Writing Feedback / High school graduate or experience which important to get job? [3]

Hello, Nisa
Your introduction is simple and directly to the point. However, it is not error-free. the way you paraphrase the question is still too similar with your writing (the best way to get job), "to get job" even repeated twice there. many words from the question that you did not change or look for the synonyms ones. this will affect your lexical resource marking. remember, to produce a well essay with a high score in vocabulary does not mean you should deliver many uncommon or advanced words, you just need to show that you have a good skill on communicating English via your writing by flexibly use varied vocabulary on delivering your sentence.


this sentence should be grammatically revise.

overall, your idea is relevant. But, again, you still produce many errors, particularly on the function or meaning of your sentence. consider this:



graduated from high school obviously different with university graduate. you need to clearly able to differentiate it. this makes your explanation irrelevant.

keep improving your writing. break a leg

Writing Feedback / summary article Arctic ice melt is killing birds [3]

-........Not only affects to the widespread countries, [what does this mean?] WIDELY AFFECTED COUNTRIES but also ecosystems ...

-......of obvious CERTAIN species such as (...) because OF ....
- ..., animals in other continentSare affected [PASSIVE??? SO WHAT THE CORRELATION WITH 'CANADIAN ARCTIC ARCHIPELAGO'???] critical part of the ecosystem in ...
---> MAY YOU YOU WANT TO SAY : animals in other continents ...
-, which has more than 36,000 islands.
Reindeer or being well-known as caribou travelS over the ice (...) and shelter [comma] and raise their young.

as you can see, you are still having problem in accuracy although it is better than before. Now you also need to concern on the function/meaning of each of your sentences to ensure that you deliver understandable summary. Your understanding on the article is also essential as you cannot make a superb summary without in-dept comprehending on the article you read

Writing Feedback / Water cycle - there are three main processes: evaporation, rain, and water running back to the sea. [2]

by reading your essay, it is evident that you have such an enhanced skill on writing as you deliver an essay that free from major errors and only presented very few minor errors. it has emphasized that you have a good control in accuracy. However, I can conclude that you still have a problem on writing at ideal length on a given time, around 20 minutes. we know that you should write at least 150 words there while your essay is exactly composed of 150 words which is too risky. you need to practice to write fast either think fast of what you would deliver on your essay.

if you have a problem on the length of your writing, on this case too short, you may write too efficient or just simply do not covers all the main/interesting facts and ideas of the question/diagram.

here some alternatives to lengthen your summary:


you may need to mention where the plant and trees grow as the third site of evaporation process


where the rain usually falls down?particularly shown by the diagram


need to mention that all those water flows are naturally accumulated/stored in the sea

GOOD LUCK FOR YOUR NEXT WRITING

Writing Feedback / Chris Anderson gives many formulas for all people to become a good speaker. [7]

Chris Anderson, givemany formula for all people to become a good speakers.
SEVERE PROBLEMS IN ACCURACY
*punctuation
*singular plural issue
-->Chris Anderson gives[or in this case 'GAVE' since it was delivered when he presented speech on TED TALK, or HAS GIVEN as there is no clear information about time given and it still has an effect till now]many formulas/formulae for all people in order to become a good speaker

First,the first thing you need to do is communicate properly, [full stop]
secondly [need comma] build your ideas and make your audience curiositycuriousandthen guess what will you speakingsay next.
....., let it flowS and influenceS the audience. Everyone can becamebecome a good speaker if they are confident to speak.

even from a very short summary of yours, I can find many issues. you really need to concern on your writing, particularly for its accuracy

Writing Feedback / What are the problems caused by overreliance on private cars? How to tackle it? [2]

... taken into account is no oneprivate car/no one using their own car entering ......, in exception by usingfor public transportS / FOR THOSE USING PUBLIC TRANSPORTS .


Apart from your well developed paragraph, you never emphasized or even mention that it is because the massive number of private cars, so you delivered a vague explanation in which readers should find by their selves the correlation of this paragraph with others or with the question given

The fact that AN overwhelming NUMBERof private vehicles deteriorates ......
Certainly, a PRIVATE/SELF-OWNED car emits more emission.......than public transport does.
This attemptS has been proven ......
... decline of gas emissions since 2010 [LOCALLY OR GLOBALLY? to give strong statement you should say is the benefits for Japan only or this local measurement has greatly affected the earth].

... that the authorities SHOULD cut off the number of those ...

*I glad to say that it is enjoyable to read your writing. You delivered such a well-development essay by also using some less or sophisticated vocabulary. However, please concern about my suggestion or correction and work through it as I hope these can help you to enhance your work. Good Luck

Writing Feedback / Summary Article - Airbnb launched new service [5]

Airbnb, the company which shook up the world particularly hotel ...

TOO LONG AND INACCURATE SENTENCE. BESIDES, IT IS HARD TO UNDERSTAND WHILE THE WAY YOU COMPOSED IT IMPEDE COMMUNICATION
YOU MAY WRITE:
A company, Airbnb, shook up the world, particularly hotel industry, because its sophisticated apps that connecting people who want to travel to many places with those house or apartment owners who want to rent their property

...... the A new service called airbnb trips.
What is that? If THE previous airbnb[CONCERN ON CAPITALIZATION ISSUE] just for rent their[THIS REFER TO?] houseS [NEED COMMA]but , now it also can make OFFERS A CHANCE FOR THE owner house OWNERS TO became BECOME tour guide or host for THEIR client.

-Unfortunately, this service currently IS implemented only (...) company HAS promised THAT THEY will launched IT until FOR UPP TO 50 cities next year.

many issues you need to concern on, the first and the most severe is about accuracy and meaning of your sentence

Writing Feedback / The Rare Phenomenon of deliquescetion of Polar Iceberg [4]

... is about 200 ft. HEIGHT out of the waterthat is melt to be glaciers[glacier is large mass of ice, thus it cannot be mentioned that 'melt into glacier' as melt means turn into liquid or softer state. make sure to delivered a proper and accurate information]and it's the amount almost slightly.cannot understand what you meant here!

The liquefaction liquidation of the icebergs can result much of INCREASE THE NUMBER OF meneral MINERALS in water which ...
The average AGE of THE VERY YOUNG polar ice is very young which is above one hundred thousand years old.

TO COMPOSE A PROPER SUMMARY:
1)LISTEN/READ THE SOURCE
2) WRITE DOWN THE MAIN IDEAS/INFORMATION INTO PARAPHRASED WORDS OR YOUR NATIVE LANGUAGE
3) REWRITE AND COMPOSE THOSE DATA INTO A SUMMARY
4) RECHECK IS YOUR SENTENCE IS UNDERSTANDABLE?GIVING THE EXACT MEANING WITHOUT USING THE SAME WORDS? IF SUCH THE PROBLEMS OCCUR, YOUR SUMMARY IS BAD AND NEED TO REWRITE AGAIN

Writing Feedback / The Launching of 'Post-Truth' Concept in Oxford's Word of the Year for 2016 [3]

again, it is hard to understand what you meant, not only because a severe problem in grammatical accuracy but also because the word chosen and the way you compose your sentences. mostly, those are not make a sense. I have reminded you many times that you should understand first what you read, grasp the main ideas there and write it down using new vocabulary since the next step is paraphrasing. without clear and sufficient understanding, you will not be able to compose a proper summary.

make sure that you attached the complete link of the sourceso that people who want to give you feedback can easily read the article and compare it with yours, or in any case like mine, unable to comprehend your writing, they can check it to give you more valuable suggestion and correction

The one A method / ONE OF METHODS to keep the (...) and preoccupations that are the selection of IS THROUGH Oxford's editors WHO SELECT the word by Oxford's editors.


COMPLETELY LOST IN THIS SENTENCE

The reason of to create CREATING this concept / THE CONCEPT CREATING is FOR increasingof social media and self-belief on our self that precise purpose to improve language skill, mainly in English word, has been discovering the linguistic footing for some time.I CANNOT GIVE ANY CORRECTION EITHER ALTERNATIVES FOR THIS SINCE I REALLY DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU WANT TO DELIVER HERE

WHAT INCLUDED ON The list of the word IS ARE adulting, alt-right, ...

Writing Feedback / Zaria Forman has dedicated herself to preserve indefensible places which are may soon extinct [5]

..... will be extinct / TO EXTINCT by climate change.
It cannot be a dispute / CANNOT BE DISPUTED that there ............

....., it is because she believes that this CAN easily touch people's feeling.

overall, it is clear that you have a good control in grammar and has attempted to write varied complex structure. Thus, it will not help to enhance your skill if you only summary a short and easy article or delivering a very short summary. you need to try to read more complicated article then summarize it well. Look the one which will give you many new and less common vocabulary.

try to look for article in historytoday for example, or just simply look for longer one and article of the subject that you are not familiar with. with this way, you can broaden your horizon, give you many ideas to be developed in both speaking and writing session

Writing Feedback / (Summary Article) Why Mark Zuckerberg Is Fortune's Businessperson of the Year [11]

Facebook, one of the most enormous company COMPANIES was HAS surprised people in the world.
*singular/plural issue
*should not use passive. ruin the meaning

Because the chairman, Mark Zuckerberg became fortune's businessperson of the year.hard to understand. may you want to say : as a result, Mark Zuckerberg, the chairman, has become a fortunate business person of the year

Facebook whichhad HAS 16.000 employess and got GETS annual revenues FOR Falmost $27 billion in 2016, with profit approximately $7 billion PROFIT. In THE past, facebook perhaps WAS only A small business which IS built by drop out people. Nevertheless, now IT had HAS been the biggest company ...

The company has BEEN estimated to be worth AS $350 billion. ..... THERE TOO MANY ERRORS ON THE REST OF YOUR SUMMARY. YOU NEED TO CONCERN ON IT AND REVISE IT IF YOU WANT TO ENHANCE YOUR SKILL

Writing Feedback / The Building of Recent English Words in Our Brain [4]

-The English language ENGLISH is AN international toolsof communication TOOL USED BY to another people in AROUND the world.
-As far as world revolutionary, REVOLUTIONISED, the words in english ENGLISH [CAPITAL] is evolute EVOLVE toobe PRESENT new words.
-The making of the new English wordS only to make THOSE more easilyin understanding in our brain TO BE UNDERSTOOD

-. The establishment of new English word THAT ESTABLISHMENT can be adopted ...
-...For the example is LIKE from France, Japan, etc.
-Secondly, the compounding skill is sequishing the SEQUISHS more than one (...), such as heartbroken is come from two word ...
-Another example is ARE bookworm and sandcastle.
Thirdly, blendING the english word, fourtly WHILE THE FOURTH IS the functional shift is IN which by changing how they THE WORD operate.
-The final LAST way is to take the ...

PROBLEMS IN
1)SINGULAR/PLURAL ISSUE
2) WORD FORMATION
3) CAPITALIZATION
4) SENTENCE STRUCTURE
5) SENTENCE MEANING

Writing Feedback / Summary Article - Speedy bat flies at 160km/h, smashing bird speed record [4]

-......speed nearly 160 Km/h ON FLYING
-... revealed that bird fly 112 km/h, which ONCE made them ...
-... they have discovered AN outcome which people had not heard of. BEFORE
- .....usually used for ON/FOR MEASURING the airplane.
- ... other analysists who HAVE criticized that (...) wrong on estimating process of speed. ITS ESTIMATION/CALCULATION/MEASUREMENT
- ... has a different tendency VIEW/OPINION is Prof. Graham (...) this is untrusted/UNRELIABLE information ....
- ... that bat could fly underIS IT UNDER/AROUND/OR MORE THAN??160 km/h because it was IS helped by gravitation force, impacting to THE increasing OF their ITS flying speed.

... was Brazilian bat which IS well-known by (...) far away FOR almost 50 km.

Writing Feedback / Apple has announcement, that it will sell refurbish Iphone for the first time in nearly a decades. [3]


how similar is that with"The company even has a sophisticated robot, named Liam, that can systematically remove components ..." i found in fortune.co...

also,


. for "Like brand-new iPhones, the refurbished handsets Apple is selling come with new batteries and outer shells. They also come with a one-year warranty" from the same article

at first, make sure that you paraphrase well!

overall, you are quite careful on singular/plural issue, however, there is a severe problem in sentence structure that impede communication.this also can be caused since you did not fully understand the sentence then rearrange its structure rather than properly paraphrase it.

In 2016, As we know Apple, The Company which knowns as produced... --> As we know, Apple which as the producer of Iphone, Macbook, Ipod, and Ipad, announced the plan to sell refurbish Iphone for the first time for this nearly a decade since it started.

the same problems like sentence structure, word formation issue, and punctuation are presented on whole of your summary. revise it. do not forget to only summarize article from the recommended sources

Writing Feedback / High Education for Arabic Woman is Rare Phenomenon [6]

(1) But this statement IS still rare in Arabic country, especially for the womEn .
(2)The higher education IS just for men not for the woman [NO VERB AT FIRST].
(3) The woman just to married in younger age (...) she also managES a utility of family ...

THE SAME PROBLEM HERE. ACCURACY PROBLEM, PARTICULARLY SINGULAR/PLURAL ISSUE IN ALMOST WHOLE OF YOUR SENTENCES. NEED TO RECHECK AND REVISE THE REST OF THIS WRITING

.... many arabic woman ....

another distinct issue in your writing is accuracy on structure. THIS CAUSING PROBLEM ON COMPREHENDING THE MEANING OR THE IDEA THAT YOU WANT TO DELIVER THROUGH YOUR WRITING. Need to learn and practice more while pay attention on appropriate structure on writing

Writing Feedback / It has been 2 decades since Canadian government happily admits immigrants [2]

It has been 2 decades since Canadian government happily admits immigrants. Even there are has been [DOUBLE VERB] a proliferation of refugees (...) asylum-seekers whichhave reached 1% of its total population. It is a higher proportion than any ... STILL TO SIMILAR WITH THE SOURCE. HERE I COPIED FROM THE LINK YOU ATTACHED: It happily admits more than 300,000 immigrants a year, nearly 1% of its population-a ...SEE.. TOO SIMILAR RIGHT? NEED TO MORE PARAPHRASE!bear on your mind that paraphrasing is not a simple work. you should understand first what you read and not just rearrange or change the structure or change the verb.

Firstly, they not only invite them[this refer to whom???] to come but helping them find employment JOB and housing. They[AGAIN, 'THEY' REFER TOO???]believe that "multicultural heritage" is beneficial aspects [SINGULAR/PLURAL ISSUE] of creating prosperity and peaceful. ......

Overall, it clear that you need to learn again how to make a summary and paraphrase well. avoid plagiarism by uploading what you say as your summary when actually you just picked up some information and rearrange it into a much shorter version.

Writing Feedback / The Republic of China: A state-backed up a firm that is developing a gigantic space ship [4]

MESMERIZED BY YOUR OUTSTANDING VOCABULARY AND STRUCTURE ON YOUR SUMMARY, I TYPE THESE SENTENCES ON GOOGLE AND, GOTCHA, I FOUND MANY ARTICLES WITH VERY SIMILAR SENTENCES WITH YOURS. THUS, YOU NEED TO SHOW MORE EFFORT ON PARAPHRASING OR AT LEAST DO NOT JUST COPY PASTE IT. WE KNOW IT.



Then, I have nothing to do with your essay since I realized that actually this is not 'yours'. Paraphrasing is really beneficial for you, ultimately on IELTS, so practice more to do it well. Need to understand first what you read before you can paraphrase it since paraphrasing means you rewrite the sentences using your own vocabulary without alter the meaning or the real intention of the sentences. Good luck on your study

Writing Feedback / People have more attention for a look and not what kind a person someone is. Cameron Russell summary [6]

Image is SO powerful and superficial. Image IT can transform mindset ...
Cameron Russell, as a TED speaker and (...) a decade, was started [PAY MORE ATTENTION ON ACTIVE-PASSIVE FORM AND ITS APPROPRIATE USING WITH REGARD TO ITS MEANING] her history AS SHE became a model. He was awarded by A tall, slender figures , femininiE and white GIRL. She also illustrates (...) image which is constructed CREATED by several people ...POOR COHERENCE WITH THE PREVIOUS SENTENCE

... and she forgot brought BRINGING money.
She regret IT since she got that THOSE things because (...) more attention for[/s MORE ATTRACTED ON how they look ...

OVERALL, THERE IS NO MANY PROBLEMS ON THE STRUCTURE OF YOUR SENTENCES, BUT YOU NEED CONCERN ABOUT THE FLOW OF YOUR WRITING. USING COHESIVE DEVICES DOES NOT ENSURE YOU GET THE GOOD FLOW. STILL, EACH IDEAS SHOULD BE LINKED EACH OTHER.

Writing Feedback / When a high school students graduate, most of them are encouraged to postpone their studies [2]

When high school studentS graduated from school, most of them ARE encouraged to postpone their studies and THEN decided to work or travel. ....I believe that the disadvantages of postponing a year to BEFORE study at university are outweigh its advantages.OVERALL , THIS IS A BRIEF AND EFFECTIVE INTRODUCTORY PARAGRAPH. HOWEVER, THE TASK IS ONLY TO DISCUSS THE PLAUSIBLE ADVANTAGES AND DISADVANTAGED OF GAPPERS PHENOMENON, NOT WHETHER THE ADVANTAGE IS OUTWEIGH THE DISADVANTAGE OR THE RESERVE. THUS, RATHER THAN MENTION ''OUTWEIGH'', IT IS BETTER TO DIRECTLY MENTION YOUR MAIN IDEA, THE ADVANTAGES AND DISADVANTAGES THAT YOU WANT TO DISCUSS IN YOUR BODY PARAGRAPH.


NEED TO EMPHASIZE OR MAKE IT CLEAR THAT THIS PARAGRAPH IS ABOUT THE DEMERIT OF POSTPONING TO ENTER UNIVERSITYTHERE IS NO CLEAR OR RELEVANT MAIN IDEA HERE. YOU JUST GIVE AN EXAMPLE OF THE PHENOMENON, BUT NOT THE FINAL RESULT ON HOW BAD THIS DECISION TO BE TAKEN BY HIGH SCHOOL LEAVERS.

For instance,THIS IS ILLUSTRATED ON a movie which was titled ...
... because of the convenience whereas AT THE FIRST she just wanted to postpone ...

... get the new experience and refresh they THEIR mind after studied FOR almost 12 years. .... NEED TO GIVE MORE SUPPORTING DETAILS OR EXPLANATION OF YOUR MAIN IDEA/STATEMENT BEFORE GIVING EXAMPLE. ....For instance, ....... to cover the future.

STILL NOT DEVELOPED IDEA ALTHOUGH YOU HAVE GIVEN RELEVANT MAIN IDEA HERE. YOU SHOULD DESCRIBE HOW THIS GAPPING EXPERIENCE BENEFITED THOSE WHO POSTPONED FIRST BEFORE STUDY AT THE THIRD EDUCATIONAL INSTITUTION.

... of deciding work or travel FOR A PARTICULAR LENGTH OF TIME before continue studies in university.I suggest to ask parents before doing something because ...POOR SUGGESTION. NEED TO GIVE THE GENERAL, OR COMMONLY TRUE ONE WITHOUT BEING SOUND TO GIVE NEW IDEAS IN CONCLUSION.

Writing Feedback / The line graph presents how many people have no occupation in two developed countries, US and Japan [2]


overall, this is an adequate paraphrasing of the question, but remember that what you need to write in your introductory sentences are the type of graph shown, the data, the units of measurement and the period of time. Thus, it is better if you directly mention ''the percentage of people who have no occupation'' rather than say ''the number''. You can also write the proportion or the ratio to avoid repetition


''no similarity'''is presenting the same/additional information of the statement before, so it is inappropriate to use ''HOWEVER''. I understand that the contradiction is in the end of period, so it may be better to write :

IN ADDITION, THIS TREND BORE NO SIMILARITY IN THE LATTER PERIOD IN WHICH THESE FIGURES BECAME NARROWER; HOWEVER, THEY REACHED AN EQUAL POINT AT 5.0 PERCENT EVENTUALLY

OR
IN ADDITION, THIS TREND BORE NO SIMILARITY IN THE LATTER PERIOD IN WHICH THESE FIGURES BECAME NARROWER ALTHOUGH THEY REACHED AN EQUAL POINT AT 5.0 PERCENT EVENTUALLY


mentioned in each body paragraph. repetition. need to try another phrase

Overall, introduction is well-developed with appropriate information selected to be presented as an overview. The grouping is a little bit vague since you talked about the whole period in the first body then talked about a range of period in another. No major errors. Good Job

Writing Feedback / Proportion of factors why production of farmland decreased in 1990s [6]

INTRODUCTION


INEFFECTIVE AND HARD TO UNDERSTAND
YOU MAY NEED TO WRITE :the proportion of factors causing why farmland production decreased globally in 1990s and some regions affected by those factors is provided by the graph.

you presented an appropriately chosen information here to be presented as an overview

BODY PARAGRAPH

First of all, the deforestation causes CAUSED about ....
This proportion is WAS less than ...
Beside, over cultivate have HAD proportion....

On the other hand, North America has HAD the smallest land degradation in BETWEEN three regions.
WAS just about 3.3 % IN THIS COUNTRY
. This is WAS higher than in south pacific which is WAS no over cultivation.
.... has HAD deforestation factor CAUSING DEGRADATION about 9.8%, and also WHILE 23% OF this area land WAS DEGRADED degradation about 23%.Wherea s, ocean pacific has HAD a bad land which causes of degradation [IMPROPER INFORMATION. NO SUPPORTING DETAILS] about 13% of all this region includeD Australia and new Zealand.

*did not mention all the features of pie chart. poorly developed
*predominant tenses errors

Writing Feedback / The information about the main factors of lack productivity of farming land over the world [4]

....... the main lack productivity factors of agrarian DECREASING PRODUCTIVITY ......
....... were presented in the percentage includes TO SHOW THE FIGURES OF over-grazing, deforestation and ....
Overall, over-grazing is WAS the highest factor of CAUSING soil reduction in worldwide GLOBALLY and also in Europe's continent during 1990s.[REDUNDANCY. AVOID REPETITION]

Based on the table data , Europe was dominated .........7.7 and 5.5 percent. = INACCURATE LONG AND COMPLEX SENTENCE

... of high soil degradation was happened in Oceania by the percentage is 13, .....

overall, in introduction, you did paraphrase the question and gave an overview although there is a problem on the way you compose your sentences. Those are repetitive and ineffective. you selected some appropriate information in overview but it has not covered all the main trends or general view of the data.

No clear grouping in body paragraph while it also consist of one body paragraph. You should compare each data and present it in ideally two paragraph at least. Predominant errors in complex structure. concern about the meaning and function of your sentence. learn more about the appropriate way to use passive and active form,.

Writing Feedback / Europe had the largest total land degraded with 23% caused by deforestation and over-cultivationd [3]

INTRODUCTION

*successfully paraphrased the question
*presented an overview, but did not cover all the main trends
Thetabel shows how much ...
... that caused destruction of the land is over-grazing. Furthermore, Ocenia is a state where over-grazing causes a big impact of the landbecomes less productive.[/i]

BODY PARAGRAPH

*presented information in some organisation
*less accurate complex sentences
*moderate lexical resources but adequate for the task

... and it was followed by deforestration at 30%.
... over-cultivation and other factoreshave almost the same ratio with 28% and 27% respectivelly.

On the other hand, Europe had the largest total land degraded with 23% which was caused mainly by deforestration and over-cultivation, ...
..., but had deforestration problem with 1,7%.

Writing Feedback / The two figures which provide data about the land degradation in 1990s [3]

INTRODUCTION

*tenses and sentence form (active-passive), subject+verb agreement errors
*appropriately selected information to be presented as overview although the way its developed/delivered is inadequate

... figures which are provide data about the ...
Overall, over-grazing become the most influenced ...
In additions, Europe had the biggest problem in land, while North America just a little percentage [/i] e.g. EUROPE WAS THE MOST AFFECTED

BODY PARAGRAPH

*presented data in some organisation
*tenses inconsistencies
*lack of a major keyword in the first body [did not mention that those figure/percentage related to land degradation]

In Oceania, over-grazing reach top among the (...) totally different with their cultivation problem ...
Forest cut-down treeREDUNDANT/UNCLEAR problem was the (...) while over-planting became the most outweight in North America.
... Europe has[HAD WHAT] 23 percent while North America only 5 percent.[/i]

Writing Feedback / The charts provides several factors that affected on lower numbers of farm-land productivity [3]

INTRODUCTION

*effective and well-developed introductory paragraph
*presents a clear overview of main trends, components, and differences on data

... and the percentage of land degradation which was caused ...
... reasons that affected land degradation which are over-grazing, illegal-logging , and over-farming.

BODY PARAGRAPH

*adequate wide range of vocabulary
*tenses inconsistency/errors
*word formation errors
*presented data in some organisation

The biggest percentage is over-gazing by 35 percent. The, deforestation becomes the next reason (...) of farm and BECAME less productive.

These three factors effected land degradation ...
The biggest impact came to Europe which was 23 percent, which was illegal-logging decreasing ...

Writing Feedback / In 1990s Europe became the widest area affected by land degradation. Why? Over-grazing. [2]

INTRODUCTION

*a few errors in sentence structure
*repetitive [ineffective sentencing]
*appropriately selected information as overview even though with unclear/errors in the way it is presented
... of many factors causes the degradation of (...) three regions that ARE affected by many causes of land degradation THOSE FACTORS during the 1990s. Overall, over-grazing is WAS the biggest percentage of CAUSING land degradation WHILE Europe becAME the widest area which is MOST affected by degradation

BODY PARAGRAPH

*tenses errors
* sentence errors [subject+verb agreement, singular/plural issue]
*repetitive
*present data in some organisation

Over-grazing is WAS the highest percentage that causes land become BECAME less productive which is AT 35 percent of hemisphere. Illegal logging is HAD a slight difference (...) 30 percent and 28 percent RESPECTIVELY. Almost 7 percent is causes by other factor for the degradation of land. OF LAND DEGRADATION WAS CAUSED BY OTHER FACTORS

... there was WERE three regionS IN which the factors ...
Total land degraded is WAS 23 percent in Europe and over deforestation is WAS the biggest factor there. Oceanais WAS lower than Europe in total land which become less productive but the over-grazing become the (...) because of the percentage is 11,3 percent.

5 percent oftotal land degraded but all (...) the land become less productive ...

Writing Feedback / Reasons for the decrease of land production and explanation for soil degradation in the world [3]

INTRODUCTION

*flaws in paraphrasing question incompletely
*unclear overview [although had selected information to be presented as overview, it tend to less accurate in the way its structuring and inserting unnecessary quantity]

... several things that make a decrease of (...) for the three region IN PERCENTAGE.
... the greatest causemakes the land become a less production is over-grazing.
Besides that, Europe has beenthe biggest (...) by deforestatio n, over-cultivation and over-grazing at 23 percent.

BODY PARAGRAPH

*only consist of one body paragraph which is ideally by at least two paragraph. Thus, it presented unclear or no grouping of information at all

*tenses errors

The three THIRD largestis over-cultivation at 28 percent.
... over-cultivationbecome cause of less ...
Deforestation is the biggest (...) Europa land become less production at 9.8 percent. Then, Oceania has the biggest problem ...
Total of land thathas degraded and is caused by deforestation , over-cultivation and (...) Europe and Oceaniais at 5.23 and ...
Over-grazingis the biggest problem ...

Writing Feedback / In 1990s the land in North America was most affected by over-cultivation factor with 3.3%. [4]

INTRODUCTION

*poorly paraphrased the question [giving incomplete sentence and inappropriate form on another]
*appropriately selected data as overview although poorly wrote it

The table informs how the regions were influenced[the data given is in percentage, so you need to mention the unit of measurement of the data here, in this case in in proportion rate] by those causes ...

... and Europe was the largest region where land degradation had happened.[inappropriate data. It is not about whether the land is the largest or not, it is about the highest percentage]

BODY PARAGRAPH

*tend to make very simple sentences and less accurate complex ones
*although using comparison language in both body paragraphs, still moderate grouping. Indeed, the data given in the different pictures can be compared each other.
*consistent and appropriate tenses chosen according to question timeline
*no major errors in sentence structure despite of the fact that paragraphs written in unvaried style

Writing Feedback / Mom and Dad should be the teacher for social life of their children [6]

INTRODUCTION

overall, this is a good introduction. You successfully delivered your introductory paragraph with strong opinion related to the issue. However, this is to long while you tend to make simple sentences. Just bear in mind to always make a strong, brief, and effective introduction that consist by ideally 2 to 3 paragraphs. all the important details should be presented in body paragraph. Good job

BODY PARAGRAPH
Body 1:your idea is adequate but need to develop more. you should emphasize what kinds or moral/social value children get from parents and then why it is good for them to get it from their parents.

body 2:
is counselling subject is only a matter of peer conversation??? your idea is quite confusing here added by poor developed supporting details.You should emphasize what is counseling subject, what sorts of knowledge student can get from it, and why it is not sufficient for children social value learning

CONCLUSION
just simply restate your opinion here after paraphrase your main ideas in body paragraphs.

Writing Feedback / Parents are more competent than school to show children how to be a decent citizen [5]

INTRODUCTION

overall this is enough. you paraphrase the question then giving your personal opinion which indicated that you addressed the task responses. However, there are many spaces for improvements there.

To teach childrenbecome a good members of society needs the role of their parents [OR ==> Children need to be taught by parents so that they can become a good members of society]. Meanwhile, some people argue that school is the best place for children to learn about good behavior. However, in my opinion, parents are more important to teach children to be agood members of society than school.{REPETITIVE}

BODY PARAGRAPH
Body 1= you mentioned about lack of practice in school since children only focus on theoretical learning here. You should emphasize more about behavioral lesson they get from school while giving a proper conclusion of your paragraph. the conclusion you gave is contradicted or poor developed from your idea explanation

Body 2= Emphasize more why lesson children get from parents is more effective that what they get from school!

CONCLUSION
Overall, it is simple and effective. You mentioned your main idea well made it as a good conclusion. Better to restate your opinion again here .

Writing Feedback / Good attitude is a must for everybody to show that we need someone else. Parents, school and society [3]

INTRODUCTION

Overall, you gave such a brief introduction that addressed the task response by writing general statement, paraphrasing the question, and showing your personal view as asked. However, the way you structured your sentences is a matter since your paragraph is a little bit hard to comprehend. Hence, i give you the alternative on how you better compose your introduction without trying to alter your own ideas.

Human will be always live and communicate with others. Thus, good attitude is a must to be practiced by everybody to show that they need each other. Many people argue that children have to study about this, proper manner and behavior in order to be a socially accepted person, in school, where some thinks that parents are the perfect one to teach it since they give more influence to their children. However, this is depend on people's way of think while I believe that parents are should mainly responsible to morally educate their children well.

BODY PARAGRAPH

BODY 1=


this is your main idea. according to your introduction you should explain why parents is the better party to teach about attitude to their children. yes, you gave relevant example but weak and inappropriate, you should emphasize how the lesson you got since child help you integrate well with society and why it is better than the lesson you got from the school

BODY 2:
Focus on explaining that although students get many knowledge relating to proper social values, parents are still the best who can teach them well.

CONCLUSION:overall this is good, brief and effective. However, you should mention what sort of studies children get from both and school

Writing Feedback / Is school a suitable spot for pupils to study about how to adapt in the social society? [2]

For the first, please you always attach the question so that others can easily give valuable feedback of your essay according to the task given.

INTRODUCTION
This is quite simple and effective as you just paraphrased the question the wrote down your opinion in order to address the task responses. However, pay attention in your sentence since there is a few errors there.

..... people said that family will bring more effect if they[they refer to family??] directly teaching their own-children to be great in surroundings. In my opinion, spouses is the best people who can teach their own-child intensively [teach what?]

BODY PARAGRAPH
BODY 1: you were well-developed your idea here and firmly mentioned that teachers are not the ones who suppose to teach children about social aspects. However, there are still many spaces for improvement. you may need to explain more why school is not the right one, the relevance between crowded class with ineffective social aspect leaning and why school assess more about academic values and its implication on student social knowledge. Another thing that i need to remind you is that you need to concern on accuracy while writing. pay attention on grammatical rules and punctuation. Also, a proper way to use cohesive device to get the good flow of writing without mechanically or over-use cohesive devices.

BODY 2:


explain more the relevance of the real characters and potential of children with the social learning they should get from parents as their order to become a good member of society.

CONCLUSION
as you did not mention your personal view in body paragraph, you should write it down here rather than only wrote ''I'' in your suggestion.

Writing Feedback / The main duty of parents and teachers to make children more sociable in society [3]

INTRODUCTION
your introduction is too bulky. Do not compose it too detail since all of those details are supposedly mention in body paragraph. Keep your introduction simple but still showing your understanding of the question by fully, but briefly presented, what the task response ask to write.

you may just write like this:
Nobody in this world can lives alone without create social relationship. But, every children certainly don't know how to build social interaction without presence of adults who help them. So, I think both parents and teachers in the school have the biggest role in supports the child being actively in their lives environment and being a good member of society.

BODY PARAGRAPH
overall, the way you composed your body paragraphs is good despite of accuracy and sentence function issue that you need to concern since it may cause problem for reader on understanding what you write about.However, you did not emphasize your own perspective relating to the issues here so your writing do not fully address the task response

CONCLUSION
I can catch your idea and it simple to, but surely the way you produce your sentence should be concerned since it really makes it hard to comprehend. You do get the nice flow of writing then.

Good Luck

Writing Feedback / Responsiblity of Parents and School Toward Children to be a Good Member of Society [2]

INTRODUCTION

Overall it is a very short and simple introduction while you only paraphrased the question then wrote your opinion. Yes, it addressed the task response although you should learn more about paraphrasing and how to build a paragraph well. poor cohesion in this paragraph, indeed you can use cohesive device just like in the question to keep the flow per sentence in your writing.

BODY PARAGRAPH
BODY 1: I can catch your idea here, from the main idea till the explanation it is quite well developed. However, your example and sentences after that are not strong and relevant enough to emphasize or to wholly build your main idea. You may need to give example about what essential or mostly parents teach about attitude to their children, and then explain how this affect children or how this nurture become ever lasting or be the character of children in the future.

BODY 2: overall, it is good but you still need to emphasize from your simple example that how this will affect children attitude or personal behavior in the future as a member of society.

CONCLUSION
Overall, this is brief and effective as you just mention again your main ideas or thesis statement here. To strengthen your answer on the question prompt, better to restate your position or opinion.

Good Luck
NB: please pay more attention in your word chosen, some are inappropriately used. Need to concern about the right collocation of noun or verb you wrote down.

Writing Feedback / People needs others since they born, grow up until die. [2]

INTRODUCTION

OVERALL, I LIKE THE WAY YOU PRESENT YOUR INTRODUCTION AND GIVING DETAILS OR GENERAL STATEMENT RELATING TO THE TOPIC. IT IS SHORT AND EFFECTIVE DESPITE OF SENTENCE STRUCTURE ISSUE THAT MAY CAUSE PEOPLE GET DIFFICULTY TO CATCH YOUR IDEA. HERE I TRY TO REVISE YOUR PARAGRAPH WITHOUT CHANGE YOUR OWN IDEA:

People needs other peopleOTHERS since they born until they are grow upFULLY GROWN UP/MATURE and die. [b]ORpeople will always need others during they are growing up till the last breath

People is the social human. So, since a child, they must have lesson about life for their parents and after they school, teachers have responsibility to teach students about life. = People is a social creature, so since a child they must get lesson about life for their parents and teachers at school.

I think, parents and teachers in the school is very essential to help children learning about how to be a good in the environment.
= I believe that both parents and teachers are responsible for this issue and are very essential to help children learn how to become a good citizen.

As I mentioned before, this is an effective brief introduction. Thus, keep your performance to always make a good, simple, and effective introduction like this while enhance your writing skill, particularly in producing error-free sentences.

Writing Feedback / Parents and school as a place for children to get knowledge and friendly habits in society. [3]

INTRODUCTION

overall, I can catch your idea here, but the way you presented your sentence causes difficulty for the readers to comprehend your paragraph.

NEED TO ENHANCE YOUR LEXICAL RESOURCE. AVOID REPETITION, NOT ONLY ABOUT FOR THE IDEAS BUT ALSO THE WORDS

Becoming parents are a biggest responsibility, ESPECIALLY for keepRAISING their children WELL . One of working by parentsPARENTS DUTIES IS TO teach their children HOW TO become useful for citizens, (...) with the otherS . On the otherONE hand, school is one ofA place FOR children to get information and knowledge OF how to be A good people which ...

ALTHOUGH Some people argue that, parents ARE THE ONES THAT should teach children (...) of society and WHILE other say school is the BEST place to learn (...) get knowledge and habbit become friendly in society.

BODY PARAGRAPH

body 1:


THIS IS AN ADEQUATE IDEA AND EXPLANATION. ON THIS THREE SENTENCES, YOUR IDEA IS DEVELOPED WELL. HOWEVER, THE FIRST SENTENCE AND THE EXAMPLE TILL THE LAST SENTENCE IS INAPPROPRIATE.Another important thing that I need to emerge and keep remind to you is to fix the way you produce sentence well. Even the best idea ever will not score high since your grammatical issue affect the coherence and cohesion of your writing. GOOD LUCK

body 2:


TAKE THIS AS YOUR MAIN IDEA AND THEN YOUR TASK IS DEVELOP IT WELL. HONESTLY, YOU GET THE IDEA OF THE QUESTION AND YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NEED TO WRITE, BUT THE WAY YOU PUT EXPLANATION AND EXAMPLE IS THE ONE THAT RUIN YOUR ESSAY

CONCLUSION:
REVISE IT, SHORTLY THIS IS A GOOD CONCLUSION SINCE YOU BRIEFLY MENTION YOU MAIN IDEAS HERE. THE ONLY PROBLEM IS YOUR SENTENCE STRUCTURE, FUNCTION, AND MEANING

GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / Writing Task 2 - Should Parents or School Teach Kids to be good? - Discuss Both Views [2]

INTRODUCTION

overall, it well developed. you introduced both notions and then wrote your own opinion related to those.

..., children might be NEED TO BE taught earlier.
... while others have another arguments in which school .....

BODY PARAGRAPH
1st paragraph: Appropriate idea and explanation, but giving inadequate example. less developed idea

... to learn how to be good person withFROM their parents. This is because parents have THE closest relationship with them.
... parents as good role models ON how to behave ...
Taking my experience as an example, when I was a child, my father used to invite me to join some meetings whose participants are the famous people in my hometown. As a result, I personally feel more confident to meet people even they are from in the famous because I used to make a conversation with them.FEEL CONFIDENT TO TALK WITH RENOWNED PERSONS IS NOT AN ADEQUATE EXAMPLE OF GOOD ATTITUDE.

2nd paragraph:
... where school-ages spend MOST their time. Thus, school has big opportunity to teach and control them how to socialize with their friends.HOW IMPORTANT SOCIALIZING WITH FRIENDS IN ORDER TO BUILD WELL CHARACTER IN CHILDREN FOR THE FUTURE?

... encourage students to be more successful in their environment.WHY IT IS IMPORTANT FOR SCHOOL TO DO THIS??

CONCLUSION


OVERALL, YOU ADDRESSED THE TASK RESPONSE WELL ALTHOUGH YOU PRESENTED YOUR IDEAS POORLY..

Writing Feedback / TED Summary - Rory Steart: Time to end the war in Afghanistan [2]

The war in Afghanistan has been existing for decades.
However, Afghanistan does not to pose and existential threat to global security. CONFUSING SENTENCE
=what occurs in Afghanistan do not seem like existential threats to global security

It is extremely unlikely the Taliban (...) the country and It is extremely unlikely that JUST LIKE IT IS IMPOSSIBLE THAT Al-Qaeda would (...) harm the United States or harm Europe.

We should tell the truth to TO SPEAK IN the united nation since ...
... amazing improvements HAVE BEEN developed such as (...) million more girls ATTENDING school and T WHILE there were 14 health clinics BUILT in that area alone.

OVERALL, YOU NEED TO CONCERN ON THE WAY YOU COMPOSE SENTENCE. PAY ATTENTION ON ACCURACY AND SENTENCE COMPLETION WHILE ALSO DELIVERING THE MEANING CLEARLY AND UNDERSTANDABLY.

Writing Feedback / People have different views about the decision-making to sentence the crime action nowadays [2]

... to sentence the crime action PERPETRATORS nowadays.
.., I believe that adjudication ADJUDICATORS have to consider (...) an individual crime CRIMINALS when deciding the punishment. OR ... I BELIEVE THAT ON ADJUDICATION PROCESS, THE REASON BEHIND EVERY CRIME SCENES/ACTS SHOULD BE CONSIDERED BEFORE THE PUNISHMENT DECIDED.

OVERALL, GOOD INTRODUCTION

With regards to fixed punishments for every type of crime, there are some advantages of this system. [BY WRITING LIKE THIS, THE QUESTIONS ARE MORE LIKELY TO BE ADVANTAGES AND DISADVANTAGES OF FIXED PUNISHMENT. YOU MAY NEED TO A LITTLE BIT CHANGE YOUR SENTENCES SO THAT IT WILL BE ABOUT WHY PEOPLE THINK FIXED PUNISHMENT SHOULD BE ENFORCED]

... time to solve some reportS of criminal cases.
... are able to performing their duties ...
In addition, the THIS system can give early ...
.., so they will be more consider THINK TWICE to (...) which breakS the rules.

... inappropriate action are caused BY urgent conditions such as ...
... poor old woman be arrested and be convicted for 10 months imprisonment due to steal FOR STEALING three sweet potatoes which growth (...) to feeding her grandchild who have ...

Finally THUS, law worker still need (..) before sentences the criminal suspects.

.., a judge have HAS to consider the motivation when deciding IN ORDER TO IMPOSE a proper punishment.
... equal is not always MEANT fair, it is important (...) for all CIRCUMSTANCES

OVERALL, i find your writing is well-structured with sentences that easy to understand. Good luck

Writing Feedback / The punishment depends from different circumstances and motivations of the crime [2]

at first, it is evident that you need to practice and learn more on how to compose a well-structured sentence. there are so many improvements need to be done on each of your sentences before we can discuss about the coherence of your paragraph. Thus, fix your sentence first before we talk about your paragraphing.

your severe issue on composing your sentences, unfortunately affects the meaning of your whole essay. it is vague and unclear although I personally believe that you already understood the question and attempted to give your best effort on fully answering the task responses.

at last, you need to practice more to write a long essay. this essay is only consisted of 251 words. too risky. Under length issue means you may get penalty.

... that punishment of crime type EACH CRIMES should be cleared CLEARLY ARRANGED while others argued that the circumstance of person to instance to ON COMMITTING crime because SUCH AS motivation factor and might SHOULD be taken into account before deciding KINDS OF punishment GIVEN. In this essay I will discuss of both of views. However, WHILE I TEND TO agree that law should be cleared FIXED in each crime type.

Common PEOPLE/MOST PEOPLE believe that people THEY should be obey of THE law. It is meant MEANS that people THOSE who commit to crime should be looked CONSIDERED by THEIR circumstance and motivation . For example, and economic reason IS ONE OF THE EXAMPLE OF THAT. ...

In urban area, number of crime people are average MOST OF CRIMINALS ARE young people. They have not education NO EDUCATION AND FROM low economic background. As a result [COMMA] they cannot another choice and then become a young gangster. Government should GIVE be more attention of TO their reason and then BEFORE give punishment.

On the other hand, law makerS should be fixed the variety of PUNISHMENT FOR EACH crime. Nowadays, many variation of crimeS cannot be cleared because government was IS still confused HOW TO ENFORCE to finish it. For example corruption, It is AN extraordinary crime. Many people are jailed most of public representative, government officer. MANY PEOPLE JAILED WERE ONCE PUBLIC REPRESENTATIVE OR GOVERNMENT OFFICERS. They have been punished fewer FOR ONLY 20 yearS while China have HAS policy to IMPOSE death penalthy of PENALTY ON this case. In the other hand, other ANOTHER crime such as drugs crime have HAS death penalty AS THE PUNISHMENT. Those problemS have to be more elaborateD and fixed before punishment GIVEN.

In conclusion, those statements that I mentioned before.UNCLEAR AND INCOMPLETE STATEMENT I stand THAT the punishment needS TO BE cleared and WHILE I recommend that stakeholders need TO be discussED intentionally about it.

GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / Essay about issue of the crime punishment - evaluation of the guilt [2]

overall, it is evidence that you already have a good pattern on composing essay while write your sentences with less minor errors. However, your whole essay do not really meet the prompt. It slightly out of topic in the way you delivering the first view. it should be about fixed/arranged punishment. for example, those who commit murder need to be given death penalty without any concern about their criminal motives, even if it just a self-defense effort. Thus, you need to revise your first body paragraph, introduction, and conclusion

THUS, I only give some suggestions on your second body paragraph

... many believe that the sentence is able to SHOULD be given (...) has done the A/CERTAIN deep investigation to knowPROBE/FIND OUT etc the other factors ...

For example, pickpockets [no space] are able to SHOULD[Concern about the meaning of modal form you need to use with regard to its meaning. on this case, it is not about 'ability' so you should not use 'able'. Indeed, you need to use 'should' cause it is about something that suppose to do] get amnesty when they (...) are involved in the

... well since every personS has the same right to get ...

GOOD LUCK