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Writing college admission, application, and scholarship essays (page 367)

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"my first speech for the club."

3 - Oh, don't worry about indentation in this forum. I can see where the paragraphs break. you have a...

Undergraduatesomewhereoverth - Nov 30, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Dec 1, 2009
Caesura - University of Cincinnati PS-academic achievements, personal interests

2 - I am not sure what Caesura is - did not know from your answer, is it an academic program....

Undergraduatelilgangwolf - Nov 30, 2009 / linmark - Dec 1, 2009
Common App: Monkey Children.

2 - My palms gathered sweat and my heart raced to an uneven beat. - You really like doing that, don't...

Undergraduatejen50192 - Nov 29, 2009 / yang - Nov 30, 2009
One's environment does not hinder one's capability for success. - UC #1

4 - Too often, that same child later find herself growing into an adulthood that is a duplicate of her youth....

UndergraduateMentemic - Nov 29, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Dec 1, 2009
"when I first picked up a racket and a tennis ball" - UC prompt #2

2 - I was astonished at the words that popped out of his mouth and told him that I was sorry...

Undergraduatedonkey101 - Nov 29, 2009 / zling - Nov 29, 2009
"Running gave me perseverance" UC prompt 2

4 - it would be better if italics showed up. Do they show up on the real app page? Anyway, I...

Undergraduatezling - Nov 29, 2009 / zling - Nov 30, 2009
"reality and fantasy" - UC prompt #1 - my world

3 - It seems like you jump from one idea to the next... but you can fix it easily. Introduce travel...

Undergraduatemcsingson - Nov 29, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Dec 1, 2009
"Sunflower" significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken...

4 - Thanks so much meisj0n and ngocampo92. Your comments are very helpful and encouraging. I will definitely look into these...

Undergraduatekayyao - Nov 29, 2009 / kayyao - Dec 1, 2009
USC Essay: Not So Fun Water Slide.

5 - Depends on how you view it. If you want power in your essay, then make your essay fast...

Undergraduatejen50192 - Nov 29, 2009 / yang - Nov 30, 2009
"to California from France" - UC #1 My family's impact

4 - Yes, a bit cheesy, but you can fix it! Just get rid of the last word. ...made me...

Undergraduateraffi100 - Nov 29, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Dec 1, 2009
common app. essay. "why & how my friends influence me?"

2 - I'm standing on the cliff, so close to the edge that any gust of wind can knock me off....

Undergraduatesarahhh - Nov 29, 2009 / jen50192 - Nov 29, 2009
'Nianna was a young girl' - Common App Essay: Influential Person

5 - Oh thank you for catching those lol! :D i shall go edit your right now!...

Undergraduatengocampo92 - Nov 29, 2009 / ngocampo92 - Nov 30, 2009
Perfect School Balance - Northwestern Statement

8 - you essay is really wonderful but i also agree with zuluyan. there's no answer to that question....

Undergraduateganadara000 - Nov 29, 2009 / ginny2345 - Dec 22, 2009
Statement Family's experience ("they think I'm the typical Chinese person")

3 - You write very well! Just use some commas: Growing up in America was very difficult for me , since...

Undergraduatedeanne - Nov 29, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Dec 1, 2009
Prompt 2- "to honor the life of a departed friend"

9 - lol your intro does have that effect To answer your question, NO it wouldn't fit in the...

UndergraduateAdmiralAwesome - Nov 29, 2009 / yang - Nov 30, 2009
how i see the world: from blond Barbie hair to tamales. (:

3 - is this.. better? Kinda? No? heh.. oh and I found it a bit irrelevant to state...

Undergraduatepcvrz34g - Nov 29, 2009 / pcvrz34g - Nov 29, 2009
UC Prompt 2: Small town living, and how it shaped me

2 - Good start so far, for the first sentence there should be a comma instead of a period in between...

UndergraduatePscholler - Nov 29, 2009 / ashtene - Nov 29, 2009
"My dream was to become a millionaire" - UC Prompt

3 - This last para should not begin with a sentence about getting an F. It should reflect back on that...

Undergraduatepremis - Nov 29, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Dec 1, 2009
USC ESSAY. #Reflect on an accomplishment you achieved in an unlikely way.

2 - My extreme hunger for electronics led me to never give up and explore new ways to accomplish the things...

UndergraduateMARIOFOREVER - Nov 29, 2009 / mcsingson - Nov 29, 2009
Yale Supplement -- Dancing to Latin Pop

2 - you are more apt to notice times - avoid the use of "you" amount of reading for lit...

Undergraduatepafablach - Nov 29, 2009 / yang - Nov 30, 2009
(My sister) - a person or event that has had a profound effect upon your life

2 - OK - it's still Dec 1 so you know someone tried to get back to you in time The...

UndergraduateWeepinbell50 - Nov 29, 2009 / linmark - Dec 1, 2009
Common App Essay -- High School Policy Debate

2 - While I was a kid don't say "kid"! not in your college app essay! say child. it's way less...

Undergraduatepafablach - Nov 29, 2009 / Deva17 - Nov 29, 2009
Before entering high school, I had endured through my social shyness and anxiety

4 - Before entering high school, I had endured adversity associated with my social shyness and anxiety that had limited my...

Undergraduateabcxyz - Nov 29, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Dec 1, 2009
Princeton Supplement Essay -- the Metaphysical Musings of Martin Heidegger

3 - "challenging-forth" is a term coined by his essay. I just for got the "or" between "describe" and "define." ...

Undergraduatepafablach - Nov 29, 2009 / pafablach - Nov 30, 2009
My life-long dream of becoming a doctor; Education/Career Goals/Reason for major

2 - The essay is OK, a bit on the light side for med school i.e. your childish ideology led you...

UndergraduateVivace - Nov 29, 2009 / linmark - Dec 1, 2009
UC Prompt 1: Life as a Puppet

3 - Thus, they had always criticized the actions I took in order to protect me from following the wrong influences....

Undergraduatemurasakidevil - Nov 29, 2009 / look416 - Nov 29, 2009
"all-Hispanic farm community" - UC Personal Statements Rough Draft

2 - Throughout my life, I have been criticized for having aspiring dreams of leaving a tiny, all-Hispanic farm community dominated...

Undergraduatehollywoodholt - Nov 29, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Dec 1, 2009
Common App Activity Essay -Track and Field

3 - Thanks for the response! :)...

Undergraduatejaydubs - Nov 29, 2009 / jaydubs - Nov 30, 2009
UC Prompt #1. scattered thoughts.The workd you come from

8 - Content Suggestions You have a great topic I think you just need to expand more on how other cultures...

UndergraduateFireTiger - Nov 29, 2009 / ngocampo92 - Nov 30, 2009
UC Prompt 2- "Be the change you wish to see..."

2 - I never really considered myself as an athlete; after years of dropped basketballs and unsteady pitches on the field,...

UndergraduateJS2010 - Nov 29, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Dec 1, 2009
"I want to explore space." - (UC Prompt #1)

2 - first instead of 1st also... I think physician instead of doctor... ...for providing me a horizon to...

Undergraduatetommyj - Nov 29, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Nov 30, 2009
Two month adventure to Naranamoozhy, Significant Experience Essay

3 - sorry that was a typo but thanks...

Undergraduatexballerina - Nov 29, 2009 / xballerina - Nov 29, 2009
the Key Club Office - Common App Activities Essay

2 - This is fine except for two parts: - a bunch of high school students can be superheroes in...

Undergraduatemonochachi - Nov 29, 2009 / Deva17 - Nov 29, 2009
Lehigh Supplement Essay. Critique and give me a helping hand.

3 - It's a well written essay since you have put your personal life in it as well.But according to me,you...

Undergraduatebaboozled - Nov 29, 2009 / bhan_msm - Dec 16, 2009
"I found an art + Skateboarding" - Help wrapping up my essays for UC's!

3 - I think you should refer to the question a bit more at the start: When I reflect on the...

Undergraduateandrooskie - Nov 29, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Dec 1, 2009
I was waiting for an epiphany. It hasn't come. Any advice on choosing a topic?

2 - I did the same thing as you, I just sort of drifted around for a few months before the...

Undergraduatejanedoe - Nov 29, 2009 / nogasa - Nov 29, 2009
"How i could stand up once again to pursue my dream" - UC Prompt

3 - thanks so much for ur help...

Undergraduatepremis - Nov 29, 2009 / premis - Nov 29, 2009
Chemistry Major-UC Prompt #1 Transfer Student

2 - For the first half of your essay, I was confused thinking Pharmacology was your intended major. I believe it...

Undergraduateashtene - Nov 29, 2009 / linmark - Nov 30, 2009
my determination will help me strive in BU - common application supplement essay

4 - Thankyou sooo much!!!! Yea it would be awesome to meet both of you there...good luck with your apps!!!! oh...

Undergraduateplopez - Nov 29, 2009 / plopez - Nov 29, 2009
Ghosts and Gods and Demons and Dragons - UC Prompt #1

7 - Okay thanks for the comments everyone but i submitted this essay a month ago, so I think its time...

Undergraduatenogasa - Nov 29, 2009 / nogasa - Dec 29, 2009
"The first day of classes" - UC Prompt #2

2 - Sprinting down the driveway, I prayed it had arrived. Shuffling through the glossy ads, I came across the coveted...

UndergraduateJennieHeartsYou - Nov 29, 2009 / chelseareana - Nov 29, 2009
UC 1: family was my influence

6 - ah, I was attempting to be humorous with the junk food part thanks very much :)...

Undergraduatezling - Nov 29, 2009 / zling - Nov 29, 2009
"flight to Budapest" - UC Prompt 2 HELP

3 - They always went all out --- if they didn't they could be kicked off the team and another player...

Undergraduatechanko - Nov 29, 2009 / zling - Nov 29, 2009
"every word of the Pokémon theme song" - my first admissions essay! prompt #1

5 - I like this idea alot, its very unique, and in my opinion will stand out alot. Great job,...

Undergraduatechikibayb02 - Nov 29, 2009 / Aglod516 - Nov 29, 2009
UC Prompt 2: Writing (desire to write)

11 - I care about is upset, and ; so I use for him, and . The that is...

Undergraduatechelseareana - Nov 29, 2009 / yang - Nov 30, 2009
under the Costa Rican sky - UofM Diversity Short Answer

8 - Diversity often divides people, especially if they focus on differences instead of detail, but having to trust each other...

Undergraduateaguafria22 - Nov 29, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Dec 12, 2009
UC2: The piano, a song in many different ways

5 - Constructive commentary? It's part of this website's requirement....

UndergraduateHaru21 - Nov 29, 2009 / yang - Dec 1, 2009
"I've lived in a Mexican culture" - this is my friends 1st college prompt essay.

2 - I come from a family of five, that's including me, and I've lived in a Mexican culture throughout my...

Undergraduateluismarquez - Nov 29, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Dec 1, 2009
UC2: Accepting others

3 - Good essay. It is good to explain the way you see people around in order to emphasize your speciallity....

UndergraduateHaru21 - Nov 29, 2009 / xugx29 - Dec 1, 2009
"Raising children is like being pecked to death by a chicken" -UC Prompt 2

9 - yeah but how is that related to the assignment???: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or...

Undergraduatebloopyxd - Nov 29, 2009 / Deva17 - Nov 29, 2009
Single Parent- UC transfer prompt #2

2 - You write very well! Here is a way to manage long sentences with a dash: This was a...

Undergraduatedodger7 - Nov 29, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Dec 1, 2009
becoming a business/accounting major - UC Personal statements- transfer student

2 - For prompt one, the first sentence does not go with the theme about your aunt. I see that...

Undergraduatecsicasiano - Nov 29, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Dec 1, 2009
Miami University: common app, my father influential

4 - Hi Felicia, sorry I never helped with this one. Was it successful? In November there were so many essays,...

UndergraduateFelicia07 - Nov 29, 2009 / EF_Susan - Feb 23, 2011
Dental training, Obstacle Essay Help

6 - Use quotation marks: ...the strength to say, "Pinkesh, mane bathroom layja." Use a comma: ...both of us more;...

Undergraduateshahps41592 - Nov 29, 2009 / EF_Kevin - Dec 10, 2009
GW honors essay - Is it too business like?

2 - try to make this a more personal essay. what do you have to offer? I don't...

Undergraduatessuraj - Nov 29, 2009 / meisj0n - Nov 29, 2009
UC #2... but it's not just one thing!

5 - Work on tying your paragraphs and subjects together with some kind of common denominator....

Undergraduateootlink - Nov 29, 2009 / Pscholler - Nov 29, 2009
"I love languages" - Multilingualism

6 - Haru21, no need to panic, editing essays is an inherent part of the process. I personally got an essay...

UndergraduateHaru21 - Nov 29, 2009 / yang - Nov 30, 2009
"The Greatest Gift" - Personal Statement/ Choice of Major Essay

2 - Most eleven year old children want the latest toy or video game ,... My love of computers and...

Undergraduatechrisbierilo - Nov 29, 2009 / EF_Susan - Dec 1, 2009
Prompt 1 (family) and Prompt 2 (a quality) of UCLA Personal Statements

3 - Prompt 1: He is now in a university, studying pre-law. I liked it! but I think you should...

UndergraduateDeva17 - Nov 29, 2009 / bloopyxd - Nov 29, 2009
"I arrived to a place of opportunities" - college essay prompt 1 for uc

2 - Overall opinion: make some paragraphs, ask an English teacher to revise your essay, check your quotation marks/other punctuations ...

Undergraduateluismarquez - Nov 29, 2009 / yang - Nov 29, 2009

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