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Writing college admission, application, and scholarship essays (page 324)

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'Twister and Spinner' - Supplement Essay . note to a future roommate..

7 - Hey great essay! I am actually quite jealous! :) I though that comma interrupted with the flow...

Undergraduatejelidtj - Aug 23, 2010 / Kimathi - Aug 26, 2010
My CommonApp Essay about John Lennon

5 - 'attempted to dress me in' sounds better From adolescence to the present, awkward situations; John Lennon... ...

Undergraduateinthedemps - Aug 23, 2010 / CopperDays - Aug 25, 2010
Common App Essay for Ivies--Racism while Travelling in Hong Kong; somewhat risky

5 - Wow you're essay truly is powerful. I don't think it comes off racist at all, but rather I think...

UndergraduateCopperDays - Aug 23, 2010 / titanswim - Aug 25, 2010
MBA program with strengths in curriculum: my Statement of Purpose

2 - ... is one thing I liked to do since I was young. The idea of making myself more...

Undergraduatenajifa - Aug 23, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Aug 24, 2010
Miami International University of Art & Design; be part of the fashion industry

8 - Wow good luck!...

Undergraduatepcakes7 - Aug 23, 2010 / JS87 - Aug 27, 2010
How to improve essay on aditional information for Indian School of Business?

5 - Hi Kevin, Thanks for the corrections. I have used the same strategy as advised by you and have submitted...

Undergraduatecaprigaurav - Aug 23, 2010 / caprigaurav - Aug 30, 2010
Explanation on which department or program at MIT appeals to you and why

17 - you should post whatever interests you the most..!!...

Undergraduatefreezard7734 - Aug 22, 2010 / bbdy123123 - Sep 16, 2010
survival situations - Short Essay Commonapp

7 - Thank you very much Kevin... yes rojo or roja does mean red :) you help is very great...

Undergraduatedfrojas - Aug 22, 2010 / dfrojas - Aug 24, 2010
CommonAPP short answer - I won the medal in Super Quiz Relay

4 - Put this all together as one paragraph: My friends ask me why I am in Academic Decathlon. Why would...

UndergraduateKLin - Aug 22, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Aug 24, 2010
"the development of impoverished nations around the world" -Peace Corps Essay

2 - My interest in learning more about different cultures fueled my desire to move to an underdeveloped country post graduation...

Undergraduateapriloneal3 - Aug 22, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Aug 23, 2010
NYU Supplement - Bring any person to a special place

7 - Thank you for all your feedback! I feel like I want to see where I can go with the...

Undergraduategreengrl247 - Aug 22, 2010 / greengrl247 - Aug 24, 2010
Help with UVA supplement: "Our Road"

4 - Great analysis, Miller. This will be well-received. blind perseverance unsettled me to my core--- nice! I...

Undergraduatejharker - Aug 22, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Aug 23, 2010
Stanford Roommate Essay: My family's unique influence on me

11 - Well, I always think it is better if you have at least one sentence -- at the beginning or...

UndergraduateKimathi - Aug 22, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Aug 28, 2010
"I am a performing Carmen" - Common Application Short Answer Response

4 - The writing is intriguing, and it really would be a page turner if it had multiple pages. The imagery...

UndergraduateFlorenceVN - Aug 21, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Aug 23, 2010
Essay on an intellectual pursuit exemplified in a craft!

8 - I'll tone it down on the modifiers! Thank you, I'll fix those errors immediately. Also, I'll definitely look...

UndergraduateGabbyy37 - Aug 21, 2010 / Gabbyy37 - Aug 23, 2010
the THS marching and concert band - Elaborate on an Extracurricular Activity

6 - Looking back, I have used the discipline I learned in band to become a more focused and dedicated student."---...

Undergraduatesmarty350 - Aug 21, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Sep 6, 2010
"an Interact Club" - University of Florida Essay!

4 - Thank you and yea this isnt my completed essay yet. My completed one will be much longer...

Undergraduaterlm0216 - Aug 21, 2010 / rlm0216 - Aug 24, 2010
Listening to classical music: something I do for the pleasure of it (short answer)

12 - Oh! The guitar is very nice. I especially love the Gentleman's Concerto for Guitar by Rodrigo - it's a...

Undergraduatefreezard7734 - Aug 21, 2010 / freezard7734 - Aug 27, 2010
Nursing School essay: Why do I want to be a nurse?

5 - Hi. I think you can replace the "or" with an period. Take my advice, change...

Undergraduateplb - Aug 21, 2010 / zengrz - Aug 24, 2010
"The Balancing Act"

7 - Consider a room. Now in that room there is a room with a... I think the extra words...

Undergraduateda_silent1 - Aug 21, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Aug 23, 2010
Supplement Essay for Amherst College App " Difficulty need not forshadow ..."

6 - Yes, I like this a lot. It shows that you really did struggle and that you really do...

Undergraduatejelidtj - Aug 20, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Aug 24, 2010
Racism - Ut college essay: issue topic

4 - Many school districts are not diverse, and students are surrounded by classmates of their own race, which naturally makes...

UndergraduateSter1220 - Aug 20, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Aug 22, 2010
Air Force Academy Interest Admissions Essay

3 - Here, you can make remove words and make it a little better, because you already said "of my mind"...

Undergraduatewilliams11743 - Aug 20, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Aug 22, 2010
"the recollection of our time together" - stanford supplement roomate essay

10 - No worries. i haven't written in the letter format either. Just make sure you refer directly to your roommate...

Undergraduateishterz - Aug 20, 2010 / Kimathi - Aug 22, 2010
"Scientist In Action" -- UIUC Academic Essay

3 - ...he led us past Sector 19, a wing...--- for clarity Harvesting may be the wrong word. You...

Undergraduateih8artichokes - Aug 20, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Aug 21, 2010
"volleyball as a part of my life in college" - UIUC Extracurricular Essay

2 - Leipharm-- Very well written essay. Although you have an excellent groundwork and awesome material-- you have a passion...

UndergraduateLeipharm - Aug 19, 2010 / keeny77 - Aug 20, 2010
Significant expereince-- 6th grade math class

18 - Ha ha, well of course college aps are a place for this stuff... but if you want to...

UndergraduateYayz - Aug 19, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Sep 7, 2010
PEACE CORPS Essays; Why Volunteer and A Cultural Experience

3 - Thank you for your help! I'll give it a shot to apply all the advice and I will post...

Undergraduatemissmunoz - Aug 19, 2010 / missmunoz - Aug 24, 2010
committed to achieving success / my family: MY FIRST UCF COLLEGE ESSAY

5 - From the moment I walked onto the UCF campus I knew that was where I belonged. Everything from...

Undergraduatexosamiixo - Aug 19, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Aug 21, 2010
"the beauty of the universe" - my first college admission essay

3 - Is your username chosen in honor of a very strange movie about Thai boxing? Yep, frezard always gives...

Undergraduateongbakbak - Aug 19, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Aug 21, 2010
The Easy Road to Success and Ruin ( Topic B: Issue of Importance )

3 - Here at the end of the first para, I am still working to keep all the ideas in...

Undergraduatejtaylor50 - Aug 19, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Aug 21, 2010
Change in academics- a responsibility I'm willing to take and conquer.

5 - It's getting better. This sentence is a bit long and convoluted. Try to split it up. ...

UndergraduatePriyanka3 - Aug 19, 2010 / freezard7734 - Aug 24, 2010
"Marching band was a savior" - University of Florida Freshman Admission Essay

3 - bloodthirsty --- one word well-rehearsed ---- needs a hyphen five-minute --- needs a hyphen I think this...

Undergraduateakeila8 - Aug 19, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Aug 21, 2010
Biomechanical engineering, Uni of Texas Austin transfer/Statement of Purpose

4 - I have been really swamped with work and the application process in general, thank you so much for your...

Undergraduatejellyroll1987 - Aug 19, 2010 / jellyroll1987 - Sep 22, 2010
board member of our high school student government, experiences you have had

4 - I think this expression has been said to come from a few different people, including Socrates... but I...

Undergraduatevinsic - Aug 19, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Aug 21, 2010
My mom - Most influential person essay

4 - Throughout my life I have had many people that have influenced me, but the most influential person to me...

Undergraduatenak2011 - Aug 19, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Aug 20, 2010
Princeton Supplement, Short Answer: Past 2 Summers

11 - There is a character limit, and I am flirting dangerously close to it. =( In terms of essays...

UndergraduateKimathi - Aug 19, 2010 / Kimathi - Aug 25, 2010
Congressional Appointment Essay: The Most Serious Issue Facing our Military Today

3 - I don't know if it is correct to say 'exponentially.' Matt, this is very impressive! You should...

Undergraduate335thomas - Aug 18, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Aug 20, 2010
FSU CARE program essay (economic and financial challenges)...

4 - Whenever I think of my parents, I think of the word "opportunity" and, because of them, whenever I think...

Undergraduateshin521 - Aug 18, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Aug 20, 2010
I grew up around Duke U; Trinity College of Arts and Science/Duke a good match?

2 - Hi there! My biggest concern with your essay deals more with content--it sounds like what the AdCom 'wants...

Undergraduatemysskae - Aug 18, 2010 / ivyeyesediting - Aug 18, 2010
Memories of the Dog Walk- how interest in physiology developed

4 - I think a word is missing right before 'new.' I don't think so. I think this...

Undergraduatekashmir4321 - Aug 18, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Aug 20, 2010
"A crew of ambitious engineers" - UIUC application essay

6 - Yes! Write about the scholars, the academic heroes of your field. Read some articles in a professional journal...

Undergraduateaabb17 - Aug 18, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Aug 24, 2010
Common Application-First Aid: making a difference by joining the medical industry.

10 - Ha ha, yep. Consider this: You only need to mention a single word to specify a field of...

UndergraduateKimayu - Aug 17, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Aug 23, 2010
An obstinate learner, Personal quality/Experience that is important to you.

9 - This prompt asks you to write about an event. If the essay begins with this sentence, "I am...

Undergraduatefreezard7734 - Aug 17, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Sep 9, 2010
"we are trained to think in terms of self-benefit and greed" -SF Essay Intro

3 - Just about your writing style in general - it feels extremely formal. In some cases, it's a good thing....

UndergraduateRawrYoshi - Aug 17, 2010 / Michael48304 - Aug 17, 2010
My bad points (laziness) too bad? Common application short answer essay

4 - I think the use of "lazy" is not a good idea. You do not have to say that about...

Undergraduatehyein101 - Aug 17, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Aug 19, 2010
UW Personal Statement - Environmental Science Major

3 - EF_Kevin Thank you for your help Kevin. I actually did think about nutrition at one time, but after looking...

Undergraduatecj409 - Aug 17, 2010 / cj409 - Aug 19, 2010
"Potential problems" - Evaluate a significant experience, achievement

6 - No need for a comma when you have 2 verbs like this: We strapped on all of our gear...

UndergraduateABoris - Aug 17, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Sep 11, 2010
Common App Extracurricular - Forensics

3 - How is forensics related to competitive speaking? I don't get it. Rehearsals are typically held for two...

UndergraduateMichael48304 - Aug 17, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Aug 19, 2010
Sport: Tennis - Common App Short Answer

5 - SHB, I'm really happy to see your participation here. Thank you for making this great contribution to the work...

UndergraduatePriyanka3 - Aug 17, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Aug 19, 2010
"I'm not your typical girl" - Texas Essay

6 - But I am Micaela Marshall, and I am a leader, and I am very competitive, and I love math....

Undergraduatehendhawks - Aug 17, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Aug 19, 2010
"Memoirs of a Teenage Hostess" - Common App Personal Essay

11 - Nice! I'll just try a different arrangement here: Instead, you will find a teenage hostess, who may not...

Undergraduateih8artichokes - Aug 17, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Sep 18, 2010
"The Key Club" - Florida State University Essay

4 - This sentence is too long. You should say this in a way that requires only 10 words. Can...

Undergraduatejanelleking218 - Aug 16, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Aug 18, 2010
Life isn't always about being on top but it's about how you make it to be on top

11 - hhmm, :) thank you very much EF_Kevin thank you for appreciating it, :P...

Undergraduaterushingasever - Aug 16, 2010 / rushingasever - Aug 21, 2010
This is my escape; SOP UTexas at Austin Radio/TV/Film

12 - Thank you I appreciate your help....

Undergraduatecherrybomb82 - Aug 16, 2010 / cherrybomb82 - Oct 25, 2010
An example of introduction to the instructor - correct way of writing?

5 - I agree with kevin, and the others! first off we need to know more about you and see...

Undergraduateliza_rocco - Aug 16, 2010 / 335thomas - Aug 18, 2010
My Trip Across The Pond....diverse perspective

6 - Hey Ryan, you write very well, and I want to help you improve by showing you the Nutrageous method,...

Undergraduateriskirider - Aug 15, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Aug 17, 2010
"the nerdy Asian kid" 'My world' life long education and my American dream.

4 - Capitalize the W in 'why' for that first line... "Why do you..." Here is what came ot mind...

Undergraduatelavendernlace - Aug 15, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Aug 17, 2010
Challenge or experience that helped you learn what is important to you

12 - Then write about how you made your first movie, or your first piano performance, or maybe the first time...

Undergraduatedanado0ona - Aug 15, 2010 / melkorthefoul - Aug 21, 2010
An itellectually engaging experience ("I was highly imaginative")

4 - Don't waste words telling the reader obvious things. It is here where I find ... You...

Undergraduatevkluce - Aug 15, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Aug 17, 2010

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