Unanswered [6] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by kiki23
Name: alrisky
Joined: Sep 13, 2016
Last Post: Nov 17, 2016
Threads: 37
Posts: 58  
From: Indonesia
School: English Studio

Displayed posts: 95 / page 2 of 3
sort: Latest first   Oldest first  | 
kiki23   
Oct 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / ONLINE COMPUTER GAMES - There are several pros and cons toward the issue [3]

Some people think that online computer game is useful for children, while others claim is bad. What are advantages and disadvantages of online computer game for children?

There are several pros and cons toward the issue of the online computer games for children. The advantages can be seen by a lot of useful puzzle games played by children in the computer increasing their ability to solve problem and many kinds of games offered by online averting children from boredom. However, the opponent believe computer games bring many drawback impacts for children as they should actively move rather than focus on screen in their age and the intensity of watching screen decreasing their eyes ability to watch normally.

Parents who let their children playing the online computer games believe it will increase their children ability to solve problem and it will avert children from boredom. It is undeniable fact that children are easily influenced by new things learned by them including online computer games. A research conducted by California University in 2012 showed as much as 51% children playing online computer games is more creative as they are accustomed to think fast to solve problem when they are playing. It is clearly can be seen that playing online games increase the brain productivity of children.

On the other hand, the reverse assumes playing the online games gives more drawback impacts. Some parents believe the growth of their children should be more supported by physical activity rather than to sit and watch the screen. Their assumption is supported by a recent survey carried out by Japan Childcare Expertise reveals as much as 63% of children playing online games is become lazy as it is addictive and more than 79% of them having eye disease in their early age as they have high intensity to focus on moving screen. Therefore, it can be seen that the drawback impacts of online games is not only making children lazy to have physical activity but also decreasing their eyes sensitiveness.

In conclusion, despite the positive impact of brain influence brought by online computer games, it also gives some disadvantages for children as it will make them lazy to have physical activity and it is not appropriate for them to stare long-term on the moving screen.
kiki23   
Oct 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / Is an online computer game useful for children? [2]

Hi! I have some feedback for you!

All in all, online games is one of ... should be
All in all, even though playing online games can relax children after having their routine, it has negative consequence that they can be grown up as an antisocial person as they often play the online computer game and rarely surrounded by the society.
kiki23   
Oct 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / MOVING BUSINESS CENTER IN OUTSKIRT [3]

In some countries, governments are encouraging industries and businesses to move to regional areas outside the big cities. Do the advantages of this trend outweigh the disadvantages?

Several countries are currently developing their industrial center in outskirt. Even though the cons assume the industries and businesses would be difficult to reach, I firmly believe the advantage of reallocating industrial area outskirt is preponderant as the possibility traffic problem facing by the worker is less and the production cost needed by them in outskirt is cheaper.

It is commonly believe the distance connecting big cities and outskirt area is one of the reasons why several countries are not reallocating their industries and businesses yet. It cannot be denied that the distance may be the obstacle between worker to the workplace in industrial area and visitor to the business center. However, this statement cannot be applied not only to the developed country but also to the developing country since the development of infrastructure system that will connect every part of the country is being highly constructed. As the data reported by United Nations Development Programme (UNDP) in 2010 that more than 87% of underdeveloped countries nowadays is working progressively to build their infrastructure such as highway, railway or subway, and underwater train. As of the reason stated, it is clearly can be seen that the distance is not the problem to connect the big city and the industrial center in outskirt.

On the other hand, the pros believe reallocating business center and industrial area outskirt is the best breakthrough to fix many problems faced by people living in the big cities. People living in the big cities should be dealt with busy traffic and expensive cost so that they assume to move the business center and industrial area outskirt will bring more advantages. The same data reported by United Nations Development Programme (UNDP) in 2010 showed that the advantages of reallocating business center and industrial area outskirt is not only minimizing the traffic problems facing by the worker and decreasing the production cost needed by them but also as much as 63% of the countries reallocating their business center and industrial area outskirt is experiencing positive impact that the tourism number where the business center and industrial area build is incline. By many reasons stated, it is acceptable that the drawback of reallocating business center and industrial area outskirt is less.

As a result, the advantages of reallocating the industries area and business center in outskirt outweighs the disadvantages since it is supported by the fact that the traffic problem in outskirt is rarer and the production cost is cheaper.
kiki23   
Oct 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / By taking a side job, children would learn something that they cannot get from school [2]

Hi! I have some feedback for you!

In conclusion, children can achieve many experience in ... should be
... experience not only by attending formal education in the school but also by having part time job.

... is not suitable for doing the job as their age is need improvement for the futurenot mature yet .

I suggested parents should give more attention ... should be
I would like to suggest parents to give more attention on their children so that they can have a better future.
kiki23   
Oct 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / WRITING TASK II - CHILDCARE CENTERS [2]

Some parents think that childcare centers provide the best services for children of pre-school age. Other working parents think that family members such as grandparents will be better cares for their kids. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

The childcare centers providing early educational system for children are believed by some working parents as the right place to keep their children. However, the rest assume grandparents or others family members will perform better to keep their children safe. Even tough family member is one of the trustworthy person that parents can rely on, I am more likely to stand that children should be safeguarded by the childcare centers because it has several system which are suitable for the children growth.

It is commonly happened that some parents are depending to their parents to take care of their children while they are working. As grandparents are having the same experience for years, they believe grandparents will be more responsible and trustworthy to protect their children. The survey conducted by Australia Childcare Commission in 2010 showed that only 43% of parents nowadays trusting their parents to protect their children in working hours as they believe grandparents are become elder and not strong enough. It is can be seen from the survey that not even a half of the society relies on their parents to take care of their children.

However, many people assume the childcare centers are providing best materials and services in nursing and babysitting their children. As the childcare centers is being paid, it is not only nursing and babysitting children in working hours but also giving them early education and nutritional meal during keeping time. The same survey conducted by Australia Childcare Commission in 2010 showed the reverse of trusting grandparents to treat their children, as much as 57% of parents prefer to choose childcare centers regarding to some advantages served by it. From the fact, it is clearly true most of people more likely to believe childcare centers to take care of their children in working hours.

To sum up, both childcare centers and family member bring benefit for parents to take care of their children where some parents believe childcare centers will give their children pre-school education and the rest think grandparents as the most trustworthy person to babysit their children. Where possible, children not only should be taken care but also taught early.
kiki23   
Oct 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / Some people working in the same place within years just for getting a money. [2]

Hi! I have some feedback for you!

In conclusion, the comfortable feeling of ...
In conclusion, salary is no longer the only reason for employee to stay in tHe same corporate. The comfortable working atmosphere is one of the reason for employee to stay in the same corporate for many years.

Moreover, a huge opportunity to be expertise ...
Moreover, another reason for worker to stay in the same company is a huge opportunity to be an expertise offered as they become a loyal employee for years.
kiki23   
Oct 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / Many children in several countries spend much time in the workplace instead of being at school [4]

Hi! I have some feedback for you!

In conclusion, although some people think that children who have experience in the workplace ... should be
In conclusion, although some people think that it is a good choice for children to have work experience earlier, this essay tend to determine it is best for children to stay focus on their study.

This is due to the fact that the lack of mental and physic in children to face with hardness world of job, even though benefit experience can reach easily. should be

This is due to the fact that their mental and physic are not yet ready to face the work life even though they can have some benefit experience from it.

I recommended parents should give more concern on their children so that have a better future. should be

I would like to recommend parents to increase their concern to their children towards this issue so that they will have a better future.
kiki23   
Oct 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / Several countries permit under-age children to work [4]

In many countries, children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong while others consider it as valuable work experience. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Several countries permit under-age children to work. This statement create the presence of two critical thinking, some assume it is as an unacceptable choice and the rest think it is as a beneficial experience.

Even tough the under-age children should not be engaged further as a labour considered by their mental health that is not yet ready to work, I am more likely to stand that children still should be introduced to work life so they can think wider and perform wiser.

As they are still young, the under-age children should not be involved in paid work. Some people assumed it is as an unacceptable choice since their mental health can be broken by doing activities that really not fit into them. Research conducted in 2012 by Committee on the Rights of the Child as one of the United Nations body for children showed as much as 35 percent of children engaged to paid work becomes mentally disturbed and ill-tempered. However, the percentage of the impact of paid work to children mental health presented by Committee on the Rights of the Child only represents the condition in some developing countries where children is more likely to consider to work than study.

In contrast to the first statement, children who study and take part time job will be well-prepared as an adult rather than children who take one of it. The rest of society believe that children experiencing both study and work will think wider and perform wiser when they are mature. A current survey conducted by Australian Government towards this issue showed more than 63 percent of the employees having working experience when they are young are more productive and creative to solve problem in work and friendlier to their partner in workplace. By this fact, it is clear that the children who study and are introduced to work early will be well-prepared to face working life as an adult.

To sum up, children engaged in paid work has not only the advantage impact that is they will face work life better since they know the work system early but also the drawback as they will easily get ill-tempered considered by their mental health that not yet ready to work.
kiki23   
Oct 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / WRITING TASK 2 :THE WHOLE WORK CONDITION IS CHANGING TODAY [3]

Hi! I have some feedback for you!

Overall, the most reason why employees search for another job is higher ... should be
... is because the price of life necessities and accommodation become higher.

Moreover, workers can settle this issue by ... should be
... by counting and maintaining their income and outcome properly.

In my view, workers have to manage their ... should be
... their daily financial sufficiently.
kiki23   
Oct 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / Several countries restrict their citizens to smoke exclusively in some isolated smoker zones [2]

In some countries it is now illegal to smoke in public places. It is only fair that people who wish to smoke should have to leave the building. Do you agree or disagree?

Several countries restrict their citizens to smoke in public and those willing to have some should step aside from place where people come together. I would clearly agree with this idea because smoking disturbs some people in public and inhaling a clean air is right for all people.

People in the public area are often being disturbed by the cigarette smoke of smoking people. It is clearly shown people in many cases not only avoid smoking people but also curse them as they scared with the toxic effect of the cigarette smoke. The study conducted by the Australia Healthcare Researcher in 2007 revealed that a single cigarette contains more than 4,000 chemical compounds that cause several types of cancer and respiratory diseases. For this reason, several countries introduced regulation that smoking should be restricted in public places as the poison that cigarette contains disturb people.

Furthermore, another reason why smoker should be instructed to leave the building when willing to smoke is that all people wish to inhale a clean air. There are two types of smoker; the first one is people who smoke cigarette actively called as an active smoker and the rest is people who do not smoke who merely get the impact of such bad habit, called as a passive smoker. It is undeniable fact that the percentage of passive smoker is bigger than the active smoker. As the Australia Healthcare Researcher in 2007 also revealed that the effect of cigarette smoke is more dangerous to the passive smoker as the active smoker exhaling the smoke to the air while the passive smoker cannot exhale the smoke mixed to the air. Driven by the reason of every citizen should inhale a clean air freely, some countries now restrict to smoke in public and those who wish to smoke should leave the building.

Overall, it is very reasonable for some government to illegalise smoking in public area. Thus restricting smoking will reassure people to inhale a fresh air as some people getting disturbed by the smoke of cigarette.
kiki23   
Oct 21, 2016
Writing Feedback / WRITING TASK II - MONEY IS THE ONLY MOTIVATION OF WORKER STAY AT THE SAME WORK [3]

Do you agree that money is the only motivation at work why people prefer working in the same company for many years?

Some might think money is the most common reason why people stay longer in one company; however this statement failed to explain the rest of people struggling into the same work every single day. I would totally disagree with this idea because comfortable working atmosphere and passion they have are the reason why the workers do so.

It has become apparent in recent year that workers are no longer stay in one company for getting the salary offered by the company but because of the comfortable working atmosphere served by them. This statement stand on the actual event that workers prefer to work at a conducive place with minimum stress level, low-pressure of work, and friendlier partner. For example, the study conducted by Surveyor Indonesia in 2010 revealed that 57% of workers choose to have a duty at a comfortable workplace with small salary rather than to work in corporation with satisfying salary but having a high pressure. Therefore, it is true that the worker priority to stay in same work routine is changing from money oriented to the atmosphere of working place.

It also cannot be denied many people recently choose to work based on their passionate hobby, such as art painter. They are doing their hobby not only for living but also for spreading their point of view. Research conducted in 2007 by Australia Social Researcher found as much as 23% of people choose to hang their life by doing their hobby for the entire life as the aim of their work is to spread the perspective they have rather than to gain much money. The people who choose their passionate hobby for living prefer to popularize their perspective than to get money.

To conclude, the high salary that people earn at work is no longer the absolute reason of why they are still working at the same workplace for years. It is very obvious that worker staying at the same routine as the environment of the workplace and the passionate hobby that they have as a duty.
kiki23   
Oct 21, 2016
Undergraduate / Did MICKEY MOUSE JUST TRY TO KIDNAP ME OR SHOW ME SOMETHING IMPORTANT? [2]

Hi! I have some feedback for you!

...out of the trolliestrolleys not being able to contain my emotion...

...at the Disney World in Orlando Florida...

...the place where e very 5th graders wishes ...

Wow, this was the place that where Walt Disney created
kiki23   
Oct 21, 2016
Writing Feedback / THE MOST MOTIVATION PEOPLE TO WORK IS MONEY [3]

Hi! I have some feedback for you!

the only as the stimulus to job... should be

...the only stimulus to stay at job...

...it will be encourage... should be

...it will encourage...
kiki23   
Oct 13, 2016
Writing Feedback / A Day in the Life of Hollywood Paparazzi [2]

It cannot be denied that famous people surrounded by paparazzi who often take such photographs and video recordings for money purposes. Some people believe their action is really disturbing celebrity's daily routine and it is violating the human right because they tend to ignore the privacy of celebrities. However, the paparazzi itself think that it is nonsense because once they choose their job to be widely known by people then their privacy is sharply gone as it become public consumption. What is become more negative is when the paparazzi are not having the license to take such daily documentation because they belong to none of company but they do capturing famous people as a freelancer to get paid. The freelancer paparazzi is not only have the chance to spread rotten news but also have lack of knowledge of the journalist ethics as they are frequently capturing famous people going out with their children without even thinking whether such action would be affecting the psychology of their children or not.

Sources: readitenglish..../read/acgAc9#
kiki23   
Oct 13, 2016
Undergraduate / I always visioned myself as a doctor; MCPHS essay, is it too basic/boring? [3]

Hi! I have some advice for you!

Growing up I always visioned myself as a doctor. should be

I always see a vision of myself being a doctor.

In Anatomy class, last year though, is when I ... should be

The very first time I explore my interest is last year in the anatomy class/when I took anatomy class (you can use both).

... we were taught some practical things made me changing my point of view.

The way that the organs all connect and work ... shoud be

The way of the organs connecting and shifting made our body functional is arousing my passion.
kiki23   
Oct 13, 2016
Graduate / This is my first thread. I've written an essay for the GRE Issue task. Do check it out. [2]

Hi! I have some advice for you!

Avoid abbreviation in formal writing, such as ...isn't..., ...i.e..., ...it's..., ...aren't...

It should be ...is not..., ...in example..., ...it is/it has..., ...are not...

...may be the driving force behind increased violence... should be

...may be the driving force reason behind the number of increasing violence/ violence increased (you can use both)

I believe that the major... should be

I believe the major...
kiki23   
Oct 4, 2016
Writing Feedback / Ghosts and Poltergeists: more common than you think? [2]

Some people think the presence of ghost appears after the 20th century as the product of human trauma experienced by some people causing the negative energies phenomenon; such as heard untraceable noises, saw strange lights or shadow, and noticed some strange objects coming. However, the ghost cases already appear since the early 19th century and the story told with every single clear detail. For example the story of the haunted ship named HMS Asp sailed between 1850 and 1857 and be told by Captain G.M. Alldridge writing a long letter at February 1868. His letter reports about their sailing crew feared at night and facing died. In addition, it also tells about the ability of spirit to haunt particular location rather than a person. Meanwhile, the 20th spirit seems to have common quality of manifestation; such as noises, vague shape, and clear image of a person. The urban legend involves some common places haunting people, for example at the museum and the hotel. Moreover, people nowadays tend to talk about it more often even they are not experiencing it directly.
kiki23   
Oct 3, 2016
Writing Feedback / TED Summary : Street Art With A message Of Hope And Peace by El Seed [2]

Hi! I have some advice for you

...which is built in 1994 it should be

which build in 1994

...from the local, even international press all across the globe it should be

from the local and the international mass media

... its Caligraffiti which is a mix between Calligraphy and Graffiti. Since your sentence is about the fact that is interesting people so you need to use simple tense. It should be

The most interesting part is the Cali-graffiti which is a mix between Calligraphy and Graffiti.
kiki23   
Oct 3, 2016
Writing Feedback / The issue of what should young people do directly after graduation from high school. [NEW]

Some suggest that young people should take a job for a few years between school and university. Discuss what the advantages and disadvantages might be for people who do this.

There are several pros and cons toward the issue of what should young people do directly after graduated from high school. Some people prompt adolescent to take a job for a few years before applying university. In my point of view, it is better for the youth graduated recently to focus on their education rather than to get a job.

The viewpoints that agree to the statement think the experience that adolescent obtained by working before continuing study is greater. However, the only good impact comes from this stand are the experience of earning money. In addition, there is another possibility advantage by working before continuing college is the salary can be used to fund their education if they can manage it well.

Meanwhile, there are several drawbacks for adolescent obtained by working before continuing study. First, they will potentially become lazy to continue their education because they already earn money. Second, they waste their time by working at young age and having small income. The objective of getting higher education is to earn more money. The lower the education they have, the lower the salary they get. Third, it will be very pity for them to attain inappropriate job because their high school academic title will not fit to run some fancy positions. It is a general fact that almost every company looking for the employees who have degree.

All in all, I completely disagree to the stand who suggests young people should take a job for a few years between school and university because the disadvantage of taking this option is preponderant. However, the adolescent can reach more experiences and potentially get reasonable income after having a degree.
kiki23   
Oct 3, 2016
Writing Feedback / Gene-Ocide, The Promise and Perit of "gene drives" (Article Summary) [3]

Hi! I have some advice for you

....competition, Mosquito... Do not put uppercase in the middle of the sentence except it is necessary, for example name of person, country, and disease. You can find the rest of the uppercase use in the literature. So it should be

...competition, mosquito...

... because the mosquito's ability to carry the parasites ... Avoid redundancy! You mention mosquito twice in your sentence. It should be

... because it's ability to carry the parasites causing diseases to human.

Zika, Malaria, Dengue are the human disease that ... The meaning of this sentence is pretty similar with the sentence before, so you just need to compile both. So it should be

Mosquito is the most favorite animal because it's ability to carry the parasites causing diseases to human for instance Dengue, Malaria, and Zika.

...make a research to modified... Remember the using of to+infinitive, so it should be

...make a research to modify
kiki23   
Sep 21, 2016
Writing Feedback / The most important thing to be happy is to have an occupation that we enjoy doing. Is it true? [2]

Hi! I have some advice for you:

disagree that statement... should be

disagree to the statement...

...because of happiness it not depends on job. you should put noun after "because of, meanwhile in this sentence you put subject and verb. so it should be

...because happiness it not depends on job.

....we can improve our skills. That is because.... should be

....we can improve our skills because...

there are several reason... should be

there are several reasons
kiki23   
Sep 21, 2016
Writing Feedback / Having a job that we love can be simply called as enjoying our hobby and get paid for it. [2]

Some people say that in order to be happy, you must have a job you love doing. Others say that other factors are more important. Do you think that people can only be happy if they have a job really enjoy?

There are a lot of reasons of people to be happy. Some people believe one of the factors is to have a job you love doing while the other think it is a well-paid job made you happy. However, the rest of the people mention a lot of reason to be happy for adults; for instance having a quality time of vacation, getting monthly bonuses, and having less time to work. In my view, every single statement comes up in people head as the reason to be happy, is part of being have fun doing job that you work for.

People having a job that they love can be simply called as people who do their hobby and get paid for that. It is very important to love your job because people who do not love their job will easily get bored. Meanwhile, people who run their hobby as the job will enjoy the moment of doing it, they will not care of the monthly bonuses or even the time they spend to work. However, the more enjoy people doing their job, the more experience they will get. People run their hobby as job is achieving money bigger than people who do not, setting the working time freely, and also deciding time to go on vacation.

In conclusion, it is having job you love doing is the important reason to be happy. Not only for getting well-paid of the hobby you run into, but also for the enjoyment you feel.
kiki23   
Sep 20, 2016
Scholarship / Your life speaks who you are! Describe your family, community and how they have shaped who you are. [3]

Hi! I have some feedback for you:

But in 2001 I do not think you should use "but", because it use for explaining opposition of something. However, you are just adding some opening information. So it should be:

In 2001...,an urban city where everybody...

I was born by a man who used you can eliminate "who", so it should be

I was born from a man used...

a woman who spent all... should be

a woman spent all...
kiki23   
Sep 20, 2016
Writing Feedback / Invented at 1934 by Leonard Kleinrock, the Internet has become a global system [2]

The Internet is probably the most significant invention of the last 30 years. Without it, our lives would be completely different. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

Invented at 1934 by Leonard Kleinrock, the Internet is become a global system connecting each computer had network through online. Some people may think that internet have advantages while other think the reserve. On the other hand, apart from the controversy existed; the internet is the media enabling people not only to exchange the information but also to do communication.

The internet is not only the most important invention but also the most valuable thing nowadays. The rising of internet as the substantial aspect of modern way to exchange the information and communicate each other, have helped people to simplify the life. The latter-day communication by internet can be seen from the existence of several media socials such as email and facebook where people can share their position and make an appointment from long distance. Another advantage is a lot of community of particular hobby existed through them. However, the cutting-age information from internet can be reached by some search engine and online media. Everyone from worldwide will have the same opportunity to share and to get the information and opinion by internet.

Meanwhile, before the internet existed, it is hard for people not only to make or reject an appointment but also to learn and share the knowledge. The old way to communicate is only by mail needed some time to arrive to the recipients and the old-fashioned treatment to reach information is by newspaper or rumored. Overall, the internet brings many advantages than the disadvantages and without the internet the way of humankind life will be the same as the past; there will be no one from Asia or Africa read the news from America of Europe. Overall, the internet has simplifying our lives by changing the way to get information and communicate each other that is expensive and lengthy become cheap, easy, and free.
kiki23   
Sep 17, 2016
Scholarship / Life Lessons Essay: What was the most dramatic change you ever had to make? [3]

Hi! I have some advice for you:

First, if you are writing the essay make sure you are did not spending unnecessary words. Second, make sure how many words allowed in the essay. You can find it at the top of the essay instruction.

He wouldn't stop... I found a lot words like that, do not do that! essay must be wrote in formal sentences. it should be

He would not stop...

he couldn't resist.

he could not resist.

they're engaged

they are engaged

The most sacrifices that I had to make was being a single mother. should be

The most sacrificial moment that I have had is being a single mother

Overall, your story is quite interesting but you need some improvement.
kiki23   
Sep 17, 2016
Writing Feedback / 1.Swing basket method to fetch water from the soil 2.The roller bucket to reap water for irrigation [2]

The two diagrams below give information about the different methods of collecting water for irrigation purposes.

The first diagram is using swing basket method to fetch water from the soil. The material needed are the basket made from bamboo, the digging soil extracted up to 2 meters near the irrigation channels, four meters ropes which will be used as much as two meters for each side. To begin, the ropes should be tied to each side of bamboo basket which is will be put to the hole of digging soil. After that, the bamboo basket that has been filled by the water can slowly lifted by pulling the ropes. Finally, the irrigation channels can be filled by water using this method until it's full.

The second diagram is utilizing the roller bucket to reap water for irrigation purposes. The material needed are the plastic bucket, a 50 meters stagnant pit near the irrigation tunnels, a pulley, two rollers, and a cow standing at downhill. Firstly, the rope is needed to be tied to the each roller and the bucket handle. The pulley is plugged to the ground near the irrigation tunnels while the other side of the rope that has been bound to the basket handle is wound to the cow body. At the end of this method, the bucket should be entered the stagnant pit and the cow might be pulled the rope until the basket reach the top of the stagnant pit. The full of water bucket will be automatically filled the irrigation tunnels as the pulley plugged near the irrigation tunnels.

Overall, both of the diagrams explain the way to collect water for irrigation purposes. However, the second method is more effective and efficient to be practiced eventough the materials of it is more complicated.



  • 14397992_10205256894.jpg
kiki23   
Sep 17, 2016
Writing Feedback / West Java aims for grand opening ceremony [3]

Hi! I have some advice for you!

In this year, during a week from 17 September 2016 to 29 September 2016, should be

during a week started from 17-29 September 2016,

West Java will be held PON (National Games) you use passive sentence here,

or you can change the subject if you want to use the passive sentence, so it should be

The PON (National Games) will be held in West Java

After that ,the opening I do not think that is the right linking words to use because it is used to explain procedure, so it should be

Beside, the opening ceremony
kiki23   
Sep 17, 2016
Writing Feedback / 9 Things You Can Do Right Now for a Frugal Holiday Season [2]

We may ever think that we desperately need a vacation. Hence, start our holiday plan early can be the best answer. There are nine money-saving ways to prepare our picnic. First, plan our budget by using last year's spending as the guide and establish limits for gift-giving this year. Then, save up more cash by skipping lunches out once or twice a week. Third, make sure we can control the limits of our credit card. Furthermore, we should make the lists of things we wanted to purchase. Fifth, make crafting DIY gifts. After that, this is the time for us to hunt for great deals online. Seventh, this is the time to start shop strategically. Besides, do not forget to save the extras of things. The last one is start to give back by participating charitable activity.
kiki23   
Sep 16, 2016
Writing Feedback / The number of books read by the boys and girls - a fluctuating trend between the two variables [2]

The Number of Books Read at the Starmouth School Library

The line graph gives information about the comparison number of books read by the boys and girls over four-year period at the Starmouth School Library. There are fluctuating trend between the two variables. On the whole, contrary to the girls, the boys had had a derivation graphic towards this issue.

According to the graph, during the first two years, the number of books read by the boys was steadily increased. It achieves the peak at 2011 with over a hundred books have read. Unfortunately it was experienced a sharply decreasing trend to the 2012 and the books read by the boys had become 80 books.

Meanwhile, reverse to the boys, the trend of books read by the girls from 2009 to 2010 was slowly increased and rose sharply for the next two years. There are only 30 books read by the girls at 2009 and incline over 140 books at 2012. It follows that the gap between the boys and girl read books was narrowed down from 20 to zero over the three-year period and the variable of the girls had intersected the boys at 2011.



  • 281751_1.jpg
kiki23   
Sep 16, 2016
Writing Feedback / Summary Article : These Are the Forgotten Victims of the West's Drought [4]

Hi! I have some advice for you:

It became changed the environment should be

The changing environment has a big impact...

Many people thinks just in California ... should be

Many people think this disaster only happened in California but it was also happened in Nevada. or you can use not only...but also...

This disaster is not only happened in California but also in Nevada.
kiki23   
Sep 16, 2016
Writing Feedback / 'Sophisticated wearable headset'. Undoubtedly, it is tricky to learn tonal language nowadays. [4]

Hi! I have some advice for you:

it can tell the user this sentence is the fact so use simple present and it shoud be

it tells the user

for autistic people and people who have speech disorder this sentence explains about the disease so you need to mention them instead of the people who owned it and it should be

for autism and deafness

However, according to the inventor, the feedback of the pitch has different outcome because of the specific feedback. , according to the inventor.
kiki23   
Sep 16, 2016
Undergraduate / The Puzzle Piece that is F.I.T. - Fashion Institute of Technology admission essay [3]

Hi pleasehelpessay! I have some advice for you:

Based on my experiences, you should not repeating the question given on your statement. For example:

What I believe makes me the perfect candidate for FIT... should be

I strongly believe that I am the perfect candidate for FIT because... (sell yourself here, put the biggest achievement you have had, your strong skill, and the confidence but do not too arrogant).

With all the priceless resources that FIT has to offer should be

With all the priceless resources offering by FIT...

I spent the next 9 years supporting myself while working in the retail, ... should be

I spent the next 9 years supporting myself by taking any works helped me to continue life, for instance I worked in retail, restaurant, and music industry.


Hopefully you can be one of the candidate! Cheers!
kiki23   
Sep 15, 2016
Writing Feedback / The least popular transportation chosen by the workers is cycling or walking [4]

The CO2 Emissions from Different Forms of Transport

The following table and the bar chart give data about travelling to work in Houston, Texas. To begin, the table provides information about the percentage of travelers per form transport to work and average age of them based on four transportation's; car for one person, car contains more than one person, cycling or walking, and train or bus. Meanwhile the bar chart shows the CO2 Emissions from different forms of transport. Eventually, there is connection between both the table and the chart.

The last popular transportation chosen by the workers is cycling or walking which is only four percent aged 44 of travelers have courage to choose them. However, it is totally use no CO2 Emission. Furthermore, catching bus or train is in the second used by 37 percent of the commuters aged 47, but the CO2 Emission consumed is just over the percentage of the last popular one. Having about 0.07 kilograms per person per kilometer of CO2 Emission, the third popular transport taken is car rode by four people which only 11 percent of the workers aged 44 took it.

The most common transportation used by the commuters to work in Houston, Texas is car for one person. As much as 48 percent aged 43 in average choose this way. Unfortunately, this way of travel is not worth at all when it comes to the CO2 Emission issue. It drains 0.31 kilograms per person per kilometer of CO2 Emission. In this case, all of the commuters riding car alone eventually consumed 24 kilograms per person per kilometer of CO2 Emission. In conclusion, people is tend to ride car alone instead of use the zero emissions transportation.



  • t1.jpg

Need Writing or Editing Help?
Fill out one of these forms:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳

Academic AI Writer:
Custom AI Writer ◳