(if someone) talk to them.

==>In other countries, it is rude(not polite/ impolite) to ignore people(someone) and you should (have to) build a conversation.
==>Talk(ing) to a dog or baby also ...

Good luck and keep writing :)
fauziyahtami   
Oct 3, 2016
Writing Feedback / TED Summary: A Rich Life with Less Stuff: The Minimalists [4]

Hi,
hope you doing well, lemme give you some suggestion

==> Unfortunately, the joyful he wished for had never beenthere (happened).
==> Luckily, Joshua Fields Millburn, whomthen becomes his partner in running a ...
==> did (gave) him a favor by introducing the concept of 'simplifying life', (introducing the) meaning (of) that living with less stuff, less stress, fewer --> for countable (less) distraction--> uncountable, you cannot use few ,

==> more time, more meaningful relationships, more growth, and contributions. Not a perfect life as defined by the most of people (such) as making much ...

==> Furthermore, ............. belongings which he managed to have over ...
==> then unpacked later for daily purpose that he needs only some items he needs for daily purposes .
==> This (is) finally woke him up, that how useless the rest of goods which supposed to make him happier. --> that the rest of goods ...

==> Realizing the importance of his life experiences, he then (then he) decided to start ...
Their first visitors were 52 people, and then turned (increased) in to 500 users,..

Good luck and keep writing :)
fauziyahtami   
Oct 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / Differences in rates of various evening courses at an adult education center [3]

Task 1- The number of women and men attending various evening courses

The bar chart provides the differences in rates of various evening course at an adult education center are attended by women and men in the year 2009 and the pie chart indicates the percentage of age group. Overall, Women tended to enroll language course while men tended to choose painting class. At first glance, it can be seen that most of course participant are in the 50+ age group.

In this case, woman who attended language class represented 40 percent in total followed by painting class. In the opposite, men made up the largest number in the painting class at around a quarter followed by language class at a fifth. Women who enroll sculpture accounted for the smallest number at around below one in twenty while men have the same number of drama and sculpture course at 10 percent.

Turning the pie chart, most of the participant of evening course was filled by the 50+ age group at 42 percent. However, the gap between 40-49 age group and 30-39 age group widened significantly with 26 percent of 40-49 age group compared to 16 percent for 30-39 age group. Participant in the under 20 age group was doubled narrow compared by 20-29 age group at 5 percent.




fauziyahtami   
Sep 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / Most of the money in Ireland, Italy, Spain, Sweden and Turkey went on food, drinks and tobacco [3]

The table provides the information on consumer spending on different items in several countries in 2002. Overall, there are five countries: Ireland, Italy, Spain, Sweden and Turkey. It can be seen that most of the money in five countries spent on food, drinks and tobacco, otherwise, Leisure/ education are the least and clothing/ footwear at the second place.

In 2002, Turkey has a significant proportion of Food, drinks, tobacco consumer spending than the other countries at 32,14 percent. Ireland was at the second place at 28,91 percent, followed by Spain at less than a fifth. Besides, Sweden has the smallest number at 15,77 percent. The middle column describes consumer spending of clothing/ footwear, where Italy was at the first position at 9 percent, followed by Turkey, Spain, and Ireland in a lower position. The smallest number has owned by Sweden at just over than 5 percent.

Interestingly, the percentage shows that Leisure/ education spending has the smallest number compared the others. In this case, Turkey also at the first position at 4,35 percent consumption. Spain has the fewest number at 1,98 percent. Second, third and fourth position respectively occupied by Sweden, Italy, and Ireland.





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