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Writing college admission, application, and scholarship essays (page 33)

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My two homes: one in South Dakota, another in Texas - Brown supplement

4 - @astrum72 What's good about this is that you explain the impact that this had on you which is the...

Undergraduateastrum72 - Dec 29, 2016 / TVLAERE - Dec 29, 2016
'helping hand at the end of your arm' My Common Application Essay for the Ivy League Colleges

5 - Saad, the essay about the transition to adulthood works well at this point. Go ahead and use that already....

UndergraduateLordAli - Dec 17, 2016 / Holt - Dec 29, 2016
ISB PGP , Why you? Essay, 400 words; a worthy member of the prestigious students' pool of ISB

3 - In paragraph 3, you have the chance to set yourself apart from the other applicants of the essay. How...

UndergraduateApoorvaG - Dec 29, 2016 / Holt - Dec 29, 2016
Passion for mathematics (which isn't just a class. It's a philosophy) - Personal Statement

4 - This type of essay is overdone. When you say "it started with a D grade", even though you explain...

UndergraduateBold - Dec 29, 2016 / TVLAERE - Dec 29, 2016
I lost my IPad but I found something much more valuable. Common App 2nd Prompt Essay.

4 - Batjin, the essay is very good. It is too long winded and needs to be cut down for length...

Undergraduatel3atjin - Dec 29, 2016 / Holt - Dec 29, 2016
Personal Statement for an International Development Studies Program.

3 - Noman, add credibility to your claim of realizing that you wanted to work with people by adding the complete...

UndergraduateHthmn - Dec 28, 2016 / Holt - Dec 29, 2016
The rebelling nerd - I had fulfilled my duty as an Asian kid

30 - Okay. Thanks!...

Undergraduatengokhoa99 - Dec 19, 2016 / ngokhoa99 - Dec 29, 2016
Untitled - My Common App - Not one talent, background, or identity defines me.

4 - Katie, what you have written is a background essay so you cannot say that you do not have a...

Undergraduatescgoalie00 - Dec 29, 2016 / Holt - Dec 29, 2016
Paideia - the complete education of mind, body and spirit. Contribution to the Reed community

5 - You can actually keep the movie if you want to. Like I said, the education of the mind, body,...

Undergraduatel3atjin - Dec 28, 2016 / Holt - Dec 29, 2016
Tetris blocks - relax sometimes to keep your mind ready. U Penn supplemental essay - engineering.

5 - Khatanbuuvei, your narrative is really long but does not offer any solid idea as to how UPenn became the...

Undergraduatekhatanbuuveibold - Dec 28, 2016 / Holt - Dec 29, 2016
Syracuse: What influenced me (advanced writing)

4 - Selin, it seems that your essay focus is more on the people that influenced you to apply to Syracuse....

Undergraduatesweetsenior - Dec 28, 2016 / Holt - Dec 29, 2016
The cues of the Yoruba, Igbo and the western culture. MIT Cultural Background Essay

6 - Davidson, I strongly suggest that you use the Optional Section in Part 2 to further develop your essay. Since...

UndergraduateDJMI - Dec 28, 2016 / Holt - Dec 29, 2016
Let's make some difference. Personal statement essay.

7 - @mbyram Thank you for making advice. Would you please point out some of the grammar errors because I can't...

UndergraduateBennyoooo - Dec 26, 2016 / Bennyoooo - Dec 29, 2016
YALE SHORT ANSWERS - THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS IN LIFE I LEARNED.

3 - @astrum72 Thank you for editing, I will definitely replace that sentence....

Undergraduatebarry - Dec 29, 2016 / barry - Dec 29, 2016
AN HOMELESS PERSON INFLUENCED ME. PRINCETON ESSAY

5 - @Holt Thank you very much for your help. I will post it again after editing and I like you...

Undergraduatebarry - Dec 28, 2016 / barry - Dec 29, 2016
'The right answer' - UChicago Immersion Essay - Rewarding Experience

3 - @astrum72 Thanks! I'll be sure to look at your essays. Also, I forgot to paste the whole 2nd essay...

Undergraduatesi1030 - Dec 29, 2016 / si1030 - Dec 29, 2016
Music and Brainpower- Stanford Intellectual

5 - @si1030 Yes, I really like the changes you made, I think it's so much more effective than what it...

Undergraduatesi1030 - Dec 29, 2016 / astrum72 - Dec 29, 2016
The brilliant minds at Georgia Tech - undergraduate essay for engineering

4 - First paragraph was suitable as an introduction but you need to change the second paragraph on Why you really...

Undergraduatethugzook - Dec 29, 2016 / barry - Dec 29, 2016
Stanford Intellectual Vitality Essay - Epilepsy paved the road to my future

6 - Your second essay is good, I mean it's good if you are writing a story but not for a...

Undergraduatebryant_g - Dec 28, 2016 / barry - Dec 29, 2016
MATH - an amazing experience. Talk about an extracurricular activity

4 - Thank you both!! I will focus on the second essay and correct the grammar errors you pointed....

Undergraduaternsnz18 - Dec 29, 2016 / rnsnz18 - Dec 29, 2016
"How have you Improved the Life of others" MIT prompt.

4 - @TJLuschen Those faces were of other patients....

Undergraduatezxcv - Dec 28, 2016 / zxcv - Dec 29, 2016
Breaking political apathy (princeton supplement)

3 - This problems does not have simple a solution. ..., look at their qualifications,and their stances on topics. ...

Undergraduateastrum72 - Dec 27, 2016 / potatohead - Dec 29, 2016
The value of teamwork and math and sciences. Unites States Naval Academy admissions essay

3 - @Holt Thanks for the input....

UndergraduatexMoon Hydro - Dec 28, 2016 / xMoon Hydro - Dec 29, 2016
Deep Roots (College Essay)

3 - @mualla I really appreciate your feedback. This is a Common App prompt. I am just confused at why...

Undergraduateclair_L - Dec 28, 2016 / clair_L - Dec 29, 2016
"My heart is in the work". Carnegie Mellon's mission and morals reflect my own.

3 - @Shraf39 Oh ok, thank you so much. I will get to that right now...

UndergraduateShraf39 - Dec 28, 2016 / Shraf39 - Dec 29, 2016
Yale supplementary essay: Sociology and Library

2 - @wendyli328 I'd like to suggest something to your first essay, it is really good and pleasant to read, you...

Undergraduatewendyli328 - Dec 29, 2016 / rnsnz18 - Dec 29, 2016
Duke, Why Trinity? : Program II, availability of choices

5 - @sd6599 No don't restructure your essay, the strenght of your essays is about the deep interest you have on...

Undergraduatesd6599 - Dec 27, 2016 / rnsnz18 - Dec 29, 2016
Sitting on the backseat of the car - Harvard Supplement.

3 - @khatanbuuveibold By the virtue of being a teacher's child, for the last 11 years, I have gone to...

Undergraduatekhatanbuuveibold - Dec 25, 2016 / scgoalie00 - Dec 29, 2016
Alumnae interactions and exceptional faculty- Wellesley supplement

3 - I like the idea of this essay, I can see why you want to attend the school! I think...

Undergraduatepotatohead - Dec 28, 2016 / astrum72 - Dec 28, 2016
After the It Girls Overnight Retreat, I knew Syracuse was the place for me- WHY SYRACUSE?

4 - @Shraf39 So do you want me to put quotations around "It Girls Overnight Retreat"? I am a bit confused...

UndergraduateTajonae13 - Dec 27, 2016 / Tajonae13 - Dec 28, 2016
Why specific Area and Yale? - Yale Short Answer

2 - First, I would like to congratulate you for being specific. However, I feel that you can focus the two...

Undergraduatekhizirsiddiqui - Dec 28, 2016 / TheIndoBoy25 - Dec 28, 2016
My Motivation for applying to Lafayette College

3 - @Holt Thank you and God bless for your advice and review. I will work on it Lafayette has...

UndergraduateOsiremiza99 - Dec 28, 2016 / Osiremiza99 - Dec 28, 2016
We challenge our students to 'be comfortable being uncomfortable'. Georgia Tech Supplement Essay

4 - 'I want to quit!' I thought after a long day's work in the restaurant. 'I am so exhausted and...

UndergraduateCrystor - Dec 27, 2016 / Crystor - Dec 28, 2016
As an American Muslim, I love immersing myself into conversations.

5 - Mualla, if there is nothing else that you want to add to the information in your statement then, I...

Undergraduatemualla - Dec 24, 2016 / Holt - Dec 28, 2016
Cornell Engineering Essay - for the Artificially Intelligent

5 - Yes, this definitely speaks to your interests on a better scale than the first version. Consider that you have...

UndergraduateYomanAwe - Dec 26, 2016 / Holt - Dec 28, 2016
The one particular friend. College Essay for Virginia Tech.

3 - Ryan, your essay deviated in focus from the prompt towards the end. The discussion is about you and a...

Undergraduatemeinhouston - Dec 28, 2016 / Holt - Dec 28, 2016
CHESS. Tons and tons of losses helped me to understand the simple, yet elusive, essence of a game.

3 - Hello Bat, i think you spent most of your words in setting up your essay. By the time you...

Undergraduatebmb_orgil - Dec 28, 2016 / l3atjin - Dec 28, 2016
Cornell engineering essay - my contributions to the engineering field

4 - Yes, I really believe that only some slight adjustments and developments are necessary to make the essay more interesting...

Undergraduaternsnz18 - Dec 27, 2016 / Holt - Dec 28, 2016
Tech's motto is Progress and Service. What is your role in your family? Max 150

4 - Zhao, if you want to still use the original essay, you can call yourself the "tie that binds the...

UndergraduateCrystor - Dec 27, 2016 / Holt - Dec 28, 2016
Beyond rankings, location, athletics, why Georgia Tech? Why Gatech?

8 - Benny, please consider removing the reference to the Japanese club. From the way I read the essay now, the...

UndergraduateBennyoooo - Dec 23, 2016 / Holt - Dec 28, 2016
"Buy nine more, get one free!" Common App - Identity Essay (Boba drinks Story)

2 - @MasterPhantom This is an excellent essay and I really like it. However, I feel your essay is too wordy,...

UndergraduateMasterPhantom - Dec 28, 2016 / Osiremiza99 - Dec 28, 2016
Why Duke? To be part of the next generation of global leaders and technological innovators

7 - @Holt Thanks again for your expert perusal. God bless you. Kindly help me revise my essay...

UndergraduateOsiremiza99 - Dec 27, 2016 / Osiremiza99 - Dec 28, 2016
My future still remains as foggy as it has been before - Common app

3 - @Buyanbatbunga First of all, I think you should consider adding more flow or transition between your sentences.Second of all,...

UndergraduateBuyanbatbunga - Dec 28, 2016 / bmb_orgil - Dec 28, 2016
Learning Spanish through another lens - a cultural immersion (Dartmouth Supplement)

4 - I was thinking somewhere after the 2nd sentence in the first paragraph. Maybe say something about how you were...

Undergraduatekc1099 - Dec 27, 2016 / astrum72 - Dec 28, 2016
Satisfaction in the old lady's face. Essay on a person who has influenced you in a significant way

3 - @angeli6778 Thank you so much for your review! I am applying to Princeton undecided. So, I did not include...

UndergraduateShriZohn - Dec 28, 2016 / ShriZohn - Dec 28, 2016
Being a music software producer is my goal and I hope that GT will help me fulfill it

11 - Yes, I like that a lot better....

UndergraduateCrystor - Dec 26, 2016 / TJLuschen - Dec 28, 2016
Barnard - majored in unafraid - The only girl in Computer Science

8 - @Holt Hi Holt... Like you said, I wrote about another time I majored in unafraid. This is my...

Undergraduatemualla - Dec 26, 2016 / mualla - Dec 28, 2016
Many "how" or "why" monumental questions in my mind. University of Pennsylvania essay

3 - @scgoalie00 I really think you could paraphrase the first paragraph to be more read-able (Maybe omit the parantheses when...

Undergraduatescgoalie00 - Dec 28, 2016 / khatanbuuveibold - Dec 28, 2016
From Calculus 12 to literature interpretation; my mind was always wide awake in English class.

4 - @speechhopeful I was also wondering about whether or not to mention the math part. I was trying to...

Undergraduatedigestadonut - Dec 27, 2016 / digestadonut - Dec 28, 2016
"How did you do that?", 'I love mathematics' - MIT first two short essays

4 - @Crystor I really appreciate your grammar corrections, english it's not my native language so I can have mistakes sometimes,...

Undergraduaternsnz18 - Dec 27, 2016 / rnsnz18 - Dec 27, 2016
The value of patience and the lesson to be learned with my every loss

10 - In my opinion, you should stick to only one topic for discussion in the essay because the reviewer can...

Undergraduateshag - Dec 27, 2016 / Holt - Dec 27, 2016
Exposed to counting. How the quest for a shooting star shaped my life.

10 - Hi Karekezi. Don't worry about the late reply. I didn't forget about your essay because I had the thread...

UndergraduateaHappyGuy - Dec 22, 2016 / Holt - Dec 27, 2016
WHY US? - the unimaginable bewilderment after an scary accident

3 - I read both of your essays, and I really like how you describe things and how you tell the...

Undergraduatevinhnguyen0718 - Dec 27, 2016 / linhledieue - Dec 27, 2016
"With great power, comes great responsibility" - essay for college

6 - @shuprova Your introduction is too long that it takes a considerable amount of space you can add to detail...

Undergraduateshuprova - Dec 23, 2016 / vinhnguyen0718 - Dec 27, 2016
AIRPLANES AND I - Common Application Prompt 5

6 - Vinh, when you are not sure about what you wrote or if you feel that you cannot fix the...

Undergraduatevinhnguyen0718 - Dec 25, 2016 / Holt - Dec 27, 2016
My country, Georgia, needs to escape beyond its borders

2 - Mariam, instead of telling the reviewer how you learned to speak English, which is really of no importance to...

Undergraduatenozika97 - Dec 27, 2016 / Holt - Dec 27, 2016
To save money. Writing on the explanation of a gap year in commonapp's additional info section.

13 - @Holt Yes! thank you so much. I don't know what to say. But you really helped. Millions of thanks!...

UndergraduateNuverte0452 - Dec 27, 2016 / Nuverte0452 - Dec 27, 2016
My playground was a jumble of old circuit board, electric wires and many electronic components

4 - Vedanth, I reviewed your essay once again and tried to do a little editing of my own in order...

Undergraduatekatety909 - Dec 27, 2016 / Holt - Dec 27, 2016
The vast array of research opportunities and many other things that makes Hamilton special for me

6 - Abdullah, the response that you wrote does not fit the prompt. What you have developed is more of a...

Undergraduateabdulahok - Dec 27, 2016 / Holt - Dec 27, 2016
What makes you happy? My parents' happiness! - Tufts Supplement

3 - Harry, when you say that your parents make you happy, you are making a statement that does not carry...

Undergraduateharryson - Dec 27, 2016 / Holt - Dec 27, 2016

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