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|"Biomedical Science in Texas A&M University" - Need help revising the paper
2 - You start off with a long awkward sentence. Sometimes it is good to start with a shorter sentence so...
Undergraduatego1f4par - Oct 27, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Oct 30, 2009
|snowboarding - Common App short - elaborate on an extracurricular.
6 - I stumbled reading your first sentence, maybe because it started with a negative (NONE.) Maybe try starting with a...
Undergraduatedyoano - Oct 28, 2009 / linmark - Oct 30, 2009
|'life is inestimable' - meaningful event or experience UF essay
2 - Hi k.shannon, Of your 2 essays, the second one is stronger but needs some work. The first is rather...
Undergraduatewildatheart15 - Oct 29, 2009 / linmark - Oct 30, 2009
|MIT essay about my biggest challenge
Undergraduateopeakapo - Oct 29, 2009 / opeakapo - Oct 30, 2009
|University of California Essay Prompt #1: Grandfather gives me dream
2 - This is a good response to the prompt as it adequately describes your background. A better transition between your...
Undergraduatealexkim1592 - Oct 28, 2009 / Fiddysin - Oct 29, 2009
|My mother's advice to me. Columbia University Essay.
8 - Actually, I think this might be a better way to say it: Having been despondent for so long, I...
Undergraduateknichols05 - Oct 26, 2009 / knichols05 - Oct 29, 2009
|UFl Admission Essay (Important Moment In My Life)
11 - My English teacher suggested that I take the essay and focus more on my contribution to UF, as opposed...
UndergraduateblackbladeX1X2 - Oct 27, 2009 / blackbladeX1X2 - Oct 29, 2009
|University of Florida Essay..can any one help me?
Undergraduatedeonanand - Oct 26, 2009 / justdoit - Oct 29, 2009
|"You are wearing a mask!"; meaningful event, experience or accomplishment
6 - thanks guys!...
Undergraduateamandahart - Oct 27, 2009 / amandahart - Oct 29, 2009
|MIT where you come from (suburbia) and what you do for fun (freediving)
3 - not bad, definitely tells the reader about the world you come from (although your topic of choice is overdone)...
Undergraduatearticsheep - Oct 29, 2009 / dyoano - Oct 29, 2009
|'Family that likes pets' - is this a good MSU admissions essay
2 - Your writing style is too wordy and informal. You need to be more concise and use more appropriate diction...
Undergraduateoreodiamond - Oct 27, 2009 / EF_Sean - Oct 29, 2009
|My Unusual Experience at the Hospital - Univesity of Florida Essay
3 - I'll agree with Simrath here ... tie it more closely to the University and what you would like to...
UndergraduatePatelJ - Oct 29, 2009 / Notoman - Oct 29, 2009
|"My Calling"-- concise narrative essay
5 - See if everyone likes this any better... I read through other essays and felt there were a couple things...
UndergraduateJenico106 - Oct 27, 2009 / Jenico106 - Oct 29, 2009
|Biology, "mock trial" - University of Michigan Essay
15 - Here is my updated version of the essay. It isn't that radically different, but I tried to have a...
Undergraduatesrandhawa - Oct 28, 2009 / srandhawa - Oct 29, 2009
|"Very good job you bloody goat!" - Georgetown Essay
3 - an elegant but simple roof sat on walls with wood facades. A ll my skills acquired from the 4...
Undergraduatecarlospena91 - Oct 27, 2009 / juinette - Oct 29, 2009
|"my summer vacation" - common app
Undergraduatexit9zangel - Oct 28, 2009 / xit9zangel - Oct 29, 2009
|"Winning 2nd Place made me a determined person" - UF Essay
10 - Thank you very much for your comments, they're not obnoxious at all :P I was told the very same...
Undergraduateadllop - Oct 25, 2009 / adllop - Oct 29, 2009
|Umich school of music supplement
2 - Wow, brilliant. Your music seems to be able to reach people through your writing, too. Here is an...
Undergraduatehpc1992 - Oct 27, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Oct 29, 2009
|Stanford/Common App Short Answer; 'I started playing soccer at the age of six'
3 - thank you. I plan on getting more into political science in my essay on what I find intellectually engaging....
Undergraduatebmachado - Oct 28, 2009 / bmachado - Oct 29, 2009
|Commonapp SHORT ANSWER (orchestra performances)
Undergraduateayida365 - Oct 18, 2009 / ayida365 - Oct 29, 2009
|the Student Representative election - commonapp essay. significant experience
2 - The introduction is unnecessarily dramatized. The writing style in the opening paragraph is quite bland and is not as...
Undergraduatealexjyk - Oct 29, 2009 / Liebe - Oct 29, 2009
|About experience, country, education - How should I write this essay?
Undergraduateivan9210 - Oct 25, 2009 / EF_Stephen - Oct 28, 2009
|"Raised in a privileged community" - University of Michigan - Diversity essay
4 - looks like we're applying to the same school, you can check out what i wrote for this prompt with...
Undergraduatesb1092 - Oct 28, 2009 / srandhawa - Oct 28, 2009
|Weightlifting - need help with awkward sentences (common app short answer)
2 - You might just reword it a little, like this:I was encouraged thinking that others better than I had...
UndergraduateKlaw30 - Oct 28, 2009 / EF_Stephen - Oct 28, 2009
|track! ("I am able to do more")
3 - Your essay is definitely not horrible. My main suggestion would be that you elaborate more on the positive effects...
Undergraduatetal105 - Oct 26, 2009 / EF_Sean - Oct 28, 2009
|Diabetes in my family - Common Application Essay
11 - two things first off, just because there is a 250 word minimum, doens't mean your essay should go well...
UndergraduateGabrielle - Aug 15, 2009 / srandhawa - Oct 28, 2009
|"Looking Back" - Common App Essay---Evaluate a significant experience
Undergraduatesoxfan - Oct 28, 2009 / soxfan - Oct 28, 2009
|A Conversation with Myself: Our Life. Common Application Main Essay.
Undergraduateqomoco - Oct 22, 2009 / amandahart - Oct 28, 2009
|"Why are you still doing community Service? You know you don't have to, right?"
4 - This is a good choice for an extracurricular to elaborate on. It shows that you enjoy volunteering and you...
Undergraduategoodtimes - Oct 28, 2009 / soxfan - Oct 28, 2009
|Common App Short A. - Metaphorical significance or tangible significance?
Undergraduateicysakura - Oct 27, 2009 / icysakura - Oct 28, 2009
|"How diverse can our world possibly be?" - common app: last prompt on Diversity
Undergraduatejungcollege - Oct 24, 2009 / iram - Oct 28, 2009
|Common App Activity- Lack of team spirit in college Science Team
4 - i agree with the above opinion, you have to make this relate to you, why you are passionate, why...
Undergraduateowlcity24 - Oct 26, 2009 / srandhawa - Oct 28, 2009
|Illinois State admissions personal statement - 'I am unique among most people'
Undergraduatekanep123 - Oct 27, 2009 / EF_Sean - Oct 28, 2009
|USC (Reflect on a challenge you overcame through persistence)
2 - This is well-written! Great job. Like all writing, it can be improved if you revise for conciseness. You can...
UndergraduateFiddysin - Oct 27, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Oct 28, 2009
|Common app/UNC-CH essay
3 - Thanks a lot for your comments (and I apologize for the title). I was worried I didn't focus enough...
UndergraduateAnekantavada - Oct 26, 2009 / Anekantavada - Oct 28, 2009
|Brown supplement: What don't you know? "Mom's Secret"
8 - I definitgely think you should emphasize it more. That, and how not knowing is sometimes a fact of life,...
Undergraduateyoungkim9193 - Oct 27, 2009 / EF_Stephen - Oct 28, 2009
|'fond of origami' - MIT short answer, something you like to do
Undergraduatepapaya - Oct 26, 2009 / papaya - Oct 27, 2009
|'The Revolution and Conflict class' - Intellectually Engaging Experience Short Answer
3 - Even though I had heard this claim before, I had never truly thought about the fact that everything I...
Undergraduatenysock - Oct 25, 2009 / xoxovicki - Oct 27, 2009
|'Weeks in China, born in Japan' -STANFORD supplement
Undergraduatedudeitsmayy - Oct 25, 2009 / xoxovicki - Oct 27, 2009
|Common App- extracurricular activity (150 words)
Undergraduateangie127 - Oct 24, 2009 / angie127 - Oct 27, 2009
|"Asian American living in a city" - common app diversity essay
3 - You mentioned some things several times, and so parts of this are redundant. You also use slang terms for...
Undergraduatejustdoit - Oct 27, 2009 / EF_Stephen - Oct 27, 2009
|Goldman Sachs CTW - CommonApp - elaborate an experience. (150 words)
Undergraduateago1130 - Oct 27, 2009 / h4ppidais - Oct 27, 2009
|MIT Setback/biggest challenge essay... Freshman year grades
NEW - Up until 8th grade, I was a straight A student. I was able to coast through school just using...
Undergraduatepprajoth - Oct 27, 2009 / — -
|Brown Suppliment, my mom
3 - Your first 2 or 3 sentences are really awkward. But your writing gets better as the paragraph progresses. I...
Undergraduatemlmlfp - Oct 26, 2009 / sammiepuddle - Oct 27, 2009
|"My Talent" For UC PS Prompt #2 (transfer student)
3 - Thx for ur reply.. ye..writing in non-first language is much more difficult than u can image even though...
Undergraduatesimonma668 - Oct 27, 2009 / simonma668 - Oct 27, 2009
|Common App Essay.. Greatest Influence (my dad)
3 - just a suggestion you could make. The day my dad graduated from the State Police academy, overcoming the...
Undergraduateredsoxfreak3458 - Oct 27, 2009 / zowzow - Oct 27, 2009
|Goats- changes to the community
6 - the reason why i put the armhair in in was to entertain the administrative offices in order to like...
Undergraduatespicawind - Oct 18, 2009 / spicawind - Oct 27, 2009
|FSU ESSAY-- VIRUS, ARTES, MORES "BUILD HOMES FOR KATRINA VICTIM" (CRITIQUE)
3 - Thank you for the advice on this essay! I was planning on submitting it that night, but I'm glad...
Undergraduatecbaker0717 - Oct 16, 2009 / cbaker0717 - Oct 27, 2009
|Computer Science...Intership and volunteer work
3 - I love computer programming too and your essay sounds wonderful. Your dedication to programming really shines through in your...
Undergraduatejean253 - Oct 26, 2009 / blubunny5 - Oct 27, 2009
|A "dorky" friend who changed my life----Common application person's influence
Undergraduatemcdy143 - Oct 25, 2009 / mcdy143 - Oct 27, 2009
|'Chicken fried rice' - family culture, environment, etc. influenced you?
3 - I really liked your essay. It was unique, fun, and interesting. It started off well and instantly grabbed my...
UndergraduateCarrieC92 - Oct 7, 2009 / jiggysmalls - Oct 27, 2009
|'Abraham Lincoln's Gettysburg Address' - UF Essay: (meaningful event)
7 - Great essay, but good blow flow, but the only problem is you are incorporating too many ideas to the...
Undergraduatespatel1114 - Oct 19, 2009 / ago1130 - Oct 27, 2009
|Brown's PLME essays -- neurology and science
Undergraduatenadabatu - Oct 25, 2009 / linmark - Oct 27, 2009
|Common App: Elaborate on an Activity (Human RIghts Club)
2 - You can omit the first sentence, and the reader will still understand. Oh no, that is wrong, you should...
Undergraduatemeekap - Oct 26, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Oct 27, 2009
|Best Friend's Suicide (COMMON APP ESSAY PROMPT #1)
12 - Much better. You seem much more thoughtful and compassionate in your latest version. When you say does...
Undergraduateemmelinew - Oct 26, 2009 / EF_Sean - Oct 27, 2009
|An essay about an experience (moving)
2 - How about a different order of words: Slowly and resentfully, I w alked down the stairs and once...
Undergraduatenoor9279 - Oct 25, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Oct 27, 2009
|Diversity essay.(Thoughts emerged from Peking Opera Make-ups.)
Undergraduatelinhexi - Oct 22, 2009 / linhexi - Oct 27, 2009
|'drawing lessons' - Common App - Short Answer
7 - Some errors you might wanna fix: drawing lessons was just another activity - lessons ARE There, uniforms were...
Undergraduatetitenhi - Oct 17, 2009 / linmark - Oct 27, 2009
|"Moved to Tokyo, Japan" - University of Michigan - Setback Essay
6 - Now that's a much more satisfying read. :-) You can take the first paragraph out without damaging the...
Undergraduatekrazzikittie - Oct 25, 2009 / EF_Stephen - Oct 27, 2009
|'love for mathematics' - U of M-what made u choose math major?
4 - Great essay, i can really feel your passion for the subject. However, sometimes i feel like its a...
Undergraduatesting910309 - Oct 26, 2009 / krazzikittie - Oct 27, 2009
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