Writing Feedback / TED - Averting the Climate Crisis. Make the massive persuasion campaign. [3]

Hello Aris05

You need to adjust some of your sentences to sound more stylistically refined. Here are my suggestions:

In couple of days [...] In a few days, the temperature records for January have hit new highs.
Prior average [...] Whereas, the average temperature in January is 31 degrees, the last month it has reached 39.5 degrees.
There are [...] a number of reasons for this to be the case.
First of all [...] the US-based industries continue to contribute to global warming.
Then there are Cars and trucks [...] contribute to the process, as well - just as it is being the case with large buildings.
we canshould reduce [...] the emissions of carbon monoxide into the atmosphere.
Utilizing carbon [...] In this respect, using carbon calculator will come indispensable.
Next [...] Second, businesses can consider becoming carbon-free.
and active [...] and adopt an active political stance for that democracy could work.
Make the [...] Strive to persuade people to act in an environmentally friendly manner.

I hope this helped. Regards.

Writing Feedback / Summary of passage what is Ecotourism? [3]

Hello path83

I applied some adjustments to your text so that it sounds more stylistically refined:

Ecotourism [...] The concept of ecotourism has been around for the last two centuries.
It caused [...] The concept's emergence can be explained by the rising popularity of the environmentalist movement.
Thedefinition of ecotourism [...] implies that there are two dimensions to it - natural and cultural.
Some categories [...] It is commonly assumed that ecotourism serves the cause of protecting the natural environment.
Second, to social [...] you should consider removing this sentence - it doesn't make much sense.
And third [...] Ecotourists also strive to preserve the endangered species of animals.
The eco tourist [...] The concerned concept presupposes that people should switch to the renewable sources of energy.
At the time [...] Ecotourists can hardly be found onboard of cruise ships.
Since traveler [...] The conventional tourist industry should become more environmentally friendly, as well.
The last two sentences are hardly intelligible... I would've corrected them but it's quite unclear to me as to what did you want to say. You'll probably be better off removing them, as well.

I hope this came of help. Regards.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2 SEVERAL POINTS OF INTRODUCTION [2]

Hello Fazlur27

I rewrote some sentences for you so that they sound better (stylistically):

1.
Increasing world [...] The process of Globalization results in increasing the number of products made abroad, and establishing new transportation routes.
To address [...] While addressing the issue, I will elaborate on...
2.
These days [...] Nowadays, it became a commonplace practice in many countries to have children working for money.
However [...], there is a certain controversy to the issue - while some individuals argue that the concerned practice is thoroughly appropriate, others do not quite agree.

Therefore [...] I personally believe that being engaged in a paid job will prove utterly beneficial for children.
3.
Unpaid society attendance [...] Unpaid community service should indeed be mandatory in high schools.
To cite [...] Such service may include doing some charity work, teaching young children, and helping to improve the neighborhood.
I totally agree [...] You should consider removing this sentence - it's barely intelligible and it doesn't make any contextual sense either.

I hope this helped. Regards.

Writing Feedback / What is the most reasonable choice: to build impressive buildings or improving schools and hospitals [2]

Hello ekalamarsyari11

Your text will sound much more refined (stylistically) if you apply the following adjustments to it:

Most citizens think [...] Many people believe that the government should invest in erecting large and impressive buildings.
While Others [...] think that it is more important to allocate funds to building schools and hospitals.
However, in my view [...] I personally believe that building schools and hospitals should be prioritized.
Spectacular buildings [...] do serve as the city's landmarks - many people from...
to witness [...] to observe...
Therefore [...] it is indeed thoroughly reasonable to assume that large and impressive buildings do help a city to generate some substantial income.
In addition, constructing [...] such buildings will contribute towards making the affiliated residents more proud of their city.
Also it can be [...] This sentence doesn't make much sense... you should consider removing it.
On the other hand [...] by constructing the educational and health care facilities, the government is able to improve the overall quality of people's life.

In many part of the world, [...] This, in turn, is the necessary precondition for a particular country to be considered developed.
improving quality
improving quality and quantity [...] increasing the number of schools... should prove beneficial.
both: [...] designing some truly impressive buildings and increasing the number of not so impressive but vitally important educational and health care facilities, are equally important.

I hope this helped. Regards.

Writing Feedback / I disagree with the statement that getting a job that we love will make us happy [2]

Hello Fadhilahumar91

Your text could use being improved stylistically. The suggested adjustments are as follows:

They [...] would... to get attain... through becoming rich, getting married, or securing the job that they like.
In the present time [...] Nowadays, many inhabitants individuals... strive to experience the sensation of happiness by the mean of becoming professionally self-actualized.
In contrast, I disagree... [...] This sentence doesn't make any sense - you need to specify the statements that you disagree with.
Getting a job [...] Building a professional career can be definitely considered a pathway towards happiness.
high stress [...] highly stressed... while working with passion.
does not guarantee [...] one's continual happiness.
Those in the world [...] this sentence if redundant... you better remove it.
the highest [...] point in his or her career may well end up experiencing depression, which in turn will cause the concerned person to seek psychotherapy.

In contrast [...], many of those individuals who have failed at securing a well-paid job do seem to be rather happy with life.
happiness is not [...] about getting a highly desirable job.
Happiness is about [...] enjoying life, as it comes.

I hope this helped. regards.

Writing Feedback / Obesity has been proven to trigger many illnesses in children [3]

Hello Faridadwi18

Some of the sentences sound little awkward. I adjusted them to sound as follows:

Obesity [...] has been proven to trigger many illnesses in children.
Between 1995 and 2011 [...] the rate of obesity in children has increased from...
The increasing [...] Such an alarming trend causes the government to be willing to apply an additional effort into tackling the issue.
The plans are [...] The currently used approach, in this respect, is to encouraging students to be physically active... and to eat products that are low on sugar [...], such as yogurt...

In the first year [...] It is hard to tell what are you referring to in this sentence.
to support [...] acquire sports equipment... (breakfast club) (??).
On the other hand [...] Even many people are highly critical of such government's strategy, it will continue being enacted because...

I hope this helped. Regards.

Writing Feedback / "writing task II" people replace cars --- riding bicycles. In other cities, people prefer [2]

Hello RezaAnandatama17

Your text will sound much more refined (stylistically) if you rewrite some of the sentences as suggested below:

Cycling [...], as the alternative way of getting around, is now becoming increasingly popular with more and more people.
Such phenomenon [...] this sentence is redundant.. you should consider removing it.
While I argue [...] In my opinion, cycling is indeed beneficial in a variety of different ways. For example, this particular method of transportation naturally endorses its affiliates to lead a healthy lifestyle. It also helps to keep road traffic uncongested.

Keeping health [...] Riding bicycles allows people to stay in good physical shape.
A recent study [...] According to the 2015 study... by indulging in the concerned activity, individuals are able to keep their bodies toxin-free.
Such beneficial [...] Cycling also helps people to cope with stress.
in their daily activities .[...] no need for this.
A part from [...] Moreover, bike riders will never end up stuck in traffic jams.
seven out of ten commuters [...] prefer to use bicycles.
As result of this [...] This once again confirms the sheer beneficence of riding bicycles for people.
as dwellers live [...], They prevent [...] these two sentences do not make much sense... I'm not sure what you're trying to say.
It is imperative [...] important to encourage people to consider cycling, as the alternative method of transportation.

I hope this helped. Regards.

Writing Feedback / History of the Circus (Summarize) [2]

Hello

I applied some stylistic adjustments to your text so that it sounds better:

There has [...] Ever since the ancient times, there have been many ways to keep the public entertained - a circus is one of them.
It was first founded in [...]invented by... Romans [...] in...
exotic animals show [...] exhibits, held at the Circus Maximus in Rome, used to be very popular among spectators.
After century [...] Following the collapse of the Roman Empire in the 5th century AD, the site...
It made [...] The task of keeping the public entertained was delegated to the bands of traveling artists.
They catered [...] Clowns, jugglers, mimes, and animal trainers used to deliver entertainment in a variety of different ways.
In its dark ages [...] During the Dark Ages.... leisure time [...], which resulted in the decline of a circus, as the form of public entertainment.
and made [...] a speedy revival during the eighteenth century.
in [..] the late...
After his death [...] a circus has found its way to America.
In the early 1800s [...], performers decided to use portable tents.

I hope this helped. Regards.

Writing Feedback / "One Second Everyday" - Summary TED talks [2]

Hello Faridadwi18

I applied some adjustments to your text so that it sounds more professionally written. They are as follows:

After work [...] It is a commonplace assumption that people do need to take some time off from work on a regular basis so that they can travel or spend time with their families.

Cesar Kuriyama [...] is an advertisement artist, who came up with the idea of... (I would've corrected the rest of this sentence, but it is not clear what did you refer to...)

The purpose of the project [...] is to make it easier for people to remember what they have done in the past.
The last reason [...] After all, most individuals do not bother to capture the moments of their lives on video, especially if there is nothing exciting to be filmed.

When Cesar [...] made a point in trying to lead an interesting lifestyle.
The video actually [...] This sentence is hardly intelligible... try to break it in two so that it'll be easier to make some sense out of it.

but they [...] can still have all their memories well preserved.
record [...] recorded... who [...] at the time was hospitalized due to...
By taking 'hard' videos [...] Ceasar is able to appreciate...
He [...] strives to make his videos as realistic, as possible.

I hope this came of help. Regards.

Writing Feedback / Writing Task 2 (unit 2 Workbook CECI) Healthy lifestyle for some people in modern world [2]

Hello ZiadRasyid24

You should consider doing a bit more reading in English - this should help you to get a 'feel' of this language. Your text is understandable, but it could use being refined stylistically. I rewrote some of the featured sentences for you to exemplify what I mean.

In advanced era [...] Nowadays, many people believe that it is quite impossible for them to be employed on a full-time basis and to lead a healthy lifestyle at the same time.

In my opinion [...], trying to accomplish such an objective is indeed rather challenging.
However [...], as practice shows, there are quite a few individuals capable of combining full-time employment with being physically active.
it seems [...] that the lack of time does prevent many people from trying to stay in good physical shape.
Although [...] However, there can be hardly any good excuse for individuals to refrain from paying attention to their health. One of the things that they can do, in this respect, is to switch to eating organic food.

I hope this came of help. Regards.

Writing Feedback / Life: How Barbershop can Keep men Healthy [4]

Hello grintdevereaux30

Some of the sentences in your text sound a bit awkward. I corrected them as follows:

is not only the place [...] where they can have their hair trimmed, but also...
A place that [..] where people can get away from all the stress, triggered by those problems that that they experience at work.
is also a place [...] where attendees learn about loyalty and trust.
In every visiting a barbershop [...]While at a barbershop, people will indulge in holding conversations with each other.
to be relax... with the others... aven [...]and...
The people [...] When at a barbershop, visitors are in the position to talk at length on the subjects of politics...
But [...] However, the most commonly discussed topics are health-related.
Many time [...] While getting their haircuts, people like to talk about what they eat and about what accounts for the pathway towards healthiness.
Especially for the black men [...] Black men tend to complain about having a high blood pressure, which is explainable given the relevant statistical data.
Sometimes people [...] It is a commonplace practice among many people to end up going to see a doctor or pharmacist after they have been to a barbershop.

I hope this will help. Regards.

Writing Feedback / TED talk: Under water explorer - cave diver [4]

Hello Fadhilahumar91

I applied some corrections to your text so that it will sound much more stylistically refined:

most specific [...] Specifically, she specializes in cave diving.
There are Many people [...] believe that diving is dangerous while assuming that it is pitch-dark inside of a cave.
But, it is not true [...] This, however, is not quite the case.
She [...] Jill is the first female diver that was able to explore some deepest caves beneath the earth.
and explored [...] how does the ice form.
Jill said that [...] the bottom of the sea is like a sponge.
There some [...] are many life forms can be found living even in some deepest underwater caves.
The Divers using [...] use...
Re-breather is equipment [...] is a part of the professional equipment for diving. [the rest of the sentence is hardly intelligible... you should probably just remove it. Try to write simpler sentences for now]

tofor making 3D maps by using... until the surface [...] no need for this.
Jill discovered [...] many endemic species, as well as those that used to be considered extinct.
It is unusua l [...] Some of the discovered life forms are eyeless because they dwell in constant darkness.
based on the vassal records in extinction in dinosaurs [...] It is unclear as to what you're trying to say by that.
It help [...] Jill's discoveries should help biologists to gain a better understanding of the laws of evolution.

The last three sentences are hardly understandable, as well. You should probably just say: "Jill's discoveries did contribute rather substantially towards enlightening people on what the underwater world is all about".

I hope it helped. Regards.

Writing Feedback / Summary TED Talks : 5 ways to be a good listener [2]

Hello Faridadwi18

I applied a few stylistic adjustments to your text so that it sounds more professionally written. They are as follows:

is making meaning [...] sense
The ability of human [...] One's brain can process up to 60% of the incoming sounds, but most people use only 25% of their capacity, in this respect.

It is danger [...] This, in turn, puts people at risk of losing...
It makes world become a danger world . [...] no need for this sentence - it is hardly intelligible.
There will be many wars [...] In the long run, such a situation will result in triggering the outbreaks of more wars on this planet - all due to the lack of mutual understanding between people.

The effect of this [...] You should consider rewriting this sentence - it's not clear what did you have in mind coming up with it.

How to improve [...] How should individuals go about trying to improve their listening skills?
First way with silence [...], people need to keep quiet for at least 3 minutes a day to...
Second with mixer [...] they should pay attention to just about everything that is being said around them while trying to memorize as many things, as possible.

Third [...], people must learn how to single out the most important ideas in whatever they listen to.
Fourth [...], individuals need to assume a proper listening position.
The last way [...] Fifth, they must remain mindful of the RASA (Receive, Appreciate, Summarize, Ask) principle.
By a good listening [...] By becoming apt listeners, people will be able to contribute towards making this world a better place to live.

I hope this helped. Regards.

Writing Feedback / TED Summary : "How to speak so that people want to listen" by Julian Treasure [2]

Hello

I rewrote some sentences for you so the text sounds more stylistically refined:

There are many reasons [...] as to why people sometimes find it difficult paying attention what others say...
This circumstance [...], in turn, is often caused by the fact that some individuals are little too preoccupied with gossiping, self-righteous judging, complaining...
While gossip [...] gossiping, people experience a hard time trying to be mindful of the issues that really do matter.
Negativity [...] When thinking negative, individuals cannot help but to become ever more reluctant taking care of their professional responsibilities.
Lying [...] One's tendency to lie and land dogmatic judgements on others makes it more difficult for him or her to act as the society productive member.

The manner [...] Such a situation can be addressed by the mean of taking advantage of the HAIL principles...
In addition [...] This sentence is unintelligible and out of context... I think you should just remove it.
People who [...] Those who strive to win the attention of others, must be mindful of the surrounding environment.

I hope this will help. Regards.

Writing Feedback / "The jobs we'll lose to machines and the ones we wont" Anthony Goldbloom. TED [2]

Hello

I applied a few adjustments to the text so that it sounds better and makes more sense. They are as follows:

Machine learning [...] What is that? Did you mean 'computerized learning'?
that gives a dramatic [...] made possible by recent scientific breakthroughs.
Some people argue [...] that this technology will eventually result in replacing manual laborers with robots... others [...] think that such a scenario is highly unlikely.
In the early 90s [...], it became quite clear for many people that machines were going to replace humans in a number of different professional pursuits.

In the past [...] Whereas, teachers can read thousands of essays, machines (computers?) are capable of performing the same task much more efficiently.
It can be concluded [...] Therefore, it is indeed fully appropriate to conclude that machines do outperform humans in a variety of different ways.
machines cannot handle [...] the tasks that they have not been designed to address.
In result, they.. . [...] This sentence is unintelligible - you should consider removing it.
Currently, it can. ..[...] It's the same with this sentence too - I really don't understand what you're trying to say. I recommend that you should try writing simpler sentences for now.

I hope it helped. Regards.

Writing Feedback / TED Summary: Inside The Mind of A Master Procrastinator by Tim Urban [2]

Hello

I think it'll make more sense if you try constructing some simpler sentences for now. I applied some stylistic/grammar adjustments to the text so that it sounds better. They are as follows:

There are two kindstypes of people - Procrastinators, who tend to put off doing things, and non-Procrastinators, who make a deliberate point in addressing different tasks as soon, as possible.

While both [...] There are both: similarities and differences between the former and the latter.
Tim Urban [...] shows what are the three elements that define one's stance in life, in this respect.
the procrastinator's brain [...] The mind of a procrastinator seeks instant gratification...
and just think [...] focuses on having fun.
He is always [...] A procrastinator exists in the 'make sense' domain...
Moreover, rational decision-maker [...] This sentence doesn't make much sense... you should consider removing it.
He makes all [...] A non-Procrastinator, on the other hand, acts much more responsibly - such a person always tries to have things done on time.

In addition, the panic monster [...] It's really unclear what you're trying to say here.
He is the [...]The fear of being late is the only thing...
everyone is becoming [...] everybody are procrastinators to an extent.

You should probably remove the last two sentences, as well. They hardly fit to be a part of Conclusion.

I hope you'll find it helpful. Regards.

Writing Feedback / TED Summary, the skill of self confidence from Dr. Ivan Joseph [3]

Hello

Your text will sound much better if you apply the following adjustments to it:

What is the [...] importance of...
Some people [...] believe that...
This sentence [...] suggestion refers to the fact that, for as long as a particular person does not have much self-confidence, he or she will not be able to achieve many things in life.

all tasks [...], regardless of how difficult they may seem.
that this skill [...] could be acquired through training.
method [...] methods... is practicing, as there is nothing inborn to the sense of self-confidence.
By doing so [...] By becoming a committed practitioner of self-confidence, one will be able to address the seemingly impossible challenges of life, which in turn should make the concerned individual even more self-confident.

However, this usually depend on him/herself because [...] This part of the sentence is unnecessary... you should consider removing it.
Other way [...] Another way to acquire self-confidence is to make sure that the academic assignments are returned to teacher error-free.
are the effective steps [...] is the effective strategy to succeed, in this respect.
secure the this skill [...] such a skill.

I hope you'll find it helpful. Regards.

Writing Feedback / Do you ever heard about Superfood? [5]

Hello

I applied a few adjustments (mostly stylistic) to your text so that it sounds better. They are as follows:

Have [...] Having a healthy body is not an easy thing to accomplish.
which promise [...] that it is quite possible to have a healthy body, without having to lead a physically active lifestyle.
people believe [...] that by consuming some kind of 'superfood' they will be able to stay in shape. (the rest of the sentence is redundant).
In the Oxford Dictionary [...] defines 'superfood' as...
In the contrary [...] Quite to the contrary...
said that [...] no need for this.
has a big influence [...] on people's eating habits.
They use [...] Marketers usually exploit famous celebrities with super slim bodies to promote 'superfood'.
But actually [...] However...
many conventional types of food which [...] need to be consumed on a daily basis and we cannot...
Superfood [...] By eating 'superfood', people will not be able to become physically fit.

I hope this helped. Regards.

Writing Feedback / CBEST prompt- Restriction on how many years a teacher may teach the same subject or grade level? [6]

Hello

Please, consider applying the following stylistic adjustments:

setting [...] assigning... year [...] years...
Some [...] people believe that it is very likely for teachers to become frustrated while teaching the same subject for years on end.
Others believe that [...] teachers will benefit from doing this because it should help them to work out their unique teaching style.
After [...] having contemplated the issue... I think [...] I came to conclude that it should prove beneficial for educators to specialize in teaching a particular subject...

for teachers to [...] become thoroughly familiar with...
Teachers [...] rarely gain any experience if not provided with the opportunity to teach the same subject for a number of years.
without [...] relying on any notes.
to achieve [...] to become an expert in the field, unless he or she is willing to apply a continual effort in becoming ever more knowledgeable of the taught subject.

Secondly [...] Also, one's continual affiliation with the same subject allows the concerned person to experiment with different teaching styles.
modify the [...] teaching strategies...
and find the best way to teachyou should just remove this part o the sentence - it's redundant.
noticed [...] notices...
he can [...] he or she will always be able to...
Thirdly [...] Finally, teachers will experience less stress if...
Teacher [...] Teachers should only be allowed to teach alongside the lines of their professional specialization.
Being pressured [...] to teach some unfamiliar subject...
he will [...] feel confident enough to...
the better [...] would be his professional performance.

I hope this helped. Regards.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL practice 1 - sports and social activities are just as important as classes and libraries [2]

Hello

Your text is easily understandable, but you could still consider applying some stylistic adjustments to it. Some of them are as follows;

should spend [...] provide more financial support, in order to ensure that the educational process is not hampered in any technical way.
helping students [...] it is just as important to provide students with the opportunity to attain social skills.
Furthermore [...] After all, students will indeed benefit rather substantially from indulging in sports and leading a socially integrated lifestyle.
Playing sports ... [...] represent some good ways for students to...
After concentrating [...] having concentrated on... and don't [...] failed to achieve the expected objectives...
in this time [...] At this time... (new sentence)
would be [...] will prove throughly approprite.
I would suggest you go through the rest of the text on your own (it will do good for you), trying to: a) simplify the sentences (some of them sound a bit unintelligible, due to their sheer length), b) adjust the use of the 'continuous present' tense to be consistent with the applicable grammar rules.

I hope this helped. Regards.

Writing Feedback / Students learn better when they are not threatened with possible failure. Do you agree or disagree. [3]

Hello

Your text is comparatively well written, but you should consider rephrasing some sentences in it (for stylistic reasons) as follows:

Everybody [...] Not everyone may find learning easy.
The process [...] What adds to the issue is that every person must be taught in a manner most suitable for him or her.
Some students [...] are motivated to study by their realization of what might happen if they fail, in this respect. For others, however, the prospect of an educational failure does not represent much of a motivation at all.

instead of [...] being motivated, they will end up discouraged.
Not every [...] This sentence is rather unintelligible... You could just say : 'Because every person on this Earth is unique, there can be no universally applicable incentives for learning.

Whenever [...] When facing the prospect of failure, these students experience adrenalin rush, which in turn helps them to complete their academic assignments.
getting motivate i get panic [...] becoming motivated I get panicky... and my body begins to function differently...
for most of procrastinator [...] for most procrastinators...
They start do [...] feel much better motivated when...
or are [...] when...
one of my friend [...] friends...
and never [...] and who used to never submit his assignments on time, would act much differently upon being threatened by a teacher.
But on the other hand [...] On the other hand, however, there are students (like myself) who prefer to be encouraged to study in a polite and non-threatening manner.

Personally, for me, i learn better [...] I personally learn better when... [...] rather than when exposed to the prospect of failure.

I hope this helped. Regards.

Writing Feedback / This is a religious meditation. It talks about our received graces. [5]

Hello

I rewrote some sentences and applied a few corrections so that the text sounds better. They are as follows:

It seems [...] It appears we do reflect upon ourselves as often as we should have.
Because of that [...] Therefore, it comes as no surprise that we rarely appreciate God's graces.
So, it [...] As a result, many of us feel...
We forgot [...] tend to forget that what we are already having is more than we deserve to receive from God.
In fact [...] God owes us nothing.
live [...] life...
sons [...] and daughters.
Nobody has [...] this sentence is better removed - it's rather awkward and can be hardly corrected.
It witnesses [...] Everyone will benefit immensly from being on good terms with God (is that what you wanted to say?).
ourselves [...] and...
every [...] moment.
there are situations [...] when we feel miserable and completely deprived of any hope in life.
not given [...] up on us and He is always there to help.
We are not [...] to suffer alone...

I hope it helped. Regards.

Writing Feedback / Daily tasks without meeting people face to face - effects it may have on individuals and the society [2]

Hello

There are a few stylistic/grammar adjustments that can be applied to your text. They are as follows:

Today [...] Nowadays, one can go about taking care of his or her daily professional duties, such as...[...] without having to interact with people physically.
This is due [...] Such a development was made possible by the ongoing technological progress.
there are some [...] other effects...
The [...] lack...
leads [...] causes...
They relish [...] One of the reasons for this is that those addicted to the internet become increasingly incapable of indulging in the face-to-face type of socialization with others.

Furthermore [...] As a result, these people tend to apply an individualistic approach to dealing with life challenges.
Hence [...] the society's integrity is being undermined from within.
become dependence [...] dependent...
of their time [...] looking at the computer screen...
the relation [...] relationships... [...] become increasingly formal.
The harmonization [...] within a family is nearly impossible, as its members are completely preoccupied with their hi-tech gadgets.
has helped the society [...] to remain on the path of socio-cultural advancement.
However [...] people should not grow overly dependent on technology.

I hope this helped. regards.

Writing Feedback / Topic: Leading countries must contain a majority of elderly people. Do you agree with? [2]

Hello

Your text does make certain sense but it could use being improved stylistically. The suggested adjustments are as follows:

Some people [...] believe that the percentile ratio of senior citizens in a particular country positively relates to the measure of this country's social and economic well-being.

But I believe [...] I do not agree with this point of view. It is specifically the percentile ratio of adolescents that should be taken into consideration, in this respect.

Firstly [...] First... [...] elderly people are mostly retired, whereas youths actively seek employment.
For example [...] Brits tend to retire while comparatively young - something that contributes to the rise of unemployment in the UK.
you can [...] could..
Because everybody [ ...] The reason for this is that most people in Britain are not particularly hard-working.
Unemployment [...] The unemployed citizens spend most of their time doing drugs and drinking alcohol.
As I mentioned [...] No need for this sentence - it's redundant.
However [...] Thus, it appears that the countries with the large population of senior citizens cannot be considered very advanced, by definition.
I claim [...] believe that the more there are young people in a particular country, the more competitive it is.
determining the [...] developmental level...
should refer to [...] be concerned with...
I don't agree [...] with the idea that the most economically advanced countries must feature a large population of elders.
But as you can [...] This sentence is not very intelligible.. you should remove it.

I hope this helped. Regards.

Writing Feedback / Help me with this essay. Essay about "Teaching method" [3]

Hello

Your text will sound much better is you apply the following adjustments to it:

In the past [...] lectures used to account for the only method of teaching...
Nowadays [...], this effectively ceased to be the case due to the rise of new technologies.
Nowadays [...] this sentence is redundant - you should remove it.
I think [...] that there are both: advantages and disadvantages to the development in question.
On the one hand [...] very awkward and unnecessary sentence - remove it.
First [...] The main advantage is that new technology... more excited [...] exciting for students.
Secondly [...] Also, the technologically intense learning environment eliminates a need for teachers to use a blackboard.
On the other hand [...], however, it will prove much harder for teachers who rely on technology too excessively to inspire students.
Moreover [...], some older teachers may experience difficulties while trying to take full advantage of the newly emerged educational technologies.
In conclusion [...], it will make much sense combining both of the mentioned educational approaches together.

I hope it helped. Regards.

Writing Feedback / We can't affirm that the living certain place is better. [3]

Hello hohien

Your text will sound better if you apply the following adjustments to it:

I am [...] still have not decided whether I should reside in the city or the countryside after I find myself in the position to afford buying a house.

Many consider [...] people believe that...
But [...] However, I do not completely agree...
Firstly [...] this sentence is out of place... you should remove it.
Therefore [...] the same applies to this sentence also.
Having person [...] Some people think that by living in the urban area they will have a better chance to make a career.
Others [...] believe that it will be easier for them to attain social prominence while leading the lifestyle of a rural dweller.
is up to [...] depends on one's personality.
With the [...] Those who prefer peace and quiet are more likely to choose moving to the rural area.
an active person [...] those who like to socialize with people actively, will be naturally prompted to consider residing in the city.
In this circumstance [...] this sentence is redundant.
Last but not least [...] one's decision to choose in favor of either an urban of a rural lifestyle is affected by the concerned person's age.

I believe [...] that older people are much more emotionally comfortable with the idea of living in the countryside.
At that time [...] One of the reasons for this is that older people like to have some quiet time to themselves.
So, they usually [...] enjoy gardening, inhaling fresh air, and having solitary walks - the essential part of one's rural lifestyle.
This is the happiest things [...] no need for this sentence.
To sum up...
So, we can't [...] it is quite impossible to come up with any definitive statement, in this respect.

I hope this helped. Regards.

Writing Feedback / The construction of public parks or a sport field for students? Proper funding allocation. [4]

Hello Yoyang

You could use the suggested stylistic adjustments to make the text more readable. They are as follows:

First of all [...] The government will be able to improve people's living standards by the mean of investing in the construction of public parks.

Inhabitants [...] Individuals...
There are [...] is...
Inhabitants surrounding [...] Those who live close to the park like to go...
the park [...] has not always been such a nice place.
and everyone was [...] people used to be very reluctant moving to live nearby due...
Since [...] the city's new mayor took over the office in 1990...
satisfied with their life [...] - not the least because of these houses' proximity to the park.
public parks also can [...] public parks can also be used by people for playing basketball...
government takes sport fields [...] the rest of this sentence is not very intelligible... did you want to say: "the government builds parks to be enjoyed by all the people indiscriminately"?

people with every age level [...] of all ages...
would like [...] was going to...
the inhabitants was desired that [...] residents indicated their desire to have these fields open to the general public.
Their reason [...] They reasoned this would bring more people to the area.
have been [...] made available...
Hence [...] Thus, the government...

I hope this came of help for you. Regards.

Writing Feedback / People tend to buy some goods which are not essential for them, even being short of money. IELTS2 [3]

Hello

Your text is nicely written. However, a few sentences in it are unnecessarily complex - this affects readability. I applied some stylistic adjustments to the text so that it sounds better. They are as follows:

The majority [...] Most people tend to buy non-essential things without being able to afford it.
this bad [...] such behaviour has to do with the affiliated individuals childhood period.
Besides [...] this sentence is somewhat unintelligible and it doesn't quite connect to the previous ones... you may want to remove it.
To begin [...] First, it appears that the history of being given gifts when a child, does have a strong effect on the person's purchasing behaviour.

This is [...] The reason for this is that one's childhood memories do have much influence on how he or she acts.
Secondly [...] We can speculate that by purchasing non-essential things people strive to address their childhood anxiety of wanting to acquire something while not having money to be able to afford it.

Similar with [...] this sentence is redundant... you should remove it.
the unsatisfied willingness [...] desire will trigger the shopaholic type of behavior in adults.
Despite that [...] Technology (credit cards) contributes towards the situation, as well.
It is irrefutable [...] After all, having a credit card will naturally tempt a person to buy things that he or she would normally not be able to afford.

Restrict [...] In this respect, it will make much sense imposing additional criteria for people to qualify to be issued a credit card.
As a result [...] she thought twice before deciding to buy a particular product.
it gives an impact [...] it will impact their attitude in the future.
The most possible [...] plausible solution, in this respect, would be avoiding...

I hope this helped. Regards.

Writing Feedback / (TOEFL) Are people earning a lot of money qualified as a successful person? [3]

Hello elisa27

Your text is nicely written, but you could use applying some stylistic adjustments. They are as follows:

inappropriate [...] to judge one's successfulness by how much money she or he happen to have in the bank.
examples to [...] substantiate the validity of this suggestion.
since [...] the time he was a child.
Instead of giving up [...] he would he would get up at four in the morning and...
he has become [...] became... in Asia and [...] to take part in many of...
The most of all [...] no need for this
he not [...] He does not only encourage... but also [...] to stay focused on fulfilling their dreams.
influence [...] affects...
control [...] of...
she refused [...] to remain silent and actively fought for her right to receive education.
She wrote [...] the article about how people in Afganistan are being denied basic human rights and it attracted...
was shoot [...] wounded...
from [...] her...
continued [...] on with activism.
owner [...] winner.
suppression [...] oppression.
As long [...] For as long as people have a positive effect on others...
thing [...] that...

I hope it helped. Regards.

Writing Feedback / The FAMILY. As a beginner, I need your help so much. More importantly, my examination is coming [2]

Hello thanhlac98

Overall, your text is nicely written, but a few things could be improved. The suggested adjustments (mostly stylistic) are as follows:

It can [...] is commonly assumed that one's family if the most important thing in his or her life.
reasons [...] as to why it happened to be the case.
that might [...] are expected to prepare a young person for adulthood.
Secondly [...] Moreover...
accepts [...]you for...
you feel [...] at ease while socializing with your close relatives.
That is because [...] The reason for this is that...
behind you [...] providing you with much-needed support through the difficult times.
You see [...] This could not be otherwise - parents love their children unconditionally.
The last reason [...] Finally, while remaining in close touch with their family members, people feel motivated to act in the socially appropriate manner.
They not only [...] Our relatives are there to inspire us to apply an active effort in trying to accomplish things in life.
lots of [...] no need for this .
so that they [...] their children may have a better chance to attain social prominence.
Generally [...] Overall...
and we[...] will be much better off recognizing the importance of the family-related matters.

I hope it helped. Regards.

Writing Feedback / "teaching children at home is best for a child's development" - do you agree with this statement? [3]

Hello VadimKlimenko

Your text is very refined, as it is, but you could still use applying some stylistic adjustments to it, They are as follows:

Despite [...] the fact that such variables as the amount of free-time on parents' hands or their income do affect...
from [...] through...
On the [...] one hand...
other pupils [...]peers of the same age.
not only [...] some specific...
but also [...] what accounts for the socially appropriate behavioral pattern.
it's [...] it is...
than to [...] be considered an expert in some narrow professional field...
going to school [...] is much better of an educational strategy...
a small person [...] an adolescent learns how to be a productive citizen.
spent years [...] most of their time...
were not exposed [...] denied the opportunity to socialize with others, will be much more likely to have trouble trying to make friends and...
My neighbor's son, who... [...] exemplifies the validity of this suggestion.
in the school [...]...
in last classes [...] through his senior years.

I hope it helped. Regards.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2 The internet makes human lives more convenient [7]

Hello

Your text is easy to understand, but you could use refining it stylistically:

Human activities [...] It is now so much easier for people to address their daily tasks, because of the internet technologies.
creates [...] induces negative behavior in people...
While the [...] Even though the Internet does prompt some individuals to grow lazy, its main role is concerned with increasing people's knowledge about the surrounding reality.

This is because [...] The reason for this is that...
experienced [...] remember... and this would prevent us from reading the book.
experience is [...] that one should not rely on the Internet.
accessing [...] browsing through...
if they used [...] use...
it is unavoidable [...] it is also the fact that...
with easy way [...] with ease.
Therefore [...] the implementation of the Internet will indeed result in making people's lives much more enjoyable.
encourages [...] encourage
a great influence [...] on people because it makes so much easier to distribute information.
Therefore [...] the actual outcome of becoming closely affiliated with the Internet depends on every individual user.

I hope it helped. Regards.

Writing Feedback / I'm convinced that parents aren't the best teacher; they are less professional than qualified tutors [4]

Hello

Your text is easy to understand, but you could use applying some adjustments to it so that it sounds better. They are as follows:

Children [...] tend to regard their parents as role models.
The parent [...] One of the reasons for this is that parents are in charge of teaching their children some basic social skills.
While [...] Whereas most people tend to believe that parents are the best teachers, I personally disagree with this point of view.
because they [...] spend much more time with their children, as compared to what it is being the case with school teachers.
Because of that [...] parents are supposed to be thoroughly aware of what accounts for their children's personality.
from Gadjah Mada University [...] shows that those parents who socialize with their children on a constant basis, are likely to have a good understanding of what their young ones aspire for in life.

excellent [...] bright
some reasons [...] to think that the mentioned opinion is not completely valid.
Firstly [...] First, as opposed to school teachers, most parents are unaware of the theories of teaching.
Actually [...] This is likely to influence children later in their lives.
something [...] sometimes
Several [...] Many parents prove unable of exercising full control over their children.
from life have [...] has a greater effect on our lives than the knowledge...
although [...] parents do, in fact, exert much influence on their children, I do not think that the former have what it takes to be deemed thoroughly effective teachers.

I hope it helped. Regards.

Writing Feedback / Children should be encouraged to study a foreign language from elementary schools already [4]

Hello ahmad_zuli

I applied some corrections to your text so that it sounds better. They are as follows:

Many [...] people believe that children should be encouraged to study a foreign language since the time when they enroll in elementary schools.
Personally [...], I do agree with the idea.
Becouse [...] -you should remove this sentence - it's unintelligible .
On one hand [...], I do agree with those who claim that the sooner a child begins to learn a foreign language, the better.
Then [...] It is understood, of course, that the learning process should be adjusted to correlate with the cognitive abilities of every particular child.
For example [...] I'm not sure what you're trying to say here.
Therefore [...] parents should strive to make sure that their children begin to learn a foreign language as soon, as possible.
In other word [...] People should work out a habit of memorizing foreign words whenever is possible.
Even though [...] - This sentence doesn't make any sense. I would've rewritten it, but i have a hard time understanding what you're trying to say.

This method [...] can be applied universally.
Therefore [...] it represents the matter of crucial importance to ensure that children learn a foreign language in the strongly interactive manner.
should start [...] as early, as possible. (cut the rest of the sentence).
Where possible [...] This sense again makes very little sense. You should spend more time socializing with native speakers so that you're able to acquire the 'sense' the language.

I hope it helped. Regards.

Writing Feedback / Workers are more satisfied when they have many different types of tasks to do during the workday tha [4]

Hello

I applied a few adjustments to the text so that it sounds more stylistically refined. They are as follows:

Although [...] this point of view is not universally shared, many people believe that if one is required to address similar tasks on a continuous basis, this will help him or her to develop focusing skills.

In the following paragraphs [...] I will explore the validity of this suggestion at length.
First of all [...] it is indeed the case that going along the same routine over and over can be tedious and wearisome.
when a worker [...] is indulged in the disparate activities, it energizes him or her to an extent.
What's more [...] this allows the concerned person to experience the sensation of emotional satisfaction.
To demonstrate [...] this, we can mention that most scientists... contend that many workers do prefer taking care of different things during the day.
over 90 percent [...] of employees are more than comfortable being required to achieve some unrelated objectives.
everyone ought [...] to be capable of multitasking.
Notwithstanding [...] At the same time, however, being required to simultaneously focus on a few different tasks can often prove stressful.
regard [...] consider the fact that one's ability to address different tasks positively contributes to the extent of this person's quick-mindedness.
While [...] This, in turn, will help him or her to develop time-managing competences.
Bill Gates [...] stands out as a good example, in this respect.
Doing [...] Dealing with variable tasks...
contemplate [...] the idea that addressing disparate tasks is indeed beneficial.

I hope it came of help. Regards.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2, school life is stressful and tiring hence after their graduation. [2]

Hello wahyu

To make the text more refined, I suggest you apply the following adjustments/corrections:

tiring [...]. Therefore, after having graduated from school, they usually take a few years off from studying.
while [...] contemplating on what university...
This easy [...]You should remove this sentence - it sounds awkward.
think [...] thought that taking time for themselves, between their... is indeed rather beneficial.
Firstly [...] First, they will be able to expand their intellectual horizons by visiting new places and learning about other cultures.
Secondly [...] Second...
the field [...], for which they...
will make [...] will enable them...
Besides [...], by having postponed the time when they are to enroll at a university, they will have more time...
It prevents [...] It will prevent them...
several [ ...], there are some people who would disagree.
While enjoying their job and traveling places...
Some of them [...] decide in favor of giving up on the idea of enrolling at a university...
Their mind [...] becomes more focused on achieving some concrete objectives, which in turn makes it harder for these individuals to think in abstract terms.
In addition [...] while traveling, school graduates are naturally tempted to stay in new places for much longer than they initially planned.
It is worried [...] this sentence does not make much sense.
To sum up [...] there are both: benefits and drawbacks to the idea of postponing the enrollment at a university.
In my opinion [...] no need for this
.
I hope it helped. Regards.

Writing Feedback / The advantages of living in a large city - a lot of opportunities and potential to develop [3]

Hello ngocloan

Your text is easy to understand, but you could use improving some of the sentences stylistically:

A large [...] The rapid pace of the ongoing progress in the field of communication technologies is especially notable in large cities.
It helps [...] One of the reasons for it is that just about every large city can be thought of in terms of a network of people who need to stay in close touch with each other, as the mean of attaining social prominence.

First [...] Large cities feature the advanced system of public transportation, which provide residents with yet another incentive to lead a socially integrated lifestyle.
fee is not [...] high...
Another advantage [...] Is that in big cities people are provided with a number of different entertainment opportunities, unavailable in rural areas.
which [...] whichever...
has [...] have...
unhealthy [...], there is usually a well-equipped hospital nearby.
you will get [...] a chance to obtain a high-quality education.
A lot of [...] Although studying at the affiliated universities and colleges is not cheap, it is nevertheless well worth it, because of the provided tuition's high quality.

As a result [...] university graduates have a much higher chance of securing a well-paid job than the rest.
nonetheless [...] Nevertheless, there are still many people who find the idea of leading an urban lifestyle utterly unappealing.

I hope it came of help. Regards.

Writing Feedback / WRITING TASK 2 [Problem-Solving] : More working families these days are in favor of fast food [5]

Hello

I corrected a few phrases/sentences in the text so that it sounds better:

Fast [...] food consumption became widespread among urbanites because it allows them to save time on cooking.
Children [...] are likely to grow obese, if on the fast-food diet, and [...] home-made food is...
food [...] has a strong negative effect on people, in the sense of causing them to gain some excessive weight.
Obese [...] people are known for their unhealthy love of fast food and for their inability to lead a healthy lifestyle.
This [...] phenomenon is usually associated with the realities of an urban living, as such that imply that the affiliated individuals are constantly in a hurry.

Therefore [...] people should think twice before deciding to switch to eating fast food.
Societies [...] There are a few ways for the society to address the issue.
Home-made [...] food is much healthier, as compared to fast food because we know what account for the ingredients of the former.
Thus [...] they have plenty of time to work and to take care of their children.
In brief [...] There are indeed a number of reasons to prefer home-made food over fast food.
In conclusion [...] children should be discouraged from eating fast food, as the source of many health problems.
more care [...] more caring...

Regards.

Undergraduate / My mother is my model - she has had the greatest influence on my life [3]

Hello... I applied some stylistic corrections to your text so that it sounds better:

i [...] is (my mother).
She [...] She did not only give me birth but also made it possible for me to receive a proper upbringing.
for [...] for the family.
all [...] all-day-long into the late hours.
However [...] She, however, continues to take care of me.
She [...] is a self-sacrificial woman.
She [...] My mother's whole life if completely dedicated to the family.
failed [...] In times when I fail, she strives to comfort me.
it [...] Because of my mother, I have always felt motivated trying to become a better person.
Last [...] Thus, I indeed have many good reasons to think of my mother as a role model.

I hope it helped. Regards.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 - The major cities in the world are growing fast, as well as their problems [6]

Hello madmoiselle

I applied some stylistic refinements to the text so that it sounds better:

Majority [...] As of recently, many world cities have experienced a rapid growth.
This [...] This, however, also resulted in making it harder for young people to enjoy the thoroughly adequate standards of living.
account [...] when it would come to addressing the issue.
High [...] Young people that reside in the urban areas are challenged by having to cope with the high costs of living.
in the urban areas [...] you must've meant rural areas?
This is due [...] Partially, this can be explained by the highly competitive aspects of an urban living.
occupied [...] populated...
Thus [...] there can be only a few doubts that while trying to cope with the realities of a city life, young people are bound to experience problems.

they [...] should not...
more [...] They should also eat more at home...
Therefore [...] By doing this, they will be able to...
solution [...] - young people should rely on public transportation while getting around.
If the [...] If the destination happened to be within a walking distance, they should consider getting there on foot.
leads [...] indeed proves troublesome for many young people.
However [...] after having proven themselves capable of addressing the mentioned challenges, the concerned individuals will be more likely to attain social prominence.

I hope it helped. Regards.