Writing Feedback / Individuals vs. environment - PRACTICE IELTS WRITING TASK 2 : ESSAY TYPE AGREE OR DISAGREE [2]

Hi Riandi, as I go through the essay, I must say you made quiet an argument here, you made sure that both side will be justified and the reasons you backed them up with are very realistic, it happens in real life and they are currently happening in todays world.

However, I believe this argumentative essay can still be enhanced.
What I noticed is that, it seemed that you are fond of using too many words in the sentences and they tend to clash, for future writing reference, it pays to be simple but direct in our essays, the more conversational and straight forward the essay is, the more readers and understanding you're going t get.

Having said that, please find the corrections below;

- Nowadays, only huge enterprises
- and venturecompanies can
- make a difference thein this circumstance
- although persons have been as much as possible to fix thatI believe that this is everybody's responsibility .
- There benefits to looking at both sides of this issue.
- but I do not believe that this has been good statement for the following reasons.- this phrase will not be necessary
- I will promotebelieve that the vicinity
- are more protected
- by humankindindividuals than
- the corporate people .

There Riandi, I hope the above remarks help in your revision.

Writing Feedback / The Percentage of The New Teachers in The Usual Teaching Jobs [4]

Hi Hikuma, below are my thoughts on your essay, I hope it helps.
By the way, don't forget the chart next time.

- according to teacher graduation year. - what do you mean by "teacher graduation year"?

- almost started inat the same percentage,
- but it ended in the extremely different points.

- In 2001,the percentage of someone who teaches
-while English teacher was more than that percentage. - when we say "more than that" you have to make sure that you input the corresponding figure

- In the nextThe following year,
- both of criteria experienced a largehuge ( I believe this is a more appropriate word ) downward progress.
- in contrast with the following time.
- slightly nevertheless another, however, the other criteria
- was steady fell steadily .

There you have it Hikuma, I left the rest of the essay for you, I hope you follow thru with the remarks.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2 : ABOUT ABROAD STUDY [3]

Hi Riandi, below are thoughts on your essay.

The students just study in their nation and are rarely [...] building up their carier, it has also several advantages.
The above paragraph is quiet confusing, therefore, I have a suggestion for you.

University and college students often study in their own country and rarely overseas. However, this trend is not happening now, there are more chances to study abroad now more than ever. I believe that this trend is more likely to build a future leader and just like any other endeavor, there advances and drawbacks that this trend brings us.

- Thirdly, we can foundfindsome environmentalan environment
- not good for moeslimMuslim religion.
- refreshments and food allowed by godGod .
- when they arrivedthey feel strange
- people but as time goes on it will be common.

There you have it Riandi, I left the last paragraph for you to practice and learn how to follow thru with the above suggested remarks.

Graduate / Draft PS for Msc AI, asking for advice. [6]

Hi Qiwei, no worries at all, we are here for you and we aim to provide you the most accurate feedback that will hopefully get you a confident and well structured essay. Moreover, this forum is also aimed at honing your skills in writing and having said that, I strongly suggest that you practice writing more often, read a lot and enhance your vocabulary, the more you learn ew words, the better your writing will be.

Furthermore, wider vocabulary leads to better ideas in writing and how to approach your prompts.
In writing a Personal Statement, however, you have to understand that, first, it is an extension of yourself, who you are, your goals and aspirations and your achievements. This kind of writing should also be focused on the positive attributes of your life, not that the negative ones will have no impact on this writing project but it will be best if we focus on the positive ones.

I do hope the above remarks and insights as well as the corrections made in your PS writing will help your revision and in coming up with a stronger Personal Statement. Keep writing.

Graduate / Draft PS for Msc AI, asking for advice. [6]

Hi Qiwei, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, I hope you find this website valuable and even more so, helpful to your revision and future writing reference. Moreover, we aim to provide you the most accurate and credible feedback in order to make sure that you will be able to submit a confident and well managed essay.

Having said that, I know that you are quiet worried, following your posts from the previous remarks, now, as I read through your PS, I believe you managed to create a well structured content, the flow of the essay is very smooth, it is definitely an extension of your biography and what transpired in your quest for further acquisition of knowledge and this is what makes a PS worth reading.

Further to your essay, on the 2nd paragraph when you say, "During my stay", I suggest, "During my days..." , I believe this is a more appropriate word or phrase. For the conclusion, "My future plan is to become a", I suggest " I plan on becoming a..." .

There you have it Qiwei, I hope my thoughts are useful as well as insightful in helping you formulate an even stronger essay.

Writing Feedback / LEARNING VACATION as a new concept of holiday in 20th century - SUMMARY TASK 3 [3]

Hi Rosa, below are thoughts on your essay.

- holiday in the 20th century,
- that offers the trippertraveler to spend
- but also stimulating their creativity. .
- The communitydemographics that are interested
- young untiland the adults too .
- are joinfocused on an ongoing archeological,
- cap able to hone their skills of photography
- Another upside ofFurther to this category of
- trips is the price will bethat is suitable
- for economical budget conscious travelers than

There you have it Rosa, I hope the corrections are helpful.
Overall, it is a well managed essay, for future writing reference, however, mind the words that you incorporate in your essay and I believe reading will help you widen your vocabulary and in the long run, it will help in creating a well written and well structured essay.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Writing Task 1 Satisfaction Level of Customers Airlines [2]

Hi Nurul, below are a few suggestions for your analysis.

- satisfied the customers are on traveling
- the figure for dissatisfied customers saw the reverse.

- customers are satisfied
- percent after one year later
- in suchfor years,
- at 8-percent

- was experienced byfrom the courtesy
- percent in 8 years later .

There you have it Nurul, I hope the above corrections are helpful.
Overall, the analysis is very accurate, there's just a few very minor details and will not necessarily hugely affect the analysis. I hope you keep writing and practicing and should you need further assistance, do let us know and we are here for you.

For future writing reference, however, mind the inputs of your sentences make sure that you have the right form of the words such as the tenses and the right placement of the words too. All of this will affect the overall impact of the essay, moreover, I believe your writing skills are well managed and as it is an analysis, accuracy is the key to a good essay.

Writing Feedback / Healthy way of life promotion. Most of children are accustomed with unhealthy lifestyle. [3]

Hi Eka, on promoting a healthy lifestyle, I personally think that as much as a parent can suggest what the kids or their children eat, they can only do so much because it's the children who will do the eating and all they can do is to watch them and make sure that they eat healthy and they grow safe in the neighborhood.

Further to your essay, I believe you have written a well managed essay, you made sure that the information are not only your own opinion but a good research that was done in order to create a well informed argument. Moreover, the essay also depicted the right intent or purpose of the essay.

For future reference, however, mind the construction of your sentences, make sure that you tick all the boxes in every sentence, such as the idea of the essay, the purpose and more importantly, the answer to the essay should flow properly and smoothly whilst streamlining the idea of the essay.

Writing Feedback / Parents have been through a lot of things, that's why I believe that they are outstanding teachers [4]

Hi Dipa19, please find the suggested modifications below;

Introduction

- In the worldA lot of people believe
- that parents are the most outstanding teacher.
- In my standpoint I agree
- with thatthis opinion,
- They could tell t his valuable experience valuable
- does not to repeat
- the same mistake and
- that people could to follow a good track of them .

Conclusion

- To sum up, although the teachers in school
- are the best in the world.
- respect for their parents who gave birth.

There you have it Dipa, the above corrections are mainly on your sentence construction and for future reference, mind the minor details of your sentences such as your linking verbs and forms of the words you incorporate in your sentences.

Writing Feedback / The Roles of Parents and Teachers in Controlling Diet for Children [5]

Hi Hikuma, below are my thoughts on your essay but before I do so, I would like to impart that controlling diet for children is not a normal scenario, however, I believe this can be a way for parents to secure that their children are eating healthy and not necessarily putting them on diet.

Having said that, below are my suggestions to enhance your essay.

- InOn the other hand,
- Start fromFrom childhood
- period to teenager periodyears ,
- muchmore time
- inat breakfast
- and lunch in the school.
- The teacherTeachers can give
- students at a more complete and systematic manner
- by using the science language, r
- controlling the foodstuff in the canteen.

- In conclusion, both of parents and teachers have
- involved the childrens lifestyle,
- be thea good example
- for them avoiding consumeto avoid consuming unhealthy food.

There you have it Hikuma, I hope the above remarks help you out in your revision.

Writing Feedback / Most people believe educational stakeholders are the best teacher. Agree or disagree? [3]

Hi Swr10, below are my thoughts on your argumentative essay.

Introduction

- Most people believe that educational stakeholders are the best teacher. - what do you mean by "educational stakeholders"?, do you mean the teachers that work in educational institutions?

- teacher for their children.
- They give more influence for the children's

****
Conclusion

- To sum up, it of use that parents
- giveprovide a major
- teachers in school are the best people who influence the children .
- best teachersforever .
- and affect toobey their parents.

There you have it Swr10, I hope the above remarks are helpful, for future writing reference, mind the construction of your sentences as this will affect the overall impact of the essay.

Writing Feedback / Scientists discover a planet similar to Earth. Summary Article from National Geographic [3]

Hi Heru, below are my thoughts on your essay.

- Lately, Mediasthe media reports
- has sanethe same characteristic
- as the earth.
- The planet is circling the star closes t to the - find that the planet is
- as big as our
- For themthis team ,
- it is not surprisea surprising innovation
- because they have been findfound out some
- planet in the same orbit like Proxima.
- by using some comprehensive search.
- The observations were taken between 2000 and 2014.

There you have it Heru, the above remarks will hopefully help you out in your revision and for future writing reference, when you are writing a summary such as this one for the National geographic, you have to be very specific, the words such as "some", may not be the right words to incorporate in this particular summary of an article, you have to be definite with our information and make sure that they are accurate enough in order to create a solid summary of the given story.

Writing Feedback / Ecotourism is the concept of sustainable tourism management. (Summarizing) [4]

Hi Swr10, below are my thoughts for your summary.

- Ecotourism is thea concept of
- places they visited ,
- such as participating in the ecosystem
- prefer tothe eco-friendly

There you have it Swr10, overall, the summary is written in a way that the reader is able to picture the story. The words you use are very conversational, you made sure that it is comprehensive and you managed to go straight on to the purpose of the prompt.

For future reference, however, mind the minor details such us the linking verbs, the right forms of the words and the overall impact of the essay boils down to the outcome of the essay. Keep writing and should you need further assistance, do let us know, we are here for you.

Writing Feedback / How to See the Upcoming 'Great American Eclipse' (SUMMARY) [3]

Hi Erpin, below are thoughts on your essay.

- crosses the American continent
- buthowever in August 2017

- OnIn August 21, 2017,
- will sweep from sea to shining sea,

- patient to wait for this celestial event.

There you have it Erpin, as you can see, there's not much to correct in your summary. A few missing linking verbs that will complete the sentence and I hope you follow suit. This minor details are definitely crucial as it will affect the overall impact of the essay as well as the idea that you are trying to convey to your readers.

Overall, it is a well structured summary, very brief as it is and straight to the point and what is needed of the prompt.
I hope to review more of your essays soon and keep writing.

Writing Feedback / The main concept of ecotourism are make good environment and get income without injuring it [3]

Hi Bams, first of all WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, I hope you find this website to be helpful and even more so useful to your writing projects. We aim at providing you the most accurate and comprehensive feedback and assure you of the best results possible.

Having said that, please find the corrections below;

- The ecotourism is a new concept
- to exploit environtmenour natural resourcessource .
- Ecotourism is one of many concepts to campaign green movement,
-In addition, ( don't forget your punctuation marks ) get income we
- also preserve the environment - "environment" is a without a "t" )
- There is some example ecotourism, such usSuch example of ecotourism
- are national parks ,
- environtment tally- environmentally friendly
- The main concept of ecotourism are make good environtment and get income without injuring environtmen.is to create a good a sustainable environment and preserve our natural resources.

There you have it Bams, I hope the above remarks are helpful to your revision.

Writing Feedback / Summary of Travelling in the Ancient Ruins in Peru. [5]

Hi Patta, below are my thoughts on your essay.

- Standing in the high mountains in Peru,
- sitethe Machu Picchu site
- have drawed ofdrawn prehistorical Incan civilization.
- werebecame famous ofwith travelers.
- All the building of site built from hard stoneThe buildings in the site is precisely made by hard stone .
- The wonders buildingare nearby the city of
- Cuzco at around thirty kilometers.
- In there theFrom the building, the traveler can
- take transportation mode .
- The Inca trails werehas been
- trackingattracting visitors since late century
- when the Peruvian official institution pleasedopened the site to tourist.
- To conserve the Inca's culture,
- the government published a rule to put a half a thousand
- every one day to guide into the the trail.
- To sum up, Inca's custom offered a luxury trip and definitely a memorable one .

There you have it Patta, I hope the above remarks and insights are helpful.

Writing Feedback / Better chances to learn an another country: from television or a personal visit? [2]

Hi Farida, here's another help from my end.

- Sophisticated technology help inhabitantpeople in many ways
- television programmesprograms like reality
- By visiting a place, humanpeople will ( I believe this is a more appropriate word on this part of the essay )
- can know exactly the daily lifelives of the native people.
- the magical things which happens in therehappenings like culture

- InhabitantPeople can have an
- interactive conversation with the natives in that country.
- They can ask many things whichthat they are curious about.
- to pay the living cost
- and they still get all the information they need.

- by usingwith the internet people
- can find out about anotherother country
- and only spend a few money.

There you have it Farida, for future writing reference, mind the length and the presentation of your essay, make sure that they are not purposely written just to lengthen your essay but to input all the necessary information to answer the prompt.

Writing Feedback / Is a flat is more comfortable than a house? What is better to live? IELTS2 [4]

Hi Farida, below are my thoughts on your essay.
On this essay, I believe the first and 2nd paragraph can be merged into one paragraph, this way you will be able to present a good or rather a presentable number of the essay.

Further to this essay, below are my suggestions.

- Right nowThese days , many people prefer
- in an apartment make them
- feel lonely and would like to live in a house.
- to get a sense of community.
- the sense of communityor create a harmonious relationship for the
- people who live in there.
- ManyThere are a lot of places to hang-out
- like lounge or gym that can make people
- When manythere's a lot of people who participate,

- visit to other houses because
- they are friendlier than people who live in a flat.
- Many activities whichwhere people can participate l

- liveliving in a flat have many places to meet,
- most of the occupants are busy people
- and they rarely to meet others.
- feels more friendly than in a flat.

There you have it Farida, I hope the above remarks are helpful to your revision.

Writing Feedback / Some information about general feeling of happiness among citizens in the United States of America [4]

Hi Nurul, right off the bat, I noticed your linking verbs are missing, this are very minor details however, they should not be neglected.
Below are my suggestions to enhance your essay.

- The bar charts provide the information
- about the general feeling
- of happiness of citizens in the United States.
- of children towards parents'their parents feelings .
- Overall, it can be seen that, married couples with children are happier
- at almost twice than those who have not.
- It is also noticeable that there is not to much differentdifference in percentage
- inon people's feelings related to their children's age.

- People who have got married feel more cheerful than thethose who are single.

- They whoseThose with children is under 18 are the happiest, at 44 percent.
- The percentage is fewer for those do not have oneswho do not have children .
- The figure is considerableconsiderably low for the couples with kids aged 18 and under.

There you have it Nurul, I hope the above remarks are helpful to your revision.

Writing Feedback / How can we speak powerfully to make change in the world? [6]

Hi Ramzi, I have a few suggestions for your title;

- How can we speak powerfully to make change in the world with our powerful words ?

The above is my suggestion to your title, I believe this is ore appropriate and rather more logical that conveys the direct idea of the essay.

Furthermore, below are additional remarks for your essay.

- How can we speak powerfully to makeour words change in the world ?

- introspection on ourselfourselves .
- our habit that make us notit is not our habit to listened .
- it is unsufficientinsufficient if we only
- The firstFirst is register,
- If powerfullthe speaker is powerful, combined
- we willcan create alterationchange in our world.

There you have it Ramzi, I hope the above remarks are helpful to your revision and for future writing reference, mind the composition of your sentences, make sure that they are properly arranged and in logical order and that they depict the goal and the idea of the essays.

Writing Feedback / Tourism brings negative effects on local cultures like moral degradation and ecosystem destruction [4]

Hi Eka, before I dive into giving you some suggestions, I would like to share that tourism has both negative and positive effects on people, the ecosystem and the world as a whole. The thing is, in every thing we do, I believe we can only do so much and one thing that we need to take note of is, tourism is mother natures gift to its inhabitants, therefore, as care takers, we need to take care of it as much as we can, moreover, its an industry that keeps on giving, we just need to know where to look and how to work with it in a very responsible way possible.

Moving on to your essay, below are my suggestions;

- on our local cultures such

- When foreign people visit some places they might face cultural interaction.
- However, local cultures may get more influence from
- they have closely interacted with them for a long term.
- as thea result, local society may ...

- that, tourism in many new tourist destination destroy the local environment.
- the more horrible trash is produced .
- ThereHere , all of the visitors have to bring their rubbish when they leave .

- In conclusion, when people are easier to maketake a holiday
- over the sea butor with nature, they have to be responsible
- and preserve to both local tradition and environment because
- those things are very unique and valuable to the world's civilizationnext generation .

There you have it Eka, I hope the above remarks are helpful to your revision.

Writing Feedback / According to the survey the married couples that doesn't have any children are happier [3]

Hi Aziz, you forgot to add the chart on this analysis, for future writing reference, mind this posting, as this will affect the review and feedback that you will be given. Anyhow, I would like to give a few suggestions to modify your analysis.

- The charts reveal the information
- and theirthe children's effect
- All in allOverall , people who are married
- have higher happiness ratings than unmarried ones .
- In addition, the childrens
- effectaffect the increase

- These conditions are contrast withcontrary to unmarried people
- that havewith 34 percent for the highest of happiness ratings which is the highest . - group are similliarsimilar .

- to the childrens that they have.
- Married couples who havehas children under
- 18 becomebecame the highest of happiness ratings.
- Married couples that have nowho doesn't have children are happier
- than married couples that only have upperwith children over 18 years old children .

There you have it Aziz, it's not too late to post the chart and I hope the corrections are helpful to your revision.

Writing Feedback / Two different methods to collect water for puring irrigation channels [2]

Hi Eka, here's my take on your analysis.

- The presented diagrams illustrate how to collect water
- for irrigatingto irrigate the farmland by two different ways.
- These methods take the water from the ground
- but the first one needs labour intensive while anotherthe other
- method is done by animal.\by our dear animal friends.

- Firstly , the method named swing basket
- is used to collect water from 1- 2 metresmeters deep
- depth under the ground.
- leather and tied with ropes.
- persons whoto lift the basket

- OtherThe other method is rope and bucket.
- metres depthmeters deep under the ground.

- thosethis methods are really
- useful techniques to accommodate
- It uses different kind

There you have it Eka, I hope the suggestions above help you in your revision and for future writing reference, mind your sentence construction and try to create sentences that will best describe your analysis.

Writing Feedback / Task 2 Spent Money To Built Impressive Buildings Or Built School And Hospital? [3]

Hi Farida, first of all, in this essay, you don't have to create a gap or space between each and every idea to lengthen or add length to your essay, though it is suggested that you present your essay in a manner where the ideas breath and have a gap, it should not be this much space. For this essay, it can be written in a maximum of 2 or 3 paragraphs for this prompt.

Having said that, let me suggest a few corrections.

- isare the skyscraper
- and thatthis is the reason why
- there are many hightall buildings in thelargebig cities.
- Some people think that,have many tall buildings are more
- important than spending the money to improve public facilities.
- increase the inhabitanthumanitarian prosperity.

- it makes thecreates an appearance of the
- city moreand it adds glamour and attractive scene .
- The buildings are not only
- The architect makes an amazing design
- live in the building to feel comfort.
- This condition also attracts many visitors
- to come toand see or to take a picture of the buildings.

There you have it Farida, the above paragraphs can stay as 2 separate ones, however, the next 2 paragraphs can merge into 1 paragraph and then you follow through with your conclusion. Overall, the same observation when it comes to your sentence construction, I believe you have the idea in your head but you are somehow, not able to convert it or write id down in your essay. Keep writing.

Writing Feedback / Summary Article The Danger of Contact Lenses [6]

Hi Farida, below are my thoughts on your essay.

- and it's simple to use.
- lenses, if people wear it in an improper way.
- there were a reports from FDA (Food and Drug Administration)
- if almostthat one in five contact lenses cause eyes infections.
- so that they need a corneal transplant.
- and replace it often also, they shoulddo not use it when they go to sleep.

There you have it Farida, I believe your summary is as it is very comprehensive and straight to the point.
I just notice that, you still have to work on minor details of your sentences such as the tenses and the punctuation
marks, this minor details complete the sentences and without them, the overall outcome of the essay may not be that meaningful.

I hope the insights and corrections help and practice more often.

Writing Feedback / The amount of money for book clubs received from city council and how it affected members number [2]

Hi Atikah, below are my suggestions to your analysis.

- ... the amount of money ofthat book
- clubs received from city council.
- The graph also gave information as to how many book
- clubs members are there were in the city.
- Overall, there wereis an upward trend in the number
- of book club members and the amount of money
- a city council gave to the book society.

- Over the four-year period, there wereis a slight
- There wereis a sharp roserise in the third year
- However, for the first time in four years the customers number fell for the first time in the fourth year .

- Accidentally, sameFortunately, as the money that the city council gave rise ,
- In year four, the book number still incline rapidly and reached a peak.- this part of the analysis is somehow missing a point or a figure, it rose to? or peaked at what number? Please clarify.

There you have it Atikah, I hope the above remarks help you in revising your analysis.

Writing Feedback / The Reasons To Save Whales - whales are endangered animals and near extinction (Summary TED) [4]

Hi Farida, below are my thoughts on your review;

- Right nowNowadays , whales are endangered
- and, it is started from 200 years ago.
- People were huntedhunting whales in order
- of usinguse of whale,
- to attract people and in early '80s this campaign had a successful result.
- Government banned to air a commercial whaling.
- Many people think that whales should be saved
- because of its charismatic and beautiful characteristics
- but actually a whale is an ecosystem engineer which maintain
- stability and health of the ocean and can also provide services ...

- There are two main things of whales whichways that Whales help the ecosystem,
- are contains of much essential nutrients to entirethat is necessary for a balanced ecosystem.
- Whale carcasses provide a food to other fishes
- and help to delay global warming.
- When the corpse washed up in beaches it'sit provide feast
- to many species in the land.
- People need to stop whalinghunting whales and revise their
- thinking to save the whales not only for whale sake but also for humansitself .

There you have it Farida, I hope the above remarks are helpful with your revision, for future writing reference, mind your minor details such as punctuation marks and the correct form of words, review the English language rules such as the subject verb agreement and proper use of tenses too.

Writing Feedback / A girl who demanded right to school in her hometown - TED TALKS [5]

Hi Nina, first of all, you say;

- Hi everyone, I need your help,for givingplease do give me your feedbacks
Thank you.

Now, we move on to the essay;

- regardingand her experience of being
- a girl demanding athe right to school in her hometown.
- Unfortunately, it willis a seemingly be the ubiquitous moment
- inat the age of twelve.

- so as to be allowed to continue her study.
- ItShe was required to her for participatingto participate in the ceremony
- where she must pass thisan activity such as female genital mutilation.

There you have it Nina, I hope the above remarks are helpful to your revision, what I focused in this correction, is the construction of sentences that somehow lacks the ideas or the thoughts that you are trying to convey to your readers. Overall, this may be major corrections, however, I believe with a little practice, you will be able to create an even stronger and comprehensive essay.

I left the rest of the essay for you to practice editing.

Writing Feedback / Indonesia marks Independence Day by sinking illegal ships [4]

Hi Azmi, as soon as I read the title of your essay, I can't help but notice how innovative Indonesia is in thinking of how to celebrate it's independence. If I can suggest this to be done in my country, I would definitely do, I believe this is one way to show, not only the people of Indonesia, that the country is true to it's promise in keeping the country safe, but to all the people in the world that Indonesia is committed to securing and protecting the country from illegal trade and businesses.

Honestly, it's as if I'm reading your essay straight from a newspaper, very informative, full of conviction in every word that created an overall confidence in writing. Though there are a few revisions to be done, they are very minor and, will pretty much, not affect the overall message of the essay.

It is a well managed essay, with the right source of information, comprehensive and detailed approach and more importantly it is a current event. Happy Independence Day Indonesia!

Undergraduate / "COUGH SYRUP AND SWEAT" - UVA PROMPTS 2016 [3]

Hi Lincoln, I have read the first essay and as much as I want to continue to the 2nd one, I have a few observations for your first one. I agree that you somehow did not answer the prompt, what you wrote is a mere interpretation of the episode you saw from Glee, what the prompt is, if there's anything from work of art, music, science math or literature that challenged you.

An example would be, if you want to go with music, we can say, how did people come to terms that Beethoven's or Mozart's music has something to do with the proper development of a child's brain, something like this, I believe you have the right answer to this prompt and you are just having challenges in putting them into words and even more so, writing them.

As this is a UVA prompt, you would also like to keep it in a formal form of writing, keep your words conversational and easy to comprehend. I hope this insights helped and I will get back to you for the 2nd prompt.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 : People can Only be Happy if They Have a Job They Really Enjoy [3]

Hi Atikah, below are additional help for your essay;

- The purpose of working is to make
- buy stuffsthe things they needed.
- CitizensPeople will spend
- their lives at working place ,
- to makekeep us happy.
- ButHowever , if someone says
- that loving our job is the only one to be gladthing that makes us happy ,

- That's true, moreIt's true that more than
- 50 percent, the place of someof workers are in the office,
- andthat represent their skill.
- BecauseI believe happiness is not only

There you have it Atikah, for future writing reference, push for better vocabulary and more meaningful approach of the prompt.

Undergraduate / How I Wrote This Essay; I'm not sure that I've ever been a particularly good writer. Personal Essay [4]

Hi Sofia, first of all WELCOME to the Essay Forum, we hope to provide you with a comprehensive and accurate feedback that will boost your confidence in writing and be ready for any projects you may have in the future.

Now, as I read though your essay, I loved the fact that it is very interactive, full twists and turns and more importantly, as a reader, there is some sort of imaginative relation to the events that took place in the essay. What I'm saying is that, you wrote an essay base on experience and you wrote it in a way that your readers are able to comprehend the message. There is also a good balance of unusual words that keeps the interest of the reader, however, as much as I encourage you to write with full details, when it comes to an essay with word restrictions, I suggest, you prioritize the ideas that are more pertinent to the purpose of the essay, in this case, as it is a personal essay on intellectual challenge, I suggest deleting the part where you elaborately wrote your progress from 3rd to 4th paragraph, I believe you can summarize this and create one full paragraph.

I hope this insights helped.

Writing Feedback / Writing essay - Television advertising brings considerable problems for children [2]

Hi Reza, below are my thoughts on your essay;

- In edition( did you mean "addition to ") of the aforementioned evidence,

- violent content in advertisement possibilitycould possibly
- leadsthe youth to be misbehaving
- so badly sinceas they do not
- so all ofthe information
- is receipted by themare definitely absorbed .
- of the youths which performwho misbehaves is because of
- television showing themshows .

- In conclusion, Advertisement comes toaffects a child's life.
- and stopping such effort due
- misbehave in children's lifemisbehavior in a child's life .

There you have it Reza, I hope the above remarks and corrections are helpful. Overall, I believe you have or you know exactly what you want to write, however, this did not transpired in the essay, not to worry though, as everything can be learned and practice makes perfect.

Graduate / Struggles of an African in South Korea - IMPROVing MY WRITING for a future position [5]

Hi Frank, my apologies if you think I'm trying to get into a debate with you, rest assured that this is never the intentions of posting or reviewing your essay. My point is, as what you've mentioned, Korea has a stronger discriminatory nature than in Ukraine and China, having said that, I believe you agree that, in every country, there is a certain way that people think of other people, even their own, let alone foreigners. Now, editing your essay and every single post here on EF is our main goal, with the hopes of creating an even stronger and confident writing project, moreover, we also try and strive in giving insights to everyone, in order to create a good team atmosphere, don't get us wrong when we mention or we go against what you think or see and even experience in a country you visited or you lived in.

You can expect that here on EF, we will not only edit or suggest further enhancements in your essay or projects, we also want you to learn from us, as we learn from you.

Moreover, I didn't mention and have no intention of judging or saying that you didn't respect the law of the land, what I meant was, when we go and visit a foreign land it is just and recommended that we follow the rule of the land, just like anywhere else and I believe that this is true when people would go and visit Africa too.

Nevertheless, I did read and understood as well as reviewed your essay and as a conclusion, I believe it needs a little help in creating far better sentences that will convey the message you are tying to pass on to your readers.

Writing Feedback / Toefl: Some high schools require all students to wear school uniforms. [4]

Hi Dhani, in the beginning of your essay, I immediately notice the missing links, minor details such as linking verbs that is necessary in order to create the full sense of the sentence. To elaborate this observation, please find the corrections below;

- In some high school, it is a policypolicies
- tothe freedom ofto wear any dress in school.
- Both policies have their own advantages,
- buthowever, I believe that ina high school
- studentsis required to wear school uniform.
- For some reason I will mention some of the reasonsin below paragraphs .

- OnTo begin with , School uniform
- consumeconsuming tofor wear
- thenthenthan other attires because
- if students are wearing different cloths
- so they are use time forto decide the
- new cloth in everyday and consequently waste of the time.
- Uniforms are cheaper soand will benefit for the needy students.
- Furthermore, students are habituatedcostumed to wearing daily
- school uniform so they can easily wearing and school uniform never get complicated it is comfortable then other cloths.

There you have it Dhani, I hope the above remarks are helpful and even more so, valuable to your revision.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2 - Agreement or Disagreement of Saving Money Rather Than Paying Tax [4]

Hi Faiza, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, I hope you find this website to be helpful and valuable to your writing reference, we strive to provide you with the most accurate feedback and review, in order for you to feel confident in submitting your project.

Moving forward,I immediately notice the need to reconstruct most of your sentences, so here we go;

- Working peoplewho are being workers want to save their
- earnings for livingto live on.
- Some of them suggest that they do not have to pay their salaries'tax duty
- Based onHaving said that,
- and not paying the taxes.

- First of all, many people like to work for earning money
- theirssalary for their future life or
- just for their living on currentlyto live comfortably .
- taken pains for theirpart of the countries painscountry .
- However, it is just one of theirthe reasons to
- exempt them from the obligation of paying taxes.

There you have it Faiza, as you can see, there's quiet a lot of modifications to be done for your essay, however, everything can be learned, so don't stop practicing and honing your skills in writing, having said that, I left the rest of the essay, for you to practice editing your essay yourself.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 Make A Hobby Become A Job [3]

Hi Farida, below are my thoughts on your essay.

- Many people maketurn their hobbies
- become theirinto jobs in order
- to feel comfortget comfortable and enjoy when
- they have to do the work.
- ByIn loving what they do,
- they will feel happy whatever it is .
- makemaking their family happier
- than only doing what they love but their family not .

- When inhabitanta person enjoys the job
- as part oflike their hobbies,
- they will give their best and get maximalmaximum result.
- For example, many people likelove to take
- a pictures of a landscape
- or peoples expression,
- and they make it as their jobturn to be a photographer.
- Also they can gain money from it although it is not much.- this sentence is not necessary

There you go Farida, for future writing reference, I suggest that you read a lot, expand your vocabulary an d make sure that you experiment on different words, of course, be cautious with the meaning of the words that you incorporate in your sentences.

Graduate / Struggles of an African in South Korea - IMPROVing MY WRITING for a future position [5]

Hi Franklin, I have a few thoughts to share.
First of all, as a foreigner to a land, one can expect discrimination, there is a certain level of course, however, as it is not your own, you should be ready to this kind of welcome and even more so, prepare for the worst, this is the right attitude that you should prepare yourself whenever you visit, let alone stay and be a resident of the country. Korea, like most countries that is ruled by strict policies and rulers, you have to be very careful and cautious with your actions, also, it is recommended to follow the rule of the land, which applies to everywhere a person goes.

Moving on to your writing style, I believe this essay can be enhanced with the focus on your sentence construction, you tend to pour a lot of ideas in one sentence, with the hopes that this will boost the sense or the thoughts of the essay, the truth is, it makes a very confusing sentence that affects the entire essay and this will bring the essay down.

Furthermore, the essay says "Struggles of an African in South Korea", you managed to portray the exact approach and response for the essay, however, as South Korea became your home for a while, I believe it will not hurt if you input a little bit of good stuff by the end of the essay, now, don't get me wrong, I understand the struggles you went through but I know that you also gained from this experience and lastly, I strongly believe that, in every experience that life throws at us, there is always a lesson to be learned.

Writing Feedback / Summary TED's : art make unusual stuff [4]

Hi Adi, here's my take on your summary;

- Alexa Meade talks about yourour biological features is her canvas ,
- due to the fact that She forms anthis is evident in her Acrylic painting
- of such a male,yet she does not utilize canvas as media.
- She painteds it immediately on top of the man when she wants to make a portrait,
- and it is able to photographtherefore she's able to capture it from any angle.
- the light changed and all of suddens .
- However, this brought ais difficult to keep on flickering lights before her eyes.
- She has so much fun within this process,
- some side because hea different angle and could have a very specific image.

There you have it Adi, overall, the summary is quiet confusing, your sentences are very jammed up, I believe you have the idea in your head, however, you were not able to formulate or construct a well structured essay.

I hope this revision helps.

Writing Feedback / Exhibiting ability in front of television becomed popular among citizens all around the world [2]

Hi Atikah, below are thoughts on your essay, I hope the corrections will enhance your essay and be ready for submission.
I would like to focus on the last two paragraphs of the essay as I believe this is where the enhancements are needed.
However, before we start with the modification, I would like to share that, though there are a lot of effects of television in our lives, as a form of entertainment, it also yield loads of valuable lessons specially to our kids, of course with proper supervision, this interaction is very effective and important.

Please find the suggested corrections below;

- However, few television stations use the shows
- just for entertainment.
- Most of them pretended they would searched brilliant talents,
- but then end up makehaving their relatives as an artist.
- Although, it doesn't always have to be a bad thing because,
- if their relatives have ahas great talent
- and follow the given rules, so it was nothere should not be any problem.

- In conclusion, I thinkbelieve using television
- channels to find talented citizensartists is a wonderful thing.
- Peoplescan change their lives in a way
- that they never imagined.
- process so it's unworkable toin order to avoid
- cheatting and into turn intocreate a successful person.

There you have it Atikah, the corrections are our suggestions that will hopefully create an even stronger essay.