Writing Feedback / Benefits and drawbacks of modern technology. Writing Body Paragraph IELTS Writing Task 2. [2]

Hi Selvi.
These are my corrections for your writing

... since the introduction of THE Internet which supportS sophisticated devices ...
... that, a great LARGE number of people are (...), learning how to use THE new cutting-edge gadget, AND using social networks...
As consequences, THE technology has replaced our old way of interacting (You do not need this sentence because you explained make explain again). If a user USERS OF THE ADVANCE TECHNOLOGY can easily interact with 100 ...

... mobile phones, meaning that SO people can communicate whenEVER and whereVER they like, not just in ...

Although THE sophisticated technology has improve ENHANCED people's live and give a great number PLENTY of easiness ,there is no doubt (REPETITIVE) that THE modern technology will ...

Social isolation is one of main problemS since people are (...) new modern technologies, AND using social networks and SO THAT they neglect their real life. Another reason, IS THAT THE cutting-edge technology will increase the number of unemployment AS SOME ROLES IN A WORKPLACE CAN BE TAKEN OVER BY THE SHOPISTICATED TECHNOLGY SUCH AS A ROBOT.

... because it helps them increasing ENTREPRENEURS TO BOOST their profit and serve customers in time MORE EFFICIENT, but it is bad AWFUL news to employees (...) replaced by a THE robot.

OVERALL, IT IS A GOOD JOB

Writing Feedback / Task 2 : The Way To Have Healthy Lifestyle essay [3]

Hi Miss Sofy.
I have read your writing closely. Actually, I need the question of yours in order to give me the track of matters in the writing. Fortunately, I found that statement.

Some people say that in the modern world it is very difficult for people to have a healthy lifestyle. Others, however, say it is easy for people to be healthy and fit if they want to be.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Based on the statement, there is a doubt that you have explained out of the topic.


The instruction asks you to discuss two opinions about whether having the healthy lifestyle is difficult orf not. However, you review about the way to have the healthy life, especially the food.

Actually, you have shown a positive progress rapidly grammatically. Besides that, you have explained clearly and interestingly. Nevertheless, your score still falls down as you have explicated another topic. You cannot get the score more 5.5 because this is so different of the prompts of task response. Please, you call your attention to the task response. You are supposed to need the time to analysis the statement so that you can find the major and minor keyword. All are going to help you being the right track as those are guides to construct the sentence by sentence. Hopefully, you can focus on the substance of the question the next time.

Keep spirit.
Goog Luck

Undergraduate / 'Movies like Iron man and Avengers have inspired me' - why mechanical engineering as my major? [2]

Hi Jaamin Patel.
Welcome to Essay Forum. Fortunately, you have been the right medium to finalize your writing. Please, let me help you. These are my corrections.

It THOSE all HAD BEEN started since I was a child, . the only thing that interested ATTRACTED me more than my cricket kit was READING science books and magazines.

... technological advancements AND some of the greatest minds WHICH have BEEN made in the ...
I didn't DID NOT(Please, avoid using contractions in the formal writing) quite understand the actual depth of mechanical engineering DEEPLY until later in the high school, but I was clear about OBVIOUSLY HAVE FOUND my path and what ...

I rememberED the days when (...) and ask my dad to explain ABOUT AN EXPLANATION OF the inner workings ...
... tech-crunch and Engadget websites for hours AFTER I READ reading articles about WHICH RELATED TO latest tech (...) of mechanical engineering FOR HOURS. The most interesting thing i I find FOUND about my major is that it ...

... has vast applications in THE today's world.

... me about the possibilities future WHICH holds in terms ...
Everyday something new THE NOVEL THING is released in the market EVERY DAY, which keeps motivating me MY MOTIVATION to continue on my journey ...
... and programming it createS even the most basic robot AND gives me a ...
It also spurs me to find an alternative methods of ...

This will not only help me expand my understanding KNOWLEDGE about engineering, but (...) solve problems relating to THE science.

Note. Actually, when you wanna write the writing systematically, you do not move to another topic before make you sure that it is explained clearly. On the other hand, you need to harness linking words (Such as Following that, after that, However, and go on) to make yours smoother while readers read from a sentence to another sentence.

Keep spirit.
Good Luck

Writing Feedback / Summary: The law of 33% (Tai Lopez) [3]

Hi Bung Ilham.
Let me help you to finalize your summary. Please, make you sure to meet my notes.

Each person will have a good life nevertheless (IT IS USED AS THE LINKING WORD) ALTHOUGH some will not get it.
IN A FACT, Having a mentor (...) our life because a THE mentor can help people ...
... an investor, and a trainer, said there are several ways to get THE good life.

You should divide your time inTO three categories COMMUNITIES of people: people are lower ...
AFTER THAT, The third is you must toughen up and the last is . LASTLY, you must read more books ...
Note: You are supposed to distinguish between the Conjunction and Linking word.
I am looking forward to meeting your summary
Good Luck.

Writing Feedback / Ontario staffing job for teaching English suddenly fell down (2005-2007 timeframe) to just under 30% [3]

Hi Eka Lamar.
These are my corrections. Please, review them and consider to write the writing.

... and French in Ontario over a six year SIX-YEAR period, from 2001 to 2007. According to the data,OVERALL, IT IS IMPORTANT TO NOTE THAT the employment for English-language ...

On the other hand, WHILE a trend for French-language teachers witnessed ...
Overall, it can be seen that recruitment for those who teach English became ...MOREOVER, THERE HAD BEEN A WIDE GAP BETWEEN THE FIGURES IN SOME LAST YEARS.

Data of French teachers, however ON THE OTHER SIDE, went up and down ...
... there was a stable trend not only for the number of English educatorsTHE FORMER but also for French languageTHE LATTEReducators in around 40 per cent and 70 per cent.(The Former for a thing mentioned first, and The Latter for the thing mentioned second. It is a way to avoid repetition)

... as the French teachers decreased of to about APPROXIMATELY 3 per cent in 2006, but it peaked at in the end of the period.(Make you sure that you write more than 2 sentence in the paragraph.)

Writing Feedback / GLOBAL OUTSOURCING and low labor cost - SUMMARY TASK 6 [2]

Hi.
Please, you review my suggestions previously. In this summary, you made the same mistakes grammatically, especially use of conjunctions.

The AN outsourcing company nowadays is a prevalent issue between AMONGST the big companies who WHICH (Pay Attenttion to this. You make the same error) need some employees to ...

One of some reasons are is (Be careful of Using verb Agreement) because the low labor cost, . it is a boon for ...
The ability of languages are IS the most determining factor in where work is sent THE WORKER IS LOCATED.
... India becomes the country whoaccepts HAVING a huge LARGE number of outsourcing jobS and also have a headquarter, where its status IS as a former British colony. The DEVELOPMENT OF Indian'S economy development pertains to the difficulty of ...

... leads the company to move their office THE COUNTRY to THE other country like China, (...) person who approves THE low salary.

I believe you have a great competence. You will show the better progress on condition that you wanna practice more and more.

Writing Feedback / Crimes in Newport city between 2003 and 2012. The burglary had the highest number among incidents. [5]

Hi Mehreza.
Please, keep in your mind that when you upload your writing here, please you attach the picture to get accurate feedback.
Let me help you to finalize this grammatically.

A comparison of THE number AMOUNT of crime in Newport city (...) between 2003 and 2012 BASED ON THREE SEPARATED AREAS. OVERALL, It is noticeable that burglary ...
MOREOVER, WHILE THE number of robberies (theft from the person) is A stable TREND, burglary and car theft are HAD plummeted.

A THE number of BOTH burglary and car theft ...
THE FIGURE OF Burglary was EXPERIENCED A DRAMATIC FALL fallen down for four years subsequently from 2005 to 2008. MEANWHILE, and THE LEVEL OF car theft was declineD for a year since FROM 2005 and stable onwards TO THE LAST PERIOD. THE RATE OF Burglary becomes steadily between 2009 and 2012. In 2009 and 2011, burglary THE FORMER has HAD a THE same number POSITION while car theft THE LATTER has HAD THE same number PROPORTION in 2007 and 2009. The peak of car theft THE LATTER was in 2004.

Robbery is SUCCESSFULLY COMMANDED the lowest number PERCENTAGE of crime. THE Highest number of robbery was ...
The number of robbery felony was decreaseD since FROM 2006 until TO 2008.

Note: Please, you review about the language of change. there were looks that you are so confused to determine "NOUN or "VERB".



I believe you will be the competence for this on condition that you wanna provide time to practice more and more.

Writing Feedback / The percentage of first-year teachers with regular teaching jobs by year of graduation in Ontario [4]

Miss Dhyla, please you avoid repetition in your writing. Besides that, it is essential that make you sure what you mind is what you write. You are supposed to review more times before you upload that.

Keep spirit.
GOOD LUCK.
^_^

Writing Feedback / BOARDING SCHOOL FOR CHILDREN - good option for the contemporary parents who doesn't have enough time [5]

Hello Seok..
Welcome to Essay Forum. I am delighted to tell you that you have been the right medium to improve your writing skill. Let me help you to finalize this.


Keep in your mind that you should write more than 2 sentences in each paragraph. you can separate those above.
HOWEVER, THERE ARE OPPOSED VIEWS TO POINT OUT THE INEVITABLE PROBLEMS. THIS ESSAY WILL DISCUSS BOTH VIEWS, INCLUDING MY VANTAGE VIEW.


Please, pay attention to the meaning of your sentences. Make you sure what you write is what you mind. You write words appropriately.
IT WILL INEVITABLY LOOSEN THE EMOTIONAL BOND....


You have shown that you can explore your ideas. However, your score can be reduced because you explain your opinions like listing the data. You should include the strong supporting sentence and the example.


to complete your conclusion paragraph, you should add the suggestions for some elements like the government.

OVERALL, IT IS A GOOD JOB.
Good LUCK...

Writing Feedback / A wind turbine consist of tower, generator, wind sensor, and blades controlled by a computer. [5]

Hi Ashela.
I am pleased to read your writing because you have held the positive progress. Actually, you can diminish your mistake if you need much time to review before you upload. There are a great number of micro mistakes which can be tackled.

However, you will master for this skill.

A wind turbine consistS of A tower, A generator, A wind sensor, and ...
... in a free landscape area with A windy condition. It can be below THOSE AREAS CAN BE SEPARATED INTO THREE LOCATIONS; THE sea level, on the highland and in THE domestic area.

The tower functionateS as the cantilever ...
It is made ASSEMBLED of steel and constructed high. At the upper point of THE tower, there is a generator which can produce GENERATED 1,5 megawatts of THE electricity.

... control speed and direction of THE turbine, which connected to a computer in a small building BEING not far from it. At the opposite of THE wind sensor, there is ARE blades which made CONSISTED of fiberglass or wood ...

... is in the landscape area which is free from any tall ...
... but it only produceS the lower output about 100 kilowatts.

Writing Feedback / Summary Article How to Eat More Vegetables And Less Meat in Three Weeks [6]

Hi farida.
Please, you meet my correction and hold them so that you do not make the same mistakes.

THIS SUMMARY IS EXTRACTED FROM AN ARTICLE PUBLISHED ON TIME.COM ABOUT A COMPARISON BETWEEN MEAT AND VEGETABLES(You should include the introduction of your article) .Reducing intake of animal meat can reduce DIMINISH cholesterol and blood pressure, also AND it will ALSO help to lower the risk to have OF degenerative diseaseS like THE heart disease, diabetes ...

THE VegetableS will also help to reduce ...
It contains of many nutrients (...) can not get from THE meat.
... easy to change THE meat to THE vegetableS. Jacqueline Andriakos has HAD some suggestions how to increase INTENSIFY intake of THE vegetableS and reduce animal protein in FOR 3 weeks. In the first week, try to substitute meat to mushrooms, and make the meat only a half portion from the usual portion(Please, you rewrite this. You forget the basic grammar. Where are the main verb and subject?).

..., and try to make A vegetarian recipe each week.

Overall, It's a good summary
keep spirit
Good Luck for your next progress

Writing Feedback / TED Talks : How to Make Stress Your Friend [2]

These are my corrections for you. Please, you provide your time to review those so that you fall the same mistakes.
GOOD LUCK

Kelly is a psychologist who helpS other people TO release their stress.
... people by saying that THE stress is an enemy you should...

The research conductED by Harvard University (...) they believed THE stress is harmful for HARMS their body WHICH ITS PERCENTAGE increased INCREASES BY 43 percent. In America, 182,000 death is caused HAPPENEDby BECAUSE people who assumed that stress is THE bad for their health. The reason of FOR dying is "the stress believers" ...

... if people change their mind about THE stress, they can make ...
When the the mind is stressed, the heart ...
THE Stress also has positively ...
When a person IS stressFUL, she/he will produce oxitocyn, (...) hormone when somebody hugS each other. Oxytocin has THE functionS such as addING A physical contact with family, raise RAISING empathy and more ...

Oxytocin is not only THE act of your brain ...
Carsiovascular A CARDIOVASCULAR system, A main part of THE body, will help (...) somebody starts to BE stressFUL.
... the place where has A receptor to release oxytocin. In addition, when somebody has THE social contact because the needed of other support , they will release (...) recover faster from THE stress.

Choosing of the task responses (...) will create A biological approach, and choosing connected THE CONTACT with people who under THE stress can create resilience, so THE stress gives access to the heart( joy, meaning, and connecting with other) as a positive energy.

... getting better at THE stress, but how to make A profound statement ...

Writing Feedback / Maintaining repeated customers is a prevalent aim within a business. My summary about Brand Loyalty [2]

Hi Aris.
In this moment, let me help you to finalize your writing grammatically. Make you sure to meet my notes and deal with them. provide your time to review so that you make the same mistakes.

Mantaining MAINTAINING repeatED customerS is a prevalent aim within a business. Most of the enterpreneurs ENTREPRENEURS prefer to keep (...) rather than to draw a THE new customer.

... loyalty while tertiary need has A strong role to create a THE true brand loyalty. THE Customers pertain to their product (...) for instance buying a clothes worn by an artist. THE Loyal customers are (...) they have THE strong trust for a THE product. THE Brand loyalty occurs when people ...

In A period of downturn economic, THE customer is (...) prefer to buy a THE cheaper product. However, the condition doesn't DOES NOT(Please, keep in your mind that you have to avoid using contractions in the formal writing) exist in the other ...

The Brand loyality LOYALTY is not populer POPULAR in a THE country having fewer choices ...

Note: One of the major grammars is misspelling. You have fallen into some times. Please, you pay attention to that. Actually, you can diminish your mistake if you wanna need much time to check before uploading. The other side of a coin is the abuse of using articles (A/An/The). Lastly, make sure what you write is what you mind.

I really believe you will master this if you wanna practice more and more.
Keep Spirit
GOOD LUCK :D

Writing Feedback / Beneficial relaxation. Learning vacation is a new kind of holiday [5]

Aris. I saw you frequently uploaded your writing but did not write the link of your article. It will help the readers to review your way to paraphrase sentences. On the one side, please, you review my corrections below.

Learning A vacation has a new concept ...
... type of the travel such as joinING a prehistorical obeservation OBSERVATION AND studyING a biodiversity in the rain forest. Although at firstthe learning THE vacation IN THE FIRST TIME was popular (...) who were still in A school. NowAdays, it has been more prevalent for AN adult. Financing FINANCE of arts schoolS has become a good preference to spend the learning THE vacation.

... acquire the guidance of A specialist. Britain also acceptS the adult travelers to join A few days (You should distinguish when using A few and Few) course throughout the country.

... more economical than THE tradisional TRADITIONAL vacation because (...) without involving THE travel agent. There are many posibilities POSSIBILITIES of learning THE vacation, so you can choose appropiateLY with your wish.

Please, review my suggestions previously. I hope you have not fallen the same condition.
I am looking forward to reading your next writing.
GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / People who decide to have kids should better cogitate on how they can meet their children's needs [3]

Hi Bung Ilham.
Here are my suggestions to improve your score in the writing section. In this moment, I have a tendency to focus on your contents in this writing.


This tends to be used in the informal writing. You are supposed to deny that.

Actually, you have passed the task achievement well. It is proved with your essay free of the prompt wanted of the question. What you mentioned in the introduction has been explained in the body paragraph.


you explain:


However, there is an odd thing. You should explain clearly why the child gets the good education. "IT IS BECAUSE THERE IS A CONDITION WHERE THE PARENTS LOCATE INCOME FULLY FOR A FEW OF CHILDREN SO THAT THEY CAN SELECT THE BEST INSTITUTION".

Turning to the second of the benefit and drawback sides in the body paragraph. You did not discuss deeply. That should contain the example as well. It will seem unbalanced. It is better if you decide to make one idea paragraph rather than multiple ideas vaguely.


Apart from that, you have shown the huge progress. I suggest you provide much to read the example. As many as you read the example of writing task 2, you will improve your flow in the essay.

OVERALL, IT A GOOD JOB
GOOD LUCK FOR NEXT TERM

Writing Feedback / SUMMARY TASK 8 - WHY ARE WOMEN LEAVING SCIENCE CAREERS ? [6]

Please, you review my corrections below.
GOOD LUCK :D

... men who have registered to the A college of science and technology since THE 1990s. But HOWEVER (But is not a linker, here is it to make you smoother when move from a topic to another topic) , most of them chose ...

... models are the reasons why women giving GIVE up on their careers behind...
As scientists, THE time is one of some important matterS that required by A company.
... as women, taking care to OF the family, growing the children and educate EDUCATING them is also the ...
... women are not suggested to having HAVE (to + infinitive) babies anymore. That is one of some reasons (You should avoid repetition. It will seem that you lack of vocabularies) THERE IS THE STRONG REASON why women should leave ...

Besides APART FROM THAT, limited role models and ...

Writing Feedback / Internet is used for updating information, communicate with others and easily to fulfill daily needs [2]

Hi Hairul.
Welcome to Essay Forum.
Let me help you to finalize this essay. I wanna give you corrections based on the grammatical and contents of your idea.

Human A LARGE NUMBER OF businesses were handled ...
... THE Internet is useD for updating information...

In this digital era, THE internet becomes one ...
CitizenS who busy with their activity does not have much time to FOR watching TV, reading A newspaper or listening to A radio to keep them updateDwith the latest (...) happened DUE TO EASE OF USING THE INTERNET TO can access information by using internet .

... surf some certain webS according to their needs.

A Telephone is still useD to keep in touch ...
Moreover, THE mobile phone IS designed with (...) possible to use HARNESS THE internet including ...

E-store is A short of THE electronic store. This application was HAS BEEN booming recently since ...
THE Online store makeS buyers and (...) without needS to meet or go to the store. Therefore, nowADAYS trading activities can be done while ALTHOUGH THE BUYERS AND CUSTOMERS staying at home for 24 hours.

... service providers are exist IS EXISTED, which makeS people easier to trade.

... activities become easier SIMPLIER by using THE internet which bringS convenience to people's lives.

Those above are my ...
... not fall the same condition.


You are supposed to strengthen your opinion. It should bring the clear example or scientific fact to support your opinion. The task achievement does not only have to enter your opinion, you should explore and extend this so that it does not seem as the layman's opinion. Actually, it also happened in the other body paragraphs. Apart from that matter, you fail to offer the good conclusion. Make you sure that conclusion is created by paraphrasing your thesis statement. There does not look your tendency, whether agree or disagree. It only describes the question at the first glance.

As many as you read the essay examples, I believe you will get the point of essential elements when you write the essay.
Practice more and more.
GOOD LUCK
:D

Writing Feedback / The benefit of becoming a business man or women are greater than being an employee [3]

Hi Farida.
There were some grammatical errors in your essay. However, in this moment, let me tell you my thoughts about contents of your ideas. Let check these.


Honestly, you did not explain your idea systematically. As we can see in the first body paragraph, you ought to review your reason why it brings drawbacks. In my mind, you wanna elucidate that FACING A VARIED OF PROBLEMS IS THE HUGE DRAWBACK. However, it is explained indirectly. That makes your explanation odd. It is better if you give the example about the problem which you mean to strengthen your idea.


You did not attend your supporting sentences to power your mind. It needs the explanation why you said that their income fluctuates.


Actually, that above is a concession or not? If you wanna show that the advantages outweigh the drawbacks, you failed because your concession did not relate to your idea and support that. On condition that is the additional idea, it is out of the topic. Be careful of the edge of the topic. There are micro-keywords which you keep in your mind.


Please, you should give the recommendation to make readers sure you have knowledge deeply about the topic.
FOR EXAMPLE
IT IS IMPERATIVE THAT GOVERNMENT IS ABLE TO ENCOURAGE CITIZENS TO BEGIN BUILDING THE BUSSINESS AND PROVIDE A TRAINING FOR THE START-UP ENTREPRENEURS.

I hope those can give consideration to construct the essay well in the next term.

Writing Feedback / It Is Better to be An Entrepreneur than a worker of company. [3]

Here are my vantage points about your essay. Chech them.
^_^


ONE OF HUMAN NECESSITIES. Please, you call attention to the meaning of your sentence. The major error occurred in the first sentence. It can represent your essay.


HOWEVER, WHEN THOSE CONSIDER TO BE AN ENTREPRENEUR, THEY HAVE TO FACE BENEFITS AND DRAWBACKS OF STARTING A BUSSINESS.
You are supposed to the statement. Please, you are not out the track.


The first and second sentence are related. It is because you explained by jumping. There has to be smoother. Actually, you did not need writing the first sentence. It will only make this messy.


It is still messy. I have not found a sense in your writing. Your flow is not good.
THE OWNERS MUST BE BRAVE TO EXECUTE THE IDEA AND TO CARRY OUT THE BUSINESS WITH THE CONSEQUENCE THAT THEY HAVE TO BE READY WITH ALL....

Miss Hikma, Almost all paragraph were unstructured. The main reason is that you explain your mind systematically. Your coherence is so far from what is wanted by band descriptor.

I am really sure you can pass this section well on condition that you wanna provide much time to read the examples. You need to understand the good flow and sense of the essay. As many as you read, you will understand deeper about the essential elements. There are a great number of websites which offers ease to learn the examples.

Don't think much. Action.. Action.. Practice more and more.
GOOD LUCK :D

Writing Feedback / Most people tend to be self-employed rather than becoming an employee [2]

Hi Miss Halim.
In this moment, I am going to share my thoughts about contents of your essay.



There was unbalanced because you only explain the first opinion deeply and clearly. However, other opinions are only listed, not supporting sentences to strengthen your mind. It is better you focus on one idea, but that is reviewed well instead of creating the multiple ideas vague.


You should harness a linking word appropriately.
HOWEVER, THE OWNER CANNOT AVOID A REALITY THAT THERE ARE DETRIMENTAL EFFECTS HAVING TO BE FACED.

Please, you pay attention to the structure of the good essay. I have not found the sense in the second body paragraph. You only listed your opinion, but those were not explained. It seemed as Layman's opinions.


You failed to paraphrase your thesis statement in the conclusion paragraph. It is so different because you compared between Being the entrepreneur and staff. I guess that did not relate to the prompt given.

Miss, I suggest you read more the examples of writing task 2 so that you can see how to explain well.
I believe you will master this skill if you have much time to practice more and more. Trust me.
I hope these can help you.
Good Luck

Writing Feedback / Students at universities often have a choice of places to live. apartment or university dormitories? [4]

Hi Bung Jawa.
Welcome to Essay Forum.
I am delighted to tell that you have been the right medium to improve your writing skill. Let me help you to finalize this. Meet my notes and deal with them.

For some people, IT IS CONSIDERED BY SOME THAT THE STUDENTS they prefer living university dormitories which offer OFFERING more opportunities to make friendsHIP WITH OTHERS. For some others HOWEVER, they ANOTHER OPINION argue STATES that apartments (...) have an ideal location, which is BEING mostly found in commercial activities. However IN MY POINT OF VIEW, I would support that university dormitories are THE DORMITORY OF UNIVERSITY IS more comforting , convenient, and peaceful ...

Living in THE apartment seems to beluxury LUXURIOUS because it has (...) owned by some richest people so that they ...
For instance, some students from A well-prosperous family tend t...
... is paramount for them to live in THE apartment.

On the other hand, there seemS to obtain more advantages to WHEN THE STUDENTS live in THE university dormitories.
For example, students can discuss about some lessons when ...
Nex FOLLOWING THAT, this THIS SITUATION helps the majority of students to learn A culture and language especially for THE international students. As we knew KNOW that language is A habit so that it enables ASKS them to practice more ...

Not only this IN ADDITION, living in THE university dormitories is ...
Please, you harness proper linking words.You tended to put adverbs as the linkers.

In the light of these facts, THE AFOREMENTIONED EVIDENCE REVIEWS THAT even though ALTHOUGH living in THE apartments is more (...) for some people, but I strongly believe that living in THE university dormitories is ...

I believe you will master this. You only need practice more and more.
GOOD LUCK :D

Writing Feedback / CAMBRIDGE IELTS 9 TASK 1 / page 53: THE TOTAL NUMBER OF MINUTES OF TELEPHONE CALLS IN UK [4]

Hi Yamtrang.
Welcome to Essay Forum.
Enjoy your process this medium. Fortunately, you will improve your writing here if you wanna review thoughts of others.
Let me help you to finalize yours.

spent in the UK, AND splitted into 3 classifications, from 1995 to 2000, AN 8-year period is revealed.
In general, OVERALL, IT IS IMPORTANT TO NOTE THAT CITIZENS OF THE UK HAD TENDED TO MAKE CALL IN LOCAL SCALE. IN ANY CASE, the total number of minutes (...) increased over the period PERIOD, whereas WHILE the total number ...

You are supposed to keep mind that each sentence should consists of more than 2 sentences. I hope you do not commit like that.

Based on my look closely at your body paragraph, you forgot an essential element when you describe the bar chart. There were comparisons amongst figures. It has to be attended in this writing on condition that you wanna reach the score more than 5. On the other side, as often as you review your writing, you will diminish your errors. I have found some words misspelling. Please, pay attention to my notes.

I strongly believe you will master this section if you wanna practice again and again
keep spirit
GOOD LUCK.
:D

Writing Feedback / The new trend about having a small family are currently increasing, in contrast to a large one [3]

Hi Aida.
Let me help you with sharing my insight about this. Actually, there were a large number pf grammatical errors. However, in this moment, I only wanna focus on your content in this essay. Please, make you sure that you get my points and review those.


I suggest you remove that above. It does not relate to the question. The first step which you have to do is underlining keywords of prompts. You should be aware of being not out the topic.

Besides that, you see this


There was an odd thing. It is because you make your statement unbalanced. The question asks you to explain detrimental and positive effects of having the big family. However, you only mentioned one side.


You make your paragraph more screwed when you added that. I really you wanna explore your idea, but you have edges of the topic. Fortunately, it cannot support your idea topic.



You are supposed to avoid this style to explain your opinions. It seemed like listing. The good essay includes the ideas suppoted by reasonable statement. If you commit that, the readers will reckon it is a layman's opinion.


I am afraid you will the low score if you do not pay attention to task achievement. That wants you to review the drawbacks of the small family. As we can see, you tended to focus on the big family.

I really appriciate your endevours. For the beginner, it is not bad. I strongly believe that you will show a better progress on condition that you wanna provide much time to review the example of writing task 2 and practice more and more.

Keep spirit
GOOD LUCK
:D

Writing Feedback / How does people use water in Gulf Countries? Here is the answer [5]

Hi Mr. Yusuf.
Let me help you a few suggestions to boost your score.
Good Luck.

It is noticeable that, with the exception of Kuwait, all countries consume ...
OVERALL, IT CAN BE SEEN THAT OMAN AND SAUDI ARABIA HARNESSED THE WATER AT ALMOoST AS MUCH AS ALMOST THE SAME PROPORTION FOR THREE SECTORS. IN ANY CASE, WHILE THE DOMESTIC WAS PRIORITIZED BY BAHRAIN AND KUWAIT FOR SUPPLYING THE WATER, OTHER COUNTRIES TENDED TO USE THE WATER TO SUPPORT THE AGRICULTURE.

Yusuf, keep in your mind you are supposed to have more than 3 sentences in each paragraph. Besides that, if you wanna reach the high score, you have to be brave to compare the figures clearly. One of task achievements is how you make comparisons amongst the relevant figures

Writing Feedback / 2000 The water in Bahrain, Kuwait, Qatar, Oman, Saudi Arabia and UAE were mostly used in agriculture [3]

Hi Maulida.
These below are my thoughts for your writing

Overall, it can be seen that the water use in Bahrain...
OVERALL, IT IS ESSENTIAL TO NOTE THAT OMAN AND SAUDI ARABIA CONSUMED THE WATER AT ALMOST AS MUCH AS ALMOST THE SAME PERCENTAGE FOR THREE DISTINCT SECTORS. IN ANY CASE, WHILE THE DOMESTIC WAS PRIORITIZED BY BAHRAIN AND KUWAIT FOR SUPPLYING THE WATER, OTHER COUNTRIES WERE LIKELY TO USE THE WATER TO SUPPORT THE AGRICULTURE.

Those above are the alternative sentences to describe overview. Miss, make sure you can write more than 3 sentences in each paragraph. On the other side of a coin, you have to make comparisons amongst figures on condition that you wanna get the high score. It is an essential factor in the writing task 1.

In the year of 2000, Saudi Arabia and Oman [...] very least amount of water use in agriculture.
These can be seen that you describe the data safely. You made description like listing the information. Please, you consider illustrating the data through the comparisons.

One of the most important consideration is to write the writing task 1 approximately 170 words. Be careful because you write near the edge of the minimum number (152 words).

I believe you will master for this if you wanna provide much time for practice more and more.
Keep Spirit
Good Luck.

Writing Feedback / Water Use in Gulf Countries 2000 - Task 1 IELTS Writing [3]

Hi Sony.
These are my thoughts to boost your score in this section.

Overall, it is evident that, with the exception of Bahrain ...
OVERALL, IT IS IMPORTANT TO NOTE THAT OMAN AND SAUDI ARABIA CONSUMED THE WATER AS MUCH AS VIRTUALLY THE SAME LEVEL FOR THREE DISTINCT CATEGORIES. IN ANY CASE, WHILE THE DOMESTIC SECTOR WAS CONSIDERED AS THE FIRST BY BAHRAIN AND KUWAIT PLACE FOR SUPPLYING THE WATER, OTHER COUNTRIES TENDED TO HARNESS THE WATER TO ENCOURAGE ACTIVITIES OF THE AGRICULTURE.

I offer the alternative sentences for the overview. You should create 2 sentences in this part so that your introduction consists of three sentences. It is essential that you compare the figures.

Qatar consumed water nearly 60% for THE agriculture, (...) only a half of it AS MUCH. UAE also used up most of THE water for THE agriculture and its ...

... Arabia shared similar patternS, they used water predominantly ...
... Gulf used less of water for THE industry.

... that used most of THE water for THE domestic. ... 55% of its water for THE domestic. This was followed by THE agriculture which ...
Approximately 20% of SUPPLYING water in Kuwait ...
... water usage for THE domestic was three times ...

Cool dude, pay attention to use of the article (A/An/The).
I believe you will show better progress if you wanna practice again and again. Following that, you review the examples of task 1 so that you can learn the sense of task 1.

Keep spirit.
GOOD LUCK
:D

Writing Feedback / Every company usually has some criteria to employ their workers. One of it to dress "smartly". [5]

Hi Ashela.,
Woow.. I am delighted to reading your essay because you have shown the positive progress quickly and rapidly. As we can see, you could explain the introduction well and clear with using your own words. You seemed free to explore your mind without giving the meaning of the statement. However, there are micro-keywords having to be delivered.


I am surprised since you explained the meaning of Dressing smartly. It is not needed as the task achievement asks you to discuss why workers need dressing smartly. Be careful of the edge of prompts.

Turning to the second body paragraph


It has been out of the topic. Pay attention to the prompts given. You can explore your ideas, but it has to be the right track. The examiner wanna know your mind to analyze the matter.

Keep Spirit
GOOD LUCK.

Writing Feedback / Foreign visitors face a cultural acculturation [2]

Hi Eka..
Cool.. I really like your writing because you have shown positive progress quickly and significantly. Based on task response, you have addressed all parts of the task achievement although you did not review totally. I am proud of your efforts. You illustrate your idea clearly and tackle the prompt well. Actually, you have only given the simple example to support your idea, but it is able to give understanding to readers. On the other side, there was coherence and cohesion paragraph described systematically. You presented information with some organisations. You make some repetitive words, but it can be improved in the next writing. In fact, you will get the higher score on condition that you write the words appropriately. Please, you pay attention to the use of the proper words. For example:


THEY SHOULD LEAD TO A CULTURAL ACCULTURATION.


THEY HAVE BROADENED UNDERSTANDING

Overall, your essay is good.
Keep spirit..
^_^

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 Reasons Why Land Degradation Happen And 3 Regions Which Are Affected [4]

FOLLOWING THAT, THERE IS The table WHICH displays the percentage of ...
Overall, the biggest reason why THE agricultural land was less productive IN THE ENTIRE WORLD is over-grazing and ...
Honestly, I really appreciate your endeavour because you have given the better progress more and more days. You have got the point of writing task 1. You could have present and highlight key features which looked the pictures. The information could be selected appropriately and described well in your overview. Apart from that, you have needed to enhance the sense of your writing. Focus on to make this smoother. You harness linking words to make this stay the good coherence track.


agricultural degradation. FOLLOWING THAT, THERE IS The table WHICH displays

... reason why land degradation happen, at REPRESENTING AT 35 percent AND outnumbering THE deforestation by 5 percent ONE-SIXTH. Over-cultivation IS only 2 per cent lower than THE deforestation. MEANWhile, THE other had the least ...

Farida, you try to vary the data between the percentage and fraction so that it can show your ability in the lexical resource.

Europe became the most affected regions (REPETITIVE) THE MOST DEGRADED AREA of land degradation OF SOME CLUSTERS at 23 per cent outnumbering ...

OVERALL, IT IS A GOOD JOB
GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / Writing IELTS task 1 : the factors of global land degradation and its influence in three region [3]

Hi Ashela.
Please, you review my notes to enhance your score.
GOOD LUCK

... land reduction in the world which are (It 's better if you omit that) presented in the pie ...
... percentage of land degradation which was caused by the ...


Hi Ashela, I actually am surprised and confused when I saw your overview. I don't know why you located there. Besides that, you make that seemed detailed. Keep in your mind that you are supposed to avoid the detailed information in the overview (Like "35 percent"). Based on band descriptor, you have a probability to fall into the score band 5 because you recounted detail mechanically with no clear overview. You ought to explain detail in the body paragraph.

This is the example of overview below.
OVERALL, IT CAN BE OBVIOUSLY SEEN THAT THE PRIMARY REASON WHY HARVESTS OF THE AGRICULTURAL LAND LESSENED WAS OVER-GRAZING. MEANWHILE, TURNING TO PRODUCTIVITY OF THREE DIFFERENT AREAS, EUROPE SHOWED THE DEGRADATION MORE THAN OTHERS.

Writing Feedback / The proportion of accommodation types in the United Kingdom - data collected in 1985 and 2005 [2]

Hi Ilmy..
Honestly, I am pleased to read your writing since you have shown to be better.
Please, you review my notes below well.


THE UNITED KINGDOM COLLECTED IN TWO DIFFERENT YEARS; 1995 AND 2005.
you should omit "WHICH IS".
%


You are supposed to avoid mentioning the number in the overview. Turning to band descriptor, you could fall into the score band 5 because you recounted detail mechanically with no clear overview.

OVERALL, IT CAN BE OBVIOUSLY SEEN THAT A NUMBER OF RESIDENCES IN UK HAD INCREASED SIGNIFICANTLY.
Don't be rigid to explain the information. I suggest you bring the data to reality matter.

In 1985, there was a significant THE HIGHEST proportion in FOR the number of privately owned blocks, roughly 55 percentfrom REGARDING AT OVER A HALF OF 22 million homes.

Ilmy, you are supposed to compare the figures. I have not found the sense of the comparison in the body paragraph.
THE NUMBER OF HOUSES IN THE UNITED KINGDOM HAD GROWN MARKEDLY BY 5 MILLION. IN 1985, THE NUMBER OF CITIZEN HAVING PRIVATELY OWNED BLOCKS SUCCESSFULLY BROKE A RECORD AS THE HIGHEST PROPORTION, REGARDING AT OVER A HALF OF 22 MILLION HOMES. MEANWHILE, THE PERCENTAGE OF COUNCIL RENTED HOUSES ONLY STATED AT LESS THAN TWO-FIFTH OF THE TOTAL. FOLLOWING NEXT TWO DECADES, THE FORMER HAD WITNESSED THE VAST INCREASE TO ALMOST ONE-FOURTH OF 27 MILLION HOUSES. HOWEVER, THE REVERSE TREND COULD BE SEEN FOR THE LATTER, REGARDING A DRAMATIC DECLINE TO BELOW 15%

Hopefully, you can consider my suggestions.
GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / Performing Business Is Not About Money Oriented [2]

Hi Hikuma,,
Let me help you to enhance your writing to reach the higher score in the real test. In this moment, I will try to review contents of your essay.


There was a look that you tended to agree. However, you did not describe clearly why you stated that. I will give you an example.

HOWEVER, I PERSONALLY BELIEVE THAT BUILDING THE BUSINESS CAN BE FREE OF SOME CONSIDERATIONS SUCH AS ANALYZE OF CONSUMERS' NEEDS, QUALITY OF THE PRODUCT, AND A GREAT SERVICE FOR WORKERS

I create that thesis statement based on what you will explain in the second body paragraph.

Be careful of using multiple ideas. You can harness that, but you have to explain all balanced.


you need a stronger reason to support your idea such as providing the scientific fact.


That sentence can make your conclusion paragraph become vague. It is better you create an introduction of the conclusion paragraph generally.
IN CONCLUSION, SOME OF THE OWNERS FOCUS ON PROFIT WHEN THEY........

I hope these can help you.
Keep spirit.
GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / The wheelchair is needed, not only for disabled people, but also for the elderlies [2]

Hi Rosa.
Let me help you through my thoughts. Please, you consider these below.

... not only for disabled people, but also for the elderlies.
... older inhabitants happens HAS HAPPENED in developed countries, ...
The wheelchair gives a bigger occasion to FOR the sufferers to live their lives, to be SO THAT THEY ARE more independent...
... number of public buildings, which updates DEVELOP their facilities to be wheelchair accessible A place ABLE TO BE ACCESSED BY THE WHEELCHAIR. (DON'T USE FULL STOP, BUT COMA), Whereas the disabled ...

A new THE NOVEL designed wheelchair HAS BEEN completed with (...) lightweight and flexible is in progress.(You are supposed to harness the perfect tense if you describe something in the progress time. )

Note: Please, Make sure What you write is what you mind. Sometimes, I have found the complicated sentence understood because you did not write words appropriately.

I am delighted to reading your summary because you have shown the better progress.
Keep Spirit.
Happy Writing.

Writing Feedback / The increasing cost of living standards has pushed humans to work more. The purpose of a business. [2]

Hi Eka..
We meet again on this website. In this meeting, I only focus on contents of your writing because you can improve your grammar after you review my suggestions and the others previously. These below are my thoughts.


Turning to your thesis statement, you actually have stood out in a position clearly. However, you should mention important factors which you mean. You give underline of your opinion solely because you will explain deeply and clearly in the body paragraph.

I BELIEVE THAT THE OWNER SHOULD ALSO PAY ATTENTION TO SOME OF NECESSARY NECESSARY FACTORS SUCH AS KEEPING IN TOUCH WITH CONSUMERS AND .....


I don't know why you added that sentence. It actually can break the coherence of the paragraph. You should directly explain why the entrepreneurs focus on enhancing their income.


Be careful of the edge of the task response. That sentence really did not relate to the prompt of the sentence. Please, you aware about that.


Eka, you conclusion is less strong because you did not show your opinion clearly. I cannot sense your disagreement with the statemen. I suggest you make it clearer so that the conclusion can strengthen your opinion previously.

Keep Spirit
GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / Advanced technology has changed human life in several ways particularly in how we communicate. [2]

Hi Eka.
I admit that you have the persistence to practice. I believe you will master this skill immediately. However, let me help you again to finalize your essay.


you need a connecting conjunction "BECAUSE".


Here is the supporting sentence to strengthen your opinion. You can show the experince minimally because it has been not strong. I believe you can make it.

Electronic media was one of the biggest [...] live separately from their nuclear family.
BASED ON THE REALITY NOWADAYS, PEOPLE HAVE BEEN PRONE TO LIVE SEPARATELY FROM THEIR NUCLEAR FAMILY. FORTUNATELY, THE ELECTRONIC MEDIA ATTENDS AS ONE OF THE GREATEST INVENTIONS, WHICH CAN BECOME A VALUABLE SOLUTION TO DEAL WITH THE MATTER. ITS MAIN REASON IS BECAUSE THE COMMUNICATION MEDIA HAS ENABLED PEOPLE TO CONNECT TO OTHERS IN A LONG..........

I personally appreciate your effort because you have strive to pass the process. I strongly believe you are going to show suprise by suprise about your progress in the next term..

Keep spirit
Happy Writing.
--------------

Writing Feedback / Opinion that making money is the only one of a business' goal, so a businessman should focus on it [2]

Hi Ashela.
Let me help you again based on contents of your writing.

I have read this essay closely and found that you are supposed to focus on the prompts of the statement. In the introduction paragraph, you have successfully demostrated your ability to paraphrase the statemen given. It is the simple introduction, but you are able to cover all.

Turning to the body paragraph, you have sliped away from the task achievement.


You should explain why some think that building the business is related to getting the money. However, you reviewed about the effect of that matter. Please, you pay attention edges of the task achievement. You don't spend your energy to mention something far away from the topic. I think you can do if you wanna make brainstorming.


Ashela, honestly, I am confused. In the second body paragraph, It looks as if you compare between the company which concentrate to the money and the quality. You can demonstrate describing a topic well. However, you are free of the prompts. I personally believe you have the ability to explore and analyze the idea, but you did not find keyword of the statement in this moment. You are supposed to review why the owner does not focus solely on income. perhaps, you can offer the key factors to build the business, not comparing the companies.

Hopefully, these can help you.
I still believe you will master this skill. You need practice more and more and keep your spirit. Please, trust me, wait and see you progress. You are going to be surprised.

GOOD LUCK
:D

Writing Feedback / Listening carefully and dealing with people - crucial skills in interpersonal communication at work [2]

Hi Ashela.
Let me give you suggestions.


The statement states that it is unity, so you cannot say it consists of two tables.

Actually, I did not know where you located your overview. It looked that your overview included the body paragraph. I suggest you integrate paraphrasing the statement and the overview in the same paragraph.

Honestly, you have made the major mistake which can reduce your score. Based on a close look, I have not found detailed information about the table. I am personally surprised although the task response asks you to analyze the data, but you cannot avoid the percentage thought as the key information. Apart from that, you did not demonstrate comparisons between the skills, which can be found in the table. It can be also made based on the timeline. You are supposed to explain the key features in the body paragraph. As we can see band descriptor, if you wanna reach the score more than 5, you should present and adequately highlight key features or bullet point relevant with the data. Following that, you are far from the coherence and cohesion since you did not use referencing clearly and appropriately. On the one hand, if you still commit that, the examiners can think that you cannot display the information with integrating the percentages and another data. Please, you pay attention to these.

I strongly believe you can get up and struggle those matter. You should provide much time to review the examples of the writing task 1 and find its sense.

Keep Spirit, Miss.
GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / There are several components in a wind turbine. The first one is a tower ... IELTS Writing Task 5 [3]

Hi Maulida..
I am delighted to read your writing because you have shown positive progress. Let me help you to finalize this. However, I really hope you review those so that you do not fall the same mistakes.


You should separate this to become two sentences.
OVERALL, IT CAN BE SEEN THAT THE TURBINE CONSISTS OF FIVE MAIN COMPONENTS. MOREOVER, A LOCATION OF THE TURBINE DETERMINES POWER OF ELECTRICITY GENERATED.


You are supposed to omit WHICH IS.

Honestly, I was surprised when I read your writing. I think you have found the sense in this. You could cover requirements of the task. Besides that, you can place the proper words in your sentence. Actually, you have made some of minor errors. However, it can be forgiven because you are able to describe the information well. One of the clearest progress is harnessing the proper linking words. It is my main reason why I say that you can have organized the data better.

I believe you can master this skill on condition that you wanna practice again and again.
GOOD LUCK.

Writing Feedback / United States as the big contributor of carbon emission on earth. [2]

Hi Miss.
These below are my thoughts to finalize this summary

This made from ITS REASON IS BECAUSE OF The United State as A contributor of carbon emission on earth. This is BECOMES A part of big challenge ...

There are two reasons of it, because of WHY IT HAPPENS. THOSE ARE energy consume CONSUMPTION and economic growth.
... needs much energy to FOR their companies. The companies could produce of many kindS of production. That is good BETTER for its state and other stateS. But unfortunately, that is bad for THE environment because ...

So that SUBSEQUENTLY, U.S always needs consumption ...
AS We can see if , U.S stillfor surviving HAS SURVIVED with its production to ...

In conclusion, this is big THE HUGE problem that has not been HAD THE conclusion until now. Because that is very close about emissions are rising largely ...(I cannot get the point what you want write. It's better if you rearrange this.)

Writing Feedback / THE PRINCIPLE OF A WIND TURBINE IN GENERATING ELECTRICITY [2]

Hi Yusuf.
These are my thoughts for your writing


Actually, this is a good overview. However, it's better if you make this clearer that it is the overview sentence with locating the introductory sentence. "OVERALL, IT IS CAN BE SEEN THAT...... OVERALL, IT IS IMPORTANT TO NOTE THAT...

Apart from that, There is a different perspective. In my mind, a computer nearly the turbine is a part of it because this has a function to adjust the blades, so the turbine actually consists of five main elements. Be careful when you analyze the picture. You have to cover all of the key features in your explanation as it includes into task response. It should even be reviewed in the body paragraph to expalain detailed information.


It looked odd. You should omit which as well. "BLADE MADE.... "

You have not found explanation about the generator in the first body paragraph whereas you have stated that you would mention the generator as the element of the turbine based on the overview made.

overall, you have created the good writing.
GOOD LUCK