Writing Feedback / Many people argue that salary is the deciding factor when choosing a job. [2]

Hi Mohammed..
These are my thoughts toward your essay. Please, you review my notes


You did not paraphrase the statement well. There was the statement "the salary is the most important" . It had the different meaning with the statement. One of your job in the introduction paragraph is paraphrasing.


To strengthen your thesis statement, you should mention factors what you meant. It will describe generally what you will explain in the body paragraph.

secure our family's needs is of crucial importance THE MOST CRUCIAL ELEMENT.
... chance to save more money then, work a smaller number of hours and ... (I think this was not needed because you explained effects of having more salary. Therefore, the higher the salary we earn ...

As a result, in a competitive business IN THE WHOLE world with AND a vast number (...) it is logical that WHY people should look for ...

..., there are several other factors which are MORE essential and needED to be considered before ...
ITS REASON IS Because it is pointless to destroy one's health ...
Another factor to BE considerED is how will the employee WILL be satisfied with ...
In other words, to what extent does WHETHER employee like the job OR NOT and is willing to do it for the rest of his or her life, because it is not easy (...) that we can't CANNOT (Do not use contraction in the formal writing) stand even if we earn a lot from it.


st
I only remember that the good paragraph has at least 3 sentences. You are able to include suggestions to complete your introduction paragraph.

Note: Make sure what you write is what you mind. Sometimes you needed the passive sentence, you made the active. Hopefully, above can help you to improve your written skill.

Writing Feedback / Summary Article World's Tallest Water Slide Will Be Torn Down After 10-Year-Old Boy's Death [6]

Hello Mister Alfin..
I have read your summary closely. This is so short, but you still make the same mistakes grammatically. I suggest you reread your summary before you upload so that you can reduce your fault. You are supposed to learn again about the conjunction. Sometimes you confuse readers because you place the conjunction inappropriately. Besides that, make sure what you write is like what in your mind.Please, deal with my notes. GOOD LUCK

The world tallest water slide IN THE WORLD named IS NAMELY Verruckt, which means HAVING MEANING "insane" in LANGUAGE OF GermanY. Recently, It was killed ten years old boy when operate, THAT PUBLIC FACILITY MADE A TEN-YEAR-OLD BOY DEAD, NAMELY Caleb Schwab. Because OWING TO that accident, the water (...) investigate was IS finishED, .

... ride with ANother DEVICE in the future.

Writing Feedback / Positive Impact on The Walking Activity [6]

Hi Miss Yurike..
I have read your summary closely. Honestly, you still make errors grammatically. Besides that, you presented vague sentences so that readers were confused to understand your mind. You are supposed to reread your sentence to make you sure what you write can represent your mind. Another improvement which you need is pick up linking words appropriately to ease the readers understand this.

One of the daily activity ACTIVITIES of BY some people is sitting FOR 9.3 hours a day. This activity makes CAUSES the negative influence EFFECT in ON healthy of someone which BECAUSE IT CAN APPEAR many diseases like (...), and type two diabetes which the WITH percentage are AT 10 percent, 6 percent, AND 7 percent RESPECTIVELY. Therefore, the one and main solutionS to reduce the negative (...) and anywhere, because the fresh air will mobilize fresh thinking THOUGHT TO BE MORE FRESH and finally give some new ideas in the brain, also the AND walking in WITH SURROUNDING the way A BLOCK make us in order to respect to others people in their environment. AROUND OUR HOME.

Writing Feedback / The pie chart depicts the main three reasons which led to the degradation of agriculture in the 90's [6]

Hi Kaun ..
These are my thoughts toward your summary.


You have to observe the chart more detailed because there is also another factor. It is better if you write
THE PIE CHART REVEALS REASONS WHY HAPPEN THE GLOBAL LAND DEGRADATION, AND PERCENTAGES OF THAT CIRCUMSTANCE FOR THREE DISTINCT AREAS ARE SHOWED IN THE TABLE.


When you present the overview, you do not give vague information.
Overall, it is important to note the primary cause of the degradation in the whole world was overgrazing. Turning to the specific region, this matter occurred the most in Europe.

... 35% of land degradation due to overgrazing; deforestation followed, accounting for 30% of land degraded WAS CAUSED BY OVERGRAZING DOMINATING AMONG FACTORS. THAT RANK WAS FOLLOWED BY EFFECT OF THE DEFORESTATION AS THE SECOND HIGHEST PROPORTION RECORDING AT 30%.

... reasons made agriculture becomes BECAME less productive (You are supposed to be consistent in using tenses).

Turning to your explanation about the table, you passed the prompt of writing task. Your paragraph seemed listing the data. Our job in the writing task is to compare the figures, not to describe the data separately.

Writing Feedback / How cement is made? Which materials are used in the manufacturing process? [4]

Hi Andika..
here are a few corrections for your writing task 1. Hopefully, those can help you to improve your skill.


If you mentioned that the diagrams only describe producing cement, it would seem you review partially. You should wrote
THE DIAGRAMS ILLUSTRATE A WAY TO PRODUCE CEMENT AND HOW COMPOSITION OF THE CEMENT AND OTHER MATERIALS TO MAKE CONCRETE.


I have not got the point of what you meant. You might be gonna say
OVERALL, THE PROCESS WAS DIVIDED INTO 2 WAYS TO PRODUCE THE HIGH QUALITY CONCRETE.

... of cement production was insert(you should use the present tense because you explained the fact) IS MIXING the limestone (...) until became BECOMING powder.
... passed through the MACHINE OF mixer for several minutes. Next, PRIOR TO it passed the small pipe.
... will produce sourceS of cement. Another steps, IS THAT the material was IS grinded by grinder and can produce IS PRODUCED IN THE FORM OF THE cement. In the end, the cement was IS packed in the bags and can continue to the another steps. READY TO BE TRANSPORTED.

... and gravel (50%) was ARE included BLENDED in concrete THE mixer OF CONCRETE.
... will mix the ALL materials and the it will produce the concrete.

Writing Feedback / The illustration depicts the frog's metamorphosis dividing into six different phases. [2]

Hi Miss Nina.
These are a few corrections to finalize your writing.

... frog's metamorphosis which is a breakdown DIVIDING into six different phases.
... phases of the frog' live is ARE enormously different from ...

..., the first process initiates IS when the female frogs lays LAY their eggs on ...
Afterwards, the frog spawns grows GROW into BECOMING tadpole which is AFTER THEY PASSED the embryo with ...
The next development CHANGING stage is that front ...
... in the back of frogs wasgrown. GROW

... frog grows become BECOMING THE adult frog with changing CHANGES in their tails ...
..., the adult frog become METAMORPHOSES much bigger than ...
..., the adult frog become IS strong enough to live in the land.

Note: make you sure what you write is what in your mind. You sometimes are supposed to write the active sentence, but you present the passive. Also avoid repetition.

Writing Feedback / A breakdown of figure for the viewers of channel one news between January and December [2]

Hi Ivan..
These are my corrections to finalize your writing. Please, meet my notes and deal with them.


Actually, you have written the overview well, but you have to know what you write. Pay attention to the meaning. There were changes in the quantity, not the viewer.

OVERALL, THE NUMBER OF VIEWERS WATCHING NEWS AT 6PM HAD DECREASED SLIGHTLY, WHILE THE PERCENTAGE AT 1PM HAD REMAINED STABLE. AUGUST EXPERIENCED A TOP FOR THE RATE OF THE VIEWERS AT 11 PM, BUT FOR 9.30PM, ITS RATING JUMPED TO THE LOWEST POINT.

..., it can be seen that the PROPORTION FOR viewers OF watching 6pm news ON CHANNEL ONE fluctuated and (...) below 5 MILLION to just below 3.5 MILLION PEOPLE. although THE PROGRAM OF 11pm news was first (...) just above 4 million, AS the most highest (...) to just above 1 MILLION which was REPRESENTING the smallest number of it.

... December, THE PROGRAM OF 9.30pm news was (...) increase to 3 MILLION.

Writing Feedback / Cable News Ratings - daily viewings of the Channel One [3]

Hi Miss Pramudia.
I am gonna give you a few suggestions to improve your writing.


Where is your main verb?. Be careful of sentence fragments.
A BREAKDOWN OF FIGURES REPRESENTING THE NUMBER OF VIEWERS WATCHING NEWS ON CHANNEL ONE BASED ON 4 DIFFERENT TIMES A DAY DURING A YEAR IS REVEALED IN THE LINE GRAPH


Avoid hackneyed sentence because it will seem as meaningless sentences.
This is my offering overview as the alternative.
OVERALL, IT CAN OBVIOUSLY SEEN THAT CHANNEL ONE HAD DIVIDED NEWS PROGRAMS INTO THREE TIMES PER DAY, BUT THE TELEVISION CHANNEL HAD HAD A POLICY TO ADD BROADCASTING THE NEWS AT 11 PM SINCE 1ST MAY. MOREOVER, THE VIEWERS HAD TENDED TO WATCH NEWS AT 6 PM.

6 pm is the most favourite time(You should give detailed information about its number) to watch news in January while THE number of people (...) are 3(Avoid multi-interpretation so that you are supposed to write its quantity clearly).

... 6 pm fall at about 4 million viewers , but it still became ...
In May, the number of people (...) illustrate the close number while 1 pm show the lowest viewers.(Please, rewrite this because readers difficult to get the point)

Meanwhile, in August both ofviewers in 6 pm and 9.30 pm decrease(Where are the detailed informations?. This is the body paragraph so that you should show the deatiled data) while the number of ...

Please, review my notes.
Keep Writing
GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / It is a waste of money to establish libraries since the public can use the Internet at home. [5]

Hi Mister Ivan.
I have read your essay closely. In this moment, I focus on your contents. Hopefully, you can review my notes so that in the next term you can improve your essay.

Turning to the introduction, I have understood to paraphrase the statement. I have got the same meaning with the original statement. Besides that, you can show your position clearly in the thesis statement. However, be careful of using linking words. You are supposed to pick up the proper linking words.


This statement actually has not contrast with the previous sentence so that you should write "besides that" or other linking words which state that is the same way.


Actually, your second paragraph could answer the prompts, but you did not mention in the thesis. I think you are gonna tend to explain about the Internet. It is better if you mentioned your opinion totally in the thesis statement.


Keep in your mind the conclusion is the paraphrase of the thesis statement so that you should show your position once more to emphasize.

Note: Apart from that, you should read more examples of the writing task 2 to find the sense of essay. Honestly, your flow still needs improvement because readers sometimes pause to understand your sentence.

overall, it is a good essay
Keep Writing
GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / A perception of several people, that building new libraries is impractical and just waste money. [4]

Hi Miss Pramudia..
I have read your essay closely and focused on your contents, not the grammar. Please, you review my notes because it can help you to reach the high score.

Firstly, you successfully paraphrased the statement well because I can get the same meaning. However,for a thesis statement, you created it so much.


I really agree if you explained your reasons why you disagree with the statement, but you can minimize your reasons and did not seem detailed. For example:

I firmly disagree with that state since reading on the screen can impact health and not all people can access the Internet.


Actually, you have answered the prompt given, but your flow should be improved better. You reread your sentence before you upload to check your flow so that readers do not pause when they review this.

Its reason is because using the screen to read can brings negative effect for eyes.


You should also mention this effect in the thesis statement so that you show your mind totally there. It can make readers think you include the new opinion.


keep in your mind the conclusion is the paraphrase of the thesis statement.

Keep Writing
GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / Development of technologies changes the way of looking the information. Are libraries still needed? [3]

Hi Miss Ifra.
I have read your essay closely. In this time, I only concentrate on your contents.


Honestly, I like your way to write the thesis statement because you briefly explained your reason why you stated like that. However, you are consistent to explain in the body paragraph.


You tended to review the benefit of using the internet. You passed the propmpts given. Focus on the statement to deal with the task responses.


This seemed as the suggestion, not the reason why you disagree the statemen. You should write
The library can become the convenient place for studying.


You have to remember that the conclusion is created from paraphrasing the thesis statement. It is different between the thesis and conclusion.

Note: One of the most factors which you have to pay attenttion is your flow. Keep in your mind that your job in the writing task 2 is to communicate with the readers, not to impress them so that you pick up words appropriately to describe what you mind. Besides that, you harness the proper linking words to make your move smoother.

Keep Writing
GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / Establishing Library Waste Much Money Since People Can Use Internet [2]

Hi Anna..
These are a few corrections to improve your essay.


Actually, you successfully create the introduction well, even you display what you will explain in the body paragraph. However, you can make your thesis statement shorter.

INFORMATION BECAUSE THE INTERNET STILL PROVIDES THE VAGUE DATA.


Apart from that, ......


Actually, those can support your opinion to show your disagreement. However, you did not construct your sentences systematically so that you appeared the bad flow. You are supposed to reread your sentences to make you sure that readers can get the points in your essay.


I know you wanna create unfamiliar intro sentence in the conclusion paragraph. However, you should be careful because not all can be used in the essay or formal writing. You should harness usual sentences (in conclusion, to conclude, or to sum up)

Overall, you successfully answer the question well.

Writing Feedback / Some claim that a new library is money waste because we can use internet to get most of information [2]

Hello Miss Ba'da..
These are a few suggestions to finalize your essay.


You have to remember that Internet always pairs with article THE because it is only one in the world.
The Internet


this statement owing to the fact that not all people can access the Internet.


In the thesis statement, you stated that you totally disagree. However, you experienced contradiction in the first body paragraph.


You never mentioned that you agree for some of case. The disagreement was displayed clearly so that I am surprised when you explain the benefit of the internet. Besides that, you are supposed to concentrate on prompts. You should review why constructing the library does not waste money. unfortunately, your flow is not enough good. You directly stated that


but you tended to explain the Internet without mentioning the library in previous sentences.

Turning to the second paragraph, you have touched the prompt. You elucidated that some roles of the library can be not replaced by the Internet. However, you reread your sentences to make you sure what you write is what in your mind. For example,


the internet because not all people in varied areas can access on the Internet well.

Keep writing
Good Luck

Writing Feedback / Internet will replace library - it's a matter of time [3]

Hi Miss Meireza.
I have read your essay closely and found a few odd things about contents. Please, let me finalize this.

Miss, you successfully create an introduction paragraph well. You can paraphrase the statement without changing the meaning. However, you displayed discussion in the thesis statement which is not accordance with the body paragraph. I think you will explain roles of the library, which can be not replaced by the Internet, but you tended to explain the function of the Internet. Honestly, I have not found where you show your disagreement.


Apart from that, your flow is not enough good. There you explained that the Internet has negative effects. After that, you directly review about the library as the source of information. I have found the main topic clearly which you would explain. You have to remember that your job in the essay is to communicate with the readers, not to impress them. When the readers pause, so your flow is bad.

Keep Writing
GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / Writing Task 1: The average daily figures for Channel One News over a 12-month period [3]

Hi Miss Aini.
These are my thought toward your writing.


As we see, those certainly experience different trend. Whereas you did not mention, readers will know that you will change without seeing the graph because you create the meaningless overview. It will seem as hackneyed sentences. Avoid them.


Are you sure that the most popular news is 9.30 program, not 6 pm program? You have to be careful of reading the data. Your score will fall if you describe the data appropriately.

OVERALL, IT CAN OBVIOUSLY SEEN THAT CHANNEL ONE HAD DIVIDED NEWS PROGRAMS INTO THREE TIMES PER DAY, BUT THE COMPANY HAD HAD A POLICY TO ADD BROADCASTING THE NEWS AT 11 PM SINCE 1ST MAY. FURTHERMORE, VIEWERS HAD TENDED TO WATCH NEWS AT 6 PM.


Honestly, your grouping is not enough interesting because you play safely. You are likely to describe the data separately, not to compare amongst the figures. You cannot get the high score if you do that since one of the prompts is comparing the figures. Please, you call your attention to this matter.

Keep Writing..
GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / The number of graduates in Canada between 1992 and 2007 [3]

Hello Mr. Amril
These are my corrections to finalize your writing

in Canada over A 15-year period is...
... facts to emerge are that both men and women had similar patterns and ... THE PROPORTION OF GRADUATED STUDENTS IN CANADA HAD TENDED A GRADUAL INCREASE. TURNING TO DIFFERENT GENRE, THE RATE OF GRADUATIONS FOR WOMEN ALWAYS HAD BEEN MORE THAN THE MALE STUDENTS.

... of women graduates stood at just under APPROXIMATELY 100,000 GRADUATES, higher than men with THE DIFFERENT NUMBER BY AROUND 30,000 PEOPLE .


You have to remeber that your job in the writing task 1 is to compare figures, not to describe separately. You really played safely, whereas there was a prompt supposed to compare. You cannot reach the high score if you can deal with the prompts relatively.

Please, you read many example to find the sense of wiritng task 1
Keep Writing
GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / How simple ideas led to scientific discoveries [2]

Hi Mister Riandi.
These are a few corrections for your summary

There are several ways that TO make A scientific research will be simple to BE understand UNDERSTOOD. Richard gives GAVE the illustration (...) with using A wagon and ..

Plus Erastothenes try TRIED to measure ...
After that, Ahmad wants WANTED to continue Galileo's experiment BY using simple materials such as wheels, A mirror, and eye. Eventually, he did CONDUCTED it so that it makeseasy to understand COULD BE UNDERSTOOD EASILY for several people. Furthermore, a citizen can do CONDUCTED this experiment as (...) and convenient to BE exploreD.

Sir, ensure that what you write is what you mind. There was sometimes a passive word, but you make it active. Besides that, pay attention to use of tenses. You have to know when you harness the present and past tense.

Keep writing
GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / People may become crazy over such things as sports, religion and learning English [3]

Hi Miss Mujadiddah.
I have read you summary closely and found some which you should develop to show better progress. Please, you meet my notes and review them.

Miss, when you wanna create a summary, you should display identity of your original video briefly. You can cover all in a sentence. For example, "THIS SUMMARY IS CREATED FROM A VIDEO ON TED'S WEBSITE, WHICH WAS FILLED BY ....... IN..... That explanation can introduce the orginal video which you extracted. Besides that, you fail showing key points of the summary. You should be able to cover all elements of the question (1H+5W). Unfortunately, you cannot make readers curious to watch the video because you can show its contents. It can seem like a meaningless paragraph. You have to have the main topic which you will review in the summary so that you do not move from a topic to another topic. Follwing that, dd not include supporting sentence to make them as untiy. Please, you can provide more time to work it so that you can show the better effort.

Keep Writing
GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / Summarize article : earthquake happen in New Zealand [4]

Hi Andika.
These are my thoughts to fin alize your summary

Note: You should reread your summary so that you can find the better flow or sense before you display for readers. Honestly, you sometimes make the readers pause to get points of your summary because you suddenly move to another topic. Besides that, you are supposed to pick up proper lingking words to guide the readers.

Keep Writing
GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / (Summary Article) Why Mark Zuckerberg Is Fortune's Businessperson of the Year [11]

Facebook, one of the most enormous company COMPANIES was MAKES surprised people SURPRISED in the world. Because the chairman, Mark Zuckerberg became BECOMES fortune's businessperson of the year. Facebook which had HAS(This is a fact so that you are supposed to harness the simple present tense) 16.000 employess EMPLOYEES (Avoid misspelling) and got annual revenues almost $27 billion in 2016, with profit approximately $7 billion. In THE past, facebook WAS perhaps only small business which built by drop out chair. Nevertheless, now THE COMPANY had HAVE been the biggest company in the world,particulary PARTICURLALY in media and advertisement. The company has estimated to be worth $350 billion. In consequency CONSEQUENT, mark became Mark BECOMES one of the richiest RICHEST man MEN in the world and winner many awardS of business. He has inspired most of people. In comparison, he IS A leader his company started since build until now. On THE other hand, Larry Page as chairman and CEO of alphabet, didn't DID NOT (Never ever ever use contraction in the formal writing) leader google before different with mark. Why did he can become good businessperson? he said you must have ablity ABILITY to see the world, consistency, and discipline.

Note: Please, before you upload your summary, you should reread to diminish your misspellings.

Writing Feedback / TED Summary : The discovery that could rewrite physics - Allan Adams [2]

Hi Nurul.
these are my thoughts to finalize your summary

Allan Adams is a MIT'S associate professor who focusING on Theoretical Physics.
... at the night sky,(Do not forget putting a comma bacause although it is a small thing, it is essential in the grammar) we will see stars, (...) and further we ARE GOING TO see nothing. In that nothingness is the ...

IN THE SAME SIDE, Researchers mapped the afterglow ...
... 'wiggle' in that early universe that WHICH have been stretched ...
... the form of the universe WHICH could be rung by quantum mechanics then which AND THEN produce gravitational waves.
THE Gravitational waves were (...) be identified until recently CAN HAVE BEEN IDENTIFIED.

Note: Please, harness tenses and linking words appropriately. You need improving your flow.

Writing Feedback / Bringing up successful kids without over parenting [2]

Hi Miss Imanina..
These are my thoughts towards your summary.

IN VIDEO OF TED, Julio Lycott-Haims explains regarding EXPLAINED ABOUT the successful ...
... with the situation for IN THE future.
... sure that they get THE best education.
... suggested that parentS are DO not only concentration CONCENTRATE on boosting their ...
In most cases, we easily find that AS FAR AS WE KNOW THAT parents have their own...
... is utterly acceptable, she emphasizes EMPHASIZED that it is important to ...
For example, THE parents can courage them to build A POSITIVE THING such communities ...
... support them in having THE better personality.
Note: Pay attention to use of tenses

Writing Feedback / Some people believe that violence on television and in computer games has .. [2]

Hi Ivan..
These are my thoughts towards your essay. Please, you check them>

The rising livels LEVELS(Be careful of misspelling)
... world is too small and SO THAT(harness appropriate conjuntions to make a flow better) we tend to transfer


Could you make it simpler..?? I knew what you mean. You wanna explain people are likely to remember something negative, especially the violence. However, you make your sentences difficult to be understood. I must pause to get the point of your essay. Keep in your mind that you communicate with readers in this essay, not to impress them.


You mentioned that there is a scientific fact. You are supposed to review contents of the research briefly to strengthen what you write. If you do not, it will seem as layman's opinion.


I know you wanna make the examiner impressive with your vocabulary. However, for the element people have known like the into words of conclusion, I suggest you harness general words such as (In conclusion, to conclude, to sum up). Make it clear that is the conclusion paragraph.


Why did you explain new substances in the conclusion? The conclusion is linear with the thesis statement. Well, you can give suggestions after you write paraphrasing your thesis statement.

Writing Feedback / The number of graduated scholars from Canadian schools [2]

Hi Miss Kiky.
these are my thoughts towards your writing. Actually, your writing is a good job. However, you should have a bravery to compare figures.


the similar pattern for both figures of female and male, showing the upward trend. However, the number of female graduations always had been more than males.

Turning to your body paragraph, you create sentence less interesting. I mean that you did not compare directly. You explained first about conditions of the female figure. After that, you continue reviewing about another figure. you are supposed to compare both figures in the same year. The way to improve your score is demonstrating your abliti to compare. Besides that, you convert the quantity of both figures to form of fraction to make those more various.

Writing Feedback / The number of people visiting the music choice and the pop parade sites [2]

Hi nurul.
Here are my corrections for your writing. Please, find my notes.


Are you sure that those are similar? Be careful of picking up the trends in overview because there is one of essential secores. I am gonna offer the alternative overview.

Overall, it is important to note that visitors on the website prefer to access the site providing a genre of pop parade to music choice. Turning to a number of visitors for two sites, the beginning and last period show the same gap virtually.


This is not a transitive word. Please, you order the proper transitive words to create good flow in your writing.


present comparisons in your writing like this.
INITIALLY, THE NUMBER OF VISITS FOR THE MUSIC CHOICE STATES AT 40,000s, WHILE THE SITE OF POP PARADE SUCCESSFULLY ATTRACT FOUR TIMES AS MUCH VISITORS.


IN THE NEXT FOLLOWING DAYS. Determining the time also is important because it becomes reference to read your descripsion.


You have to distinguish between the number people and visits because a person can access the website more times. It is better if you mention visits

Writing Feedback / Article Summary : The Sweet scent of plastic lures seabirds to a dangerous snack [2]

Hi Nurul.
these are my thoughts towards your summary

THIS IS A SUMMARY EXTRACTED FROM AN ARTICLE ON NEWSCIENTIST'S WEBSITE(You should provided the introduction sentence before you reviewed contents in the article) .

... swirling in the sea and make CAUSE the fishES poisoned dead DEATH. The marine creatures ...
THE Plastic resembles a drifting jellyfish to THE marine creatures.
Savoca(Who is this.? You should explain her.) and his colleagues (...) left in the ocean,.(make you sure that there needs a comma or period) it might become covered with sulphur that are(you should omit this) produced by algae.

... he put some plasticS and left them ...
... compound let them has HAVE the same ...
... seek out the food using HARNESS their smelling skill ...

Writing Feedback / There are several predominant factors to reach happiness [3]

Hi Meireza..
Here are my corrections towards your essay


THAT HAPPINESS IS CONSIDERED


HAPPINESS IS NOT EASY
(Please, make sure what you write is what in your mind)


I think you only focus on the first question, whereas there were two questions. You should show briefly about factors to reach the happiness. Your score will fall down because you only describe the prompts partially. Before you work the essay, you are supposed to create brainstorming.


Please, you concentrate on the prompts. your explanations widened. Really, you have to connect your sentence to another sentence so that readers can get points what you mind. Honestly, your sentences make me pause to get your meaning. You have to remember that in the essay you should communicate with the readers, not to impress them.


This is the essay which you have to build systematically. I mean you have to explain what you state in the body paragraph. Those seemed like the layman's opinions because you list your view solely, but you did not include supporting sentences.


this can be not defined as the conclusion sentences. Keep in your mind, the conclusion is written from your the thesis statement.

Please, review my notes so that you do not make the same mistakes.

Writing Feedback / We should use the time wisely and give our love to the others, in order to attract the happiness [2]

Hi Miss Bada..
I have read your essay closely. I have held a few which you have to improve. Please, you follow patches I gave.


This is far from indicators as a thesis statement. It seemed as paraphrase of the question. If you wanna reach the high score, you are supposed to mention about your view about those matters. You can write two or three words to show your opinion at the thesis statement. However, those are supposed to have the same discussion in the body paragraph.

Turning to the first body paragraph, you tended to review definitions of the happiness from some perspectives, whereas the question asks you to explain why the happiness is difficult to define.You have to remember that your first job in the writing task 2 is to brainstorm what you wanna write in your essay. The question should be understood deeply because it is the edge of what you will explain. Please, keep this alarm in your mind.

In the second body paragraph, you created contradiction sentences, whereas the prompts only asked to show important factors to achieve the happiness. You only tell those factors to readers with explanations or supporting sentences.


Please, you pay attention to the prompts.


Avoid to use it. That is used in the informal writing. You should harness (In conclusion, to conclude, or to Sum up)

Writing Feedback / There are some factors which can help people to gain joyfulness. [3]

Hi Miss Septi.
Here are my correction for your essay in the side of contents. Please, you call your attention to my notes so that you do not make same mistakes.


I like your way to paraphrase the statement because that still has the same meaning. However, you have to sharpen your thesis statement. I have found your view clearly. Please, you show your response to two questions in the thesis statement. It can help to boost your score better. Those all can be described in one or two words.


Scientific fact is one of supporting sentence the most meaningful. However, in this matter, your scientific did not relate to your opinion and did not touch the prompt. Be careful of picking the example up. It can make boomerang for your opinion. Consequently, your paragraph was out of the topic.


it has different meaning with happiness


Please, you rewrite this because that is bad flow. I have to pause to understand your mind. Keep in your mind that the main aim in this test is to communicate with readers, not to impress them.

Writing Feedback / Most people in all surveyed countries tend to spent their money on food, drinks, and tobacco [3]

Hi Ifra.
These are my thoughts towards your writing.


Avoid the sentence like this. It can be not defined as the overview. It seemed as the hackneyed sentence. The overview includes key features clearly but could be more fully extended. That is the usual information because it is a part of table.


REREAD YOUR SENTENCE BEFORE YOU UPLOAD

I have read your body paragraph closely and found some things which you have to improve. First, the sense of comparisons did not seem clear here. I do not know why you work like this. I think you still need more time to work this and are not in rush. I remember you again that your job in the writing task 1 is to compare the figures, not to describe separately. You cannot get the high score on condition that you cannot present the element. Following this, Do not forget to put the information about the quantity. You should write 28.91%. Avoid making multi-interpretations. Lastly, you have to have a bravery to transfer the data to the reality circumstances so that this is more interesting.


You should learn different function between the conjunction and transitive word.

I really believe you can master this. You are only patient to pass the process. As many as you practice, you can be competent in this skill as soon as possible.

keep writing
GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / Happiness itself differ from one to another and it cannot be explained by words [2]

Hello Miss Ifra.
I have read your essay closely and found some which you should improve. I focus on your contents, but I really hope you can review my patches so that you can enhance quality of your essay.


Well, you successfully show thesis statement separately. I got points of your opinion. However, you have to analyze there were 2 sentences so that you are supposed to give the statement totally.


If you wanna reach a higher score, you have to create the thesis statement clearly about your view, whereas those are only described by one or two words.


The main aim of essay is to demonstrate your analyze and opine so that you avoid the opinion of others in the first sentence. I think it can be used to encourage your opinion. It will make the expert's opinion more dominant.


Honestly, you unsuccessfully touched the prompt. The question asks you to explain why the happiness is difficult to define. Fine, you explain little in the least sentence, but you did not explain systematically and did not give logic flow.

Turning to the second body paragraph, your explanations were out of the topic. Please, focus on the prompts. those all can make your score fall down whereas your grammar is very good. one of the essential factors is task response. I really hope you can show the positive progress in the next term.

Keep Spirit
GOOD LUCK
:D

Writing Feedback / The number of commodities transported in United Kingdom 1984-2002 using various transportation [3]

Hi Faiz..
These are my thoughts towards your writing.

I suggest you add words when you work wiring task 1. You should write 170-180 words in the writing task 1.


You should bear your overview in the reality. Don't make multi-interpretations. I am gonna give you the example of overview for that matter.
"Overall, it is important to note that commodities carried through the road were the highest proportion in the whole period, while the pipeline was another alternative track to bear the lowest rate of products.In any case, transports by using the water overtook the position of the rail transport in the percentage of products carried."



Honestly, you make major mistake. You did not mention the number of quantity. Unfortunately, there should be tons, but you convert to the percentage.
Almost the data did not include the information about the ton.
Please, pay attention to this matter.

Writing Feedback / Proportion of products transported in the United Kingdom by road, rail, water and pipeline [2]

Hi Miss Septi..
I wanna try reviewing your writing in the side of contents.

I only remember that you have limited time to work writing task 1, for approximately 20 minutes. Consequently, you are supposed to be more selective to describe the data. You write many words. Generally, in the writing task 1, you should write 170-180 words. It's enough for the examiner. Avoid to write more than 200 words.


Misspelling is a thing seeming small. However, it can make your score fall down. Please, you care about it.


Honestly, you have learned your mistakes previously. You successfully created the overview clearly and simply. Good Job


In the side of the grammar, you can make well. However, you have to make yourself more challenged. present more comaprisons.
"With regards to the two highest proportion in the first period, while 40 tons of commodities were bear by using a track of rail, through the track of road its number was almost twice as much."



Hi Miss, pay attention to the number of quantity. You have to mention it. 70 tons, 40 tons,...

Writing Feedback / Cement and concrete processes - both use rotating force to make the cement and mixing the concrete [3]

Hi Mr. Ivan
Overall, your writing is free of major grammar mistakes. However, let me finalize your writing. Please, review my notes

... cement is produced with the tools EQUIPMENT (you should find the meaning of a word in a dictionary before you use it. There is an example where and when the word is used) explained, and the ...


I am gonna give the alternative overview to enhance your score.
Overall, it can be seen obviously that there are four main steps passed in the process of producing the cement before it is harnessed. Meanwhile, the process of making concrete needs one step solely, but this is supposed to mix four sources.

..., heat producer, AND grinder and bags .
The powder is gone BEAR to the mixer (...) along with heat that created by the heat source.

in A tenTH water is used as well.
... of the material is ARE placed in...

Writing Feedback / The concrete is processed by mixing all of the ingredients into the concrete mixer. [3]

Hi Miss Ifra..
These are my suggestions to finalize yours


Miss, be careful of paraphrasing. Besides that, you have to analyze the diagram because you state different meaning of the Picture The right picture actually describe the process of producing the concrete.

In the process of processing making the (...) clays are MAIN SOURCES used as inputs. After that, THE cement as (...) production becomeS an input in concrete production MIXED with sand...

Making cement consists of NEEDS (Please, you reread your sentence so that you can make sure you what you write is what in your mind) the crusher, mixer, ...

... clay are put into THE crusher MACHINE.
... there is powder which is(Conduct omitting so that you can demonstrate your skill in the grammar) needed to ...
... mixer machine and get BEAR into a rotating heater.
... in grinder machine and put IS PACKED into the cement bags.

Concreting cement THE CONCRETE is processed by mixing...
... needed to create THE concrete cement. At the same time, sand about 25 percent OF SAND and 50 percent OF gravel are put into THE concrete mixer.

... all of the materials and FINALLY produce the concrete cement.

Writing Feedback / Cement is made by limestone and clay, besides, concrete is from cement, sand, gravel, and water [4]

Hi Miss Bada'..
I have read your writing. In this moment, I am gonna focus on contents. Please, you review my note so that you can improve your writing in the next term.

GOOD LUCK


Please, you avoid writing detailed information in an overview of writing task 1. Tha is supposed to be explained in the body paragraph. I wanna give you the alternative overview.

"Overall, it can be obviously seen that there are four main steps needed to produce the cement before it is utilized. Meanwhile, the process of concrete production only passes one step, but this mixes four essential sources."

... clay are poured into A crusher MACHINE to change...
... cylinder heater that it will rotating ROTATE when it is ...
After that, it is grindED in order to become THE cement. Finally, THEcement is ABLE TO BE packed by IN A bag.

... diagram, THE cement will be used ...
... poured into THE mixer MACHINE together ...
The last, after THE concrete form is ...

Writing Feedback / The information regarding to some steps and tools that are used to produce cement and concrete [2]

Hi Miss Septia.
I have read your writing closely. In this moment, I concentrate on contents in this writing. Please, you review my notes so that you will not make the same mistakes.


Why I correct your overview is because that is really essential in writing task 1. Honestly, your sentences in the overview tended as the hackneyed sentence. Generally, people have known the process of cement production needs more equipment. It happened at the last sentence in the overview. I am gonna demonstrate making the overview.

"Overall, it is important to note that there are four primary steps passed in the production process of the cement before it is utilized. Meanwhile, the process of concrete production only needs one step, but this is supposed to mix four essential sources."

To begin with, there are two main materials which should ... TWO MATERIALS HAS TO BE PROVIDED BEFORE STARTING THE PROCESS. that THOSE are limestone and clay. THE First step, IS THAT these THE materials are crushed by crusher untill UNTIL the material sizes powder.

... to heat it in THE rotating heater.
... needs to be processed in THE grinder to produce cement MAKE THAT BECOMES THE CEMENT POWDER.
(Actually, you denied the mixed process. you only mentioned "


')

..., THE concrete-making process can be started.
The first step is that pour POURING these materials into THE concrete mixer.
Finally, THE concrete can ...

NOTE: Please, reread your writing before you upload so that you can avoid misspellings.

Writing Feedback / The information about the percentage of budget allocated by a school in UK for some aspects [3]

Hi Ifra.
These are my thoughts towards your writing. Please, you provide your time to review my notes. Hopefully, those can help you.
GOOD LUCK

... give the information about outcome aspects in the one... THE PERCENTAGE OF BUDGET ALLOCATED BY A SCHOOL IN UK FOR SOME ASPECTS IN THREE DIFFERENT YEARS; 1981, 1991, and 2001.


To get the high score, you can directly demonstrate your ability to compare figures.
Overall, it is important to note that the school's management always had prioritized to allocate most of incomes for salaries of teachers, while the cost of insurance in the school had become the lowest expenditure.


Honestly, your body paragraph was less interesting. You have to be braver to show off. I mean you compare the figures. For example:
Initially, the salaries for teachers successfully had become the highest spending in the school with the percentage at two-fifths. Meanwhile, the fund for the insurance broke a record as the lowest expenditure in the same year, regarding at 2%. Besides that, while two aspects, the learning resources and equipment, were the same level at 15%, the salaries for other workers started the second highest spending representing at almost twice as much in 1981,

Writing Feedback / Buying furniture and equipment saw a dramatic jump from 1991 to 2001 spending by a UK school [2]

Hi Miss Rezki.
Here are my few corrections to finalize your writing.


Keep in your mind that the overview of writing task 1 is really essential so that you should analyze conditions of figures well. I am gonna offer you the alternative overview, and I really hope you can understand steps which I do to get that.

Overall, it can be obviously seen that the management of the school always had prioritized to allocate most of the budget for salaries of teachers, while the cost of insurance in the school had become the lowest expenditure. Based on changes in the figures, only the percentage of the insurance had experienced movement significantly and regularly.

I have read your body paragraph closely, but there was an odd thing. Its reason is because you make this like listing the data. You have to remember your job in the writing task 1 is to compare the figures, not to describe separately. Please, you review the example I give.


Initially, the salaries of teachers commanded the highest spending in the school with the percentage at two-fifths. Meanwhile, the budget for the insurance broke a record as the lowest expenditure in the same period, representing at 2%.

I really hope those can help to get the key points of the writing task 1. As many as you read the examples, you can find the sense of the writing task 1. Trust me, you can master this skill on condition that you wanna practice more and more.

Keep writing
GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / Is there any connection between children's learning ability at school and the food that they eat? [3]

Hi Septia..
these are my thoughts towards your essay


I am surprised to see your progress. You have shown the better progress. Actually, your thesis statement is simple and can cover all. However, you passed the first question "How true...". There needed a little explanation.

Turning to the first body paragraph, you have learned previous experience. You can demonstrate your ability to build the complex sentence. The examiner can admit your good ability in the grammar. Besides that, you successfully create the good flow. I can get the points of your writing. Only a little time is needed to read your essay, and I got them. I never paused to find the meaning of your sentences. Although you harness the simple words, but you avoided the repetition. Following that, you pick up the example relating to your opinion. I appreciate your effort because you order the research from which almost all people know about that institution.


Please, make sure what you write is like what you mind. It is really contradictive with previous statement.
THUS, THE PARENTS DO NOT HAVE TO WORRY SINCE THEIR CHILDREN BRING AND EAT HOME-MADE.............


Where is the conclusion for the second question?

OVERALL, YOUR ESSAY IS A GOOD JOB