Writing Feedback / People have different views about the decision-making to sentence the crime action nowadays [2]

... to sentence the crime action PERPETRATORS nowadays.
.., I believe that adjudication ADJUDICATORS have to consider (...) an individual crime CRIMINALS when deciding the punishment. OR ... I BELIEVE THAT ON ADJUDICATION PROCESS, THE REASON BEHIND EVERY CRIME SCENES/ACTS SHOULD BE CONSIDERED BEFORE THE PUNISHMENT DECIDED.

OVERALL, GOOD INTRODUCTION

With regards to fixed punishments for every type of crime, there are some advantages of this system. [BY WRITING LIKE THIS, THE QUESTIONS ARE MORE LIKELY TO BE ADVANTAGES AND DISADVANTAGES OF FIXED PUNISHMENT. YOU MAY NEED TO A LITTLE BIT CHANGE YOUR SENTENCES SO THAT IT WILL BE ABOUT WHY PEOPLE THINK FIXED PUNISHMENT SHOULD BE ENFORCED]

... time to solve some reportS of criminal cases.
... are able to performing their duties ...
In addition, the THIS system can give early ...
.., so they will be more consider THINK TWICE to (...) which breakS the rules.

... inappropriate action are caused BY urgent conditions such as ...
... poor old woman be arrested and be convicted for 10 months imprisonment due to steal FOR STEALING three sweet potatoes which growth (...) to feeding her grandchild who have ...

Finally THUS, law worker still need (..) before sentences the criminal suspects.

.., a judge have HAS to consider the motivation when deciding IN ORDER TO IMPOSE a proper punishment.
... equal is not always MEANT fair, it is important (...) for all CIRCUMSTANCES

OVERALL, i find your writing is well-structured with sentences that easy to understand. Good luck

Writing Feedback / The punishment depends from different circumstances and motivations of the crime [2]

at first, it is evident that you need to practice and learn more on how to compose a well-structured sentence. there are so many improvements need to be done on each of your sentences before we can discuss about the coherence of your paragraph. Thus, fix your sentence first before we talk about your paragraphing.

your severe issue on composing your sentences, unfortunately affects the meaning of your whole essay. it is vague and unclear although I personally believe that you already understood the question and attempted to give your best effort on fully answering the task responses.

at last, you need to practice more to write a long essay. this essay is only consisted of 251 words. too risky. Under length issue means you may get penalty.

... that punishment of crime type EACH CRIMES should be cleared CLEARLY ARRANGED while others argued that the circumstance of person to instance to ON COMMITTING crime because SUCH AS motivation factor and might SHOULD be taken into account before deciding KINDS OF punishment GIVEN. In this essay I will discuss of both of views. However, WHILE I TEND TO agree that law should be cleared FIXED in each crime type.

Common PEOPLE/MOST PEOPLE believe that people THEY should be obey of THE law. It is meant MEANS that people THOSE who commit to crime should be looked CONSIDERED by THEIR circumstance and motivation . For example, and economic reason IS ONE OF THE EXAMPLE OF THAT. ...

In urban area, number of crime people are average MOST OF CRIMINALS ARE young people. They have not education NO EDUCATION AND FROM low economic background. As a result [COMMA] they cannot another choice and then become a young gangster. Government should GIVE be more attention of TO their reason and then BEFORE give punishment.

On the other hand, law makerS should be fixed the variety of PUNISHMENT FOR EACH crime. Nowadays, many variation of crimeS cannot be cleared because government was IS still confused HOW TO ENFORCE to finish it. For example corruption, It is AN extraordinary crime. Many people are jailed most of public representative, government officer. MANY PEOPLE JAILED WERE ONCE PUBLIC REPRESENTATIVE OR GOVERNMENT OFFICERS. They have been punished fewer FOR ONLY 20 yearS while China have HAS policy to IMPOSE death penalthy of PENALTY ON this case. In the other hand, other ANOTHER crime such as drugs crime have HAS death penalty AS THE PUNISHMENT. Those problemS have to be more elaborateD and fixed before punishment GIVEN.

In conclusion, those statements that I mentioned before.UNCLEAR AND INCOMPLETE STATEMENT I stand THAT the punishment needS TO BE cleared and WHILE I recommend that stakeholders need TO be discussED intentionally about it.

GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / Essay about issue of the crime punishment - evaluation of the guilt [2]

overall, it is evidence that you already have a good pattern on composing essay while write your sentences with less minor errors. However, your whole essay do not really meet the prompt. It slightly out of topic in the way you delivering the first view. it should be about fixed/arranged punishment. for example, those who commit murder need to be given death penalty without any concern about their criminal motives, even if it just a self-defense effort. Thus, you need to revise your first body paragraph, introduction, and conclusion

THUS, I only give some suggestions on your second body paragraph

... many believe that the sentence is able to SHOULD be given (...) has done the A/CERTAIN deep investigation to knowPROBE/FIND OUT etc the other factors ...

For example, pickpockets [no space] are able to SHOULD[Concern about the meaning of modal form you need to use with regard to its meaning. on this case, it is not about 'ability' so you should not use 'able'. Indeed, you need to use 'should' cause it is about something that suppose to do] get amnesty when they (...) are involved in the

... well since every personS has the same right to get ...

GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / OPEC agrees its first production cut since 2008 [3]

... (OPEC) made a decision thatIN WHICH member of this (...) cartel system becauseSINCE Iran and Saudi Arabia wasARE still THE rival in this sectori . On September 28th [COMMA] the OPEC members (...) to cut and limit ofTHE production to 32.5-33 ... MOREOVER/BESIDES/AT THE SAME TIME. etc [according to the meaning you want to deliver] Saudi Arabia was decreased significantly in production.

... cut output only if other producers followed suit.? However, ON This condition, OPEC HAS brought into direct conflict with otherS such as like[REDUNDANCY] Iran.

... been decreased ofITS oil production while the (...) if Iran won ofTHE argumentation.
... the oil market had been decreased ON the price this year.
... OPEC IS still powerful in ...

OVERALL, you need to concern about the coherence of each sentence in delivering the flow of ideas or information

Writing Feedback / TED Summary: The next outbreak? We're not ready [3]

... like nuclear weapon CAN CAUSE in the future. The problem is, THAT there are far more (...) but we are STILL lack of system to prevent epidemic CASES .

A particular example of lack of systemTHIS was Ebola ...
Initially, there wasWERE no stand-by (...) to examine THE WIDE spread of the disease ..
... not expand to a larger area, [FULLSTOP] it was because the ultimately (...), and it was only concentrated in rural areas.

... such as to take advance OF the use of technologies,...
For example, he hopeS that new drugs and vaccines ...
However, He doubtED about how much the expense to ...
OVERALL, THIS IS A GOOD SUMMARY. GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / Haunting photos of polar ice (TED Summary) [4]

Humans are not separated by FROM nature and WHILE everything is interconnected each other.
Iceberg is come MADE/BUILT/STRUCTURED etc. from OF one snowflake WHICH united with other snowflakes ...
It which is lain 200 feet in height above sea level ...CONFUSING SENTENCE. = IT IS LAID 200 FEET ABOVE SEA LEVEL WHICH IS THE RESULT OF ICE SHELVES DISINTEGRATION

Same as we see our self as human, but the reality is far from it. [THIS TALKED ABOUT WHAT? ]
... iceberg is followed by released THE RELEASE OF mineral-rich fresh water ...
We have to benefit the other life LIVES until the time ...

Writing Feedback / Kio Stork made an explanation how we can create an exquisite relationship with strangers we meet [2]

......, smile to them are such weird and avoidED things to do by majority ...
It is a dangerous act to do PERFORM especially for the kids who have no sense [Sense of what? incomplete information ] when they have (...) or not to be toO close.

Basically, the simple words GREETINGS like hello (...) seems too stereotype and nothing but, it seems completely different to the strangers you try to greet to, existence,...confusing sentence. = basically, the simple greetings like hello and how are you seem to stereotype and nothing but for the strangers, it is totally different since it contains social meaning, a great feeling to start a day.

Noticing NOTICED by people we do not know, smileD to us, do not ignore us ...
A huge benefitS SUCH AS LIBERATING FEELING AND INTIMATE CONDITION will be felt by people THOSE who like to meet new (...) human being around such as a liberating feeling and intimacy condition.

This feeling comes as WE talk to the (...) once in life is AS a quick interaction with no ...
However [NEED COMMA] a variety of cultures in diverse (...) talk to the unknown human ONES.

Writing Feedback / Summary of Artile World's hardiest animal has evolved radiation shied for its DNA By: Andy Coglan [2]

...,water bear, is the most toughest creatures on the planet, [NO NEED COMMA] which can survive in AN extreme condition such as IN radiation-contaminated territory.

... of this animal is IN moss, yet surprisingly it also can survive ...
Research nowadays THE RECENT RESEARCH has exposed the adequate ...
This IS because of remarkable genetic (...) (Damage suppressor) WHICH corresponds to the shields of Their DNA.
This THE RELATED research was conducted by Takekazu ...
Kuneida's teamshave HAS identified the proteins and were WHILE directly tested in (...) radiation prior TO the proteins THAT were also modified. Thus, this THESE proteins sufficiently protect ...

OVERALL, despite of some mistakes, your writing has become better. Good luck

Writing Feedback / Summary article_Your Birth Control Pill Might Raise Your Depression Risk [2]


A research institute in Denmark conducted a study involving more that 1 million women and adolescent girls about their birth control

... that birth control has effect which is related with mood INFLUENCED BY MOOD. BESIDES, Such as, IT IS ALSO RELATED WITH pills (...) of contraception [NO NEED COMMA] which are potentially increasE the risk of depression.

Furthermore AT THE SAME TIME/IN ADDITION, scientists from university (...) have been performed a research for WITH more than 1 (...) between 15 and 34, based DIVIDED on two groups,(...) contraceptives, AS PARTICIPANTS. As the result, they found that women who usE A combination of (...), so it makes the risk more high HIGHER rather than nonusers.

... in particular teenage YOUNG girls to know about factors ...
And [AVOID STARTING SENTENCE WITH 'AND'] doctors also should have ...

Writing Feedback / 8 secrets of success (TED Summary) [8]

There are 8 things which ARE able to leads us to success.
First of all is PASSION. Try to do something that you love, not struggle just for money. BETTER TO MERGE INTO A COMPLEX SENTENCE
=first of all is passion in which people try to do something they love instead of just struggle for earning money.

If you work for love, money WILL comes anyway.

Second thing is WORK, so we have to work and fun[fun is not verb. to make it parallel, you may say TO WORK AND ENJOY IT] to make everything easy.

Next thing is GOOD. There is no magic, we have to repeat ROUTINELY practice to make something perfect. Then FOCUS, we have to focusing our self in one thing .

Then SERVE, we have got to serve others something valueS. Next is IDEA, just think for simple things to build up the creativity. The last is PERSIST, it is most important ...

Mechanically use cohesive devices
repetition
avoid write 'thing' since it is too general and contains ambiguity

Writing Feedback / How Did a Blind Man Climb Yosemite's El Capitan in a Day? [3]

The first blind climber ever was Erik Weihenmayer in WHO CLIMBED El Capitan i......

On September 26, 2016, Erik Weihenmayer became ..t.

THIS IS FROM THE ARTICLE WHILE YOUR WRITING IS:


TOO SIMILAR. again, what you did is not paraphrasing.

Indeed, there are many important and interesting facts you should deliver here only if you already understand the article.

Writing Feedback / Electronic tongue taste-tests wines so you don't have to (Article Summary) [5]

... electronic tongue from a platinum, a gold, and carbon electrodes ...
This electronic tongue NEW INVENTION can predict the tasted perception of sommeliers by identified IDENTIFYING the chemical composition ...
Therefore, these instruments THIS INSTRUMENT can help sommeliers THEM to taste 100 wines each day but ALTHOUGH it can not be used for ...
... the electronic tongue was IS able to replicate (...) but no instrument was IS possible to replace the emotion,..

you need to lengthen your summary so that there will be many aspects or thing to be commented for enhancing your work.
overall, on this summary, i found word form, repetitiion, pronouns using, and tenses as your issues. keep writing and keep learning.

Writing Feedback / Star basketball player endorses Hillary Clinton [3]

Cavalier stars basketball player STAR, James LeBron [NEED COMMA] has supported Hillary Clinton for TO BECOME THE next president of ...
He said that,[NO COMMA NEEDED HERE] He endorsed Hillary because ...
Moreover, He believe that,[NO COMMA NEEDED] Hillary has committed to (...) and TO reduce the violence.
... United States needS a president who bringS in unity and peace ...
No matter where she or he were COMES from even the color of skin.

at all, punctuation issue is a matter. some minor errors did not ruin your sentence but still need to be concerned. try to make a longer summary so there will be many things to suggest or correct there. good luck

Writing Feedback / Hurricane Matthew due to hit Haiti with 210kph winds today [3]

Haiti faces a flsh flodds and EXTREME wind storm extremely which was IS a terrible hurricane.
Tha THE 4th categories of hurricane approachES with maximum stable winds ...

This is hoped can TO pass without damaging the east areas ofjamaica and then cross (...) of haiti on Monday local time.
YOUR SENTENCES:


WHILE FROM THE SOURCE:
The US National Hurricane Centre in Miami also said the storm is then predicted to hit the lightly-populated eastern tip of Cuba on Tuesday afternoon.

Forecasters said as much as a metre of rain could fall on some isolated areas of Haiti, raising fears of deadly mudslides and floods in the heavily deforested country where many families live in flimsy houses with corrugated metal roofs

YOU ONLY CHANGED SOME WORDS FROM THE ARTICLE. THAT IS NOT SUMMARIZING. on making summary, at first, you need to understand the passage then rewrite it in a short form, to make sure that you only deliver the main points, using your own vocabularies.

your severe issue in misspelling plausibly ruin the meaning or function of your sentence

Writing Feedback / TED Summary : Street Art With A message Of Hope And Peace by El Seed [4]

The most interesting part was its Caligraffiti which is a mix between Calligraphy and Graffiti.
The most interesting part was its Caligraffiti, a mix between Calligraphy and Graffiti . YOU MAY ALSO WRITE LIKE THIS

He has that THOSE golden hands to create several universal HOLY messages through his paintingS on the wall, ...
Then,it is proved by that minaret's caligraffiti quotes (...) in Quran which says ...
It was IS an universal call for peace,...
... his goal in painting graffiti is breaking TO BREAK the stereotypes ...
He didn't DO NOT want to break lyrics ...
As it is an art and can be appreciated without knowing the meaning.too simple
Some people assumed that this kind of graffiti is (...) he believed that it is an invitation...

Writing Feedback / Article summary: Once Sleepy Singapore Has Become Asia's World City-While Hong Kong Is Lagging [3]

....and two prominent marketS in the region ...
.., which according to the writer asIS a result of ...

Between 1980s and 1990s [NEED COMMA], Hong Kong was stand STOOD among world's ...
For instance, tax rates is WAS below the average ...
... two decades ago, they IT became less attractive.

... and referred to THE world's most liveable city for foreign workers ...

at all, you are quite good in composing sentences. However, despite of some minor errors, you need to concern about the flow or coherence of your writing. Cohesive devices you used read mechanically means you still need to learn how to write naturally.

Writing Feedback / Anthony Goldbloom told his worries about his niece, Yahli, 9 months old. [5]

In FROM 1990 to 2010 [NEED COMMA] machine starts HAS STARTED to accommodate people jobs, ...
... try to conduct a research and BRING invention to bring in a FOR newER and smarter machineS. After A couple OF years [NEED COMMA] the sophisticated of machines MACHINE UPDATES go far more and resultED IN a high volume ...

For examples, reading IT CAN READ million essayS in a minute while a teacher IS ONLY ABLE TO read 10.000 millions for decades. Beside that [NEED COMMA] other up-to-date machine FUNCTION that human cannot compare is ABILITY TO diagnose million of ...

In THE next 20 years, (...) which impossible to FOR manpower to compete with. But,[AVOID STARTING SENTENCE WITH BUT] .....

So Anthony Goldbloom, IS GOING TO suggest her niece to (...) without be afraid THAT the machine will take all the opportunitIES she probably has

Writing Feedback / Success is a continuous journey (TED Summary) [4]

Many people think that success is just one straight way. This is can[DOUBLE VERBS] explain why dopeople reach success and then fail. When people back to their comfort zone caused they figured ... [CONFUSING SENTENCE]. We also have to working what we love.

According to Richard St. John, success is continuous journey.
That is not only how we achieve success , but ho we sustain it.

TOO SHORT. severe issue on repetition, sentence structure, and sure the meaning or function of your sentences. need to show great effort another time

Writing Feedback / An Article Summary: Climate Change Could Destroy Wild Relatives of Cereals By 2070 [3]


a future study led by John Wiens from the University of Arizona in the US has been examining ...... used to provide half of the calories burning up by humans in order to survive from....

OR
a future study led by John Wiens, a professor from the University of Arizona in the US, has been examining ...... used to provide half of the calories burning up by humans in order to survive from....

it is good to compose complex structure. since you have been accustomed to produce complex ones, now you need to concern about its accuracy and easiness to understand

since they haveare not able to make certain
thus moving MOVE them to more appropriate
due to the estimation that the predicted rate of climate change will be 5,000 times faster than the estimated = ineffective sentence. too many similar words repetitively used although those are in different forms

Writing Feedback / Camille A.Brown represents people who love to dance [4]

.., educator and performances PERFORMER [comma] talked for TED about dance, [no comma here]she TO represents the people who love to dance. Most of people think that dance is a physical activities ACTIVITY which required to move the body REQUIRED THE BODY MOVEMENT which is mostly accompanies ACCOMPANIED with musical instrumental ...

But HOWEVER [avoid using 'but' to start a sentence] the real meaning of (...) fun or TO move the legs and ...
In this occasion, Brown was focusED on social dance, ...
... social dances are twist, cakewalk, lindy hop, bee's knee s [CAPITALIZATION] and so on. People make a group and ...

overall, you still need to be concerned on several minor issues that probably ruin you writing like, word form chosen, punctuation, capitalization, and repetition. good luck

Writing Feedback / Some extraordinary events, such as super moon, harvest moon and total blood moon. [3]

... as they are able to see an SOME extraordinary eventS, such as super moon,..
On S eptember 30, space researchers have ...
... the position of lunar IS between earth and sun.
When the phenomena comeS, people are able to see (...) in many Islamic countries which use it WHERE IT IS THE SIGN as OF THE beginning of a new year.

after read the article, I can say that you have appropriately summarized it by using your own sentences. you also made a short but quite strong summary with well-structured sentences proved by less errors that i can find. good luck on your next summaries.

Writing Feedback / Christina Warinner: Tracking ancient diseases using ... plaque (TED) [4]

... Medicine at the University of Zurich, hope HOPES to well-understand abou THE evolutionary vulnerabilities (...) we can enhance to mantain MAINTAIN our health in the near future. She explained that there are different ways to approach ...Confusing sentence

she explained that there are different ways to approach it. one of them is through extracting human DNA from old bones that enables her to reconstruct the human genome at different points for changing related to adaptability, risk factors, and inherited disease

... vital health challenges face ARE the complex form and DYNAMISM OF DNA rather than just ...
These diseaseS revolute REVOLUTIONIZE to complex component. In order to understand these disiases AILMENTS, we need to learN about the pasT study of human genome ...

We have to continue and THE research about this ...

Writing Feedback / A Storm Wiped Out Power to An Entire State in Australia [3]

For couple OF days,South Australia is still fighting with storm effect after power device had turned down.confusing and false information. South Australia is still fighting with severe storm effect of extreme weather WHICH HAS CAUSED black out/power device turning down

this is your sentence:


while in article its written:
According to the Australian Broadcasting Corp., power had resumed to much of the state capital Adelaide by Thursday morning local time, but tens of thousands of customers remained without electricity and more extreme weather was expected to complicate recovery

I can tell how similar both proved that you did not paraphrase it nor effectively summarizing the article. you only change several words there. this will not positively build your understanding in reading activity as well as in writing proficiency.

.., shops, and gas stations WHICH CAUSED THOSE PLACES were closed TO BE CLOSE. The government spoke that blackout cannot been prohibited BE AVOIDED.

Writing Feedback / HAWAI'I VOLCANOES NATIONAL PARK [5]

IN the bottom of the caldera,..
Mauna Loa is another volcanoes in Hawai tha WHICH IS well-known too with hig HIGH geological activity. Hawai's Volcanoes was discovered in 1916. Nowadays, this park becaome BECOMES the most visited TOURISM SITE with over 1.5 million visitors per yearS.

The visitors can have a look AT the eruption directly ...
To see Kilauea's summit, the tourist can walk (...) full of lava and WHILE this land is created...
Little zoo such as the nene goos, carnivourus caterpillars and delighted face spider.NO VERB

you tend to only compose simple structures while at the same time showing poor coherence on your writing since you only mention each sentences without a particular flow neither using cohesive devise to help you

Writing Feedback / A mobile fridge for vaccines (TED Summary) [3]

... improve vaccines storage SYSTEM in some part of this world where do not have THERE IS NO any access to electricity. Vaccines which saved in same place to save food and medicine had been infected by some disease and impact to decrease quality of life. [Contaminated vaccine does not directly affect human quality of life, at first it really bad for health which ultimately affected human's life. this sentence need to be revised ] vaccines saved in the same fridge with medicine and food had greater possibility to be infected by some diseases then made it vulnerable to use as it negative effects on health, ultimately people's quality of live

However, the concept of this invention have HAS been announced (...) then HAD being commercialized with...
... but unfortunately, it is WAS not really effective even give GIVES bad impact to human body. This because of ammonia giveS hugely high pressures ...

Writing Feedback / World's hardiest animal has evolved radiation shield for its DNA [3]

Tardigrades known as a creature which has aAN extreme survival skills.
... resulted from resistance to radiation and caused MADE they will keep alive ...
.., one species of Tardigrades, are IS [uncountable noun treated as singular noun, thus it is followed by "is' not 'are' ] specific to protect ...
... kidney cells against radiation damage then the result is positive. WHICH RESULTED IN POSITIVE FINDINGS. There was a good news to heard about applications of (...) distant future WHICH might protect AVOID healthy human cells ...

at all, some minor errors like in the using of article, singular/plural issue, and sentence completion in which appropriate using of conjunction needed to compose complex structure, need to be concerned

Writing Feedback / Summary of article Bouncy bone can be 3D-printed to become a universal repair kit By Andy Coghlan [3]

The sophisticated technology comes from Medical prespective ... = using specially developed ink, a new sophisticated equipment for medical purposes has been invented to flexibly construct bone with 3-D print technology.

This PRINTED MATERIAL will be implanted (...) particular bone painlessLY to be fixed in size IN THE FIXED SIZE
forthere, this (...) provides many marits MERITS including adaptable ADAPTABILITY AN giving surgeons a cheap and effective in brisk healing BRISKLY

Either way, this material is rather frigile FRAGILE because during the (...) and deteriorated, unfortunately i can not to be remodelled during which.does not make a sense. revise it

... and her team,student at Universuty of Northwestern, have developed advanceD ULTRA-ELASTIC ink that can be USED IN 3D-printed bone implants are ultra-elastic . these implants are briskly ...

@ Ifan21

Writing Feedback / ARTICLE SUMMARY: Playboy Features Muslim Woman in Hijab For First Time Ever [5]

The 22-year-old Arab-American WOMAN revealed THAT her goal is to become the first...
In fact, this October, Noor Tagouri, THE WAY SHE CALLED , has become the first ..
She is totally broke the rules which showsBY SHOWING the reality that this adult (...) but makes the revolutionary MOVEMENT to reward women and ...
... controversial among Muslim community.COMMUNITIES . She tellTALKED TO playboy readers " Live ...


Indeed, her chosen to be appeared on a sexy magazine that has its fame by portraying women as sexual objects for generations is in public world eyes

hope this can help. good luck

Writing Feedback / Camille A. Brown talks about dance, and specializes in social dance [4]

Camille A. Brown talkstalked about dance, and specializes inespecially/particularly social dance. It is ana universal language for ...


monotonous style of writing
it is a universal language for all people across the globe as an expression that emerges from certain community. in addition, dance can not be traced to any particular moment. Thus, it arises dramatically, changes, and spreads like wildfire

Camille stated that the present time always containsrelated to the past. Then, she startsstated to share about the Juba ...

After that, she tellstalked about Charleston which ...
This kind of dance is suitable with FOR children as it is a fun dance.
If someone know the step, it meantmeans he/ she belonged to a group.
@ Iedha01

Writing Feedback / Camille A. Brown: A visual history of social dance in 25 moves [3]

Camille said that dance is A language that can ...
It not just a dance but, it is a choreographedCHOREOGRAPHY by anyone who want to make a sequent SEQUENCE body movement.
... that dance need a crativity CREATIVITY FOR both individuals and creative identity because social dances named Bubble Up changes ...


confusing sentence. poor coherence. can't get what you meant

We have to remember about THE history of dance.
In American-African dances how they could be influenced by history. ?

In the 1980s and 1990s this trend countinued with the emergence of hip-hop, african-american social dance that more vixible that long last past.

Read again your sentences, make sure that those make a sense and can be easily understand by readers.

Writing Feedback / A glory day to Hillary Clinton in first presidential debate [2]


Hillary started delivering impressive performance by defeating her rival, Donal Trump, in the first presidential debate at Hofstra University, America

This campaign as likeS asymmetric war ...
The candidates have not same DIFFERENT idea such AS IN economy sector WHILE Trump blamed Hillary which she do FOR DOING nothing to fix this problem along 30 years as A public representative.

On the other hand, Hillary WAS striking back which Mr Trumph BY SAYING HE talked non-sense. She was good preparation WELL PREPARRED and notoriously. By the end of debate, the THOSE candidates spent more ...

Trump had been denying for not paying income tax to federal whereas Hillary IN THE opposite said 'on behalf of myself, and I think on behalf of a majority of the American people, say that, you know, our word is good.UNCLEAR QUOTE

Thus, this debate resulted that ON one candidate who was good preparED and other confused, 1-0 to Mrs Clinton.

Writing Feedback / Many social-related problems being rushed up if somebody's speaking is ignored by listeners [4]

Many social-related problemS being rushing RUSHED up if somebody'S speaking is ignored ... [ be careful on singular/plural issue, word form chosen and subject+verb agreement. those seems simple but really affect the quality of your work]

They sometimes become frustrateD because of no any respond, evenmore for several number of several people are even squeezed by theyTHEIRsorroundingout.SURROUNDING

concern on the sense or function of your sentence

..., some factors can triggerBE TRIGGERED by their selfTHEMSELVES including gosip, judging, negativity?, complaining, excuses,...

... transforming personality into HAIL (Honest, authenticity, integrity and love). and forthermore , by organizing or maintaining your speakING/SPEECH whether you want to conditionate the atmosphere of your voice such as, volume, rhyme, empisize and nuance.

misspelling is also your habitual flaw
good luck

Writing Feedback / Why I Won't Get the Genetic Test for Breast Cancer (Article Summary) [3]

PastSINCE few years ago, (...) cancer markers, they are called BRCA1 and BRCA2.
These markers ARE able to give alert to people who have risks encounter mutation genetic and endsARE IN RISK OF GENETIC MUTATION AND LAST STAGE OF breast or ovary cancer.

... to execute the cancer threat is BY eliminating the organs which ...
This surgery can causedTRIGGER early starts of menopause and resultED to symptoms of osteoporosis...

... but it is not a strong reason to judge women have high risk to get breast or ovary cancer according to BCRA-diagnosed.
... organs will get more suffering than the one who keepS their HER ovary and breast ...

Overall, you still need to concern on your sentence completion. pay attention in some basic grammatical rules and enhance your lexical resource since it is evident that you tend to use similar words several times (repetitive)

Writing Feedback / TED Summary: A life lesson from a volunteer firefighter by Mark Bezos [2]

Firefighter is CONSIDERED to be one of dangerous jobs PROFESSIONS [concern about the differentiation between job, work, profession, and occupation just like why salary, wage, and income different each others] in the world, but Mark Bezos, an assistant captain volunteer in fire companya voluntary captain assistant in a fire company , presented his TED talk in a funny way.

It was in the middle of the night and under pouring rain [too similar with the speaker words. need to more paraphrased] when he got into HIS initial fire assignmentDUTY.

ANOTHER volunteer who arrived five seconds .....
SoTHEN/MEANWHILE, when his turn came, captain of the volunteerthe Captain said that BezosHE needED to gotGET inside the house, pass the fire and gotGET the home-owner a pair of shoes to wear.

attention that him! At [pay attention in the using of punctuation] that time, he feelT that he ......

However, through his volunteerVOLUNTARY role as a firefighter, he HAS learnt about (...) as well to learntLEARN about grace and courage a long the way.

He advised if people want to help (...) It does not to be somethings big.you may merge these two sentences into one

For example, serve food at a soup kitchen, clean up neighborhoods park or be a mentor[too similar with the speaker words ].
concern on word form chosen regarding to tenses, accuracy and function of your sentences

Writing Feedback / Clint Smith, a poet and teacher spoke about the danger of silence on the TED channel [3]

Clint Smith, a poet and teacher [need comma. additional information related to someone or something written in between commas is what we called 'appositive'] spoke up about the danger of silence on the TED channel.

He begun HIS speech with quotedA QUOTE of Marten Luther King Jr story whoWHICH reflected African movement in America.

Smith talked that silence is residue fear entire in his life and African people as well, for example, discrimination, violence and war.confusing sentence. you may want to write:

SMITH TALKED THAT SILENCE LEFT FEARS ON HIS ENTIRE LIFE JUST LIKE OTHER AFRICAN PEOPLE COMMONLY FELT. IT IS DUE TO DISCRIMINATION, VIOLENCE, AND WAR.

At the beginning [need comma] he liveD in suffered, (...), as the result [need comma] he givegave up.

However [comma] he realized that every man want to belive as normal human, have right to live which every people are needed life goodof decent life , freedom and equalITY.At short, hestandS in front of the audience is speakingto speak up against discrimination and injustice.

severe issues on punctuation. need to concern more on word form chosen and sentence completion. try to compose sentences that will easily understand for its informative value. besides, try to write longer summary so you will write more while others will give more feedback. good luck

Writing Feedback / TED Summary: The Curly Fry Conundrum: Why Social Media "likes" Say More Than You Might Think [4]

....... regarding to the riserising numbers of social media and social network users
... the globe consider that Facebook is A much more interactive placesite/website/media to interact with others

however, the flow is hard to follow here


you may need to say : as an illustration, most people around the world.....

The data hashave shown that Facebook has new 1,2 billion users per month so (...) population is using Facebookit

... data online, thus, as the result theacomputer scientist like Jennifer ...too complex. consist of 6 finite verbs. you may need to simplify it.

..... by looking at people'suser[try to use certain strong word that really related to specific issue just like write 'user' instead of 'people' in writing about tech] Facebook "like". I

at all, you are well skilled on composing sentences. however, there are many spaces for improvement and revision here in order to enhance your writing completely. good luck

Writing Feedback / An Article Summary: Brad Pitt Says He's Skipping His Latest Film Premiere to Focus on His Family [3]


it is fine you took that phrase from the direct quotation, but for your enhance your lexical resource you may change it and look for another appropriate synonims

"I'm very grateful to be part of such a fascinating and educational project, but I'm currently focused on my family situation and don't want to distract attention away from this extraordinary film, which I encourage everyone to see.

it is true that the article you summarized is too short. the fact that nearly half of your writing is a quotation made it imbalance. you need to show much more effort by taking the complicated or advanced article rather than very light material like this next time


but


contradicted information

force your self to beyond your limit. i know that you have shown a good performance on your recent writings, so please give us better and longer summary next time

Writing Feedback / Summary of article Technology: 'Brass rubbings' breathe life into architects' plans (ELISABETH GEAK) [3]

Cutting-edge technology has been appiledapplied for many perspectivepurposes nowadays, particularly on computer-based working.

Manya great number ofcertain convenient software embed and lAunced to improve productivity.

Therefore, architectureits researches have been pUrsuing to develop and designed sophisticated softwere based on specific technique or requirement.

Recent progrmas which are being used (...) rather stark picture sresult which is not ...
misspelling

'Architects hate presenting too 'real' an image to clients early ...

too many minor errors here. it might not change the meaning or ruin the readers understanding, but still it reduce the quality of your work. need to eliminate this kind of error for sure

Writing Feedback / TED Summary: The Benefits of a Bilingual Brain by Mia Nacamulli [3]

Speaking and Writing belong to the Active part while Listening and Reading belong to the Passive part.other one[avoid writing the same words/phrases several time. indeed, there many ways you can vary your writing style to enhance your lexical resources]

..., thus most bilingualsof them around the globe,

Firstly, Compound Bilinguals, those who develop two linguistic ... =firstly, compound bilinguals is a term for those who develop......


incomplete sentence grammatically , you may need to say: it means that they acquire and use two languages......
or meaning that acquiring and using two languages naturally, they have developed through the surrounding environment condition


the flow is hard here.. you need to emphasize or write it well so that readers will easily understand that those two sentences are still about the compound Bilinguals

at all, you need to revise your work realizing that there many spaces for improvement there. for now on, you need to more concern on the coherence of your sentences.

Writing Feedback / The hidden light of Afghanistan (TED Summary) [4]

...... tribe for thisthese almost two decades.

Million people died and deportated have successfully ... = due to millions people died and deportated, the number of citizens in this country has really dwindled.

However, the people[repetition of people. try to use another similar words or pronouns to avoid using same word several times]do not lose their humble and kind hearted behind of the destruction. = however, that massive destruction does not cause Afganistan denizens lost their humble and kind hearted character

..... other people even foreignerS that come to their country.
From the related portraits [need comma] we can feel the sadness, sacrifices and struggle of peoplethose who always ready to get attacked by Taliban ...

at all, you still need to pay attention on some minor errors like singular/plural issue. effectively use pronouns to avoid repetition, and concern about the meaning or function of your sentence so it will deliver appropriate understanding toward readers. good luck