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Posts by ashelarisa48
Name: Ashela Risa
Joined: Aug 10, 2016
Last Post: Oct 27, 2016
Threads: 36
Posts: 52  
Likes: 4
From: Indonesia
School: University of Sumatera Utara

Displayed posts: 88 / page 2 of 3
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ashelarisa48   
Aug 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / It Is Easy to be Healthy - but not for everyone [3]

Some people say that in the modern world it is very difficult for people to have a healthy lifestyle. Others, however, say it is easy for people to be healthy and fit if they want to be.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.


In terms of realising a healthy lifestyle, people today can be divided by two types. One assumes it is hard to do while other believes it is easy, provided they really intend to be healthy. In this case, I do agree that a healthy lifestyle is a possible thing and easy to be practiced if we have a strong will.

Most people in this modern world have a full-time job with sedentary activities. A reason why they think a healthy lifestyle is difficult to do is because they have no time for preparing some healthy foods, doing some exercises, and having enough rest. Another reason is modern technology makes them lazier because many works can be finished by them. Consequently, fast food can be their choice to satisfy their appetite practically. They also forget to exercise and only have monotone activities. They often work overtime to get more salary. Even though nutrition, exercise and enough rest are three essential elements to keep healthy.

Actually, there is a trick to preserve health. It is called 'discipline'. It does not make sense if someone have to work every time. Having no time can not be a reason anymore for people who believe it is hard to practice a healthy lifestyle. It is just about how to use time properly. Being healthy does not mean they have to exercise every day, but the more important is how to balance the time for working, preparing a healthy food, having enough rest and exercising.

In the end, if people try to make it a habit, it will be easy to have a healthy lifestyle. Nothing is difficult to do, provided they truly implement it. Try to be discipline and use the time as well as possible, start from now.
ashelarisa48   
Aug 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / Overall, the most Bulgarians who tend to leave their country finished education at secondary level [2]

Writing IELTS task 1 : level of education of Bulgarians planning to leave Bulgaria

The bar chart shows information about the percentage of Bulgarians planning to leave Bulgaria based on level of education between 2002 and 2008.

The highest number of Bulgarians who leave Bulgaria was from secondary level in 2002 at 65 percent. It decreased gradually from 65 percent in 2002 to 59 percent in 2008. On the contrary, the percentage of Bulgarians in primary and lower education constantly went up gradually from 2002 to 2006 and up again dramatically from 2006 to 2008 at 32 percent. Compared to other level of education and other year, the lowest number of Bulgarians was from higher education at only 9 percent in 2008.

Overall, The most Bulgarians who tend to leave Bulgaria was from secondary education, although it had a gradual decrease year by year. The number of Bulgarians from primary and lower education had always increased every year, while the number of Bulgarians in higher education was fluctuated.






ashelarisa48   
Aug 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / French-language teachers were recruied more often from 2001 to 2007, in contrast to English tutors [3]

The line graph illustrates a number of teachers following recruitment in Ontario by year of graduation, over a 7-year period from 2001 to 2007, divided by English-language teachers and French-language teachers.

Overall, French-language teachers experienced a slightly increase from 2001 to 2007 while the percentage of English-language teachers was a significant fall at the same period.

In 2001, both English-language and French-language educators had nearly the same number at around 70 percent, but the number of those who teach French had fluctuated, went down to 50 percent in 2002 and up to 68 percent in 2003, while English-language teachers constantly decreased at 40 percent in the same time.

Between 2003 and 2005, both of them had a gradual increase of 5 percent from 40 percent of English-language teachers and 3 percent from 67 percent of French-language teachers.

However, the percentage of English-language teachers fell again from 2005 to 2007 at 28 percent. In the contrast, French-language teachers reached in peak in 2007 at 75 percent although it fluctuated in the previous year.






ashelarisa48   
Aug 30, 2016
Writing Feedback / It's not necessary to earn money by children when they are still on parents care [5]

Hello Daya! Nice to see you in essay forum! ^^
Here is my little correction for your essay. Hope it helps.

... because it only taught teaches them in theories but lack of practices.

However, it is not necessary unnecessary thing to earn some ...

because they are still on adult it should be their parent's ...

I have some notes for you:
1. Try to simplify your sentences in order to make the readers easier to understand it.
2. Check in collocation dictionary to find a matching preposition in phrasal verb.
3. The most important, because it is writing task 2, you should write at least 250 words. Your essay did not reach in 250 words.

keep writing, Daya!
ashelarisa48   
Aug 30, 2016
Writing Feedback / A wind turbine consist of tower, generator, wind sensor, and blades controlled by a computer. [5]

The diagrams present the components of a wind turbine and where it can be placed. A wind turbine consist of tower, generator, wind sensor, and blades controlled by a computer. The best locations for the wind turbine is in a free landscape area with windy condition. It can be below sea level, on the highland and in domestic area.

The tower functionate as the cantilever of other parts. It is made of steel and constructed high. At the upper point of tower, there is a generator which can produce 1,5 megawatts of electricity. It is equipped with the wind sensor to control speed and direction of turbine, which connected to a computer in a small building not far from it. At the opposite of wind sensor, there is blades which made of fiberglass or wood and rotate when the wind comes then produce the electricity.

The optimum place to install the wind turbines is in the landscape area which is free from any tall buildings and has maximum wind strengths. It also can be located near from houses, called 'domestic turbine' but it only produce the lower output about 100 kilowatts.






ashelarisa48   
Aug 30, 2016
Writing Feedback / The environment improvement depends only on large companies since individuals can't do much alone [4]

Hello Maulida! Nice to see you in essay forum! Here a little feedback for you.

The improvement of environment An environment preservation can only rely depends on the large companies and the business since (...) nothing to do about it.

... and dry rubbish will only be succeeded successful if the individuals do ...

Apart from previous discussion, the improvement of environment also relays on individual roles because they have a key position in controlling the environment. ( you write some words repeated several times, it will be better if you look for the similar words)

To sum up, individual participation and role have great impacts on the ... ----> use one of them, participation or role, if you use both of them, it is redundancy)

keep writing and good luck
ashelarisa48   
Aug 30, 2016
Writing Feedback / These days, many entertainment news report celebrities activities and their private lives. [2]

Hallo my lovely classmate! You did it well and I only have a little feedback for you.

These days, many entertainment news which report celebrities ...
... increasing because many viewers which are curious about ...

On the other hand, inspiring people giving give much more ...

Well done! Keep practice!
Let's conquer the IELTS!!
ashelarisa48   
Aug 30, 2016
Writing Feedback / Facts about celebrities are always interesting to follow, and the lives of ordinary people? [2]

The media pay too much attention to the lives and relationships of celebrities such as actors, singers or footballers. They should spend more time reporting the lives of ordinary people instead.

To what extend do you agree or disagree?


Facts about celebrities are always interesting to be followed. Because of easiness to access information from mass media, people are easy to know more about the celebrities' lifestyle. However, some people argue that the media is too much showing the news about the celebrities, whereas they should balance reporting about the ordinary people. I think it is not true, because in fact, the media also perform many interesting things about the people who are not celebrities.

Based on my experience, TV broadcasts have presented many kinds of shows. It is not always about an actor, a singer and a footballer which are a well-known person. Some stations also report about the ordinary people who have a dedication in society. It makes the media interested to report their life story. For example, 'Kick Andy', one of the most famous talk shows in Indonesia, usually invites some ordinary people from different background, but they did something amazing, such as a child has an extraordinary math skill to memorize so many numbers, or a doctor paid with no money but trash. Certainly, it is inspiring and they become famous afterwards.

Television also have managed time to present various shows. For example, people can see the children's station in the morning, the celebrities' show in the afternoon, national and international news in the evening, and so on. Those are the evidences that the media is not always presenting about celebrities. Likewise, a magazine or a newspaper usually has a particular column to highlight some new figures that unfamiliar but appeared in the media because of their achievement.

In conclusion, I personally believe that the media have provided many kinds of information equally, not only about celebrities but also about ordinary people who inspiring. Now, it depends on the audiences about what kinds of information they choose to be paid attention.
ashelarisa48   
Sep 1, 2016
Undergraduate / Nomination Essay - What motivates you to attend a service academy? [2]

Hai Emma! Nice to see you in essay forum. Here is my little feedback.

I began my college searching touring ...

As I visited these colleges, I struggled with feeling ...

However, I'm searching for a school that's going to challenge that can build me to become ...

I crave the truest form of challenge: [...] along with being in a sport while at the academies. --> (This paragraph is quite confusing, maybe you can simplify it.)

... for my high school track team in my junior and senior year.

I think you should write a main idea in each paragraph in order to make it coherently.

Good luck!
ashelarisa48   
Sep 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / Nowadays, private car is one of the essential needs for people lives. But there's too many of them. [5]

Hi Heru! I want to give some feedback for you, here we go.

... to encourage their professionalism professionalism or only ...

... capability of vehicle and make role a regulation to reduce car used.
In addition, the traffic congestion will happen in many places so people could can not feel freedom when they travel and have to go to in workplace on time.

There is some suggestions which ...

... using cars cause a bad problem for the environment and human life.

To ensure the solutions working effectively, government and ...

Hope this helps
ashelarisa48   
Sep 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / The correlation between happiness and marriage status in the US [4]

The first bar chart presents the correlation between happiness and marriage status in the US. Both married and unmarried are categorized into four age groups. Related to the second bar chart, it shows the level of happiness on married people based on the children they have.

Overall, the survey proves that the married people are twice happier than the other who are unmarried. Also, having children or not is not so influential on the happiness level of the married people. Married people who have no children also have the happiness ratings nearly the same as the other who have children under 18 years old and 18 above.

All age groups of married people have the percentage of happiness in a nearly same number around 40 - 45 percent, while unmarried people only have 21 - 34 percent. The happiest age of married people is the group at 18 - 29 years old while the unmarried group at 65 years old and over is the happiest than the other. Then, married group who have children under 18 years old is the happiest at 44 percent of the ratings.






ashelarisa48   
Sep 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / Nowadays, every piece of business conducted by humans is easier because of the advanced technology [4]

Hello! Just a little feedback for you, hope this helps.

Nowadays, every business conducted by humans communication is has been easier because of technology.

For example, the students can take an online application of taught master's courses program course in at University of Manchaster in UK as an example .

For apply To apply as to be an international student there in other country, we just only need to complete all documents by send sending an attachment (...) with the supervisor use by using an email.

To sum up, I more believe in that the advanced devices it make your life easier and ...

... government should make the rules and controls control about the advancement of technology.
ashelarisa48   
Sep 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / Writing IELTS task 2 : starting a business instead of working for a company [2]

Some people decide to start their own business instead of working for a company or organisation.
Do the advantages for people working for their own business outweigh the disadvantages?


"Be a leader, not a follower", is a proverb which often encourages some people to build their own business instead of working for a corporation or institution. They believe that being a businessman is the best way to be rich. For others it is too risky because an enterprise is susceptible to be bankrupt. Still I think the risk is not comparable with many advantages they gain.

Starting a business certainly needs a big effort. At the first time, people have to provide so many resources such as a business plan, asset, human resources, materials, and machines. Sometimes they are necessary to be in debt to the bank to supply the stock. Then, their income is also unpredictable and fluctuated, in contrast to an employee who gets a fixed salary every month. If they cannot survive, they might go bankrupt. They have no much time for their family or friends because they have to focus on developing their business as well.

However, being an entrepreneur has so many advantages that cannot be gained if they work for a company. It can improve their soft skills especially in leadership. They learn how to expand the networking, to manage the workers, time, and other resources, also tend to be more creative to solve a problem. Certainly it needs much fund at beginning but if they succeed to develop their venture, they will be very wealthy. When their firm has been widespread, they do not need to work hard and they have more free time for family and friends, because they already have engaged many employees. Actually, it gives a good impact for a country because it can reduce unemployment rate.

To conclude, I believe that there is no gain without pain. Some challenges will be faced when starting an enterprise and often bring some disadvantages, but at the end, more benefits will come.
ashelarisa48   
Sep 2, 2016
Writing Feedback / Letter to a friend, asking for help - IELTS WRITING TASK 1 GENERAL TRAINING [4]

Here is my feedback for you..

Hallo how are you? Are you okay? how is your life? ... I want to study plan in your country.

Next year I program decide to continue further studies my study master's degree, the major is management ...

I schedule in will be living there ...

I also have a plan schedule there is not only learn but I want to take a part-time job, because in there I do not get a scholarship so I have to pay the study fees provide the study funding by myself.

In addition I still have to disburse look for a boarding house, preparing the the cost to eat everyday living cost.

Hope this helps.
ashelarisa48   
Sep 2, 2016
Writing Feedback / Writing IELTS task 2 : People still can be fashionable without spending much money [4]

Some people argue that fashion items cost too much money. Others say that this is acceptable because fashion in an important part of life.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.


Some people think that being fashionable is too expensive, while others argue it is an essential thing to support their appearance. I believe that it is important to be fashionable but it does not suppose to cost much money.

Fashion items, especially the branded stuffs, are often priced so expensive. Some people think it is fair enough because most of them have a high quality as well. In addition, people who need to buy it usually are because of several reasons, such as their job pretension, lifestyle, following their favourite artist, or not want to be looked outdated. They believe that fashionable dress makes them more confident.

However, fashionable appearance is not always about something expensive with a new brand. People can combine their old items or overhaul it to make it stylish. Even if they have to purchase a new one, they have to be smart enough to select a fashionable and high quality dress with a suitable price. A fashionable stuff sometimes has an unbelievable price whereas it can be cheaper in the different shop. In my experience, I have ever found a usual shirt priced three times more expensive than a similar shirt in other clothing store. Of course, it does not make any sense.

In conclusion, what people wear is an important thing to build a good impression. The price also usually has a positive correlation with the quality. However, people have to fix it with their financial capability. They still can be fashionable without spending much money if they are smart enough to mix and match the fashion items or find the stuffs with a normal or cheaper price.
ashelarisa48   
Sep 2, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 (Practice) - Rural Education: Sophisticated Technologies or Qualified Apparatus?? [3]

Education is still less accessible for kids who live in ... -----------------------------> Most children who live in a countryside have a less access of education.

... of computers and internet access is are highly demanded in this digital era.

Most of the things have been computerized including one of the sources to access knowledge ... ----> I think you better simplify this sentence, it makes reader a little confuse to get the point.

... program and supported by professionally professional certified teachers.

Hope it helps..
ashelarisa48   
Sep 2, 2016
Writing Feedback / "Employees should dress smartly" - Some companies' rules ask their workers to wear a suit [3]

Hi Eka!
I have focused on your grammar and I think you just have a little error. Well done! :)
I also can get your point easily.
This is some corrections for your writing.

Meanwhile, others believe that fashion is not necessary unnecessary because valuable ...

Employees might feel uncomfortable and bore bored to cloth wear an ...

Keep Spirit!
ashelarisa48   
Sep 2, 2016
Writing Feedback / Every company usually has some criteria to employ their workers. One of it to dress "smartly". [5]

Some organizations believe that their employees should dress smartly. Others value quality of work above appearance.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.


Every company usually has some criteria to employ their workers. Some of them give a requirement that the workers have to dress smartly, while others believe that the work performance is more important than their fashion. In my opinion, dress smartly is an essential value when working, because what the employees wear influences their performance.

All organizations certainly have a rule for their workers to dress smartly. I think 'dressing smartly' does not mean they have to dress formally, with a tie, black shoes, glasses, and a long-sleeved shirt. 'Dressing smartly' means that the employees should wear something suitable with their job field and personality. For example, an art and design company usually gives a freedom for their employees to wear a stuff they like. It is such an attractive and unique fashion or something comfortable that allows them to be more creative. In other case, a consultant, a salesman, or a lawyer who have to meet their client, certainly must be looked professional, natty and elegant in order to make their customs feel impressive.

In contrast to a fire brigade or a laboratory worker, they have to wear a special jacket or a laboratory coat when working. It is important to save them from an occupational hazard that cannot be protected if they wear a shirt with a tie. Other example, google, a big web company does not obligate their employees to dress natty. It is suppose to be comfortable and might be a casual shirt to ease them to find a new idea or creativity.

To sum up, I am sure that dressing smartly gives a positive correlation to the quality of job. The employees have to wear something comfortable and suitable to their job in order to increase their work performance.
ashelarisa48   
Sep 3, 2016
Writing Feedback / Visitors should be respectful of the local heritage because it will give them a memorable experience [3]

Some people believe that visitors to other countries should follow local customs and behaviour. Others disagree and think that the host country should welcome cultural differences.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.


Every country has their own culture that makes some peope believe that when they travel to a country, they have to adapt with the local customs and the behaviour. However, others argue that the host country should accept the visitors' culture and understand it. In my view, the travellers should follow the customs while the local should preserve their culture but still treat the tourists friendly.

The main reason why travelling to other country is always interesting is because the travellers will experience something new which is different from their usual activities. Not only seeing the scenic landscape but also understanding the local culture make them feeling amazed. Certainly, they have to follow the local customs to really feel the impression. It makes their knowledge broader than when they only stay to not try to have it. It can also be a way to appreciate it. Furthermore, the local will be happy if the visitors want to learn more about their tradition such as the traditional music and dance, their vernacular language, and so on. It makes them priceless even they will treat you as their family.

In addition, the local people have to be kind and accept them in order to make them comfortable during the trip. However, they do not suppose to change their culture into the foreign culture to prevent it from the cultural shift. It is important to remain their unique culture to keep sustainable.

In conclusion, it is important for the visitors to follow the local heritage because it will give them a memorable experience. Also it will be perfect if the local keep their cultures and make a good relation with the visitors.The point is how they can tolerate each other.
ashelarisa48   
Sep 3, 2016
Writing Feedback / Parenting is hard to master. Children should be taught about it at school's formal training. [3]

This is a little bit correction for you,

... children should be taught to be a good parents parent by sending them to school's formal training a formal school.

... understand how to make a responsible choices choice in family structure, ------> actually I am a little bit confused while reading this sentence, I think you should simplify this sentence to make the reader easier to understand it.

... important role to take a formal training because ...

Hope this helps
ashelarisa48   
Sep 3, 2016
Writing Feedback / Writing task 1 : Agricultural destruction during the 1990 [3]

This is a feedback for you, hope this helps..

The chart and the table illustrate the factors of (...) countries which caused experienced the agricultural destruction ...

The pie chart presents the largest factor (...) world was over-grassing was caused land degradation in the world with 35 percent.

And the other factor influences influenced destruction ...

The table presents the percentage of land degradation ....

And the least is was the North ...

Well done, Miss Dhiiillll! Keep writing ^^
ashelarisa48   
Sep 3, 2016
Writing Feedback / Writing IELTS task 1 : the factors of global land degradation and its influence in three region [3]

The main factors of agricultural land reduction in the world which are presented in the pie chart were over-grazing, deforestation, over-cultivation, and other reason. Related to the next table, it shows the percentage of land degradation which was caused by the factors in three zones during 1990s.

Overall, the biggest cause of global land degradation was over-gazing at 35 percent. At the time, over-gazing also was a factor which gave the highest percentage of reduction in Oceania. However, compared to other region, Europe had a largest area of land degradation at 23 percent, followed by Oceania at 13 percent, and the last was North America at 5 percent.

The biggest factor which caused the largest land of the reduction in Europe was deforestation at 9.8 percent, while it was over-cultivation in North America at 3.3 percent. In Oceania, the most reason caused the degradation of agricultural land was over-grazing, with the percentage of land degraded was 11.3 percent. However, it was an interesting fact in Oceania that over-cultivation gave no contribution to the degradation of land while it was quite influential in both North America and Europe.






ashelarisa48   
Sep 4, 2016
Writing Feedback / Video games play an important role - not only in entertainment, although there are some consequences [4]

You did it well, I found just a little error.

On the other hand, playing the video games could be [...] they are addicted to play games. ---------------------> (it will be better if you also give a supporting sentence about health such as less physical activity)

... it has also made people to get some disadvantages. If the players do not play video ...

Hope this helps..
ashelarisa48   
Sep 4, 2016
Writing Feedback / At times, people who travel to other country bring their original culture which impacts on local one [3]

Hai mbak dil! Let's go to my little feedback, hehee

Some people argue that tourists who travel to other countries should be followed by understanding try to follow the traditional customs and the attitude of indigenous people.

... people convince that the tourism countries ...

... them must be understand anything else. each other.

... bring their original culture and it influences the original ...

There is acultural acculturation among visitor ...

In other that hand, it affects original fashion in host society.

... many international touristsusing use "you can see" clothes ... (i think you better change 'you can see' to other idiom because it is uncommon and some people wil hard to understand it)

Finally, it have happened has given a moral decadence ...

Keep writing yaa Puan Aji!! xoxo
ashelarisa48   
Sep 5, 2016
Writing Feedback / Opinion that making money is the only one of a business' goal, so a businessman should focus on it [2]

The purpose of business is to make money and they should concentrate only on this.
Do you agree or disagree?


An opinion said that making money is the only one of a business' goal, so a businessman should focus on it. Actually, I cannot agree with that view because money is only one of the outcomes of the business. The most important thing that should be noticed is building trust of public through the enterprise quality improvement.

There is a big gap between a company which has an orientation on money and other which focus on the quality improvement. If money is expected as the main purpose of business, the businessman tends to allow all means, good or bad, to produce more and more money. It will give some disadvantages for others, for instance people often hear about a company which damages an environment only for the sake of profit, or about an enterprise which gives unworthy salary to their workers because giving more salary is considered decreasing the profit of the company. This type of company, at first they will get much money, but after that, it usually cannot survive for a long time because they lose the public support.

In contrast to the business which pay more attention to the quality improvement. They will try hard to give a best product to public without damaging the environment because they focus on the ways to build the public trust. They will learn more and more about how to manage the resources, treating their workers well as giving the salary based on their workload, and preparing to face various posibly challenges in future. This kind of company, at first they cannot make profit fastly, but sooner or later they will be more stable and can survive everlasting. They succed to collect public trust, both the society and the workers.

In conclusion, money is not the main point of a business. The most essential thing of building a company is the enhancement of quality in oder to form peole trust and give advantages for human life. If it is carried out seriously, the company will get more profits not only money but also sustainability of the business.
ashelarisa48   
Sep 5, 2016
Writing Feedback / Listening carefully and dealing with people - crucial skills in interpersonal communication at work [2]

The two tables present the most important skill of communication in job according to the people asked in two public surveys in 1997 and 2006. The skills are divided into two forms of communication which are external related to the client and internal related to the communication skills within company.

Overall, not only in 1997 but also in 2006, the most essential skill in external communication was dealing with people, while listening carefully to colleagues was the most main point in internal communication. The percentage of all skills increased from 1997 to 2006, except selling a product or service which decreased at the same time.

Most participants asked also believed that knowledge about products or services and caring for clients were two important things in communication outside company after dealing with people. Selling a product or service was the last skill which was considered as the essential in external relation.

In communication within company, analysing problems together with others and training people were the next essential skills after listening partners of job. The participants considered that making speeches or presentations was not so important skill than other skills.






ashelarisa48   
Sep 5, 2016
Undergraduate / Even until this day, I still remember what some monk said once to me about success [6]

Hello, I have read your essay and found a little error in grammatical.

"Success is a journey, not a destination" said from a Vietnamese monk ...

... found me as I was a lazy child tenageer because (...) than study I value my sleeps more than my studies .

My parents always ask me "How come you're not smart? why are you so lazy?",

... the Asian countries can do know one's fortune telling by reading people's their face... is that true?

If it is true, can could you read mine?"

Actually, your essay is clearly enough, I can get your point and it is an interesting experience. However, I do not exactly what kind of volunteery programme you did because you did not tell more about it. I think it is one of good parts to make your essay more impressive. You can describe more about what kind of volunteery program and why you joined it.

Good luck!
ashelarisa48   
Sep 5, 2016
Writing Feedback / Nowadays, many people go shopping in their free time. Shopping has replaced man other activities [5]

... interested in spending time doing to go shopping which substitutes ...

In my view doing shopping is considered as a negative aspect which ...

Therefore overall time involved in doing shopping attributes ... ----------> I think you better simplify this sentence because it is quite confused to understand.

Therefore , it is certainly true that shopping kills ...

... such as spillage of money and the considerable waste of time.

Hope this helps
ashelarisa48   
Sep 5, 2016
Writing Feedback / People today are more and more inclined to utilise electronic media in their social life. [5]

The use of electronic media has a negative effect on personal relationships between people.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?


People today are more and more prefarably to utilise electronic media in their social life. Because of its sophistication, it helps human doing communication easier. Although some people think that it has a bad impact on a private relation, I think it gives more advantages outweigh the negative impact if it is used wisely.

There are several reasons why some people feel worry about the media electronic use. The first is it makes them preoccuption and finally neclecting others. They sometimes prefer to spend more time with television or computer than make a conversation or go out with their friends. Addiction on electronic media also makes one tends to ignore other people around, for instance a tenageer who is in full concentration playing a video game sometimes avoids their family talk. The next is many kinds of deception can be possibly done by using internet such as a fake online shop, a fake account and details of a friend, also can ease married people cheating with others. Electronic media, especially social media, sometimes is abused by a group of people, they make an anonym account and start a fight with other users. It is certainly not good for human relationships.

However, people will get more positive effect when they use the electronic media appropriately. It makes many improvements on the personal relationships. Video games, sometimes can be a device to build intimacy with friends or family. They can also make a new community of games lovers. Televison, with its various programmes, also can be an interesting material to be discussed with others. Then, long distance and limited time are not an obstacle anymore to communicate each other because of the internet. Turning on the laptop, connecting to the internet, they will open the world with so many people that can be their friends. Even the internet can reunite old friend and be a tool to find a mate.

To conclude, electronic media has improved the personal relationship of human being. It offers much easiness in communication and should be utilised wisely. Therefore, people will get more benefits than the bad impact.
ashelarisa48   
Sep 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / Help me to improve my writing. EILTS 6_Nurse Migration [3]

The Nursing shortage has been a serious problem not only for certain countries but also in the entire world.

Long-term solutions are required to overcome such condition, especially in emerging countries such as sub-Sahara Africa, South Asia, and Latin America.

At least, there are two particular issues caused by causing the nursing shortage.

Firstly, There isthe worker's workers' immigration. (Your last writing is a phrase. You should add a main verb to make it being a sentence)

Secondly, limited nurse supply. The second is the limited number of nurses.

In order other side, drawback appeared that nursing positions at home are unfilled.

Meanwhile, in the African countries in which the HIV/AIDS epidemic is rampant, some sufferers were not appropriately treated because of unavailable drugs.

Hope this helps.
ashelarisa48   
Sep 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / Summary: Being on Facebook Can Actually Make Us Happier [3]

... social media which can be found installed in every smartphone or computer.

In spite of that, some researchers are more likely (...) and many other disadvantages owing related to this social media.

... using Facebook who always posted and updated the status in the period ...

Fowler said, the datasuggested that being on the social networking ...

Hope this helps.
ashelarisa48   
Sep 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / Writing IELTS Task 1 : How to process the cocoa and how much its costs [3]

The diagram illustrates the steps how to process the cocoa to be the commercial food, while the allocation of costs needed to produce the chocolate bar is presented in the pie chart. As seen, it needs several stages to change the raw cocoa to be the three new products which are cocoa butter, cocoa powder and chocolate bar. Related to the pie chart, the majority of spending in chocolate bar production is used for ingredients and overheads and for the marketing fee in supermarket.

The raw cocoa have to be grinded first to separate the sustention and the waste. Then, it turns out to be the liquid cocoa as the result. The next is pressing the liquid cocoa which results the cocoa butter and the cocoa powder. The cocoa powder is ready to be marketed in food companies while the cocoa butter is needed by the industrial chocolate to be one of the ingredients to produce chocolate bar, others are liquid cocoa and sugar. These are mixed and the chocolate bar is ready to eat.

Cost of ingredients and overheads and the marketing fee in supermarket contribute the largest amount of spending in chocolate bar production with over 70% of total. About 15% of cost is used for the tax whilst spending for the chocolate company and the farmer come to be the minority.




ashelarisa48   
Sep 23, 2016
Writing Feedback / Identify your greatest interest, find career that match what you love, and pursue it no matter what [3]

Hallo Ryan! This is a little feedback for you

According on This video which is talking about follow following your passion to finding find the work by Benjamin Todd. He said, in while he was a teenager, he was interested to invested invest money into gold.

Then, talk about job must find reliable information that the job more perfect. -----> what do you mean by this sentence? Actually it is quite confused, try to make it can be easier to understand.

Employment The employees who have 8000 hours to work is take so much time ...

Besides, a complex complicated problem will be helped solved by several resources to finded make a career decision.

Focus in on the wrong thing is the most important ...........(you should add a noun here) for human-being.

In 1980, the data shows they are followed their parents to collect some earn much money and the last then followed your passion to make a better place.

for example, you need to Identify your greatest interest, finding the career that is matched and interested, pursue pursuing the career no matter what.

Hope this helps.
ashelarisa48   
Sep 23, 2016
Writing Feedback / Using Security Cameras in the Supermarket [2]

Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, through cellphone tracking and security cameras). In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening.

Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?


As a development in security, using a sophisticated technology such a camera in the public area like in the supermarket is more and more increase. It aims to capture all activities happening in the supermarket to prevent a stealing case while the buyers are often unaware to be monitored. Although the cost to apply it is quite expensive, I really believe it effectively helps the keepers to oversee the bustling in the supermarket in order to prevent a crime such a stealing.

Several shops decide not to use the cameras to keep watching the condition around. It is more likely to ensue as a camera with a high resolution and good quality has a high price at approximately over 100 dollars per item. Taking an example, a manager of violet supermarket in New Jersey admitted that he preferred to utilize the income to maintain the building and to supply new products than installing the security cameras in the supermarket. He also argued that it was the shopkeepers' job to watch the purchasers while they were picking the products. Unfortunately, it is inevitable that the keepers sometimes are careless to monitor manually, then the stealing can be occurred.

Placing the security cameras in the every corner of supermarket is considered to be the best way to capture a stealing case. Although it needs a high cost, the business will not experience the disadvantage because of missing their products. A data from world technology magazine in 2012 shows a number of rustlings in the most of supermarket in some Asian countries is successful to be revealed and the doers can be arrested due to the recording by the security cameras. In addition, it can also be an alternative device to find such a bag or wallet of the purchasers which is left out in the supermarket.

By the reason, the expensive price of the cameras is not being a problem if it is compared with its advantages in order to prevent the stealing. Monitoring the condition in supermarket by using cameras is expected to be able to decrease the number of stealing cases, so that it will be safer and the business will not lose their benefit.
ashelarisa48   
Oct 3, 2016
Writing Feedback / TED Summary: The unexpected beauty of everyday sounds by eklit Hadero [4]

Hi Alfa! Well done, this topic is interesting, but i found some errors in grammar. Hope this helps.

Do you ever felt feel this world around in every ...

Language is and silent -totally without sound- are teacher too? (i have no idea on this sentence, seems to be difficult to understand. It is better for you to simplify this)

Meklit Hadero, who from Ethiopia and a song writer and RnB singer from Ethiopia in rhythm and beat (RnB) genrewas talk talked about unexpected ...

Firstly, she starts started her magnificent (...) and every audience pay paid attention about it.

She told about that sound which explained a sound (...) but it wasstill a majestic nature sound.

... heritage in modern world- thatcreated the great deal of ...

... with some accents which were made natural sound and premium music. (passive voice)

That's That was amazing little thing. Last but not the least, she believed world around with music was also musical in silent.

Moreover, human life with heart-beat song and human breath system's sound. (where is the main verb?)

She was give gave us some philosophical thought about appreciate appreciation in every sound which teach taught us to be aware also dolorous less.

In the last words, she said there is was no the end of inspiration, just if we keep kept listening. (indirect speech)
ashelarisa48   
Oct 3, 2016
Writing Feedback / Kang Lee: Can you really tell if a kid is lying? (TED Summary) [7]

Hi Sasariri! here are some feedback for you, hope this helps.

Most of the audiences put their hands up when Kang Lee asked them if they ever lie lied in childhood.

Adults believed some concerning about kid and lies. First, children started to lie at elementary school. Second, children are poor liars so we are easily to detect it. Last, if children lies at very young age,.. (I found some sentences used present simple while others used past simple. You have to be consistent in writing, does it give a general truth or a past context?)

... guessing cards and the winner will would get a big gift but the researcher should get out of the room and told ...

... left the room, they peeked the cards.

... showed more than 80% children were peek peeked the cards as soon as the teacher get got out from the room ...
ashelarisa48   
Oct 3, 2016
Writing Feedback / Language and Science Course Enrolments at Redbrick College of Higher Education [NEW]

The line graph presents how many students who registered in language and science courses at Redbrick College of Higher Education during the ten-year period. Overall, the students are more and more enthused to follow the language class than the science class d. The science course did not experience a significant change in the number of students in the same period while the number of students who enrolled in the language class had an upward trend.

In the first year, there were 98 students who followed in science class, about a half more than the number of students in language class. We can see that the initial number of students experienced a gradual increase and reached in peak at 118 students in the next two years, while the latter numbers showed the reverse and fell to 35 students. However, the next year onward until year 7 presented that the students in the science class plummeted to 85 students whilst the number of students in the language class increased dramatically to 85 students. In this time, both had a same number of students.

The language students have been an increase number and reached at 105 students from year 7 to present. It was different from the science students who have been fluctuated, falling to over 50 students in year 8 and up to 95 students at present, ten students less than the language students.




ashelarisa48   
Oct 10, 2016
Writing Feedback / BIRD MIGRATION TO BREED DURING THE WARM SEASON [5]

You did it well! It is just a little correction, hope this helps.

... to higher scopes of the NouthernNorthern Hemisphere to breed ...
... scopes of the southern; just speciespecies of seabirds relocate toward ...

... fly for a constrained perriod period every day regularly ...
Nonetheless, it isattempts any longer flights when (...) of water or other geopgraphicgeographic features, ...
ashelarisa48   
Oct 10, 2016
Writing Feedback / THERE ARE ADVANTAGES AND DISADVANTAGES TO BECOMING AN INHABITANT OF A MODERN CITY [3]

Here are a little correction for your writing, hope this helps.

I am a beginning learner of English beginner of learning English.

...people would like settling to settle in ...

Nowadays, living of peoplepeople lifehavehas changed rapidly,

Also, there are much many chances to work.
Moreover, the city is the best place where located many of fabulous (..................) -----> you need to add a 'noun' after adjective

I think many of the disadvantages are ...
This is totally ------> totally of what? ( need a noun or an adjective after adverb)

That sounds great when we live in a place ...

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